My heart has been heavy this past week. I was informed of a family that is splitting up, (to add to 3 more recent ones I've heard of), and am devastated for the loss of a family unit. I guess I just don't know what to think, say or feel. This is so avoidable, and heal-able, and solvable, in yet so many marriages fail to get help (or don't want to get help) and let Satan lead the way to destruction. And the most often result is the that the children suffer the most. The innocent pay for the sins of the guilty.
I wondered where to go with all my thoughts, and have been trying to sort out why this happens to some families. And here's my conclusions. They are certainly not all-inclusive, but have helped me try to figure out how divorce can be avoided for those already married, and how to choose a proper mate if you're not married yet.
1) Sin. Plain old sin. The sin of disobedience to God's ways that are plainly written in the Bible- the sin of adultery, the sin of lack of submission to the powers that be (God, your spouse), the sin of selfishness, the sin of promiscuity before marriage, the list goes on. If it's a grey area, stay clear, it'll only get more muddled if you get involved (speaking to singles).
2) Poor choice in a marriage partner. This could be because people are not willing to wait on God, are lonely and want companionship over trusting God to fulfill that void in their life, or make hasty decisions based on emotions rather than Biblical standards and/or common sense.
3) Pride. Refusing to listen to the advice of family and friends who can see things objectively and warn against poor choices. (2 of these marriages that I mentioned above were warned against, and the people chose to go ahead anyways)
4) Lack of commitment. Even if you are in a poor marriage, sticking it out at least until your children are grown would be beneficial in so many ways (if you can do so without fighting all the time) Why do "my needs" or "I deserve happiness" override the commitment you made in your marriage vows before God? I recall a friend who was trying to convince me that her mother "deserved" to remarry. I wondered why she "deserved" it, when she had failed to heed His guidelines for a Godly husband in the first place. None of us "deserve" anything, but God blesses us beyond measure when we seek His will and do it.
So, what can we do? There is hope...we can pray. We can defeat the devil who is destroying these lives. Encourage people that there is hope. There is forgiveness. The Bible plainly offers all the solutions right there. But, it takes being a man (or woman) , sucking it up and swallowing our pride, repenting of the wrong doing, and taking steps to do what is right. It's never too late. That's why remarriage always concerns me. When a person remarries, it leaves no room for the former marriage to ever be mended. And we (as the third party) never really knew what went on, and certainly don't know what God's plans for the future are. You hear of many "change of hearts" for whatever reason, and people get married again (to each other) after divorce.
If you are single, read God's Word. Find out what a Godly mate entails, and look for those qualities (and be those qualities yourself). Do they have a servant's heart? Do they love God more than me? Are they a virgin (very rare in this day and age, and although not a make/break deal, often there is baggage if they are not)? Do they show respect to their parents (and your parents)? The Bible has all the answers, so the more we read it, the more we know God's will. It's easy to ignore His will if we are rather vague on what His rules are. These days "happiness" seems to be the be all/end all. Well, if we are abiding in God's will, happiness follows...not the other way around.
Oh, and love. Love has very little to do with a happy marriage. To quote a Ravi Zacharias sermon labeled I Isaac, Take Thee Rebekah, "Love is as much a question of the will as it is of the emotion. And if you will to love somebody, you can.” The amazing story of Ravi's brother can be found here, and although I've heard it on audio over and over, it still amazes me.
http://www.rzim.org/justthinkingfv/tabid/602/articleid/6623/cbmoduleid/881/default.aspx
Although love makes a marriage sweet, love should be thrown out of the equation when considering a spouse. Love does not decide what church to go to. Love does not decide how to raise children. Love does not decide how to handle money. Love does not decide where to live, or what to do for a living. Those are practical aspects of life that need to be grounded in the Word of God without love having anything to do with the situation.
I would also encourage single people to look for their "soul mate". If you don't know what a soul mate is, or don't believe in them, you haven't found him/her yet. I am an extreme skeptic, and doubted such a thing existed (at least tried to convince myself of such back in my single days). Well, I have to say that Greg and I are soul mates. Totally 100% meant for each other. Compatible in every way. The saying "when you know, you know". Well, when Greg came to Alaska that first time (we had met once 2 years before but hadn't even really visited), we stopped at Starbucks on the way from the airport, and at that point we both knew we'd be getting married. He stayed up there for a week, and everything that happened that week confirmed the same. It was powers greater than were in us (God) telling us that too. I've never felt so out of control in all my life, but never have things fallen into place so perfectly either, because God's hand was leading the way!
A friend of mine tells about her first date with her husband. After they had visited a while she says to him, "So, I'm thinking....you, me, marriage?" He doesn't bat an eye, and says, "yep, that'd be fine!" What????! You just met! But, when I see that kind of confidence from both parties in such a huge decision, that gives me confidence that no matter what lies ahead they will make it through. "When you know, you know!"
Another story of the opposite persuasion comes from a former co-worker of mine. He and his wife were expecting their first baby after being married for 6 years. We got talking about how they met, and I asked him how he knew that she was "the one" to marry. He replied, "I didn't. I still don't know." Wow! How sad! I wonder if they are still married. What would it be like to spend the rest of your life thinking that you may have met someone better if you'd just waited a bit longer.
To end, here's a hymn that was on a cd I was listening to the other day, and then we happened to sing it in church on Sunday too. I found comfort and hope in it.
Dear Lord and Father of Mankind
1. Dear Lord and Father of mankind,
Forgive our foolish ways!
Reclothe us in our rightful mind;
In purer lives Thy service find,
In deeper reverence, praise.
2. In simple trust like theirs who heard,
Beside the Syrian sea,
The gracious calling of the Lord,
Let us, like them, without a word,
Rise up and follow Thee.
3. Drop Thy still dews of quietness,
Till all our strivings cease;
Take from our souls the strain and stress,
And let our ordered lives confess
The beauty of Thy peace.
4. Breathe thro' the heats of our desire
Thy coolness and Thy balm;
Let sense be dumb, let flesh retire;
Speak thro' the earthquake, wind and fire,
O still, small voice of calm. Amen.
I wondered where to go with all my thoughts, and have been trying to sort out why this happens to some families. And here's my conclusions. They are certainly not all-inclusive, but have helped me try to figure out how divorce can be avoided for those already married, and how to choose a proper mate if you're not married yet.
1) Sin. Plain old sin. The sin of disobedience to God's ways that are plainly written in the Bible- the sin of adultery, the sin of lack of submission to the powers that be (God, your spouse), the sin of selfishness, the sin of promiscuity before marriage, the list goes on. If it's a grey area, stay clear, it'll only get more muddled if you get involved (speaking to singles).
2) Poor choice in a marriage partner. This could be because people are not willing to wait on God, are lonely and want companionship over trusting God to fulfill that void in their life, or make hasty decisions based on emotions rather than Biblical standards and/or common sense.
3) Pride. Refusing to listen to the advice of family and friends who can see things objectively and warn against poor choices. (2 of these marriages that I mentioned above were warned against, and the people chose to go ahead anyways)
4) Lack of commitment. Even if you are in a poor marriage, sticking it out at least until your children are grown would be beneficial in so many ways (if you can do so without fighting all the time) Why do "my needs" or "I deserve happiness" override the commitment you made in your marriage vows before God? I recall a friend who was trying to convince me that her mother "deserved" to remarry. I wondered why she "deserved" it, when she had failed to heed His guidelines for a Godly husband in the first place. None of us "deserve" anything, but God blesses us beyond measure when we seek His will and do it.
So, what can we do? There is hope...we can pray. We can defeat the devil who is destroying these lives. Encourage people that there is hope. There is forgiveness. The Bible plainly offers all the solutions right there. But, it takes being a man (or woman) , sucking it up and swallowing our pride, repenting of the wrong doing, and taking steps to do what is right. It's never too late. That's why remarriage always concerns me. When a person remarries, it leaves no room for the former marriage to ever be mended. And we (as the third party) never really knew what went on, and certainly don't know what God's plans for the future are. You hear of many "change of hearts" for whatever reason, and people get married again (to each other) after divorce.
If you are single, read God's Word. Find out what a Godly mate entails, and look for those qualities (and be those qualities yourself). Do they have a servant's heart? Do they love God more than me? Are they a virgin (very rare in this day and age, and although not a make/break deal, often there is baggage if they are not)? Do they show respect to their parents (and your parents)? The Bible has all the answers, so the more we read it, the more we know God's will. It's easy to ignore His will if we are rather vague on what His rules are. These days "happiness" seems to be the be all/end all. Well, if we are abiding in God's will, happiness follows...not the other way around.
Oh, and love. Love has very little to do with a happy marriage. To quote a Ravi Zacharias sermon labeled I Isaac, Take Thee Rebekah, "Love is as much a question of the will as it is of the emotion. And if you will to love somebody, you can.” The amazing story of Ravi's brother can be found here, and although I've heard it on audio over and over, it still amazes me.
http://www.rzim.org/justthinkingfv/tabid/602/articleid/6623/cbmoduleid/881/default.aspx
Although love makes a marriage sweet, love should be thrown out of the equation when considering a spouse. Love does not decide what church to go to. Love does not decide how to raise children. Love does not decide how to handle money. Love does not decide where to live, or what to do for a living. Those are practical aspects of life that need to be grounded in the Word of God without love having anything to do with the situation.
I would also encourage single people to look for their "soul mate". If you don't know what a soul mate is, or don't believe in them, you haven't found him/her yet. I am an extreme skeptic, and doubted such a thing existed (at least tried to convince myself of such back in my single days). Well, I have to say that Greg and I are soul mates. Totally 100% meant for each other. Compatible in every way. The saying "when you know, you know". Well, when Greg came to Alaska that first time (we had met once 2 years before but hadn't even really visited), we stopped at Starbucks on the way from the airport, and at that point we both knew we'd be getting married. He stayed up there for a week, and everything that happened that week confirmed the same. It was powers greater than were in us (God) telling us that too. I've never felt so out of control in all my life, but never have things fallen into place so perfectly either, because God's hand was leading the way!
A friend of mine tells about her first date with her husband. After they had visited a while she says to him, "So, I'm thinking....you, me, marriage?" He doesn't bat an eye, and says, "yep, that'd be fine!" What????! You just met! But, when I see that kind of confidence from both parties in such a huge decision, that gives me confidence that no matter what lies ahead they will make it through. "When you know, you know!"
Another story of the opposite persuasion comes from a former co-worker of mine. He and his wife were expecting their first baby after being married for 6 years. We got talking about how they met, and I asked him how he knew that she was "the one" to marry. He replied, "I didn't. I still don't know." Wow! How sad! I wonder if they are still married. What would it be like to spend the rest of your life thinking that you may have met someone better if you'd just waited a bit longer.
To end, here's a hymn that was on a cd I was listening to the other day, and then we happened to sing it in church on Sunday too. I found comfort and hope in it.
Dear Lord and Father of Mankind
1. Dear Lord and Father of mankind,
Forgive our foolish ways!
Reclothe us in our rightful mind;
In purer lives Thy service find,
In deeper reverence, praise.
2. In simple trust like theirs who heard,
Beside the Syrian sea,
The gracious calling of the Lord,
Let us, like them, without a word,
Rise up and follow Thee.
3. Drop Thy still dews of quietness,
Till all our strivings cease;
Take from our souls the strain and stress,
And let our ordered lives confess
The beauty of Thy peace.
4. Breathe thro' the heats of our desire
Thy coolness and Thy balm;
Let sense be dumb, let flesh retire;
Speak thro' the earthquake, wind and fire,
O still, small voice of calm. Amen.
