Now that I'm a few years into my 40s, I've come to a few conclusions about myself. Why it took this long, I'm not sure, but it did. Maybe because I finally have time to think after so many years with babies on the brain, lack of sleep, poor health and so many other pressing issues. Oh, well. Although I've realized that the better we understand ourselves, the better we can offer grace and mercy to our selves for our weaknesses and not let other peoples expectations determine us.
The first thing I concluded was that I'm not going to apologize for being late anymore. No one cares what I apologize for, because they already have it in their head why I'm late. And my reasons are so mundane that explaining them seems like such a waste of time. Just last week we were all getting out the door. I had 6 kids buckled, shoes on all, coats on all, lunches packed, water bottles for all, sports equipment as needed. We left on time with a few minutes to spare. I counted heads as I drove out the driveway and thought we were good. As I slowed down in town, I glanced back again and noticed that little 5 year old was missing her glasses. I asked her if she could manage without them, and she said, "Well, I can't see very good. Just a little bit." So, I turned around and went home for them. 6 minutes back up the hill and another 6 back down. That's 12 minutes behind now, making us about 10 minutes late.
Last summer we had an experience where we had several errands in town, and then were meeting some friends. We rocked it on the time slots, and when we finished up we were 10 minutes early for our meeting time. We sat in the car in the shade and listened to an audiobook while we waited, and then when the time was right we drove the 1/2 mile over to where we were meeting them. I thought to myself, "whew, for once we're on time." Until my son announced to me that he hoped I wasn't using the clock in the van, because it was 10 minutes slow and he hadn't been able to figure out how to change it. So, we were 10 minutes late after sitting there waiting for 10 minutes because I thought we were early. Grr. More of that grace and mercy needed, and more of that pride to squelch.
Do I really have to tell the whole story when I get to my location? Really? And does that make me look I like I don't care about the people who were expecting me because I was late? No. No, no, no. Do I think less of my friends if they arrive late? No. Do I think they don't care about promises made and then "broken"? No. It's all because of mercy and grace. I know they are all moms trying their best. And sometimes kids forget things. And sometimes being on restricted diets makes packing a lunch a challenge. And sometimes we stop for food on the way because Mother Hubbard's cupboard was bare. So, next time I'm late, don't take it personally. And next time you're late, I won't even think twice about it. Because really, it's no.big.deal.
The other thing I learned this spring as I was researching homeschool options for high school, was that the biggest stress in my day comes from being on someone else's schedule or their list of expectations. We were committed to a co-op where I felt an immense burden to show up on time, no matter what. Doctors appt.'s, dentists, eye doctors, etc. all stress me out. I wish every place was a walk-in. I fret before the appt. that I'll forget about it and get charged anyhow because I forgot to show up or to cancel. I fret because I'll likely be late (yep, even if I'm not apologizing endlessly, I'm still trying my best to be places on time). I fret because my kids will probably get sick on the day of the appointment. So, schooling on someone else's schedule stresses me beyond measure (sports do not stress me, because if kids miss a practice or game, it's still not a biggie). This spring we were sick almost the whole month of March, and the stress of worrying about their needs as well as finding substitutes for my class was more than I prefer to opt into. So, homeschool it will be. On our own time, our own expectations, our own needs it will be.
Along those same lines, I don't do well with goals. If I set a goal for myself, 99% of the time I will quit before I finish. Why? Because I don't thrive on the pressure of being locked into something. I get angry, especially at myself. And then I treat my family badly, because I feel pressured to reach the stupid goal and it makes me stressed and grouchy. For example, if I set an exercise goal for myself, I will not succeed at it, plain and simple. If I just plan to exercise a bit each day, and then try to push myself harder/longer each time I exercise, I will succeed. That's just how my brain works. I reassured my husband the other day that he never needs to worry about me training for a 5K. It won't happen. I might run a 5K for fun someday, but I won't sign up for one to motivate myself.
Now excuse me, I'm off to be late for swimming some laps (I won't tell you how many!) If I get there on time, then the locker room is full of kiddos just getting out of swimming lessons, so 5-10 minutes late is ideal for an empty locker room.
Now excuse me, I'm off to be late for swimming some laps (I won't tell you how many!) If I get there on time, then the locker room is full of kiddos just getting out of swimming lessons, so 5-10 minutes late is ideal for an empty locker room.
