Rethinking parenting

So, it's almost been 20 years since I became a parent, and you'd think I have some things down pat by now.  Which I do.  But, there's plenty I don't.  I've made several changes over these last few years as I've learned about "emotional maturity", and as I've done so it's required me to apologize to my kids and then repent of ways that in my ignorance I've caused harm and/or neglect to their developing selves.  I've had a few instances where this played out in the past couple weeks, and I just want to share them.  The old way I would have handled something vs. the new way.

 

#1.  We were at the dentist the other day, a place we all love.  One of my kids was waiting for his checkup fearing if he had some cavities, and we ended up waiting longer than usual. (more than 1/2 hour)  He says to me, "I'm feeling really restless having to wait this long".  I agreed with him that I dislike waiting in dentist or doctor's offices as well and suggested he do a few jumping jacks to relieve his restlessness.   This worked and all was well.     (validate feelings, help him understand it in his body)

In the old days with my older kids, they wouldn't have known what restless even meant because I didn't teach them to name their emotions.  They would have started pestering their siblings the longer the wait was, and possibly fighting, but still never being able to put a name to it so I could know what was going on inside their bodies.  Then I would have reprimanded them for being "naughty" and told them to smarten up and act like mini adults (I wouldn't have said that but expected that!) when I myself would have been feeling restless as well. Then I would have been constantly scanning the waiting room wondering if my kids were being a nuisance to the other people, and taken it personally if they were.  The new method alleviated it all, while not changing our circumstances at all.

 

A lot of this requires separating the behavior from the character.  We all have bad days, rough seasons and "naughtiness", but this doesn't make us a bad person.  We have a sin nature, but we've also been created in the image of God and are His child, with Jesus occupying our hearts and washing away our sins, faults and shortcomings in His grace on a continual basis.  For me it's so ingrained to think bad behavior=bad kid, but that's simply not true.  And helping our kids see this is crucial in their view of themselves for the rest of their lives.

 

#2.  Last week two of my older kids were fighting as we were headed out the door and already late.  I lost it and yelled at both and pulled them apart and degraded them.  Yup.  And then when we were all in the car and headed down the road, I knew I should apologize but I couldn't.  It took me at least 5 miles of driving with a battle in my head of "I'm sorry I freaked out, but you guys were acting ridiculous and should know better" or "I'm sorry I lost it but you guys made me" or "I'm sorry I yelled but if you had done what you were supposed to be doing I wouldn't have lost my temper".  All the "buts" and "you should haves" (blame/shame).  

The truth was I lost it because I lost it.  I yelled because I let myself let them "have it" because it felt good in the moment to release some frustration.  I degraded them because my angst was already great and I wanted them to feel as bad as I was feeling already.  The long and short was my reaction (or lack thereof) was all on me.  So, I finally swallowed my pride and said, "I'm sorry I freaked out on you and acted so immaturely.  That was wrong of me, and it wasn't your fault."  These type of apologies are really, really hard for me to do.  (Owning all of my behavior with no excuses).

 

This page below out of a book I'm reading was helpful. (Raising Emotionally Mature Boys, yes, I know it's a bit late for this!)

 

I've heard many apologies over the years that I don't really think are apologies either.  I still believe God forgives through them, they just are frosted thick with blame and shame so don't really help repair any brokenness.  I'm sure you've heard your share as well.  And so have our kids, from us, unfortunately.   

 

Here's a few that come to mind~

"I'm sorry you didn't like what I said"

"I'm sorry if I *might* have offended you" (no admittance to doing anything wrong, far too vague)

"I'm sorry for any hurt feelings" (still no admitting of any wrong doing) 

"I'm sorry for acting out, but you were doing ..... that provoked me" (blaming, not owning)

"Don't make me lose it" (it is frightening for a child to think they have that much power and that their parent is not in control)

One of my friends has said that her mom was convicted 20-30+ years later of the anger she had had when her kids were small.  She called each one of the 12 of them, and apologized and owned it all.  She didn't blame it on stress, or her naughty kids; instead she owned that what she had done was wrong.  This daughter felt heard/recognized instead of believing she was {part of} her mom's anger all those years.  Another friend said a family member lived in fear her whole childhood because her mom would say, "don't make me mad or I might have a heart attack".  The kids lived in fear they might kill their mother at any misdeed, even if accidental.  Poor kids!

 

  

 

#3.  This last one that comes to mind today is a doozy.  It goes back almost those 20 years.  It means apologizing for how we parented and caused habits that now need to be undone, if they even can be.  Back when our oldest was a toddler, everyone we knew was training their children with the To Train Up a Child books.  Everyone in all the circles we knew.  In AZ and WA.  And they seemed Biblical.  The main component of these methods and books was to have compliance from the child at all levels and in all places.  There was no room for error as a parent, or room for a 'lazy day' or your child would be back to square one with the discipline.  This caused me to be very diligent at "winning" any power struggles with my then toddler.  We had significant holdouts where I was determined to win the battle of wills at any cost, this would cement me as the authority that my child must obey.  Sadly, it's not that simple.  I discarded this parenting style pretty quickly, but not without long term damage.  My oldest child learned that his opinion didn't matter, especially in areas where anger was involved (the greatest sin).  [Note the lack of grace for both parents and children]

 

Since then, I have learned that often anger is a sense of injustice, whether real or perceived.  Our toddlers have an idea of how they want things, and often turn up angry when that cannot be fulfilled.  My new kind of parenting did listen better and brought them close to me when things got heated instead of using love/connection as leverage to get compliance, but I had shut this child down far too many times already.  He's now an adult and has little idea how to handle inner anger or senses of injustice.  

 

The child doesn't feel worthy of having feelings because I didn't know how to teach these things back then, because my own feelings were completely shut down inside of me.  He has no emotional vocabulary because I didn't teach him that.  Although I changed my parenting as soon as I could (it just felt wrong to my heart to do this), some damage was done.  I realize this is multifaceted and I'm not only to blame, but I also knew I needed to repent of this damage I recognize I caused due to my ignorance back then.  Know better, do better and apologize for whatever you know was wrong, even if it was almost 20 years ago.  I also repented of letting him "cry it out" to try to get him to sleep through the night.  I also listened to other people and not my own gut instincts and heart on that one.  My other 5 kids never had to endure that misery.

 

 

These people in the paragraphs above also wrote marriage books which I also renounce. (Created to be His Helpmeet).  My friend is helping me see the damage of these books as well. I don't feel they affected our own marriage much since we were pretty well established in our marriage by the time they were written, but I can see how they cause a lot of shame, blame and guilt; and it's all on the wife.  The husband loves these books because his wife is constantly picking up the slack and the pieces (acting like a doormat), and the consequences from his choices made to which she has to adapt.  And taking the shame for having any of her own ideas, preferences or limitations.  It's a mess.  Marriage isn't considered a level playing field of a team where each work together in their God-given roles.  I'm sorry if I recommended these books to any of you, because I didn't see the damage of them back then, I thought they were pretty neutral and I'm sorry.  This could be a big reason that 80% of autoimmune diseases are in women. 

 

#4. Letting them and encouraging them to cry.  This one is a toughie for me because I always thought my job as a mom was to stop the crying.  And if they were crying, I was a bad mom.  Yes, I took it personally.  But crying is wonderful.  The more we respond to our kids when they cry, the less they will feel the need to cry.  We all need to cry.  It teaches them that it's ok to hurt when things are hurtful. There are so many benefits, but mainly I would say that we teach them that vulnerability is a strength, not a weakness.  And if our kids feel free coming to us with their tears, we must guard this vulnerability like a vault and never use it against them.  That is a rapid fire way to lose their trust.  When I started embracing crying instead of shutting it down, one of our kids cried for 2 hours, 3 days in a row. (I had given some Ignatia homeopathic remedy for grief).  I feel like a lifetime of tears came out and it hasn't happened again in such fervor.  Another child cried repeatedly over a hard situation and the same happened.  Both transformed our relationship between parent and child.  But, I had to just let them cry and not take on their pain myself (enmeshment, codependency where we can't tell what's ours and what is someone else's) but just comfort them or give them space, whatever they needed. 

 

 

This last one is key to relationship.  I love the meme below.  We could all work on our tone when we're annoyed, frustrated or angry ourselves.  And sometimes we need action and a friendly tone just doesn't work so well.  But, we also need to be able to say, "I need a break and we'll deal with this when we've both had a few minutes to think clearly" or any such words that bring the tone/angst back down.  Emotional reactions rarely end well.  We know this in our kids, and we know this in ourselves yet we succumb often enough, it seems.  Choose responding (taking time to think things through) over reacting (impulsively blurting out what you'll later regret and have to apologize for).

Resources~

• John Delony books 

• Dr Becky Kennedy at Good Inside (she's also been on Andrew Huberman and Lewis Howes podcasts and more)

• Calm Parenting Podcast with Kirk Martin (I haven't listened to a lot of these, but the ones I have have been good)

  

 

“Grace is one-way love. Grace is a gift with no strings attached. It is non-contingent, a compassionate alliance, unmerited favor, sacrificial love that seeks a person out at their most unlovable.” 

~David Zahl in The Big Relief

Christmas Letter 2024

Then spake Jesus again unto them, saying, I am the Light of the world: he that followeth me shall not walk in darkness, but shall have the light of life. ~John 8:12

December 2024

Greetings of love and peace to you this Christmas season! As I sit down to write, the only thought that comes to mind is the loss of my Mom this past year. Any other thoughts seem to be centered around that, or else a blur of adjusting or sustaining. Most of you likely know her story, but I’ll recap quickly for those who don’t, sharing my own perspective. My other family members each have their own story as well, which is just as valid, but each of us has our own story to tell. So today you get mine!

The year started out for me with a prayer of deliverance in general terms. I didn’t exactly know what this meant, but it just seemed that all of us are in some sort of bondage. Whether that was health limitations, binding thought patterns or habits, relationship or financial struggles, or whatever; we all suffer in some way or another in this earthly life. The Psalms are full of prayers of deliverance, so I added mine to the list.

Fast forward to April, when Mom was diagnosed with a stage IV 8x10cm cancerous liver tumor blocking the drainage ducts from her liver. We headed up to Alberta as a family to be there with her and Dad, and watch and wait to see how things unfolded. As they did, our extended family was able to stagger their visits to spend May and June at home with her, and then in July it was deemed time for hospice. She went to a beautiful hospice center where she was lovingly cared for that last month. She passed away July 24. Greg and I and kids drove the next trip up there for the funeral on Aug 6. (the day after what would have been her 74th birthday) All in all, I spent 6 weeks up there this spring and summer as I flew by myself 2 times as well.

It was then I realized that my prayer was answered. Mom was given deliverance from this world. It was not the way I anticipated nor expected, but her earthly concerns are all gone. She is free from the bondage that we all are left to grapple with. What a joy for her, but now what an empty spot we are all left to adjust to, especially Dad. Her goal is reached, her race has been run. (2 Timothy 4:7-8)

All fall we’ve spent catching up. Time doesn’t stop for things like this as you likely know. We appreciate all those who have reached out in love and care, and given grace for the ups and downs.

So, as I close, I wish you all the best in the coming year. I’m praying for whatever drags you down; that you may be given abundance, hope and life from the Light of the World who is Jesus, whose birth we celebrate now at Christmas. PS. If you want to know what our kids are all up to, just pull out your last years letter from me and reread it. It’s pretty much still all the same. Wash, rinse, repeat!

Love, Rachel and all

How We Love by Milan and Kay Yerkovich ~ book review

This book was excellent.  Another piece of the puzzle put in place!  It helped me so much see where I'm coming from, where Greg is coming from; as well as having more compassion for where friends and family are coming from.  These are all just skills we can learn to better improve our relationships.  I'm not going to write a ton on this one, but would just encourage you to get the book yourself and read it through.  Get the copy with a workbook in the back, as that has all the questions to work through.  The basis of the book is attachment as I mentioned previously in another post.  It also has its basis in the Changes that Heal book that I also reviewed recently.  

Soul words are just putting words to your feelings and emotions, if you struggle to come up with them on your own.  (PDF to print off here)

Here's the 5 types of ways we attach to others.  All of them are coping mechanisms we've adapted from childhood.  The last one is the goal, to be a secure attacher.  We can also switch types depending on who we are with.

• I tend to be positive and self-sufficient
• I'm usually "fine" and not very affectionate
• I have few emotions
• Sometimes I comply simply to avoid arguments
• I generally don't ask for any sort of emotional investment or commitment from people
• I minimize and resist expressions of anger in others and myself
• I'm usually happiest when other people are happy and don't want a lot from me
• I'm task oriented and a high achiever
• I prefer to do something for someone rather than connect emotionally
• I've felt resentment towards my spouse for wanting something more from me
• I'm tired of hearing how distant I am
• I don't really think of my own feelings or needs very often

• People knew me as the "good kid"
• I struggle with fear of rejection or criticism
• Sometimes I seek deeper connection by working to meet others' needs
• I have needs but they're not as big as most people's
• At times I've had difficulty tolerating physical or emotional distance from my spouse
• I prefer to deal with conflict by making up for it quickly and moving on
• I can be very jealous but I rarely show it
• I have difficulty saying no and sometimes it makes me less than truthful
• I generally don't feel angry, or if I do, I try to think about something else to get rid of it
• I don't often ask for help and feel uncomfortable when others try to help

• Growing up I experienced a great deal of intense anger and stress from a parent or parents
• I'm used to chaos at home
• I've learned to protect myself through passivity
• I don't like to consider the alternative if I weren't quiet and submissive
• I don't often assert myself
• Relationship problems are usually my fault
• I try very hard to keep my mate happy, but it doesn't always work
• At times I'm honestly scared of my spouse
• I'm resentful and angry but try not to focus on it
• I feel trapped and hopeless most of the time
• No one really knows me or what goes on in my marriage
• My spouse is nicer to friends than to me

• I've always been especially sensitive
• I desire deep, passionate connection with my spouse but never seem to get it
• I've had a history of idealizing others early on in relationships
• I easily feel disappointed, rejected, unwanted
• I sometimes become angry when my expectations are not met
• I can feel betrayed, abandoned when others are not emotionally available
• I experience internal conflict and a high level of emotional stress in relationships
• My own conflicted responses sometimes confuse even me
• Others have said they feel like they are walking on eggshells around me
• I have difficulty accepting the weaknesses of others
• I have difficulty being willing to reengage when anger blocks out other emotions
• I tend to reflect more on how others have hurt me than on my own shortcomings

• Growing up, I experienced a great deal of intense anger and stress from parent(s)
• I'm used to chaos at home
• I've learned to protect myself through aggression
• I don't like to consider the alternative if I weren't so dominant
• I tend not to think about the past but stay busy with the present
• My spouse couldn't survive without me
• Our relationship problems are usually my spouse's fault
• I rarely feel any emotion except anger and sometimes guilt if my anger has gone too far
• Things would go more smoothly if my spouse listened to me and did the things I ask
• My spouse purposely makes me jealous
• I get angry when others don't listen
• I have few feelings about my childhood except that I'm glad it's over because I wouldn't go back

• Able to say no to unreasonable requests
• Can you take risks?  Secure adults are able to approach new activities with curiosity
• Can you ask for help?  They know it isn't a sign of weakness
• Can you work towards compromise (they do not avoid or ignore problems, different points of view are not only tolerated but respected)
• Can you say you're sorry?  Secure people are not defensive, they admit their mistakes, apologize for errors, take ownership of their own shortcomings which makes it easy for secure people to forgive others when they are wronged

Basically all of these things listed above get in the way of being able to bond with others (except secure connector).  The ability to comfort others as well as be comforted is at the root of all relationships.  We cannot give what we do not have ourselves, but we can learn it.  The way a parent handles a child's fear, shame, anger, sadness, and jealously is critical for adult relationships.  Did they teach one thing but do another in their own marriage relationship? (do what I say not what I do?)  Do parents teach their children that the goal is to eliminate uncomfortable feelings or rather to learn to handle them?  Did they teach how to process all emotions, which in turn teaches how to handle stressful situations?  Were manners more important than heart issues? (don't embarrass me in public! Make me look like a good parent!)  Was it the child's job to manage the parent's emotional needs? 

The comfort circle (below) is this books way of building relationships by sharing and listening to comfort one another in distress.  They talk about the many ways we cope, but don't comfort our spouse (and vice versa) when they are in distress (sadness, hurt, fear, anxiety, anger, etc).  Many people are used to comforting themselves alone, as learned behavior.  Many homes had lots of opinions and thoughts, but not much room for expressing negative emotions.  I also recently learned that a thought comes from the brain, and a feeling comes from our heart.  Even if someone says, "I feel I should get that job", it's still a thought because it comes from the mind not the heart.  Start recognizing the difference with your own words, your family's, and those around you.  Start encouraging a safe place to share emotions by learning to listen better (it teaches you in the book), and how to comfort better.  (Hint. Have your loved one (spouse, child) lay their head in your lap while they share how they feel).  Start with the emotions of childhood memories (good and bad) and move into more difficult ones as time goes by and emotional trust and vulnerability is built.  In this book they also have one speaker and one listener, taking a set amount of time (5-10 min) and then switching roles.  This can sound impossible to do, but it's helpful so we each feel heard (the key to trust, if you recall from the Trust book).  To be able to listen, understand and learn without defensiveness, anger or putting our own two bits (advice) is harder than it sounds.  Many of us have never shared with such vulnerability.

Sometimes our childhood roles also spill into our adult relationships.  We've learned to adapt to guard against conflict and pain.  These defenses are common to everyone.  Which ones can you relate to?

• regression- "if I'm angry or hurt I act in childish ways.  I pout, sulk, go to my parents' house or have temper tantrums"
• suppression- "I distract myself a lot so I don't have to feel or deal with what's bothering me"
• withdrawal- "when I'm hurt or upset, I physically leave, or just go off in my own thoughts"
• blame- "other people are the cause of most of my problems.  I act and feel the way I do because of them.  If they would change, everything would be fine" (very common)
• rationalization- "it's easy to tell myself the wrong things I do aren't that bad when I compare myself to what most of the other people in the world do wrong"
• devaluation- "when I'm upset, I focus on the negative traits of others.  Those traits are more numerous and pronounced than my own" (a close second after blame)
• intellectualization- "I can analyze my way out of any feeling or emotion"
• compensation- "I feel the need to exaggerate my good points in order to hide any deficiencies"
• denial- "I refuse to acknowledge pain and problems and call it having a positive attitude"
• replacement- "when I'm feeling a negative emotion, I express the opposite in order to hide the truth"
• distraction- "I avoid conflict or pain by filling the day with anything and everything"

Here's the link to find out what kind of love style you are (we can change depending on who we are with as well).  

Here's a list of free downloads to print off to help you rebuild those weak areas.

And lastly, a quote below from my favorite John Delony...often we think we can handle things on our own, but this is untrue. Healing ourselves will heal our homes and our relationships.

I also forgot to list some of the reasons we trust people we shouldn't (and end up in relationship difficulties later).  This is from the last chapter of Trust, and I forgot to list them on that book review previously.  He calls them "reasons for misplaced trust".

1. We're lonely.  We're isolated and we desire to connect so we cut corners and ignore clear warnings.  This is when we need to listen to friends and family whom we trust for their advice.
2. We feel powerless and lack boundaries.  If we do not feel empowered to say "no", we will allow abuse, gaslighting (people negating our perceptions), control, blame and we cannot keep untrustworthy people away.  If we cannot set boundaries, we also are typically also unable to confront problems or be able to put a finger on what feels "off" about the relationship.
3. Needing the "Ideal".  People who don't feel ok about themselves often look for someone who appears "awesome" who makes them feel like they are wonderful.  It makes them feel important, special or good, but often the "ideal" is a manipulator or flatterer.  Looking for perfection is a setup for misplaced trust.
4. Taking the rescue bait.  This person often has been treated badly, and then someone else comes along and tells them they are wonderful and they fall for the bait.  Many second marriages and new jobs begin this way.
5. Merger fantasies.  Sometimes it feels like something is missing in us, and we are drawn to someone who possesses what we don't have.  But, the need that drives the merger often overlooks other untrustworthy aspects of this person.  This is different from complementary relationships where we complement each other.
6. Someone from your past.  If someone in your formative past had issues and you've never dealt with them, you will be blind to them.  Patterns repeat themselves because people are in denial about how their past has affected them.  We need to acknowledge the damage or lacks so we can heal.  We should see things that are generational in nature and acknowledge their damage so we can heal.   "We marry our unfinished business".
7. Insecure attachment styles (listed above).  This happens in marriages as well as business.
8. Rescue fantasies. You believe that you can change someone with your love.  Your wish to improve them is greater than their wish to change.
9. Victim thinking.  Many think they are powerless to change troubled relationships. 
10. Guilt.  Many deceivers and betrayers are great at blame, never owning their own responsibilities.
11. Too High Pain Tolerance.  When people come from backgrounds of difficult relationships or are overly responsible, they have learned to put up with way, way too much before pulling the trigger.  Pay attention to your pain.

Further Reading~

How to Have That Difficult Conversation by Cloud and Townsend

Running on Empty by Jonice Webb

January update

It seems like I need to sort my thoughts for the new year a bit here, so this is what I'll do today.  I've been thinking much about goals and directions, or vision if you will; and I kind of get discouraged.  I read a recent blog about it, (I rarely read these anymore these days, but I wondered what a "vision board" was for the new year).  It was so discouraging.  Every time I try to do such things, it blows up in my face somehow or another.  So, it's better just to keep plodding in day in and day out.  I don't even know what our needs or our plans or our visons are for the next year.  I don't know what my husband needs, or my kids need.  Or where the world will be.  Or anything even remotely in that direction.

Romans 7:19 For the good that I would I do not: but the evil which I would not, that I do.

What I have noticed over the years, is that we often don't know how things will come to fruition, so how can we even plan or strive to get there?  You notice how I use the word strive.  Yep.  (strive: [verb] to devote serious effort or energy)   I don't have "serious effort or energy".  I wish I did, but then maybe I wouldn't understand God's grace as much as He wants me to.  I barely make it most days.  I can't think about a week ahead, let alone a year.  Does that mean God will not lead me where He wants me to go  just because I don't have a written down list of goals and purpose?  No, of course not.  When I told Greg about the blog, he said, "yeah, a whole bunch of works-based-Baptist-like people, I'm sure".  Which is true.  Many seem to think that somehow good works/intentions will equal righteousness somehow, someday, or that it's their good habits and processes that save their souls and that of their children.  Especially when they throw Jeremiah 29:11 in for their Bible verse that explains it all. Many Bible versions say "a future and a hope" vs. the KJV that says, "expected end".  We just studied this verse in Bible Study in all it's facets, and if you read the chapters before and afterwards, you will see that God knows what He was doing then (saving their souls from their own ignorance and sinfulness) and He's still doing that today, if we want to apply that verse.  The hard things we go through are to learn more of His grace, not to stand on our own feet more and more each day and or to fulfill our to-do list of requests. I talked about this in my Above Rubies post a few years back.  I guess I kind of have an axe to grind with this topic.

James 1:5 If any of you lack wisdom, let him ask of God, that giveth to all men liberally, and upbraideth not; and it shall be given him.

That being said, I want to share how some of our family's prayers have been answered lately, without me ever knowing how they would turn out, or what to specifically pray for.  No intentional-ness here.

1)  Greg's new job.  He had been burned out, frustrated, and unmotivated for many years now.  So, I guess hitting a midlife crisis.  No new Corvettes yet though!  But we had been praying for new direction for him, and he had applied for several machining jobs that he didn't get (in one the guy decided not to retire after all, another G didn't have any millwright experience, etc).  Even though he still enjoyed machining, he felt there were very few options nearby that would expand his skillset any further than where he already was.  He was so patient waiting for God to show the way, and He did.  It turned out we were at our church campout staying next to a couple we kind-of know, when the men were "talking shop" and the job option came up "within the next couple years".  Then it turned into "next couple months" which turned into "next couple weeks".  We give credit to Greg's sister Amy who said that she'd pray for "a door to open for Greg to step into that he couldn't do anything but go through it".  And that's how it turned out to be.  Neither of us had been praying that boldly, so it was a good lesson to do so.  Just as he started the job, the company moved right to Kalama, so that was just an added bonus.  Greg can also see how all his previous jobs, especially the one he had when we first moved to WA have served him so well into what he is doing now.  His boss at Paul Sherman was the toughest he's ever had, but he also grew and learned exponentially like never before or after during that time period (and burned out his adrenals too!)  He also now can stay up later due to not getting up so early any more, but also misses his Fridays off that he's had for the past 10 year.  The weekends seem all to rushed and short!

2) A job for Luke.  We've been praying for options for him for many years now.  A hard to face homeschool reality is that teenage boys shouldn't be home with their moms all day.  Or even other kids' moms (coaches, music teachers, etc). They need to be around men, learning skills from men, and how to be men.  This is a drawback to homeschooling, but can happen in other school settings too, if the teachers are mostly/all female.  Since our kids were unable to work with Dad at his old job, they had to wait until they were 18, or 16 at best to go get a job somewhere (long after it was needed!).  Now with Greg's new job, Luke was able to get himself a part-time job there and is learning all kinds of skills from other real men who are leading by example of what it takes to be a man.  He's also hoping he can get more into learning computer designing with Arrow, but for now is working out in the yard most of the time.   This is a huge answer to prayer, especially with the state of everything being online (stuck at home, on a screen) these days.  We all spend too much time on screens for whatever reason or another.

3) Getting through the current illness affair.  We didn't all get sick, we got well, we stayed home for the whole month of December when you add in the snow days that followed.  It was kind of a relief to quit fearing it and just tackle it head on.  I do realize we could get sick again, and am not off the hook yet, since we are mortals in a fallen world.  I did end up getting quite dehydrated on day 12 which was quite a setback.  I thought I was recovering nicely until I woke up feeling extremely dizzy and lightheaded.  I borrowed a blood pressure cuff from our neighbor, and my pulse and BP were all up 30 points, and even more when I would get up standing vertical.  This was concerning, but I was too dizzy to even think about what to do.  I rested all that day, and hoped I'd feel better the next day, which I didn't.  The first day I was down, Greg had gone back to work, so wasn't here.  The next day was Christmas Eve, so I thought we should probably get it checked out, as I was concerned about blood clots and cardiac changes that often come up later after the virus has passed.  I went to urgent care where my EKG was normal, but the Dr. wanted cardiac labs to ensure I didn't have any other abnormalities going on, since my pulse and BP wouldn't come down.  So, I spent Christmas Eve in the ER getting that done.  It was a blessing in disguise because the ER was quite empty and I was able to get in and out of there in 3 hours rather than the normal 6 hour minimum.  It turned out all labs were normal and that I was just severely dehydrated.  It sounds kind of silly that that is all that it was, but truthfully I have no idea how I was supposed to even suspect it.  I didn't feel like it at all.  I was drinking plenty of soups, broths, teas and electrolyte drinks.  I have found out since then that your body needs 3x the fluids when you are sick, and that water often goes right through if the minerals are out of balance.  It did take a full week before I felt "normal" again (fluid balance when I got up or down took a while to regulate).

I have to admit that during the dizziness time, I was really scared.  The day before the dizziness day, I cried all day.  Everything made me cry, even for no reason I cried.  I couldn't stop and didn't know why (totally abnormal for me).  I hadn't yet paid the bills for the month and kept obsessing about it, although I was too dizzy to go and do it.  I was scared that I'd die and leave Greg with all the things undone that I normally do.  Then I'd talk myself out of it and think about how he and the kids would be fine if I did die because they are now old enough to handle things better than years ago.  And then I'd swing back again to being scared of dying like our friend Christine did, at the mercy of the hospital without anyone at my side during the end.  Part of this came because the day before we got sick, we had been at Bible Study where we were singing Christmas carols around a beautifully decorated tree at a family from church's house.  It was so beautiful that I thought to myself, "this is too good to be true and won't happen again".  I don't know where the thought came from, but it made me wonder if someone would be missing the next time our congregation gathered, and if that someone would be me.  It all sounds ridiculous now that I'm well, but that's where my mind went when I wasn't well.  Trying to run the household from laying on the couch with very literal thinking teenage boys who are capable but can't see what needs to be done was part of it too!  (I took Aconite homeopathic remedy  after all was said and done, and all those irrational fears just disappeared.  I didn't think of it at the time.  Aconite works well on fear/anxiety; past, present or future that are overwhelming a person).

4)  The thankfulness was our humble Christmas.  Because of our illness, we didn't even have Christmas presents bought for the 4 youngest kids yet.  We didn't have our normal Christmas food.  We didn't have any company or go anywhere.  We didn't have any programs or traditions, no caroling either.  We had a poorly decorated but huge tree given by a different neighbor (maybe 10 random decorations, a clump of beads that some child put up without untangling, and some lights).  We were thankful to God that I got out of the hospital and could come home that night (about 6pm).  We were thankful for food dropped off in previous days by friends and family.  We were thankful we were all home together.  Thankful for a neighbor man who saw an Amazon package on our driveway (while we were at the hospital) and he was concerned it might get stolen so he called Greg and asked where he could safely hide it until we got home (it was a Christmas gift from grandparents).  Thankful for a warm wood stove fire.  Thankful for our kids who didn't mind that they had meager scrounged gifts, and were so forgiving and loving anyhow.  I love their unselfish hearts, and it helped my guilt somewhat to see them genuinely not concerned about material things, but instead be thankful just that Mom came home.  I hope I learned more about recalibrating our priorities, but I probably won't.  Somehow we as parents want to make Christmas perfect for our kids, but in doing so, we lose the true spirit of it all.  I'm not sure how in actuality to keep the proper balance.

5) Family and friends.  I hate to be on the receiving end of help, but after this sickness experience, I'm so thankful that we have such loving extended family and friends.  My idea would have it that I'm always giving, helping, arranging, and not be receiving, but that's just my own pride rearing it's ugly head.  It was very humbling to have people bringing meals, offering meds and vitamins, nebulizers, BP cuffs and pulse ox monitors in case we needed them.  I know plenty of people were praying for us.  Sometimes I do wonder what would happen in a real crisis when we don't have immediate family nearby, but this experience told me that we do have good friends and we do have a loving church family that would watch out for us.  I know it's awkward when we're sick to acknowledge it out loud, but it's also good to let others know what's going on so they can pray.  The balance between drumming up drama (I know enough folks who do this often!) and actually asking for help because you truly need it.  I never want to bother others, but it was a huge blessing to know so many were watching out for us, and standing on guard to help however they could.

6) Music lessons and sports, along with our teachers and the coaches.  I'm so thankful for these.  Without them, I think I would go mad.  They engage in my kids, believe in them, give them confidence, and hold them to a higher standard than I am able to.  They also give me a much needed break now and then!

This quote below has been on my mind so much lately too.  So many hurts, so much confusion, so many sinful habits, so many, many problems in this world.  It overwhelms me pretty much every day.  But, I am learning how to not ruminate on other people's problems better, and to keep my mind in better places.  Forgiveness was part of that healing (Eph 4:32), taking my thoughts captive was another (2 Cor 10:5), but also removing myself from the destructive talk and behaviors has been necessary too.  I feel guilty for it, but I would be consumed if I stuck around.

Mental illness has also been in my forefront lately too.  It's so hard to know what direction to go, how to set boundaries, how to get actual help and healing, how to sit back and just pray, how to support those immediately involved, etc.  And how to forgive the decades of hurt is hard too, how to hold the unwell person accountable without being their skapegoat, and how to not get sucked into the vortex of the illness.  How to truthfully acknowledge the problems while still "putting the best construction on all they do" as our catechism instructs.  How to actually get a diagnosis is the hardest of all.  The mental health system in our country sucks.  Totally sucks.  People who are sick don't know they are sick, and because of privacy laws the family has no say in the getting of help, or even getting the sick person to someone who can help.  And then they just medicate and medicate, and don't ever get to the root of the problem.  The system also likes to place lots of blame on bad parenting and encourages victimhood, instead of moving forward with healing from where we are today.  It's good to acknowledge the past, but it's not good to stay there.  We can't go back, we can only heal and move forward from here.  It's just hard, just plain hard.

Book review~ Eve in Exile

Part of my book reviews I need to finish up with was the Eve in Exile book that I reviewed a month or so ago in a previous post.  When I was ready to take it back to the library, I realized that it still had a bookmark in it, and that I hadn't finished reviewing the end of the book which is what tied it all together.  

I also want to clarify that this book isn't written, and I'm not writing any of this stuff to put heavies on others to do more or be more or expect more.  If you think that, then you are missing the point.  The point is to notice how the feminist movement that we've all grown up in and been surrounded our whole lives by has left us wanting as women, and it's so subtle that often it's hard to notice where we went off course.  Eve in Exile brings out what went wrong, the how's and why's and what we can do to rectify it.  She writes in the book that the movement itself has pretty much crashed and burned, and now's the time to rebuild better than before.  As Christians, let's lead the way! Soo...

How do we "subdue" and "fill" our homes?  We first have to see it as a hugely meaningful task.  Not a degrading one that needs to be escaped from somehow (shopping, jobs, careers, etc).  The home we live in clearly matters (not the size or shape, but the intrinsic value).  Our homes nurture, provide food and rest, give shelter and create a loyalty to itself to become one of the strongest of all human emotions.  Home is where your people are, and your deepest loves and allegiances lie.  Or it can be a place of contempt, bitterness, envy and strife.  Whatever is the outcome in our own homes, us women are at the helm, and it is not an irrelevant position to hold.  Our aim should first be towards our homes and our husbands and children (if we have them) and then we venture out further after that.  She encourages and explores all sorts of "venturing" depending on your ages and stages.

Filling it includes the fruitfulness of having children to the glory of God, but there are so many other ways to fill and be fruitful that are outside of that.  Nurturing, caregiving, filling the earth with the knowledge and love of God, showing hospitality, making life lovely and beautiful for those around them (inside and out).  When men and pastors go about bringing change, they do it with ideas and very directly.  Women do it more subtly with hot food and love and joy and serving others in everything they do.  Women like Mother Teresa and Amy Carmichael come to mind for me.  I also think of Greg's grandparents (or mine) who his Papa was a Pastor always discussing doctrine and theology way into the night; but his Grandma was the one was busy endlessly opening her home, quietly changing the sheets on the beds yet again, and making sure the men had plenty of coffee and cinnamon rolls to add to their discussion.  Oh, to be more like her someday!  Her silence spoke volumes of her faith and her faithfulness without her having to say a word.   Whatever our lot is, we should see our jobs as poetry.  We shape lives.  We shape loves and loyalties, we weave glorious truths into the souls of the people around us.  It's a tall order for sure, one that I fail at every day, that's for sure!  I certainly am not adding more "heavies" to what we are already bearing, it's just an interesting perspective on how important tending to the care of our own homes and loves.

She also shares how we should strive to be helpers to the men we have; not the men we wish we had or the men we wish our own would become someday.  She likens it to people who dress for the body they wish they have, not the body they have.  It's rather painful to witness.   She encourages us to look at our husbands and their callings and their loves and then glorify those.  Make your children see how amazing their dad is, and how his work is significant and that you and your kids are incredibly privileged to be a part of his life.  A real life example of this she uses is the Pioneer Woman.  Translate that into your own life and use wisdom and discernment to make it glorious.  Own your story!  Ask him what he loves, how he wants his house, how he wants his children raised and then make it happen.  The idea of actually being a helper to your husband rather than pushing your own ideas and dreams and following them doesn't seem real fun, especially if your husbands plans don't seem like a rewarding project; but the results of this will be transformative.  Women change the world this way, ever since Adam and Eve.  They compel their husbands without a word (1 Pet 3:1) to become a whole lot better men themselves.  The women believe in the men they married, that God will give the results.  If you don't have a husband and/or children, there are plenty of needs out there that we can share our love and devotion to.

The last chapter is short and it focuses on the differences between men and women.  How as soon as women start demanding equality, they lose the difference between the sexes and lose their God given glory.  We need to embrace the differences, and realize we've been created to bring glory to God in different ways.  We show and bring glory when we give of ourselves, sacrifice ourselves and submit freely to our husbands (as we vowed to do) and that glory will grow and grow.  We won't notice it, but others will. (Matt 5:16).  When we begin looking at our own perceived needs, our rights, our self-esteem or our fulfillment then our glory decreases.  When we lay our pride down, God will give us of His dignity.  Feminine glory is fruitful, it produces and builds but often looks messy and hilarious and ridiculous to the outsider. (Prov 14:4)  We want all the world to "taste and see that the Lord is good"(Prov 34:8).

I'll let you figure out how to do that for your own life.  Or not.  

Christmas Letter 2020

 Hello all! 

We started out on Christmas Day last year getting the bad news that our brother-in-law David (Greg's only sister Amy's husband) was diagnosed with stage IV melanoma cancer throughout his body. He had been sick all fall with no official diagnosis. This was devastating as we watched the journey unfold throughout the year. Sadly David passed away on July 7 at age 38 and left behind Amy and their 8 children. Please keep them in your prayers for strength and peace.

Greg and James made a quick trip down to AZ at the end of January, and then I was able to fly down to help in March. I had never left my kids before, so that was both nerve wracking and kind of fun! My aunt Becky, and ladies from church Kristie and Elaine took excellent care of the kids while I was gone.

We were able to visit Arizona as a family in June, and were thankfully able to spend time with David and all. He was having minimal treatments at the time, which made him feel a bit better. It was a bittersweet trip, knowing we were also likely saying goodbye. We visited the Grand Canyon on our way down, and Zion National Park on our way home, which was a lovely treat. We also enjoyed the beauty traveling through Idaho and Utah (we usually go in the winter so generally take the snow-less CA route).

Luke is 15. He had his biggest achievements all in the same weekend: he bought his first truck (1979 Chevy Silverado) and was confirmed in our church. He enjoys drawing things for the 3D printer and avoiding Algebra. He's working on getting his driving permit here soon.

Next is James who is 13. He claims he has nothing to say this year. His well-loved sports all got canceled, so finding replacements has been a challenge. He decided to try learning Italian and the cello on his own (YouTube), so is just starting with that.

Elise now is 11 and she loves her cats and now she has a batch of 3 kittens to dote on. She still plays the violin and has a new teacher this year who really stretches her talents!

Isaac (9) still has a hearty interest in animals and keeps us updated on which animals interest him frequently. He likes foxes, anteaters, armadillos, aardvarks and Australian animals today (lots of the letter A, apparently). He's progressing well with piano lessons, also with the new same teacher.

Our Celeste (6) likes likes dogs, rabbits and lambs. She enjoys singing, learning the piano (on her own), playing Candy Land and is quite a whiz at card games. She whoops all the big kids! She's busy losing teeth, and making good money off them!

Levi (4) is still a dog lover, especially Dalmatians. He likes dressing up and pretending to be different animals with Isaac and Celeste. Lately there's been pretend koalas and reindeer roaming all over the house.

Mt St Helens, December 2020

I've taken up a small amount of knitting this year, and can now knit and purl a rectangle! No fancy skills or projects yet, but hoping soon. Greg has started machining on his lathe and mill at home now, so is doing various projects for friends and neighbors. He's also renewed his interest in leatherwork, and has been getting his machine humming again and advancing his sewing skills (totes and purses). He makes some pretty cool stuff, if I'm not a bit biased! His machinist skills have come in handy for the learning curve.

Much love and God's Peace,

Rachel, with Greg and kiddos

Progress Report

So after taking a year off from reading "learning books", we still made some health progress.  We've had a few chronic health issues that I've been trying to solve and it's been a slow process, but I have a hard time taking "no" for an answer.  When you see your child struggling, do you just leave them be?  Do you just accept their challenges as normal and okay?  I have a really hard time doing that.  And so, I kept on searching.  I got also got tired of being told that I should keep our diet egg, dairy, gluten and nut free for 3-5 years at least.  Feeding this large crew is extremely challenging as it is for my mom brain to figure out each and every day (likes/dislikes, budget, time, flavor, fridge space, etc).  And those dietary challenges take away anything that is convenient or quick foods, for the most part (although it gets rid of the cheap, crappy foods with no nutrition as well, so it's a double edged sword).  Our little Levi just had his first sandwich of his life, and he's almost 4!  He didn't know what it was.  He was so cute, "what is dis Mom?" But kind of sad too.

So, for James we used NAET to solve/desensitize his allergies.  He's now able to eat all those foods again, although we do them in small amounts as to not overload his body all at once.  He still has a bit of swollen lymph nodes that we're working on, but all the other symptoms from the past dozen years are gone.  Previously we had done IgG and IgA allergy testing and although it showed us what he was reacting to, it didn't fix the problem.  We did heal his gut (that did need doing), and so then the NAET worked much better.  (Typically you need both to heal from leaky gut).  I'd like to take Elise to this doctor as well, but we haven't yet (waiting for the tax return!)

The big progress we're making is to finally get some help for Isaac.  He's had speech issues all his life, but as he has gotten older, his frustration level has gone up and his pleasant demeanor had almost disappeared.  It's been heart breaking.  All roads to get him help led to dead ends.  I didn't exactly even know who to take him to.  He graduated out of the speech program at the school, and I even had him retested there, as well as at the hospital speech program and both of them deemed him "fine, have a nice day".   I looked into cranial sacral therapy (far too expensive at the time), had the chiropractor do her limited cranial sacral on him, had the pediatrician, the dentist assess him too, but no one could find anything wrong.  As moms, we know when our kids aren't "fine", and a 5 minute speech test won't determine frustration or data processing rates or abilities.  The next person I contacted was Dr. Ghaheri, who is an ENT (ear, nose, throat) doctor in Portland.  I messaged him (on FB!) a picture of Isaac's mouth (he asked for it) and he said, "you don't need me, you need Barbara Erskine (Speech Language Pathologist)".  

I waited a full year to get in to her (I was sure she forgot about us, but she hadn't), because she's so busy.  She then did a 2 1/2 hour consult over 2 days.  She spent 20 hours coming up with his diagnoses and formulating a treatment plan for him.  She's ridiculously thorough and precise.  Her attention to detail astounds me.  In the meantime, I talked to my cousin who is a speech therapist in a school and she helped me understand why Isaac couldn't get enough help at the school.  Here's why:  in the school (in WA anyhow, most others would be similar though) the therapists cannot help kids who aren't 30% deficient.  If they help kids that aren't that deficient, then the state thinks the therapists are scamming the system.  So kids fall through the cracks all the time with "nuances" (subtle distinctions or variations) because they aren't bad enough to qualify.  I also talked to our school's speech therapist that said she is not allowed to refer her kids to anyone who doesn't work in the school (OT, PT or herself).  If they can't help the child, then there's nothing they can do.  So, she can't tell anyone to go to a chiropractor or neurologist, or even a private speech therapist that can offer services that she can't offer.  Parents have to seek that all out on their own and her hands are tied.

So Barbara wanted 2 things to get done on Isaac before she started speech therapy with him.  She felt his hyoid bone was out of place (the free floating bone under your tongue held in place with cartilage) and she referred me to a Functional Neurology Chiropractor in Portland.  She feels there's no use doing therapy if you don't get to the root of the problem first.  She was right about the hyoid bone, it was shifted quite a ways to the side.  His tongue couldn't launch properly off of it, making all talking and eating a huge effort. (I picture it trying to dive off a diving board that is crooked).  The only reason for a hyoid bone to be out of place is from head injuries.  Isaac did have 2 bad falls when he was about 18m-2 years old.  He was bounced out of a trampoline that wasn't zippered closed and  landed on his head, and he slipped right back on his head at a splash park that same summer.  Definitely could have been either of those!

The other thing was a tongue tie release.  I had him evaluated by Dr. Ghaheri (he uses Barbara to screen all the older children before he sees them), who is one of the top tongue tie doctors in the US, and he determined that it does need to be lasered to release it.  Barbara feels that it is the root for most speech problems and connects the fascia of the whole body causing so many issues other than speech. Here's a photo of how the whole body is connected by the fascia.  It's actually really cool!  I have a feeling several other of our kids will need it done in the future too.  Teeth crowding, trouble sleeping, messy eating? Yep, familiar with those!  It falls into the midline defects category which seems to be related to vitamin A deficiency during the first 3 weeks of pregnancy.  (too much vitamin A can cause the same defects, but most of us don't get too much).  It is also can be related to the MTHFR gene defect, which is in the B vitamin family of deficiencies/malabsorption.

Signs of tongue-tie in newborns

• Open mouth posture
• Mouth breathing
• Sleep apnea symptoms

Breastfeeding tongue tie symptoms (for the child)

• Shallow or difficulty latching
• The latch cannot be sustained for long
• Sliding off the nipple
• Prolonged feeds
• Restlessness after prolonged feeds
• Refusal or irritable during feeds
• Dribbling and spilling
• Falling asleep on the breast
• Arching the back and pushing away
• Gumming and chewing on the breast
• Unable to use a dummy/pacifier
• Clicking noise while nursing (stridor)
• Inability to hold pacifier or use bottle
• Excessive gas
• Reflux
• Colic

Breastfeeding tongue tie symptoms (for the mother)

• Cracked, bleeding nipples
• Lipstick or inverted nipple
• Pain while nursing
• Over/under supply (inefficiently empties breast)

Developmental signs

• Delayed speech, problem with certain letters or sounds
• Lisp
• Food & texture aversions
• Tooth decay (even with constant brushing)
• Gagging or choking,
• Squirreling food
• Difficulty talking fast
• Can’t move tongue past lips
• Jaw joint and posture
• Jaw pain
• Migraines
• Neck and back pain
• Forward or slumped posture

Source: https://www.drstevenlin.com/tongue-tie-symptoms-kids-teeth/

I think this new information just opened a whole can of worms, likely in a good way that we've yet to find out.  Barbara is also a myofunctional therapist, which most speech therapists are not (they need extra training on their own to become one).  They look more into root causes of mouth issues (this includes dental issues, speech issues, sleep apnea and more).

We also learned about visual learners (Isaac, Luke and myself for sure) and how they do better at A to B sports (running, swimming, rollerblading, track, skiing, skating) rather than ball sports where they have to make too many quick decisions.  Kids who rely on their eyes the most don't do well with the pressure of having to make many split second decisions that sports like soccer or wrestling require.  These kids excel at things where they can go their own pace and there's very few decisions to be made in the sport.  The decision making sports are good for building skills in areas of weakness, but these type of children will never excel at these sports and will often be left out and frustrated.  Barbara uses obstacle courses for building up the weaker areas by using blindfolds for increasing the other senses.  She taught us about muscle memory and increasing that as well.  Often visual learners have poor muscle memory because they use their eyes so much.

Right now we're doing exercises with Isaac to help his mouth muscles move in new ways to get ready for the release (building muscle memory). She also is getting to the root of his inability to hold a pencil or utensil properly.  I've been working with him for his whole life to get him to, but she said when we get the fascia released, it'll happen on its own.  I had him sit by me during school for a full year, and every single day I'd remind him how to hold a pencil and he still couldn't do it.  See how the tongue tie affects the whole body?!  I'll keep you posted how this all shakes out.  It does make me cry (I have shed a few tears of joy) that he's finally getting some help after all these years!

Last one~ Celeste also got adjusted by the neuro chiropractor for her head injury (remember the sledding accident?) and we're hoping it helps her eyesight.  We haven't had her checked yet.  The chiropractor said that if the balance is off (the crystals in the ears that maintain balance get dislodged in a head injury) the eyes will try to compensate what the ears aren't doing.  Here's hoping she'll be soon rid of her specs, but time will tell.  Her balance is significantly better after one adjustment, we have noticed.

If your kids are struggling, may I suggest you keep searching for answers, praying for answers and not giving up.  Look to all the non-mainstream venues of healing, get off the beaten path because it's worth it!