I'm having a bit (or a lot!) of trouble figuring out how to piece this all together, but it does go together. As you well know, my life runs on guilt. I spend most of my days feeling guilty about something. I did learn the difference between real guilt and false guilt, and I would say that 95%+ of mine is false. I've tried my whole life to be "good enough" in the eyes of others (mostly people whose approval I seek- family and close friends, particularly elders). I listen to their complaints, opinions, judgements and advice, and want to please them (and avoid their disapproval, which they freely offer). But, no matter how much I do, there's always more on the lists. I could eat better, school my kids better, have less struggles if I'd only do what they say. I do see now that likely they are getting a dopamine hit every time they offer suggestions/solutions, and the advice makes them feel better, with no regards to what the receiver is doing with the information. (How often do they go home and prayerfully seek an answer or measure advice before spouting it out?) They likely don't know that I have a bulging file in my brain of all the things I "should" and "shouldn't" do from a lifetime of listening to them. Although I know with my head that I don't need to listen nor seek their approval, my heart still wants to. It's a constant battle. I don't want to be gossiped about (it'd be a lofty idea to think that I'm not!) nor do I want to be blamed if bad things happen in my life (as is a common coping mechanism "if so-and-so would have....; this wouldn't have happened") I live in constant fear of being blamed if bad things should happen to my immediate family by other people's judgements, not reality. Particularly elders who have nothing to do but speculate on why other people are doing (or not doing) what they are doing. The outside birds-eye view perspective is supposed to hold some value, which it really doesn't.
Here's a good definition of true vs false guilt. I don't have source on it, it was shared with me~
"True guilt is the negative feeling we have when we harm others. False guilt, on the other hand, is a negative feeling triggered by not living up to standards that are no longer realistic or because of things outside our control.
Feeling guilty over someone's disapproval or not living up to their expectations is false guilt.
True guilt comes when you are responsible for the action or event that occurred. False or inappropriate guilt comes when you feel responsible for a particular event, when in reality you had no power or control over the outcome."
This quote below sums up what most of us want when we're struggling. We just want to be heard, to know we aren't alone. We don't want to be told how we can do better, because that just leads us to shame for being human. The thoughts in my head basically say, "If I did better, I wouldn't be struggling, so I guess I'm the problem here." (not that the problem is the problem) Whenever we focus on the person instead of the problem itself, the person receiving it feels shame. Separating the person from the behavior/struggle is essential here too. We all fail, make bad choices, didn't see the best options, or just plain things didn't turn out as well as we hoped. This doesn't make us the bad guy. It just means we live in a fallen world. Someone who is firm about a decision (for their own reasons) doesn't become "stubborn" or "rebellious" just because their list of reasons doesn't make sense to us. This is what defining someone means later on when I get to the controlling people portion. Calling someone stupid because one thing they said was stupid is the same sort of thing. Our behavior is not our character. We likely are just a good person (redeemed by Christ) having a hard time for the day, the week or even a longer season. It takes a lot of badness for it to actually define our character as such. A good way to approach a confusing situation is to ask yourself, "what is my most generous interpretation of their words/behavior?" Whenever I've done this, my answer has always been "I don't know". I don't have to go to worst case scenario or flaws in their character. I just plain don't know because I haven't asked them and I can't read their mind. This alone takes plenty of judgement out of relationships and interactions. And the responsibility for "fixing" them.
Here's just one simple example in the day of the life of me. I took a child to the dentist last week and had anxiety on the way. I knew my child had cavities, and I was getting them taken care of. But, I also knew that I would be given a lecture on more brushing, more flossing, less sugar and more diligence on my part, because I've been to the dentist enough times before. There's no heed paid to the efforts I do take to promote healthy teeth for my kids, the only concern is that if they have cavities, I need to be doing more. Doesn't matter that my Mom just died, or that life may be upside down in a myriad of possible ways, I just "should" be doing more. Doesn't matter if there's underlying reasons for the cavities (tongue ties, gluten intolerance, reflux, etc) either. And sadly, for some of those of us who don't like getting shamed, it works. We do more, and more, and more. Shaming does work much of the time, until it doesn't. Until we have find addictions to ease the internal pain, or at the far end of the coping spectrum- suicide.
The next connection today is about controlling others. Part of the advice giving and solutions is to try to control outcomes. We don't like to see people struggle and we want them to be better and life to be swell. But that's out of our control. God's got this! Would we want to take away from someone's spiritual growth because we meddled? Would we take away valuable life lessons for someone because we thought we knew better than they did or God did by offering our pathetic solutions? Do we think ourselves so high and mighty that we know best? Or are we just trying to control the uncontrollable to make ourselves feel safe and secure? It could be all of these or none of these. I recently read a book called Controlling People that had lots of good stuff to offer. It was hard to read in that if anyone is self-aware, they will honestly ask themselves if they are the controller or the controlled. As we all should. None of us gets off with none of the tendencies. Here's my summary below, although there was a lot more in it. Also, we learn there are many more ways of controlling others than I knew existed.
If you think you don't control others, these two articles are excellent. We all do it to get what we want! Especially us moms raising kids. Here and here.
These most controlling tendencies come from people who don't have a stable sense of self, and who try to control others externally because their internal self is very fragile or unstable. They need to use externals to feel safe and secure. If they can control others, then they themselves feel more secure. Except that this doesn't ever work or last too long because a boat on the water will always have waves to deal with. How do we end up with an unstable identity? Mostly from adults when we were young telling us who we were (defining us) and how we felt and what we thought; and it didn't line up with who we thought we were on the inside. Examples of this are a child falls down and the parent says, "get up, you aren't hurt". The child knows that they are hurt but the parent (or trusted figure) is telling them they are not. Another would be a child wanting vanilla ice cream at an ice cream shop. The parent says, "why don't you try rocky road, strawberry, or Neapolitan? Vanilla is so boring." The child knows that the parent disapproves of their child choosing such a boring flavor and starts to feel shame over this. Or a child is fearful in a new place, and the parent tells them, "there's nothing to be afraid of" and dismisses their fears instead of comforting them in them. If this happens often enough, the child can't tell anymore what are their own thoughts, ideas and feelings; and what has been told them by someone else. They can't tell themselves apart from the people who tell them who they are or aren't, or this or that. (This also becomes their ego when they become an adult).
As adults this moves into people making firm judgements about other people, diagnosing other people, assuming motives or intentions, and of course, using shame to get people to "do better". This absolutely crushes our identity of who we are on the inside. The people who do this often have a pretend life running in their brain that says how life should be, and they use these narratives to make it align. They perceive you how they want you to be, not how you actually are. Long and short is, when someone else makes up your "reality" for you, they are trying to control you even if they don't realize it. It is often very subtle and unconscious on their behalf. If someone claims [pretends] to know your thoughts or intentions, you know they are in an illusion. How can anyone read someone else's mind? Here's some ways to know if someone is controlling others through illusions~
- they define other groups or people (they know the truth!) often black/white, right/wrong
- only their definition is true (others don't know as well as they do!)
- they know what other people think, feel, are trying to do, means, should do, should be, wants, needs, intends, did, expects
- they are right, their behavior is normal (not odd), they are independent and self-reliant, they "know" God's will better than other people do
On the receiving end of these kind of controlling beliefs, people are told that~
- it is perfectly reasonable for one person to define another
- we are stuck with this definition whether true or untrue
- we do not have the right to our own opinions
- we can earn love and acceptance by abdicating to the person with the controlling beliefs/judgements
- we become "successful" when we fulfill another person's vision of us, even when it in no way supports our own
- we must seek permission to act in our own story
Controllers often feel threatened if the other person shows individuality. This can be through opinions, new ideas, requests, questions, expressions, beliefs, misgivings or apprehension. If the other person shows separateness in any of these ways, this is threatening. In a healthy relationship, separateness that shows uniqueness is appreciated and valued. Any realities that don't conform to the controller's belief system threaten it. Because they are alienated from a firm inner sense of self, it's their beliefs that hold them together. They need external reassurance that they are who they believe themselves to be. This is why they need to dismiss or correct anyone who has opposing views than they do. Extreme cases show people giving up their integrity and resorting to deception to maintain their internal image of themselves and can almost become "life or death" to them. The need to be right and the need to look good to others trumps all else. Paradoxically, controlling people often see themselves as self-reliant but they rely solely on others to maintain their belief systems and uphold their fragile identity. They often carry a banner of rugged independence while attempting to dismantle other people's individuality at the same time.
At the same time, there are many cultural prescriptions needed to maintain the illusion that someone's life is under control. These could be in the form of dress or living in a certain kind of house. Or you need x,y,z to be happy or successful. These expectations are not only put upon themselves but voiced to others on a regular basis as well. Fear is closely linked in here, because as you can likely guess, when there's this many balls to juggle, one of them is bound to drop at any given moment. Life is a house of cards. There's a fear of being found out to be a fraud, a fear of not living up to their own list, a fear that other people won't maintain their illusion and then the control bands bind tighter. And most of all, a fear of their own life experience with all it's feelings, intuitions and sensations which they've been taught to push down deep inside them for decades. What would happen if those came pouring out?! If their feelings do come out by any slip of the guard, they quickly blame them on someone else. Anger, anxiety and emotional pain do not (in their minds) have anything to do with their disconnection or unreasonable expectations. To admit they are wrong about anything would shatter their image they have created of themselves and their world. "If I admit I'm wrong in any way, then my whole being is wrong".
As explained, controlling people create an illusion of life, and create "pretend" people out of the people in their life. These pretend people act as characters in their made up story. The controllers want everyone to be of "one mind" with them, and will go to great lengths to ensure this. One of these ways is to bond together against change itself. They will go to great lengths to keep a tight grip on status quo, to keep things just as they are. In a family unit this could mean discouraging the marriage of adult children or certain belief systems, or in a job setting this could be maintaining conformity over creativity. Keeping a tight grip on status quo is much harder these days with the access everyone has to more information and the internet, and we can see how this is dismantling many false narratives in all of our lives (for the better).
On the receiving end of this, being "controlled" is just as damaging. People are told what they can and can't think and do, usually very subtly and unconsciously on the part of the controller. They have to just slightly diminish any other thoughts or ideas, opinions or feelings of the receiver to maintain the perceived status quo in their heads. If they can succeed in "defining" the other person, they can maintain the illusion. If the receivers lose their own self-awareness, they also lose freedom of choice. If they base their choices on what they've been told rather than their own experiences, they gradually lose their own identity and start to believe the confabulations that they hear. "I guess I'm too sensitive. What's wrong with me?" (insert shame now whenever we're defined)
The way to heal this is to face our fears (if we are the controller). This means connecting to our inner experience with all it's good and bad feelings and sensations. It's to get to know ourselves again. As we connect to ourselves, we also will begin to truly connect with others. One really good way to do this is to start journaling. Start writing your thoughts, ideas and beliefs down, without anyone else analyzing it. What do I really think? Feel? Believe? We have to start tossing out the ego (the list of things people told us we are or should be) and the expectations we've created about how life "should" be. This is a ton of work, but the freedom that comes with it is worth it. Life won't be so scary when we live in reality rather than an illusion. Our fears will be manageable.
Look for ways that we are all unified in the human experience of life. Start appreciating other points of view rather than dismissing them or pointing out the failings of them. Realize that God made each and every one of us unique and beautiful. Realize that our world is not a mechanical set of rules and rituals, but an interconnected group of vibrational energy flowing in and out of all living beings (quantum physics) from one of us to another. It's so much bigger than our meager attempts to control what we can see around us. Realize that we are separate beings from everyone else, but also connected to everyone and everything else.
How can we bring this to light if we are on the receiving end of the controlling? The easiest is to just say, "what?" after a judgment or defining statement has been made. This asks for further explanation that words aren't just taken at face value, asks for clarity of something that doesn't make sense, brings attention to what was just said in that they know you didn't just buy it, and often if questioned the receiver will find that the controller doesn't even know what they meant by what they said. Or a pat answer is given that really doesn't say anything at all. Saying "what?" a few times may be necessary to start with. Just dig deeper if things don't add up on the surface, but realize you are both on the same team trying to deeper understand each other, not pitted against each other to "win". You're on the same side!
Other strategies to break these habits are~
- Recognize the reality of your inner truth (not what someone has told you, this takes much time!)
- Be aware of boundary invasions, yours or anyone else's (this is hard to recognize if you are still codependent)
- Do not respond to nonsense as if it made sense
- Build your life on truth (not perceived truth)
- Protect your children (call out "that person is just pretending" if you can see that they are)
- Speak up to break the spells of illusion
- If someone defines someone else, say "what?" "what did you say?" "nonsense" "I heard that". Let them know you don't buy it.
Ego falls in here (I wrote about this in depth last time), because this is the voice we hear most often, which isn't truth, but is words we've heard somewhere from someone else throughout our life. Ego can sound like our own voice, as it's so familiar, but can lead us pretty far astray. Here's a list to tell if it's the ego talking or our still, small voice talking.
Still small voice~
- short, firm statements
- unemotional, factual
- one message at a time
- leads to commitment
- promotes original solutions
- tells it like it is
- actions relieve stress
- change directions as needed
Ego~
- wordy, pros and cons, reasons why
- anxious, emotional, conflicted
- many insistent opinions all at once
- sets up contradictory goals
- fears rejection and ridicule
- tells it like it should be
- actions increase stress
- is rigidly consistent, resists change
All of this summed up together has to do with our identity. All of these things mess with who we are, who we think we are, and who we think others are. Shame damages it, ego damages it, controlling others damages it, and we often need to realign it. The Christian church at large has damaged it with all of these things as well, and doctrinal truths and falsehoods have always been around to mess with our minds. God clearly states who we are, and it's possible to get back to that (and highly recommended!) Below I will add a few prayers out of the book Living Fearless by Jamie Winship who is devoted to helping people rediscover their true identity in Christ.
"God, help me to pay attention to who You say that I am. Help me to stop believing lies and accusations as you exchange them for Your truth. Help me to be aware of what You're doing in my life. Help me to hear from You, the true Lord God. Then Lord, would You help me develop action steps in the direction that You have for me?"
"Lord, help us to know the truth of what we believe about ourselves. In the name of Jesus, I ask You again to clear our minds of other voices. We want to hear only You, Lord, just the voice of the true Lord Jesus, a voice that doesn't condemn nor accuse, but speaks only the truth in love. Would You search us now with Your Spirit? Would You search us and know us? Lord, would You tell us the false names and the false identities that we believe about ourselves? Bring them to our mind. Lord, search us all the way. Every secret place, every closed place in our hearts, shine Your light in there and show us any false thing, false beliefs or identities that we may believe to be true."
"Father, sanctify our imagination right now, this great gift you've given us, in order to picture all the things our imagination is for in the future- new ideas, new inventions, new creations. Guide us in our imaginations right now in Your presence."
When the enemy accuses us or shames us, "God I reject that in the name of Jesus. Who do You say that I am? I receive who You say that I am before the heavenly realms. I receive Your words of life to me."
2 Corinthians 10:4-5 (For the weapons of our warfare are not carnal, but mighty through God to the pulling down of strong holds;) Casting down imaginations, and every high thing that exalteth itself against the knowledge of God, and bringing into captivity every thought to the obedience of Christ;
Open My Eyes
1 Open my eyes that I may see
glimpses of truth thou hast for me.
Place in my hands the wonderful key
that shall unclasp and set me free.
Silently now I wait for thee,
ready, my God, thy will to see.
Open my eyes, illumine me,
Spirit divine!
2 Open my ears that I may hear
voices of truth thou sendest clear,
and while the wave notes fall on my ear,
ev’rything false will disappear.
Silently now I wait for thee,
ready, my God, thy will to see.
Open my ears, illumine me,
Spirit divine!
3 Open my mouth and let me bear
gladly the warm truth ev’rywhere.
Open my heart and let me prepare
love with thy children thus to share.
Silently now I wait for thee,
ready, my God, thy will to see.
Open my mouth, illumine me,
Spirit divine!
~Clara Scott (1895)
