A healthy dose of anger

This post is a bit different than the rest.  It still focuses on my healing path, but comes as an epiphany of something I've been holding in for 3 decades but didn't know it existed.  A healthy release has been so refreshing.

To start with, I've been working on opening up my heart to love of life and people.  I've spent the last year praying and meditating on it, working through any areas that seem to be closed up as I become aware of them and being open to change and vulnerability.  It's not easy work, but it is worth being free again.  I'm tired of being locked down, clamped down, living within my own emotional walls of fear and protection that have formed over the years.  Brene Brown says in her article about the midlife unraveling, "it seems as if we spend the first half of our lives shutting down feelings to stop the hurt and the second half trying to open everything back up to heal the hurt."

It started with #1) listening to this episode of The Connected Life podcast while driving my kids out to strawberry picking each morning.  I randomly started listening to this couple and felt that Abi (the wife) hit the nail on the head right at the 11 minute mark about her anger with "the church".  (as an institution, not the people as clarified later in the podcast).  I was driving by myself and when she said that the Christians "they eat their own", I both laughed and cried out loud in the car.  She goes on to say that we all want to belong, but that belonging to Christians is the hardest group to belong to, because they have the power (on behalf of God) to oust you at any given moment, and that to a child is really scary.  She says they, "turn on each other, they judge each other, they are cruel towards each other, they act like they know everything about what everyone else should or shouldn't be doing".  That the adults/leaders get to decide who is good and who is bad, what is good and what is bad and you just have to go along with that.  That podcast really resonated with me, but I didn't really know why yet.  That came a week or so later. 

But if ye bite and devour one another, take heed that ye not be consumed one by another. (Gal 5:15) 

Step #2 was a conversation I had about the pro-life movement.  I was talking with someone about different stories of unwed pregnancy and realized as I was telling a story from my own life that I apparently still had a lot of anger surrounding it.  When I was about 19-20, there was a young lady in our church who got pregnant.  She was older than me, but since I had no experience in the love and marriage area, I didn't really realize the implications or ramifications this had.  What I mean by this is, although I knew how babies were made; I didn't know how much of "falling in love" was where you just fell into it with no control over how this happened, or how much passion had to do with our ability to make choices (how hard or easy was it to avoid temptation?  I had no idea!)  I had never been in love or had anyone in love with me let alone had 2 people in love with each other! 

So, when I heard the adults talking about this situation, I didn't really understand it but what I did understand was the pain that must have been involved with it all.  And also what I observed (even more so) was the material it provided for gossip, slander, self-righteousness & judgement along with a whole lot of two-faced-ness.  As someone unmarried it stirred up a ton of fear in me that this situation may somehow happen to me, because I was (a) unmarried (b) female (c) also may "fall in love" with someone who I'm not married to [yet/decide not to] someday.  I knew I would also receive this same judgment on my head if I somehow (I didn't really know how) fell into this situation.  I also observed very little love or compassion, grace or mercy as observing this all playing out.  (It wasn't everyone doing this, but it was the most common loudest response).  And I was appalled.  But, when I questioned the disconnect, I was shut down as if they had a righteous authority to do these things because they were the adults (on behalf of God, of course!)

What I learned from this situation that I'm only comprehending now is that the preaching from the pulpit on forgiveness, love, grace and mercy were only lip service, we don't actually do those things when people sin or fall short, we just talk about them.  I should clarify that this behavior I am explaining below was never preached nor condoned in our congregation, it was all on the sidelines in casual conversation.  I know in some churches it was, but in mine it was not.  The preaching I heard aligned with what the preachers themselves lived out in example.

The observations I made were this:  We (as Christians) have full reign to use other people's vulnerabilities to make judgments about their character, assumptions about their walk of faith (or lack thereof) and their heinous sin from our own moral high horse. Blech. Things like mental illness or breakdowns, addictions, sufferings of any sort that we deem to be someone's own fault are all fodder for the flesh to gloat in. [fodder: cheap, inferior or readily available material used to supply a heavy demand]  They all give us leverage to determine someone's ability to belong to "the church".  And we all want to belong.  So we strive and then we strive some more.  We either learn to hide our sin (how many other people had unmarried sex that didn't end up in pregnancy and thus avoided the ostracization that I witnessed here?) or lie about our sin or kill ourselves off trying to stay ahead of expectations and the reproaches that follow?  Why do Christians feel the need to use reproach as their main weapon of control when Jesus clearly again and again teaches that love is the way to win people and change behavior?  And that the goodness of God leads us to repentance? (Romans 2:4) And that His main emotion was "He had compassion on them..."  “For he knoweth our frame; he remembereth that we are dust.” (Psalm 103:14)  

The other thing I learned as a child/young adult was that although we had to blanket forgive the adult's behaviors and weaknesses, they had the authority to not forgive ours as the children.  They could use our past sins, failures and weaknesses against us whenever they chose. For. The. Rest. Of. Our. Lives.  Forgiveness was conditional.  Nothing was ever washed away as long as a situation arose where it could be used later for leverage for better behavior.   "The gospel" was only used when we wanted to use it, it wasn't for everyone or every situation.  We could hold people's sins against them for as long as we wanted to, there was no obligation to forgive or heal things we didn't feel like addressing.  We could choose victim mentality as much as we liked, and although we demanded better behavior out of our kids and other people, we didn't expect it of ourselves.  This hypocrisy was crippling for me.  I observed that adults also were allowed to decide how "contrite" or "repentant" or "humble" someone else was and use that as leverage to forgive or not.  As if we have that authority or ability!!

For as much as "the gospel" was taught (and even hammered in an "exacting manner"), it wasn't actually applied.  [I put "the gospel" in quotations because that's what it was called, but the definition is rather murky.  I will be addressing that in my next post] That too was only a theory for the most part.  We didn't need to ask forgiveness of our children if we behaved badly (they were just automatically supposed to endlessly forgive us), we didn't need to forgive anyone we got in an argument with if we lost our cool or said things hurtful (it was called "standing up for truth"), we didn't need to apologize for reproaching someone even if it was none of our business to get involved in the situation in the first place, and many more examples like this where we didn't act in ways that were kind, gracious nor loving to our fellow believers.  Often times reproach was called love, when in fact it wasn't love at all, only fear and a need to control others & outcomes.  I am still often confused as to what love truly is, because there were so many things that I was told was love, but the behaviors didn't feel the least bit loving to me.  It felt fearful and manipulative at best.

So, for all these things, I am angry.  I'm angry at how this young lady was treated, along with all the other ones throughout time who were treated poorly in the name of "we need everyone to know how sinful this is".  I'm angry that I didn't know better how to call out the crap going on back then because I was too stymied by it myself.  Just like a small child stands by and watches another child get bullied (and doesn't go tell an adult for fear of getting bullied themselves), I stood by quivering lest I be the next head on the chopping block for one of my sins or failures to perform to the unwritten yet ever changing list of expectations required to belong to "the church".  And then we wonder why people leave the faith, leave the church and leave their families.  This is one big reason why.

This FB post below was step #3 on the path to being angry.  This is Billy Graham's grandson who has also been stymied by the church's list of ways to belong.  This isn't just my church or yours, it's pretty much pandemic in North America, and Europe as well.  To me the first step to healing this is to not use other people's vulnerabilities against them in gossip & slander.  To have compassion on ourselves so that we can then share it with others because it's free to give, it's not a limited resource only reserved for those subjectively deemed worthy.  To hear their story of struggle and believe it.  To validate their pain and acknowledge our own.  To work through our own anger to then come to a place of forgiveness and healing.  To apologize if we've hurt people and not get defensive (we do this because our own voices have been silenced in the past, so we just follow the same trajectory).  And then to be a trusted source of love, hope and healing to those around us, not just one more place of judgement and reproach.  

I'll be addressing some of these things in a part 2, as now that my anger has dissipated a bit I feel like they need to be worked through in more depth.

by Tullian Tchividjian 

We’ve been told that in order to be an effective witness for Jesus, we need to be good, clean, and nice. We assume that the less sin we have—or the more sin we hide—the more attractive Jesus will be to others. We conclude that bad behavior makes Jesus look bad, that weakness makes Jesus look weak.

But it’s actually the exact opposite.

As someone once said, “We glorify a water fountain by coming thirsty and drinking deeply.” This means that it’s when we are real—when we confess our sins, demonstrate our desperation, acknowledge our neediness, tell the truth about our fears and insecurities and struggles and secrets—THAT is when we bear witness to the world about a Savior who came, not for the righteous, but for sinners. When we admit that we are selfish and arrogant and controlling and self-righteous and faithless and unforgiving—THAT is when we showcase a Savior who graciously rescues bad and weak people who fail because bad and weak people who fail are all that there are. The world doesn’t need to see our competence—it needs to hear our confession.

What I need, what you need, and what the whole world needs is a Savior who saves the faithless—One who rescues the godless, the spineless, the strengthless, the loveless, and the careless.

We all need a “friend of sinners” kind of Savior—One who obstinately pursues runners, rebels, and ragamuffins with non-blinking love, amazing grace, and outrageous mercy.

Rethinking parenting

So, it's almost been 20 years since I became a parent, and you'd think I have some things down pat by now.  Which I do.  But, there's plenty I don't.  I've made several changes over these last few years as I've learned about "emotional maturity", and as I've done so it's required me to apologize to my kids and then repent of ways that in my ignorance I've caused harm and/or neglect to their developing selves.  I've had a few instances where this played out in the past couple weeks, and I just want to share them.  The old way I would have handled something vs. the new way.

 

#1.  We were at the dentist the other day, a place we all love.  One of my kids was waiting for his checkup fearing if he had some cavities, and we ended up waiting longer than usual. (more than 1/2 hour)  He says to me, "I'm feeling really restless having to wait this long".  I agreed with him that I dislike waiting in dentist or doctor's offices as well and suggested he do a few jumping jacks to relieve his restlessness.   This worked and all was well.     (validate feelings, help him understand it in his body)

In the old days with my older kids, they wouldn't have known what restless even meant because I didn't teach them to name their emotions.  They would have started pestering their siblings the longer the wait was, and possibly fighting, but still never being able to put a name to it so I could know what was going on inside their bodies.  Then I would have reprimanded them for being "naughty" and told them to smarten up and act like mini adults (I wouldn't have said that but expected that!) when I myself would have been feeling restless as well. Then I would have been constantly scanning the waiting room wondering if my kids were being a nuisance to the other people, and taken it personally if they were.  The new method alleviated it all, while not changing our circumstances at all.

 

A lot of this requires separating the behavior from the character.  We all have bad days, rough seasons and "naughtiness", but this doesn't make us a bad person.  We have a sin nature, but we've also been created in the image of God and are His child, with Jesus occupying our hearts and washing away our sins, faults and shortcomings in His grace on a continual basis.  For me it's so ingrained to think bad behavior=bad kid, but that's simply not true.  And helping our kids see this is crucial in their view of themselves for the rest of their lives.

 

#2.  Last week two of my older kids were fighting as we were headed out the door and already late.  I lost it and yelled at both and pulled them apart and degraded them.  Yup.  And then when we were all in the car and headed down the road, I knew I should apologize but I couldn't.  It took me at least 5 miles of driving with a battle in my head of "I'm sorry I freaked out, but you guys were acting ridiculous and should know better" or "I'm sorry I lost it but you guys made me" or "I'm sorry I yelled but if you had done what you were supposed to be doing I wouldn't have lost my temper".  All the "buts" and "you should haves" (blame/shame).  

The truth was I lost it because I lost it.  I yelled because I let myself let them "have it" because it felt good in the moment to release some frustration.  I degraded them because my angst was already great and I wanted them to feel as bad as I was feeling already.  The long and short was my reaction (or lack thereof) was all on me.  So, I finally swallowed my pride and said, "I'm sorry I freaked out on you and acted so immaturely.  That was wrong of me, and it wasn't your fault."  These type of apologies are really, really hard for me to do.  (Owning all of my behavior with no excuses).

 

This page below out of a book I'm reading was helpful. (Raising Emotionally Mature Boys, yes, I know it's a bit late for this!)

 

I've heard many apologies over the years that I don't really think are apologies either.  I still believe God forgives through them, they just are frosted thick with blame and shame so don't really help repair any brokenness.  I'm sure you've heard your share as well.  And so have our kids, from us, unfortunately.   

 

Here's a few that come to mind~

"I'm sorry you didn't like what I said"

"I'm sorry if I *might* have offended you" (no admittance to doing anything wrong, far too vague)

"I'm sorry for any hurt feelings" (still no admitting of any wrong doing) 

"I'm sorry for acting out, but you were doing ..... that provoked me" (blaming, not owning)

"Don't make me lose it" (it is frightening for a child to think they have that much power and that their parent is not in control)

One of my friends has said that her mom was convicted 20-30+ years later of the anger she had had when her kids were small.  She called each one of the 12 of them, and apologized and owned it all.  She didn't blame it on stress, or her naughty kids; instead she owned that what she had done was wrong.  This daughter felt heard/recognized instead of believing she was {part of} her mom's anger all those years.  Another friend said a family member lived in fear her whole childhood because her mom would say, "don't make me mad or I might have a heart attack".  The kids lived in fear they might kill their mother at any misdeed, even if accidental.  Poor kids!

 

  

 

#3.  This last one that comes to mind today is a doozy.  It goes back almost those 20 years.  It means apologizing for how we parented and caused habits that now need to be undone, if they even can be.  Back when our oldest was a toddler, everyone we knew was training their children with the To Train Up a Child books.  Everyone in all the circles we knew.  In AZ and WA.  And they seemed Biblical.  The main component of these methods and books was to have compliance from the child at all levels and in all places.  There was no room for error as a parent, or room for a 'lazy day' or your child would be back to square one with the discipline.  This caused me to be very diligent at "winning" any power struggles with my then toddler.  We had significant holdouts where I was determined to win the battle of wills at any cost, this would cement me as the authority that my child must obey.  Sadly, it's not that simple.  I discarded this parenting style pretty quickly, but not without long term damage.  My oldest child learned that his opinion didn't matter, especially in areas where anger was involved (the greatest sin).  [Note the lack of grace for both parents and children]

 

Since then, I have learned that often anger is a sense of injustice, whether real or perceived.  Our toddlers have an idea of how they want things, and often turn up angry when that cannot be fulfilled.  My new kind of parenting did listen better and brought them close to me when things got heated instead of using love/connection as leverage to get compliance, but I had shut this child down far too many times already.  He's now an adult and has little idea how to handle inner anger or senses of injustice.  

 

The child doesn't feel worthy of having feelings because I didn't know how to teach these things back then, because my own feelings were completely shut down inside of me.  He has no emotional vocabulary because I didn't teach him that.  Although I changed my parenting as soon as I could (it just felt wrong to my heart to do this), some damage was done.  I realize this is multifaceted and I'm not only to blame, but I also knew I needed to repent of this damage I recognize I caused due to my ignorance back then.  Know better, do better and apologize for whatever you know was wrong, even if it was almost 20 years ago.  I also repented of letting him "cry it out" to try to get him to sleep through the night.  I also listened to other people and not my own gut instincts and heart on that one.  My other 5 kids never had to endure that misery.

 

 

These people in the paragraphs above also wrote marriage books which I also renounce. (Created to be His Helpmeet).  My friend is helping me see the damage of these books as well. I don't feel they affected our own marriage much since we were pretty well established in our marriage by the time they were written, but I can see how they cause a lot of shame, blame and guilt; and it's all on the wife.  The husband loves these books because his wife is constantly picking up the slack and the pieces (acting like a doormat), and the consequences from his choices made to which she has to adapt.  And taking the shame for having any of her own ideas, preferences or limitations.  It's a mess.  Marriage isn't considered a level playing field of a team where each work together in their God-given roles.  I'm sorry if I recommended these books to any of you, because I didn't see the damage of them back then, I thought they were pretty neutral and I'm sorry.  This could be a big reason that 80% of autoimmune diseases are in women. 

 

#4. Letting them and encouraging them to cry.  This one is a toughie for me because I always thought my job as a mom was to stop the crying.  And if they were crying, I was a bad mom.  Yes, I took it personally.  But crying is wonderful.  The more we respond to our kids when they cry, the less they will feel the need to cry.  We all need to cry.  It teaches them that it's ok to hurt when things are hurtful. There are so many benefits, but mainly I would say that we teach them that vulnerability is a strength, not a weakness.  And if our kids feel free coming to us with their tears, we must guard this vulnerability like a vault and never use it against them.  That is a rapid fire way to lose their trust.  When I started embracing crying instead of shutting it down, one of our kids cried for 2 hours, 3 days in a row. (I had given some Ignatia homeopathic remedy for grief).  I feel like a lifetime of tears came out and it hasn't happened again in such fervor.  Another child cried repeatedly over a hard situation and the same happened.  Both transformed our relationship between parent and child.  But, I had to just let them cry and not take on their pain myself (enmeshment, codependency where we can't tell what's ours and what is someone else's) but just comfort them or give them space, whatever they needed. 

 

 

This last one is key to relationship.  I love the meme below.  We could all work on our tone when we're annoyed, frustrated or angry ourselves.  And sometimes we need action and a friendly tone just doesn't work so well.  But, we also need to be able to say, "I need a break and we'll deal with this when we've both had a few minutes to think clearly" or any such words that bring the tone/angst back down.  Emotional reactions rarely end well.  We know this in our kids, and we know this in ourselves yet we succumb often enough, it seems.  Choose responding (taking time to think things through) over reacting (impulsively blurting out what you'll later regret and have to apologize for).

Resources~

• John Delony books 

• Dr Becky Kennedy at Good Inside (she's also been on Andrew Huberman and Lewis Howes podcasts and more)

• Calm Parenting Podcast with Kirk Martin (I haven't listened to a lot of these, but the ones I have have been good)

  

 

“Grace is one-way love. Grace is a gift with no strings attached. It is non-contingent, a compassionate alliance, unmerited favor, sacrificial love that seeks a person out at their most unlovable.” 

~David Zahl in The Big Relief

ego

Earlier this spring I was reading a devotional book, and one of the prayers was about asking for God's abundance (Eph 3:20), and I realized that I've never believed that I deserved God's abundance, only other people did.  I started to ponder how often a scarcity mindset seems to run the show, and that often it does so in an attempt to stay "humble" and not get "prideful". (I put them in quotations as these are beliefs and not actually true.  We can be both at any given time. Remember the "two things are true" idea?!)  But, after a few months of pondering, I came across a book that went into depth about the ego, and realized this is what was driving the train in many aspects of my life, and likely yours too.  So, here is some thoughts in a nutshell.  There's lots of varying ideas about it, and it can get kind of woo-woo really quick, so I'll just keep it to basic beliefs and actions based on those beliefs.  Being honest with ourselves is pretty hard on this one too!!

Ego is the fearful, small-minded part that sees life as limited, scarce, competitive and hard to handle.  It sounds like our own thoughts because it's internal.  It sounds like a "voice of reason", good sense or self-preservation; but instead it is just us reliving our childhood fears and all those comments about us acting "too big for our britches".  The thoughts in our minds now as an adult are remnants from words said to us when we were young and foolish, and are still ringing in our ears now that we are older and fully capable.  This is our ego talking to us.

One thing that may be hard to tell is the difference between our ego and our conscience.  They both seem morally righteous; but the difference is that our conscience leads us to healing, truth and steers us right, whereas the ego is all about fear of rejection.  The ego kills our motivations and direction, while the conscience gives helpful guidance, promotes apologies and encourages the relationships.  Conscience always adds, ego subtracts and robs us of energy.  

Ego is defensive and suspicious, highly emotionally reactive and has an opinion about everything.  Much energy is spent on reactions and fears.  It can be very hard to see the difference from our true self when we've spent most of our lives building up our ego to create an identity.  Now it's time to tear it back down, and reject some of these tightly held lifelong ideas.  To study the actual evidence now vs. what we've been told about ourselves and still believe.

The Ego's "advice" for success: 

1. Chase your tail- this produces nothing but suffering, encourages indecisiveness, worrying about what you did or didn't do, and subtracts from your ability to cope with a situation.
2. Use a cannon to kill a fly- anything worth doing must be done perfectly, putting pointless effort into meaningless things.
3. Put it off- makes even simple tasks seem overwhelming and draining, procrastination is the only way to avoid the endless demands.
4. Figure out who is to blame- "they did it" is the ego's mantra, it sucks you of your own strength because you're always busy blaming someone else. (even God gets blamed regularly)
5. Trust no one- better watch your back, cynicism and suspiciousness are the way to go.  See everyone as the enemy.
6. Suspicion will make you secure- the more you suspect trouble, the more secure you'll be.  If you are always looking for the ways that things could go wrong, you'll truly feel safe.  Don't take anything at face value, life is a lot trickier than you think.  Always fretting will drain and distract you from anything valuable.
7. Think scarcity- as the ego sees it, there's not enough to go around.  Another person's gain is your loss.  Other people will always "get there first" or "use up" the limited amount of success in this world, instead of being inspired or encouraged by those who are successful.
   
8. Survival of the fittest- you believe competition should be cutthroat.  Helpful collaboration is only for weaklings.  You should be able to do everything on  your own.  Independence is revered.
9. Believe you're the best there ever was- your ego assures you that you're the best there ever was.  You're the greatest, the best and once you get going everyone will see that.  Such an inflated ego will ensure you never get going because you truly suspect that you can never live up to those expectations.
10. Anything worth doing should be easy- nothing in life should demand too much sustained effort or be very hard.  If a goal is that hard, and causes anxiety then you weren't supposed to do it.  Success is only a lofty goal, not something that can actually be obtained.
11. Wallow in buyer's remorse- even if you're thrilled at first, the ego will make you suffer regret over your decisions.  You'll wonder if you could have gotten a better interest rate, or you'll notice noises on your new car.  Buyer's remorse only happens when you can't go back.  The point here is maximum regret when you can do nothing about it.  That's ego's destructive satisfaction.
12. Guilt is the highest moral state- the ego assures you of your goodness only if you keep feeling guilty about nothing in particular.  It tells you that guilt, sacrifice and suffering are your ticket to moral superiority.
13. Too good to be true- the ego's last resort, when you are finally getting free and succeeding, is to make you suspicious of the very things you should be grabbing with both hands.
14. Psychic permission- this is a phony ego superpower that allows people to look into the future and know that their efforts towards their dreams will have a bad outcome.  It predicts that your worst fears will come true.  It is the only time many of us are willing to admit and stand behind our psychic powers.
15. Push yourself the extra inch- in an extremely subtle maneuver that can mean the difference between giving up and success, the ego suggests we push ourselves a little further than we really want to go at the moment.  Then we will want to give up.  To test this out, do something you really enjoy a little harder and a little longer than you really want to.  This will mysteriously kill your enthusiasm after a few days and ironically you'll chalk it up to a lack of willpower and not the undermining ego.
16. Punish yourself- every time you make a mistake, the ego tells you to slam yourself hard.  It's not about making a simple error, it's about being inferior.  It somehow convinces you that your fundamental lack of self-worth will give you the incentive to succeed.  That you can hate yourself into success.  Of course this makes no sense, but in moments of weakness we may think it does.

[source...Who You Were Meant to Be]

There are many ways to make changes from this, which I won't delve into, but being aware is step number 1.  Exposing it and calling it out for what it is in our brains, just like with shame.  Don't be victim to it anymore but acknowledge it's sneakiness.  You have to learn to separate your own ideas from the pessimistic hand-me-down ideas from others.  Ego offers plausible alternatives and cautions against embarrassing mistakes, but instead it robs you of your energy and wastes time on meaningless things.  Do not let yourself be absorbed by someone else's rules, restrictions and judgements.  Each time you call out the ego, it loses power and your own strength increases.  All in all, it's just a spoilsport trying to dismantle your happiness. 

Number 2 would be getting used to using the words "I don't know".  Come to peace with the unknown.  The need to figure other people out, the need to make a judgement, the need to form an opinion.  Just get used to saying, "I don't know, I just don't know".  And it's ok to not know.

Eph. 3:20 Now unto Him that is able to do exceeding abundantly

 above all that we ask or think, according to the power that worketh in us,

Ideas that are new to me - part 2

I've spent most of my life feeling less than I should.  Keeping my emotions inside, afraid to let anyone see my true self for fear they wouldn't like me.  It kept me safe from ridicule, my vulnerabilities close to my chest, and gave an edge of superiority on those who couldn't or didn't.  But it was a huge mistake to cope this way. (yes, cope)  It shut me right down inside, and finally made me to be unable to laugh or cry at all.  It was making the mistake of thinking that feeling less meant feeling better- with symptoms that include inability to focus or listen, a mind that hungers for the next distraction, lack of or struggle to control one's appetite, short-temperedness, feet that twitch, a lack of peace and joy.  There's many reasons why we do this, but much of it depends on if we're an introvert or an extrovert and how we dealt with stress as a child.  The extroverts often will respond more in fight modes, whereas the introverts will freeze, fawn or flight (run away); although we all will likely do all of them at different challenges.  Being a people pleaser or shutting down inside are much more tolerable behaviors than anger, but it's a response to stress just the same and starts getting built up inside our bodies over time.  These are the repressions that lead to disease later in life.  Remember, emotions govern structure, and structure governs function.  Teaching emotional regulation to our children is the answer to this all.  Comforting them when they are distressed and absorbing their energy with your own calming energy can be the biggest healer to learning good regulation to stress as an adult.  If you didn't learn this as a child, learning it with your spouse is very healing.  (How We Love book)

I think we can all see ourselves in all the categories below.  Healing from these is essential to peace and joy.

....

How to Have a Difficult Conversation~

There’s nothing worse than having to talk to somebody who you know is going to get upset. Difficult conversations are the worst, but that doesn’t mean you should avoid them. In fact, that’s exactly what you SHOULDN’T do.

Here are 4 techniques for whenever we have to have a difficult conversation. These are ways to stay focused on the outcome you want, rather than the other person’s emotional reaction.  It's best to give the person an advance notice of needing a hard conversation too.  Springing it on them might not end so well.

TRY THIS:

1️⃣ Always start the conversation by acknowledging your responsibility for whatever situation or mess you find yourself in. 

2️⃣ Then tell the person what your goal is for having this conversation. 

3️⃣ Do A LOT of listening and validating the person’s feelings.

4️⃣ Restate the outcome to stay focused on the result you want.

Bonus tip: Try rehearsing the conversation with a friend. Work out the kinks and get comfortable with what you’re going to say.   [source]

Here's another acronym to help too.  Figure these out beforehand and write down if necessary and read it off~

Jefferson Fisher is a lawyer I've been learning from lately how to communicate better.  He has a ton of video shorts on YouTube if you want to learn this stuff too.  Recently I was in a "surprise attack" difficult conversation over something I had said 2-3 years ago and had to jump in with both feet.  I used 4 different of his tactics in explaining myself why I had said what I said, and how to still disagree in a healthy manner and it worked super well.  I was able to be clear and concise, not get emotionally charged (I would have in my old days!) and be confident in what I wanted as the outcome of the conversation.  The tactics I used in this one were (1) point out when you do agree on something (2) do not allow interruptions (the man tried to interrupt several times and I had to say, "I'm not done talking", which I never would have done in my old days; I would have just shut down, got angry and defensive and left) (3) imagine your outcome of the conversation and stick with the goals (4) don't allow emotional takeovers (don't let their bullying or guilt tripping or passive aggression derail your purpose, sort of like #2 but a bit different).

I didn't used to know that you could disagree without getting defensive.  I didn't know that was an option.  Well, turns out you can.  The biggest way is by taking some time to respond not react.  There's a gap in between what was said to you and how you reply back.  The options are to (1) just say what comes to your head immediately as an emotional reaction or (2) think and pray about how to respond for a better outcome.  Even saying, "let me think about this and get back to you" is a good option.  Who knew?!

Realizing why we get reactive can be helpful too.  I didn't ever think about the why but below is a list.  Naming it can be helpful in letting your feelings come forth to ponder (not to defend).  We don't really have to defend anyone or anything, even ourself.  We can be curious as to why someone says something to us, but not take it personally if we know it isn't true, or only partially true.  Even if it is wholly true, asking why the person is saying it and how we can learn and grow from it is still beneficial to us.  Do people avoid telling us the truth for fear of our reaction?  Or is it their tactic?  Is it truth or is it opinion? Or a mix?  Do they say it in a way meant to be kind, loving and helpful?  Do they think they need to reproach us by informing us in some way?   Are we approachable for the hard conversations that need to be had? These all take some time to sort out, so don't respond unless you are confident in your reply.  All relationships need to have hard conversations, so learning to do them better will improve all our relationships.

....

Next is learning the difference between can't vs won't.  This seems kind of subtle and even a bit lame, but the differences can be huge.  Often these words are used interchangeably, but they have distinct differences.

• Can't (cannot) denotes an inability to perform a given task.

• Won't (will not) denotes an unwillingness to perform a given task.

Sometimes people can't understand you the way you want to be understood, but sometimes it's that they won't.  How to tell the difference?  Super hard.  Even impossible as we can't read each other's minds, so we won't know their intent unless we ask.  What I did learn is that with can't, compassion should be given for the inability to perform said task, but with won't, a boundary should be placed to limit that behavior.  This of course has much nuance and is a rather gray area but did lead to good questions when trying to decode someone else's behavior.  Can't implies that they are unable but won't implies that they are unwilling.  You can see how the subtle difference will change your responses to their behavior.

The other side of this coin is our own view of ourselves.  Are we limiting ourselves because of what we think and believe?  Do we assume we can't because we won't?  Why not?  Will we not listen to other viewpoints because we can't see their point of view or because we won't?  Are we closed to a variety of options because we can't or won't explore them?  Are we afraid so we believe we can't?  Or are we afraid so we won't?  Do we listen to what others tell us about ourselves and believe in their view of our limitations (however well-meaning they may sound)?  Are we as firmly rooted in our beliefs as we claim, or are we shakier than we claim that other perspectives scare us?

Personality traits to explore...(positive, negative, neutral).

Luke 10:27

And he answering said, Thou shalt love the Lord thy God with all thy heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy strength, and with all thy mind; and thy neighbour as thyself.

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Paying attention to our automatic thoughts.  This one is huge.  Our automatic thoughts are what control our day.  Debra Felita (counselor) says the easiest way to tally these is to grab a piece of paper, put a line down the middle and start writing down every thought that comes to our head for 24 hours.  One the left side of the line, write thoughts about yourself and on the right side write thoughts about other people.  At the end of 24 hours, tally up the (+) and the (-) as far as positive or negative thoughts.   (We actually have to write them all down honestly for this to work!) 70% of our automatic thoughts go unnoticed as we are so used to them that they have become our reality (whether true or not).  How we talk to ourselves is often much worse than how we would dare talk to others.  We can change our automatic thoughts but it takes time and intention, and we have to stop our ruminations.  My counselor really helped me see how limiting my automatic thoughts were, and how damaging they were to my life.  The voices in our heads are the most persuasive and pervasive influence in our lives.  It's as if they are us (they are in our own voice), but they are not.  They may just be damaged belief systems, shame cycles, and things people said in anger to us decades ago that we've never healed.  What are the kinds of negative thoughts that limit us and bring us low?  

Price Pritchett explains these quite well below.  We also have faulty beliefs that "concern" means we care about an issue more than other people do.  Or that "stress" means we're a better employee because it means we care.  We've told ourselves these things to justify our negative thoughts, but it doesn't have to be this way.  Improving our conversation skills will also limit our negative thoughts, because when we can communicate effectively, we don't have to assume things.

• Complaining – Pritchett notes that we complain most about things that are out of our control. To eliminate complaints and focus on improvement is an excellent redirection of energy.  Complaining is more than just expressing dissatisfaction, it's getting stuck in a loop of focusing on problems without seeking solutions. It feels good to complain because it separates you from what’s happening, but it becomes a habit that hinders growth and progress. It’s like a relief valve that feels good the moment it opens up, but when it closes it just fills back up with the same problems.
• Criticism – What role does criticism play in your self-talk? Are you half-empty or half-full? Do you find the good or notice the defect? Do you keep it to yourself, quietly downgrading, or do you find ways to share your observations in a way that encourages and edifies?  At first, pointing out flaws might seem like a way to improve things, but truthfully criticism dulls the shine of achievements and stifles creativity. That’s because criticizing isn’t done with the intention to improve, but rather the intention to bring something down. Shifting from criticism to constructive feedback ignites growth and fosters a more collaborative environment.
• Concern – Pritchett says concern is just old-fashioned worrying. If you inventoried your worries, you’d find that most don’t materialize. Minimize concern.  While having concerns are helpful to serve as warnings and could be positive when coming from a place of caring, it can easily be overdone and turn into worry. We gravitate toward worry because we need a way to express the uncertainty, which evolves into overthinking about things out of our control and is draining.
• Commiserating – The old phrase “misery loves company” comes to mind here. If you’re going to get into the ditch with someone, don’t linger there. Give a helpful hand and a good word. (ask, "How can I help?")  Help them to a better place.  Gathering with friends to share experiences and woes can feel therapeutic initially. But when these discussions get repetitive and stuck in sharing grievances, it can make feeling bad for yourself more acceptable. Ultimately the version of this you’d like to incorporate comes from a place of empathy for others and acceptance for yourself, so that you can reroute your behavior to something more constructive.
• Catastrophizing – Negative thinking makes negative events worse than they are. When you make an event a catastrophe, it takes you off your feet and off your game. Don’t stay there. You can get up. You can step ahead.  This is when things are blown out of proportion and you picture the worst-case scenario. It makes you feel powerless because you’ve made the obstacle out to be so much bigger than it is, and it paralyzes you from feeling like you can take any meaningful action against it. 

[source- The 5 Cs of Negative Thinking]

As you can see, all of these are just a shifting of our mindset, not changing of our actual situations.  These take a ton of mental work but are so freeing and so worth it.  And slowly over time, we will see that our judgement turns to compassion (this is emotional maturity!) as the grief and pain of our old thinking habits and confusing relationships are washed away.  Acknowledging the truth is perhaps the hardest one to acknowledge, when we have many distortions and coping mechanisms blocking out the truth about ourselves and others.  Repenting of these old behaviors and realizing the damage they've caused is pretty hard too though. Thankful for God's grace that covers it all!

Next up...where does our value lie?!

Romans 12:2 And be not conformed to this world: but be ye transformed by the renewing of your mind, that ye may prove what is that good, and acceptable, and perfect, will of God.

Ideas that are new to me - part 1

I'm just going to parse out a few of the topics I've learned about these past few years.  They seem like simple ideas, but I have to admit they are new to me when they are broken down into components.  They have been so helpful on my journey to better health and healing (and joy and peace too!)  Read on...

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Grief vs complaining vs venting vs gossip~

Grief is the active process of letting go of what or who was lost.  It is an emotional, physical, spiritual healing.  It involves the vulnerability of the heart (emotions) not just the mind letting go.  Remember that grief must be shared to be healing, and so it requires an audience.  Grief is the gap between what we expected and what actually is, in any sense.  Our audience however; does not get to decide how long we should hurt for, how much we should hurt or not, nor how we *should* (or shouldn't) to express that hurt.  Pick people who help you heal, not hinder you.  They must be able to handle your pain without taking it on as their own.  (more on codependency below)

Complaining is often venting.  We all do it, and it can be good (processing life's challenges) or bad (avoiding grief).  It feels good, makes us feel validated and most often comes from our brain/ego (thoughts) not our heart (emotions), although they are of course closely linked.  It doesn't let us grieve properly and is only temporary relief as we vent.  There often is no healing in complaining, just prolonging the process.  This prolongs our suffering too, and sometimes we want that (it justifies our victimhood and draws attention to us).  If we never access our heart, complaining will become a way of life and we'll never see healing of the deeper issues. (Often still lurking from childhood when we were too young to know how to express them if we never learned to do so.)  Sometimes we revel in our suffering too, or have learned the message that "life is suffering" and believe that is the only way to be.  If our "cross to bear" is heavy, we must be doing something right!

What's the difference between venting and gossiping then? These can be tricky too.

• You're venting if you're letting off steam about someone or a situation, complaining often doesn't want it solved but is a voicing of dissatisfaction
• You're gossiping if you're trying to change someone's opinion about a person (common enemy alliances form many unhealthy bonds between people)
• You're gossiping if you share personal details without permission (source)

When we cling to our suffering, we are also likely getting something out of it.  Is it a way to avoid something else?  Are we ignoring other things we don't want to admit or face?  Does endless rumination or speculation ever benefit us?  Sometimes it feels like life is a game of whack a mole, and we spend most of our energy putting out fires in our minds and lives.  It doesn't have to be like this!  We can have joy and peace in our relationships, homes and hearts.  We should emanate the joy of the Lord!!  Counseling with an outside source can help us determine all of this and heal those areas where we struggle that we often aren't even aware of.  "If you always do what you've always done, you'll always get what you've always gotten."  Learning new skills can be essential to healing and to growth.  None of us wants to stay stagnant, but growth can be daunting too.

The biggest takeaway from defining these words (I'm barely scratching the surface here, as Greg and I were discussing it later, there are way more differences and similarities between the words), is to check yourself as you speak to others and to ask things like, Am I looking for healing? To let off steam?  Is this a recurrent complaint that I do or don't want to solve?  Am I playing the victim or am I in charge of my own choices and life?  And as a listener, asking the same sorts of questions...Do you want me to offer some suggestions or for me to just listen?  How can I support you most?  Assuming someone is complaining when they're grieving isn't helpful, or assuming someone needs help when they just need comfort isn't helpful either.  Putting a name to what we're feeling is so helpful as we communicate with others and what we expect of them and of ourselves.  I'd say a huge part of communication goes south because these kind of things are assumed and not clarified.

Proverbs 20:5 says "Counsel in the heart of man is like deep water; 

but a man of understanding will draw it out."

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Counseling benefits~

Counseling is for growth.  If we think it's so someone will sympathize with our pain and just be a place to unload; we're wrong.  Their job is to understand our perspective, but not necessarily endorse it.  We'll need to be accountable and vulnerable.  Their job is to help people see themselves in a mirror clearly, so they can grow and heal on their own.  They do not provide answers, solve problems nor take sides.  The amount we can heal depends on how willing we are to sit in our own discomfort and learn and grow from there.  They can teach us to be less depressed or anxious, less defensive and less reactive, less judgmental and more compassionate (to ourselves and others).  "Most things worth doing are difficult" is the long term goal.  Short term discomfort is necessary to get there.  It causes us to see ourselves as we normally would not choose to or have never been able to.  The client can then take a look at that reflection and say "now what do I do?" or choose to turn away in denial as they've done in the past.  Typically, most success comes in the first 15 sessions or so.  People shouldn't need counseling endlessly.  After the first year on a 2 week visit schedule, you should have addressed the major issues and be able to carry on successfully.  If you haven't come to a point where you don't need them anymore after the first year (on a 2 week schedule), they aren't helping you.  They may be pandering to you, but are not helping you grow.  You need to do the homework in order to succeed.  Of course, new life challenges will come up and you may need to go back and get refreshers on how to handle new situations, but overall these are the statistics.

What kind of things can we heal through Christian counseling?  Well, paying attention to our dreams can be a start.  What do we dream about?  Are your dreams peaceful or anxious?  In present time or in the past?  What are we afraid of?

"We humans are all afraid of hurt, of being humiliated, of failure and of success.  We are afraid of being alone and afraid of connection.  We are afraid to listen to what our hearts are really telling us.  We are afraid of being unhappy and afraid of being too happy.  We are afraid of bad health and good fortune.  We are afraid of not having our parents' approval and afraid of accepting ourselves as we really are.  We are afraid of envy and of having too much.  We are afraid of having hope in things we might not get.  We are afraid of something happening to our kids and our spouses and our jobs.  We are afraid of not having control and afraid of our own power.  We are afraid of how briefly we are alive, and afraid of how long we'll be dead.  We are afraid that when we die, we won't have mattered.  We are afraid of being responsible for our own lives."  ~Lori Gottlieb

Proverbs 15:22   Without counsel purposes are disappointed: 

But in the multitude of counsellors they are established.

Counseling also addresses our need for drama in our lives.  Most unhealed people are sucked into other people's problems and crises, unfair issues and policies and seem to go from one calamity to another. (And we think this is because we care about others so much!) This is done to avoid the chaos in our own hearts and minds, and is a form of self-medication.  If we are honest, we really often only care about other people's bad news, not their good news as that has no drama in it.  An honest question to clarify this would be- How much time do we spend discussing other people's good news and successes?  Compared to bad?

A counselor will also not tell you what to do, because all of us resent this.  We all want autonomy and agency over our own lives, and when someone gives out unsolicited advice, it strips us of this.  Ask yourself if you had a creative idea, if someone came in and took it from you, "improved" it with their own ideas, would you still want to do it?  Would you still think it's your idea anymore?  This is what happens with unsolicited advice.  When we assume we know better than someone else knows about their very own life, we suck the life (and capability and autonomy) out of them with our advice.  There's even words for this which none of us want to admit we are one!  Interestingly, now that I'm healing, I have no interest in the drama of others. (I used to!)  I don't need to give advice, I don't need to feel obligated to take a side with someone's story.  I can empathize, but do it objectively.  I still struggle with the empathetic responses instead of fix-it solutions, but it's getting better little by little.  But, life can be boring with no other people's drama to have an opinion on, I'll admit!

kibitz: to look on and offer unwanted advice to others

quidnunc: a person eager to learn news and scandal

know-it-all: is a person who imparts the correct way to do something, or other information, with a sense of superiority 

How does this happen?  Slowly over time there is a 5 step process that our brains take in order to change our mindsets.  A counselor cannot make these happen, but they assist in the process.

1. Pre-contemplation- often more looks like denial that there is even something that needs changing, people get irritated if you mention a problem, and often the information just needs to be given in general terms and the persuading is done on their own brain in their own time and in their own way.
2. Contemplation- is ambivalence, it's resistance to a problem.  Willing to talk about the problem but not willing or able to do anything about it yet. (people often start counseling at this point) People often procrastinate or self-sabotage at this point to put off making changes they know need to be made.  The loss of the old and the anxiety of the new is daunting.
3. Preparation- time to face the battles, being brutally honest with the changes that need to be made.  Time to make new habits and commit to new accountabilities.
4. Action- doing it and following through.  This is the hardest part...getting out of the old habits and into the new.  There's often a lot of pushback from those around us who are used to the old.
5. Maintenance- the stage where there's been a significant amount of time after the changes have been made. Often breaking free from old habits of substance abuse, other people's drama, negativity and self-defeating ways of living, and living a life of less reactivity and calmness of body and spirit seems alienlike for a while but then is so freeing and peaceful!

The infographic below is helpful for ideas to be empathetic without giving unsolicited advice.

Here's more info on codependency.  I am still navigating getting away from this.  It's been a huge part of my identity and life, bending to the alleged needs of others in order to feel worthy, accepted and needed.  Breaking free has been super hard, because those roles are firmly established, especially with close family and friends.

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Either/or vs both/and thinking

One of the new-to-me concepts I've also learned in counseling is pretty simple and that is both/and vs either/or thinking.  I hope we all do it already, but seeing it laid out, I knew that I was pretty unfamiliar with it in depth.  For some reason, our society has come up with the idea that thoughts must be either/or.  If I'm right, then you must be wrong.  If I am feeling one thing, then I can't be feeling another.  If I have a burden, then it must be worse or better than someone else's.  This of course leads to a ton of judgement and comparing whose pain is worse and who "deserves" compassion or not.  Either/or belief systems are very heavy on my way or your way, without seeing that most topics are 50+ shades of gray, so to speak.  Very few things are black and white only.  There's room for everyone's ideas, everyone's pain, everyone's feelings.  These aren't limited by our inability to see or acknowledge them.  This idea was new to me in that if someone else had a belief about something, and I disagreed with them, I felt that I must be wrong in order for them to be right. (Shame, there you are again!) You can see how limiting this can be.  We can both be right for our own list of reasons from our own life experiences.  

The only *alleged* downside to the both/and belief system is that it will reduce your arguing with others.  When we can see many sides of a situation, it takes us off our moral high horse and leads to conversations with understanding for someone else's point of view.  It levels the playing field and helps us try to understand one another rather than trying to convince them that either I'm right or you're right. Either/or thinking basically simplifies complex topics, which are full of important nuance and clarifying details.  It also makes us more approachable and flexible, and reduces assumptions and blaming.  Being unteachable is not a Christian virtue.  We are all a work in progress, and God's not done with any of us yet!  It's also realizing that none of us has the monopoly on truth.

Things that are both/and at the same time, not either/or (just quickly off the top of my head).  These are the dichotomies of a day in the life of a Christian!

Sinner and saint

Deserving and undeserving

Redeemed and fallible

Confident and fearful

Prideful and humble

Earthly and heavenly minded

Needed and needing

Faithful and doubting

Grace filled and judgmental

Hopeful and doubting

Right and wrong

Forgiving and hurt

Obedient and resisting

Joy and grief/sadness

Over spiritualizing and under spiritualizing

Pious and negligent

Also words like bittersweet and spendthrift (someone who has a lot of money by being thrifty) too

In parenting these issues come up too, and they don't have to be one or the other.  Both have their own list of pros and cons.  One isn't right, so the other must be wrong.  This is so divisive to think this way.

Home birth vs hospital birth

Homeschool vs public vs private

Vax vs unvaxx

Cosleep vs not 

and on and on ad nauseum...

It's also things like worrying when your teens are out late and still being able to sleep when they aren't home yet.

Here's some infographics that help explain it further:

Another way that it is mentioned is called dialectical thinking (vs linear or binary).

This also then means~

1. I don't have to share my opinion, but only if I want to (I can still have one)
2. I don't have to take a side (there's often not just 2 sides, there's many)
3. I don't need to try fix/change anyone
4. I don't need to try to change someone else's opinion
5. I don't need to defend my choices (but I will own them)
6. I can have my own firm beliefs
7. I'm not obligated to engage in an issue (it's my choice)
8. I can stand up for myself clearly and concisely
9. I have the same value as everyone else

(And the same is true for you!)

Dear Lord, We pray that you will deliver us from anything that binds us. Enable us to see the work of the evil one, and strengthen us against him.  Set us free from anything that keeps us from becoming all You made us to be.  We know you have a wonderful plan for our lives which includes deliverance, healing and restoration.  Help us to never settle for less than all You have for us. We look to You as our healer and restorer.  Amen.

Joel 2:25 And I will restore to you the years that the locust hath eaten...