Book review~ Eve in Exile

Part of my book reviews I need to finish up with was the Eve in Exile book that I reviewed a month or so ago in a previous post.  When I was ready to take it back to the library, I realized that it still had a bookmark in it, and that I hadn't finished reviewing the end of the book which is what tied it all together.  

I also want to clarify that this book isn't written, and I'm not writing any of this stuff to put heavies on others to do more or be more or expect more.  If you think that, then you are missing the point.  The point is to notice how the feminist movement that we've all grown up in and been surrounded our whole lives by has left us wanting as women, and it's so subtle that often it's hard to notice where we went off course.  Eve in Exile brings out what went wrong, the how's and why's and what we can do to rectify it.  She writes in the book that the movement itself has pretty much crashed and burned, and now's the time to rebuild better than before.  As Christians, let's lead the way! Soo...

How do we "subdue" and "fill" our homes?  We first have to see it as a hugely meaningful task.  Not a degrading one that needs to be escaped from somehow (shopping, jobs, careers, etc).  The home we live in clearly matters (not the size or shape, but the intrinsic value).  Our homes nurture, provide food and rest, give shelter and create a loyalty to itself to become one of the strongest of all human emotions.  Home is where your people are, and your deepest loves and allegiances lie.  Or it can be a place of contempt, bitterness, envy and strife.  Whatever is the outcome in our own homes, us women are at the helm, and it is not an irrelevant position to hold.  Our aim should first be towards our homes and our husbands and children (if we have them) and then we venture out further after that.  She encourages and explores all sorts of "venturing" depending on your ages and stages.

Filling it includes the fruitfulness of having children to the glory of God, but there are so many other ways to fill and be fruitful that are outside of that.  Nurturing, caregiving, filling the earth with the knowledge and love of God, showing hospitality, making life lovely and beautiful for those around them (inside and out).  When men and pastors go about bringing change, they do it with ideas and very directly.  Women do it more subtly with hot food and love and joy and serving others in everything they do.  Women like Mother Teresa and Amy Carmichael come to mind for me.  I also think of Greg's grandparents (or mine) who his Papa was a Pastor always discussing doctrine and theology way into the night; but his Grandma was the one was busy endlessly opening her home, quietly changing the sheets on the beds yet again, and making sure the men had plenty of coffee and cinnamon rolls to add to their discussion.  Oh, to be more like her someday!  Her silence spoke volumes of her faith and her faithfulness without her having to say a word.   Whatever our lot is, we should see our jobs as poetry.  We shape lives.  We shape loves and loyalties, we weave glorious truths into the souls of the people around us.  It's a tall order for sure, one that I fail at every day, that's for sure!  I certainly am not adding more "heavies" to what we are already bearing, it's just an interesting perspective on how important tending to the care of our own homes and loves.

She also shares how we should strive to be helpers to the men we have; not the men we wish we had or the men we wish our own would become someday.  She likens it to people who dress for the body they wish they have, not the body they have.  It's rather painful to witness.   She encourages us to look at our husbands and their callings and their loves and then glorify those.  Make your children see how amazing their dad is, and how his work is significant and that you and your kids are incredibly privileged to be a part of his life.  A real life example of this she uses is the Pioneer Woman.  Translate that into your own life and use wisdom and discernment to make it glorious.  Own your story!  Ask him what he loves, how he wants his house, how he wants his children raised and then make it happen.  The idea of actually being a helper to your husband rather than pushing your own ideas and dreams and following them doesn't seem real fun, especially if your husbands plans don't seem like a rewarding project; but the results of this will be transformative.  Women change the world this way, ever since Adam and Eve.  They compel their husbands without a word (1 Pet 3:1) to become a whole lot better men themselves.  The women believe in the men they married, that God will give the results.  If you don't have a husband and/or children, there are plenty of needs out there that we can share our love and devotion to.

The last chapter is short and it focuses on the differences between men and women.  How as soon as women start demanding equality, they lose the difference between the sexes and lose their God given glory.  We need to embrace the differences, and realize we've been created to bring glory to God in different ways.  We show and bring glory when we give of ourselves, sacrifice ourselves and submit freely to our husbands (as we vowed to do) and that glory will grow and grow.  We won't notice it, but others will. (Matt 5:16).  When we begin looking at our own perceived needs, our rights, our self-esteem or our fulfillment then our glory decreases.  When we lay our pride down, God will give us of His dignity.  Feminine glory is fruitful, it produces and builds but often looks messy and hilarious and ridiculous to the outsider. (Prov 14:4)  We want all the world to "taste and see that the Lord is good"(Prov 34:8).

I'll let you figure out how to do that for your own life.  Or not.  

Fall ponderings...

I'm going to try to start doing more writing over the next while.  Partly because I've gotten off social media for a while and feel I need to do more pondering, and less absorbing what I'll refer to as "O.P.P." (other people's problems).  It seems like my whole 40s have been spent listening and trying to sort O.P.P., and it's left me with absolutely no energy left to ponder and sort my own life (good, bad and otherwise).  Sure I've read a good number of books in my burned out days with no physical energy left to serve my family, and I've spent plenty of time on social media "zoning out" due to the same; and I regret most of it because my husband and children have paid the biggest price for this state of exhaustion and mental depletion that I've found myself in.

I had a health issue come up a couple weekends ago, and it caused me to do some fasting, praying and thinking which was a good thing.  But when that happens, it also brings with it lots of guilt for the person I can't be (my own expectations of myself, others' expectations of me, or just my own perceived expectations of what I think others have of me), which I fail at daily.  And I'm not very good at seeing who I truly am and who God wants me to be in the right here, right now.  I did see clearly how I've failed my husband and children over and over though, by carrying other people's baggage that I can doing nothing about.  There's been a lot of it; heavily laden with drama, chaos, sin, brokenness and sadness.  There hasn't been a day free from it as far back as I can recall, counting only since Levi was born 5 years ago.  And it's used up all my bandwidth to even be able to see clearly the joy in my own marriage and wonderful husband; and to find joy in and seek to meet the many needs of my many children.  It's also caused me to feel guilty for these blessings rather than be thankful for them, because the O.P.P.s have been dumped on me so heavily these past years.

So, I'm also searching my heart and my part to play in this as well.  Did I (or do I still?) feel somehow I can help them?  Or do I take "bearing one another's burdens" literally and think that I should be weighed down heavily with them for some unknown reason? ("rejoice with those who rejoice, and weep with those who weep"?)  Or is my greatest strength (being a good listener) also my greatest weakness because I'm unable to set healthy boundaries for my own family's health and well-being?  Or why can't I just pray for them and leave it there?  Sounds like a great idea until it actually has to be done!

What has become clear though, is the people that have these endless problems are complex situations to begin with.  They've had problems dealing with people for years, even decades and lifetimes.  Their current states of affairs are nothing new.  They've had trouble getting along with folks long before I came in the picture.  Problems with the churches they went to, the jobs they worked at, their in-laws, their friends, their roommates,  etc.  Now it's just a new set of people causing "unsolvable" problems in their lives.  Or health concerns that have been ignored for decades and are now catching up.  Or sinful or prideful habits leading to eventual consequences.

I really shouldn't be surprised though.  It's a broken world, and it's not our home (thankfully!)  I was recently talking with my Dad and was commenting on how my 40s have been pretty dismal so far.  The 20s and 30s were exciting, full of new opportunities and hope.  The 40s are just lame and boring.  Everything is just staying the same or getting worse.  He commented that he noticed that when he got to his 40s, he and those his near his age all started paying the consequences for choices they made in their 20s and 30s.  What they had chosen for a career (or not!), who they married and the way their children's upbringings ended up, the sickness and the health, the addictions and the vices.   We do reap what we sow in so many ways here on earth, even if we are covered in God's grace for eternity. (Gal 6:7)

The other thing I noticed about this particular group of people (the O.P.P. sort) is that they can't own up to their own problems.  No matter what happens, they blame it on someone or something else.   You can't have an honest conversation with them, because they'll spend the whole time justifying why they deserve to be hurt and offended, and how there was nothing that could have been done by them to change the outcome.  They are always the victim and they expect from others what they are unwilling and/or unable to do themselves (offering empathy to others being the biggest thing I've noticed).  This is likely because by offering true empathy to others takes the attention and focus off themselves, and they can't handle that for whatever reason.  There's never a level playing field of give and take, talk and listen, & learn and grow like in a normal healthy relationship.  It's all about seeking attention and getting control of the audience.  I'll admit I don't have any idea where this behavior stems from, but low self-esteem and insecurity seems to be a common denominator across the board, and possibly childhood baggage and lack of coping skills.

There has been blessings come of this emotional train wreckage too though.  I've been able to forgive in ways I thought impossible.  To forgive those who aren't repentant because they just are who they are.  God's not finished with them (or me!) yet, and I will continue to pray that He will work His ways to bring us all closer to Him and a better understanding of His love and grace due to our own brokenness and stubbornness.

It's also brought me new friends who have been a huge blessing in my life that I didn't know I needed.  Sometimes friendships fade away as people drift apart for various reasons, and although there's grieving needed to be done (I've done plenty!), there's also joy to be found in new ones.  There's new ideas, new perspectives that challenge us, and many new conversations to be had.

This podcast recently challenged me as well.  The latest two posts are called, "When Friends Flame Off" and "I Don't Wanna" about how to act and what to say (or not say) when our friends are going off in their own direction and we don't know how to react or what to do.  Good stuff!  Lots of extra chit chat that's unnecessary, but somewhat enjoyable if you have the time to listen.  Hard stuff to sort out, and as I'm seeing, much harder for ladies than men.  Men are able to parse this stuff out and not let it bother them at all!  Women, not so much!  I wish when my friends needed help I could just offer my shop or my tools to them and call it good!  Or ask them for help on a project.  My husband has a friend who thinks that if you don't invite him over to help somewhat often, then you must not like him.  Women aren't that way.  There's the kid discipline problems and the marriage problems and the health problems and the church problems and the in-law problems and the money problems...if only it was as simple as replacing an alternator! 

So what am I going to do now?  Try to heal my heart and my body.  I've done lots of grieving and forgiving thus far, but it seems to resurface again and again, so I have to be ready to tackle it again and again (usually unexpectedly!)  Greg has prescribed that I need to start swimming again and to heal my adrenals so that I'm stronger and not so affected by outside winds and waves that will always come.  I've been supporting them, but not specifically healing them so I'm going to work on that for now.  I've also discovered homeopathic healing modalities that have been working well for some of my physical symptoms.  I'm also journaling again to sort my thoughts a bit more thoroughly (technically called "expressive writing").  Check out the latest Reader's Digest (11/2021) for an explanation what this is.  I've also got some good stacks of books I'm working through as well, which I'll be doing some reports on here as I can find time.  

I'm also trying to figure out how to apply this verse below in a healthy way with boundaries, as to not succumb myself.  I understand that there are times when we are weak, and times when we are strong; and it's not up to us to be never in one camp and always in another.  Admitting truthfully where we are right now is important.

Romans 15:1 We then that are strong ought to bear the infirmities of the weak, and not to please ourselves.

Things I'm learning these days~

     These last 6 months have been spent teaching my first teenager how to drive.  I'd say it's shown more of my desire for control in my children than any other aspect thus far.  The stakes are so much higher!  While sitting in the passenger seat though, I've had lots of time to contemplate things, and although I haven't come up with any brainwaves yet, I thought I'd share what I've noticed.

1)  Sitting quietly in the passenger seat (without either being a "backseat driver" or "caution queen") is harder than I thought it would be.  If I pointed out every single potential danger, this would lead to discouragement in my teen rather quickly.  I have to just shut my mouth and pray and only add comments when absolutely necessary.  I've also learned that there is a big difference between potential threats and actual threats.  Navigating how to teach about both is all in the tone and the timing.

2)  Teens do best with a 10:1 ratio (or even more!) of compliments/good job/reassurance to keep their motivation up and their discouragement/fear down.  But when I think of myself, I do best with the same.  And don't we all?  Criticism should be always kept to a minimum.  None of us do better due to criticism, as mostly it just leads to despair. 

3)  Prayer is more important than worry.  This should be a given, but it isn't.  My default is more to go to worry first and then prayer.  God's sovereignty over our lives is not determined by my level of worry or fear, and just because I'm scared doesn't mean He's not in control of the situation.  I know this in my head and heart, but I often forget it.  Every day I forget it.  Me adding in peanut gallery comments to be more careful will not result in more care being added, when maximum care is already being applied.  I just need to shut my mouth and pray.

4)  Teens may have less discretion due to less experience, but they also have much quicker reaction time than I've given them (him!) credit for.  I assume he's like me when he's driving, but I've failed to give him credit for times when his quick thinking and quick acting has actually led to better results than it would have if I had been driving.  This is the encouraging part!

    The next thing about raising teens that I'm learning, is that mercy is taught in new ways.  Kind of new, because you offer toddlers the same kind of mercy but then the expectations go up again during the mid-kid years (6-12ish).  But when they become teens, that increased mercy card gets pulled out again.  Between their growing, their sleeping, their picky eating, their bossing, their independence-but-not-independent, their hormones, their moods....the list goes on.  Grace is giving a gift when there is no need for it, blessing others in ways they don't deserve but for no specific reasons.  For example, a teen is often tired.  If I do their work for them and let them sleep in, that's grace.  It also means I don't require them to pay me back in some fashion.  That's grace.  Mercy is when the same thing happens but there's some offense tucked in there somewhere.  They hurt a sibling, they may have run off at the mouth in an unhealthy manner, they offended someone (or they were offended themselves somehow).  As a mom of teens, you realize the outstanding parameters, and you make decisions accordingly.  Did they eat lunch?  Did they have a sleepless night?  Is their heart heavy from some emotional distress?  And then we offer mercy in the gap and nourish the need instead of the  usual required obedience or expectation.

The example of this popped up last week glaringly.  One child had been nasty all morning (I had intervened in 4 fights already, of which this child was the common denominator), and then a friend called to see if this same child could come and spend the day.  On one hand I thought, "well, they sure don't deserve that!" On the other hand I thought, "well, it'll be good to get rid of this child for a few hours so we can all get a break!"  Neither of those responses were what I went on though.  I told this child that they could go, and enjoy themself.  On the drive over, the child even said to me, "I don't deserve to go spend the day with my friend, as I've been mean and nasty all morning!"  I replied, "yes, you have, but you are going to go enjoy a break from all of us for the rest of the day."  And we all did the chores for this specific child while they were gone.  That's mercy.  The gift was given with no outside expectations nor retribution.  This happens often with teens and is where they truly learn about grace and mercy on a personal level.  This child's comment told me they got it without me even having to explain anything.

The next few things just come from things I've been reading or learning about in books or podcasts.  Just tidbits that help me put names to things and figure out puzzle pieces that might be missing elsewhere.  As always, I put my Christian perspective on secular teachings and see how they either overlap or are different.  Sometimes there's relevance, and sometimes there isn't.

Yesterday I was painting my long overdue (15 years) living room, and my kids were all out in the shop having a Nerf war, so I turned on a podcast of Mikhaila Peterson and Guy Winch on relationships.  I tend to like her podcasts as she asks a lot of good questions and there's no chitchat, all business.  Anyhow, I know nothing about this guy except that he's a family/marriage therapist, and has some books and TED talks out on the subject.  In the length of the listening, he mentioned that he and his cohorts can determine the success of a marriage to 90% accuracy all by watching a 5 minute video clip of the couple fighting/arguing.  The traits of success include 

• treating each other with respect (listening until the other person is completely finished talking)
• not getting defensive 
• listening to hear (not just to respond with our rebuttal) 
• listening without eliciting an emotional response

Anyhow, thought that was interesting.

The next thing is about trust.  Have you ever wondered why you do or don't trust someone?  Or why it takes a while to trust certain people?  Or for them to trust you?  Or you trust them in some areas but not others?  Brene Brown has studied into it and has come up with these criteria for trust.  She clarifies that it's unrealistic to expect everyone to meet these criteria (and that we certainly can't meet all these criteria for others!), and that if you have 1-2 friends who meet this criteria then you are extremely blessed.  But, it helps see why some people have never made it into the "trust" category although you may have known them for many years.  Her acronym is called BRAVING.

Boundaries

Trust thrives within boundaries that are clear and consistent. Each party knows where they stand,

“I trust you if you are clear about your boundaries and you hold them and you are clear about my boundaries and you respect them. There is no trust without boundaries.”

Reliability

Researchers are always looking for things that are valid and reliable. A set of scales provides a valid measurement.

A reliable scale is one where if you got on it 100 times, it will return the same result every time.

You cannot gain someone’s trust if you are reliable only once, because that’s not the definition of reliability.

In our working lives, we have to be clear on our limitations so we don’t take on so much that we don’t deliver on our commitments.

In our personal life, same thing. You can’t overpromise and underdeliver.

“I can only trust you if you do what you say you are going to do. And not once, but over and over again.”

Accountability

Own your mistakes and allowing for the transgressions of others,

“I can only trust you if, when you make a mistake you are willing to own it, apologise for it and make amends. I can only trust you if, when I make a mistake I am allowed to own it, apologise for it and make amends. No accountability, no trust”.

Vault

Research shows that when someone gossips with you about a third party, your trust in the gossiper is completely diminished.

Many times we share things that are not ours to share as a way to hotwire connection with a friend.

If you have a friend like that, your closeness is built on trash talking others. Brown refers to this as ‘common enemy intimacy’, which isn’t a real connection.

The vault means you respect my story, but you respect other peoples story.

“What I share with you, you will hold in confidence. What you share with me I will hold in confidence.”

Integrity

Brown came up with her own definition of integrity, with three core components:

• Choosing courage over comfort
• Choosing what is right over what is fun, fast or easy
• Practising your values, not just professing your values

“I cannot be in a trusting relationship with you unless you act from a place of integrity and encourage me to do the same.”

Non-judgement

Brown says it’s vital to be able struggle, fall apart and ask for help without being judged by another and vice versa.

This is hard, she says, because we’re better at helping than asking for help.

If you can’t ask for help and those around you can’t reciprocate it, that is not a trusting relationship.

When we assign value to needing or giving help, there’s an issue,

“Real trust doesn’t exist unless help is reciprocal and non-judgmental.”

Generosity 

According to Brown, it’s essential to be compassionate and make a generous assumption if someone inadvertently betrays your trust.

In this way, it’s better to address the situation early, rather than bottling it up and saving it as blackmail for a later date,

“Our relationship is only trusting if you can assume the most generous thing about my words intentions and behaviours and then check in with me.”

source

    The last thing is a tidbit by Dr. Zach Bush on why covid is such a crisis right now, and why chronic health is so low these days too.  The key word is glyphosate (Roundup).  He explained in the video I watched how Roundup blocks the Shikamate Pathway which prevents 3 essential amino acids (tryptophan and a few others) from being absorbed into our bodies.  Without these essential amino acids (these are ones we need to eat, not ones our bodies can produce themselves); chronic disease is on it's way.  We've been spraying Roundup on (or genetically modifying) crops for 30 years now, and chronic disease is epidemic in the last 30 years as well.  From these lacks in adults (200+ functions in the body) we get diabetes, obesity, anxiety, sleeplessness, dementia and other memory related issues; and in babies/kids we get chronic birth diseases (genetic expression included) of all sorts- starting with the A's- asthma, allergies, ADHD, autism, etc. and on we go.  So, avoiding GMO foods and rebuilding the gut are the easiest things we can do from home to fix our guts and our health.  Restaurant/convenience foods are notoriously not concerned with this health information, so sourcing our food locally and organically is hard work but worth it for the health of our families.  

    This is our current DDT experience that was dealt with in the 1900s and up until it was banned.  "Oh, of course it's safe!" until "Oh, oops no it isn't!"

That's all for today!