This post is going to just be a plethora of thoughts that have been swirling around in my head these last few months. I hope they make sense when I get finished. Since I've been feeling rather tired most of this pregnancy, I have had lots of time to ponder and contemplate. I also am turning 40 next month, so am trying to evaluate a few key areas of my life as well as think about where I've been. What I've learned, what I still need to learn (or relearn), areas of weakness as well as strengths that I can work on and pray about.
The term "dying to self" came to my head the other night and I'm trying to think of where that fits in to life. As moms, we die to self each day when we sacrifice our needs/wants for those of our spouse and our children. This in turn makes us feel needed and satisfies something deep inside of us that nothing else can. We all know that serving our self can feel slightly gratifying on the surface, but deep down there's nothing there of substance. But, if we never take care of our own needs, and are constantly serving others and catering to them, we get depleted and depression and resentment creep in. There's a fine line to it for sure, a line that is constantly changing with the daily ebbs and flows of life. One blog I recently read said, "I've been wondering how I ought to think about this process of caring for my own needs, and how I ought to identify my real needs versus my selfish preferences or my misguided expectations." (source, well worth reading) Isn't that the truth? Often it's hard to tell what those desires are or where they even come from, and what may be a real need one day may be a selfish preference the next.
As an introvert, I've often wondered how much alone time I should have each day to sort my thoughts and just rest my head from all the questions, crying and overall noise that accompanies a house with many children. I have discovered that for myself, I need some time in bed each morning of quiet to sort out what I'm going to do that day, some time in the afternoon at quiet time (kids each go to separate rooms so they get some reprieve from each other too) to just rest from all the organizing, commandeering, bossing (politely, of course) and then in the evening I take a bath almost every evening to read and/or refresh without distraction or talking to anyone. I don't have to leave home to do this, but have found that I feel frazzled and resentful if I don't do it consistently. Even too much time with Greg at home can overload my introvert head, as much as I love talking to him and love having him around. Often we just sit quietly on the couch because we're too stimulated to do any more talking by evening. Some moms have one night a week to themselves while their husband watches the kids, some exercise at a set hour...but finding some way to recharge is vital to our overall health. I read a book recently about a couple who moved to Alaska to homestead with 5 young children and she said that every evening she had to go for a walk outside by herself after everyone else was in bed just to have a bit of freedom from the small noisy cabin, and peacefulness to think clearly when her husband came home from his long day. Do what you can with what you have to work with.
Along the same lines, I've wondered how to give to others (husband and children specifically) when you have nothing left to give. How do you meet their needs when your own stores run so low? Everyone I've talked to about this subject tells me to "lower my expectations", but I don't know how to do this any more than I already have. We've had rough times before and cut out as many extras as we feel is necessary. The other day I talked to our chiropractor about it, and he said that when times were really hard for he and his wife (they have 11 children), they would just look at each other and say, "We'll just have to hunker down and get through this. It'll end someday!" I know it will too, but I also want to be able to enjoy the little things in my life today without being overwhelmed the guilt, inadequacies and failures that seem to stare me in the face when I'm lying on the couch once again because I'm d.o.n.e. for the day. I want to be pleasant when my kids come to me with requests and to show me things rather than being overwhelmed because of all the chores that didn't get finished today again. I want to be ready to read when my toddlers bring me book after book after book because I'm lying down and look like I have nothing better to do. But, I also need my kids to do some work each day, because I can't keep up with things like I am used to doing. I don't have the energy to pick up all their messes, when they are usually bored and fully capable of cleaning up after themselves. I do get so weary of the nagging, that then I let things slide for a few days, only to find that the task becomes insurmountable because I didn't remind them to do it every day. Today it took all morning to clean one room so it could be vacuumed that had been mostly unattended to (by me) all weekend. One room's floor, two days messes. Ridiculous. And that was with a timer (and a treat motivation) and me cajoling them along with what needed to be done step by step. Bedroom cleaning, anyone? Even worse! I've wondered if we should hire someone to do the vacuuming and such, but then I also know that it would be the kids that are getting out of a job, not me. And it's the cleaning the floors before vacuuming that takes all the time and energy, not the actual vacuuming and floor sweeping/mopping itself. Those are fun and breezish. No great inspiration here, only more questions!
One of the other things I think about a lot is fertility. There seems to be such vastly different views on it, ranging from pure hatred (Planned Parenthood supporters) to worshiping of it also, with everything in between. From total support when they hear of another baby coming into this world, to extreme disdain as well, from jealousy over another's new life to absolute relief that it isn't them expecting the baby. No matter what stage of womanhood you're in, it is hard. It's hard to be pregnant and not feel well for various health reasons, it's hard to lose a baby, it's hard to have baby after baby, in yet it's also hard to have no baby when you want one. I have gotten slack while expecting my last two babies from a woman who wishes she had more children (even though she has more than me) because in her opinion "it's not fair, because I want another baby and haven't gotten one". She doesn't realize that for 10 years I was single, working at a minimum wage job, then working 2 jobs while putting myself through college, and patiently waiting for a husband while she was having her babies. Some women wait much longer than I did. Another woman struggled with infertility for many years and finally was able to have a baby at age 30. Well, I was 30 when I had my first baby too, except that I was single for all those years and no one had sympathy for me because of my loneliness. I feel very blessed for my life, the way it has turned out in God's perfect time, but it's not something I have set out to plan or do, but instead have tried to trust in God and go where He leads me and do what He wants me to do. What other people think or feel or where they stand in their own journey with fertility, is not my concern. I also hear many women touting "we trust God with our fertility", as if those who make choices otherwise have no faith. To me it seems more of a seeking of validation for their own beliefs, rather than a life of faith. A life of faith needs no explanation to anyone. We can trust that God leads us and guides us and helps us make decisions while He also knows our frame, our shortcomings and our life's situation. What may be right for someone, may not be the best for someone else. Any way you look at it, women have been "cursed" (for better and for worse) with childbearing since the fall of Eve.
The other thing I've been thinking about is visions. I'm not talking about seeing visions, but just visions of the future that come to our minds bit by bit over time. Visions of where your children will end up when they grow up, visions of how your family will end up, visions of the future in any way shape or form. Greg and I were talking about this also, and how God brought us together so perfectly, and how we each met the vision each other had for a future husband/wife, in yet where do those visions come from? Does God put those visions in our minds and hearts, and then let us know about them so we can pray about them? Are they from our carnal portion (it seems unlikely, since they are usually well and good things for our life)? With 4/5 of our children, their names came to either Greg or I many months before we even conceived them. How did those names get there? We knew what gender we were having based on the name that came to us long before we knew about them. Isaac was our wild card. We sat down and chose his name because we had thought all along he was a girl (we had been given a girls name), and 3 weeks before he was born we found out he was a boy. He has been such a blessing to us, but he did make me lose some confidence in the visions I'd been given regarding my babies! We'll see what this next baby turns out to be (hopefully we'll be able to tell at the next appt.) because I was given a name over a year ago for this one. I'll keep you posted! Greg and I have also both had visions of our family size, but had never shared those visions with each other until just this year. And our visions are the same. I've had my vision since I was a young teenager (although it lost some hope when I was single all those years), and he's had his about the same amount of time. So then I question, where do these visions come from, how much do we rely on them and how much do we ignore them?
God says he will give us the desires of our heart, so maybe He puts those desires in there so that we then can see Him working to fulfill them. Often we pray "thy will be done", which is well and good, but maybe it's even easier to trust that His will will be done if we knew that He is the one putting those desires into our hearts in the first place. It kind of goes back to the question about seeking our own desires or our misguided expectations. Often we don't know where our desires stem from. "Search me, O God, and know my thoughts..."
The next thing I've been thinking about is the self-preservation that comes with pregnancy. Somehow we are okay to be dying to self on a daily basis, but then when pregnancy comes along, we learn how important it is to care for ourselves. We see our limits much more clearly due to the hormones present to keep that baby safe and healthy. I remember my cousin's wife (who had ridden horses her whole life) just having a gut feeling that she shouldn't ride a horse one day. Later on she found out they were expecting twins. God has such an amazing way to keep our little babies safe, that our hormones tell us where our boundaries are more clearly. I certainly am not able to just do what I want to do when I'm pregnant, as my body tells me my limits so much more clearly (hungry, tired, chilled, needing of emotional support, sensitive to smells, outside expectations, and so much more). I don't know if the same hormones are in charge of the emotions, but I am so much more emotional when pregnant (I even was crying in the grocery checkout the other day when a woman was telling me about her son dying 5 years ago...totally not me at all). I tend to be more sentimental as well, recalling all kinds of memories from the past. My dreams portray all kinds of people in my life that I had completely forgotten about. I just think it's amazing how God made these intuitions kick in during pregnancy for the maternal instincts to engage and to take care of that super-vulnerable unborn baby.
How about turning 40? How does that feel? I'm actually okay with it. I try to look at all the things I've learned over the years rather than just focusing getting older. When I look at the younger women, I try to remember how far I've come from when I was their age. I'm actually thankful I'm not their age anymore. Some of the things I've noticed that don't matter anymore are clothes (comfortable and functional rather than fashionable, although I still try to look nice), getting excited about events (I usually have a sick kid or two and have been disappointed far too many times...if I can go, it's a bonus, if not, oh well), having a social life (same as the last one), eating out (too expensive, too chaotic even if the kids behave well), driving a car (won't be driving one anytime soon either!). I also have learned to be more compassionate for others (and not so judgmental, although I am still learning this one), more patient, more forgiving, and most of all more understanding of myself in terms of my weaknesses, my frailties, my shortcomings which helps me understand others and have more compassion for them. I am still completely unartistic, I still hate most crafts (because that would require creativity), I still like to sleep way too much, and I still would eat cold cereal every day if I bought it (which I don't because it spikes my blood sugar and I feel like crap every time I eat it, even the "healthy" stuff). I do have some fun plans for my birthday, but we'll see if they actually materialize (not getting my hopes up). I do still cling to much birthday baggage that I also would like to be free from, but as of yet, am not.
I've learned that I can't change other people, but I can change the way I react to them and I can pray for them. This quote below came in the mail to me as a magnet when I ordered some books one time and I've kept it on my fridge ever since. Recently it has come to me over and over in different situations, and I keep reminding myself of the words. It makes us realize our own imperfections and helps us to be more understanding and forgiving when others don't do what we'd want them to do. Let's keep our expectations realistic and reasonable. And be willing to overlook faults in others just as we'd like them to do with our faults. The good old Golden Rule!
Whew, that was rather lengthy. Any thoughts or helps welcome!
