Codependency Primer

I promised a post on codependency a while back, and kind of forgot about it.  Hopefully I can start blogging about more fun and interesting topics soon, as this stuff is pretty deep and heavy, although healing.  A big part of many dysfunctional relationships is a level of codependency or emotional enmeshment in them which leads to the problem being swept under the rug, ignored, excused, minimized or blamed.  I've read several books on codependency (Melodie Beattie is the author who coined the term back in the 80s) and instead of doing a whole book review, I'm just going to post some infographics on what it is (I love charts and graphs, being a visual person myself).  Melodie's books are from an AA standpoint which leans heavily on "your Higher Power" and such, so I had to sift pretty heavily through them for God's truth as we know it so although I don't recommend them, they are kind of the gold standard in calling it what it is.  These are both new words to me, so I'm just trying to explain them as best as I understand them.

This first chart should have been included in my post on communication, but somehow it got missed so I'm going to post it here.  Lots of good ideas for being a better listener.

  

Enmeshment is another word that goes right with codependency, and they are often one and the same.  "Enmeshment is a description of a relationship between two or more people in which personal boundaries are permeable and unclear. This often happens on an emotional level in which two people “feel” each other’s emotions, or when one person becomes emotionally escalated and the other family member does as well. A good example of this is when a teenage daughter gets anxious and depressed and her mom, in turn, gets anxious and depressed. When they are enmeshed the mom is not able to separate her emotional experience from that of her daughter even though they both may state that they have clear personal boundaries with each other. Enmeshment between a parent and child will often result in over involvement in each other’s lives so that it makes it hard for the child to become developmentally independent and responsible for her choices.

"The causes of enmeshment can vary. Sometimes there is an event or series of occurrences in a family’s history that necessitates a parent becoming protective in their child’s life, such as an illness, trauma, or significant social problems in elementary school. At this time the parent steps in to intervene. While this intervention may have been appropriate at the time, some parents get stuck using that same approach in new settings and become overly involved in the day to day interactions of their children.

"Other times, and perhaps more frequently, enmeshment occurs as a result of family patterns being passed down through the generations. It is a result of family and personal boundaries becoming more and more permeable, undifferentiated, and fluid. This may be because previous generations were loose in their personal boundaries and so it was learned by the next generation to do the same. Or it may be a conscious decision to stay away from family patterns of a previous generation that felt overly rigid in its personal boundaries.

The Other Relationship Extreme

"The opposite of enmeshment is disengagement, in which personal and relational boundaries are overly rigid and family members come and go without any apparent knowledge of what each other is going through. This can be just as problematic as enmeshment. In fact, in its extremes, disengagement can be more difficult to work with because it’s easier to teach an engaged relationship how to redirect some of their energy than it is to get a disengaged relationship to engage.

Balanced Relationships:

"A good relational balance involves family members recognizing that they have different emotions and can make independent decisions, while also recognizing that their decisions affect others. In these relationships, a parent can see that their daughter is upset and anxious and can even empathize with her, but this does not get the parent into an aroused emotional state in which they feel like they have to fix the emotion (or that which caused the emotion) of their daughter. They empathize and show nurturing concern for their daughter but allow her the emotional space to solve her own problems with their support.

Signs You May Need Help:

"Those in enmeshed relationships are often the last to see it. But with awareness, you can start to recognize some of the signs: If you cannot tell the difference between your own emotions and those of a person with whom you have a relationship.

• If you feel like you need to rescue someone from their emotions.
• If you feel like you need someone else to rescue you from your own emotions.
• If you and another person do not have any personal emotional time and space.

These symptoms indicate that your relationship might benefit from the help of a qualified family therapist."

(source)

Co-dependency is a learned behavior that can be passed down from one generation to another. It is an emotional and behavioral condition that affects an individual’s ability to have a healthy, mutually satisfying relationship. It is also known as “relationship addiction” because people with codependency often form or maintain relationships that are one-sided, emotionally destructive and/or abusive.

(source)

Here's some questions to ask yourself if you are codependent in (any) relationships.  It doesn't have to be all or nothing, often it's just certain one(s) {relationships and traits}

1. Do you keep quiet to avoid arguments?

2. Are you always worried about others’ opinions of you?
3. Have you ever lived with someone with an alcohol or drug problem or mental illness?
4. Have you ever lived with someone who hits or belittles you?
5. Are the opinions of others more important than your own?
6. Do you have difficulty adjusting to changes at work or home?
7. Do you feel rejected when significant others spend time with friends?
8. Do you doubt your ability to be who you want to be?
9. Are you uncomfortable expressing your true feelings to others?
10. Have you ever felt inadequate?
11. Do you feel like a “bad person” when you make a mistake?
12. Do you have difficulty taking compliments or gifts?
13. Do you feel humiliation when your child or spouse makes a mistake?
14. Do you think people in your life would go downhill without your constant efforts?
15. Do you frequently wish someone could help you get things done?
16. Do you have difficulty talking to people in authority, such as the police or your boss?
17. Are you confused about who you are or where you are going with your life?
18. Do you have trouble saying “no” when asked for help?
19. Do you have trouble asking for help?
20. Do you have so many things going at once that you can’t do justice to any of them?

Communication primer

Here's a few things I'm learning about communication.  Better late than never, I suppose.  I've seen many lacks in my own habits, and am trying to correct them as they are brought to my own attention.  Maybe they can help you learn something new too!

From Debra Felita's podcast called Secrets to Good Communication: The Art of Conversation, I learned about these walls of effective communication that we often have built in some way or another.  These hamper our ability to communicate effectively and can break down relationships.  Often they are learned young for our own protection from being hurt, but then we employ them long after they've served their purpose because we don't know any better.

• Isolation- we pull away to not be vulnerable, and don't feel comfortable expressing ourself
• Denial- fail to take responsibility in conflicts, quick to blame, defensive
• Withdrawl- run away from conflict, fight or flee
• Displacement- take our frustrations out on other people
• Invalidation- ignore acts or words of loved ones of value
• Fantasy- escape reality rather than deal with people
• Passive-aggression- avoid conflict then jab with low-blows, holding in anger until you explode
• Rage- flip out rather than sharing what is the root cause- hurt, frustration, stress
• Humor- can be used to avoid hard conversations and deflect pain

None of these above are based in truth.  They usually have hints of truth, but are not the whole truth.  We distort the truth to suit our perceived needs.

Next thing I've learned is the 4 horsemen of conflict that erode relationships from Dr. John Gottman.  (He's the guy who can predict marital success or failure by watching 5 minutes of interactions of conflict, by the way).  These can be used in any relationship, not just marriage.

1. Criticism- Criticizing your partner is different than offering a critique or voicing a complaint. The latter two are about specific issues, whereas the former is an ad hominem attack. It is an attack on your partner at the core of their character. In effect, you are dismantling their whole being when you criticize.
2. Contempt-  When we communicate in this state, we are truly mean—we treat others with disrespect, mock them with sarcasm, ridicule, call them names, and mimic or use body language such as eye-rolling or scoffing. The target of contempt is made to feel despised and worthless.  Contempt goes far beyond criticism. While criticism attacks your partner’s character, contempt assumes a position of moral superiority over them.
3. Defensiveness- It is typically a response to criticism. We’ve all been defensive, and this horseman is nearly omnipresent when relationships are on the rocks. When we feel unjustly accused, we fish for excuses and play the innocent victim so that our partner will back off.  Unfortunately, this strategy is almost never successful. Our excuses just tell our partner that we don’t take their concerns seriously and that we won’t take responsibility for our mistakes.
4. Stonewalling- The fourth horseman is stonewalling, which is usually a response to contempt. Stonewalling occurs when the listener withdraws from the interaction, shuts down, and simply stops responding to their partner. Rather than confronting the issues with their partner, people who stonewall can make evasive maneuvers such as tuning out, turning away, acting busy, or engaging in obsessive or distracting behaviors.

It takes time for the negativity created by the first three horsemen to become overwhelming enough that stonewalling becomes an understandable “out,” but when it does, it frequently becomes a bad habit. And unfortunately, stonewalling isn’t easy to stop. It is a result of feeling physiologically flooded, and when we stonewall, we may not even be in a physiological state where we can discuss things rationally.

The next here is a way that is healthy to handle conflict (acronym STABEN from The Instinct to Heal by Dr. David Servan-Schreiber).  I'm guilty of too much listening to other peoples venting that was unproductive and could/should be classified as gossip over the years.  And I still don't know where that line between verbally processing our feelings,  angry/frustrated venting, and plain old slander come in.  I feel like it's kind of a gray area that I need guidance on.  I'm also guilty of doing it myself as I sorted thoughts and tried to find solutions out loud.  I'm not sure what is classified as sin and what isn't on either side.  I've repented of the past sins, but it isn't always clear guidelines going forward.  Lots to learn still...

S for SOURCE--Make sure you are dealing with the person who is the source of the problem and has the means to solve it. Deal directly with that person versus complaining to someone else about the problem.  

T for TIME and PLACE--Make sure that the discussion takes place at a favorable time (both of you have had time to "cool down" and are in a calm place) and in a protected, private place where you can talk in peace and you can be sure the other person is fully available. 

A for AMICABLE APPROACH--Use a "soft start-up," sharing first what you most value and appreciate about the other before moving into the discussion about the problem. Then, speak from your heart, filtering everything you say through your heart. Speak the truth in the most kind, gentle, caring, and respectful way possible. Use "I" versus "You" statements (which invite defensiveness). Express your complaint without criticizing or assassinating the other's character. 

B for OBJECTIVE BEHAVIOR--Explain what upset you, referring to the actual behavior and what happened, without moral judgment. "When you did such and such" and that's it. Example: "When you showed up late for work." Avoid such statements as-- "When you were lazy this morning and slept in." E for EMOTION--After the description of the facts must come the emotions you experienced as a result of them. Example: "When you showed up late for work, I felt disappointed and "let down" because I wanted to be at my meeting on time and I couldn't leave the office until you arrived." Avoid saying, "I felt angry" which invites defensiveness and is an emotion expressed towards another versus an expression of an inner hurt. 

N for NEED--It is very helpful to conclude by expressing the need you have. Example: "I need security at work, to know that I won't be humiliated or wounded by caustic remarks, especially from someone as important as you." Or, "I need to feel connected to you, to feel that I matter to you, even when we are surrounded with friends." 

Based directly from this source: Servan-Schreiber, Dr. David, "Enhancing Emotional Communication," In Healing Without Freud or Prozac, p185-202.

From the same book, this is one way of how to listen with our hearts, focused especially if someone is suffering.  He is a doctor, helping other doctors listen to their patients better, but these principles are helpful for us all.  He did much work in war torn Kosovo where there were no simple answers, yet he offered hope using this unique way.  The acronym is BATHE, from The 15 minute Hour by Stuart M.R. and Lieberman J.A.

1. Background- To connect with someone, you must find out what happened to give them pain (physical or emotional).  This often means listening for 2 minutes without interruption.  The person will often go on much longer, as the essentials are not in the facts but in the feelings.
2. Affect- The important question here is "How does this affect you?" or "How does it make you feel?"
3. Trouble- This is the step we all want to avoid, but the most necessary one.  The one to dive down deep to the bottom is then what gets us back up to the top.  "And what troubles you the most?" It may seem discourteous or indecent when someone is suffering, but also is the magic that helps the person see for themself what to do when they are muddled by overwhelming emotions.  We tend to actually have the answers ourselves, we often just can't see them clearly, if at all.
4. Handling- After giving a voice to the emotions, then capitalize on the energy by asking, "And what helps you the most to handle this?"  That turns their attention from the problem to the solutions.  Even when we see people we love in their weakest moments, we must never underestimate their capacity to deal with the most difficult of circumstances.  We all are stronger and more resilient than we think.  Our role as bystander/family/friend is being present with them in their time of suffering, instead of offering a panoply of solutions and clumsily taking on their problems. 
   
5. Empathy- Part of the way we help our loved ones is by sending them off with the confidence that (a) someone cares about them, (b) they are not alone but have an ally in their struggle, and that (c) they are strong enough to carry on and handle what is ahead.  Pain can be like a big weight around our neck, and by talking to someone about it (and by them responding that they heard the pain in your voice), the path of pain will be decreased.

As I learn more myself, I can see how I've lacked through the years (Don't worry, I knew I was bad at communicating, I just didn't know how or what to do about it). I'm finding all these tools work better on new people, not those who I have years or decades of bad habits.  Setting new boundaries for healthier communication is harder than it sounds!  

It Didn't Start With You ~ book review

 

What can I say?   Just this.  This book was a tough one to read.  I had to dig deep, and I had to be honest with myself yet again.  These answers to my many questions have not come at all in the ways I've expected, that's for sure.  And they have come at just the right times too.  One thing that Debra Fileta says over and over on her podcasts, is that God gives us healing when He knows we're ready for it.  One layer at a time, not too many all at once.  I have to believe this is true, hard as it's been to muck through.  I often wonder if I have expected too much out of life, to have so many questions that I just didn't know what to do about.  Or if the seeking was intentional for my own healing in the right time.  I tend to lean towards the second.  Also, as our children get older, I see similar traits in them that may have been chalked up to "genetics" or perhaps to good/bad parenting, but truly may also be rooted in our past generations trauma and epigenetics (how our genes are turned off or on due to environmental factors).  This book was just what I needed to take the next step in healing.  I don't  necessarily like to use the word "trauma", for I feel it's never explained well, and it's far overused, but in this case I will.  My family has had some trauma in it.  So has yours. It's all different, it's all affected us, it's all being passed down to your children and mine.  That's just the way it is.

Exodus 34:7

“Keeping mercy for thousands, forgiving iniquity and transgression and sin, and that will by no means clear the guilty; visiting the iniquity of the fathers upon the children, and upon the children's children, unto the third and to the fourth generation.”

This is where I'm going to go today.  This book by Mark Wolynn is focused on healing the epigenetic changes our bodies have been programmed with due to trauma in prior generations.   He uses scientific information from Bruce Lipton in The Genie In Our Genes and also Norman Doidge's The Brain that Changes Itself and Rachel Yehuda who has extensively studied the Holocaust and it's affects on future generations.  Through this information the conclusion is that we tend to inherit the most trauma from our mother's mother's mother.  The reason for this is simple.  The egg cells that make us eventually, were already formed in our grandmother when she was in the womb of our great grandmother.  Men make new sperm continuously, so it affects the generation here and now, but the egg cells are 3 generational.  Pretty interesting, hey?!

"The emotional history you share with your family began even before you were conceived. When your grandmother was five months pregnant with your mother, the egg that will eventually become you was already present in your mother’s womb. That means you, your mother and your grandmother all shared the same biological environment. Whatever your grandmother experienced—her traumas, her sadness, her grief—can become your emotional inheritance."

The focus of this book is to turn our judgement towards our family into compassion.  To see your family's history as valuable instead of hurtful.  (We all tend to focus on what we didn't get in our childhoods, as a protection mechanism to prevent more hurt, but...we all have hurt from childhood.  No parent was perfect.  No parent can see the future.  Every parent is new on the job and doesn't know what to do in many situations).  There is never a hint of blame necessary here, but only healing from the traumas and hurts.  We may never repair our relationship with those who raised us, but we can view it differently; from a place of compassion, forgiveness and healing.  Even if they are now dead.  Even if your parents and grandparents never change from who they are today.  The changes will be in you instead.

So what trauma do I know about on this side of my family?  Well, here's a glimpse.

This is my great grandmother below with my Grandma Ada Smith Kurtti as a young girl.  Her name was Briita Charlotta Pell (then married name Smith, then Ofverberg).  She was a twin, whose mother died at her birth.  Her mother (Grandma Maaherra) did not die in childbirth, but died in the week following due to an infection caused by an inexperienced midwife.  (The experienced midwife that had delivered all the prior children was attending another birth at the time).  The twins got fanned out to family and to be nursed by various aunts and relatives.    Her father did remarry and have 3 more children by a stepmother (Grandma Niemi).  When Briita was 11, this stepmother died of typhoid along with her 18 year old sister Amanda.  Since she hadn't been a very nice stepmother, no one was really too sad when she died.  Their father then remarried again, this time to a lovely woman in her 40s (Grandma Ojala).  She treated the children very kindly, and all the combined children loved her.  At some point hereabouts, there was a prairie fire, and the whole family was out fighting it.  The littlest girl (4) was trying to help as well, and her dress got caught on a fence, and she was burned badly and subsequently died a week later from the burns.  It was devastating for all to lose their much loved baby sister.

Briita then grew up, and I don't know many details in these years, but just that she wasn't walking with the Lord as she had been raised with.  She moved to "the city" (Portland, OR) and somehow met and married Mr. Smith, who was a carnie who worked at Oaks Amusement Park.  He had been a former boxer and was from England and that's about all we knew about him.  They married when she was about 27, and then when Briita was 3 months pregnant with my grandma, he left her never to return.  She then returned home to the farm (Pendleton, OR), and stayed at an expectant mothers home until the baby was born.  There was a lovely motherly lady there that cared for her during her pregnancy, and my Grandma Ada was named after her.  Interestingly, another cousin of Grandma's had a similar fate and was named Ada after the same wonderful lady.  When Briita went back home with her new baby, her father (who was very concerned with the spiritual life of his children) said, "how can anything good come of this baby?!"  Little did he know that Grandma would be raised mostly by her Christian grandparents (as her single mother had to work) and who would help turn the hearts of that middle generation back to the Lord.

 

Briita eventually filed for divorce due to desertion (after the required 7 years) and remarried Mr. Ofverberg.  They never had any children, so Grandma was raised as an only child.  Mr. Ofverberg died by suicide (1946) many years later (he had severe chronic pain due to a logging injury), and my Grandma said his death was harder on her and her mother than even the deaths of Steve and Sara her children.  Grandma and Great Grandma were very close, and talked through his death for a good 2 years trying to grieve and seek healing.  My Great Grandma loved her 10 grandchildren dearly, and felt that she finally could love on them in a way that healed her after so much loss.  She lived with my Mom's family until her death from breast cancer in 1955 (my Mom was 5).

18Numbers 14:18 The LORD is longsuffering, and of great mercy, forgiving iniquity and transgression, and by no means clearing the guilty, visiting the iniquity of the fathers upon the children unto the third and fourth generation.

Grandma K, Grandma S (before she married my Grandpa S), Grandpa K, and I don't know who the rest are.

When I was talking to my aunt about some of the details listed above, it brought me to tears how much loss my Grandma and Great Grandma endured.  The feelings of lack of attachment when the first mother died, the replacement mean stepmother, losing both her older and younger sisters, the desertion/rejection/betrayal of husband/father, and an brother/uncle that also died (when my Grandma turned 5, they were having a birthday party for her, and her favorite uncle didn't show up.  They later found out he was in the hospital with tetanus, and he subsequently died of it), the death by suicide, the loss of 2 children tragically (Steve in the Vietnam War at age 23, Sara was hit by a car at age 3).  My Grandma also was 8 months pregnant with her 2nd child when Pearl Harbor was bombed.  My Grandpa had just been put in the hospital with TB for the first time (in Seattle, 4 hours away, and she had no car so couldn't see him).  She had to go live with her parents, and got a job at the Hockinson Chevron station while her parents watched the toddler and baby.  She then would go home on her breaks to nurse her baby.  He was hospitalized more times as well, and also had a hard time finding work due to his health history. I see now more clearly how this has shaped the fears and the resilience of my Mom's family.  It's not all bad, but it does shape us.  My Grandma K had told my Dad when he wanted to marry my Mom, "are you sure you want to marry into this family?  It's fraught with tragedy!"  It just was what it was in many ways.

In the book, he tells how each child is affected by the traumas differently, even though it seems that some are more affected than others.  Traits like self-awareness, ability to self-soothe, and ability to heal affect us all.  Birth order and gender play a big part as well.  We can reshape our thoughts which in turn reshape our genes, which alters the structure and health of our cells, which in turn reshapes our brain.  "We can't change our DNA, but we can change the way it functions, which is basically the same thing". (~Rachel Yehuda).

When we start uncovering details of our family's history, we can start to make sense of our own present emotions, memories and sensations.  We can then begin seeing them as the past, which means we don't have to live in them in the present.  It is easier to blame others in our relationships (when they don't understand where we're coming from), but often what we think is normal in our own family, really isn't.  It's often unhealthy coping mechanisms due to the aforementioned traumas that our ancestors endured.  But, if we really dig deep in our own family, that's where we can find healing through Christ.  He can turn ashes into beauty, as He did in many ways in my Grandma's family.  She has a legacy of faith and faithfulness, as well as many souls being saved in the process of suffering.  But, that doesn't mean it didn't come without a cost in emotional pain, and lack of healthy communication.

Any time we struggle with relationships, we need to look back and see if we've healed our own relationships with our parents.  He explains how these unhealed places spill out onto all our other relationships.  Our fears, our losses, our perceptions.  In the book he tells how to do this and why.  

This one below is one I struggle with.  I'm seeking it's root but haven't found it yet.  We never know what our parents or grandparents were going through emotionally in those early years of our life.  We only see a small glimmer of a picture "as through a glass darkly" as the Bible says.

To go with the last one....

How much of our behavior is shaped by our ancestors?  Answer: A lot.

Often how we judge each other, is in areas where we feel shame ourself.  Everything is deeper than we think.

How do we change patterns of behavior if we think it's normal because it's all we've ever known?!

Every family has pain.  Every child will have some needs not met.  Every family needs healing.

How have you not healed from some kind of grief?  Your parents?  How are your needs now based in that? 

Marriage hits this home.  Again and again.  Here's an article on how our relationships with our spouse is shaped by the relationship with our parents.

One of the main things he has you recognize in this book, is the common words or phrases that your family uses.  What words stick out, what words describe things, what words are meaningful to you.  Because words do matter and will give you hints on where you need to heal.  He asked a lot of questions in the book that help you delve more into this.  Be ready for some deep digging!

I've always struggled with this too...

And many of us can relate to this with whatever health issues we're facing...

Many times misunderstandings are at the root.  Working through these (owning our own!) is hard but so beneficial.  

The only person we can change is ourself.  And as we heal, so will our relationships.  He has a list of 21 things that erode intimacy with our spouses based on our childhood experiences.  He explains each one in detail in the book, and how it affects our current relationships.

1. You had a difficult relationship with your mother.
2. You reject, judge or blame a parent.
3. You are merged with the feelings of a parent.
4. You experienced an interruption in the early bond with your mother.
5. You took care of a parent's feelings.
6. Your parents were unhappy together.
7. Your parents didn't stay together.
8. Your parent or grandparent jilted a former partner.
9. Your mother's great love broke her heart.
10. Your father's great love broke his heart.
11. Your parent or grandparent remained alone (after being left or death).
12. Your parent or grandparent suffered in marriage.
13. Your parent was disparaged or disrespected by the other parent.
14. Your parent died young.
15. One of your parents mistreated the other.
16. You hurt a former partner.
17. You've had too many partners.
18. You've had an abortion or gave a child up for adoption.
19. You were your mother's confidant.
20. You were your father's favorite.
21. Someone in the family didn't marry.

There's so much more in the book on how to heal from all this, but here's a snapshot of quotes to get you started.  I'm still processing it all myself prayerfully working through the key words and phrases that came up for my family.