10 more random thoughts about shame and healing

Every time I write a blog post, I let it sit in draft for a few days or weeks so I can add thoughts or edit errors.  Even though I do this, each time I post it I find more ideas to add or more errors to correct.  It's never just right, there's always things to fix or correct...but that's ok...I'm not writing a book, just penning a few thoughts and ideas.  This time around though, I had enough extra thoughts to do a whole 'nother post on the same subject, of the random thoughts that came to me after the last one was done.   So here goes (in no particular order)...

 

1)  The one thing Greg told me when I had my breakthrough, was also so healing.  He told me that ever since he's met me over 20 years ago, I've had this inner guard, an inner tension or turmoil that he could see that I couldn't get free from.  He didn't even know what it was or where it came from, so he never mentioned it for fear it would make things worse.  He's prayed for me so often that I could be free of whatever that bondage was.  When things started to unravel a few years back, he prayed more earnestly that maybe finally this would be it.  He was right.  I did have lots of stuff to untangle.

He told me that he's so proud of me for pushing through the hard of it all and not just stuffing it away or ignoring it, and trying to carry on as if it wasn't bothering me (I did that for too many years already).  For me digging deep and seeking answers even though it meant coming up with things that were hard to take, or even to explain or understand.  But seeing their importance is what has brought clarity, in a way I wouldn't have expected.  The crisis brought the alerts, the alerts brought the questions, the questions needed answers, the answers brought the peace.

2)  Another thing I've learned over these past few years is to trust my own intuition.  Part of the discord in sorting out the information told to me was that the story I was being told didn't line up with my observations.  There was a huge mismatch, and I didn't know what to do with that.  What was truth?  What was exaggerated?  What was lies (whether intentional or not)?  Did I have absolutely no perception of things, and was I just supposed to believe people's words 100%?  It was a huge monster to sort through, and then I remembered that in communication, only a small portion of communication is actually our words.  According to one source I found, only 7% is words, then 38% is tone of voice, and lastly 55% is body language and facial expression.  The mismatch was true.  I had years of observations to draw from at this point.   I have plenty of healthy relationships to compare to.  And the answer wasn't pretty.  I'm guessing the mismatch was rooted in shame (here it is again!)  Defending against a lifetime of shame can easily end up in the lying/exaggerating/defensive territory, most often unintentional.  We don't want the reproach.  We're scared to admit we *might* have been in the wrong.  But the truth is that we're never as innocent as we'd like to portray to others.  Telling the truth means we have to admit to our sin, our failures, our shortcomings, our fears, and this is really hard.  Especially if we've been deflecting for a long time or lifetime.  We can betray ourselves with these habits, and then we betray those we love as well.

Jordan Peterson helped me bring that word to this thing I've been muddling through.  It's not a word that would have been on my radar in the least, but he explains it so thoroughly in this video.   https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=FYUjo7zvz4A

He says, "If you betray me, then I have to see you differently.  You know, if we've interacted for a long time, then I've built up quite a model of you, you know.  It's taken a tremendous amount of effort to generate, and I may have used that model for a predicate for all sorts of other plans, which is what you do with an intimate relationship.  So then, if you do something that indicates a true mismatch, it isn't only that I have to adjust my actions, God only knows what I'm going to have to retool.  I may even have to retool my perceptions of myself.  I'm a lot more gullible than I thought I was, for example.  If you're close to me and you could do this to me, is that my flaw?  Am I carrying that into other relationships?  It's an absolute catastrophe."

3)  I also had/have a whole list of unhealthy coping strategies as listed below.  Although I'd like to think they are virtues (sometimes they are), most often they are just my own neediness and insecurities and fears rearing their ugly head.  I want to avoid conflict, I want to avoid more pain, I want to be helpful.  I've always said that our greatest strengths are also our greatest weaknesses, and this rings true again.   Our gifts can turn around and bite us fairly often.  Oh, well.  Learning as I go!

4)  In the book, the Powerful Purpose of Introverts, author Holley Gerth uses this chart to describe how we introverts often differ in our types of perfection (which is also rooted in avoiding shame, by the way.  Surprise, surprise!!)  We tend to focus on relationships; not on the home, lawn, & perfect image.  Any person might look at me and say, "wow, she sure isn't a perfectionist", but the truth is that I've hung onto mediocre relationships far longer than I should have because I didn't want to be the one to let it go.  I really can't think of any relationship where I was the one to let go first, except perhaps dating ones where I could see that they weren't going to work into marriage and I had to.  And I still felt incredibly guilty doing even that.

5)  A random question you might ask, is how come I didn't believe all my guilt forgiven and be free from it?  Haven't I heard the gospel preaching of God's grace and forgiveness year in and year out, decade in and out?  Why was I not able to believe it?  Well, funny you ask.  The reason is that with shame, we/you didn't do anything wrong.  There's nothing to confess, nothing to make right, no sin present.  So, you feel the weight of the guilt of what seems like sin, but there's no sin.   You haven't done anything wrong, you just feel like you have.  So, you see no way to confess (nor do you have anyone to confess to, because you didn't do anything wrong).  We can't fix something that we don't know is broken.  And shame leaves us feeling broken, even though we aren't.  But it does cause nasty decay!  Learning to put words to these things has been so helpful.  Otherwise it was just an anonymous big weight.

6)  I'm learning to listen more healthy too.  I realize all these years I haven't been very compassionate nor empathetic, even though I thought I was.  There definitely is a balance in healthy vs unhealthy, and at this point I can't define what that means.  When we come from a place of healing, we don't have to feel threatened or helpless at other people's pain.  We can just sit and listen, and carry on.  We don't have to fix, help, or take the burden on ourselves somehow.  I know of many people who can do this, and I'm learning from them.  One day at a time, for sure.  And because every relationship is different, there isn't a set formula for what empathy looks like.  Or validation.  This chart below gives a bit of an idea to go off, but it's not a formula of what to say, is it?!  

7)  I've been also driving the kids out to strawberry picking each day (2 hours in the car by myself) and I've been listening to Debra Felita's podcast  which has been very helpful.  She has been interviewing all kinds of random people who have struggled with getting emotionally, spiritually, physically and mentally healthy; and hearing their journeys have given me a few answers on my own, and given me hope.  It's shown me where I'm doing fine, and where I still need improvement.  As long as we're alive, we can always make new pathways of healing.  We all have picked up unhealthy baggage somewhere along the way that's weighing us down.

8)  Link below to a video about what the emotional picture of Nat Mur people look like.  Very fascinating~

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-aDnagxTdZo

9)  I've now started going to the gym (with a personal trainer) again after 20+ years.  It's brutal, but worth it.  Being brave and trying new things is also a good way to heal.  What new thing (or old thing that you haven't done in quite a while) could you try?  Every time we're brave, we grow.  I used to be brave, but it's been far too many years of being bogged down and I didn't have the mental or physical energy.  I'd say all this crap I've be sorting through has probably taken up 80%+ of my mental energy, each and every day.  Now that I'm getting free of it, I can be thankful more.  I can enjoy life again.  I can think happy thoughts.  It still gets me down now and then, but at least I recognize it and can redirect my thoughts as is possible.  I'm also trying to laugh more (harder than it sounds) and listening to live music whenever the chance comes up.  Somehow live music makes me come alive.  Doesn't really matter if it's a classical concert or a country band at the fair, it gets into my soul and does some healing there.  Our friend Carl recently recorded the song "Storms Never Last" (an old Waylon Jennings and Jessi Coulter song) and that one has been the best.  I could listen to it over and over and over.  

Journaling is helpful too.  Listing things down is healing but it's also really scary.  Writing my fears down on paper is actually much harder than I thought it would be.  Even if no one reads them.  Somehow, in my mind, I think that if I write them down then for sure they'll happen.  But, writing them down also stops giving them power over me.  It's all good, but it's hard to keep on writing in my journal.  Most days I don't want to.  Writing here seems easier, because I don't go so deep and personal.  So, I do both.  Saying your fears out loud can be just as helpful.  Calling them out reduces their power over us.  Say it just to yourself and see what happens.  Call out your anger, your frustrations, your unsolvable problems that overwhelm you.  Saying all these things can be healing instead of bottling them up inside and letting them simmer until they are nice and overwhelming and they come out in unexpected ways and places.  The Psalms are full of "crying unto the Lord", and we can learn from this.  Quiet, whispered controlled prayers sometimes aren't enough.  Sometimes we need to follow King David's cries.

10)  The last aspect to add today to this mess is death.  Lots of deaths.  8 in the last 2 years of people close to us.  6 of those people were under the age of 50, which really shakes you to the core.  I'm not saying that we've had it the worst because we certainly aren't even close, but I just want to acknowledge that each death has had it's unique impact and it's grief in it's own way that doesn't go unnoticed.  For 3 of them, I woke up the morning they died with a "heaven" song in my head.  I knew they were going home that day, which was hard to fathom but still unavoidable.  That's our goal as Christians, and they've reached it!  Even Collene, who didn't completely understand faith and all it entails, but wanted to believe.  Another child died also last fall, but I didn't include him on the list due to never meeting him, but I grew up with his Dad.  My heart hurts for their loss too, as we have a boy the same age.

• Christine, friend  ("Where the Roses Never Fade")
  
• Rosa (and daughter Juniper), friend
• David, brother-in-law ("Abide With Me")
• Dan, family friend
• Collene, childhood friend
• Orval, our newly appointed pastor of 2 months ("Oh I Know a Land So Wondrous Fair")
• Greg's Grandma Davidson

Resources for further study~

Luther's Commentary on Galations

(if you want to be reminded who you are in Christ, how nothing you do or don't do changes that)

When Strivings Cease by Ruth Chou Simons

(understanding shame, honor based societies, grace)

The Powerful Purpose of Introverts: Why the World Needs You to Be You by Holley Gerth

(for those of us who have trouble finding joy, being ourself, feeling like we're enough as an introvert)

Tired of Trying to Measure Up

As I seek to get stronger and heal, I see how many of my mindsets are rooted in shame.  Not from God (I have a right relationship with Him, and I understand my place in the world in His eyes), but with people.  Our church was also focused on the preaching of grace and not shame as well; but many other sources still surfaced.  Public school is a biggie (performance based teaching styles and comparisons), and sinful kids is also another biggie.  Bullying, name calling, pointing out our weaknesses, insecurities, etc. all lead to shame.  I'm going to go through some of the criteria that make a "shame-grid" mindset that I mentioned in the last post.  It's how we view the world, and can be rooted in our own faulty perceptions (based on experiences in our life, often with immature summaries because we were children when we made them), our family, our church, our schools, our workplace or a combination of the whole lot.  This is from Tired of Trying to Measure Up (written in 1989, not a new book), which I recommended in the last post.

1. Out-loud shaming (this is through comparing, name calling, ignoring, belittling or somehow saying that you don't measure up).
2. Performance oriented.  Relationships, value and acceptance are based on performance, however, we can never perform good enough.  None of us ever can.
3. Unspoken rules.  "Can't talk/can't win". (There are no problems here, if you bring one up, then you are the problem).  You only know the rule is there when you break it.  But there are so many.  They never end.  When they aren't talked about, they have control over people.
4. Shame systems code when they talk.  To shift blame and avoid criticism, everything must be said in code.  (Passive aggressive?)  It says what you want to say without directly saying it and owning it.  Much energy is spent deflecting.
5. Shame based families are idolatrous.  Turning to anyone other than God to meet your needs is idolatrous.  If someone's value lies in what people think of them or expect of them, this is idolatry.  Lies and "being nice" trump truth.
6. Shame based systems have a hard time with kids.  They claim they like kids, but they expect them to act about a 10 years older than they are.  Everything must be just-so.  No messes allowed, to be seen and not heard.  Kids in shame based systems get shamed a lot.
7. Shame systems are preoccupied with fault and blame.  They indict people based on behavior.  They are always looking to see who is "responsible".  And if they find them, sorry is never good enough either.
8. Shame systems are strong on "head skills". They live in defensive mode, and are always on alert because shame is hurtful.  There's lots of interrogation with no waiting for answers.  Shamed people end up being good at debating, because they are always defending themselves against attacks.
9. Shame systems are weak on "heart skills".   The only feelings allowed in a shame system are those that can be justified or understood.  Emotions are thought, not felt.  Things such as sadness, hurt, loneliness, humiliation are viewed as weakness or defectiveness.  Compliments, compassion, and empathy are reserved only for those outside the system.
10. People in shame based systems only look as if their needs are met.  They always still feel not loved or accepted, only loved and accepted if they perform, or not capable or worthwhile.  Members are all still in need, yet they are indicted for failing a standard that is impossible to fulfill.

He also goes into various types of abuse, which can be hard to define even.  His definition is this:  Person A uses his/her power, position or authority to force Person B to perform in order to meet the needs of Person A.  The end.  This can be any relationship between people.  We've been given lots of societal stereotypes, but with this definition, we can see it can be any of us using our perceived neediness to try to control someone else.   He uses an example that their family is at a church picnic, and he's the pastor.  His kids get tired and start to get whiny.   Instead of taking them home, he shames or belittles them for not behaving as well as they should.  He has put his ego/image on a higher level than his kids' need for rest and quiet.    Often these behaviors are rooted in deeper issues (a parent's own shame, unmet needs, struggle for external praise and worth).  Whenever we let the behavior of someone else define our worth, this is shame.  Easier said than done though.

He has several chapters on breaking down the behaviors that come from shame.  He calls it the "give up/try hard" cycle.  We either try harder to run faster than the shame (doing good things for our lives and others- service to the church, raising perfect children, etc.), or we give up (addictions, bad habits, doing those things we despise in others).  Many of us circle back and forth between the two, spending a good amount of time in each.  Even if we know our works don't help our salvation, we still want to portray a good reputation and look like "a good Christian".  The way to break out of these cycles is grace where we can rest.  The root of our behaviors becomes resting in what Christ has done for us, not what we can do to measure up.  These can be internal or external behaviors!  Some of us focus more on externals (things that look good to others, perfectionism), but some of us (me!) focus on helping/fixing others (internal things that we think will make suffering less and relationships improved).  We want to avoid all the pending train wrecks we see coming.  It's still about measuring up though.

There's a whole chapter on spiritual abuse, which happens fairly often too but I won't go into here as it goes in quite a bit of depth.  Basically any doctrine being taught that focuses on performance rather than what Christ has already done is going to get shame as a result.  Churches are full of shaming messages in the attempt to get people to do better and try harder.  The understanding of grace is often missing, because we all want to "feel" like we're on the right track, and grace isn't measurable.

Maybe you also wonder how we get into this shame cycle of thoughts?  First, we accept the source of information as a reliable place to get information to find out about ourselves (most often as children).  In other words, the only people that can shame us are people who we trust have the power to determine something about our value as a person.  Second, we believe that what they say is true.  Third, we come to the conclusion that we are as bad as they say we are, and thus deserve to be punished.  We become the judge, jury and are condemned in the courtroom of our mind.  So, do we give up at that point, or try harder?!  We do one or the other, which often means we do exactly what we hate in ourselves and in others.  We become a self-fulfilling prophecy.  When we find ourselves reacting strongly to shaming messages by rejecting them and defending ourselves against them, we can know that the messages have truly reached us.  The wound is open and festering.  Our guilt feels like penance for the weight we are carrying due to our defectiveness, so letting go of it isn't easy.  But, what Jesus did on the cross is the only way to lift that burden, carrying it does nothing to solve the problem.  I wish I knew that decades ago.  Sigh.

So, how do we heal? We start talking. We bring the darkness into the light. We need the renewal of our minds by Jesus, and we need the fight of faith. We're tired, oh so tired. We believe that God didn't give the law so we could be good enough, He gave it so we could realize we can't do it. We need a Savior. Do you believe your behavior has any power to indict or vindicate you? You need to believe in grace as a gift, a true gift. And rest in that. Just because we feel defective, doesn't mean we are. We don't have to prove our worth to anyone. Anything from which you and I try to acquire life, value or meaning; outside of God Himself is idolatry. Even if we are doing lots of good, positive behaviors aimed at generating life and acceptability, these are still sin if our hearts are idolatrous. A common habit might be to replace negative behaviors with positive behaviors, but these are still walking by the flesh and are still sin.  You're trying to meet your own needs to get a sense of acceptance and fulfillment in something other than God. These habits either lead to shame or self-righteousness ("I can't do it", or "I can do it!") I've talked about this so many times before. Grace is that middle road of healing and our only hope.  This is the rest cycle on the top of the chart below.  Instead of swinging between trying hard and giving up, we can go above the dotted line into the rest cycle.  Sure there are times we'll dip down below again, but it should be a reminder to again rest in what Jesus has done for us.

I highlighted so much stuff in this book, that there's no way to write everything here, but you'll have to just read it yourself.  How does healing come in my life?  For me it's coming day by day as I evaluate every thought and action, to see if it's based in shame or based in God's truth.  It's a renewing of my mind, to separate my thoughts and build new patterns (neuroplasticity!), based in truth and not shame.  It's not easy, and I do understand it'll be a lifetime of changes.  We all deal with shame to some degree, if we're human.  But letting it rule us is the problem.  And let it damage who we know we are in Christ.  He's forgiven it all, He's got us in the palm of His hand!  It's all those real people we still have to deal with that are the hard part though, hey?!

Romans 12:2 And be not conformed to this world: but be ye transformed by the renewing of your mind, that ye may prove what is that good, and acceptable, and perfect, will of God.

You may feel some overwhelming emotions come out when you start to discover this.  You've been stifling them for so long (or overreacting to them is another common reaction), that it may come in torrents.  Or you may need to prod them along in order to heal (me!).  It will cause a great deal of pain as you start to acknowledge what's been hidden inside, festering year in and year out.  Your wounds need healing, and that's a good thing.  Just because we haven't been showing our emotions, doesn't mean we don't have them; we're just good at hiding them.  But, this is  toxic in the long run.  Toxic emotions being bottled up are just as toxic as ingesting chemicals into our bodies.  How's that suit you?! 

He only has a couple exercises to do in the book, and I think they are good ones.   They just help us see where our mindsets are, whether they are rooted in God's truth or shame.  One of them is called, "Who Gets To Be God" and this is to help us see that when something goes wrong, how do we look at things?  Do we think we caused it, and somehow we can fix it?  Are we investing too much time in things that are actually God's domain?  So basically you take a piece of cardstock, and write any troublesome situation on it.  Every time you think about someone or something that you think you should make turn out okay, you put it in a drawer you've labelled GOD on the front (with masking tape).  Every time you find yourself worrying or overthinking about the problem, go get that awkward 8 1/2x11 cardstock out of the drawer and carry it around with you until you're willing to hand it back over to God (put it back in the drawer).  This is basically a time thing.  How much time and energy is being spent trying to play God over situations out of your control.  This exercise isn't to pretend to give it over to Him either.  Or to "pray" continually, and pretend that isn't categorized as worrying/controlling too.  It's just to make us conscious of how much time and/or energy we spend with things out of our control, pretending we are somehow in control of them.  

"Because the Gospel has defined everything about who we are, we don't have to pretend we're sinless.  We don't have to keep up appearances.  There's only one reputation that means anything now, and it's not ours.  I can afford to look like a sinner, because I have a Savior who loves sinners."

~Elyse Fitzpatrick

After I wrote this, I realized I switched back and forth from writing in the first person (me/we) to the second person (you).  I'm not sure how to correct this without rewriting it all.  Hopefully it still makes sense.  I also am just sharing things as I learn them, so if you have more insight or resources into the topics at hand, I'd love for you to share them with me.  Or if you want to share your own experiences, I'd love to hear them and have a chat as well.