Low Anthropology, The Big Relief and Seculosity book reviews

 I have been reading these three books all spring, summer and fall thus far.  I just finished Low Anthropology by David Zahl, so I'll hit on that first.  The reason this has taken so long is because there is just so. much. good. stuff in these books.  Almost every paragraph had gems worth digesting, so reading one chapter per week was about all I could absorb!  It hit home in so many ways, and gave an opportunity to change our views to one of more grace for ourselves and for others (which we all desire as believers).  I'm not going to write much of my own thoughts, because I honestly can't figure out how to even sum up each chapter.  I'm going to post reviews and some YouTube videos that you can check out on your own.

From Amazon~

"In Low Anthropology, popular author and theologian David Zahl explores how our ideas about human nature influence our expectations in friendship, work, marriage, and politics. We all go through life with an "anthropology"—an idea about what humans are like, our potentials and our limitations. A high anthropology—thinking optimistically about human nature—can breed perfectionism, anxiety, burnout, loneliness, and resentment. Meanwhile, Zahl invites listeners into a biblically rooted and surprisingly life-giving low anthropology, which fosters hope, deep connection with others, lasting love, vulnerability, compassion, and happiness.

"Zahl offers a liberating view of human nature, sin, and grace, showing why the good news of Christianity is both urgent and appealing. By embracing a more accurate view of human beings, listeners will discover a true and lasting hope."

A few of my favorite sections in the book, in no specific order and with no particular correlation:

"People will do anything, no matter how absurd, in order to avoid facing their own souls." ~Carl Jung.  Avoiding low anthropology is both the easiest and hardest thing in the world. It's easy because we are surrounded by countless strategies for sidestepping evidence of our limitations, inconsistency and self-centeredness, and doubleness (the inner conflict Paul speaks about in Romans 7:19 For the good that I would I do not: but the evil which I would not, that I do. Now if I do that I would not, it is no more I that do it, but sin that dwelleth in me.)

In regards to fundamentalist Christianity, "sin was/is the inflexible yardstick by which we measure others". Actions, words, even thoughts aren't safe from scrutiny. The list of sinful offenses seems infinite. Sin served as a foundation for self-loathing, a vehicle for shame and repression and all manner of judgement. But the prevailing thought was that sin could be avoided if you just tried hard enough. Settings where faith looks like more of a sin-management program rather than a dynamic relationship with a loving God is high anthropology. Church should be the one safe place to bring our shame and shortcomings, not the place where extra helpings are handed out. We can never underestimate the fallout of these legalistic forms of religion that all of us can be handing out or on the receiving end of and/or suffering the aftermath of.

High anthropology folks distance themself from "wrongdoers" because they believe that those who do wrong are a different type of person than they themselves are. When we realize that other people may express their pain differently than we do, we can have compassion not judgement. Not labeling them as a bigot, a rageaholic, or whatever label we might want to put on them. Low anthropology takes the uncomfortable position that resists categories. So called "bad people" are capable of doing good, and so called "good people" are capable of doing bad. This does not excuse anyone's actions, but helps us to see that we ourselves can be the bully or the abuser instead of trying to rid the world of "bad guys".

Basically, any time we think that other people could and should do better than they are if they'd just try a little harder (even though we know that we can't), we're coming from a place of high anthropology.  Or if we think that if they just had more and more of the *right information* they would do *the right thing* (even though more information doesn't fix our own doubleness problem).  A low anthropologic view says that we're all sinners in need of God's grace and that He's always trying to draw us closer to Himself, through all our life's experiences.

• Low Anthropology Interview, and another one on 1517.
• Chad Bird's book review on 1517.org
• Low Anthropology | Wisconsin Lutheran Seminary

________

__

The next book is The Big Relief, also by David Zahl.

From the back cover~

"We could all use a little--or a lot--of relief from the pressures of life. And there is no bigger relief than the grace of God.

"In The Big Relief, popular author David Zahl spotlights grace as the most important, urgent, and radical contribution Christianity has to offer the world. He helps us understand the beauty and depth of grace, outlining how it provides relief from the guilt, status anxiety, and accelerating demand that characterize so much of modern life. Drawing on the witness of Scripture and a wide variety of contemporary examples, he unpacks the theology of grace in a fresh way, exploring its many fruits--such as freedom, play, surrender, humility, rest, surprise, and joy.

"Zahl invites us to embrace Christianity as a refuge rather than as a project, a beacon of hope instead of a vehicle of shame, and a harbor of refreshment in a worn-out world."

"The central hope (and scandal, and paradox, and challenge) of Christian faith, brought down brilliantly to ground level for all of us weary souls."
--Francis Spufford, author of Unapologetic and Light Perpetual

"The Big Relief is more than a good read; it's a breath of fresh air and a burden lifted all at the same time. Zahl calls us to lay down the heavy loads of performance and anxiety and reminds us--once again--that all is grace."
--Hannah Anderson, author of Turning of Days: Lessons from Nature, Season, and Spirit

"The Big Relief reminds us that grace is a party, a piñata exploding with God's best candy, a free and never-ending gift. This book just might help you fall back in love with the weirdest, wildest theological concept in all creation."
--Harrison Scott Key, author of How to Stay Married and The World's Largest Man

• Chad Bird's review here on 1517.org
• Why David Zahl wrote the book
• The Big Relief: The Urgency of Grace for a Worn-Out World  by David Zahl

___________

The last one (which was written first) is Seculosity also by David Zahl.

This one focuses on "enoughness".  How many things measure our enoughness in this world, and how exhausting that is.  How we've replaced justification from God with self-justification from people and things around us to be viewed as enough.  And how someone is always measuring if we're enough.  How the church has become a place of measuring it (reproach anyone?), when it should be a relief from it.

"Zahl writes in Seculosity of our desire or yearning to be counted or recognized as “enough” by society. To be “enough” one must be successful in career achievements that come with important accolades, financial remuneration and recognition. Our success as parents starts with which child-raising models we follow and which pre-school we got our child into before s/he was even born. To be enough we must adopt the latest technological gizmos designed to make our lives shine above all others. To be enough we must consume the right foods/beverages and exercise regimen that produces the “correct” physical body. Being enough also requires one to subscribe to the right political movement or thought. And of course, one needs the right romantic partner or spouse to cap off one’s “enoughness.” " [source]

Ways this might play out in our own lives (the titles of the chapters)? Seculosity of busyness, romance, parenting, technology, work, leisure, food, politics, Jesusland (when church itself becomes another place to assert your enoughness &/or righteousness instead of a place to receive it). If you can succeed in keeping off of it in one area, you can be assured you'll find yourself guilty in another.  We can't escape it.  And then what to do about them all. (PS, again it's all grace).  

For example, instead of just actions being bad/good (Biblical sin or not), now our food is labelled bad/good and then it defines whether we are bad/good if we eat those things.  Controlling our weight (or lack thereof) determines our moral success or failure.  And it's ok to judge others by these standards (which it's not).  It's just another form of legalism in it's simplest definition (adding rules to Scripture that aren't in Scripture).  This also goes for where we eat/won't eat, what we eat/don't eat, organic/non, fast food/slow food, imported food/local food, home grown/store bought all have a measurement of good/bad to them.  And we subconsciously or consciously measure our own choices and those of others by these standards.  There's even a new eating disorder called orthorexia "which starts as an innocent attempt to eat more healthfully, but then we become so fixated on quality and purity...every day is a new chance to eat right, and do "good" and rise above others in dietary prowess, and self-punish if temptation wins (usually through stricter eating, fasts and exercise).  Self-esteem becomes wrapped up in the purity of the diet, and they feel superior to others, especially in regard to food intake."  These people often end up malnourished because their life becomes so stressful that their personal relationships suffer and social isolation ensues.  It becomes an obsessive pulse taking of enoughness.  We can't love or serve one another when we're so busy measuring ourselves or our loved ones.  That's just one example from the book of the ways Seculosity plays out in our lives.

This can also happen in the cultural field.  When churches start to get involved in cultural shifts/conflicts (immigration, prejudice, etc), they have little to say to the perpetrators of the inequality.  The said sinners in the equation.  Forgiveness has to be earned in these cases, instead of a common understanding of sinfulness and the common need for mercy from an all-powerful God.  The church has become a schoolhouse only for saints at this point (that I agree with).  What seems like a good cause can become just more do-gooding to measure if we're enough.  We want others to see our activism, our dedication to the cause, our sacrifices.  Our moral superiority becomes very apparent! (circle back to high and low anthropology)

The long and short of it all comes down to this: knowing what we should do or be does not give us the ability to do or be these things.  For example, if a friend tells you to "just relax", it rarely works as commanded.  The human heart always has and always will be in conflict with itself.  Religions of control work for a short while because they appeal to our yearning for control, but eventually they run out of steam because of this reality.  They promise joy and peace, but ultimately deliver anxiety, self-consciousness and loneliness and thus despair.  Christianity offers hope through grace, if we believe in justification by faith.  There's not much more to it, unless of course you read my post on legalism and moralism which most (all?) of us succumb to at some point or another to try to be "enough" by the people we know and thus think that's what God requires as well.  How do we remedy all this?

1. We speak more about death than we already do.  Our never-enoughness doesn't compute in the language of eternity.
2. We focus on human motivation (hearts) rather than behavior.  We're all in more bondage than we admit, more sinful than we think and so is everyone else.  "What the heart desires, the will chooses and the mind justifies". Everyone you meet is in the same dire condition.
3. Fundamentally Christ-centered, meaning not church centered nor consumer centered.  Grace- centered Christianity exclaims loudly "nothing that needs to be done hasn't already been done" (by Christ)

Thinking Fellows podcast interviewing David Zahl on this book (really good!)

1 Thess 3:11Now God himself and our Father, and our Lord Jesus Christ, direct our way unto you.

12And the Lord make you to increase and abound in love one toward another, and toward all men, even as we do toward you:

13To the end he may stablish your hearts unblameable in holiness before God, even our Father, at the coming of our Lord Jesus Christ with all his saints.

ego

Earlier this spring I was reading a devotional book, and one of the prayers was about asking for God's abundance (Eph 3:20), and I realized that I've never believed that I deserved God's abundance, only other people did.  I started to ponder how often a scarcity mindset seems to run the show, and that often it does so in an attempt to stay "humble" and not get "prideful". (I put them in quotations as these are beliefs and not actually true.  We can be both at any given time. Remember the "two things are true" idea?!)  But, after a few months of pondering, I came across a book that went into depth about the ego, and realized this is what was driving the train in many aspects of my life, and likely yours too.  So, here is some thoughts in a nutshell.  There's lots of varying ideas about it, and it can get kind of woo-woo really quick, so I'll just keep it to basic beliefs and actions based on those beliefs.  Being honest with ourselves is pretty hard on this one too!!

Ego is the fearful, small-minded part that sees life as limited, scarce, competitive and hard to handle.  It sounds like our own thoughts because it's internal.  It sounds like a "voice of reason", good sense or self-preservation; but instead it is just us reliving our childhood fears and all those comments about us acting "too big for our britches".  The thoughts in our minds now as an adult are remnants from words said to us when we were young and foolish, and are still ringing in our ears now that we are older and fully capable.  This is our ego talking to us.

One thing that may be hard to tell is the difference between our ego and our conscience.  They both seem morally righteous; but the difference is that our conscience leads us to healing, truth and steers us right, whereas the ego is all about fear of rejection.  The ego kills our motivations and direction, while the conscience gives helpful guidance, promotes apologies and encourages the relationships.  Conscience always adds, ego subtracts and robs us of energy.  

Ego is defensive and suspicious, highly emotionally reactive and has an opinion about everything.  Much energy is spent on reactions and fears.  It can be very hard to see the difference from our true self when we've spent most of our lives building up our ego to create an identity.  Now it's time to tear it back down, and reject some of these tightly held lifelong ideas.  To study the actual evidence now vs. what we've been told about ourselves and still believe.

The Ego's "advice" for success: 

1. Chase your tail- this produces nothing but suffering, encourages indecisiveness, worrying about what you did or didn't do, and subtracts from your ability to cope with a situation.
2. Use a cannon to kill a fly- anything worth doing must be done perfectly, putting pointless effort into meaningless things.
3. Put it off- makes even simple tasks seem overwhelming and draining, procrastination is the only way to avoid the endless demands.
4. Figure out who is to blame- "they did it" is the ego's mantra, it sucks you of your own strength because you're always busy blaming someone else. (even God gets blamed regularly)
5. Trust no one- better watch your back, cynicism and suspiciousness are the way to go.  See everyone as the enemy.
6. Suspicion will make you secure- the more you suspect trouble, the more secure you'll be.  If you are always looking for the ways that things could go wrong, you'll truly feel safe.  Don't take anything at face value, life is a lot trickier than you think.  Always fretting will drain and distract you from anything valuable.
7. Think scarcity- as the ego sees it, there's not enough to go around.  Another person's gain is your loss.  Other people will always "get there first" or "use up" the limited amount of success in this world, instead of being inspired or encouraged by those who are successful.
   
8. Survival of the fittest- you believe competition should be cutthroat.  Helpful collaboration is only for weaklings.  You should be able to do everything on  your own.  Independence is revered.
9. Believe you're the best there ever was- your ego assures you that you're the best there ever was.  You're the greatest, the best and once you get going everyone will see that.  Such an inflated ego will ensure you never get going because you truly suspect that you can never live up to those expectations.
10. Anything worth doing should be easy- nothing in life should demand too much sustained effort or be very hard.  If a goal is that hard, and causes anxiety then you weren't supposed to do it.  Success is only a lofty goal, not something that can actually be obtained.
11. Wallow in buyer's remorse- even if you're thrilled at first, the ego will make you suffer regret over your decisions.  You'll wonder if you could have gotten a better interest rate, or you'll notice noises on your new car.  Buyer's remorse only happens when you can't go back.  The point here is maximum regret when you can do nothing about it.  That's ego's destructive satisfaction.
12. Guilt is the highest moral state- the ego assures you of your goodness only if you keep feeling guilty about nothing in particular.  It tells you that guilt, sacrifice and suffering are your ticket to moral superiority.
13. Too good to be true- the ego's last resort, when you are finally getting free and succeeding, is to make you suspicious of the very things you should be grabbing with both hands.
14. Psychic permission- this is a phony ego superpower that allows people to look into the future and know that their efforts towards their dreams will have a bad outcome.  It predicts that your worst fears will come true.  It is the only time many of us are willing to admit and stand behind our psychic powers.
15. Push yourself the extra inch- in an extremely subtle maneuver that can mean the difference between giving up and success, the ego suggests we push ourselves a little further than we really want to go at the moment.  Then we will want to give up.  To test this out, do something you really enjoy a little harder and a little longer than you really want to.  This will mysteriously kill your enthusiasm after a few days and ironically you'll chalk it up to a lack of willpower and not the undermining ego.
16. Punish yourself- every time you make a mistake, the ego tells you to slam yourself hard.  It's not about making a simple error, it's about being inferior.  It somehow convinces you that your fundamental lack of self-worth will give you the incentive to succeed.  That you can hate yourself into success.  Of course this makes no sense, but in moments of weakness we may think it does.

[source...Who You Were Meant to Be]

There are many ways to make changes from this, which I won't delve into, but being aware is step number 1.  Exposing it and calling it out for what it is in our brains, just like with shame.  Don't be victim to it anymore but acknowledge it's sneakiness.  You have to learn to separate your own ideas from the pessimistic hand-me-down ideas from others.  Ego offers plausible alternatives and cautions against embarrassing mistakes, but instead it robs you of your energy and wastes time on meaningless things.  Do not let yourself be absorbed by someone else's rules, restrictions and judgements.  Each time you call out the ego, it loses power and your own strength increases.  All in all, it's just a spoilsport trying to dismantle your happiness. 

Number 2 would be getting used to using the words "I don't know".  Come to peace with the unknown.  The need to figure other people out, the need to make a judgement, the need to form an opinion.  Just get used to saying, "I don't know, I just don't know".  And it's ok to not know.

Eph. 3:20 Now unto Him that is able to do exceeding abundantly

 above all that we ask or think, according to the power that worketh in us,

Empathy. Take 1.

When I started back at counseling last spring (with my new counselor), and she asked me what I wanted out of her, I told her that my life seemed to run on guilt, shame and grief. I wanted it to run on joy, peace, and hope (and other good things). I do wholly understand that all our lives will have both, but mine has seemed to take on the first three as its propulsion forward. Yeah, not good. So, all spring we've been working on different things, and when I went to her last week with some difficulties I was having trouble navigating, she said, "I think you need to learn more about empathy". What, me?!  The one who cares about far more people than she should?  The one who has bent over backwards trying to meet everyone's needs, while neglecting my own for decades?  Me?!  Yup, codependent me.  Ouch. But, after I wrapped my head around that, I realized she was right. I had been already studying the Biblical way to comfort others on my own time and had realized that they are kind of the same thing, and I could learn a bunch. Just go sit with someone with a chronic illness (but not unto death yet) and see how the conversation goes.  And then do it again.  And again.  And don't try to save, fix, or solve a thing; just love on them and listen to them.  It's harder than you might think. That's where empathy jumps in.  So, I'm going to delve into it here (to sort it out in my own brain) on what empathy is and isn't, and how we can get better at it. I say in the title "take 1" because I'm sure I'm barely scratching the surface, and this could take another decade to parse out.

For starters, it begins when we can't/won't (each situation is different) express our feelings and emotions about a situation that we're trying to process. This would typically be a negative experience such as a conflict, awkwardness, hurt, grief or pain. Instead of knowing or saying how we actually feel (I'm sad because...), we instead tell the (often dramatic) story of how things went. The "he said/she said" of it all, which comes from our brain (not our heart) because it's safer (less vulnerable) that way. So, we (person A) find a willing listener (person B) and tell them our story. We often ending up blaming the "meany" (person C) for how things went, because we want our captive audience (B) to really see that we're hurting (although we don't actually say this, because that would show weakness). So, we instead *imply* that we're the victim (A) and the other person  (C) is the meany , and the listener (B) is just supposed to know what we're feeling by the details of the story. Understand how this is getting complicated?!

So then the listener (B) is stuck in a hard place. Often they know the "meany" (C) themselves in person, and know this is likely overexaggerated and blown out of proportion due to the underlying hurt, but they can't really say that, because that would be discrediting their friend (A) who is telling the story. If they agree with the speaker (A), then they feel like they are taking sides on a situation they really don't have the facts on. If they disagree then they are being disloyal to their friend (and it is often assumed that they are taking the meany's side (C)), when it is neither. They are just stuck in a hard place of having to choose who they think is telling the truth. Then the person who is hurting (A) is still hurting and also feeling misunderstood, and the listener (B) is stuck wondering what should be done to remedy the situation as well.  Got all that?!

Enter empathy. Empathy requires just 'holding space' (I know that's a weird phrase for me too!) by being there, listening and asking more questions to seek to understand the feelings behind the story. The story itself is hardly relevant, it's the perception that is the valuable part. Whether true or untrue, whether we agree or disagree; that's not our job to decide. Ugh. Yep. Let all that go. We are just entering into their pain with them and letting them know they are not alone. That's all. Some of us have never/rarely had this done to us, and have never learned how to do this for others. Note: this is far harder with longtime friends and family than with strangers. It's easy to offer it to strangers, but with close friends and family (with whom we have a history), to remain judgement free and unbiased seems nigh on  impossible.  If you haven't done this before, start on your kids.  They are the easiest.  No advice, no lecturing; just loving, comforting and seeking to understand them deeper when they are struggling with something.  

Why do we struggle to give empathy? Here's a few thoughts. Often we don't know how to express our own feelings so we can't enter the world of another's feelings or emotions. We've never learned these skills.

The next reason is we don't know the difference between our own feelings and those of others. We lack the boundaries to know what's our responsibility and what is the other person's responsibility. If your day is ruined because of someone else's issues or problems, that's codependency and poor boundaries. A healthy state keeps your feelings separate from other people's.

I found a list below (on Pinterest, not sure original source) that was really helpful in regards to sorting this out.  I admit I've done all of these things in a meager attempt to give (what I thought was) empathy.  I'm really good at some of them, unfortunately.  I repent of my intentions and ignorance and am trying to learn and grow from here.  I don't understand why this is so complicated, but somehow it is.  Us humans have been misled in our own thoughts and wayward ways since time immemorial, so what's new hey?!  One book I read touted a lot of this stemming from our immigrant ancestors who left their support systems of elders in "the old country" and just fended for themselves, coping the best they could without much guidance.  It also could be the "children should be seen and not heard" ramifications.

______________

EMPATHY

Giving your attention to another by either silently or verbally guessing their feelings.  For example, "Are you feeling disappointed because you wanted to be included?"  Empathy requires a willingness to enter the other's world with acceptance and respect while maintaining your self and center.  It also requires a willingness to be with someone who is in pain without trying to get them out of it.  Think of having someone tell you to "cheer up" or "calm down".  Does it work?  Has it ever worked?  Does being commanded, or even suggested to do this ever helped you feel better?

NOT EMPATHY

These are responses that you might offer in response to someone's expression of pain or celebration.  Usually when someone is expressing difficulty, empathy is what they want first.  These responses below may be helpful, but they are simply not empathy, so should be offered later on only if deemed appropriate. (Simply ask the other person!)

• Sympathy: Bringing attention back to yourself. "Oh, I'm so sorry. I feel terrible for you!"
• Advice: You assume the person needs information. "Well, what you could do is...." "You need to forgive them"
• Explain/Analyze: You believe that if you tell someone why they feel the way they do, they will feel better.  "You just feel bad because..."
• Correct: You try to point out someone's mistake in interpreting. "He didn't mean to hurt you, he was just in a hurry." 
• Console: "It will be ok.  You're ok, everything will work out."
• Tell a story: "The same thing happened to me one time...."
• Push away feelings: You might be uncomfortable so you tell others not to feel what they feel. "Come on, don't be sad" "Calm down, and take a deep breath" "It's not that big of deal"
• Investigate/Interrogate: "Why did you do that?" "What made you feel that way?"

Ugh.  Yep.  I'm an expert at them all, unfortunately.  Most of us are.  It's really hard to sit in someone else's pain with them, I'm learning when I actually throw out all these pithy platitudes to offer.  To just sit with someone in grief, or chronic illness, or mental illness, or addiction.  Or whatever they're facing.  To just sit and offer comfort to them (the book How We Love teaches how!) is so much harder (yet easier in many ways too!) than these petty advances that don't really do anything but heap shame on the listener for being human.  (The shame comes because the hurting person feels guilty and shameful for even hurting in the first place.  They should be stronger, more impenetrable than that!)  I think of the story of Job in the Bible.  How his friends just sat with him quietly in his pain (for a week!) were much more helpful than the offering of all kinds of bad advice to his detriment. 

These are all things we can heal and grow from.  These are not character flaws or foibles, just skills we haven't learned yet.  I love this lady's quote below, because it shows where she has healed and grown from.  She had BPD and has healed herself from it with the help of her husband who is a counselor.  Blaming others and being the victim are often one and the same.  It often means we don't know how to express how we really feel, and use stories (as I explained above) to try to get us what we need to feel heard.   If you as a listener are getting either a victim story or a blaming story, you can know that it likely isn't the whole story, but instead a hurting story of someone who can't express how they actually feel inside, and that's the difficult part.  Asking, "Is this how the other party would portray the story?" can help bring it back to objective truth.  Or "how did that make you feel?" focuses on the hurting parts rather than the subjective events.

I do think the church at large in the last generations perhaps plunked all this responsibility onto Jesus, and has left people with none.  When I was recently singing "What A Friend We Have in Jesus", this idea came to me.  Is it Jesus' responsibility to do all the comforting?  All the healing?  All the hope?  Yes, He is the Comforter, but He also uses us on earth to be His hands and feet.  Phrases like, "I'll pray for you" can tend to take the burden off us so we don't have to do any comforting ourselves (because it is painful and awkward).  Although we should pray, we can also give hugs and hope through His Word.  Do a quick word study on the word "comfort" in the Bible, and you can see that it doesn't mean lecturing, shaming or passing the buck of being with someone in pain.  It jumps right in there and sits with them in the pain.  This is a challenge for those of us who have been enmeshed or codependent in relationships too, who don't know their own pain apart from others'.

Article: How Empathy Can Go Wrong

2 Cor 1:3-5 Blessed be God, even the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies, and the God of all comfort; Who comforteth us in all our tribulation, that we may be able to comfort them which are in any trouble, by the comfort wherewith we ourselves are comforted of God.  For as the sufferings of Christ abound in us, so our consolation also aboundeth by Christ.

Another thought is that sometimes during really hard-to-fathom times (disaster, accidents, unexpected deaths or losses), it can be easy to either blame God or defend God without seeing His whole character. We often give quick platitudes to ourself or others, in a meager attempt to minimize the pain.  [Often we even use Bible verses to do this!] Where is God when you prayed for help and it didn't come?  How can I believe in a God who doesn't seem to see or hear me?  Sometimes we don't see much evidence that God sees and cares for us the way we think He should.  Sometimes our view is skewed, but being brutally honest can be the best balm for this.  For many of us this is hard because we've never done it.  

• I feel hurt, because this is painful
• I feel sad, because this is tragic
• I feel angry, because this is unfair
• I feel confused, because there is no clear pathway forward

Our flesh wants a world built on successful formulas, pat answers that actually fix things, and solutions to our problems.  ("If I do the "right" thing, then bad things won't happen to me")  We'd like life to be predictable, controllable and fundamentally fair.  What we see around us, in us and what's happening to us usually isn't that.  But what we really sometimes struggle with is honesty.  Honesty with ourselves, honesty with God.  Honesty in our disappointments, but also honesty in our hopes.

Just so you know, empathy is the path forward to less expectations of ourself and others, less responsibility, less performance, and thus less burdens.  It relieves us of so much internal angst!  That's my favorite word lately.  Teenagers have lots of angst, but us adults do too if we'd just acknowledge it!

angst [äNG(k)st]

• a feeling of deep anxiety or dread, typically an unfocused one about the human condition or the state of the world in general:
• strong worry and unhappiness, especially about personal problems

So how do we know if we ourselves or someone we know is lacking empathy?  It can easily get mixed up with codependency.  

Here's a quick list~ [source]

1. Being extremely critical of other people
2. Blaming the victim when bad things happen to them
3. Not forgiving people for making mistakes
4. Feeling like other people are too sensitive
5. Not listening to other people's perspectives or opinions
6. An inability to cope with emotional situations
7. Lack of patience for other people's emotional reactions
8. Reacting with impatience or anger when frustrated with other people
9. Feeling baffled by other people's feelings
10. Believing that negative things won’t happen to you
11. Not thinking about or understanding how your behavior affects other people

Further Reading~

How We Love our Kids by Milan and Kay Yerkovich (highly recommend!)

Good Enough: 40ish devotions for a life of imperfection by Kate Bowler

The Gifts of Imperfection by  Brene Brown

How We Love by Milan and Kay Yerkovich ~ book review

This book was excellent.  Another piece of the puzzle put in place!  It helped me so much see where I'm coming from, where Greg is coming from; as well as having more compassion for where friends and family are coming from.  These are all just skills we can learn to better improve our relationships.  I'm not going to write a ton on this one, but would just encourage you to get the book yourself and read it through.  Get the copy with a workbook in the back, as that has all the questions to work through.  The basis of the book is attachment as I mentioned previously in another post.  It also has its basis in the Changes that Heal book that I also reviewed recently.  

Soul words are just putting words to your feelings and emotions, if you struggle to come up with them on your own.  (PDF to print off here)

Here's the 5 types of ways we attach to others.  All of them are coping mechanisms we've adapted from childhood.  The last one is the goal, to be a secure attacher.  We can also switch types depending on who we are with.

• I tend to be positive and self-sufficient
• I'm usually "fine" and not very affectionate
• I have few emotions
• Sometimes I comply simply to avoid arguments
• I generally don't ask for any sort of emotional investment or commitment from people
• I minimize and resist expressions of anger in others and myself
• I'm usually happiest when other people are happy and don't want a lot from me
• I'm task oriented and a high achiever
• I prefer to do something for someone rather than connect emotionally
• I've felt resentment towards my spouse for wanting something more from me
• I'm tired of hearing how distant I am
• I don't really think of my own feelings or needs very often

• People knew me as the "good kid"
• I struggle with fear of rejection or criticism
• Sometimes I seek deeper connection by working to meet others' needs
• I have needs but they're not as big as most people's
• At times I've had difficulty tolerating physical or emotional distance from my spouse
• I prefer to deal with conflict by making up for it quickly and moving on
• I can be very jealous but I rarely show it
• I have difficulty saying no and sometimes it makes me less than truthful
• I generally don't feel angry, or if I do, I try to think about something else to get rid of it
• I don't often ask for help and feel uncomfortable when others try to help

• Growing up I experienced a great deal of intense anger and stress from a parent or parents
• I'm used to chaos at home
• I've learned to protect myself through passivity
• I don't like to consider the alternative if I weren't quiet and submissive
• I don't often assert myself
• Relationship problems are usually my fault
• I try very hard to keep my mate happy, but it doesn't always work
• At times I'm honestly scared of my spouse
• I'm resentful and angry but try not to focus on it
• I feel trapped and hopeless most of the time
• No one really knows me or what goes on in my marriage
• My spouse is nicer to friends than to me

• I've always been especially sensitive
• I desire deep, passionate connection with my spouse but never seem to get it
• I've had a history of idealizing others early on in relationships
• I easily feel disappointed, rejected, unwanted
• I sometimes become angry when my expectations are not met
• I can feel betrayed, abandoned when others are not emotionally available
• I experience internal conflict and a high level of emotional stress in relationships
• My own conflicted responses sometimes confuse even me
• Others have said they feel like they are walking on eggshells around me
• I have difficulty accepting the weaknesses of others
• I have difficulty being willing to reengage when anger blocks out other emotions
• I tend to reflect more on how others have hurt me than on my own shortcomings

• Growing up, I experienced a great deal of intense anger and stress from parent(s)
• I'm used to chaos at home
• I've learned to protect myself through aggression
• I don't like to consider the alternative if I weren't so dominant
• I tend not to think about the past but stay busy with the present
• My spouse couldn't survive without me
• Our relationship problems are usually my spouse's fault
• I rarely feel any emotion except anger and sometimes guilt if my anger has gone too far
• Things would go more smoothly if my spouse listened to me and did the things I ask
• My spouse purposely makes me jealous
• I get angry when others don't listen
• I have few feelings about my childhood except that I'm glad it's over because I wouldn't go back

• Able to say no to unreasonable requests
• Can you take risks?  Secure adults are able to approach new activities with curiosity
• Can you ask for help?  They know it isn't a sign of weakness
• Can you work towards compromise (they do not avoid or ignore problems, different points of view are not only tolerated but respected)
• Can you say you're sorry?  Secure people are not defensive, they admit their mistakes, apologize for errors, take ownership of their own shortcomings which makes it easy for secure people to forgive others when they are wronged

Basically all of these things listed above get in the way of being able to bond with others (except secure connector).  The ability to comfort others as well as be comforted is at the root of all relationships.  We cannot give what we do not have ourselves, but we can learn it.  The way a parent handles a child's fear, shame, anger, sadness, and jealously is critical for adult relationships.  Did they teach one thing but do another in their own marriage relationship? (do what I say not what I do?)  Do parents teach their children that the goal is to eliminate uncomfortable feelings or rather to learn to handle them?  Did they teach how to process all emotions, which in turn teaches how to handle stressful situations?  Were manners more important than heart issues? (don't embarrass me in public! Make me look like a good parent!)  Was it the child's job to manage the parent's emotional needs? 

The comfort circle (below) is this books way of building relationships by sharing and listening to comfort one another in distress.  They talk about the many ways we cope, but don't comfort our spouse (and vice versa) when they are in distress (sadness, hurt, fear, anxiety, anger, etc).  Many people are used to comforting themselves alone, as learned behavior.  Many homes had lots of opinions and thoughts, but not much room for expressing negative emotions.  I also recently learned that a thought comes from the brain, and a feeling comes from our heart.  Even if someone says, "I feel I should get that job", it's still a thought because it comes from the mind not the heart.  Start recognizing the difference with your own words, your family's, and those around you.  Start encouraging a safe place to share emotions by learning to listen better (it teaches you in the book), and how to comfort better.  (Hint. Have your loved one (spouse, child) lay their head in your lap while they share how they feel).  Start with the emotions of childhood memories (good and bad) and move into more difficult ones as time goes by and emotional trust and vulnerability is built.  In this book they also have one speaker and one listener, taking a set amount of time (5-10 min) and then switching roles.  This can sound impossible to do, but it's helpful so we each feel heard (the key to trust, if you recall from the Trust book).  To be able to listen, understand and learn without defensiveness, anger or putting our own two bits (advice) is harder than it sounds.  Many of us have never shared with such vulnerability.

Sometimes our childhood roles also spill into our adult relationships.  We've learned to adapt to guard against conflict and pain.  These defenses are common to everyone.  Which ones can you relate to?

• regression- "if I'm angry or hurt I act in childish ways.  I pout, sulk, go to my parents' house or have temper tantrums"
• suppression- "I distract myself a lot so I don't have to feel or deal with what's bothering me"
• withdrawal- "when I'm hurt or upset, I physically leave, or just go off in my own thoughts"
• blame- "other people are the cause of most of my problems.  I act and feel the way I do because of them.  If they would change, everything would be fine" (very common)
• rationalization- "it's easy to tell myself the wrong things I do aren't that bad when I compare myself to what most of the other people in the world do wrong"
• devaluation- "when I'm upset, I focus on the negative traits of others.  Those traits are more numerous and pronounced than my own" (a close second after blame)
• intellectualization- "I can analyze my way out of any feeling or emotion"
• compensation- "I feel the need to exaggerate my good points in order to hide any deficiencies"
• denial- "I refuse to acknowledge pain and problems and call it having a positive attitude"
• replacement- "when I'm feeling a negative emotion, I express the opposite in order to hide the truth"
• distraction- "I avoid conflict or pain by filling the day with anything and everything"

Here's the link to find out what kind of love style you are (we can change depending on who we are with as well).  

Here's a list of free downloads to print off to help you rebuild those weak areas.

And lastly, a quote below from my favorite John Delony...often we think we can handle things on our own, but this is untrue. Healing ourselves will heal our homes and our relationships.

I also forgot to list some of the reasons we trust people we shouldn't (and end up in relationship difficulties later).  This is from the last chapter of Trust, and I forgot to list them on that book review previously.  He calls them "reasons for misplaced trust".

1. We're lonely.  We're isolated and we desire to connect so we cut corners and ignore clear warnings.  This is when we need to listen to friends and family whom we trust for their advice.
2. We feel powerless and lack boundaries.  If we do not feel empowered to say "no", we will allow abuse, gaslighting (people negating our perceptions), control, blame and we cannot keep untrustworthy people away.  If we cannot set boundaries, we also are typically also unable to confront problems or be able to put a finger on what feels "off" about the relationship.
3. Needing the "Ideal".  People who don't feel ok about themselves often look for someone who appears "awesome" who makes them feel like they are wonderful.  It makes them feel important, special or good, but often the "ideal" is a manipulator or flatterer.  Looking for perfection is a setup for misplaced trust.
4. Taking the rescue bait.  This person often has been treated badly, and then someone else comes along and tells them they are wonderful and they fall for the bait.  Many second marriages and new jobs begin this way.
5. Merger fantasies.  Sometimes it feels like something is missing in us, and we are drawn to someone who possesses what we don't have.  But, the need that drives the merger often overlooks other untrustworthy aspects of this person.  This is different from complementary relationships where we complement each other.
6. Someone from your past.  If someone in your formative past had issues and you've never dealt with them, you will be blind to them.  Patterns repeat themselves because people are in denial about how their past has affected them.  We need to acknowledge the damage or lacks so we can heal.  We should see things that are generational in nature and acknowledge their damage so we can heal.   "We marry our unfinished business".
7. Insecure attachment styles (listed above).  This happens in marriages as well as business.
8. Rescue fantasies. You believe that you can change someone with your love.  Your wish to improve them is greater than their wish to change.
9. Victim thinking.  Many think they are powerless to change troubled relationships. 
10. Guilt.  Many deceivers and betrayers are great at blame, never owning their own responsibilities.
11. Too High Pain Tolerance.  When people come from backgrounds of difficult relationships or are overly responsible, they have learned to put up with way, way too much before pulling the trigger.  Pay attention to your pain.

Further Reading~

How to Have That Difficult Conversation by Cloud and Townsend

Running on Empty by Jonice Webb

Trust by Dr. Henry Cloud book review

I've had another breakthrough, easing a huge burden off my shoulders yet again.  This one is multi faceted and although I don't understand all the dynamics, I do know this is another reason I've struggled with relationship breakdowns...trust.  Seems simple, but there's much nuance to it that is under the surface that I've known was there but wasn't ever able to put a finger on.  This book gave me the "aha, that's what the trouble is" on both ends of the spectrum- the person trying to gain trust and the person trying to trust the other party.  I resound what Dr. John Delony says again and again..."these are just skills we need to learn because we don't know them yet".  These aren't character flaws or personality foibles in us, these are teachable moments to improve our communication and relationships most of all.  These are skills for our family and friends, as well as for the workplace, church board or whatever place we are that we have to deal with people.

First of all, what is trust?  He uses 2 definitions which are "assured reliance on character, ability, strength, or truth of someone or something" and as a verb "to believe that someone is good and honest and will not harm you, or that something is safe and reliable".  Long and short, our bodies and minds are always asking "am I safe?"  We are constantly moving towards or away from something based on this sole factor.  There are 5 ways that he lists that we do that called The Anatomy of Trust.

1. We trust someone when we feel our needs are understood, felt and cared about.
2. We trust when we feel their motive is for us, not just for themselves.
3. We trust someone when we feel they have the ability or capacity to guard and deliver results for what you have entrusted them with.
4. We trust someone who has the character and personal makeup needed for what we entrust them with.
5. We trust someone who has a track record of performing in the ways that we need them to perform. 

 

Leading someone to trust does not begin with you *trying to* convince them of something.  It begins with listening and by trying to understand them.  By trying to see what they want and what they feel and what they need.  By knowing what matters to them (empathy) instead of trying to persuade them to see things your way.  You need to let them know that you understand them by repeating this back to them in conversation.  This changes the brain from the closed state (guarding against you) to the open state (beginning to trust).  This begins with mirroring our parents when we are babies, and grows from there.  From small toddlers to big corporate leaders, we all want to be understood before we take input.  "We can never act in ways that cause someone to trust us if we do not understand what they feel, think, need, desire and fear."

Proverbs 18:13 He that answereth a matter before he heareth it, it is folly and shame unto him.

In that verse, the word "hear" means "understands" from Strong's concordance.  When we fail to understand someone, it unknowingly communicates that we only care about ourselves.  When we truly know and understand someone, what they like and dislike, what they need and desire, and very importantly- what hurts them.

Motive is next.  Do they care about me?  Or do they have an ulterior motive?  Are they looking out for my good, while caring for their own life too?  Always look into the "why" behind why people do what they do.  Is it for selfish reasons, success, fame?  Do they love their neighbor (you/me) as themselves?  We can let down our guard when we can trust these questions.

Matthew 22:37-40 Jesus said unto him, Thou shalt love the Lord thy God with all thy heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy mind.  This is the first and great commandment. And the second is like unto it, Thou shalt love thy neighbour as thyself.  On these two commandments hang all the law and the prophets.

Just because someone has understanding and a good motive, doesn't mean they have the ability to do what we are asking them to do.  We may need to trust them in a specific way, and do they have the ability to do so?  Many times this falls apart due to trust in other areas, but not experience in the specific way needed (children taking over a family business, for instance).  Training and building trust with adding responsibilities is still required. Is this person suitable for the task/job at hand?  If not, would someone else be a better fit?  Are they humble enough to admit when something is out of their expertise?  It is wisdom to vet people for ability before trusting them in a specific area. (The parable of the talents comes to mind in Matt 25:14-29)

The next essential is character.  We need to look past just moral and ethical standards, and look a bit deeper.   This takes self-awareness as it deals with our own emotions and the emotions of others.  How adaptive are we when things go awry?  Are we positive or negative?  Can we work well with others?

2 Peter 1:5-9 And beside this, giving all diligence, add to your faith virtue; and to virtue knowledge;

And to knowledge temperance; and to temperance patience; and to patience godliness; And to godliness brotherly kindness; and to brotherly kindness charity. For if these things be in you, and abound, they make you that ye shall neither be barren nor unfruitful in the knowledge of our Lord Jesus Christ. But he that lacketh these things is blind, and cannot see afar off, and hath forgotten that he was purged from his old sins.

Here's a few traits we also want to be aware of that break down relationships (looking in ourselves, or  when dealing with others).

• defensiveness (what happens when you can't point out a problem or resolve a conflict?)
• anger (how can you deal with someone prone to outbursts, rage or explosiveness?)
• narcissism (how do we trust when someone who is always about themselves?)
• drama and emotional instability (very hard to trust unpredictability)
• control (how do we deal with people who need to be in control all the time?)
• neediness and dependency (some people are still overly needy and dependent, still like children)
• irresponsibility (how can we trust they will do what they say they'll do?)
• codependency or lack of boundaries (unable to set limits on ability, time, resources, etc)
• gossip or divisive behavior (Proverbs 17:9 He that covereth a transgression seeketh love; but he that repeateth a matter separateth very friends.)

We are not looking for perfection here, as we are all human and fail much every day.  What we are looking for is a whole picture of traits combined that make you believe the person is who they say they are, and can do what they say they will do.

Fifth and last comes track record.  The past is the best indicator of the future.  Whenever we trust someone, we make ourselves vulnerable.  If we don't know if they can come through for us in our vulnerability, we need proof somehow.  We need objective reasons to hope and trust in them.  Someone who doesn't listen well can't just say they'll listen and you believe them.  They need to prove it over and over again until it is believed.  Selfish people don't just start caring about others.  Lazy people don't change overnight.  These all take time and effort to change.  Trust is simply not given, it must be earned.  Mistakes again can and will be made, but then amends must be made as well.  Forgiveness is needed and is free, but trust must be re-earned.  Sometimes someone has a stellar track record in most areas, but not the area you need them to (marriage, parenting, moving up to new job responsibilities, etc).  This doesn't mean you don't trust them, but that other factors must stand in for those lacking.  We really do need all 5 areas secure before our bodies feel they can trust someone.  Again, not looking for perfection, but staying within our abilities and strengths and not trying to be "all things to all people".

Next chapter he goes into is how we can lose our "trust muscle".  Do we struggle depending on other people?  Because trust is dependency.  He then goes into attachment styles, which is a whole 'nother subject in and of itself, but it can help us see how much we do or don't trust other people.  There's whole books written on this subject, as well as online quizzes to figure out which one you are.

The secure attachment style is people who are well adjusted, can ask for what they need, and expect that others will be there for them.  The anxious attachment style is people who fear abandonment and can be needy or clingy.  They constantly need reassurance because they feel that other people do not care enough about them, won't respond adequately to them or may reject them.  The fearful vulnerability they bring into a relationship causes much distortion and an interruption of trust. As soon as people get close, the fears come to the surface and chase away relationship.  The avoidant attachment style keeps up a defense to keep people away so they don't have to be vulnerable.  These are people described as emotionally distant or unavailable.  The last one is the fearful-avoidant style.  They want to trust, but then they pull away as soon as they get close.  These people can seem friendly and want to connect, but then as soon as they feel vulnerable they pull away.  The other person often asks, "what did I do?"  This can cause much chaos, pain and drama as they fail to trust people who are actually trustworthy.

Interesting to note, all of these attachment styles come down to the root of understanding.  Does someone understand what I need, who I am, what hurts me, what helps me and other things that are important to me?  Understanding is the foundation of all trust.  To be known and understood.  As soon as we get the cue that someone else is not understanding us, that's when suspicion and other forms of brokenness affect our "trust muscle".  When someone does not feel understood during their developing years, they will spend a lifetime fearing trusting relationships.  This can also come under the control category.  When we trust, then we can depend on others while still being free to be ourselves.  None of us want to give up freedom and autonomy in exchange for being controlled by someone else.  

Other barriers to trust is the feeling that perfection is required for the ability to feel loved or accepted.  This could come in many ways, but the underlying message is, "if I fail in any way, you will reject me or will not love me or will shame me".  This could be physical experiences, moral standards, or a failure to meet some premeasured standard.  People who are ok with imperfections do well with trust.  They can own their own flaws and shortcomings, and do the same in other people.  The other barrier to trust is step-up or step-down relationships.  If we always feel above or below other people, it will cause us not to trust them.  Sometimes, other people clearly want to keep us below them, with everything being a competition to stay on top.  There is an underlying fear that seeing the world as an unequal place destroys trust.  It makes all relationships a competition for best.  You can't trust when you feel everyone is out to be "better than" "smarter than" "loved more than" you.

The next section is on repairing trust once it's been broken.  It's never easy and is often a choice between 2 unfavorable options.  You should only trust again with solid reasons based on objective criteria.  You need to know whether you're dealing with the same person, or a new one.

1. Take time to heal and get well.  We've been injured and we need to heal.  Don't isolate or withdraw, but seek comfort and compassion with people who can support you and care for you.  Recognize shock, numbness, denial and catastrophic thinking that comes with your pain.  Hebrews 12:12-13 Wherefore lift up the hands which hang down, and the feeble knees; And make straight paths for your feet, lest that which is lame be turned out of the way; but let it rather be healed.
2. Move beyond anger and towards forgiveness.  Forgiveness is a gift we give ourselves towards freedom.  To nurse anger and bitterness is allowing a cancer to grow in your heart, soul and mind.  As long as you are holding onto the hurts inside of you, that person still owns you.  But this also means we need to feel the anger of the hurt and betrayal, and not squelch it.  We need to feel our feelings as they come and go.  Anger and forgiveness are never neat and tidy, a "once and done".  Do not deny the gravity of what was done (whether intentional or unintentional), call it what it was and how it feels no matter how messy it sounds.  Forgiveness has to do with the past, trust has to do with the future.  Colossians 1:14 In whom we have redemption through his blood, even the forgiveness of sins:
3. Ponder what you really want.  What is the best outcome we can imagine going forward?  Should you stay or go? What behavior would I like to see?  Are there things worth fighting for?  Or are my eyes finally open enough to see that there's nothing more for me here?  Is there a bigger picture than just this situation?  This will take prayer and soul searching.  We are not pondering forgiveness anymore, we are pondering going forward.  This may take a lot of time as you evaluate whether you're dealing with Jekyll, Hyde or someone (hopefully) new.  Ecc 3:5  ...a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing;
4. Figure out if reconciliation is available.  Reconciliation is forgiveness, but is not trust (yet).  For it to work, both parties have to engage in the process.  Clear communication of the problem, and ask a few more questions.  Do they take responsibility for what they did?  Do they see that it was wrong?  Do they understand the consequences or how it has hurt you or others? Do they repent and apologize as needed? Are they transparent with information, or do they give full access to the truth?  Are they coming clean with the whole story?  Still not trusting yet again, but getting answers so you can make an educated decision.  If there's any "not my fault" answers in there, this will give you indications what to do.  This would be things like denial, lying, gaslighting, blaming, excusing, minimizing, rationalizing, invalidating, etc.  Wise people will listen to the confrontation, own it, apologize for it, learn from it and behave differently as a result of being corrected.  We need to own our own part of the breakdown as well.  Learn about our own strengths and weaknesses.  For example, we may have seen red flags long ago, but because we lack conflict resolution skills, we avoided addressing/dealing with the problem. Proverbs 15:31 The ear that heareth the reproof of life abideth among the wise.        Matthew 18:15-18 Moreover if thy brother shall trespass against thee, go and tell him his fault between thee and him alone: if he shall hear thee, thou hast gained thy brother. But if he will not hear thee, then take with thee one or two more, that in the mouth of two or three witnesses every word may be established. And if he shall neglect to hear them, tell it unto the church: but if he neglect to hear the church, let him be unto thee as an heathen man and a publican. Verily I say unto you, Whatsoever ye shall bind on earth shall be bound in heaven: and whatsoever ye shall loose on earth shall be loosed in heaven.
5. Assess trustworthiness, to determine if trust is an option. We need to start back at the essentials and work through them.  Do they understand what is important to me?  Do they understand what I need from them? Do they understand what makes me feel open and free with them and what will make me move towards them in trust?  Does he/she understand me, my reality, and my desires in our relationship (or are they only focused on themselves)?  Also asking where the relationship broke down in the first place is good to evaluate.  Where was there a lack of understanding? Was there a focus that didn't take both sides into consideration?  What abilities may have been assumed but were actually lacking?  How did this lead to disappointment, injury or hurt?  What character traits have hurt the relationships and should be addressed?  What is this person's track record in other relationships?
6. Look for evidence of real change.  

• admission of need (admit and receive help)
• verifiable involvement in a proven process (AA or something tried and true as needed)
• structured approach (a way to learn new skills)
• skilled help (someone specific who can tailor it to our situation and needs)
• new experiences and skills (what are they learning and applying?)
• self-sustaining motivation (craving and seeking help on their own)
• presence of support (listener, encourager, and safety net)
• some evidence of change (this will take time, but we want to see changes slowly for the better)
• monitoring systems (someone to monitor progress, can be people from above lists)
• total transparency (if there's been lying, duplicity, secrecy, etc)
• willingness to be questioned (if trust has been broken, there will be suspicion and so the person should be willing to be questioned.  If they get defensive, this will make things worse.  People who are trying to rebuild trust should welcome questions.)

The two parties directly involve in the breakdown of trust usually cannot restore it on their own.  Who can help you navigate this process?  How will you learn new skills so this won't happen again?  What kind of structured path can you build the new, better relationship?

____________________

I think of these things as I raise my kids.  I'm learning new skills to relate to them, ones that I've never learned before (and have had to repent of my old ways to them).  One example that I was talking about with a friend, is how we can deal with over dramatic, emotional sons/daughters.  Here's an example~

Daughter comes in crying, "Everybody hates me, nobody likes me!"  As a Mom, you know this isn't true, but it's how she feels right now.  We have 2 choices.  We can tell her, "That isn't true, so and so likes you, and so does this person and that person (and on and on to try to convince her she's wrong)" And we as adults know that all of her friends are probably at home complaining of the same fate to their mothers!  But if we dig deeper we can ask ourselves, why is she telling me that?  What are her feelings behind her words?  Why does she feel like everyone hates her?  Is she lonely and wants to see them? Bored? Hurt by one or more of them? Worried about one of them?  What is it?  We need to dig deeper by asking her more questions.  She's likely really looking for empathy, love and compassion; not us trying to convince her how we think she should feel by trying to talk her out of it.  She feels completely unheard if we do that and the trust has been broken.   She will feel that we don't understand her at all, and that we haven't even tried (and possibly that we don't love her either).  We (as parents) just think (by our words to her) that we have it all figured out from a stable, unemotional adult perspective; yet we've missed the whole bonding experience with our daughter because we didn't seek to understand her deeper.  Regretfully I've done this countless times with my kids because I knew no other way. ("it's not that bad", "you're blowing this way out of proportion", "quit overreacting", etc)  Here's a list of emotions below that you can download to get you started.  Reading old classic books has helped me as well.  Books like Pride and Prejudice, Emma, Jane Eyre, Gone With The Wind have also helped me improve my emotional vocabulary to better express myself.

Atlas of the Heart List of Emotions - Brené Brown (brenebrown.com)

Our job as parents is to teach an emotional vocabulary to our kids.  Help them to express themselves because none of us were born with these skills, especially us introverts.  80% of adults questioned only had 3 emotions (happy, sad, angry).  But there's so many more out there that we can teach our kids!  The only way they'll learn it is from other people, and us parents are the best ones to do this.  I've never learned how to express my needs or emotions as they are, I've always logically explained them away as if they belonged to someone else (because that keeps me from being vulnerable!)  It actually decreases the emotions when we can healthily express them.  This doesn't mean they'll become more "out of hand", but actually they become less volatile because they aren't continuously building up for a volcano (their body is screaming for connection, only to be shut down and dismissed).  Healthy emotional expression just gently seeps in and out of our lives, the joys and the heartaches.

So, we can ask questions like~

• How does/did that make you feel?
• What can I do to help you?
• How can I show you my love right now?
• Can I give you a hug? Rub your feet/back?
• Do you want me here, or would you prefer time alone and I can check back in on you?

These emotionally charged times are NOT the time for lecturing or advice.  That can come later when they are emotionally stable and stronger.  Now is the time for support and love.  And empathy and compassion.  A time to keep our mouths shut and let them cry and cry and talk if they want.  I recently read an article on helping kids grieve and it likened it to a tunnel.  To let them cry until they are all cried out, and then that's the light at the end of that tunnel for them (on that day).  I was skeptical, but I tried it with 2 different children.  I held them and let them cry until they were done.  Yes, this was 1-2 hours of it each time.  I didn't talk, I occasionally sang to them after getting their permission.  It was super hard as a mom to do this, but after they were each done, they were at peace.  They knew they were loved and supported through their hard day (that had been accumulating for a while!)  One of them even said after (in my Mother's Day card) "thanks for loving me when I'm not being lovable".  These were new words to hear, from new behaviors I'd learned.  This child felt heard and loved because I didn't try to talk them out of their emotions (which negates any sort of understanding); but sat in them with (without getting sucked into the vortex of their overwhelm as well, which is also easy to do).

Another example happened just this week.  One child was being mean over and over to their younger siblings.  I had gotten after this child many times, separated them, tried to find out the reason behind the meanness.  When I finally sat down and dug into the heart of the matter, I found out that this child was scared.  They were being left alone with the younger siblings for a short while each day, and they were worried that one of the younger siblings would choke while Mom was gone.  The meanness was actually fear that something bad would happen and they wouldn't know what to do.  They didn't know how to express it, and had tried to talk themself out of it to no avail, so it came out in bullying instead.  I can now see that this is often the case, and we moms often don't know how to or will take the time to dig a bit deeper to help them put words into what they are feeling.  After I knew this, I could help this child navigate what they should do, and comfort them in their inner turmoil; not by minimizing it and pretending it was no big deal or by brushing over it either.  But by trying to understand the root of it and having compassion.  It's definitely more time consuming this way, but I can see a big difference in the peace of my children when I do take the time to seek to understand (and not pretend I understand by putting words in their mouths, which is also easy to do! (I do that to Greg too...ugh!))

If you don't feel like reading the whole book (which I do recommend), this YouTube talk of his is well worth it. (the first 3 min are fluff, so you can skip in a bit)

Trust - Dr. Henry Cloud - YouTube