Mommy Nerves

The other day it occurred to me, that I just ain't what I used to be.  I mean, I already knew this, considering I am turning 40 this year.  And though I'm okay with getting older (and hopefully wiser) and more gray hair (it's somehow multiplying at an exponential rate), what I don't like is how my nerves just don't handle things like they used to.

My 5 babies have not been easy on my body, and I supplement accordingly to try to accommodate the lacks, one of which is B vitamins in large doses.  This lack has created in me occasional anxiety which I have never experienced before.  There has been two times when my anxiety actually got the better of me and I felt very out of control (although this was nothing compared to what some people deal with due to anxiety).  This was when venturing into new territory where I had never tread before.  One was playing the piano for a wedding (I will not say yes to that again!) and the other was when I had to call our wonderful midwife when we were first considering a home birth.  I had anxiety before calling her and then it was even worse on the day of our first appointment.  And then she called and cancelled because of a birth and had to reschedule.  Akk.  Even more waiting.  Thankfully both situations ended positively, but I don't care to relive the anxious moments.

This past year I have been put in 3 new situations which also caused me stress in a way that I never thought I would feel stress.  One was butchering chickens last summer.  I felt like I could only observe and learn, and then next time maybe I'll venture forth and actually help out.  Between watching 9 kids and making meals for company, my brain was maxed out already.  Learning something new was not in my capabilities that day.  But, now that I've seen the process, I feel like if we ever do meat chickens again, I will be an asset to the production line.

The next was flying with 5 kids and tackling Disneyland.  Talk about mom anxiety there.  Losing a kid.  Forgetting a kid.  Kids acting up on the plane.  Needing a bathroom and not being able to find one.  Hunger/new food struggles eating in different places (thankfully that wasn't high on the list as our kids are pretty good eaters). 

Elise and Isaac pouting at California Adventure because their tamales were too spicy.  Thankfully they ate the beans and rice and the rest of us got to enjoy their delicious tamales!

Thankfully that trip all went well, although meandering through a crowd of probably 20,000 in the dark with a group of 13 was rather stressful at the end of the busy day.  It tipped me over into "freak out" mindset and the "I have to get out of here right now or I'll lose it" flight or fight kicked in.  As soon as we were out of the crowds of people and back under the streetlights I was fine, but it as tense for a bit there!

Then just this past weekend my cousin Janine and her family invited us to go fishing in the ocean in their new boat.  I did enjoy the whole adventure, but felt again that I'd better just observe everything before getting too involved.  It would have been great fun to catch a fish, but with our 3 little ones who were not feeling well (they fell asleep thankfully), I felt it was all I could handle to just stay calm and stay seated and at the end of the day get home in one piece!

The older boys did great, but I pictured many "worst case scenarios" in my mind, most of which were possible but highly unlikely.  I tried to think back to when I just had myself to worry about, and I generally knew what my limitations were (in the same type of scenarios).  With kids you never know what they're thinking and what they'll try, which is a big part of what makes being a parent so stressful.  Some kids are risk takers, some play it safe.  Some have poor judgement (often due to inexperience), some have excellent judgement but are fearful and/or klutzy.  It's so hard to know when to let them spread their wings and when the parental authority must take over and we must be wise for them.

I try really hard not to turn into my mother (whom I love dearly, but who worries far too much), in yet I know it's probably quite unavoidable also.  With my nerves getting worse over time, and our boys getting more daring, I'm sure the worst is yet to come!  I'm not really sure how to avoid it and how to embrace it gracefully.

Another aspect is letting my own fears rub off on my kids.  I have unreasonable fears of horses, beetles, and ocean beaches (random sneaker waves + 5 kids = not much fun, ever), and a few more that I can't think of right now.  When we were in Santa Monica, CA this spring, I did want to try to go to the beach there.  I took 3 of the kids down (Greg despises beaches even more than me and offered to stay at the car with the other 2 kids since they didn't want to come) to the beach and after about 5 minutes, my nerves had had enough.  Done.  Time to go.  I keep trying to get braver, but the image of little Luke when he was 3 getting washed away from me, and his little body rolling in the waves just resurfaces and I can't get past it.  I wonder then if I really do need to get past it or if it's there for my future benefit.  Like horses. I have no desire to ever get past my fear of horses.   I can't see how I'll ever need to ride a horse again in my life.  Or hitch one to a cart or buggy (unless I convert to Amish, haha).  And Greg is thankful for how much money we'll save by never having to own a horse (he actually prayed for a wife who wouldn't love horses, because so many women get so obsessed with them).  Well, he got one!

The 3 brave ones

I do remember meeting a lady whose brother had drowned when she was a child. Because of that experience, she was so fearful of water that she never had her own children learn to swim and they felt she had done them a great disservice.  I do think it would have been wiser for her to ensure her kids learned to swim, rather than avoid the water due to fear.  So, I do wonder again, where does balance lie?

Well, off to bed so that my nerves are as healthy as they can be for this stage of life tomorrow.  A certain baby in our house has about 4 teeth coming through today, and possibly 4 more on the way, so her nerves can use all the help they can get too.  Nutritional yeast, B vitamins, calcium/magnesium for teeth health and calming...coming up! This seems elementary but our Naturopath says that babies only have as much vitamins as their moms give them (if nursing), so if they aren't coping well, it's because they don't have enough vitamins to cope with.  Makes sense but amid the crying and whining, I often forget to ensure it.

What do you do to keep your sanity, patience, nerves calm and keep an overall sense of well-being?

Trip to CA & AZ Feb. 2015

Our latest family adventure trip was to California and Arizona last week.  Back when we had only a couple kids, we usually tried to go to see Greg's family in Arizona in the winter and then to see my family in Alberta in the summer.  These days it seems like we can only make it to one place each year, so we still try to alternate between our "homes".  Greg's brother Kirk has wanted to go on vacation with us for a while, so this year we were able to make it happen in a roundabout way.  Kirk and his wife Katy (and 2 boys) were planning a trip to Disneyland asked us if we would want to join them there.  After some figuring, we decided to head that way.  And since we were already going to be in Southern CA, we might as well head over to AZ and see Greg's Grandma (and Aunt Sandy and various other friends and family).  We were only able to have 9 days away total, so driving would have been rather tedious, since it is 3 days each way (with a 1 year old who still hates her car seat).  We were able to find reasonable tickets to fly to Los Angeles, so opted for that venue and then rented a van to drive to AZ (5 hour away) for 3 days, then back to L.A. area for 2 days at Disney, one day sleeping in and lazing about and checking out the beach, one day flying home and then Sunday to recover and rest before getting back to the real work on Monday.

Flying with 5 children is not for the faint of heart, let me tell you that right off.  We did pack very light (1/2 the clothes and twice the money as we thought we'd need, as recommended) so that we wouldn't have to check any bags, but still ended up with 4 backpacks, 4 car seats/boosters, 2 suitcases and 2 strollers.  The whole time we were continually counting kids and bags and as long as we did that every 15 seconds or so, we did fine!  Our flight there was for 6:30 am, so we were up early to get to the airport.  This worked out well because then baby was ready for a nap for most of the 2 hour flight.  The kids did fine and had each brought 2 small toys (one Hot Wheels car and a small stuffed animal, Elise brought a notepad) along, as well as a book with many stories in it that they all enjoyed.  We arrived in L.A. at 9 in the morning and then got our rental van and headed for Arizona, getting there at supper time.  There was some yummy hot chili waiting for us at Grandma's house when we got there.  Elise said, "It's sure a good thing we brought that toy suitcase along, it sure kept us kids under control!"  Yes indeed, they did awesome for all the traipsing about.

Playing in Grandpa & Grandma's backyard

Enjoying new books at Grandpa & Grandma's

So good to see Great-Grandma Davidson in Arizona

On Saturday morning, we went over to Kirk & Katy's new "ranch" to check that out.  They used to have a big house on a small lot and recently traded it for a smaller house on a bigger lot.  There is plenty of room to play/garden/have an orchard/have some chickens and more at their new place.  They've been super busy remodeling it before they moved in, and the place looks great.  They made us some breakfast and we also were able to see Greg's Grandma's sister Bernice and her son Kevin who were down visiting as well (they live in Salem, OR).  We went back to Grandpa and Grandma's for the day and then headed back to K & K's for supper where Kirk grilled us some delicious chicken.  Greg's childhood friend Jared, his wife Vanessa and their daughter joined us there.

Greg and Kirk hitching up all the kids for a ride around their property.

Sunday morning we headed to church and were able to see quite a few friends there.  I love seeing John N, who is 98 years young as well as my great aunt Rhoda and uncle Jim (my Grandma Staudinger's only sister left living).  We went "home" for lunch (a lovely ham dinner) and then had an open house there for anyone wanting to visit us.  We had some enjoyable visiting while the kids ran around the yard and enjoyed the sunshine.

Then on Monday our family headed out of town to go for a hike in the desert (one of our favorite things to do).  With smaller kids, a long hike is out of the question, but there is a shorter hike at Usery Mountain Park that was doable.  I put Celeste in the baby carrier and off we went.  We got a bit off trail and had to do some backtracking on the way down the hill, but it all ended well.  I just love the sights and sounds of the desert and do miss it very much.  None of the cacti are blooming yet, but later in the spring the smells of those are fabulous.  We saw a couple quail and some squirrels, but that was all for wildlife.  We have seen desert tortoise and a tarantula in that park before.  I love listening and seeing Greg in his element teaching the kids about the desert.  I just love it! In the evening we were busy packing to leave again, but managed to get in some cupcakes to celebrate Celeste's first birthday.

At Usery Mountain Park

Showing the kids around

Celeste drinking like a big girl

Mama enjoying the heat, sunshine and desert 

A very old saguaro cactus (150+ years likely)

There's some quail hidden in here somewhere!

Birthday girl Celeste

Tuesday came and we headed back west.  Since our family, Kirk and Katy's, and Grandpa & Grandma were all traveling separately, we met at the Red Hut coffee shop in Phoenix before our caravan headed out.  I had a fabulous chai tea that I enjoyed immensely.  There's nothing like sipping a coffee/tea while driving down the road.  We drove most of the day (it's about 5-6 hours) and got to our motel late afternoon.  Since our rooms weren't ready yet, we went to buy our tickets for Disney and meander through the Downtown Disney shops.

Hanging out at the hotel

After a good nights sleep, on Wednesday we geared up for California Adventure.  We enjoyed the rides and sights there, and learned not to take toddlers on the swinging cars on the Ferris wheel.  Bad mistake!  The little ones were all crying and screaming (and this was their first ride of the day).  But, they did recovered and we carried on.  My favorite ride was the Silly Symphony Swings, and James loved it with me.  I could ride on that one all day!  We had some excellent tamales for lunch and spent the rest of the day either touring around, going on rides or watching kids and waiting.  With the ages of our kids, there were lots of rides that the little kids couldn't go on so we each took turns staying with them while others went on rides. This was good because it gave the little ones a chance to just run around and explore instead of standing in line all that time.  They did get to go on plenty of rides, so it worked out well all around.  We ended the day with Clark, Katy and I going on the Tower of Terror (Twilight Zone) ride.  Fun for us, but the kids wouldn't have handled it well!  Back to our hotel after a busy day and I took the bigger 4 kids swimming to unwind before bed while Greg and Celeste rounded up some pizza for us.

Flo's V-8 cafe

Mickey's (not so) Fun Wheel

Tiredy girl

Just hanging out doing some people watching

On Thursday we headed towards Disneyland for a day of adventure there.  We went on many different rides, took fun breaks and just enjoyed ourselves.  The kids enjoyed the Big Thunder Mountain Railway (roller coaster) the best, and I had to agree.  Even little Elise just grinned from ear to ear the whole time.  She's usually pretty timid with new things, so I didn't know how she would do, but she loved it.  Actually the 3 older kids just soaked up as many rides as they could, and kept on trucking the whole day.  Isaac was too short for many of the rides, but he still got to go on enough to keep him happy.  Casey Jr.'s circus train, Dumbo, etc.  We finished the day off with everyone going on "It's a Small World" and when we got off he said, "I've been waiting for that ride all day!"  He didn't know it even existed before we went on it, but he sure loved it.  We watched a production of Mickey and the Magical Map as well as touring Mickey's Toon Town as well.  The kids enjoyed that. In the evening they were doing a Fantasmic production which is a huge big light show and by then I was ready to be done.  Keeping track of that many kids (7) and adults (6) is a challenge in daylight, so at night was even more so.  Everyone was crowded around the water to watch the show, and so we were trying to meander our way through all those people to see if we could see anything.  We couldn't, and by the time we got to a place where we could, I was feeling pretty anxious.  I had overheard a lady telling her daughter "We can see this show on Youtube, so why crowd around here?"  I thought that sounded like  pretty good plan to me.  We then decided to head back to our hotel and call it a day.  Once our family got back into the street lights I was fine, but I hated that panicky feeling of losing one of the kids among thousands of people in the dark.  Yikes!  I had already lost my camera so was not too happy about that.  We wearily went "home" to head straight to bed.

James' favorite character is Pluto, so he was happy to see him

We saw Mickey first thing in the morning.

Katy, Grandma and I took the kids on the Cars ride after the boys has already gone with Dad, Kirk and Grandpa

The next morning when we woke up and were gathering everything together to leave, Greg found our camera in the bottom of the stroller.  Sigh.  It's not surprising that I missed it when looking for it, as I did recall setting it down elsewhere and not remembered picking it back up again.  But, with that many things to keep track of, it's a wonder we didn't lose more.  (James lost his hat and sunglasses but that was it).  We then went back to Downtown Disney as the kids each wanted a souvenir and hadn't bought one yet.  After that, we got in the van and said our goodbyes to Grandpa and Grandma, Uncle Kirk and Auntie Katy, and Eli and Josh.

No sooner were we back on the road than the song "You Had Me From Hello" by Kenny Chesney came on the radio.  Between all the overwhelming thoughts of Disneyland (stimuli extraordinaire) and that song, it brought me right back to road trips with my cousin Susan and sister Amy.  Susan was a huge Disney fan, and it just made me miss her so much.  I started crying and just couldn't stop.  She's been dead for 15 years now, and although I still miss her often, I haven't cried like that for her in at least 10 years or more.  Back when that song was popular, we used to go the gym together (her, myself, Amy and my cousin Amanda) and we'd make up all kinds of funny jokes about that song by changing out the words.  It certainly is funny how a melody can bring you right back to another place and time (just like the Clint Black song from that same era says).

We had planned to try to go to a beach in Malibu, out of the city a bit, but when we got near, there was a small landslide that closed the road, so we ended up at the Santa Monica pier instead.  We headed there to check it out and also have some lunch and see the water.  As we were walking there, there were many vendors selling their wares- artwork, music, magic tricks.  And then there was this Mickey and Minnie dressed up.  The kids wanted to walk by them, but Greg encouraged them to just wave (they were a ways away in a different direction than we were going).  I didn't think anything of it at the time, but later thought that it was kind of weird to have a Mickey & Minnie just standing there on the pier.  We concluded that they were probably just trying to make some money by offering to have your picture taken with them, but still...isn't that kind of weird.  I mean, who does that?  Their costumes were rather old, guessing by the floppy ears and grey color (rather than black) and it made me thankful afterwards that we didn't get too close.  Who knows what kind of creeps were inside.  I happen to be a trusting farm girl, whereas my husband is much more street savvy.  They could have been  completely innocent too, but it just made me wonder.  The last trip we went to a pier in California (near San Diego) we had another weird experience too.  It's no wonder Greg would just rather avoid CA beaches altogether.  He says there are too many creepy people (in his experience).  I then took a few of the kids down to the water while he stayed in the car with those who didn't want to go.  I still get very nervous around the water (after Luke got washed away from me when he was 3), but keep trying to get braver.  It's one thing to enjoy the beach when you're a single adult with only yourself to worry about.  It's completely another thing to keep track of a bunch of young children in the same place.  Not exactly relaxing in the least!  We only stayed a few minutes before my nerves had had enough and we headed back to the van to find our hotel.

Me and my baby (Elise took this one)

I loved watching Luke watching the surfers in the water.

Back on the road!

L.A. traffic is bad, but somehow we totally forgot that when we headed back out.  Our GPS said our hotel was 16 minutes away (12 miles) and it ended up taking us almost 2 hours to get there.  Luckily Celeste got a good nap in the car, but we almost ran out of gas in the meantime.  Thankfully all's well that ends well and we arrived safe and sound.  We grabbed some quick supper and then went for a swim in the evening.  I was trying to wash up the girls after swimming and Celeste kept trying to climb out of the tub.  She was so slippery that I barely caught her before she clunked her head on the floor like a fish out of water.  A few minutes later after she was all dried off and in her pjs, she snuck back in the bathroom where I was showering and climbed back in the tub without me noticing.  She slid right into the shower, pjs and all was was one wet girl!  She was overtired from our busy days, so we just dried her off, put new clothes on her (luckily she had some) and got her to bed.

On Saturday morning, I took the kids again for a swim since we didn't have to go anywhere until noon.  I watched them for quite a while and then Greg and I switched so I could finish packing and put Celeste down for a nap.  He had only been out there a few minutes when a lady asked him how old the kids were.  He was pointing to each and answering "Luke 9, James 7, Elise 5 and Isaac....akkk"  Isaac was completely underwater in the hot tub so Greg went flying over there and jumped in to get him.  He had only been under a few seconds, but it was scary for both none-the-less.  Greg's clothes were all soaked (and the keyfob for our rental van, which thankfully still worked) so he had fly home with very wet feet, since he had only brought one pair of shoes.

We gathered up all of our stuff and then headed for the rental place to return our van and then go to the airport.  We got through everything uneventfully and then just had to wait for our flight and come home.  Our friend and neighbor Dan picked us up from the airport and it was good to get home.  After some Chinese takeout, the day ended pretty well!

Being in all sorts of places and seeing all kind of people really gave me a chance to people watch as well as analyze people.  Greg and I talked about the whole Disney pop culture and the variety of people attracted to it.  We saw all sorts of people in the airports, in the cities, in the gas stations, in the restaraunts.  Some that make you ponder the direction humanity is headed.  Some that make you thankful for such kindheartedness.  One young man in the airport could not believe we had 5 children.  And that we'd fly with them without going insane.  He was just amazed and wanted to help us in any way he could.  (He was ahead of us going through security with all our gear).  We also had a family behind us on the flight down who makes me ill when I think that they are our typical American family.  Two kids ruled by electronics, whining and bribes.  All 4 members of the family had gadgets in hand (and in use) the whole time.  The communication between all members was halted at best (no one knew what the others needed/wanted/conveyed) because they were each caught up in their own little electronic world.  The marriage was decayed also, you could tell, with no respect or working together towards common goals. But, there were also many families enjoying themselves together too.  Such as the grandma sitting in front of us on the plane on her way to see her newest great-grandbaby with one of her granddaughters along too.  I also saw a look of disdain (that was the word that came to my head when I saw them) as two lesbian women glared at our children while they were picking out souvenirs in the gift shop.  The look on their faces was if they were trying deny who God made them and their contempt for children will justify their lifestyle somehow.  It made my heart heavy to think what they are missing out on in their pathetic attempt at "freedom".  All in all though, people are the same everywhere.  No better, no worse.  Just humanity, trying to find their way through this life.

Catching her freedom from the stroller!

James, Rachel and Katy loving it!

Silly Symphony Swings here we go!

 I was so thankful for our own children.  Luke was such a help pushing the stroller, keeping track of little kids, and just using his fact-remembering for it's many needs and places.  James was our energizer and helper.  He even told me after a busy day, "Mom, you don't have to worry about me running out of energy.  Because when I do, there'll be more coming right up!"  Oh, to have his energy.  Elise is our little baby sitter.  She kept Celeste entertained and in our view most of the time.  Isaac was our biggest challenge.  Keeping him on track was a full time job, but he also added the most fun also.  Whenever he talks to Celeste, he grits his teeth and talks in a gruff voice (I have no idea why).  We saw him grab her by the shoulders and say in his gruffest voice, "I wish YOU a Merry Christmas!" and then walked away.  Okay...whatever...And Celeste, well, we just had to keep her fed, napped and entertained and we did fine!  I should also mention that I just love travelling with Greg too.  We work together great as a team and it's just a pleasure.  For all the navigating through strange areas to traffic galore, he was awesome!  I just love that guy!

Happy to see Chip 'n Dale

Star Tours ride

Ready for Disney

Baby's ready too!

This fountain was one of the favorite highlights.  As well as the bakery behind.

The crew all ready to tackle the day!

The crew all ready to call it a day!