Ideas that are new to me - part 2

I've spent most of my life feeling less than I should.  Keeping my emotions inside, afraid to let anyone see my true self for fear they wouldn't like me.  It kept me safe from ridicule, my vulnerabilities close to my chest, and gave an edge of superiority on those who couldn't or didn't.  But it was a huge mistake to cope this way. (yes, cope)  It shut me right down inside, and finally made me to be unable to laugh or cry at all.  It was making the mistake of thinking that feeling less meant feeling better- with symptoms that include inability to focus or listen, a mind that hungers for the next distraction, lack of or struggle to control one's appetite, short-temperedness, feet that twitch, a lack of peace and joy.  There's many reasons why we do this, but much of it depends on if we're an introvert or an extrovert and how we dealt with stress as a child.  The extroverts often will respond more in fight modes, whereas the introverts will freeze, fawn or flight (run away); although we all will likely do all of them at different challenges.  Being a people pleaser or shutting down inside are much more tolerable behaviors than anger, but it's a response to stress just the same and starts getting built up inside our bodies over time.  These are the repressions that lead to disease later in life.  Remember, emotions govern structure, and structure governs function.  Teaching emotional regulation to our children is the answer to this all.  Comforting them when they are distressed and absorbing their energy with your own calming energy can be the biggest healer to learning good regulation to stress as an adult.  If you didn't learn this as a child, learning it with your spouse is very healing.  (How We Love book)

I think we can all see ourselves in all the categories below.  Healing from these is essential to peace and joy.

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How to Have a Difficult Conversation~

There’s nothing worse than having to talk to somebody who you know is going to get upset. Difficult conversations are the worst, but that doesn’t mean you should avoid them. In fact, that’s exactly what you SHOULDN’T do.

Here are 4 techniques for whenever we have to have a difficult conversation. These are ways to stay focused on the outcome you want, rather than the other person’s emotional reaction.  It's best to give the person an advance notice of needing a hard conversation too.  Springing it on them might not end so well.

TRY THIS:

1️⃣ Always start the conversation by acknowledging your responsibility for whatever situation or mess you find yourself in. 

2️⃣ Then tell the person what your goal is for having this conversation. 

3️⃣ Do A LOT of listening and validating the person’s feelings.

4️⃣ Restate the outcome to stay focused on the result you want.

Bonus tip: Try rehearsing the conversation with a friend. Work out the kinks and get comfortable with what you’re going to say.   [source]

Here's another acronym to help too.  Figure these out beforehand and write down if necessary and read it off~

Jefferson Fisher is a lawyer I've been learning from lately how to communicate better.  He has a ton of video shorts on YouTube if you want to learn this stuff too.  Recently I was in a "surprise attack" difficult conversation over something I had said 2-3 years ago and had to jump in with both feet.  I used 4 different of his tactics in explaining myself why I had said what I said, and how to still disagree in a healthy manner and it worked super well.  I was able to be clear and concise, not get emotionally charged (I would have in my old days!) and be confident in what I wanted as the outcome of the conversation.  The tactics I used in this one were (1) point out when you do agree on something (2) do not allow interruptions (the man tried to interrupt several times and I had to say, "I'm not done talking", which I never would have done in my old days; I would have just shut down, got angry and defensive and left) (3) imagine your outcome of the conversation and stick with the goals (4) don't allow emotional takeovers (don't let their bullying or guilt tripping or passive aggression derail your purpose, sort of like #2 but a bit different).

I didn't used to know that you could disagree without getting defensive.  I didn't know that was an option.  Well, turns out you can.  The biggest way is by taking some time to respond not react.  There's a gap in between what was said to you and how you reply back.  The options are to (1) just say what comes to your head immediately as an emotional reaction or (2) think and pray about how to respond for a better outcome.  Even saying, "let me think about this and get back to you" is a good option.  Who knew?!

Realizing why we get reactive can be helpful too.  I didn't ever think about the why but below is a list.  Naming it can be helpful in letting your feelings come forth to ponder (not to defend).  We don't really have to defend anyone or anything, even ourself.  We can be curious as to why someone says something to us, but not take it personally if we know it isn't true, or only partially true.  Even if it is wholly true, asking why the person is saying it and how we can learn and grow from it is still beneficial to us.  Do people avoid telling us the truth for fear of our reaction?  Or is it their tactic?  Is it truth or is it opinion? Or a mix?  Do they say it in a way meant to be kind, loving and helpful?  Do they think they need to reproach us by informing us in some way?   Are we approachable for the hard conversations that need to be had? These all take some time to sort out, so don't respond unless you are confident in your reply.  All relationships need to have hard conversations, so learning to do them better will improve all our relationships.

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Next is learning the difference between can't vs won't.  This seems kind of subtle and even a bit lame, but the differences can be huge.  Often these words are used interchangeably, but they have distinct differences.

• Can't (cannot) denotes an inability to perform a given task.

• Won't (will not) denotes an unwillingness to perform a given task.

Sometimes people can't understand you the way you want to be understood, but sometimes it's that they won't.  How to tell the difference?  Super hard.  Even impossible as we can't read each other's minds, so we won't know their intent unless we ask.  What I did learn is that with can't, compassion should be given for the inability to perform said task, but with won't, a boundary should be placed to limit that behavior.  This of course has much nuance and is a rather gray area but did lead to good questions when trying to decode someone else's behavior.  Can't implies that they are unable but won't implies that they are unwilling.  You can see how the subtle difference will change your responses to their behavior.

The other side of this coin is our own view of ourselves.  Are we limiting ourselves because of what we think and believe?  Do we assume we can't because we won't?  Why not?  Will we not listen to other viewpoints because we can't see their point of view or because we won't?  Are we closed to a variety of options because we can't or won't explore them?  Are we afraid so we believe we can't?  Or are we afraid so we won't?  Do we listen to what others tell us about ourselves and believe in their view of our limitations (however well-meaning they may sound)?  Are we as firmly rooted in our beliefs as we claim, or are we shakier than we claim that other perspectives scare us?

Personality traits to explore...(positive, negative, neutral).

Luke 10:27

And he answering said, Thou shalt love the Lord thy God with all thy heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy strength, and with all thy mind; and thy neighbour as thyself.

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Paying attention to our automatic thoughts.  This one is huge.  Our automatic thoughts are what control our day.  Debra Felita (counselor) says the easiest way to tally these is to grab a piece of paper, put a line down the middle and start writing down every thought that comes to our head for 24 hours.  One the left side of the line, write thoughts about yourself and on the right side write thoughts about other people.  At the end of 24 hours, tally up the (+) and the (-) as far as positive or negative thoughts.   (We actually have to write them all down honestly for this to work!) 70% of our automatic thoughts go unnoticed as we are so used to them that they have become our reality (whether true or not).  How we talk to ourselves is often much worse than how we would dare talk to others.  We can change our automatic thoughts but it takes time and intention, and we have to stop our ruminations.  My counselor really helped me see how limiting my automatic thoughts were, and how damaging they were to my life.  The voices in our heads are the most persuasive and pervasive influence in our lives.  It's as if they are us (they are in our own voice), but they are not.  They may just be damaged belief systems, shame cycles, and things people said in anger to us decades ago that we've never healed.  What are the kinds of negative thoughts that limit us and bring us low?  

Price Pritchett explains these quite well below.  We also have faulty beliefs that "concern" means we care about an issue more than other people do.  Or that "stress" means we're a better employee because it means we care.  We've told ourselves these things to justify our negative thoughts, but it doesn't have to be this way.  Improving our conversation skills will also limit our negative thoughts, because when we can communicate effectively, we don't have to assume things.

• Complaining – Pritchett notes that we complain most about things that are out of our control. To eliminate complaints and focus on improvement is an excellent redirection of energy.  Complaining is more than just expressing dissatisfaction, it's getting stuck in a loop of focusing on problems without seeking solutions. It feels good to complain because it separates you from what’s happening, but it becomes a habit that hinders growth and progress. It’s like a relief valve that feels good the moment it opens up, but when it closes it just fills back up with the same problems.
• Criticism – What role does criticism play in your self-talk? Are you half-empty or half-full? Do you find the good or notice the defect? Do you keep it to yourself, quietly downgrading, or do you find ways to share your observations in a way that encourages and edifies?  At first, pointing out flaws might seem like a way to improve things, but truthfully criticism dulls the shine of achievements and stifles creativity. That’s because criticizing isn’t done with the intention to improve, but rather the intention to bring something down. Shifting from criticism to constructive feedback ignites growth and fosters a more collaborative environment.
• Concern – Pritchett says concern is just old-fashioned worrying. If you inventoried your worries, you’d find that most don’t materialize. Minimize concern.  While having concerns are helpful to serve as warnings and could be positive when coming from a place of caring, it can easily be overdone and turn into worry. We gravitate toward worry because we need a way to express the uncertainty, which evolves into overthinking about things out of our control and is draining.
• Commiserating – The old phrase “misery loves company” comes to mind here. If you’re going to get into the ditch with someone, don’t linger there. Give a helpful hand and a good word. (ask, "How can I help?")  Help them to a better place.  Gathering with friends to share experiences and woes can feel therapeutic initially. But when these discussions get repetitive and stuck in sharing grievances, it can make feeling bad for yourself more acceptable. Ultimately the version of this you’d like to incorporate comes from a place of empathy for others and acceptance for yourself, so that you can reroute your behavior to something more constructive.
• Catastrophizing – Negative thinking makes negative events worse than they are. When you make an event a catastrophe, it takes you off your feet and off your game. Don’t stay there. You can get up. You can step ahead.  This is when things are blown out of proportion and you picture the worst-case scenario. It makes you feel powerless because you’ve made the obstacle out to be so much bigger than it is, and it paralyzes you from feeling like you can take any meaningful action against it. 

[source- The 5 Cs of Negative Thinking]

As you can see, all of these are just a shifting of our mindset, not changing of our actual situations.  These take a ton of mental work but are so freeing and so worth it.  And slowly over time, we will see that our judgement turns to compassion (this is emotional maturity!) as the grief and pain of our old thinking habits and confusing relationships are washed away.  Acknowledging the truth is perhaps the hardest one to acknowledge, when we have many distortions and coping mechanisms blocking out the truth about ourselves and others.  Repenting of these old behaviors and realizing the damage they've caused is pretty hard too though. Thankful for God's grace that covers it all!

Next up...where does our value lie?!

Romans 12:2 And be not conformed to this world: but be ye transformed by the renewing of your mind, that ye may prove what is that good, and acceptable, and perfect, will of God.

Ideas that are new to me - part 1

I'm just going to parse out a few of the topics I've learned about these past few years.  They seem like simple ideas, but I have to admit they are new to me when they are broken down into components.  They have been so helpful on my journey to better health and healing (and joy and peace too!)  Read on...

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Grief vs complaining vs venting vs gossip~

Grief is the active process of letting go of what or who was lost.  It is an emotional, physical, spiritual healing.  It involves the vulnerability of the heart (emotions) not just the mind letting go.  Remember that grief must be shared to be healing, and so it requires an audience.  Grief is the gap between what we expected and what actually is, in any sense.  Our audience however; does not get to decide how long we should hurt for, how much we should hurt or not, nor how we *should* (or shouldn't) to express that hurt.  Pick people who help you heal, not hinder you.  They must be able to handle your pain without taking it on as their own.  (more on codependency below)

Complaining is often venting.  We all do it, and it can be good (processing life's challenges) or bad (avoiding grief).  It feels good, makes us feel validated and most often comes from our brain/ego (thoughts) not our heart (emotions), although they are of course closely linked.  It doesn't let us grieve properly and is only temporary relief as we vent.  There often is no healing in complaining, just prolonging the process.  This prolongs our suffering too, and sometimes we want that (it justifies our victimhood and draws attention to us).  If we never access our heart, complaining will become a way of life and we'll never see healing of the deeper issues. (Often still lurking from childhood when we were too young to know how to express them if we never learned to do so.)  Sometimes we revel in our suffering too, or have learned the message that "life is suffering" and believe that is the only way to be.  If our "cross to bear" is heavy, we must be doing something right!

What's the difference between venting and gossiping then? These can be tricky too.

• You're venting if you're letting off steam about someone or a situation, complaining often doesn't want it solved but is a voicing of dissatisfaction
• You're gossiping if you're trying to change someone's opinion about a person (common enemy alliances form many unhealthy bonds between people)
• You're gossiping if you share personal details without permission (source)

When we cling to our suffering, we are also likely getting something out of it.  Is it a way to avoid something else?  Are we ignoring other things we don't want to admit or face?  Does endless rumination or speculation ever benefit us?  Sometimes it feels like life is a game of whack a mole, and we spend most of our energy putting out fires in our minds and lives.  It doesn't have to be like this!  We can have joy and peace in our relationships, homes and hearts.  We should emanate the joy of the Lord!!  Counseling with an outside source can help us determine all of this and heal those areas where we struggle that we often aren't even aware of.  "If you always do what you've always done, you'll always get what you've always gotten."  Learning new skills can be essential to healing and to growth.  None of us wants to stay stagnant, but growth can be daunting too.

The biggest takeaway from defining these words (I'm barely scratching the surface here, as Greg and I were discussing it later, there are way more differences and similarities between the words), is to check yourself as you speak to others and to ask things like, Am I looking for healing? To let off steam?  Is this a recurrent complaint that I do or don't want to solve?  Am I playing the victim or am I in charge of my own choices and life?  And as a listener, asking the same sorts of questions...Do you want me to offer some suggestions or for me to just listen?  How can I support you most?  Assuming someone is complaining when they're grieving isn't helpful, or assuming someone needs help when they just need comfort isn't helpful either.  Putting a name to what we're feeling is so helpful as we communicate with others and what we expect of them and of ourselves.  I'd say a huge part of communication goes south because these kind of things are assumed and not clarified.

Proverbs 20:5 says "Counsel in the heart of man is like deep water; 

but a man of understanding will draw it out."

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Counseling benefits~

Counseling is for growth.  If we think it's so someone will sympathize with our pain and just be a place to unload; we're wrong.  Their job is to understand our perspective, but not necessarily endorse it.  We'll need to be accountable and vulnerable.  Their job is to help people see themselves in a mirror clearly, so they can grow and heal on their own.  They do not provide answers, solve problems nor take sides.  The amount we can heal depends on how willing we are to sit in our own discomfort and learn and grow from there.  They can teach us to be less depressed or anxious, less defensive and less reactive, less judgmental and more compassionate (to ourselves and others).  "Most things worth doing are difficult" is the long term goal.  Short term discomfort is necessary to get there.  It causes us to see ourselves as we normally would not choose to or have never been able to.  The client can then take a look at that reflection and say "now what do I do?" or choose to turn away in denial as they've done in the past.  Typically, most success comes in the first 15 sessions or so.  People shouldn't need counseling endlessly.  After the first year on a 2 week visit schedule, you should have addressed the major issues and be able to carry on successfully.  If you haven't come to a point where you don't need them anymore after the first year (on a 2 week schedule), they aren't helping you.  They may be pandering to you, but are not helping you grow.  You need to do the homework in order to succeed.  Of course, new life challenges will come up and you may need to go back and get refreshers on how to handle new situations, but overall these are the statistics.

What kind of things can we heal through Christian counseling?  Well, paying attention to our dreams can be a start.  What do we dream about?  Are your dreams peaceful or anxious?  In present time or in the past?  What are we afraid of?

"We humans are all afraid of hurt, of being humiliated, of failure and of success.  We are afraid of being alone and afraid of connection.  We are afraid to listen to what our hearts are really telling us.  We are afraid of being unhappy and afraid of being too happy.  We are afraid of bad health and good fortune.  We are afraid of not having our parents' approval and afraid of accepting ourselves as we really are.  We are afraid of envy and of having too much.  We are afraid of having hope in things we might not get.  We are afraid of something happening to our kids and our spouses and our jobs.  We are afraid of not having control and afraid of our own power.  We are afraid of how briefly we are alive, and afraid of how long we'll be dead.  We are afraid that when we die, we won't have mattered.  We are afraid of being responsible for our own lives."  ~Lori Gottlieb

Proverbs 15:22   Without counsel purposes are disappointed: 

But in the multitude of counsellors they are established.

Counseling also addresses our need for drama in our lives.  Most unhealed people are sucked into other people's problems and crises, unfair issues and policies and seem to go from one calamity to another. (And we think this is because we care about others so much!) This is done to avoid the chaos in our own hearts and minds, and is a form of self-medication.  If we are honest, we really often only care about other people's bad news, not their good news as that has no drama in it.  An honest question to clarify this would be- How much time do we spend discussing other people's good news and successes?  Compared to bad?

A counselor will also not tell you what to do, because all of us resent this.  We all want autonomy and agency over our own lives, and when someone gives out unsolicited advice, it strips us of this.  Ask yourself if you had a creative idea, if someone came in and took it from you, "improved" it with their own ideas, would you still want to do it?  Would you still think it's your idea anymore?  This is what happens with unsolicited advice.  When we assume we know better than someone else knows about their very own life, we suck the life (and capability and autonomy) out of them with our advice.  There's even words for this which none of us want to admit we are one!  Interestingly, now that I'm healing, I have no interest in the drama of others. (I used to!)  I don't need to give advice, I don't need to feel obligated to take a side with someone's story.  I can empathize, but do it objectively.  I still struggle with the empathetic responses instead of fix-it solutions, but it's getting better little by little.  But, life can be boring with no other people's drama to have an opinion on, I'll admit!

kibitz: to look on and offer unwanted advice to others

quidnunc: a person eager to learn news and scandal

know-it-all: is a person who imparts the correct way to do something, or other information, with a sense of superiority 

How does this happen?  Slowly over time there is a 5 step process that our brains take in order to change our mindsets.  A counselor cannot make these happen, but they assist in the process.

1. Pre-contemplation- often more looks like denial that there is even something that needs changing, people get irritated if you mention a problem, and often the information just needs to be given in general terms and the persuading is done on their own brain in their own time and in their own way.
2. Contemplation- is ambivalence, it's resistance to a problem.  Willing to talk about the problem but not willing or able to do anything about it yet. (people often start counseling at this point) People often procrastinate or self-sabotage at this point to put off making changes they know need to be made.  The loss of the old and the anxiety of the new is daunting.
3. Preparation- time to face the battles, being brutally honest with the changes that need to be made.  Time to make new habits and commit to new accountabilities.
4. Action- doing it and following through.  This is the hardest part...getting out of the old habits and into the new.  There's often a lot of pushback from those around us who are used to the old.
5. Maintenance- the stage where there's been a significant amount of time after the changes have been made. Often breaking free from old habits of substance abuse, other people's drama, negativity and self-defeating ways of living, and living a life of less reactivity and calmness of body and spirit seems alienlike for a while but then is so freeing and peaceful!

The infographic below is helpful for ideas to be empathetic without giving unsolicited advice.

Here's more info on codependency.  I am still navigating getting away from this.  It's been a huge part of my identity and life, bending to the alleged needs of others in order to feel worthy, accepted and needed.  Breaking free has been super hard, because those roles are firmly established, especially with close family and friends.

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Either/or vs both/and thinking

One of the new-to-me concepts I've also learned in counseling is pretty simple and that is both/and vs either/or thinking.  I hope we all do it already, but seeing it laid out, I knew that I was pretty unfamiliar with it in depth.  For some reason, our society has come up with the idea that thoughts must be either/or.  If I'm right, then you must be wrong.  If I am feeling one thing, then I can't be feeling another.  If I have a burden, then it must be worse or better than someone else's.  This of course leads to a ton of judgement and comparing whose pain is worse and who "deserves" compassion or not.  Either/or belief systems are very heavy on my way or your way, without seeing that most topics are 50+ shades of gray, so to speak.  Very few things are black and white only.  There's room for everyone's ideas, everyone's pain, everyone's feelings.  These aren't limited by our inability to see or acknowledge them.  This idea was new to me in that if someone else had a belief about something, and I disagreed with them, I felt that I must be wrong in order for them to be right. (Shame, there you are again!) You can see how limiting this can be.  We can both be right for our own list of reasons from our own life experiences.  

The only *alleged* downside to the both/and belief system is that it will reduce your arguing with others.  When we can see many sides of a situation, it takes us off our moral high horse and leads to conversations with understanding for someone else's point of view.  It levels the playing field and helps us try to understand one another rather than trying to convince them that either I'm right or you're right. Either/or thinking basically simplifies complex topics, which are full of important nuance and clarifying details.  It also makes us more approachable and flexible, and reduces assumptions and blaming.  Being unteachable is not a Christian virtue.  We are all a work in progress, and God's not done with any of us yet!  It's also realizing that none of us has the monopoly on truth.

Things that are both/and at the same time, not either/or (just quickly off the top of my head).  These are the dichotomies of a day in the life of a Christian!

Sinner and saint

Deserving and undeserving

Redeemed and fallible

Confident and fearful

Prideful and humble

Earthly and heavenly minded

Needed and needing

Faithful and doubting

Grace filled and judgmental

Hopeful and doubting

Right and wrong

Forgiving and hurt

Obedient and resisting

Joy and grief/sadness

Over spiritualizing and under spiritualizing

Pious and negligent

Also words like bittersweet and spendthrift (someone who has a lot of money by being thrifty) too

In parenting these issues come up too, and they don't have to be one or the other.  Both have their own list of pros and cons.  One isn't right, so the other must be wrong.  This is so divisive to think this way.

Home birth vs hospital birth

Homeschool vs public vs private

Vax vs unvaxx

Cosleep vs not 

and on and on ad nauseum...

It's also things like worrying when your teens are out late and still being able to sleep when they aren't home yet.

Here's some infographics that help explain it further:

Another way that it is mentioned is called dialectical thinking (vs linear or binary).

This also then means~

1. I don't have to share my opinion, but only if I want to (I can still have one)
2. I don't have to take a side (there's often not just 2 sides, there's many)
3. I don't need to try fix/change anyone
4. I don't need to try to change someone else's opinion
5. I don't need to defend my choices (but I will own them)
6. I can have my own firm beliefs
7. I'm not obligated to engage in an issue (it's my choice)
8. I can stand up for myself clearly and concisely
9. I have the same value as everyone else

(And the same is true for you!)

Dear Lord, We pray that you will deliver us from anything that binds us. Enable us to see the work of the evil one, and strengthen us against him.  Set us free from anything that keeps us from becoming all You made us to be.  We know you have a wonderful plan for our lives which includes deliverance, healing and restoration.  Help us to never settle for less than all You have for us. We look to You as our healer and restorer.  Amen.

Joel 2:25 And I will restore to you the years that the locust hath eaten...