When I was recently going down the rabbit hole learning about empathy, I stumbled upon the whole new (to me) world of emotional maturity. Yeah, this is another toughie to acknowledge and navigate! Lack of empathy goes hand in hand with knowing our own feelings and thus being able to enter the world of others in empathy. There's plenty of videos and books out there on the subject if you want to learn more, but the biggest key to emotional maturity is being brutally self-aware and honest. (Remember AA's rule #4 to "make a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves")
If you've just met someone new, and are trying to figure out how emotionally healthy they are, the simplest way is to ask them stories about their past. In listening to the stories, do they overall take ownership for their life, or do they blame circumstances and other people for the way things have turned out. The good and the bad. Do they direct their own life, or are external circumstances apparently running the show? People who take ownership are typically more emotionally healthy, whereas those who complain about all their bum luck likely are still emotionally immature.
A few other things to notice that would indicate immaturity would be (1) egocentrism (self-preoccupation and they swiftly entangle you in their expectations) (2) limited empathy (unable to put themselves in another's shoes) (3) avoid self-reflection (rarely question themselves or their behavior, get defensive and double down on their position if challenged) (4) avoids emotional intimacy (get defensive, evasive or belligerent when you try to relate to them with openness or honesty) (5) affective realism (reality is defined by what they feel it to be; they deny, distort, or dismiss anything they don't like). They see life in "clichéd sound bites" because life as a whole (past, present & future) is too overwhelming. This can also be why they can solve everyone else's problems, but not their own. They see their own problems as magnanimous, and other people's as child's play. Also, if they feel someone is getting too close or loving them too much, they will often blurt out hurtful things to keep the walls of protectiveness up for safety. There's usually a history of pain in childhood that says vulnerability is scary and hurtful.
Here's a chart below too. I can see now how far I was on the left side, but with growth and healing I am moving more categories over to the right side a bit at a time.
There seems to be two camps when it comes to how we learn to relate emotionally, as described above. There's internalizers and externalizers. This seems to start when we are small children as we view the world around us and adapt/cope accordingly. The internalizers view the world's problems as fixable and within their responsibility and grasp to fix. Thus, they take in all the problems that they observe and feel, and then they believe it to be their burden to fix (a lifetime of shame anyone?!). They can't see the give/take of each of us being many parts of a whole. They literally carry the weight of the world on their shoulders every day. The externalizers on the other hand view the world as "not my problem" and always feel that others should be doing more for them, but get overwhelmed easily because every little thing rocks their boats. They cannot see how they could have contributed to any negative situations, as they see themselves as "good people" with good intentions. They often resent internalizers and feel like they themselves got the short end of the stick because internalizers seem to have more success in life. This can severely damage friendships and relationships as they are unable to see the damage they cause by their immaturity and insecurities. Very few people are a good balance of both types, but we can each learn new skills (as I've said over and over!). As with everything else, these are on a continuum, from mild to extreme.
**This does not correlate to introvert/extrovert personalities. You can have introverted externalizers and extroverted internalizers.
"Labeled as emotionally sensitive, Internalizers crave genuine connection. Because they crave genuine connection, they’ll do too much for other people while neglecting themselves. They’re also deeply attuned to other people’s feelings and will find themselves absorbing everything and everyone around them energetically." (one source said they do 80% of the emotional regulation in relationships)
"Externalizers have a tough time regulating their emotions because external factors strongly influence them. Rather than taking responsibility for their problems, Externalizers blame others and deny that they have any role in the problem or conflict. If a partner tells an Externalizer that something isn’t working in the relationship, their first response will likely be to deny the problem exists or blame their partner for the problem." [source, more info on internalizers vs externalizers]
Internalizers
-tend to be self-aware, self-reflective, perceptive, and sensitive
-like to reflect on things and love learning
-try to figure out how to respond advantageously instead of being reactive
-seem more mature and insightful and tend to be competent and reliable
-thoroughly process their experiences
-feel a responsibility toward other people
-are likely to have been "parentified" as children, meaning their parents leaned on their capabilities and relied on them as confidants or helpers
Externalizers
-tend to be excitable and react impulsively, even if quiet or introverted
-have low tolerance for stress and take swift action, even if ill-considered, to blow off tension
-get themselves in trouble by not thinking of future consequences; they live for the present moment and aren't strategic about their lives
-are not self-reflective and externalize blame for their troubles onto other people
-are angry that so many frustrating and distressing things happen to them but rarely question their own behavior as part of the problem
-can gravitate towards substance abuse, addictions, or highly dependent or conflictual relationships
-tend to think that everyone else could be trying harder
Another aspect of emotional immaturity is called triangulation. These folks prefer to talk about you to someone else (the good and the bad), because talking to you might increase connection, and isn't safe. So, adding a third person to the mix lets them express themselves without the risk of deeper connections in friendships and relationships. They'd often rather there always be a bit of friction in relationships rather than connection. (Yes, I even recall hearing one of my cousins saying this about her marriage!) Most people don't even recognize they do this, it's a self-protective mechanism in place from long ago.
Relationships that are immature are also not a level playing field, but are instead defined by step up/down roles. Parent-child ones that stay that way into adulthood are most common, but any can result in this healer-healee, guru-student, wise one-dummy, etc. These are mostly rooted in control and self-image issues. Love gets all mixed up in this game, along with approval and worthiness, making it really messy to sort out!
Here's some more infographics that outline the differences~
With all this work I've put in changing a lifetime of belief paradigms about myself and others that I have formed into habits, it's been a lot of work. These have been doors that I want to just open and shut again, and not have to go through the room to healing. But, it doesn't work that way. Peace and freedom come from doing the work of processing. And some of the conclusions I've come to have been really hard to swallow. And then there's lots of forgiveness of myself and others to process too. And it all happens inside your head and heart and you really can't explain it to someone else the depth and breadth and height of it all. So, although I may look the same as I always did, I'm viewing the world from a completely new viewpoint. One with a lot more compassion (for myself and others) and empathy, and a lot less judgements. But, I also have new boundaries, which means I'm not willing to be a doormat for emotional vomit anymore, and all adult relationships will be on a even give and take, level playing field arena. (I've been taking my Carcinosin!)
If you see yourself as one who is emotionally immature because you've never learned these skils, knowing what to do with big emotions can be daunting (fear, anger, scared, even joy). Teaching your kids to move through them can be as well! This list is helpful, the main point is to be curious, and not judgmental of yourself or others in this time. Just go slow and work through it.
This list below has a few ways we try to cope when we don't know what to do with our big emotions. Often we are overwhelmed because when we were little and didn't have the skills to deal with these, they were much bigger than they are now. Now we are adults and we are bigger than them! Knowing we are doing the distortions is the first step to learning to process emotions in healthy ways. The list above helps us learn to walk through them slowly so they don't overwhelm us. (also called triggers)
One last thing I learned, is that we retain beliefs about ourselves mostly from others ("labeling" in the infographic above), as the specific words spoken to us in conflict. If our character was attacked rather than our behavior, these things cut much deeper and will remain until we actively seek to heal them. This is shame (I am bad) vs guilt (I did something bad) beliefs. Sadly, most things said to us in heightened emotional states are the things that are not true about us, instead of those that are. The reason we remember them is because our bodies are so hurt by them, that they are trying to protect us from those things ever being said again so they bring back the alerts regularly. Working through believing our intrinsic worth is only from God, and believing what He says about us is a process, as is forgiving those who hurt us too. If you've said hurtful things about or to your children that degrades their character, it's time to apologize. Our childhood mistakes are not our character.
Further reading~
