It's been an interesting year. I'm not even sure where to start, but will just start back at the beginning. I received a book called
Gracelaced around my birthday last year, and slowly delved into it. It was a long journey of learning to understand grace at another level. It challenged me to be still with being still, and to rest in what God has done for me. I know all this stuff in my head, but applying it is more challenging. I always want to be serving, fulfilling, doing and not just being. While I'd like to think that my faith isn't based on what I do, somehow I think I should be always doing more than I am. I go to bed every night feeling like a failure because I don't do as many things as I think I should. So, this book made me delve into my own heart and examine the 'why' I do what I do. I don't see my self as a perfectionist or over-achiever, but still put a lot of stock into how much production happens in a day. This book challenged those thoughts and evaluated my intentions thoroughly, in a good way.
After that book was finished, I had the whole
Above Rubies retreat to deal with, which I've already blogged about. That threw all my ideas for a loop again. This persuaded me to do more, be more, expect more and that it all depends on my performance. Oh, dear. The opposite of where I just came from. The summer came and went as I pondered these thoughts, as well as walking alongside friends who had various struggles as well, which made me dig back in time in my own childhood and see why I have a lot of the thoughts and ideas that I do, the good and the bad. It dug up our marriage to the core as we examined where we stand as a couple. It made Greg and I face our own selves and behaviors and habits, our strengths and our weaknesses. Where we thrive and where we struggle. Lots of deep stuff. Thankfully we now have a teenager (who enjoys babysitting), so we've been able to go for coffee in Kalama every Saturday night and talk some of these hard things through.
All this talking has exposed a few things. Vulnerability. Ouch. That one hurts. I definitely struggle with that. So, I've had to go back and figure out why. Shame. Deep down shame from long, long ago in childhood (for me this was mostly my schoolteachers, but for some it can be divorce, abuse, neglect, etc). Shame is the feeling that "I (as a person) am bad". Different from guilt which is "I did something bad". Had to dig into that one too and find the source. Fear. Many fears that are creeping into my own marriage and even more into my parenting that I wanted to expose and heal from. I realized that most of my negative self-worth is from schoolteachers and classmates continually reinforcing the unwritten rules that grades, athletic ability, beauty and popularity are the traits that were worth something. If you didn't have those, you were worthless (me!). Whether that was said, or just implied, it didn't matter. I've learned that my school years did not define my life though. I've had an entirely enjoyable life without worrying about being the smartest, cutest, fastest or being the life of the party. My parents didn't ascribe to this mentality, and always reaffirmed my worth, but school everyday dismissed it again and again.
Through this all, I decided it was time to seek help for proceeding with some of my findings, since I was having trouble sorting them out on my own. When I first went to the counselor, and told her what was going on, she just said, "I don't think you've forgiven yourself for all of those things that are still hurting you from childhood." Wow! That's exactly what it was. I had forgiven all those people who had hurt me, but I hadn't forgiven myself. Many of the hurtful things were true, which was why I felt like such a failure. When random people bully us or treat us badly; it's often due to their own insecurities and we can brush them off easier than if the bully is in our family or is a trusted one. It often hurts more because when people who are close to us hurt us, it's because they know our weaknesses and hit us where it hurts much easier.
Through this next journey, I've been working through these books. The counselor recommended a book called
Parables for a Wounded Heart which has been very healing and eye-opening. The one quote that was really worth sharing was "
children are excellent recorders of events, but poor interpreters of them" (due to our lack of maturity at the ages when the hurts happened). This book has you dig deep into your childhood to figure out why you react to situations the way you do, why your self-talk is negative or self-critical, and why your relationships with others may struggle due to your past. We all have hurts from the past, so understanding how to move forward in a positive direction is crucial to healing from them in a healthy way and have healthy relationships with those we love.
"Do you tend to be self-critical or negative about yourself? Did you experience painful childhood events that wounded your self-esteem? When children experience criticism, rejection, trauma or abuse, they usually perceive that they are to blame. Such painful events can alter their identity, not who they are, but who they believe that they are. A self-esteem wound, or wound of the heart, is formed. A self-esteem wound is a hurt or a series of hurts that affects your core being, sense of self or self-concept. "Parables for a Wounded Heart" is a breakthrough guide to help you heal your self-esteem wounds."
After my first appointment, I spent some time thinking about what I learned. I went to the Goodwill to wander and I came across the book
The Gift of Forgiveness which I've been working through as well. Although I feel like I have a pretty good handle on forgiveness due to Christ's influence in my life and Biblical examples and commands, I wasn't quite sure how to forgive myself. The one thing I learned is that if we can think back on our childhood hurts with compassion rather than fear/disdain/judgement, then we have healed and forgiven our selves and others. This in turn helps us feel free to talk about those hurts freely with people we trust.
Eph. 4:29-32 Let no corrupt communication proceed out of your mouth, but that which is good to the use of edifying, that it may minister grace unto the hearers. And grieve not the holy Spirit of God, whereby ye are sealed unto the day of redemption. Let all bitterness, and wrath, and anger, and clamour, and evil speaking, be put away from you, with all malice: And be ye kind one to another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God for Christ's sake hath forgiven you.
This fall we were also introduced to
The Pineapple Story by Otto Koning. This threw our perspective for another loop in such a good way. Our family listened to these cds all fall on our way to and from church, and then spent the week mulling over how we could apply the thoughts to our lives, in the way that God wants specifically for our family. So encouraging, so uplifting, so real, so convicting. I've been encouraging many other people to listen to them as well. On the link above, you can listen online for free. The titles give some idea to the topics "God Enjoys the Impossible", "The Weapon of Rejoicing", "The Weapon of Love" etc.
Another book that also has been helpful is
The Gifts of Imperfection: Let Go of Who You Think You are Supposed to Be and Embrace Who You Are.
This book was also really good. She delves into the common mis-perception that perfectionism will lead to happiness. (and clarifies the difference between perfectionism and striving for excellence) She talks about her own journey in becoming more authentic, more vulnerable, more free and more wholesome. Her goal in the book, and for herself was to be "wholehearted". How to let go of others expectations of us, how to embrace our own tenderness, how to fully embrace joy, and how to give our children the real deal parents (we can't give them what we don't have ourselves), but most of all how to love ourselves. For her (and most of us), these needs for change happen at midlife
(read her candid article here). We're burned out by living life by other peoples standards, and also don't like the results of our own efforts coming to fruition. She helps go through the process of owning our own story and how to offer the important gifts of courage, compassion and connection with those we love (instead of dreading every minute with them because relationships are much harder to tend to than to-do lists).
A few things she mentions in the book~ Do we shield ourselves from our own or someone else's pain with compassion? Or do we shut down or go into fix-it mode? Only when we own our own darkness and hard things, can we offer compassion equally. Otherwise we tend to respond with judgement not compassion and healing. The same applies with giving/receiving help. If we can give help, but are not willing to receive any help, we attach judgement to both as well. It's only when we can give and receive it freely that we are equal with others. Do we attach some sort of self-worth with never receiving help, but always offering it? To build true connection with others, the flow must go both ways equally. (Ouch, those were hard!)
The next chapter is on love and belonging. The only difference between those who feel a deep sense of love and belonging with those who struggle for it, was the belief that they were worthy of it. Do we feel worthy of unconditional love, or do we feel we have to earn it by performing, perfecting, pleasing or proving? Worthiness doesn't come with prerequisites. Unconditional love doesn't either. (Jesus loving us is the prime example of this). Love and belonging will always be uncertain, meaning we can't measure them, yet we all long for them.
“To begin by always thinking of love as an action rather than a feeling is one way in which anyone using the word in this manner automatically assumes accountability and responsibility. We are often taught we have no control over our "feelings." Yet most of us accept that we choose our actions, that intention and will inform what we do. We also accept that our actions have consequences. ”
~Bell Hooks
The next chapter is about the things that get in the way of living wholeheartedly. Namely, shame, fear and vulnerability. If we don't talk about these things freely, we won't ever be able to love and belong freely. We have all the how-to books and programs out there, yet in America we are the most addicted, medicated, obese, over-spending nation in the world. Why? Because we try to numb out the hard stuff and just want the good stuff. The less we talk about the hard stuff, the more control it has over us. Shame has the painful ability to make us feel we are flawed and therefore unworthy of love and belonging. We all feel shame in some way or at some times in our lives, but what we do with that shame destines what happens to us.
Authenticity is another one we need to embrace for wholeheartedness. This is the courage to be imperfect, to set boundaries and also to let ourselves be vulnerable. It's exercising compassion from knowing our strengths and struggles, and nurturing the connection and sense of belonging that comes from believing we are enough. It demands wholehearted living and loving, when it's really hard and when it's intensely joyful as well. We also must ask ourselves what we do to numb our authenticity. Do we keep too busy, save the world too much, read too many escape novels, drink or smoke too much, or anything else that hides us from just being still and vulnerable with those we love? Can we be uncomfortably honest with ourselves? When we ignore the discomfort with dealing with the hard things, we also lose our ability to feel true joy. We all have habits that numb our pains, but we also numb our joy by using these habits.
Laughter, song and dance. This one irked me. Although I fully believe in them, I still struggle. I rarely laugh, I do sing but not as often as I wish I did, and I never dance. Never. She talks of how doing these things is great for building spiritual and emotional connection with our loved ones, and I know this is true. We grew up in a church culture of "dancing is bad", so knowing how to address this one, I'm unsure of as of yet. In the book she talks of dancing in the kitchen to feel-good songs with your husband and kids, so I'm going to start there. I'll need to dig up some old feel-good tunes to help me in this area. She says how our lives should have a sound track of songs that bring meaning, hope, memories and healing for us. I agree. "Ain't it funny how a melody, can bring back a memory?" Although I do play music every day, I'm going to focus on singing along more often and laughing with my family more as well. There's that fear of vulnerability and letting go stuff again. I. hate. it. But, oh well. I'll keep working on it.
Here's
Brene Brown's TED talk on vulnerability that's been helpful too.
And there's where it's at right now. Still lots of work to do. Still lots of learning as well. I'm up for the challenge, hard as it may be!
This was my devotion a bit ago, from Daily Light on the Daily Path~
