Codependency Primer

I promised a post on codependency a while back, and kind of forgot about it.  Hopefully I can start blogging about more fun and interesting topics soon, as this stuff is pretty deep and heavy, although healing.  A big part of many dysfunctional relationships is a level of codependency or emotional enmeshment in them which leads to the problem being swept under the rug, ignored, excused, minimized or blamed.  I've read several books on codependency (Melodie Beattie is the author who coined the term back in the 80s) and instead of doing a whole book review, I'm just going to post some infographics on what it is (I love charts and graphs, being a visual person myself).  Melodie's books are from an AA standpoint which leans heavily on "your Higher Power" and such, so I had to sift pretty heavily through them for God's truth as we know it so although I don't recommend them, they are kind of the gold standard in calling it what it is.  These are both new words to me, so I'm just trying to explain them as best as I understand them.

This first chart should have been included in my post on communication, but somehow it got missed so I'm going to post it here.  Lots of good ideas for being a better listener.

  

Enmeshment is another word that goes right with codependency, and they are often one and the same.  "Enmeshment is a description of a relationship between two or more people in which personal boundaries are permeable and unclear. This often happens on an emotional level in which two people “feel” each other’s emotions, or when one person becomes emotionally escalated and the other family member does as well. A good example of this is when a teenage daughter gets anxious and depressed and her mom, in turn, gets anxious and depressed. When they are enmeshed the mom is not able to separate her emotional experience from that of her daughter even though they both may state that they have clear personal boundaries with each other. Enmeshment between a parent and child will often result in over involvement in each other’s lives so that it makes it hard for the child to become developmentally independent and responsible for her choices.

"The causes of enmeshment can vary. Sometimes there is an event or series of occurrences in a family’s history that necessitates a parent becoming protective in their child’s life, such as an illness, trauma, or significant social problems in elementary school. At this time the parent steps in to intervene. While this intervention may have been appropriate at the time, some parents get stuck using that same approach in new settings and become overly involved in the day to day interactions of their children.

"Other times, and perhaps more frequently, enmeshment occurs as a result of family patterns being passed down through the generations. It is a result of family and personal boundaries becoming more and more permeable, undifferentiated, and fluid. This may be because previous generations were loose in their personal boundaries and so it was learned by the next generation to do the same. Or it may be a conscious decision to stay away from family patterns of a previous generation that felt overly rigid in its personal boundaries.

The Other Relationship Extreme

"The opposite of enmeshment is disengagement, in which personal and relational boundaries are overly rigid and family members come and go without any apparent knowledge of what each other is going through. This can be just as problematic as enmeshment. In fact, in its extremes, disengagement can be more difficult to work with because it’s easier to teach an engaged relationship how to redirect some of their energy than it is to get a disengaged relationship to engage.

Balanced Relationships:

"A good relational balance involves family members recognizing that they have different emotions and can make independent decisions, while also recognizing that their decisions affect others. In these relationships, a parent can see that their daughter is upset and anxious and can even empathize with her, but this does not get the parent into an aroused emotional state in which they feel like they have to fix the emotion (or that which caused the emotion) of their daughter. They empathize and show nurturing concern for their daughter but allow her the emotional space to solve her own problems with their support.

Signs You May Need Help:

"Those in enmeshed relationships are often the last to see it. But with awareness, you can start to recognize some of the signs: If you cannot tell the difference between your own emotions and those of a person with whom you have a relationship.

• If you feel like you need to rescue someone from their emotions.
• If you feel like you need someone else to rescue you from your own emotions.
• If you and another person do not have any personal emotional time and space.

These symptoms indicate that your relationship might benefit from the help of a qualified family therapist."

(source)

Co-dependency is a learned behavior that can be passed down from one generation to another. It is an emotional and behavioral condition that affects an individual’s ability to have a healthy, mutually satisfying relationship. It is also known as “relationship addiction” because people with codependency often form or maintain relationships that are one-sided, emotionally destructive and/or abusive.

(source)

Here's some questions to ask yourself if you are codependent in (any) relationships.  It doesn't have to be all or nothing, often it's just certain one(s) {relationships and traits}

1. Do you keep quiet to avoid arguments?

2. Are you always worried about others’ opinions of you?
3. Have you ever lived with someone with an alcohol or drug problem or mental illness?
4. Have you ever lived with someone who hits or belittles you?
5. Are the opinions of others more important than your own?
6. Do you have difficulty adjusting to changes at work or home?
7. Do you feel rejected when significant others spend time with friends?
8. Do you doubt your ability to be who you want to be?
9. Are you uncomfortable expressing your true feelings to others?
10. Have you ever felt inadequate?
11. Do you feel like a “bad person” when you make a mistake?
12. Do you have difficulty taking compliments or gifts?
13. Do you feel humiliation when your child or spouse makes a mistake?
14. Do you think people in your life would go downhill without your constant efforts?
15. Do you frequently wish someone could help you get things done?
16. Do you have difficulty talking to people in authority, such as the police or your boss?
17. Are you confused about who you are or where you are going with your life?
18. Do you have trouble saying “no” when asked for help?
19. Do you have trouble asking for help?
20. Do you have so many things going at once that you can’t do justice to any of them?

Communication primer

Here's a few things I'm learning about communication.  Better late than never, I suppose.  I've seen many lacks in my own habits, and am trying to correct them as they are brought to my own attention.  Maybe they can help you learn something new too!

From Debra Felita's podcast called Secrets to Good Communication: The Art of Conversation, I learned about these walls of effective communication that we often have built in some way or another.  These hamper our ability to communicate effectively and can break down relationships.  Often they are learned young for our own protection from being hurt, but then we employ them long after they've served their purpose because we don't know any better.

• Isolation- we pull away to not be vulnerable, and don't feel comfortable expressing ourself
• Denial- fail to take responsibility in conflicts, quick to blame, defensive
• Withdrawl- run away from conflict, fight or flee
• Displacement- take our frustrations out on other people
• Invalidation- ignore acts or words of loved ones of value
• Fantasy- escape reality rather than deal with people
• Passive-aggression- avoid conflict then jab with low-blows, holding in anger until you explode
• Rage- flip out rather than sharing what is the root cause- hurt, frustration, stress
• Humor- can be used to avoid hard conversations and deflect pain

None of these above are based in truth.  They usually have hints of truth, but are not the whole truth.  We distort the truth to suit our perceived needs.

Next thing I've learned is the 4 horsemen of conflict that erode relationships from Dr. John Gottman.  (He's the guy who can predict marital success or failure by watching 5 minutes of interactions of conflict, by the way).  These can be used in any relationship, not just marriage.

1. Criticism- Criticizing your partner is different than offering a critique or voicing a complaint. The latter two are about specific issues, whereas the former is an ad hominem attack. It is an attack on your partner at the core of their character. In effect, you are dismantling their whole being when you criticize.
2. Contempt-  When we communicate in this state, we are truly mean—we treat others with disrespect, mock them with sarcasm, ridicule, call them names, and mimic or use body language such as eye-rolling or scoffing. The target of contempt is made to feel despised and worthless.  Contempt goes far beyond criticism. While criticism attacks your partner’s character, contempt assumes a position of moral superiority over them.
3. Defensiveness- It is typically a response to criticism. We’ve all been defensive, and this horseman is nearly omnipresent when relationships are on the rocks. When we feel unjustly accused, we fish for excuses and play the innocent victim so that our partner will back off.  Unfortunately, this strategy is almost never successful. Our excuses just tell our partner that we don’t take their concerns seriously and that we won’t take responsibility for our mistakes.
4. Stonewalling- The fourth horseman is stonewalling, which is usually a response to contempt. Stonewalling occurs when the listener withdraws from the interaction, shuts down, and simply stops responding to their partner. Rather than confronting the issues with their partner, people who stonewall can make evasive maneuvers such as tuning out, turning away, acting busy, or engaging in obsessive or distracting behaviors.

It takes time for the negativity created by the first three horsemen to become overwhelming enough that stonewalling becomes an understandable “out,” but when it does, it frequently becomes a bad habit. And unfortunately, stonewalling isn’t easy to stop. It is a result of feeling physiologically flooded, and when we stonewall, we may not even be in a physiological state where we can discuss things rationally.

The next here is a way that is healthy to handle conflict (acronym STABEN from The Instinct to Heal by Dr. David Servan-Schreiber).  I'm guilty of too much listening to other peoples venting that was unproductive and could/should be classified as gossip over the years.  And I still don't know where that line between verbally processing our feelings,  angry/frustrated venting, and plain old slander come in.  I feel like it's kind of a gray area that I need guidance on.  I'm also guilty of doing it myself as I sorted thoughts and tried to find solutions out loud.  I'm not sure what is classified as sin and what isn't on either side.  I've repented of the past sins, but it isn't always clear guidelines going forward.  Lots to learn still...

S for SOURCE--Make sure you are dealing with the person who is the source of the problem and has the means to solve it. Deal directly with that person versus complaining to someone else about the problem.  

T for TIME and PLACE--Make sure that the discussion takes place at a favorable time (both of you have had time to "cool down" and are in a calm place) and in a protected, private place where you can talk in peace and you can be sure the other person is fully available. 

A for AMICABLE APPROACH--Use a "soft start-up," sharing first what you most value and appreciate about the other before moving into the discussion about the problem. Then, speak from your heart, filtering everything you say through your heart. Speak the truth in the most kind, gentle, caring, and respectful way possible. Use "I" versus "You" statements (which invite defensiveness). Express your complaint without criticizing or assassinating the other's character. 

B for OBJECTIVE BEHAVIOR--Explain what upset you, referring to the actual behavior and what happened, without moral judgment. "When you did such and such" and that's it. Example: "When you showed up late for work." Avoid such statements as-- "When you were lazy this morning and slept in." E for EMOTION--After the description of the facts must come the emotions you experienced as a result of them. Example: "When you showed up late for work, I felt disappointed and "let down" because I wanted to be at my meeting on time and I couldn't leave the office until you arrived." Avoid saying, "I felt angry" which invites defensiveness and is an emotion expressed towards another versus an expression of an inner hurt. 

N for NEED--It is very helpful to conclude by expressing the need you have. Example: "I need security at work, to know that I won't be humiliated or wounded by caustic remarks, especially from someone as important as you." Or, "I need to feel connected to you, to feel that I matter to you, even when we are surrounded with friends." 

Based directly from this source: Servan-Schreiber, Dr. David, "Enhancing Emotional Communication," In Healing Without Freud or Prozac, p185-202.

From the same book, this is one way of how to listen with our hearts, focused especially if someone is suffering.  He is a doctor, helping other doctors listen to their patients better, but these principles are helpful for us all.  He did much work in war torn Kosovo where there were no simple answers, yet he offered hope using this unique way.  The acronym is BATHE, from The 15 minute Hour by Stuart M.R. and Lieberman J.A.

1. Background- To connect with someone, you must find out what happened to give them pain (physical or emotional).  This often means listening for 2 minutes without interruption.  The person will often go on much longer, as the essentials are not in the facts but in the feelings.
2. Affect- The important question here is "How does this affect you?" or "How does it make you feel?"
3. Trouble- This is the step we all want to avoid, but the most necessary one.  The one to dive down deep to the bottom is then what gets us back up to the top.  "And what troubles you the most?" It may seem discourteous or indecent when someone is suffering, but also is the magic that helps the person see for themself what to do when they are muddled by overwhelming emotions.  We tend to actually have the answers ourselves, we often just can't see them clearly, if at all.
4. Handling- After giving a voice to the emotions, then capitalize on the energy by asking, "And what helps you the most to handle this?"  That turns their attention from the problem to the solutions.  Even when we see people we love in their weakest moments, we must never underestimate their capacity to deal with the most difficult of circumstances.  We all are stronger and more resilient than we think.  Our role as bystander/family/friend is being present with them in their time of suffering, instead of offering a panoply of solutions and clumsily taking on their problems. 
   
5. Empathy- Part of the way we help our loved ones is by sending them off with the confidence that (a) someone cares about them, (b) they are not alone but have an ally in their struggle, and that (c) they are strong enough to carry on and handle what is ahead.  Pain can be like a big weight around our neck, and by talking to someone about it (and by them responding that they heard the pain in your voice), the path of pain will be decreased.

As I learn more myself, I can see how I've lacked through the years (Don't worry, I knew I was bad at communicating, I just didn't know how or what to do about it). I'm finding all these tools work better on new people, not those who I have years or decades of bad habits.  Setting new boundaries for healthier communication is harder than it sounds!  

It Didn't Start With You ~ book review

 

What can I say?   Just this.  This book was a tough one to read.  I had to dig deep, and I had to be honest with myself yet again.  These answers to my many questions have not come at all in the ways I've expected, that's for sure.  And they have come at just the right times too.  One thing that Debra Fileta says over and over on her podcasts, is that God gives us healing when He knows we're ready for it.  One layer at a time, not too many all at once.  I have to believe this is true, hard as it's been to muck through.  I often wonder if I have expected too much out of life, to have so many questions that I just didn't know what to do about.  Or if the seeking was intentional for my own healing in the right time.  I tend to lean towards the second.  Also, as our children get older, I see similar traits in them that may have been chalked up to "genetics" or perhaps to good/bad parenting, but truly may also be rooted in our past generations trauma and epigenetics (how our genes are turned off or on due to environmental factors).  This book was just what I needed to take the next step in healing.  I don't  necessarily like to use the word "trauma", for I feel it's never explained well, and it's far overused, but in this case I will.  My family has had some trauma in it.  So has yours. It's all different, it's all affected us, it's all being passed down to your children and mine.  That's just the way it is.

Exodus 34:7

“Keeping mercy for thousands, forgiving iniquity and transgression and sin, and that will by no means clear the guilty; visiting the iniquity of the fathers upon the children, and upon the children's children, unto the third and to the fourth generation.”

This is where I'm going to go today.  This book by Mark Wolynn is focused on healing the epigenetic changes our bodies have been programmed with due to trauma in prior generations.   He uses scientific information from Bruce Lipton in The Genie In Our Genes and also Norman Doidge's The Brain that Changes Itself and Rachel Yehuda who has extensively studied the Holocaust and it's affects on future generations.  Through this information the conclusion is that we tend to inherit the most trauma from our mother's mother's mother.  The reason for this is simple.  The egg cells that make us eventually, were already formed in our grandmother when she was in the womb of our great grandmother.  Men make new sperm continuously, so it affects the generation here and now, but the egg cells are 3 generational.  Pretty interesting, hey?!

"The emotional history you share with your family began even before you were conceived. When your grandmother was five months pregnant with your mother, the egg that will eventually become you was already present in your mother’s womb. That means you, your mother and your grandmother all shared the same biological environment. Whatever your grandmother experienced—her traumas, her sadness, her grief—can become your emotional inheritance."

The focus of this book is to turn our judgement towards our family into compassion.  To see your family's history as valuable instead of hurtful.  (We all tend to focus on what we didn't get in our childhoods, as a protection mechanism to prevent more hurt, but...we all have hurt from childhood.  No parent was perfect.  No parent can see the future.  Every parent is new on the job and doesn't know what to do in many situations).  There is never a hint of blame necessary here, but only healing from the traumas and hurts.  We may never repair our relationship with those who raised us, but we can view it differently; from a place of compassion, forgiveness and healing.  Even if they are now dead.  Even if your parents and grandparents never change from who they are today.  The changes will be in you instead.

So what trauma do I know about on this side of my family?  Well, here's a glimpse.

This is my great grandmother below with my Grandma Ada Smith Kurtti as a young girl.  Her name was Briita Charlotta Pell (then married name Smith, then Ofverberg).  She was a twin, whose mother died at her birth.  Her mother (Grandma Maaherra) did not die in childbirth, but died in the week following due to an infection caused by an inexperienced midwife.  (The experienced midwife that had delivered all the prior children was attending another birth at the time).  The twins got fanned out to family and to be nursed by various aunts and relatives.    Her father did remarry and have 3 more children by a stepmother (Grandma Niemi).  When Briita was 11, this stepmother died of typhoid along with her 18 year old sister Amanda.  Since she hadn't been a very nice stepmother, no one was really too sad when she died.  Their father then remarried again, this time to a lovely woman in her 40s (Grandma Ojala).  She treated the children very kindly, and all the combined children loved her.  At some point hereabouts, there was a prairie fire, and the whole family was out fighting it.  The littlest girl (4) was trying to help as well, and her dress got caught on a fence, and she was burned badly and subsequently died a week later from the burns.  It was devastating for all to lose their much loved baby sister.

Briita then grew up, and I don't know many details in these years, but just that she wasn't walking with the Lord as she had been raised with.  She moved to "the city" (Portland, OR) and somehow met and married Mr. Smith, who was a carnie who worked at Oaks Amusement Park.  He had been a former boxer and was from England and that's about all we knew about him.  They married when she was about 27, and then when Briita was 3 months pregnant with my grandma, he left her never to return.  She then returned home to the farm (Pendleton, OR), and stayed at an expectant mothers home until the baby was born.  There was a lovely motherly lady there that cared for her during her pregnancy, and my Grandma Ada was named after her.  Interestingly, another cousin of Grandma's had a similar fate and was named Ada after the same wonderful lady.  When Briita went back home with her new baby, her father (who was very concerned with the spiritual life of his children) said, "how can anything good come of this baby?!"  Little did he know that Grandma would be raised mostly by her Christian grandparents (as her single mother had to work) and who would help turn the hearts of that middle generation back to the Lord.

 

Briita eventually filed for divorce due to desertion (after the required 7 years) and remarried Mr. Ofverberg.  They never had any children, so Grandma was raised as an only child.  Mr. Ofverberg died by suicide (1946) many years later (he had severe chronic pain due to a logging injury), and my Grandma said his death was harder on her and her mother than even the deaths of Steve and Sara her children.  Grandma and Great Grandma were very close, and talked through his death for a good 2 years trying to grieve and seek healing.  My Great Grandma loved her 10 grandchildren dearly, and felt that she finally could love on them in a way that healed her after so much loss.  She lived with my Mom's family until her death from breast cancer in 1955 (my Mom was 5).

18Numbers 14:18 The LORD is longsuffering, and of great mercy, forgiving iniquity and transgression, and by no means clearing the guilty, visiting the iniquity of the fathers upon the children unto the third and fourth generation.

Grandma K, Grandma S (before she married my Grandpa S), Grandpa K, and I don't know who the rest are.

When I was talking to my aunt about some of the details listed above, it brought me to tears how much loss my Grandma and Great Grandma endured.  The feelings of lack of attachment when the first mother died, the replacement mean stepmother, losing both her older and younger sisters, the desertion/rejection/betrayal of husband/father, and an brother/uncle that also died (when my Grandma turned 5, they were having a birthday party for her, and her favorite uncle didn't show up.  They later found out he was in the hospital with tetanus, and he subsequently died of it), the death by suicide, the loss of 2 children tragically (Steve in the Vietnam War at age 23, Sara was hit by a car at age 3).  My Grandma also was 8 months pregnant with her 2nd child when Pearl Harbor was bombed.  My Grandpa had just been put in the hospital with TB for the first time (in Seattle, 4 hours away, and she had no car so couldn't see him).  She had to go live with her parents, and got a job at the Hockinson Chevron station while her parents watched the toddler and baby.  She then would go home on her breaks to nurse her baby.  He was hospitalized more times as well, and also had a hard time finding work due to his health history. I see now more clearly how this has shaped the fears and the resilience of my Mom's family.  It's not all bad, but it does shape us.  My Grandma K had told my Dad when he wanted to marry my Mom, "are you sure you want to marry into this family?  It's fraught with tragedy!"  It just was what it was in many ways.

In the book, he tells how each child is affected by the traumas differently, even though it seems that some are more affected than others.  Traits like self-awareness, ability to self-soothe, and ability to heal affect us all.  Birth order and gender play a big part as well.  We can reshape our thoughts which in turn reshape our genes, which alters the structure and health of our cells, which in turn reshapes our brain.  "We can't change our DNA, but we can change the way it functions, which is basically the same thing". (~Rachel Yehuda).

When we start uncovering details of our family's history, we can start to make sense of our own present emotions, memories and sensations.  We can then begin seeing them as the past, which means we don't have to live in them in the present.  It is easier to blame others in our relationships (when they don't understand where we're coming from), but often what we think is normal in our own family, really isn't.  It's often unhealthy coping mechanisms due to the aforementioned traumas that our ancestors endured.  But, if we really dig deep in our own family, that's where we can find healing through Christ.  He can turn ashes into beauty, as He did in many ways in my Grandma's family.  She has a legacy of faith and faithfulness, as well as many souls being saved in the process of suffering.  But, that doesn't mean it didn't come without a cost in emotional pain, and lack of healthy communication.

Any time we struggle with relationships, we need to look back and see if we've healed our own relationships with our parents.  He explains how these unhealed places spill out onto all our other relationships.  Our fears, our losses, our perceptions.  In the book he tells how to do this and why.  

This one below is one I struggle with.  I'm seeking it's root but haven't found it yet.  We never know what our parents or grandparents were going through emotionally in those early years of our life.  We only see a small glimmer of a picture "as through a glass darkly" as the Bible says.

To go with the last one....

How much of our behavior is shaped by our ancestors?  Answer: A lot.

Often how we judge each other, is in areas where we feel shame ourself.  Everything is deeper than we think.

How do we change patterns of behavior if we think it's normal because it's all we've ever known?!

Every family has pain.  Every child will have some needs not met.  Every family needs healing.

How have you not healed from some kind of grief?  Your parents?  How are your needs now based in that? 

Marriage hits this home.  Again and again.  Here's an article on how our relationships with our spouse is shaped by the relationship with our parents.

One of the main things he has you recognize in this book, is the common words or phrases that your family uses.  What words stick out, what words describe things, what words are meaningful to you.  Because words do matter and will give you hints on where you need to heal.  He asked a lot of questions in the book that help you delve more into this.  Be ready for some deep digging!

I've always struggled with this too...

And many of us can relate to this with whatever health issues we're facing...

Many times misunderstandings are at the root.  Working through these (owning our own!) is hard but so beneficial.  

The only person we can change is ourself.  And as we heal, so will our relationships.  He has a list of 21 things that erode intimacy with our spouses based on our childhood experiences.  He explains each one in detail in the book, and how it affects our current relationships.

1. You had a difficult relationship with your mother.
2. You reject, judge or blame a parent.
3. You are merged with the feelings of a parent.
4. You experienced an interruption in the early bond with your mother.
5. You took care of a parent's feelings.
6. Your parents were unhappy together.
7. Your parents didn't stay together.
8. Your parent or grandparent jilted a former partner.
9. Your mother's great love broke her heart.
10. Your father's great love broke his heart.
11. Your parent or grandparent remained alone (after being left or death).
12. Your parent or grandparent suffered in marriage.
13. Your parent was disparaged or disrespected by the other parent.
14. Your parent died young.
15. One of your parents mistreated the other.
16. You hurt a former partner.
17. You've had too many partners.
18. You've had an abortion or gave a child up for adoption.
19. You were your mother's confidant.
20. You were your father's favorite.
21. Someone in the family didn't marry.

There's so much more in the book on how to heal from all this, but here's a snapshot of quotes to get you started.  I'm still processing it all myself prayerfully working through the key words and phrases that came up for my family.

The Happiness Project - book review

Well, it's fall and time to start reading books again and filling my head with new things to learn.  The weather has been awesome all fall, so I haven't had much time for reading, but a bit here and there (while kids are doing music lessons, after my energy is drained in the afternoon, etc).  My cousin recommended this book, and it's been an enjoyable surprise.  I think what I loved most about it was how honest she was with herself.  Her strengths and her weaknesses, her successes and her sins/failures.  I love that.  Although I've always thought I was pretty honest with myself, I realized I'm nothing compared to her.  That is on my list of things to improve, however that happens!

So, the book is called The Happiness Project by Gretchen Rubin, where the author takes a year to analyze her life to see if she's really appreciating all she has or just taking it for granted.  Each month is a different challenge.  If you read the reviews on this book, you can see that it runs the spectrum on the way people took it.  As with all books, I'd say read it as it is, take the meat and spit out the bones.  I found a few nuggets to make changes in my own life, without adding things to my already far-too-long to do list (which is what I feared would happen, and could easily).

Here's a few of the nuggets on the pages I marked~

• Happiness has 4 stages- anticipate it, savor it, express it (talk about it), recall it.  Any experience can be amplified or minimized, depending on how much attention you give each stage.
• Be yourself- if you don't know who that is anymore, think about what you did with your free time as a child.  Do those things again.  Don't judge your own fun by someone else's standards.
• Adult fun can come in several forms, there's rarely "fun for the whole family".  Accomodating fun (we do it because the people we love want to do it), relaxing fun (doesn't require new skills or actions), and challenging fun (learning new things, takes energy and foresight).  
• Whatever skills you admire in others, emulate them and over time you will turn that way too.  (I know this works, because it has happened to me several times.)
• Act the way you want to feel.  Fake it until you make it sort of thinking.  If you want to laugh more, you have to practice it often.  Chesterton apparently said, "it is hard to be light".  I tend to agree.  We also have to give up our pride, defensiveness, and self-centeredness when we do this.
• Know the difference between a resolution and a goal.  A goal has an end date/accomplishment, a resolution is a whole life change that never ends until a new one is made to replace it.

Here's my list that I compiled for myself from reading the book.  I won't tell you how I'm doing with it (now or ever)!

• say yes more (to fun, to play, to sleepovers, to kids)
• engage in marriage more
• seek out each kid individually more
• read about new topics
• declutter my house
• dance in the kitchen to fun music
• freely cry @ sappy movies, sermons, songs
• freely laugh @ same
• healthier communication skills
• be brave (but not stupid)
• don't judge too hastily
• assume people are doing their best (from Brene Brown)
• don't expect it to last forever (things end)
• when one loves, one doesn't calculate
• laugh @ myself more
• enthusiasm is (social) courage.  Show it.
• cut people slack
• know my boundaries to remain healthy
• be Rachel (whoever that is anymore!)

The Happiness Project website.

10 more random thoughts about shame and healing

Every time I write a blog post, I let it sit in draft for a few days or weeks so I can add thoughts or edit errors.  Even though I do this, each time I post it I find more ideas to add or more errors to correct.  It's never just right, there's always things to fix or correct...but that's ok...I'm not writing a book, just penning a few thoughts and ideas.  This time around though, I had enough extra thoughts to do a whole 'nother post on the same subject, of the random thoughts that came to me after the last one was done.   So here goes (in no particular order)...

 

1)  The one thing Greg told me when I had my breakthrough, was also so healing.  He told me that ever since he's met me over 20 years ago, I've had this inner guard, an inner tension or turmoil that he could see that I couldn't get free from.  He didn't even know what it was or where it came from, so he never mentioned it for fear it would make things worse.  He's prayed for me so often that I could be free of whatever that bondage was.  When things started to unravel a few years back, he prayed more earnestly that maybe finally this would be it.  He was right.  I did have lots of stuff to untangle.

He told me that he's so proud of me for pushing through the hard of it all and not just stuffing it away or ignoring it, and trying to carry on as if it wasn't bothering me (I did that for too many years already).  For me digging deep and seeking answers even though it meant coming up with things that were hard to take, or even to explain or understand.  But seeing their importance is what has brought clarity, in a way I wouldn't have expected.  The crisis brought the alerts, the alerts brought the questions, the questions needed answers, the answers brought the peace.

2)  Another thing I've learned over these past few years is to trust my own intuition.  Part of the discord in sorting out the information told to me was that the story I was being told didn't line up with my observations.  There was a huge mismatch, and I didn't know what to do with that.  What was truth?  What was exaggerated?  What was lies (whether intentional or not)?  Did I have absolutely no perception of things, and was I just supposed to believe people's words 100%?  It was a huge monster to sort through, and then I remembered that in communication, only a small portion of communication is actually our words.  According to one source I found, only 7% is words, then 38% is tone of voice, and lastly 55% is body language and facial expression.  The mismatch was true.  I had years of observations to draw from at this point.   I have plenty of healthy relationships to compare to.  And the answer wasn't pretty.  I'm guessing the mismatch was rooted in shame (here it is again!)  Defending against a lifetime of shame can easily end up in the lying/exaggerating/defensive territory, most often unintentional.  We don't want the reproach.  We're scared to admit we *might* have been in the wrong.  But the truth is that we're never as innocent as we'd like to portray to others.  Telling the truth means we have to admit to our sin, our failures, our shortcomings, our fears, and this is really hard.  Especially if we've been deflecting for a long time or lifetime.  We can betray ourselves with these habits, and then we betray those we love as well.

Jordan Peterson helped me bring that word to this thing I've been muddling through.  It's not a word that would have been on my radar in the least, but he explains it so thoroughly in this video.   https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=FYUjo7zvz4A

He says, "If you betray me, then I have to see you differently.  You know, if we've interacted for a long time, then I've built up quite a model of you, you know.  It's taken a tremendous amount of effort to generate, and I may have used that model for a predicate for all sorts of other plans, which is what you do with an intimate relationship.  So then, if you do something that indicates a true mismatch, it isn't only that I have to adjust my actions, God only knows what I'm going to have to retool.  I may even have to retool my perceptions of myself.  I'm a lot more gullible than I thought I was, for example.  If you're close to me and you could do this to me, is that my flaw?  Am I carrying that into other relationships?  It's an absolute catastrophe."

3)  I also had/have a whole list of unhealthy coping strategies as listed below.  Although I'd like to think they are virtues (sometimes they are), most often they are just my own neediness and insecurities and fears rearing their ugly head.  I want to avoid conflict, I want to avoid more pain, I want to be helpful.  I've always said that our greatest strengths are also our greatest weaknesses, and this rings true again.   Our gifts can turn around and bite us fairly often.  Oh, well.  Learning as I go!

4)  In the book, the Powerful Purpose of Introverts, author Holley Gerth uses this chart to describe how we introverts often differ in our types of perfection (which is also rooted in avoiding shame, by the way.  Surprise, surprise!!)  We tend to focus on relationships; not on the home, lawn, & perfect image.  Any person might look at me and say, "wow, she sure isn't a perfectionist", but the truth is that I've hung onto mediocre relationships far longer than I should have because I didn't want to be the one to let it go.  I really can't think of any relationship where I was the one to let go first, except perhaps dating ones where I could see that they weren't going to work into marriage and I had to.  And I still felt incredibly guilty doing even that.

5)  A random question you might ask, is how come I didn't believe all my guilt forgiven and be free from it?  Haven't I heard the gospel preaching of God's grace and forgiveness year in and year out, decade in and out?  Why was I not able to believe it?  Well, funny you ask.  The reason is that with shame, we/you didn't do anything wrong.  There's nothing to confess, nothing to make right, no sin present.  So, you feel the weight of the guilt of what seems like sin, but there's no sin.   You haven't done anything wrong, you just feel like you have.  So, you see no way to confess (nor do you have anyone to confess to, because you didn't do anything wrong).  We can't fix something that we don't know is broken.  And shame leaves us feeling broken, even though we aren't.  But it does cause nasty decay!  Learning to put words to these things has been so helpful.  Otherwise it was just an anonymous big weight.

6)  I'm learning to listen more healthy too.  I realize all these years I haven't been very compassionate nor empathetic, even though I thought I was.  There definitely is a balance in healthy vs unhealthy, and at this point I can't define what that means.  When we come from a place of healing, we don't have to feel threatened or helpless at other people's pain.  We can just sit and listen, and carry on.  We don't have to fix, help, or take the burden on ourselves somehow.  I know of many people who can do this, and I'm learning from them.  One day at a time, for sure.  And because every relationship is different, there isn't a set formula for what empathy looks like.  Or validation.  This chart below gives a bit of an idea to go off, but it's not a formula of what to say, is it?!  

7)  I've been also driving the kids out to strawberry picking each day (2 hours in the car by myself) and I've been listening to Debra Felita's podcast  which has been very helpful.  She has been interviewing all kinds of random people who have struggled with getting emotionally, spiritually, physically and mentally healthy; and hearing their journeys have given me a few answers on my own, and given me hope.  It's shown me where I'm doing fine, and where I still need improvement.  As long as we're alive, we can always make new pathways of healing.  We all have picked up unhealthy baggage somewhere along the way that's weighing us down.

8)  Link below to a video about what the emotional picture of Nat Mur people look like.  Very fascinating~

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-aDnagxTdZo

9)  I've now started going to the gym (with a personal trainer) again after 20+ years.  It's brutal, but worth it.  Being brave and trying new things is also a good way to heal.  What new thing (or old thing that you haven't done in quite a while) could you try?  Every time we're brave, we grow.  I used to be brave, but it's been far too many years of being bogged down and I didn't have the mental or physical energy.  I'd say all this crap I've be sorting through has probably taken up 80%+ of my mental energy, each and every day.  Now that I'm getting free of it, I can be thankful more.  I can enjoy life again.  I can think happy thoughts.  It still gets me down now and then, but at least I recognize it and can redirect my thoughts as is possible.  I'm also trying to laugh more (harder than it sounds) and listening to live music whenever the chance comes up.  Somehow live music makes me come alive.  Doesn't really matter if it's a classical concert or a country band at the fair, it gets into my soul and does some healing there.  Our friend Carl recently recorded the song "Storms Never Last" (an old Waylon Jennings and Jessi Coulter song) and that one has been the best.  I could listen to it over and over and over.  

Journaling is helpful too.  Listing things down is healing but it's also really scary.  Writing my fears down on paper is actually much harder than I thought it would be.  Even if no one reads them.  Somehow, in my mind, I think that if I write them down then for sure they'll happen.  But, writing them down also stops giving them power over me.  It's all good, but it's hard to keep on writing in my journal.  Most days I don't want to.  Writing here seems easier, because I don't go so deep and personal.  So, I do both.  Saying your fears out loud can be just as helpful.  Calling them out reduces their power over us.  Say it just to yourself and see what happens.  Call out your anger, your frustrations, your unsolvable problems that overwhelm you.  Saying all these things can be healing instead of bottling them up inside and letting them simmer until they are nice and overwhelming and they come out in unexpected ways and places.  The Psalms are full of "crying unto the Lord", and we can learn from this.  Quiet, whispered controlled prayers sometimes aren't enough.  Sometimes we need to follow King David's cries.

10)  The last aspect to add today to this mess is death.  Lots of deaths.  8 in the last 2 years of people close to us.  6 of those people were under the age of 50, which really shakes you to the core.  I'm not saying that we've had it the worst because we certainly aren't even close, but I just want to acknowledge that each death has had it's unique impact and it's grief in it's own way that doesn't go unnoticed.  For 3 of them, I woke up the morning they died with a "heaven" song in my head.  I knew they were going home that day, which was hard to fathom but still unavoidable.  That's our goal as Christians, and they've reached it!  Even Collene, who didn't completely understand faith and all it entails, but wanted to believe.  Another child died also last fall, but I didn't include him on the list due to never meeting him, but I grew up with his Dad.  My heart hurts for their loss too, as we have a boy the same age.

• Christine, friend  ("Where the Roses Never Fade")
  
• Rosa (and daughter Juniper), friend
• David, brother-in-law ("Abide With Me")
• Dan, family friend
• Collene, childhood friend
• Orval, our newly appointed pastor of 2 months ("Oh I Know a Land So Wondrous Fair")
• Greg's Grandma Davidson

Resources for further study~

Luther's Commentary on Galations

(if you want to be reminded who you are in Christ, how nothing you do or don't do changes that)

When Strivings Cease by Ruth Chou Simons

(understanding shame, honor based societies, grace)

The Powerful Purpose of Introverts: Why the World Needs You to Be You by Holley Gerth

(for those of us who have trouble finding joy, being ourself, feeling like we're enough as an introvert)

Tired of Trying to Measure Up

As I seek to get stronger and heal, I see how many of my mindsets are rooted in shame.  Not from God (I have a right relationship with Him, and I understand my place in the world in His eyes), but with people.  Our church was also focused on the preaching of grace and not shame as well; but many other sources still surfaced.  Public school is a biggie (performance based teaching styles and comparisons), and sinful kids is also another biggie.  Bullying, name calling, pointing out our weaknesses, insecurities, etc. all lead to shame.  I'm going to go through some of the criteria that make a "shame-grid" mindset that I mentioned in the last post.  It's how we view the world, and can be rooted in our own faulty perceptions (based on experiences in our life, often with immature summaries because we were children when we made them), our family, our church, our schools, our workplace or a combination of the whole lot.  This is from Tired of Trying to Measure Up (written in 1989, not a new book), which I recommended in the last post.

1. Out-loud shaming (this is through comparing, name calling, ignoring, belittling or somehow saying that you don't measure up).
2. Performance oriented.  Relationships, value and acceptance are based on performance, however, we can never perform good enough.  None of us ever can.
3. Unspoken rules.  "Can't talk/can't win". (There are no problems here, if you bring one up, then you are the problem).  You only know the rule is there when you break it.  But there are so many.  They never end.  When they aren't talked about, they have control over people.
4. Shame systems code when they talk.  To shift blame and avoid criticism, everything must be said in code.  (Passive aggressive?)  It says what you want to say without directly saying it and owning it.  Much energy is spent deflecting.
5. Shame based families are idolatrous.  Turning to anyone other than God to meet your needs is idolatrous.  If someone's value lies in what people think of them or expect of them, this is idolatry.  Lies and "being nice" trump truth.
6. Shame based systems have a hard time with kids.  They claim they like kids, but they expect them to act about a 10 years older than they are.  Everything must be just-so.  No messes allowed, to be seen and not heard.  Kids in shame based systems get shamed a lot.
7. Shame systems are preoccupied with fault and blame.  They indict people based on behavior.  They are always looking to see who is "responsible".  And if they find them, sorry is never good enough either.
8. Shame systems are strong on "head skills". They live in defensive mode, and are always on alert because shame is hurtful.  There's lots of interrogation with no waiting for answers.  Shamed people end up being good at debating, because they are always defending themselves against attacks.
9. Shame systems are weak on "heart skills".   The only feelings allowed in a shame system are those that can be justified or understood.  Emotions are thought, not felt.  Things such as sadness, hurt, loneliness, humiliation are viewed as weakness or defectiveness.  Compliments, compassion, and empathy are reserved only for those outside the system.
10. People in shame based systems only look as if their needs are met.  They always still feel not loved or accepted, only loved and accepted if they perform, or not capable or worthwhile.  Members are all still in need, yet they are indicted for failing a standard that is impossible to fulfill.

He also goes into various types of abuse, which can be hard to define even.  His definition is this:  Person A uses his/her power, position or authority to force Person B to perform in order to meet the needs of Person A.  The end.  This can be any relationship between people.  We've been given lots of societal stereotypes, but with this definition, we can see it can be any of us using our perceived neediness to try to control someone else.   He uses an example that their family is at a church picnic, and he's the pastor.  His kids get tired and start to get whiny.   Instead of taking them home, he shames or belittles them for not behaving as well as they should.  He has put his ego/image on a higher level than his kids' need for rest and quiet.    Often these behaviors are rooted in deeper issues (a parent's own shame, unmet needs, struggle for external praise and worth).  Whenever we let the behavior of someone else define our worth, this is shame.  Easier said than done though.

He has several chapters on breaking down the behaviors that come from shame.  He calls it the "give up/try hard" cycle.  We either try harder to run faster than the shame (doing good things for our lives and others- service to the church, raising perfect children, etc.), or we give up (addictions, bad habits, doing those things we despise in others).  Many of us circle back and forth between the two, spending a good amount of time in each.  Even if we know our works don't help our salvation, we still want to portray a good reputation and look like "a good Christian".  The way to break out of these cycles is grace where we can rest.  The root of our behaviors becomes resting in what Christ has done for us, not what we can do to measure up.  These can be internal or external behaviors!  Some of us focus more on externals (things that look good to others, perfectionism), but some of us (me!) focus on helping/fixing others (internal things that we think will make suffering less and relationships improved).  We want to avoid all the pending train wrecks we see coming.  It's still about measuring up though.

There's a whole chapter on spiritual abuse, which happens fairly often too but I won't go into here as it goes in quite a bit of depth.  Basically any doctrine being taught that focuses on performance rather than what Christ has already done is going to get shame as a result.  Churches are full of shaming messages in the attempt to get people to do better and try harder.  The understanding of grace is often missing, because we all want to "feel" like we're on the right track, and grace isn't measurable.

Maybe you also wonder how we get into this shame cycle of thoughts?  First, we accept the source of information as a reliable place to get information to find out about ourselves (most often as children).  In other words, the only people that can shame us are people who we trust have the power to determine something about our value as a person.  Second, we believe that what they say is true.  Third, we come to the conclusion that we are as bad as they say we are, and thus deserve to be punished.  We become the judge, jury and are condemned in the courtroom of our mind.  So, do we give up at that point, or try harder?!  We do one or the other, which often means we do exactly what we hate in ourselves and in others.  We become a self-fulfilling prophecy.  When we find ourselves reacting strongly to shaming messages by rejecting them and defending ourselves against them, we can know that the messages have truly reached us.  The wound is open and festering.  Our guilt feels like penance for the weight we are carrying due to our defectiveness, so letting go of it isn't easy.  But, what Jesus did on the cross is the only way to lift that burden, carrying it does nothing to solve the problem.  I wish I knew that decades ago.  Sigh.

So, how do we heal? We start talking. We bring the darkness into the light. We need the renewal of our minds by Jesus, and we need the fight of faith. We're tired, oh so tired. We believe that God didn't give the law so we could be good enough, He gave it so we could realize we can't do it. We need a Savior. Do you believe your behavior has any power to indict or vindicate you? You need to believe in grace as a gift, a true gift. And rest in that. Just because we feel defective, doesn't mean we are. We don't have to prove our worth to anyone. Anything from which you and I try to acquire life, value or meaning; outside of God Himself is idolatry. Even if we are doing lots of good, positive behaviors aimed at generating life and acceptability, these are still sin if our hearts are idolatrous. A common habit might be to replace negative behaviors with positive behaviors, but these are still walking by the flesh and are still sin.  You're trying to meet your own needs to get a sense of acceptance and fulfillment in something other than God. These habits either lead to shame or self-righteousness ("I can't do it", or "I can do it!") I've talked about this so many times before. Grace is that middle road of healing and our only hope.  This is the rest cycle on the top of the chart below.  Instead of swinging between trying hard and giving up, we can go above the dotted line into the rest cycle.  Sure there are times we'll dip down below again, but it should be a reminder to again rest in what Jesus has done for us.

I highlighted so much stuff in this book, that there's no way to write everything here, but you'll have to just read it yourself.  How does healing come in my life?  For me it's coming day by day as I evaluate every thought and action, to see if it's based in shame or based in God's truth.  It's a renewing of my mind, to separate my thoughts and build new patterns (neuroplasticity!), based in truth and not shame.  It's not easy, and I do understand it'll be a lifetime of changes.  We all deal with shame to some degree, if we're human.  But letting it rule us is the problem.  And let it damage who we know we are in Christ.  He's forgiven it all, He's got us in the palm of His hand!  It's all those real people we still have to deal with that are the hard part though, hey?!

Romans 12:2 And be not conformed to this world: but be ye transformed by the renewing of your mind, that ye may prove what is that good, and acceptable, and perfect, will of God.

You may feel some overwhelming emotions come out when you start to discover this.  You've been stifling them for so long (or overreacting to them is another common reaction), that it may come in torrents.  Or you may need to prod them along in order to heal (me!).  It will cause a great deal of pain as you start to acknowledge what's been hidden inside, festering year in and year out.  Your wounds need healing, and that's a good thing.  Just because we haven't been showing our emotions, doesn't mean we don't have them; we're just good at hiding them.  But, this is  toxic in the long run.  Toxic emotions being bottled up are just as toxic as ingesting chemicals into our bodies.  How's that suit you?! 

He only has a couple exercises to do in the book, and I think they are good ones.   They just help us see where our mindsets are, whether they are rooted in God's truth or shame.  One of them is called, "Who Gets To Be God" and this is to help us see that when something goes wrong, how do we look at things?  Do we think we caused it, and somehow we can fix it?  Are we investing too much time in things that are actually God's domain?  So basically you take a piece of cardstock, and write any troublesome situation on it.  Every time you think about someone or something that you think you should make turn out okay, you put it in a drawer you've labelled GOD on the front (with masking tape).  Every time you find yourself worrying or overthinking about the problem, go get that awkward 8 1/2x11 cardstock out of the drawer and carry it around with you until you're willing to hand it back over to God (put it back in the drawer).  This is basically a time thing.  How much time and energy is being spent trying to play God over situations out of your control.  This exercise isn't to pretend to give it over to Him either.  Or to "pray" continually, and pretend that isn't categorized as worrying/controlling too.  It's just to make us conscious of how much time and/or energy we spend with things out of our control, pretending we are somehow in control of them.  

"Because the Gospel has defined everything about who we are, we don't have to pretend we're sinless.  We don't have to keep up appearances.  There's only one reputation that means anything now, and it's not ours.  I can afford to look like a sinner, because I have a Savior who loves sinners."

~Elyse Fitzpatrick

After I wrote this, I realized I switched back and forth from writing in the first person (me/we) to the second person (you).  I'm not sure how to correct this without rewriting it all.  Hopefully it still makes sense.  I also am just sharing things as I learn them, so if you have more insight or resources into the topics at hand, I'd love for you to share them with me.  Or if you want to share your own experiences, I'd love to hear them and have a chat as well.