Here's a few things I'm learning about communication. Better late than never, I suppose. I've seen many lacks in my own habits, and am trying to correct them as they are brought to my own attention. Maybe they can help you learn something new too!
From Debra Felita's podcast called Secrets to Good Communication: The Art of Conversation, I learned about these walls of effective communication that we often have built in some way or another. These hamper our ability to communicate effectively and can break down relationships. Often they are learned young for our own protection from being hurt, but then we employ them long after they've served their purpose because we don't know any better.
- Isolation- we pull away to not be vulnerable, and don't feel comfortable expressing ourself
- Denial- fail to take responsibility in conflicts, quick to blame, defensive
- Withdrawl- run away from conflict, fight or flee
- Displacement- take our frustrations out on other people
- Invalidation- ignore acts or words of loved ones of value
- Fantasy- escape reality rather than deal with people
- Passive-aggression- avoid conflict then jab with low-blows, holding in anger until you explode
- Rage- flip out rather than sharing what is the root cause- hurt, frustration, stress
- Humor- can be used to avoid hard conversations and deflect pain
None of these above are based in truth. They usually have hints of truth, but are not the whole truth. We distort the truth to suit our perceived needs.
Next thing I've learned is the 4 horsemen of conflict that erode relationships from Dr. John Gottman. (He's the guy who can predict marital success or failure by watching 5 minutes of interactions of conflict, by the way). These can be used in any relationship, not just marriage.
- Criticism- Criticizing your partner is different than offering a critique or voicing a complaint. The latter two are about specific issues, whereas the former is an ad hominem attack. It is an attack on your partner at the core of their character. In effect, you are dismantling their whole being when you criticize.
- Contempt- When we communicate in this state, we are truly mean—we treat others with disrespect, mock them with sarcasm, ridicule, call them names, and mimic or use body language such as eye-rolling or scoffing. The target of contempt is made to feel despised and worthless. Contempt goes far beyond criticism. While criticism attacks your partner’s character, contempt assumes a position of moral superiority over them.
- Defensiveness- It is typically a response to criticism. We’ve all been defensive, and this horseman is nearly omnipresent when relationships are on the rocks. When we feel unjustly accused, we fish for excuses and play the innocent victim so that our partner will back off. Unfortunately, this strategy is almost never successful. Our excuses just tell our partner that we don’t take their concerns seriously and that we won’t take responsibility for our mistakes.
- Stonewalling- The fourth horseman is stonewalling, which is usually a response to contempt. Stonewalling occurs when the listener withdraws from the interaction, shuts down, and simply stops responding to their partner. Rather than confronting the issues with their partner, people who stonewall can make evasive maneuvers such as tuning out, turning away, acting busy, or engaging in obsessive or distracting behaviors.
It takes time for the negativity created by the first three horsemen to become overwhelming enough that stonewalling becomes an understandable “out,” but when it does, it frequently becomes a bad habit. And unfortunately, stonewalling isn’t easy to stop. It is a result of feeling physiologically flooded, and when we stonewall, we may not even be in a physiological state where we can discuss things rationally.
S for SOURCE--Make sure you are dealing with the person who is the source of the
problem and has the means to solve it. Deal directly with that person versus
complaining to someone else about the problem.
T for TIME and PLACE--Make sure that the discussion takes place at a favorable time
(both of you have had time to "cool down" and are in a calm place) and in a protected,
private place where you can talk in peace and you can be sure the other person is fully
available.
A for AMICABLE APPROACH--Use a "soft start-up," sharing first what you most value
and appreciate about the other before moving into the discussion about the problem.
Then, speak from your heart, filtering everything you say through your heart. Speak the
truth in the most kind, gentle, caring, and respectful way possible. Use "I" versus "You"
statements (which invite defensiveness). Express your complaint without criticizing or
assassinating the other's character.
B for OBJECTIVE BEHAVIOR--Explain what upset you, referring to the actual behavior
and what happened, without moral judgment. "When you did such and such" and that's
it. Example: "When you showed up late for work." Avoid such statements as-- "When
you were lazy this morning and slept in."
E for EMOTION--After the description of the facts must come the emotions you
experienced as a result of them. Example: "When you showed up late for work, I felt
disappointed and "let down" because I wanted to be at my meeting on time and I
couldn't leave the office until you arrived." Avoid saying, "I felt angry" which invites
defensiveness and is an emotion expressed towards another versus an expression of
an inner hurt.
N for NEED--It is very helpful to conclude by expressing the need you have. Example:
"I need security at work, to know that I won't be humiliated or wounded by caustic
remarks, especially from someone as important as you." Or, "I need to feel connected to
you, to feel that I matter to you, even when we are surrounded with friends."
Based directly from this source: Servan-Schreiber, Dr. David, "Enhancing Emotional Communication," In
Healing Without Freud or Prozac, p185-202.
From the same book, this is one way of how to listen with our hearts, focused especially if someone is suffering. He is a doctor, helping other doctors listen to their patients better, but these principles are helpful for us all. He did much work in war torn Kosovo where there were no simple answers, yet he offered hope using this unique way. The acronym is BATHE, from The 15 minute Hour by Stuart M.R. and Lieberman J.A.
- Background- To connect with someone, you must find out what happened to give them pain (physical or emotional). This often means listening for 2 minutes without interruption. The person will often go on much longer, as the essentials are not in the facts but in the feelings.
- Affect- The important question here is "How does this affect you?" or "How does it make you feel?"
- Trouble- This is the step we all want to avoid, but the most necessary one. The one to dive down deep to the bottom is then what gets us back up to the top. "And what troubles you the most?" It may seem discourteous or indecent when someone is suffering, but also is the magic that helps the person see for themself what to do when they are muddled by overwhelming emotions. We tend to actually have the answers ourselves, we often just can't see them clearly, if at all.
- Handling- After giving a voice to the emotions, then capitalize on the energy by asking, "And what helps you the most to handle this?" That turns their attention from the problem to the solutions. Even when we see people we love in their weakest moments, we must never underestimate their capacity to deal with the most difficult of circumstances. We all are stronger and more resilient than we think. Our role as bystander/family/friend is being present with them in their time of suffering, instead of offering a panoply of solutions and clumsily taking on their problems.
- Empathy- Part of the way we help our loved ones is by sending them off with the confidence that (a) someone cares about them, (b) they are not alone but have an ally in their struggle, and that (c) they are strong enough to carry on and handle what is ahead. Pain can be like a big weight around our neck, and by talking to someone about it (and by them responding that they heard the pain in your voice), the path of pain will be decreased.
As I learn more myself, I can see how I've lacked through the years (Don't worry, I knew I was bad at communicating, I just didn't know how or what to do about it). I'm finding all these tools work better on new people, not those who I have years or decades of bad habits. Setting new boundaries for healthier communication is harder than it sounds!
