What can I say? Just this. This book was a tough one to read. I had to dig deep, and I had to be honest with myself yet again. These answers to my many questions have not come at all in the ways I've expected, that's for sure. And they have come at just the right times too. One thing that Debra Fileta says over and over on her podcasts, is that God gives us healing when He knows we're ready for it. One layer at a time, not too many all at once. I have to believe this is true, hard as it's been to muck through. I often wonder if I have expected too much out of life, to have so many questions that I just didn't know what to do about. Or if the seeking was intentional for my own healing in the right time. I tend to lean towards the second. Also, as our children get older, I see similar traits in them that may have been chalked up to "genetics" or perhaps to good/bad parenting, but truly may also be rooted in our past generations trauma and epigenetics (how our genes are turned off or on due to environmental factors). This book was just what I needed to take the next step in healing. I don't necessarily like to use the word "trauma", for I feel it's never explained well, and it's far overused, but in this case I will. My family has had some trauma in it. So has yours. It's all different, it's all affected us, it's all being passed down to your children and mine. That's just the way it is.
Exodus 34:7
“Keeping mercy for thousands, forgiving iniquity and transgression and sin, and that will by no means clear the guilty; visiting the iniquity of the fathers upon the children, and upon the children's children, unto the third and to the fourth generation.”
This is where I'm going to go today. This book by Mark Wolynn is focused on healing the epigenetic changes our bodies have been programmed with due to trauma in prior generations. He uses scientific information from Bruce Lipton in The Genie In Our Genes and also Norman Doidge's The Brain that Changes Itself and Rachel Yehuda who has extensively studied the Holocaust and it's affects on future generations. Through this information the conclusion is that we tend to inherit the most trauma from our mother's mother's mother. The reason for this is simple. The egg cells that make us eventually, were already formed in our grandmother when she was in the womb of our great grandmother. Men make new sperm continuously, so it affects the generation here and now, but the egg cells are 3 generational. Pretty interesting, hey?!
"The emotional history you share with your family began even before you were conceived. When your grandmother was five months pregnant with your mother, the egg that will eventually become you was already present in your mother’s womb. That means you, your mother and your grandmother all shared the same biological environment. Whatever your grandmother experienced—her traumas, her sadness, her grief—can become your emotional inheritance."
The focus of this book is to turn our judgement towards our family into compassion. To see your family's history as valuable instead of hurtful. (We all tend to focus on what we didn't get in our childhoods, as a protection mechanism to prevent more hurt, but...we all have hurt from childhood. No parent was perfect. No parent can see the future. Every parent is new on the job and doesn't know what to do in many situations). There is never a hint of blame necessary here, but only healing from the traumas and hurts. We may never repair our relationship with those who raised us, but we can view it differently; from a place of compassion, forgiveness and healing. Even if they are now dead. Even if your parents and grandparents never change from who they are today. The changes will be in you instead.
So what trauma do I know about on this side of my family? Well, here's a glimpse.
This is my great grandmother below with my Grandma Ada Smith Kurtti as a young girl. Her name was Briita Charlotta Pell (then married name Smith, then Ofverberg). She was a twin, whose mother died at her birth. Her mother (Grandma Maaherra) did not die in childbirth, but died in the week following due to an infection caused by an inexperienced midwife. (The experienced midwife that had delivered all the prior children was attending another birth at the time). The twins got fanned out to family and to be nursed by various aunts and relatives. Her father did remarry and have 3 more children by a stepmother (Grandma Niemi). When Briita was 11, this stepmother died of typhoid along with her 18 year old sister Amanda. Since she hadn't been a very nice stepmother, no one was really too sad when she died. Their father then remarried again, this time to a lovely woman in her 40s (Grandma Ojala). She treated the children very kindly, and all the combined children loved her. At some point hereabouts, there was a prairie fire, and the whole family was out fighting it. The littlest girl (4) was trying to help as well, and her dress got caught on a fence, and she was burned badly and subsequently died a week later from the burns. It was devastating for all to lose their much loved baby sister.
Briita then grew up, and I don't know many details in these years, but just that she wasn't walking with the Lord as she had been raised with. She moved to "the city" (Portland, OR) and somehow met and married Mr. Smith, who was a carnie who worked at Oaks Amusement Park. He had been a former boxer and was from England and that's about all we knew about him. They married when she was about 27, and then when Briita was 3 months pregnant with my grandma, he left her never to return. She then returned home to the farm (Pendleton, OR), and stayed at an expectant mothers home until the baby was born. There was a lovely motherly lady there that cared for her during her pregnancy, and my Grandma Ada was named after her. Interestingly, another cousin of Grandma's had a similar fate and was named Ada after the same wonderful lady. When Briita went back home with her new baby, her father (who was very concerned with the spiritual life of his children) said, "how can anything good come of this baby?!" Little did he know that Grandma would be raised mostly by her Christian grandparents (as her single mother had to work) and who would help turn the hearts of that middle generation back to the Lord.
Briita eventually filed for divorce due to desertion (after the required 7 years) and remarried Mr. Ofverberg. They never had any children, so Grandma was raised as an only child. Mr. Ofverberg died by suicide (1946) many years later (he had severe chronic pain due to a logging injury), and my Grandma said his death was harder on her and her mother than even the deaths of Steve and Sara her children. Grandma and Great Grandma were very close, and talked through his death for a good 2 years trying to grieve and seek healing. My Great Grandma loved her 10 grandchildren dearly, and felt that she finally could love on them in a way that healed her after so much loss. She lived with my Mom's family until her death from breast cancer in 1955 (my Mom was 5).
 |
| Grandma K, Grandma S (before she married my Grandpa S), Grandpa K, and I don't know who the rest are. |
When I was talking to my aunt about some of the details listed above, it brought me to tears how much loss my Grandma and Great Grandma endured. The feelings of lack of attachment when the first mother died, the replacement mean stepmother, losing both her older and younger sisters, the desertion/rejection/betrayal of husband/father, and an brother/uncle that also died (when my Grandma turned 5, they were having a birthday party for her, and her favorite uncle didn't show up. They later found out he was in the hospital with tetanus, and he subsequently died of it), the death by suicide, the loss of 2 children tragically (Steve in the Vietnam War at age 23, Sara was hit by a car at age 3). My Grandma also was 8 months pregnant with her 2nd child when Pearl Harbor was bombed. My Grandpa had just been put in the hospital with TB for the first time (in Seattle, 4 hours away, and she had no car so couldn't see him). She had to go live with her parents, and got a job at the Hockinson Chevron station while her parents watched the toddler and baby. She then would go home on her breaks to nurse her baby. He was hospitalized more times as well, and also had a hard time finding work due to his health history. I see now more clearly how this has shaped the fears and the resilience of my Mom's family. It's not all bad, but it does shape us. My Grandma K had told my Dad when he wanted to marry my Mom, "are you sure you want to marry into this family? It's fraught with tragedy!" It just was what it was in many ways.
In the book, he tells how each child is affected by the traumas differently, even though it seems that some are more affected than others. Traits like self-awareness, ability to self-soothe, and ability to heal affect us all. Birth order and gender play a big part as well. We can reshape our thoughts which in turn reshape our genes, which alters the structure and health of our cells, which in turn reshapes our brain. "We can't change our DNA, but we can change the way it functions, which is basically the same thing". (~Rachel Yehuda).
When we start uncovering details of our family's history, we can start to make sense of our own present emotions, memories and sensations. We can then begin seeing them as the past, which means we don't have to live in them in the present. It is easier to blame others in our relationships (when they don't understand where we're coming from), but often what we think is normal in our own family, really isn't. It's often unhealthy coping mechanisms due to the aforementioned traumas that our ancestors endured. But, if we really dig deep in our own family, that's where we can find healing through Christ. He can turn ashes into beauty, as He did in many ways in my Grandma's family. She has a legacy of faith and faithfulness, as well as many souls being saved in the process of suffering. But, that doesn't mean it didn't come without a cost in emotional pain, and lack of healthy communication.
Any time we struggle with relationships, we need to look back and see if we've healed our own relationships with our parents. He explains how these unhealed places spill out onto all our other relationships. Our fears, our losses, our perceptions. In the book he tells how to do this and why.
This one below is one I struggle with. I'm seeking it's root but haven't found it yet. We never know what our parents or grandparents were going through emotionally in those early years of our life. We only see a small glimmer of a picture "as through a glass darkly" as the Bible says.
To go with the last one....
How much of our behavior is shaped by our ancestors? Answer: A lot.
Often how we judge each other, is in areas where we feel shame ourself. Everything is deeper than we think.
How do we change patterns of behavior if we think it's normal because it's all we've ever known?!
Every family has pain. Every child will have some needs not met. Every family needs healing.
How have you not healed from some kind of grief? Your parents? How are your needs now based in that?
Marriage hits this home. Again and again. Here's an article on how our relationships with our spouse is shaped by the relationship with our parents.
One of the main things he has you recognize in this book, is the common words or phrases that your family uses. What words stick out, what words describe things, what words are meaningful to you. Because words do matter and will give you hints on where you need to heal. He asked a lot of questions in the book that help you delve more into this. Be ready for some deep digging!
I've always struggled with this too...
And many of us can relate to this with whatever health issues we're facing...
Many times misunderstandings are at the root. Working through these (owning our own!) is hard but so beneficial.
The only person we can change is ourself. And as we heal, so will our relationships. He has a list of 21 things that erode intimacy with our spouses based on our childhood experiences. He explains each one in detail in the book, and how it affects our current relationships.
- You had a difficult relationship with your mother.
- You reject, judge or blame a parent.
- You are merged with the feelings of a parent.
- You experienced an interruption in the early bond with your mother.
- You took care of a parent's feelings.
- Your parents were unhappy together.
- Your parents didn't stay together.
- Your parent or grandparent jilted a former partner.
- Your mother's great love broke her heart.
- Your father's great love broke his heart.
- Your parent or grandparent remained alone (after being left or death).
- Your parent or grandparent suffered in marriage.
- Your parent was disparaged or disrespected by the other parent.
- Your parent died young.
- One of your parents mistreated the other.
- You hurt a former partner.
- You've had too many partners.
- You've had an abortion or gave a child up for adoption.
- You were your mother's confidant.
- You were your father's favorite.
- Someone in the family didn't marry.
There's so much more in the book on how to heal from all this, but here's a snapshot of quotes to get you started. I'm still processing it all myself prayerfully working through the key words and phrases that came up for my family.
