Tired of Trying to Measure Up

As I seek to get stronger and heal, I see how many of my mindsets are rooted in shame.  Not from God (I have a right relationship with Him, and I understand my place in the world in His eyes), but with people.  Our church was also focused on the preaching of grace and not shame as well; but many other sources still surfaced.  Public school is a biggie (performance based teaching styles and comparisons), and sinful kids is also another biggie.  Bullying, name calling, pointing out our weaknesses, insecurities, etc. all lead to shame.  I'm going to go through some of the criteria that make a "shame-grid" mindset that I mentioned in the last post.  It's how we view the world, and can be rooted in our own faulty perceptions (based on experiences in our life, often with immature summaries because we were children when we made them), our family, our church, our schools, our workplace or a combination of the whole lot.  This is from Tired of Trying to Measure Up (written in 1989, not a new book), which I recommended in the last post.

1. Out-loud shaming (this is through comparing, name calling, ignoring, belittling or somehow saying that you don't measure up).
2. Performance oriented.  Relationships, value and acceptance are based on performance, however, we can never perform good enough.  None of us ever can.
3. Unspoken rules.  "Can't talk/can't win". (There are no problems here, if you bring one up, then you are the problem).  You only know the rule is there when you break it.  But there are so many.  They never end.  When they aren't talked about, they have control over people.
4. Shame systems code when they talk.  To shift blame and avoid criticism, everything must be said in code.  (Passive aggressive?)  It says what you want to say without directly saying it and owning it.  Much energy is spent deflecting.
5. Shame based families are idolatrous.  Turning to anyone other than God to meet your needs is idolatrous.  If someone's value lies in what people think of them or expect of them, this is idolatry.  Lies and "being nice" trump truth.
6. Shame based systems have a hard time with kids.  They claim they like kids, but they expect them to act about a 10 years older than they are.  Everything must be just-so.  No messes allowed, to be seen and not heard.  Kids in shame based systems get shamed a lot.
7. Shame systems are preoccupied with fault and blame.  They indict people based on behavior.  They are always looking to see who is "responsible".  And if they find them, sorry is never good enough either.
8. Shame systems are strong on "head skills". They live in defensive mode, and are always on alert because shame is hurtful.  There's lots of interrogation with no waiting for answers.  Shamed people end up being good at debating, because they are always defending themselves against attacks.
9. Shame systems are weak on "heart skills".   The only feelings allowed in a shame system are those that can be justified or understood.  Emotions are thought, not felt.  Things such as sadness, hurt, loneliness, humiliation are viewed as weakness or defectiveness.  Compliments, compassion, and empathy are reserved only for those outside the system.
10. People in shame based systems only look as if their needs are met.  They always still feel not loved or accepted, only loved and accepted if they perform, or not capable or worthwhile.  Members are all still in need, yet they are indicted for failing a standard that is impossible to fulfill.

He also goes into various types of abuse, which can be hard to define even.  His definition is this:  Person A uses his/her power, position or authority to force Person B to perform in order to meet the needs of Person A.  The end.  This can be any relationship between people.  We've been given lots of societal stereotypes, but with this definition, we can see it can be any of us using our perceived neediness to try to control someone else.   He uses an example that their family is at a church picnic, and he's the pastor.  His kids get tired and start to get whiny.   Instead of taking them home, he shames or belittles them for not behaving as well as they should.  He has put his ego/image on a higher level than his kids' need for rest and quiet.    Often these behaviors are rooted in deeper issues (a parent's own shame, unmet needs, struggle for external praise and worth).  Whenever we let the behavior of someone else define our worth, this is shame.  Easier said than done though.

He has several chapters on breaking down the behaviors that come from shame.  He calls it the "give up/try hard" cycle.  We either try harder to run faster than the shame (doing good things for our lives and others- service to the church, raising perfect children, etc.), or we give up (addictions, bad habits, doing those things we despise in others).  Many of us circle back and forth between the two, spending a good amount of time in each.  Even if we know our works don't help our salvation, we still want to portray a good reputation and look like "a good Christian".  The way to break out of these cycles is grace where we can rest.  The root of our behaviors becomes resting in what Christ has done for us, not what we can do to measure up.  These can be internal or external behaviors!  Some of us focus more on externals (things that look good to others, perfectionism), but some of us (me!) focus on helping/fixing others (internal things that we think will make suffering less and relationships improved).  We want to avoid all the pending train wrecks we see coming.  It's still about measuring up though.

There's a whole chapter on spiritual abuse, which happens fairly often too but I won't go into here as it goes in quite a bit of depth.  Basically any doctrine being taught that focuses on performance rather than what Christ has already done is going to get shame as a result.  Churches are full of shaming messages in the attempt to get people to do better and try harder.  The understanding of grace is often missing, because we all want to "feel" like we're on the right track, and grace isn't measurable.

Maybe you also wonder how we get into this shame cycle of thoughts?  First, we accept the source of information as a reliable place to get information to find out about ourselves (most often as children).  In other words, the only people that can shame us are people who we trust have the power to determine something about our value as a person.  Second, we believe that what they say is true.  Third, we come to the conclusion that we are as bad as they say we are, and thus deserve to be punished.  We become the judge, jury and are condemned in the courtroom of our mind.  So, do we give up at that point, or try harder?!  We do one or the other, which often means we do exactly what we hate in ourselves and in others.  We become a self-fulfilling prophecy.  When we find ourselves reacting strongly to shaming messages by rejecting them and defending ourselves against them, we can know that the messages have truly reached us.  The wound is open and festering.  Our guilt feels like penance for the weight we are carrying due to our defectiveness, so letting go of it isn't easy.  But, what Jesus did on the cross is the only way to lift that burden, carrying it does nothing to solve the problem.  I wish I knew that decades ago.  Sigh.

So, how do we heal? We start talking. We bring the darkness into the light. We need the renewal of our minds by Jesus, and we need the fight of faith. We're tired, oh so tired. We believe that God didn't give the law so we could be good enough, He gave it so we could realize we can't do it. We need a Savior. Do you believe your behavior has any power to indict or vindicate you? You need to believe in grace as a gift, a true gift. And rest in that. Just because we feel defective, doesn't mean we are. We don't have to prove our worth to anyone. Anything from which you and I try to acquire life, value or meaning; outside of God Himself is idolatry. Even if we are doing lots of good, positive behaviors aimed at generating life and acceptability, these are still sin if our hearts are idolatrous. A common habit might be to replace negative behaviors with positive behaviors, but these are still walking by the flesh and are still sin.  You're trying to meet your own needs to get a sense of acceptance and fulfillment in something other than God. These habits either lead to shame or self-righteousness ("I can't do it", or "I can do it!") I've talked about this so many times before. Grace is that middle road of healing and our only hope.  This is the rest cycle on the top of the chart below.  Instead of swinging between trying hard and giving up, we can go above the dotted line into the rest cycle.  Sure there are times we'll dip down below again, but it should be a reminder to again rest in what Jesus has done for us.

I highlighted so much stuff in this book, that there's no way to write everything here, but you'll have to just read it yourself.  How does healing come in my life?  For me it's coming day by day as I evaluate every thought and action, to see if it's based in shame or based in God's truth.  It's a renewing of my mind, to separate my thoughts and build new patterns (neuroplasticity!), based in truth and not shame.  It's not easy, and I do understand it'll be a lifetime of changes.  We all deal with shame to some degree, if we're human.  But letting it rule us is the problem.  And let it damage who we know we are in Christ.  He's forgiven it all, He's got us in the palm of His hand!  It's all those real people we still have to deal with that are the hard part though, hey?!

Romans 12:2 And be not conformed to this world: but be ye transformed by the renewing of your mind, that ye may prove what is that good, and acceptable, and perfect, will of God.

You may feel some overwhelming emotions come out when you start to discover this.  You've been stifling them for so long (or overreacting to them is another common reaction), that it may come in torrents.  Or you may need to prod them along in order to heal (me!).  It will cause a great deal of pain as you start to acknowledge what's been hidden inside, festering year in and year out.  Your wounds need healing, and that's a good thing.  Just because we haven't been showing our emotions, doesn't mean we don't have them; we're just good at hiding them.  But, this is  toxic in the long run.  Toxic emotions being bottled up are just as toxic as ingesting chemicals into our bodies.  How's that suit you?! 

He only has a couple exercises to do in the book, and I think they are good ones.   They just help us see where our mindsets are, whether they are rooted in God's truth or shame.  One of them is called, "Who Gets To Be God" and this is to help us see that when something goes wrong, how do we look at things?  Do we think we caused it, and somehow we can fix it?  Are we investing too much time in things that are actually God's domain?  So basically you take a piece of cardstock, and write any troublesome situation on it.  Every time you think about someone or something that you think you should make turn out okay, you put it in a drawer you've labelled GOD on the front (with masking tape).  Every time you find yourself worrying or overthinking about the problem, go get that awkward 8 1/2x11 cardstock out of the drawer and carry it around with you until you're willing to hand it back over to God (put it back in the drawer).  This is basically a time thing.  How much time and energy is being spent trying to play God over situations out of your control.  This exercise isn't to pretend to give it over to Him either.  Or to "pray" continually, and pretend that isn't categorized as worrying/controlling too.  It's just to make us conscious of how much time and/or energy we spend with things out of our control, pretending we are somehow in control of them.  

"Because the Gospel has defined everything about who we are, we don't have to pretend we're sinless.  We don't have to keep up appearances.  There's only one reputation that means anything now, and it's not ours.  I can afford to look like a sinner, because I have a Savior who loves sinners."

~Elyse Fitzpatrick

After I wrote this, I realized I switched back and forth from writing in the first person (me/we) to the second person (you).  I'm not sure how to correct this without rewriting it all.  Hopefully it still makes sense.  I also am just sharing things as I learn them, so if you have more insight or resources into the topics at hand, I'd love for you to share them with me.  Or if you want to share your own experiences, I'd love to hear them and have a chat as well.