Every time I write a blog post, I let it sit in draft for a few days or weeks so I can add thoughts or edit errors. Even though I do this, each time I post it I find more ideas to add or more errors to correct. It's never just right, there's always things to fix or correct...but that's ok...I'm not writing a book, just penning a few thoughts and ideas. This time around though, I had enough extra thoughts to do a whole 'nother post on the same subject, of the random thoughts that came to me after the last one was done. So here goes (in no particular order)...
1) The one thing Greg told me when I had my breakthrough, was also so healing. He told me that ever since he's met me over 20 years ago, I've had this inner guard, an inner tension or turmoil that he could see that I couldn't get free from. He didn't even know what it was or where it came from, so he never mentioned it for fear it would make things worse. He's prayed for me so often that I could be free of whatever that bondage was. When things started to unravel a few years back, he prayed more earnestly that maybe finally this would be it. He was right. I did have lots of stuff to untangle.
He told me that he's so proud of me for pushing through the hard of it all and not just stuffing it away or ignoring it, and trying to carry on as if it wasn't bothering me (I did that for too many years already). For me digging deep and seeking answers even though it meant coming up with things that were hard to take, or even to explain or understand. But seeing their importance is what has brought clarity, in a way I wouldn't have expected. The crisis brought the alerts, the alerts brought the questions, the questions needed answers, the answers brought the peace.
2) Another thing I've learned over these past few years is to trust my own intuition. Part of the discord in sorting out the information told to me was that the story I was being told didn't line up with my observations. There was a huge mismatch, and I didn't know what to do with that. What was truth? What was exaggerated? What was lies (whether intentional or not)? Did I have absolutely no perception of things, and was I just supposed to believe people's words 100%? It was a huge monster to sort through, and then I remembered that in communication, only a small portion of communication is actually our words. According to one source I found, only 7% is words, then 38% is tone of voice, and lastly 55% is body language and facial expression. The mismatch was true. I had years of observations to draw from at this point. I have plenty of healthy relationships to compare to. And the answer wasn't pretty. I'm guessing the mismatch was rooted in shame (here it is again!) Defending against a lifetime of shame can easily end up in the lying/exaggerating/defensive territory, most often unintentional. We don't want the reproach. We're scared to admit we *might* have been in the wrong. But the truth is that we're never as innocent as we'd like to portray to others. Telling the truth means we have to admit to our sin, our failures, our shortcomings, our fears, and this is really hard. Especially if we've been deflecting for a long time or lifetime. We can betray ourselves with these habits, and then we betray those we love as well.
Jordan Peterson helped me bring that word to this thing I've been muddling through. It's not a word that would have been on my radar in the least, but he explains it so thoroughly in this video. https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=FYUjo7zvz4A
He says, "If you betray me, then I have to see you differently. You know, if we've interacted for a long time, then I've built up quite a model of you, you know. It's taken a tremendous amount of effort to generate, and I may have used that model for a predicate for all sorts of other plans, which is what you do with an intimate relationship. So then, if you do something that indicates a true mismatch, it isn't only that I have to adjust my actions, God only knows what I'm going to have to retool. I may even have to retool my perceptions of myself. I'm a lot more gullible than I thought I was, for example. If you're close to me and you could do this to me, is that my flaw? Am I carrying that into other relationships? It's an absolute catastrophe."
3) I also had/have a whole list of unhealthy coping strategies as listed below. Although I'd like to think they are virtues (sometimes they are), most often they are just my own neediness and insecurities and fears rearing their ugly head. I want to avoid conflict, I want to avoid more pain, I want to be helpful. I've always said that our greatest strengths are also our greatest weaknesses, and this rings true again. Our gifts can turn around and bite us fairly often. Oh, well. Learning as I go!
4) In the book, the Powerful Purpose of Introverts, author Holley Gerth uses this chart to describe how we introverts often differ in our types of perfection (which is also rooted in avoiding shame, by the way. Surprise, surprise!!) We tend to focus on relationships; not on the home, lawn, & perfect image. Any person might look at me and say, "wow, she sure isn't a perfectionist", but the truth is that I've hung onto mediocre relationships far longer than I should have because I didn't want to be the one to let it go. I really can't think of any relationship where I was the one to let go first, except perhaps dating ones where I could see that they weren't going to work into marriage and I had to. And I still felt incredibly guilty doing even that.
5) A random question you might ask, is how come I didn't believe all my guilt forgiven and be free from it? Haven't I heard the gospel preaching of God's grace and forgiveness year in and year out, decade in and out? Why was I not able to believe it? Well, funny you ask. The reason is that with shame, we/you didn't do anything wrong. There's nothing to confess, nothing to make right, no sin present. So, you feel the weight of the guilt of what seems like sin, but there's no sin. You haven't done anything wrong, you just feel like you have. So, you see no way to confess (nor do you have anyone to confess to, because you didn't do anything wrong). We can't fix something that we don't know is broken. And shame leaves us feeling broken, even though we aren't. But it does cause nasty decay! Learning to put words to these things has been so helpful. Otherwise it was just an anonymous big weight.
6) I'm learning to listen more healthy too. I realize all these years I haven't been very compassionate nor empathetic, even though I thought I was. There definitely is a balance in healthy vs unhealthy, and at this point I can't define what that means. When we come from a place of healing, we don't have to feel threatened or helpless at other people's pain. We can just sit and listen, and carry on. We don't have to fix, help, or take the burden on ourselves somehow. I know of many people who can do this, and I'm learning from them. One day at a time, for sure. And because every relationship is different, there isn't a set formula for what empathy looks like. Or validation. This chart below gives a bit of an idea to go off, but it's not a formula of what to say, is it?!
7) I've been also driving the kids out to strawberry picking each day (2 hours in the car by myself) and I've been listening to Debra Felita's podcast which has been very helpful. She has been interviewing all kinds of random people who have struggled with getting emotionally, spiritually, physically and mentally healthy; and hearing their journeys have given me a few answers on my own, and given me hope. It's shown me where I'm doing fine, and where I still need improvement. As long as we're alive, we can always make new pathways of healing. We all have picked up unhealthy baggage somewhere along the way that's weighing us down.
8) Link below to a video about what the emotional picture of Nat Mur people look like. Very fascinating~
9) I've now started going to the gym (with a personal trainer) again after 20+ years. It's brutal, but worth it. Being brave and trying new things is also a good way to heal. What new thing (or old thing that you haven't done in quite a while) could you try? Every time we're brave, we grow. I used to be brave, but it's been far too many years of being bogged down and I didn't have the mental or physical energy. I'd say all this crap I've be sorting through has probably taken up 80%+ of my mental energy, each and every day. Now that I'm getting free of it, I can be thankful more. I can enjoy life again. I can think happy thoughts. It still gets me down now and then, but at least I recognize it and can redirect my thoughts as is possible. I'm also trying to laugh more (harder than it sounds) and listening to live music whenever the chance comes up. Somehow live music makes me come alive. Doesn't really matter if it's a classical concert or a country band at the fair, it gets into my soul and does some healing there. Our friend Carl recently recorded the song "Storms Never Last" (an old Waylon Jennings and Jessi Coulter song) and that one has been the best. I could listen to it over and over and over.
Journaling is helpful too. Listing things down is healing but it's also really scary. Writing my fears down on paper is actually much harder than I thought it would be. Even if no one reads them. Somehow, in my mind, I think that if I write them down then for sure they'll happen. But, writing them down also stops giving them power over me. It's all good, but it's hard to keep on writing in my journal. Most days I don't want to. Writing here seems easier, because I don't go so deep and personal. So, I do both. Saying your fears out loud can be just as helpful. Calling them out reduces their power over us. Say it just to yourself and see what happens. Call out your anger, your frustrations, your unsolvable problems that overwhelm you. Saying all these things can be healing instead of bottling them up inside and letting them simmer until they are nice and overwhelming and they come out in unexpected ways and places. The Psalms are full of "crying unto the Lord", and we can learn from this. Quiet, whispered controlled prayers sometimes aren't enough. Sometimes we need to follow King David's cries.
10) The last aspect to add today to this mess is death. Lots of deaths. 8 in the last 2 years of people close to us. 6 of those people were under the age of 50, which really shakes you to the core. I'm not saying that we've had it the worst because we certainly aren't even close, but I just want to acknowledge that each death has had it's unique impact and it's grief in it's own way that doesn't go unnoticed. For 3 of them, I woke up the morning they died with a "heaven" song in my head. I knew they were going home that day, which was hard to fathom but still unavoidable. That's our goal as Christians, and they've reached it! Even Collene, who didn't completely understand faith and all it entails, but wanted to believe. Another child died also last fall, but I didn't include him on the list due to never meeting him, but I grew up with his Dad. My heart hurts for their loss too, as we have a boy the same age.
- Christine, friend ("Where the Roses Never Fade")
- Rosa (and daughter Juniper), friend
- David, brother-in-law ("Abide With Me")
- Dan, family friend
- Collene, childhood friend
- Orval, our newly appointed pastor of 2 months ("Oh I Know a Land So Wondrous Fair")
- Greg's Grandma Davidson
Resources for further study~
(if you want to be reminded who you are in Christ, how nothing you do or don't do changes that)
(understanding shame, honor based societies, grace)
The Powerful Purpose of Introverts: Why the World Needs You to Be You by Holley Gerth(for those of us who have trouble finding joy, being ourself, feeling like we're enough as an introvert)
