It seems like this topic has been on my heart alot lately, since I have friends getting married, friends newly dating, friends single and wishing they had someone, friends shacking up and justifying it, and friends getting divorced. Such a complex issue, in yet if we follow God's Biblical plan, we CAN guarantee love, happiness and security (which is what we all strive for, isn't it?)
The first thing that comes to mind is a story I heard the very next day after I wrote my last marriage post. My sister told me of some friends of theirs who got married in an arranged marriage (she was a "mail order" bride from the Philippines). They were married about 2 weeks when they decided it wouldn't work, so they went their separate ways. Now 15 years later (yes, 15!) they got back together, and are happily married and making it work. That gave me hope for those who may think that divorce means the end. It is never the end! We never know what God's plans are, and if the couple is willing to be mature, stay in contact and work through their differences; reconciliation is possible. Marriage is a contract between man, woman and our righteous God in heaven. The same God who made the heavens and the earth...in yet so many people these days regard it with less value than their mortgage contract.
The next thing is a list of things to look for in a potential spouse. These things should be in place before a relationship is pursued in any stretch beyond friendship. Because, once you are in a "relationship", getting out is very difficult if you are emotionally attached and then red flags appear (and there may not even be red flags, but a lack of green lights instead). (been there, done that...never again!) These tips are from the book To Train Up a Child by Michael and Debi Pearl. I am going to paraphrase and sum up the paragraphs, since the chapter itself is quite lengthy. These were from letters they wrote to their own children to advise them what to look for in a spouse when their children were teenagers.
1) The person you marry will be the lifelong parent of your children (for good and for bad). That person will be 100% of the influence when you are not with your children, and at least 50% when you are. This is more important than the decision of who you will live with for the rest of your life. You are an adult; the children will be mold-able and vulnerable to all the influences in the home. Any traits that bug you now will likely show up in your children, and be magnified many times. Can this person be trusted with God's heritage for generations to come?
2) That the person love the Lord and be His true disciple. This means that they show that they use the Bible as their life's road map in all decisions, and are willing to follow God's truth above all else. A person who takes their Lord for granted will also take their spouse and children for granted.
3) Cheerfulness. There is nothing else that will help you endure whatever may lie ahead. No one can make a discontented person happy, and there is nothing worse than living with a complainer. Find someone with that wellspring of joy that comes from within, and you will have found one of the most valuable and practical qualities.
4) Thankfulness. Nothing can make an unthankful person, thankful. It is an outward expression of what is in a person's heart. Again, look for joy that comes from the Lord.
5) Attitude towards parents. Respect or disrespect. How do their parents treat each other? This has been every young man and woman's most important influence, so how have they been influenced will often show how that person relates to others, deals with stress, communicates problems, etc.
6) Avoid anyone enamored by their own looks. Better to marry someone homely who is content to love and be loved than one who is going to spend all their time trying to maintain their fading, imagined beauty.
7) (for men) Avoid a girl who wants to pursue their career outside the home. A wife must be your help-meet and be there for your children to raise them.
8) Love for children. If children come into your life, you want someone who will love them and give them the best that life can give them (time and energies)
9) (for men) Don't put yourself in an occupational position that will leave you out of a position to be a good father. Plan your trade/occupation to maximize your role as a father. Many successful business men are lousy fathers. (and get a trade/occupation before you look for a wife, as it is much harder after)
10) (this one is mine, for ladies) Make him work for you. If he lives far away, make sure he comes and visits you FIRST, before you go and visit him. A man doesn't appreciate a girl who is too available. He'll love you much more if he has worked hard to pursue and 'catch' you. If he can't find time or money to come and see you, he obviously doesn't want you bad enough to make some sacrifices! Talk is cheap, but baby, time's expensive!! (My dear husband borrowed money to come see me the first time, and then later sold his 2 favorite guns to buy my engagement ring. Now that, was sacrifice, if you know how much he loves guns!!) This goes along the same lines as sex before marriage. It reverses the order of how things should flow (but of course isn't sinful), and thus ends up in disrespect and lack of trust. Men are programmed by God to pursue women, period. Our society would like to convince otherwise, but don't be convinced. Why would a woman even want a man that can't be a man? You could later expect alot more disappointment out of him.
Another piece of advice I heard on Dave Ramsey the other day. It is the 4 causes of marital stress, usually caused by people not discussing it before and coming up with solutions before the problem hit.
1) Religion- not agreeing on basic doctrine/beliefs
2) Money- not discussing how to handle money/lack of money
3) In-laws- not discussing boundaries/time spent/amount of influence
4) Children- not agreeing on how to raise children
These need to be grounded and agreed upon before people ever get married, because they are foundational.
You will note that in the above lists, there is nothing about love. That is because if you find a person that meets all the qualities you want in a spouse, you will love them. And God will make them very attractive to you. Seeing the love of the Lord in anyone makes them beautiful, but even moreso in a future spouse. When I first saw how Greg handled a major crisis in his life (by relying on God), it gave me a pretty good idea how committed he was to being trust-able, and how committed he was to following God's Holy Word, and this made me very attracted to him in many ways. There is nothing like a crisis to reveal people's true colors, so it wouldn't hurt to hope for one to see how your potential mate will react! ;)
The first thing that comes to mind is a story I heard the very next day after I wrote my last marriage post. My sister told me of some friends of theirs who got married in an arranged marriage (she was a "mail order" bride from the Philippines). They were married about 2 weeks when they decided it wouldn't work, so they went their separate ways. Now 15 years later (yes, 15!) they got back together, and are happily married and making it work. That gave me hope for those who may think that divorce means the end. It is never the end! We never know what God's plans are, and if the couple is willing to be mature, stay in contact and work through their differences; reconciliation is possible. Marriage is a contract between man, woman and our righteous God in heaven. The same God who made the heavens and the earth...in yet so many people these days regard it with less value than their mortgage contract.
The next thing is a list of things to look for in a potential spouse. These things should be in place before a relationship is pursued in any stretch beyond friendship. Because, once you are in a "relationship", getting out is very difficult if you are emotionally attached and then red flags appear (and there may not even be red flags, but a lack of green lights instead). (been there, done that...never again!) These tips are from the book To Train Up a Child by Michael and Debi Pearl. I am going to paraphrase and sum up the paragraphs, since the chapter itself is quite lengthy. These were from letters they wrote to their own children to advise them what to look for in a spouse when their children were teenagers.
1) The person you marry will be the lifelong parent of your children (for good and for bad). That person will be 100% of the influence when you are not with your children, and at least 50% when you are. This is more important than the decision of who you will live with for the rest of your life. You are an adult; the children will be mold-able and vulnerable to all the influences in the home. Any traits that bug you now will likely show up in your children, and be magnified many times. Can this person be trusted with God's heritage for generations to come?
2) That the person love the Lord and be His true disciple. This means that they show that they use the Bible as their life's road map in all decisions, and are willing to follow God's truth above all else. A person who takes their Lord for granted will also take their spouse and children for granted.
3) Cheerfulness. There is nothing else that will help you endure whatever may lie ahead. No one can make a discontented person happy, and there is nothing worse than living with a complainer. Find someone with that wellspring of joy that comes from within, and you will have found one of the most valuable and practical qualities.
4) Thankfulness. Nothing can make an unthankful person, thankful. It is an outward expression of what is in a person's heart. Again, look for joy that comes from the Lord.
5) Attitude towards parents. Respect or disrespect. How do their parents treat each other? This has been every young man and woman's most important influence, so how have they been influenced will often show how that person relates to others, deals with stress, communicates problems, etc.
6) Avoid anyone enamored by their own looks. Better to marry someone homely who is content to love and be loved than one who is going to spend all their time trying to maintain their fading, imagined beauty.
7) (for men) Avoid a girl who wants to pursue their career outside the home. A wife must be your help-meet and be there for your children to raise them.
8) Love for children. If children come into your life, you want someone who will love them and give them the best that life can give them (time and energies)
9) (for men) Don't put yourself in an occupational position that will leave you out of a position to be a good father. Plan your trade/occupation to maximize your role as a father. Many successful business men are lousy fathers. (and get a trade/occupation before you look for a wife, as it is much harder after)
10) (this one is mine, for ladies) Make him work for you. If he lives far away, make sure he comes and visits you FIRST, before you go and visit him. A man doesn't appreciate a girl who is too available. He'll love you much more if he has worked hard to pursue and 'catch' you. If he can't find time or money to come and see you, he obviously doesn't want you bad enough to make some sacrifices! Talk is cheap, but baby, time's expensive!! (My dear husband borrowed money to come see me the first time, and then later sold his 2 favorite guns to buy my engagement ring. Now that, was sacrifice, if you know how much he loves guns!!) This goes along the same lines as sex before marriage. It reverses the order of how things should flow (but of course isn't sinful), and thus ends up in disrespect and lack of trust. Men are programmed by God to pursue women, period. Our society would like to convince otherwise, but don't be convinced. Why would a woman even want a man that can't be a man? You could later expect alot more disappointment out of him.
Another piece of advice I heard on Dave Ramsey the other day. It is the 4 causes of marital stress, usually caused by people not discussing it before and coming up with solutions before the problem hit.
1) Religion- not agreeing on basic doctrine/beliefs
2) Money- not discussing how to handle money/lack of money
3) In-laws- not discussing boundaries/time spent/amount of influence
4) Children- not agreeing on how to raise children
These need to be grounded and agreed upon before people ever get married, because they are foundational.
You will note that in the above lists, there is nothing about love. That is because if you find a person that meets all the qualities you want in a spouse, you will love them. And God will make them very attractive to you. Seeing the love of the Lord in anyone makes them beautiful, but even moreso in a future spouse. When I first saw how Greg handled a major crisis in his life (by relying on God), it gave me a pretty good idea how committed he was to being trust-able, and how committed he was to following God's Holy Word, and this made me very attracted to him in many ways. There is nothing like a crisis to reveal people's true colors, so it wouldn't hurt to hope for one to see how your potential mate will react! ;)
