Book Reviews~ Missing Microbes, Love in Every Season

 Just a couple quick book reviews today.  Haven't read much lately, but I did plug through these books for good measure!  I've also read a few books on neuroplasticity that were so boring that I can't even muster up the strength to open them again (and shipped them right back to the library where they belong!)  I am enjoying reading the Anne of Green Gables series this winter for fun reading.  I haven't read them since I was a teenager, and maybe I didn't even read them then.  I can't remember.  I do own one that is pretty old but I don't remember where I got it or when.  I had the kids endure watching the 3- 2 parts marathon when we were sick, and then thought maybe I should read them and see how accurate the movies are.  They've been enjoyable for these long winter nights in my bath and while waiting at wrestling practice.

Missing Microbes by Martin J. Blaser M.D. (How the overuse of antibiotics is fueling our modern plagues) was a really good read.  He's a doctor that specializes in the role of bacteria in our health or lack of it.  Some interesting statistics he states in the book are:

-the average child has received 3 courses of antibiotics by the time they are 2

-the average child has received 17 courses by the time they are 20

-in their 20s and 30s they will receive another 13 courses

-children given antibiotics in childhood had much higher rates of type 1 diabetes and celiac disease

(would we give them as freely if we knew this would be the result?)

How much is too much?  How much is actually necessary?  How much is damaging?

The answer is all of them are too much, as all of them cause damage.  Very few are actually necessary.  They kill not only the germs, but all the innocent bystanders (good microbes) as well.  This leads to the increase of resistant bacteria, an overgrowth of the bad guys.  So we end up worse than where we began.  It also leads to mutations and antibiotic resistance where the same antibiotic won't kill what it's needed to kill after a while.  This is why there's such a big concern with MRSA, staph infection, strep issues and the like.  

Antibiotics in our food is another concern.  Farmers give antibiotics in the animals food for several reasons.  One is for keeping more of them in too close of quarters (feedlots or massive barns) the other is so they gain more weight.  Watch American Meat documentary for more details. If animals gain more weight with antibiotics, do people as well?  The answer is yes.  Children given antibiotics in the first 6 months of their life had the most obesity in childhood and later in life too.  If they were born by c-section that number was also high as their mothers were given it.  He gives the data for it all, I'm just summarizing.  Antibiotics can make a difference in your height as well.  Having certain pathogens in your gut (h. pylori for example) makes you shorter, so killing that off can make you taller during childhood.  The direct correlation isn't completely understood, because nutrition and stress and other factors also play a role.  The soldiers in the Revolutionary war were on average 6" taller than those in the Civil war.  What made the difference?  Microbes had a huge role to play in this.  

Microbes are also directly correlated to higher rates of type 1 (juvenile onset) diabetes as well as celiac disease. Type 1 diabetes is doubling rates over each of the last 20 years.  In this doctor's data, the risk factors were babies born by c-section, boys who are tall and babies who gained more weight rapidly in the first year of life.  All signs of perturbation of microbes in their bodies.  With celiac disease, for those who were recently diagnosed, 40% of them had been prescribed antibiotics in the previous months prior to celiac diagnosis.  Is gluten sensitivity a result of antibiotic use?  Good chance, due to the upset of the gut microbes that help digest it and break it down in the body.  There also could be a h.pylori connection here too.

So, what do we do?  We can't just stop using them, but we need to be more strict on when and why.  We also need to research alternatives that aren't so damaging.  We have a friend who is a dentist who used to always prescribe preventative antibiotics before any procedures.  She said she no longer does that, as the damage to the gut health is far greater than the risk of infection.  She only uses them if infection is actually present now.  Which can also be avoided by natural antibiotics and antivirals.

Start implementing things like garlic, oil of oregano, colloidal silver, black seed oil, and I am starting to use homeopathics which also act like antibiotics in the body as they strengthen the areas that are weak so that our bodies can heal themselves.  There are many herbs and vitamins that strengthen immunity too.  We can also look at how we are eating, if that is increasing our chance of getting infections overall or if we are eating in a way that supports body health to resist infection.  Sugar is the biggest thing that feeds bad pathogens of any sort, so limiting that is the most basic thing we can do.  

One of our children was given 1 round of antibiotics when he was 3 for a minor infection, and about 6 weeks later his mood slowly went from cheerful to sullen.  I had given probiotics after for quite some time to help counter the effects, but that cheerful happy boy has never returned.  The antibiotics didn't even get rid of the infection, plain old garlic did.  I truly had no idea how much damage was done by them, or how long it would affect him.  We still aren't back on track.  Oh, well.  What would our children be like if we never had to give them any antibiotics?  Is it a reasonable goal?  Hmm.

The next book is called Love in Every Season by Debra Fileta.  I was recommended this author (different book) and since the library didn't have the one recommended, I read this one.  She talks about how relationships go through all the "seasons" and how to navigate them well.  She is a Christian counselor and I feel like all the advice she gives is really good.  I found a lot of gems for teaching our own teens how to navigate relationships when the time comes.

1) Human beings are magnetic, we tend to attract the people who are similar to us physically, emotionally and spiritually.  And we naturally repel the rest.  This also means if we are unhealthy in these areas we also seem to attract people who are unhealthy in the same categories.  Taking responsibility for getting ourselves healthier in any of these areas will attract people who also are healthier in these areas.

2) Dating is the trouble shooting period when we are getting to know someone.  It is not the no-turning-back road to marriage.  Be willing at any point to let go and move on if red flags arise.  It's the time to be honest with our own selves and give the other person an honest assessment of our strengths and weaknesses, and let them do the same.  Loving but brutal self assessment and portrayal is essential.  Be willing to ask God to prune you so that you can be a healthier person day by day.

3) Don't put God "in the center of the relationship" too soon.  This may sound like bad advice, coming from a Christian counselor, but she said she's seen over and over how people share devotions and prayer far too early in the relationship.  These are both deep, intimate things to do; and you don't want to go there yet in case you decide it isn't a good fit.  People end up bonding spiritually long before they bond emotionally, without any commitment in place yet.  They go too deep, too fast.  She encourages them to talk over spiritual things, but do it objectively to learn where each other stands, and keep your prayer life single until the commitment stage.  If we are honest in prayer, we are also vulnerable.  Don't share these things too early.  This can also lead to monotony later on.  Everything needs to be in balance with each other, not too much of one thing but not enough of the others.

4)  Show your true colors.    If a relationship progresses to marriage, true colors will eventually show up.  Sometimes they'll surprise you, sometimes they'll scare you.  There's the good colors, bad colors, ugly colors.  What may be cute now may be annoying later.  Be honest with each other most of all.

5) To go with true colors, we're going to come up with differences.  Compatability is "the ability to come together despite these differences".  The ability to work together and see life through each other's perspective.  Differences can be the catalyst to growth, maturity or well-roundedness.  But they can also be the source of conflict.

6) How we handle different issues are learned behavior.  It isn't black or white, right or wrong.  It's a accumulation of what each of us has learned in our lives.  Finding someone with similar views on money and similar socioeconomic status is a good idea, or similar cultural, family or religious upbringing, or similar age (less than 5 years is ideal), or educational similarities (as in the value put on education, as the investment of our time).  Lifestyle habits and morals and values come into play as well.

7) In order to find a good match, we most of all need to be a good match.  Know our own strengths and weaknesses, and dig deep into our own morals, values and beliefs.  Address our baggage.  Ask yourself "who fits into my story"?  Who helps me to be a better person than I could be on my own?    Compatability isn't something that we find, it's something that we choose.

8) Conflict.  69% of conflict is considered "unsolvable".  This is because it is our personality, perspective or deep-seated beliefs.  These are things that don't magically go away or are not easily changed.  It doesn't matter if you marry Julie or Andrea, Brian or Chris.  The list will be different, but just as long.  Maybe one person is great with a budget but never on time, or vise versa.  Things like that.  She says, "marriages are successful to the degree that the problems you choose are ones you can cope with."  So choose problems that you are willing to be okay with (and not try to fix!)

9) Use conflict as a way to build deeper intimacy.  It's the key to building connection, but we can also use it as the key to disconnect.  We get to choose.  Prepare for it in advance, and play fair.

10) Be honest.  She uses Adam and Eve to explain how they thought by lying to God they would solve their problems with disobedience, but it only led to more problems.  She calls it "bare branches".  Be vulnerable.  Don't be so desperate to be wanted or loved that you have to lie to get it.  This includes sins or damage by omission (don't ask, don't tell).  It's lying all the same.  60% of people lie regularly to appear "likeable".  Do we also lie to ourselves?  To God?  

11)  Trust is not something you give, it must be earned.  On both sides.  Has trust been broken?  How can it be healed?

12) 10 things to ask, not to assume: your past, your family, views on sex, your secrets, your expectations about life, your views on money, your faith, on children, boundaries, sins and struggles.  These questions should be reasked over the years in any season of "fall" when the bare branches are coming exposed again, and then worked through.  It's an invitation to know and to be known.  To understand each other more deeply.  

13) Are you in a winter season?  Cold and apathetic?  Find the root cause, discuss it, and come up with an action plan.  How can we touch each other more each day?  Connect verbally?  Why can't we make it a priority?  Address the realities, or at least own them.  Sometimes there are outside factors that are overwhelming (extended caregiving or illness, etc).  But acknowledging them is the start.

January update

It seems like I need to sort my thoughts for the new year a bit here, so this is what I'll do today.  I've been thinking much about goals and directions, or vision if you will; and I kind of get discouraged.  I read a recent blog about it, (I rarely read these anymore these days, but I wondered what a "vision board" was for the new year).  It was so discouraging.  Every time I try to do such things, it blows up in my face somehow or another.  So, it's better just to keep plodding in day in and day out.  I don't even know what our needs or our plans or our visons are for the next year.  I don't know what my husband needs, or my kids need.  Or where the world will be.  Or anything even remotely in that direction.

Romans 7:19 For the good that I would I do not: but the evil which I would not, that I do.

What I have noticed over the years, is that we often don't know how things will come to fruition, so how can we even plan or strive to get there?  You notice how I use the word strive.  Yep.  (strive: [verb] to devote serious effort or energy)   I don't have "serious effort or energy".  I wish I did, but then maybe I wouldn't understand God's grace as much as He wants me to.  I barely make it most days.  I can't think about a week ahead, let alone a year.  Does that mean God will not lead me where He wants me to go  just because I don't have a written down list of goals and purpose?  No, of course not.  When I told Greg about the blog, he said, "yeah, a whole bunch of works-based-Baptist-like people, I'm sure".  Which is true.  Many seem to think that somehow good works/intentions will equal righteousness somehow, someday, or that it's their good habits and processes that save their souls and that of their children.  Especially when they throw Jeremiah 29:11 in for their Bible verse that explains it all. Many Bible versions say "a future and a hope" vs. the KJV that says, "expected end".  We just studied this verse in Bible Study in all it's facets, and if you read the chapters before and afterwards, you will see that God knows what He was doing then (saving their souls from their own ignorance and sinfulness) and He's still doing that today, if we want to apply that verse.  The hard things we go through are to learn more of His grace, not to stand on our own feet more and more each day and or to fulfill our to-do list of requests. I talked about this in my Above Rubies post a few years back.  I guess I kind of have an axe to grind with this topic.

James 1:5 If any of you lack wisdom, let him ask of God, that giveth to all men liberally, and upbraideth not; and it shall be given him.

That being said, I want to share how some of our family's prayers have been answered lately, without me ever knowing how they would turn out, or what to specifically pray for.  No intentional-ness here.

1)  Greg's new job.  He had been burned out, frustrated, and unmotivated for many years now.  So, I guess hitting a midlife crisis.  No new Corvettes yet though!  But we had been praying for new direction for him, and he had applied for several machining jobs that he didn't get (in one the guy decided not to retire after all, another G didn't have any millwright experience, etc).  Even though he still enjoyed machining, he felt there were very few options nearby that would expand his skillset any further than where he already was.  He was so patient waiting for God to show the way, and He did.  It turned out we were at our church campout staying next to a couple we kind-of know, when the men were "talking shop" and the job option came up "within the next couple years".  Then it turned into "next couple months" which turned into "next couple weeks".  We give credit to Greg's sister Amy who said that she'd pray for "a door to open for Greg to step into that he couldn't do anything but go through it".  And that's how it turned out to be.  Neither of us had been praying that boldly, so it was a good lesson to do so.  Just as he started the job, the company moved right to Kalama, so that was just an added bonus.  Greg can also see how all his previous jobs, especially the one he had when we first moved to WA have served him so well into what he is doing now.  His boss at Paul Sherman was the toughest he's ever had, but he also grew and learned exponentially like never before or after during that time period (and burned out his adrenals too!)  He also now can stay up later due to not getting up so early any more, but also misses his Fridays off that he's had for the past 10 year.  The weekends seem all to rushed and short!

2) A job for Luke.  We've been praying for options for him for many years now.  A hard to face homeschool reality is that teenage boys shouldn't be home with their moms all day.  Or even other kids' moms (coaches, music teachers, etc). They need to be around men, learning skills from men, and how to be men.  This is a drawback to homeschooling, but can happen in other school settings too, if the teachers are mostly/all female.  Since our kids were unable to work with Dad at his old job, they had to wait until they were 18, or 16 at best to go get a job somewhere (long after it was needed!).  Now with Greg's new job, Luke was able to get himself a part-time job there and is learning all kinds of skills from other real men who are leading by example of what it takes to be a man.  He's also hoping he can get more into learning computer designing with Arrow, but for now is working out in the yard most of the time.   This is a huge answer to prayer, especially with the state of everything being online (stuck at home, on a screen) these days.  We all spend too much time on screens for whatever reason or another.

3) Getting through the current illness affair.  We didn't all get sick, we got well, we stayed home for the whole month of December when you add in the snow days that followed.  It was kind of a relief to quit fearing it and just tackle it head on.  I do realize we could get sick again, and am not off the hook yet, since we are mortals in a fallen world.  I did end up getting quite dehydrated on day 12 which was quite a setback.  I thought I was recovering nicely until I woke up feeling extremely dizzy and lightheaded.  I borrowed a blood pressure cuff from our neighbor, and my pulse and BP were all up 30 points, and even more when I would get up standing vertical.  This was concerning, but I was too dizzy to even think about what to do.  I rested all that day, and hoped I'd feel better the next day, which I didn't.  The first day I was down, Greg had gone back to work, so wasn't here.  The next day was Christmas Eve, so I thought we should probably get it checked out, as I was concerned about blood clots and cardiac changes that often come up later after the virus has passed.  I went to urgent care where my EKG was normal, but the Dr. wanted cardiac labs to ensure I didn't have any other abnormalities going on, since my pulse and BP wouldn't come down.  So, I spent Christmas Eve in the ER getting that done.  It was a blessing in disguise because the ER was quite empty and I was able to get in and out of there in 3 hours rather than the normal 6 hour minimum.  It turned out all labs were normal and that I was just severely dehydrated.  It sounds kind of silly that that is all that it was, but truthfully I have no idea how I was supposed to even suspect it.  I didn't feel like it at all.  I was drinking plenty of soups, broths, teas and electrolyte drinks.  I have found out since then that your body needs 3x the fluids when you are sick, and that water often goes right through if the minerals are out of balance.  It did take a full week before I felt "normal" again (fluid balance when I got up or down took a while to regulate).

I have to admit that during the dizziness time, I was really scared.  The day before the dizziness day, I cried all day.  Everything made me cry, even for no reason I cried.  I couldn't stop and didn't know why (totally abnormal for me).  I hadn't yet paid the bills for the month and kept obsessing about it, although I was too dizzy to go and do it.  I was scared that I'd die and leave Greg with all the things undone that I normally do.  Then I'd talk myself out of it and think about how he and the kids would be fine if I did die because they are now old enough to handle things better than years ago.  And then I'd swing back again to being scared of dying like our friend Christine did, at the mercy of the hospital without anyone at my side during the end.  Part of this came because the day before we got sick, we had been at Bible Study where we were singing Christmas carols around a beautifully decorated tree at a family from church's house.  It was so beautiful that I thought to myself, "this is too good to be true and won't happen again".  I don't know where the thought came from, but it made me wonder if someone would be missing the next time our congregation gathered, and if that someone would be me.  It all sounds ridiculous now that I'm well, but that's where my mind went when I wasn't well.  Trying to run the household from laying on the couch with very literal thinking teenage boys who are capable but can't see what needs to be done was part of it too!  (I took Aconite homeopathic remedy  after all was said and done, and all those irrational fears just disappeared.  I didn't think of it at the time.  Aconite works well on fear/anxiety; past, present or future that are overwhelming a person).

4)  The thankfulness was our humble Christmas.  Because of our illness, we didn't even have Christmas presents bought for the 4 youngest kids yet.  We didn't have our normal Christmas food.  We didn't have any company or go anywhere.  We didn't have any programs or traditions, no caroling either.  We had a poorly decorated but huge tree given by a different neighbor (maybe 10 random decorations, a clump of beads that some child put up without untangling, and some lights).  We were thankful to God that I got out of the hospital and could come home that night (about 6pm).  We were thankful for food dropped off in previous days by friends and family.  We were thankful we were all home together.  Thankful for a neighbor man who saw an Amazon package on our driveway (while we were at the hospital) and he was concerned it might get stolen so he called Greg and asked where he could safely hide it until we got home (it was a Christmas gift from grandparents).  Thankful for a warm wood stove fire.  Thankful for our kids who didn't mind that they had meager scrounged gifts, and were so forgiving and loving anyhow.  I love their unselfish hearts, and it helped my guilt somewhat to see them genuinely not concerned about material things, but instead be thankful just that Mom came home.  I hope I learned more about recalibrating our priorities, but I probably won't.  Somehow we as parents want to make Christmas perfect for our kids, but in doing so, we lose the true spirit of it all.  I'm not sure how in actuality to keep the proper balance.

5) Family and friends.  I hate to be on the receiving end of help, but after this sickness experience, I'm so thankful that we have such loving extended family and friends.  My idea would have it that I'm always giving, helping, arranging, and not be receiving, but that's just my own pride rearing it's ugly head.  It was very humbling to have people bringing meals, offering meds and vitamins, nebulizers, BP cuffs and pulse ox monitors in case we needed them.  I know plenty of people were praying for us.  Sometimes I do wonder what would happen in a real crisis when we don't have immediate family nearby, but this experience told me that we do have good friends and we do have a loving church family that would watch out for us.  I know it's awkward when we're sick to acknowledge it out loud, but it's also good to let others know what's going on so they can pray.  The balance between drumming up drama (I know enough folks who do this often!) and actually asking for help because you truly need it.  I never want to bother others, but it was a huge blessing to know so many were watching out for us, and standing on guard to help however they could.

6) Music lessons and sports, along with our teachers and the coaches.  I'm so thankful for these.  Without them, I think I would go mad.  They engage in my kids, believe in them, give them confidence, and hold them to a higher standard than I am able to.  They also give me a much needed break now and then!

This quote below has been on my mind so much lately too.  So many hurts, so much confusion, so many sinful habits, so many, many problems in this world.  It overwhelms me pretty much every day.  But, I am learning how to not ruminate on other people's problems better, and to keep my mind in better places.  Forgiveness was part of that healing (Eph 4:32), taking my thoughts captive was another (2 Cor 10:5), but also removing myself from the destructive talk and behaviors has been necessary too.  I feel guilty for it, but I would be consumed if I stuck around.

Mental illness has also been in my forefront lately too.  It's so hard to know what direction to go, how to set boundaries, how to get actual help and healing, how to sit back and just pray, how to support those immediately involved, etc.  And how to forgive the decades of hurt is hard too, how to hold the unwell person accountable without being their skapegoat, and how to not get sucked into the vortex of the illness.  How to truthfully acknowledge the problems while still "putting the best construction on all they do" as our catechism instructs.  How to actually get a diagnosis is the hardest of all.  The mental health system in our country sucks.  Totally sucks.  People who are sick don't know they are sick, and because of privacy laws the family has no say in the getting of help, or even getting the sick person to someone who can help.  And then they just medicate and medicate, and don't ever get to the root of the problem.  The system also likes to place lots of blame on bad parenting and encourages victimhood, instead of moving forward with healing from where we are today.  It's good to acknowledge the past, but it's not good to stay there.  We can't go back, we can only heal and move forward from here.  It's just hard, just plain hard.

Friendship webinar summary

In the first week, she clarified principles of Godly friendship.  How Jesus is the glue that should hold them together, but that He is also the solvent that separates friends if they are not willing to accept the authority God gives in His Word.  Christian friendship should be open, glad obedience to Christ and all of His Word.  She encouraged us to not to hurry into defining friendship, as these things take time.  Is the friendship serving Christ, or serving each other?  Are we expecting too much, or do we have fairytale ideals of what our friends should be or do for us (and forget that we are all sinful people in a sinful world)?  Do we recognize that our friends are not our "emotional slaves" to meet our perceived needs?  Does this friendship honor God?  Am putting more on my friends than they should bear, and is it pulling them away from them minding their own station of serving their own husbands and children?  Are we becoming (or already are) busybodies, sharing information not meant to be shared about our husbands, children, family and friends?  Is our time spent with our friends staring into each others faces and telling our tales of woe, or are we spent industriously looking forward together, serving the Lord?  Good questions, of which I definitely don't have the answers for.  Each situation is very different, and wisdom is needed discerning our own selfish hearts as well as receiving each other as friends and what that truly means.

1 Tim 5:13 And withal they learn to be idle, wandering about from house to house; and not only idle, but tattlers also and busybodies, speaking things which they ought not.

If your friend said to you, "Since we are both Christians, let's see what the Bible says about X, Y, Z (problem of yours)."  How would that fly with your venting session or coffee dates?  Do you really want to know what the Bible says, or do you just want "support" for your side of the issues you are facing?  I'm totally guilty of too much listening to problems and not sharing enough true Biblical guidance.  I'm guilty of too much whining too.  I have honestly feared the friendship heading south if I opposed the other party (which has happened, just as predicted), I've feared people thinking I'm self-righteous and "holier-than-thou".  I've also feared that I'm not being "supportive" and I regretfully admit that I absolutely dread conflict (although I do like a healthy debate!)  Even when I've disagreed with someone on the inside, I usually have given a generic "smile & nod" response because I don't want to rock the boat with ideas that I know wouldn't be taken well at all.  I've also been known to be so shocked at what other people think is ok, that I have no idea what to say to their random ideas.  Late in bed that night I often come up with a healthy response, but by then it's too late.  

She also advises against what she calls "fishhook friends". People who give you complements ("you're the only friend who understands me" "you are so unique in such and such way", etc), gifts and do niceties for you, and in return expect you to be their friend.  They nab your with their tricks (could be unconsciously or consciously), and then hook you and reel you in.  We are not obligated to be friends with anyone, no matter how much they may want or expect it.  We should be kind, friendly and courteous to all people, but we should choose our true friends carefully and judiciously.

The second week was spent talking about telos (goals, end point) of godly friendship.  This would be heaven.  Godly friendship should help us on our journey to get to heaven.  So, this means that to be or have a friendship, our friends should be on their way too.  This also means that both sides believe the authority of the Bible and are willing to proclaim them to each other.  The whole Bible, not just the parts that suit us too.  The refining, convicting, challenging, repenting, growing in grace parts too.  Biblical friendship is not resting easy in a life of ease and getting what we think we deserve, but it is a hard journey and we need sturdy traveling companions.  She likens it to Pilgrims Progress (and I'll add in Hinds Feet In High Places too).  We have hard stuff to face, but we also have the Word to guide us each and every day.  We need friends who will give us gospel truths, not just tickle our ears with what we want to hear.  We also always have Christ the Comforter with us at all times, so we truly are never alone.  We should not be looking for our friends to meet the needs that only Christ is meant to fill- growing in grace and wisdom, to help us understand God, to guide you through your marriage and parenting challenges, to be "with" you at all times, etc.

She also reminded us that we should always be serving Christ, not our friend.  We should always honor God not man.  Christian friends should~

-hold us accountable for our sin

-help us in personal growth

-help us in applying our faith

-growing in Christ-like-ness

-encouraging & edifying each other

-not indulging in bad attitudes, complaining, envy or jealousy

-carrying our own burdens to Christ, not dumping on our friends

She clarifies that most of these things should be done by our example, we don't need to try to be the Holy Spirit for our friends as if they don't have it themselves.  We all have enough sins and foibles to work on ourselves, let alone think we can somehow know more than our friends about what's best for them.   She gives a word picture of Jesus telling our friend that He washes away her sins, but then there we are standing behind Him saying, "you forgot about that one" and "but she does this and this too".  As if Jesus doesn't know what He's doing, and needs our help to point out a few more sins and failings in our dear sister.  I find this a very fine line, because honestly very few people want to hear about their shortcomings from their friends (myself included), no matter how damaging they are to those watching or how good the friendship is.  Shouldn't we all be willing to improve our relationships?  Is our pride that precious to us?  How do we actually go about "speaking the truth in love" in real life and have it taken to heart instead of offensively/defensively?  

Psalm 139:23-24 Search me, O God, and know my heart: try me, and know my thoughts:  And see if there be any wicked way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting..

Week 3 was spent focusing on the pitfalls that are common to friendship.  She reiterated that a companion on the way to heaven is not equal to an emotional caretaker.  Big difference.  She encouraged us to opt into hard conversations, when needed, and not avoid them due to people pleasing or fear.  But also ask, why am I confronting this person?  Is it to prove I'm right?  Prove them wrong?  Or am I lovingly concerned that they are in sin, walking away from the Lord, or indulging in their own desires too much?

Psalm 119:63-65 I am a companion of all them that fear thee, and of them that keep thy precepts. The earth, O Lord, is full of thy mercy: teach me thy statutes. Thou hast dealt well with thy servant, O Lord, according unto thy word.

The two pitfalls she spent the most time on was 

1) Idolatry- is the relationship serving God or each other? Are we trying to please or placate (to soothe or mollify especially by concessions, appease) others?  Is the focus on worshiping self (my wants, needs, desires, wishes, ideas, philosophies)? This is so common in our world today, but should not be in the life of a Christian.  Are we clear and loving, but unbudgible in our willingness to follow the Bible in our lives?  Do we placate them because of fear of emotional outbursts of our friends?  These are all forms of idolatry, which is the breaking of the 1st commandment.   Serious stuff.  

2) Not agreeing with God about the order of the world- (Romans 1)  Do we believe that marriage is between 1 man + 1 woman?  There is not a place for an extra "emotional" partner.  God made marriage this way so that our husbands will push against our sinful weaknesses, rather than indulge them like a woman with similar weaknesses may do.  She encouraged us to never get involved in other people's marriage issues, but always "take it up the chain" (of command, so that the proper people may seek to help the situation).  Don't feel honored if someone comes to you with their marriage issues, get out now!  Let your friends know that you are not a safe place for unloading marriage gripes and complaining.  That you are never a refuge for sin (either party), and that you'll do something about it right away (talk to a pastor or counselor, call the police, whatever chain of command seems fitting).  Especially never listen to one party when the other party isn't present.  We all tend to mix up our real needs from our perceived needs, and this is where it gets messy.  No one knows the truth.  Everyone involved is going to have a different perception and a different story.  Opt out of other people's drama.

Iron sharpens iron, and thus we can truly be friends if we encourage and edify one another, not indulging in their sinful tendencies, while mortifying our own sins each day too.

The last week was spent on the building blocks of good friendship, the things not so often talked about in our world today.  The biggest way to find a good friend is to be one.  We can only control ourselves, so asking God to show us our own failings, sins and foibles will do more for building Christian friendships than anything else.  We need to courageously root out our own sins before we can reach out in love to each other.

Luke 7:47 Wherefore I say unto thee, Her sins, which are many, are forgiven; for she loved much: but to whom little is forgiven, the same loveth little.

C.S. Lewis says in The Four Loves, "We picture lovers face to face but friends side by side; their eyes look ahead, that is why those pathetic people who simply ‘want friends’ can never make any. The very condition of having friends is that we should want something else besides friends.” Friendship must be about something— some common interest, “even if it were only an enthusiasm for dominoes or white mice. Those who have nothing can share nothing; those who are going nowhere can have no fellow-travelers". (source)

Our friendships should be without any strings attached, without expectations (as these will always get dashed), and constantly open handed.  Give without expecting anything in return, even loyalty.  Notice if your heart gets clingy to someone and repent of it.  No one is expected to give you anything.  Burn any mental notebooks about what others should or shouldn't do for me, and don't be hasty in your judgments of others.  Friendship with specific expectations is like a loan shark who hasn't been paid back yet.  We should also not be usurers, only giving with some sort of return profit in mind.  It's "hellish behavior" (her words, not mine!)  If you struggle with these things, ask God to make you more generous, and be honest with your own heart of your intentions.  We give because Christ gave freely to us.  Not for any other reasons.  Be friendly about things, not just friendship itself.  Have new ideas, be always willing to learn.  Jordan Peterson's Rule 9: "Assume That The Person You Are Listening To Might Know Something You Don’t" applies here.

“Hold everything in your hands lightly, otherwise it hurts when God pries your fingers open.”-. Corrie ten Boom.

At the end of each session she did a Q&A session, and I didn't write any of them down but the last one.  In it, was asked if it's ever appropriate to share parenting or marriage advice.  She did say that yes it was at times, but to get your husband's permission first and have him present if possible.  Same with teens or older kids.  If you want to break their trust by sharing their sins or something that might shame or embarrass them, get their permission first.  Little kids don't seem to care so much, but use discretion.  Would I have wanted this said about me when I was a child?

All in all, lots of good, convicting and encouraging information.  There's some repenting I'm needing to do as well.  I'm still mulling it over, as I can see that it's not cut and dry situations.  Every friendship is different, and we each have different trust levels with each other, so what might be appropriate for one might not be for another.  She said time and again to "focus on Christ" and "seek Christ" but I don't know how that looks in a boots-on-the-ground sort of way.  If Christ meets all our needs, then why do we even need or want friends?  He is the Comforter and is always with us, but somehow we need the Body of Christ in real people here on earth too.  I'm having a hard time separating the different and same aspects of each.  

A few new book reviews~

Breath by James Nestor was excellent as far as the importance of how we breathe, and the many aspects of how most of us are breathing poorly.  I started learning about proper breathing from different sources over the last few years.  When James was in wrestling, his coach taught him all about keeping breathing controlled when in tricky situations, and how to calm their brains down when being pinned down.  How to reset their minds through calm breathing to be ready to make a comeback at a moment when defeat is quite probable.  How not to be a victim of his circumstances due to hyperventilating/anxiety.  Important stuff for all of us, in various other situations.  I also learned about mouth breathing vs nose breathing in regards to jaw formation in kids, and why so many kids these days need braces when proper breathing would solve the same problem, but takes much more time and has to be implemented younger, before the jaws grow.   I also learned more about it during speech therapy, as much speech (good or bad) is related to how we breathe.  Tongue/lip tie release, myofascial release, and proper tongue placement is key to good speech.  And when your tongue is positioned right, you'll breathe right.  Is your tongue resting on the roof of your mouth at all times, if you're not talking or eating?  It should be!

This book was more about one man's quest to find out how to breathe properly, and the journey it took him on.  He was his own guinea pig for all sorts of trials and theories on breathing, and he put them all to the test.  He ended finding out that the way we breathe is far more important than we think, and that we can do something simple to improve our health.  Breathe through our nose, intentionally for starters and then it'll become natural over time.  We can build new jaw bone and change the shapes of our faces even as adults after all these years of bad habits.  

There's also a new batch of dentists who focus on this, called orthrotropics, which means changing the shape of the growing jaw rather using braces/retainers to correct it after the fact (orthodontics).  There are many factors involved in the process for causes and effects (breast vs bottle feeding, sucking thumb/pacifier use, eating too many soft foods, etc).  The long and short though, is that we all should be breathing through our noses and not our mouths, day and night.  It just takes retraining yourself to do so if you don't.  Many people who don't, either have a tongue/lip tie or allergies causing the nose to become plugged, but this is solvable too with new habits.   

Another reason for the need for nose breathing is for nitric oxide.  To quote Dr. Steven Lin who wrote The Dental Diet, "Nitric oxide is produced in the nasal sinuses by specific enzymes. It’s instrumental in delivering oxygen around the body efficiently because it regulates blood flow. When it mixes with air delivered to the lung, it increases arterial oxygen tension and reduces blood pressure.  Nitric oxide also has a vital role deep within your body’s cells. There, it influences platelet function, immunity and the nervous system. It’s also important in homeostasis and the regulation of mitochondrial function. It’s produced elsewhere in the body but the biggest contributor is the minute amounts inhaled through the nose into the lungs." (source)

Here are some videos that he mentions in the book on how to learn to breath better. It just takes a little practice to get into thinking that way (and maybe a few note cards taped up to remind yourself).  Some people even tape their mouths shut to remind themselves to keep their mouths shut while they sleep.  Suit yourself!

The next book is called The Genie in Your Genes and it was way over my head as well.  Although I am interested in epigenetics, I'm not interested in all the chemistry involved in making conclusions.  I wouldn't be a good researcher as I just want the end findings and the whys.  I'm too impatient to put in the time to figure it all out.  Since most of it was over my head, I'm just going to review a quote from elsewhere below.  I'm also not sure how this all plays in as a Christian.  He talks much about beliefs of different religions in the book, but I'm not going to say that the power of all of them is equal.  Praying to different gods/God is not going to elicit the same responses, although belief in a "higher being" is known to be more helpful than believing in none.  Only Jesus can free us from guilt and wash away our sins.  No other God proclaims "it is finished"; all other gods demand works, good deeds, and endless lists of more and more to do to please or appease them.  So I don't think you can categorize them all in the same class.

"Your genes respond to your thoughts, emotions and beliefs. The way you use your mind shapes your brain, turning genes on and off in ways that can dramatically affect your health and wellbeing. In this best-selling, award-winning book, researcher Dawson Church reveals the exciting applications of the new science of Epigenetics (epi=above, i.e. control above the level of the gene) to healing. Citing hundreds of scientific studies, and telling the stories of dozens of people who have used his ideas for their own healing, he shows how you can apply these discoveries in your own life. He explains how electromagnetic energy flows in your body and affects your cells, and how the new fields of energy medicine and energy psychology can help cases that are beyond the reach of conventional medicine. He shows how your hormonal, neurological, connective tissue, and neurotransmitter systems all work in harmony to conduct a coordinated flow of information throughout your body. As you take conscious control of the process, you produce a positive effect on your health, becoming an "epigenetic engineer" of your own wellbeing. Practical and scientific, this book has transformed the lives of tens of thousands of people. This new edition is updated with the latest research and clinical breakthroughs."  (source)

Nutrient Power is the last book today.  This book is an excellent resource for any sorts of mental illness, including autism, ADHD and Alzheimer's, which he has complete chapters on.  He worked in prisons for years and ran millions of samples on over 30,000 patients.  This guy has done his homework, and although it's mostly over my head with all the chemistry and terms that I don't know yet, but was a good read.  The long and short of it can be listed below from another review here (on their website). 

"THE REPEAT OFFENDERS: For several years I was perplexed by the repeated presence of certain biochemical imbalances in completely different mental disorders.  For example, copper overload is present in most cases of hyperactivity, learning disability, post-partum depression, autism, and paranoid schizophrenia. In another example, undermethylation is often present in antisocial personality disorder, clinical depression, anorexia, obsessive-compulsive disorder, and schizoaffective disorder.  The primary repeat offenders are copper overload, B-6 deficiency, zinc deficiency, methyl/folate imbalances, pyrrole disorder, and amino acid imbalances.  Eventually I realized these factors had something in common --a direct role in the synthesis or functioning of a major neurotransmitter.

"With respect to mental health, the nutrient SAMe is a natural reuptake inhibitor for serotonin, dopamine, and norepinephrine.  Folic acid is a natural reuptake enhancer that can combat excessive dopamine activity.  The individual levels of methyl and folate in the brain are not as important as the methyl/folate ratio . . ."

He talks of how depression can be from undermethylation or overmethylation as well as copper overload and pyrrole disorder (low B6 and zinc), as can schizophrenia, so the treatment isn't always going to be the same.

Videos of William Walsh (author of the book) on the subject.

Chart of how the symptoms overlap and are specific to each root cause.

Here's a great chart to compare undermethylated to overmethylated symptoms.

Here's the Walsh Institute website where you can find a doctor to test for all these nutrient levels and see what the root problem actually is.  Randomly prescribing medications is like shooting in the dark, without knowing where the target is.  I just talked to my friend who is a Psych RN at the local VA hospital and she said that psych nursing is the most vague thing she's ever experienced.  The meds get changed so often that you never know what is coming or going.  That's why so many patients never get better.  She said it's endlessly frustrating to have repeat patients in the revolving door of severe illness to moderate wellness because no one looks into root causes.  Never remission or complete wellness. So sad.  

Side note:  Dr Kelly Brogan and Dr. Carol Banyas are two holistic psychiatrists who also use nutrition to heal mental illness, if you want more resources.  They both were convicted about the uses of medications and knew there had to be a better way to get better.  Dr. Banyas is a spokesperson for True Hope vitamins and has several videos about her experience using them.

Homeopathy Primer

You remember how everyone got into the essential oil craze a few years back?  How it was a cure all, a panacea for whatever ailed you?  That's how I feel about homeopathy.  It's been a much longer, much more skeptical journey for me, but now I'm on it.  Locked in tight!

Back when we lived in AZ, one of our friends at church was going to Naturopathic school and she told me about it first of all.  She talked how it was the best thing for curing children's ailments, as it was so gentle and harmless.  I had no kids at the time, so didn't pursue it further.  Just listened and stored it away somewhere.  I also had no idea what it was, and wasn't into finding out either.  I was still wholly steeped in mainstream medicine.  Then we moved up here, and later James was born.  He was covered in eczema and we tried so many things trying to make him feel better.  While on a trip to AZ, we took him to see this same friend (who was now a Dr.) and she prescribed 1 little bottle of homeopathic pellets for him.  Pellets the size of chia seeds.   "Give him 3 pellets, once a week" was the dose, if I recall.  Huh?  That's all?  So we tried it.  For maybe 2 months.  No change.  We did phone consults and she kept telling us to wait longer.  But, since I didn't know much about it, and the phone consults were getting expensive with no visual results, we stopped them when the bottle ran out.  And figured it was just another thing that didn't work.  Even though she explained to us that healing came from the inside out ("like peeling back layers on an onion"), I didn't believe in it at all.  So we kept on trying other things instead.  That was the end of that road.

Many years later we went to another couple of Naturopaths who also prescribed them for various ailments, both acute or chronic.  We then experienced almost miraculous results, yet they were gentle with no side effects or expensive supplements to endlessly buy.  Cheap too?  OK, I'm in.  This was around the time of the essential oil craze, and our Naturopathic Dr sold his remedies for $4-6/each.  I surely couldn't buy a name brand essential oil at that cost, so I couldn't justify not trying them for that cost either.  So we did.  We didn't have all successes, but the one biggie convinced me that I at least needed to learn more about how they work and what they can do.  So I asked lots of questions at my appointments, and I got all the books that the library had, and I started reading.

Homeopathy uses "vital force" to heal.  This is the energy within us that keeps us alive. Without it we would be dead.  All healing in homeopathy uses kinetic energy (energy from motion, of which the remedies are shaken/succussed) to strengthen our vital force.  It's kind of obscure to describe, but somehow works.

Now I've been on the homeopathic learning path for about 5 years, and I have yet to have met anyone else who knows anything or cares a hoot about them, other than my doctors.  So that's kind of lame as I get so excited when I learn new things and I can't really tell anyone because no one "gets it".  But that's ok.  I still get excited.  I do have a few online groups that are as excited as I am, and I have learned a ton from them, and it's also place to ask my many questions.

So, what intrigues me so much?  Well, first of all you can heal stuff with them.  All kinds of stuff!  Weird, unusual, "I'll never tell anyone about this" kind of stuff.  Acute, chronic, constitutional, miasmic, animal care, you name it!

Acute would mean affecting or afflicting you right now, and started less than 3 months ago.  Bladder infections, sore throats, smashed fingers (treated one of these this week), burns, coughs, etc. But also emotional things like acute grief, anger, nervous about a job interview, etc.

Chronic means something you've had longer than 3-6 months.  This can be lifetime symptoms (maybe like insomnia or noise sensitivity when people chew their food, or long term hip pain or breathing troubles), or just things you've been stuck with for a long time that you haven't found a solution to yet.  Or didn't think there was one.

Constitutional means more personality quirks and foibles (a minor flaw or shortcoming in character or behavior).  Things like OCD or an inability to express your emotions well, or being an overachiever and burning yourself out, or addictions of any sort.  Things you think you are stuck with because you think were born that way, and maybe you were.  But homeopathy can heal even those.  It can balance whatever is imbalanced so those things don't have the power over you that they've had.  Self-esteem too low? Yep.  Self-esteem too inflated?  Yep.  Either way it can be balanced.  Which leads to...

Miasms.  These are generational characteristics that come down through family lines.  They are not DNA, so they are not genetic; but seem to be passed down more through the microbiome (gut health or illness) from parents to children and on to their children because you all live in the same houses and share life together.  These can be "tendencies" or addictions or illness weaknesses, and can even be healed from several generations back, whether it be disease or trauma that happened several generations ago.  Great grandfather fought in the Revolutionary war and you struggle with anxiety? Check.  Great grandmother had TB, and now your family has extensive lung troubles?  Check.  Fascinating, hey?!
(More info on miasms here.  Please read part 1 & 2)

This book has been really exciting.  I just want to fix everyone!  Starting with myself though.  I'm still quite a newbie, so am just experimenting on myself, letting go of baggage, dealing with my grief, learning boundaries for my own health.  It's caused me to do a fearless moral inventory (AA step 4), which isn't fun.  At all.  Being honest with ourselves is the only way to healing though.  We all have skeletons in the closet somewhere somehow.  Coping mechanisms we've picked up over the years, baggage that we've never dealt with properly, forgiveness for ourselves for the sins against us, or asking forgiveness of others who we've sinned against.  Hard stuff and I'm not done yet.  Still moving forward though.

"One does not surrender a life in an instant. 

That which is lifelong can only be surrendered in a lifetime." 

~Elisabeth Elliot

Here's some of the things that the Emotional Healing book covers.  Yup.  Digs pretty deep.  Another book on the same subject that comes highly recommended is called Getting Back on Track by Jill Turland.  I have not read it yet, but hope to soon.

Here's a couple of the books below that I've acquired over the years.  The library has plenty, but I've found that having my own reference books at home written by various authors is most helpful (it can add to the confusion also though, when they contradict each other).  I love to highlight stuff too, so that isn't good to do on library books!

This book by Sue Meyer is great, as it gives in depth info on so many remedies (there's around 5,000 total).  Sue has a podcast called Homeopathy for Mommies as well and she talks a lot, so you have to learn as she talks.  I much prefer learning by reading, so don't do best listening to her as it takes far more time than skimming a book does to find what I need.  She also has it organized by symptoms so you can compare them better when trying to find the right remedy.

This book is my favorite, by Joette Calabrese. (sorry for the sideways pic) She's the homeopath who I've learned the most from, as she shares the most free information online.  She has a very thorough website chock full of free info, writes regularly for the Weston A. Price Foundation, has classes you can take and then her book shown above, along with every Monday she posts a video on a new remedy.  They can all be found on YouTube or her FB page.  I'd absolutely love to take all her classes, but right now my bandwidth is pretty limited for time and learning so I'll just stick to my book learning.  Someday... 

Joette uses a different kind of homeopathy dosing methodology, which is called the Banerji protocols, which are a honed in system formulated by the Banerji doctors in India.  She has trained under them and they treat thousands of patients, sometimes each day and needed a more streamlined process for seeing more patients, as well as making it cost effective for the lower income ones.  So, they came up with protocols that are used in a systematic format according to symptoms.  These protocols work approximately 80% of the time, and the rest of the time another method (called Classical homeopathy) is needed to treat the patient's symptoms.  Classical homeopathy takes a very thorough patient history and assessment (2 hours usually) and then the Homeopath chooses a remedy based on the results.  The protocols are based on knowing a diagnosis and giving a basic remedy protocol for that.  Both work, it's just more what you want for what you're dealing with.

Christina Villacorta is another Banerji protocol homeopath with lots of good info.  You can also look at my extensive list of pins on Pinterest if you're just looking for something specific, or just want to see what kind of stuff is treatable.

Right now we are working on some symptoms with one of our kids.  Our Naturopath chose 2 remedies this last round (she uses the Classical method).  She put about 5 little pellets in a little paper envelope and her dosing instructions were to take the first packet when we got home, and then wait 2 weeks.  Then take the next 3 little packets (a different remedy) once per week.  The end.  Sounds too simple.  But the last round we did it, she hit the nail on the head and the symptoms became less frequent and then changed format (thus the need to move to a new remedy).  This is the healing process as the illness/symptoms/challenges are slowly being worked out of the body to a state of balance and health.  So cool huh?!

Now comes the tricky part.  How to know what remedy to choose, what dose, how often, what are signs that it's working or not working?  And what's an aggravation?  That's where I wish I knew more information.  These are all ambiguous questions with vague answers.  It becomes second nature with lots of practice, but for us newbies it can be like drinking from a fire house to figure out all the rules to follow and then all the exceptions to it.  Kind of like learning English as a second language, I would suppose!  BTW, An aggravation is what happens as your body is healing and old symptoms come back that are being pushed out of the body to get rid of.  Eczema returns as your body is healing the root cause of it from way back in childhood after steroids or meds that suppressed it for years, or it switched to more serious symptoms with the same root cause.  Often eczema turns into asthma, as it settles in the lungs.  Skin issues are the most common aggravations, but usually clear up pretty quickly.  

That's about all for now.  Feel free to ask me any questions, and I'd be glad to either answer them or find the answer for them from someone more experienced than myself (more likely!)

Book Review~ The Fourfold Path to Healing

This book was interesting.  It is in the same series with Nourishing Traditions and the Nourishing Baby Care book by Dr. Thomas Cowan.   It teaches you how to heal yourself from various ailments and avoid them if you don't want them too!  Spoiler alert: cod liver oil.  That's the missing factor in all the diseases in the book.  There's other nutrient lacks as well, but that's the one that is the game changer throughout, mostly because the foods we eat these days don't have enough of the same nutrients it has.  This is because when we eat meat; the majority of animals aren't pastured on grass, or they aren't in the wild, or we don't eat the whole animal as traditional cultures did.  If you don't feel like reading the whole book, there's a summary for each ailment on what he recommends to take which is nice, but the explanation on why he uses what he does for healing is very interesting I think.

He relies strongly on Weston A. Price dietary principles and Standard Process vitamins for the other basis of healing, along with body work (think calesthenics) to relax and get energy moving in the right ways through the body.  I'm not so sure how that works exactly, but he tends to think it does help heal.  He also uses something called protomorphogens for healing organs.  We've used these also through our Naturopath to heal specific organs.   They work kind of like homeopathy, allowing the body to heal specific areas using small amounts of bovine organ material.  It kind of reminds the glands to rebuild themselves.  This Dr. is also uses homeopathy in a more methodical and mechanical way than I've seen before, using specific doses for specific conditions across the board.  

He does get into the emotional/physical connections a lot, which is nice, as they are far more intertwined than most of us believe. (I'll explain this in my homeopathy post coming up!)  He also talks about how much of our healing is not due to the Dr, but our relationship with the doctor.  Do we have a friendship with them so that we trust that they are looking our for our true healing (not just symptom management), or is it a purely business deal (involving prescriptions, surgery and the like).  Normal medical doctors spend an average of 7 minutes with their patients twice a year.  How can they establish a caring relationship in that amount of time?  There's just not enough time, even among the best of the best.  Typically a Functional, Osteopathic or Naturopathic Dr. spends between 30-90 minutes in each appointment, thus establishing a caring and trustful bond.  The other lack is that mainstream doctors have to do so much charting and coding for insurance claims (up to half their day is spent this way), this eats into the time they can spend with their patients and it also limits the care they can give as well. (They can only offer what insurance deems worthy to cover, rather than what each patient actually needs).  That's all in this book!

Side Note, not from the book~

A new trend and great option out there that I just learned about is called Direct Primary Care where you pay a monthly fee and have your doctor at your beck and call.  They work for you and will do what you want (within reason, of course!)  They do recommend they you get a high deductible health plan for any major medical issues or emergencies.  The benefits of this system are:

1) you get more time with your doctor due to them not dealing with insurance shenanigans

2) they work for you rather than for insurance

3) less ER and urgent care visits as issues are taken care of quickly and efficiently, there's always someone on call and they know you well enough that a phone call or Zoom interview is often enough

4) each doctor has less patients and thus can give better care overall

Here's the link to find one near you~

https://www.dpcare.org/

Here's a link for one local Dr, which explains it much more thoroughly~

https://www.baxterfamilymedicine.com/

I would say the only downside I can see is that if you are quite healthy, this can get expensive for minimal care.  But isn't insurance the same?!  Sometimes finding a Dr who takes cash payments is a cheaper option overall, with just a high deductible major medical plan of some sort, whether through insurance or a health care sharing co-op.

Book review~ Eve in Exile

Part of my book reviews I need to finish up with was the Eve in Exile book that I reviewed a month or so ago in a previous post.  When I was ready to take it back to the library, I realized that it still had a bookmark in it, and that I hadn't finished reviewing the end of the book which is what tied it all together.  

I also want to clarify that this book isn't written, and I'm not writing any of this stuff to put heavies on others to do more or be more or expect more.  If you think that, then you are missing the point.  The point is to notice how the feminist movement that we've all grown up in and been surrounded our whole lives by has left us wanting as women, and it's so subtle that often it's hard to notice where we went off course.  Eve in Exile brings out what went wrong, the how's and why's and what we can do to rectify it.  She writes in the book that the movement itself has pretty much crashed and burned, and now's the time to rebuild better than before.  As Christians, let's lead the way! Soo...

How do we "subdue" and "fill" our homes?  We first have to see it as a hugely meaningful task.  Not a degrading one that needs to be escaped from somehow (shopping, jobs, careers, etc).  The home we live in clearly matters (not the size or shape, but the intrinsic value).  Our homes nurture, provide food and rest, give shelter and create a loyalty to itself to become one of the strongest of all human emotions.  Home is where your people are, and your deepest loves and allegiances lie.  Or it can be a place of contempt, bitterness, envy and strife.  Whatever is the outcome in our own homes, us women are at the helm, and it is not an irrelevant position to hold.  Our aim should first be towards our homes and our husbands and children (if we have them) and then we venture out further after that.  She encourages and explores all sorts of "venturing" depending on your ages and stages.

Filling it includes the fruitfulness of having children to the glory of God, but there are so many other ways to fill and be fruitful that are outside of that.  Nurturing, caregiving, filling the earth with the knowledge and love of God, showing hospitality, making life lovely and beautiful for those around them (inside and out).  When men and pastors go about bringing change, they do it with ideas and very directly.  Women do it more subtly with hot food and love and joy and serving others in everything they do.  Women like Mother Teresa and Amy Carmichael come to mind for me.  I also think of Greg's grandparents (or mine) who his Papa was a Pastor always discussing doctrine and theology way into the night; but his Grandma was the one was busy endlessly opening her home, quietly changing the sheets on the beds yet again, and making sure the men had plenty of coffee and cinnamon rolls to add to their discussion.  Oh, to be more like her someday!  Her silence spoke volumes of her faith and her faithfulness without her having to say a word.   Whatever our lot is, we should see our jobs as poetry.  We shape lives.  We shape loves and loyalties, we weave glorious truths into the souls of the people around us.  It's a tall order for sure, one that I fail at every day, that's for sure!  I certainly am not adding more "heavies" to what we are already bearing, it's just an interesting perspective on how important tending to the care of our own homes and loves.

She also shares how we should strive to be helpers to the men we have; not the men we wish we had or the men we wish our own would become someday.  She likens it to people who dress for the body they wish they have, not the body they have.  It's rather painful to witness.   She encourages us to look at our husbands and their callings and their loves and then glorify those.  Make your children see how amazing their dad is, and how his work is significant and that you and your kids are incredibly privileged to be a part of his life.  A real life example of this she uses is the Pioneer Woman.  Translate that into your own life and use wisdom and discernment to make it glorious.  Own your story!  Ask him what he loves, how he wants his house, how he wants his children raised and then make it happen.  The idea of actually being a helper to your husband rather than pushing your own ideas and dreams and following them doesn't seem real fun, especially if your husbands plans don't seem like a rewarding project; but the results of this will be transformative.  Women change the world this way, ever since Adam and Eve.  They compel their husbands without a word (1 Pet 3:1) to become a whole lot better men themselves.  The women believe in the men they married, that God will give the results.  If you don't have a husband and/or children, there are plenty of needs out there that we can share our love and devotion to.

The last chapter is short and it focuses on the differences between men and women.  How as soon as women start demanding equality, they lose the difference between the sexes and lose their God given glory.  We need to embrace the differences, and realize we've been created to bring glory to God in different ways.  We show and bring glory when we give of ourselves, sacrifice ourselves and submit freely to our husbands (as we vowed to do) and that glory will grow and grow.  We won't notice it, but others will. (Matt 5:16).  When we begin looking at our own perceived needs, our rights, our self-esteem or our fulfillment then our glory decreases.  When we lay our pride down, God will give us of His dignity.  Feminine glory is fruitful, it produces and builds but often looks messy and hilarious and ridiculous to the outsider. (Prov 14:4)  We want all the world to "taste and see that the Lord is good"(Prov 34:8).

I'll let you figure out how to do that for your own life.  Or not.  

Fall ponderings...

I'm going to try to start doing more writing over the next while.  Partly because I've gotten off social media for a while and feel I need to do more pondering, and less absorbing what I'll refer to as "O.P.P." (other people's problems).  It seems like my whole 40s have been spent listening and trying to sort O.P.P., and it's left me with absolutely no energy left to ponder and sort my own life (good, bad and otherwise).  Sure I've read a good number of books in my burned out days with no physical energy left to serve my family, and I've spent plenty of time on social media "zoning out" due to the same; and I regret most of it because my husband and children have paid the biggest price for this state of exhaustion and mental depletion that I've found myself in.

I had a health issue come up a couple weekends ago, and it caused me to do some fasting, praying and thinking which was a good thing.  But when that happens, it also brings with it lots of guilt for the person I can't be (my own expectations of myself, others' expectations of me, or just my own perceived expectations of what I think others have of me), which I fail at daily.  And I'm not very good at seeing who I truly am and who God wants me to be in the right here, right now.  I did see clearly how I've failed my husband and children over and over though, by carrying other people's baggage that I can doing nothing about.  There's been a lot of it; heavily laden with drama, chaos, sin, brokenness and sadness.  There hasn't been a day free from it as far back as I can recall, counting only since Levi was born 5 years ago.  And it's used up all my bandwidth to even be able to see clearly the joy in my own marriage and wonderful husband; and to find joy in and seek to meet the many needs of my many children.  It's also caused me to feel guilty for these blessings rather than be thankful for them, because the O.P.P.s have been dumped on me so heavily these past years.

So, I'm also searching my heart and my part to play in this as well.  Did I (or do I still?) feel somehow I can help them?  Or do I take "bearing one another's burdens" literally and think that I should be weighed down heavily with them for some unknown reason? ("rejoice with those who rejoice, and weep with those who weep"?)  Or is my greatest strength (being a good listener) also my greatest weakness because I'm unable to set healthy boundaries for my own family's health and well-being?  Or why can't I just pray for them and leave it there?  Sounds like a great idea until it actually has to be done!

What has become clear though, is the people that have these endless problems are complex situations to begin with.  They've had problems dealing with people for years, even decades and lifetimes.  Their current states of affairs are nothing new.  They've had trouble getting along with folks long before I came in the picture.  Problems with the churches they went to, the jobs they worked at, their in-laws, their friends, their roommates,  etc.  Now it's just a new set of people causing "unsolvable" problems in their lives.  Or health concerns that have been ignored for decades and are now catching up.  Or sinful or prideful habits leading to eventual consequences.

I really shouldn't be surprised though.  It's a broken world, and it's not our home (thankfully!)  I was recently talking with my Dad and was commenting on how my 40s have been pretty dismal so far.  The 20s and 30s were exciting, full of new opportunities and hope.  The 40s are just lame and boring.  Everything is just staying the same or getting worse.  He commented that he noticed that when he got to his 40s, he and those his near his age all started paying the consequences for choices they made in their 20s and 30s.  What they had chosen for a career (or not!), who they married and the way their children's upbringings ended up, the sickness and the health, the addictions and the vices.   We do reap what we sow in so many ways here on earth, even if we are covered in God's grace for eternity. (Gal 6:7)

The other thing I noticed about this particular group of people (the O.P.P. sort) is that they can't own up to their own problems.  No matter what happens, they blame it on someone or something else.   You can't have an honest conversation with them, because they'll spend the whole time justifying why they deserve to be hurt and offended, and how there was nothing that could have been done by them to change the outcome.  They are always the victim and they expect from others what they are unwilling and/or unable to do themselves (offering empathy to others being the biggest thing I've noticed).  This is likely because by offering true empathy to others takes the attention and focus off themselves, and they can't handle that for whatever reason.  There's never a level playing field of give and take, talk and listen, & learn and grow like in a normal healthy relationship.  It's all about seeking attention and getting control of the audience.  I'll admit I don't have any idea where this behavior stems from, but low self-esteem and insecurity seems to be a common denominator across the board, and possibly childhood baggage and lack of coping skills.

There has been blessings come of this emotional train wreckage too though.  I've been able to forgive in ways I thought impossible.  To forgive those who aren't repentant because they just are who they are.  God's not finished with them (or me!) yet, and I will continue to pray that He will work His ways to bring us all closer to Him and a better understanding of His love and grace due to our own brokenness and stubbornness.

It's also brought me new friends who have been a huge blessing in my life that I didn't know I needed.  Sometimes friendships fade away as people drift apart for various reasons, and although there's grieving needed to be done (I've done plenty!), there's also joy to be found in new ones.  There's new ideas, new perspectives that challenge us, and many new conversations to be had.

This podcast recently challenged me as well.  The latest two posts are called, "When Friends Flame Off" and "I Don't Wanna" about how to act and what to say (or not say) when our friends are going off in their own direction and we don't know how to react or what to do.  Good stuff!  Lots of extra chit chat that's unnecessary, but somewhat enjoyable if you have the time to listen.  Hard stuff to sort out, and as I'm seeing, much harder for ladies than men.  Men are able to parse this stuff out and not let it bother them at all!  Women, not so much!  I wish when my friends needed help I could just offer my shop or my tools to them and call it good!  Or ask them for help on a project.  My husband has a friend who thinks that if you don't invite him over to help somewhat often, then you must not like him.  Women aren't that way.  There's the kid discipline problems and the marriage problems and the health problems and the church problems and the in-law problems and the money problems...if only it was as simple as replacing an alternator! 

So what am I going to do now?  Try to heal my heart and my body.  I've done lots of grieving and forgiving thus far, but it seems to resurface again and again, so I have to be ready to tackle it again and again (usually unexpectedly!)  Greg has prescribed that I need to start swimming again and to heal my adrenals so that I'm stronger and not so affected by outside winds and waves that will always come.  I've been supporting them, but not specifically healing them so I'm going to work on that for now.  I've also discovered homeopathic healing modalities that have been working well for some of my physical symptoms.  I'm also journaling again to sort my thoughts a bit more thoroughly (technically called "expressive writing").  Check out the latest Reader's Digest (11/2021) for an explanation what this is.  I've also got some good stacks of books I'm working through as well, which I'll be doing some reports on here as I can find time.  

I'm also trying to figure out how to apply this verse below in a healthy way with boundaries, as to not succumb myself.  I understand that there are times when we are weak, and times when we are strong; and it's not up to us to be never in one camp and always in another.  Admitting truthfully where we are right now is important.

Romans 15:1 We then that are strong ought to bear the infirmities of the weak, and not to please ourselves.