In the first week, she clarified principles of Godly friendship. How Jesus is the glue that should hold them together, but that He is also the solvent that separates friends if they are not willing to accept the authority God gives in His Word. Christian friendship should be open, glad obedience to Christ and all of His Word. She encouraged us to not to hurry into defining friendship, as these things take time. Is the friendship serving Christ, or serving each other? Are we expecting too much, or do we have fairytale ideals of what our friends should be or do for us (and forget that we are all sinful people in a sinful world)? Do we recognize that our friends are not our "emotional slaves" to meet our perceived needs? Does this friendship honor God? Am putting more on my friends than they should bear, and is it pulling them away from them minding their own station of serving their own husbands and children? Are we becoming (or already are) busybodies, sharing information not meant to be shared about our husbands, children, family and friends? Is our time spent with our friends staring into each others faces and telling our tales of woe, or are we spent industriously looking forward together, serving the Lord? Good questions, of which I definitely don't have the answers for. Each situation is very different, and wisdom is needed discerning our own selfish hearts as well as receiving each other as friends and what that truly means.
1 Tim 5:13 And withal they learn to be idle, wandering about from house to house; and not only idle, but tattlers also and busybodies, speaking things which they ought not.
If your friend said to you, "Since we are both Christians, let's see what the Bible says about X, Y, Z (problem of yours)." How would that fly with your venting session or coffee dates? Do you really want to know what the Bible says, or do you just want "support" for your side of the issues you are facing? I'm totally guilty of too much listening to problems and not sharing enough true Biblical guidance. I'm guilty of too much whining too. I have honestly feared the friendship heading south if I opposed the other party (which has happened, just as predicted), I've feared people thinking I'm self-righteous and "holier-than-thou". I've also feared that I'm not being "supportive" and I regretfully admit that I absolutely dread conflict (although I do like a healthy debate!) Even when I've disagreed with someone on the inside, I usually have given a generic "smile & nod" response because I don't want to rock the boat with ideas that I know wouldn't be taken well at all. I've also been known to be so shocked at what other people think is ok, that I have no idea what to say to their random ideas. Late in bed that night I often come up with a healthy response, but by then it's too late.
She also advises against what she calls "fishhook friends". People who give you complements ("you're the only friend who understands me" "you are so unique in such and such way", etc), gifts and do niceties for you, and in return expect you to be their friend. They nab your with their tricks (could be unconsciously or consciously), and then hook you and reel you in. We are not obligated to be friends with anyone, no matter how much they may want or expect it. We should be kind, friendly and courteous to all people, but we should choose our true friends carefully and judiciously.
The second week was spent talking about telos (goals, end point) of godly friendship. This would be heaven. Godly friendship should help us on our journey to get to heaven. So, this means that to be or have a friendship, our friends should be on their way too. This also means that both sides believe the authority of the Bible and are willing to proclaim them to each other. The whole Bible, not just the parts that suit us too. The refining, convicting, challenging, repenting, growing in grace parts too. Biblical friendship is not resting easy in a life of ease and getting what we think we deserve, but it is a hard journey and we need sturdy traveling companions. She likens it to Pilgrims Progress (and I'll add in Hinds Feet In High Places too). We have hard stuff to face, but we also have the Word to guide us each and every day. We need friends who will give us gospel truths, not just tickle our ears with what we want to hear. We also always have Christ the Comforter with us at all times, so we truly are never alone. We should not be looking for our friends to meet the needs that only Christ is meant to fill- growing in grace and wisdom, to help us understand God, to guide you through your marriage and parenting challenges, to be "with" you at all times, etc.
She also reminded us that we should always be serving Christ, not our friend. We should always honor God not man. Christian friends should~
-hold us accountable for our sin
-help us in personal growth
-help us in applying our faith
-growing in Christ-like-ness
-encouraging & edifying each other
-not indulging in bad attitudes, complaining, envy or jealousy
-carrying our own burdens to Christ, not dumping on our friends
She clarifies that most of these things should be done by our example, we don't need to try to be the Holy Spirit for our friends as if they don't have it themselves. We all have enough sins and foibles to work on ourselves, let alone think we can somehow know more than our friends about what's best for them. She gives a word picture of Jesus telling our friend that He washes away her sins, but then there we are standing behind Him saying, "you forgot about that one" and "but she does this and this too". As if Jesus doesn't know what He's doing, and needs our help to point out a few more sins and failings in our dear sister. I find this a very fine line, because honestly very few people want to hear about their shortcomings from their friends (myself included), no matter how damaging they are to those watching or how good the friendship is. Shouldn't we all be willing to improve our relationships? Is our pride that precious to us? How do we actually go about "speaking the truth in love" in real life and have it taken to heart instead of offensively/defensively?
Week 3 was spent focusing on the pitfalls that are common to friendship. She reiterated that a companion on the way to heaven is not equal to an emotional caretaker. Big difference. She encouraged us to opt into hard conversations, when needed, and not avoid them due to people pleasing or fear. But also ask, why am I confronting this person? Is it to prove I'm right? Prove them wrong? Or am I lovingly concerned that they are in sin, walking away from the Lord, or indulging in their own desires too much?
The two pitfalls she spent the most time on was
1) Idolatry- is the relationship serving God or each other? Are we trying to please or placate (to soothe or mollify especially by concessions, appease) others? Is the focus on worshiping self (my wants, needs, desires, wishes, ideas, philosophies)? This is so common in our world today, but should not be in the life of a Christian. Are we clear and loving, but unbudgible in our willingness to follow the Bible in our lives? Do we placate them because of fear of emotional outbursts of our friends? These are all forms of idolatry, which is the breaking of the 1st commandment. Serious stuff.
2) Not agreeing with God about the order of the world- (Romans 1) Do we believe that marriage is between 1 man + 1 woman? There is not a place for an extra "emotional" partner. God made marriage this way so that our husbands will push against our sinful weaknesses, rather than indulge them like a woman with similar weaknesses may do. She encouraged us to never get involved in other people's marriage issues, but always "take it up the chain" (of command, so that the proper people may seek to help the situation). Don't feel honored if someone comes to you with their marriage issues, get out now! Let your friends know that you are not a safe place for unloading marriage gripes and complaining. That you are never a refuge for sin (either party), and that you'll do something about it right away (talk to a pastor or counselor, call the police, whatever chain of command seems fitting). Especially never listen to one party when the other party isn't present. We all tend to mix up our real needs from our perceived needs, and this is where it gets messy. No one knows the truth. Everyone involved is going to have a different perception and a different story. Opt out of other people's drama.
Iron sharpens iron, and thus we can truly be friends if we encourage and edify one another, not indulging in their sinful tendencies, while mortifying our own sins each day too.
The last week was spent on the building blocks of good friendship, the things not so often talked about in our world today. The biggest way to find a good friend is to be one. We can only control ourselves, so asking God to show us our own failings, sins and foibles will do more for building Christian friendships than anything else. We need to courageously root out our own sins before we can reach out in love to each other.
Luke 7:47 Wherefore I say unto thee, Her sins, which are many, are forgiven; for she loved much: but to whom little is forgiven, the same loveth little.
C.S. Lewis says in The Four Loves, "We picture lovers face to face but friends side by side; their eyes look ahead, that is why those pathetic people who simply ‘want friends’ can never make any. The very condition of having friends is that we should want something else besides friends.” Friendship must be about something— some common interest, “even if it were only an enthusiasm for dominoes or white mice. Those who have nothing can share nothing; those who are going nowhere can have no fellow-travelers". (source)
Our friendships should be without any strings attached, without expectations (as these will always get dashed), and constantly open handed. Give without expecting anything in return, even loyalty. Notice if your heart gets clingy to someone and repent of it. No one is expected to give you anything. Burn any mental notebooks about what others should or shouldn't do for me, and don't be hasty in your judgments of others. Friendship with specific expectations is like a loan shark who hasn't been paid back yet. We should also not be usurers, only giving with some sort of return profit in mind. It's "hellish behavior" (her words, not mine!) If you struggle with these things, ask God to make you more generous, and be honest with your own heart of your intentions. We give because Christ gave freely to us. Not for any other reasons. Be friendly about things, not just friendship itself. Have new ideas, be always willing to learn. Jordan Peterson's Rule 9: "Assume That The Person You Are Listening To Might Know Something You Don’t" applies here.
“Hold everything in your hands lightly, otherwise it hurts when God pries your fingers open.”-. Corrie ten Boom.
At the end of each session she did a Q&A session, and I didn't write any of them down but the last one. In it, was asked if it's ever appropriate to share parenting or marriage advice. She did say that yes it was at times, but to get your husband's permission first and have him present if possible. Same with teens or older kids. If you want to break their trust by sharing their sins or something that might shame or embarrass them, get their permission first. Little kids don't seem to care so much, but use discretion. Would I have wanted this said about me when I was a child?
All in all, lots of good, convicting and encouraging information. There's some repenting I'm needing to do as well. I'm still mulling it over, as I can see that it's not cut and dry situations. Every friendship is different, and we each have different trust levels with each other, so what might be appropriate for one might not be for another. She said time and again to "focus on Christ" and "seek Christ" but I don't know how that looks in a boots-on-the-ground sort of way. If Christ meets all our needs, then why do we even need or want friends? He is the Comforter and is always with us, but somehow we need the Body of Christ in real people here on earth too. I'm having a hard time separating the different and same aspects of each.
