It seems like I need to sort my thoughts for the new year a bit here, so this is what I'll do today. I've been thinking much about goals and directions, or vision if you will; and I kind of get discouraged. I read a recent blog about it, (I rarely read these anymore these days, but I wondered what a "vision board" was for the new year). It was so discouraging. Every time I try to do such things, it blows up in my face somehow or another. So, it's better just to keep plodding in day in and day out. I don't even know what our needs or our plans or our visons are for the next year. I don't know what my husband needs, or my kids need. Or where the world will be. Or anything even remotely in that direction.
Romans 7:19 For the good that I would I do not: but the evil which I would not, that I do.
What I have noticed over the years, is that we often don't know how things will come to fruition, so how can we even plan or strive to get there? You notice how I use the word strive. Yep. (strive: [verb] to devote serious effort or energy) I don't have "serious effort or energy". I wish I did, but then maybe I wouldn't understand God's grace as much as He wants me to. I barely make it most days. I can't think about a week ahead, let alone a year. Does that mean God will not lead me where He wants me to go just because I don't have a written down list of goals and purpose? No, of course not. When I told Greg about the blog, he said, "yeah, a whole bunch of works-based-Baptist-like people, I'm sure". Which is true. Many seem to think that somehow good works/intentions will equal righteousness somehow, someday, or that it's their good habits and processes that save their souls and that of their children. Especially when they throw Jeremiah 29:11 in for their Bible verse that explains it all. Many Bible versions say "a future and a hope" vs. the KJV that says, "expected end". We just studied this verse in Bible Study in all it's facets, and if you read the chapters before and afterwards, you will see that God knows what He was doing then (saving their souls from their own ignorance and sinfulness) and He's still doing that today, if we want to apply that verse. The hard things we go through are to learn more of His grace, not to stand on our own feet more and more each day and or to fulfill our to-do list of requests. I talked about this in my Above Rubies post a few years back. I guess I kind of have an axe to grind with this topic.
James 1:5 If any of you lack wisdom, let him ask of God, that giveth to all men liberally, and upbraideth not; and it shall be given him.
That being said, I want to share how some of our family's prayers have been answered lately, without me ever knowing how they would turn out, or what to specifically pray for. No intentional-ness here.
1) Greg's new job. He had been burned out, frustrated, and unmotivated for many years now. So, I guess hitting a midlife crisis. No new Corvettes yet though! But we had been praying for new direction for him, and he had applied for several machining jobs that he didn't get (in one the guy decided not to retire after all, another G didn't have any millwright experience, etc). Even though he still enjoyed machining, he felt there were very few options nearby that would expand his skillset any further than where he already was. He was so patient waiting for God to show the way, and He did. It turned out we were at our church campout staying next to a couple we kind-of know, when the men were "talking shop" and the job option came up "within the next couple years". Then it turned into "next couple months" which turned into "next couple weeks". We give credit to Greg's sister Amy who said that she'd pray for "a door to open for Greg to step into that he couldn't do anything but go through it". And that's how it turned out to be. Neither of us had been praying that boldly, so it was a good lesson to do so. Just as he started the job, the company moved right to Kalama, so that was just an added bonus. Greg can also see how all his previous jobs, especially the one he had when we first moved to WA have served him so well into what he is doing now. His boss at Paul Sherman was the toughest he's ever had, but he also grew and learned exponentially like never before or after during that time period (and burned out his adrenals too!) He also now can stay up later due to not getting up so early any more, but also misses his Fridays off that he's had for the past 10 year. The weekends seem all to rushed and short!
2) A job for Luke. We've been praying for options for him for many years now. A hard to face homeschool reality is that teenage boys shouldn't be home with their moms all day. Or even other kids' moms (coaches, music teachers, etc). They need to be around men, learning skills from men, and how to be men. This is a drawback to homeschooling, but can happen in other school settings too, if the teachers are mostly/all female. Since our kids were unable to work with Dad at his old job, they had to wait until they were 18, or 16 at best to go get a job somewhere (long after it was needed!). Now with Greg's new job, Luke was able to get himself a part-time job there and is learning all kinds of skills from other real men who are leading by example of what it takes to be a man. He's also hoping he can get more into learning computer designing with Arrow, but for now is working out in the yard most of the time. This is a huge answer to prayer, especially with the state of everything being online (stuck at home, on a screen) these days. We all spend too much time on screens for whatever reason or another.
3) Getting through the current illness affair. We didn't all get sick, we got well, we stayed home for the whole month of December when you add in the snow days that followed. It was kind of a relief to quit fearing it and just tackle it head on. I do realize we could get sick again, and am not off the hook yet, since we are mortals in a fallen world. I did end up getting quite dehydrated on day 12 which was quite a setback. I thought I was recovering nicely until I woke up feeling extremely dizzy and lightheaded. I borrowed a blood pressure cuff from our neighbor, and my pulse and BP were all up 30 points, and even more when I would get up standing vertical. This was concerning, but I was too dizzy to even think about what to do. I rested all that day, and hoped I'd feel better the next day, which I didn't. The first day I was down, Greg had gone back to work, so wasn't here. The next day was Christmas Eve, so I thought we should probably get it checked out, as I was concerned about blood clots and cardiac changes that often come up later after the virus has passed. I went to urgent care where my EKG was normal, but the Dr. wanted cardiac labs to ensure I didn't have any other abnormalities going on, since my pulse and BP wouldn't come down. So, I spent Christmas Eve in the ER getting that done. It was a blessing in disguise because the ER was quite empty and I was able to get in and out of there in 3 hours rather than the normal 6 hour minimum. It turned out all labs were normal and that I was just severely dehydrated. It sounds kind of silly that that is all that it was, but truthfully I have no idea how I was supposed to even suspect it. I didn't feel like it at all. I was drinking plenty of soups, broths, teas and electrolyte drinks. I have found out since then that your body needs 3x the fluids when you are sick, and that water often goes right through if the minerals are out of balance. It did take a full week before I felt "normal" again (fluid balance when I got up or down took a while to regulate).
I have to admit that during the dizziness time, I was really scared. The day before the dizziness day, I cried all day. Everything made me cry, even for no reason I cried. I couldn't stop and didn't know why (totally abnormal for me). I hadn't yet paid the bills for the month and kept obsessing about it, although I was too dizzy to go and do it. I was scared that I'd die and leave Greg with all the things undone that I normally do. Then I'd talk myself out of it and think about how he and the kids would be fine if I did die because they are now old enough to handle things better than years ago. And then I'd swing back again to being scared of dying like our friend Christine did, at the mercy of the hospital without anyone at my side during the end. Part of this came because the day before we got sick, we had been at Bible Study where we were singing Christmas carols around a beautifully decorated tree at a family from church's house. It was so beautiful that I thought to myself, "this is too good to be true and won't happen again". I don't know where the thought came from, but it made me wonder if someone would be missing the next time our congregation gathered, and if that someone would be me. It all sounds ridiculous now that I'm well, but that's where my mind went when I wasn't well. Trying to run the household from laying on the couch with very literal thinking teenage boys who are capable but can't see what needs to be done was part of it too! (I took Aconite homeopathic remedy after all was said and done, and all those irrational fears just disappeared. I didn't think of it at the time. Aconite works well on fear/anxiety; past, present or future that are overwhelming a person).
4) The thankfulness was our humble Christmas. Because of our illness, we didn't even have Christmas presents bought for the 4 youngest kids yet. We didn't have our normal Christmas food. We didn't have any company or go anywhere. We didn't have any programs or traditions, no caroling either. We had a poorly decorated but huge tree given by a different neighbor (maybe 10 random decorations, a clump of beads that some child put up without untangling, and some lights). We were thankful to God that I got out of the hospital and could come home that night (about 6pm). We were thankful for food dropped off in previous days by friends and family. We were thankful we were all home together. Thankful for a neighbor man who saw an Amazon package on our driveway (while we were at the hospital) and he was concerned it might get stolen so he called Greg and asked where he could safely hide it until we got home (it was a Christmas gift from grandparents). Thankful for a warm wood stove fire. Thankful for our kids who didn't mind that they had meager scrounged gifts, and were so forgiving and loving anyhow. I love their unselfish hearts, and it helped my guilt somewhat to see them genuinely not concerned about material things, but instead be thankful just that Mom came home. I hope I learned more about recalibrating our priorities, but I probably won't. Somehow we as parents want to make Christmas perfect for our kids, but in doing so, we lose the true spirit of it all. I'm not sure how in actuality to keep the proper balance.
5) Family and friends. I hate to be on the receiving end of help, but after this sickness experience, I'm so thankful that we have such loving extended family and friends. My idea would have it that I'm always giving, helping, arranging, and not be receiving, but that's just my own pride rearing it's ugly head. It was very humbling to have people bringing meals, offering meds and vitamins, nebulizers, BP cuffs and pulse ox monitors in case we needed them. I know plenty of people were praying for us. Sometimes I do wonder what would happen in a real crisis when we don't have immediate family nearby, but this experience told me that we do have good friends and we do have a loving church family that would watch out for us. I know it's awkward when we're sick to acknowledge it out loud, but it's also good to let others know what's going on so they can pray. The balance between drumming up drama (I know enough folks who do this often!) and actually asking for help because you truly need it. I never want to bother others, but it was a huge blessing to know so many were watching out for us, and standing on guard to help however they could.
6) Music lessons and sports, along with our teachers and the coaches. I'm so thankful for these. Without them, I think I would go mad. They engage in my kids, believe in them, give them confidence, and hold them to a higher standard than I am able to. They also give me a much needed break now and then!
This quote below has been on my mind so much lately too. So many hurts, so much confusion, so many sinful habits, so many, many problems in this world. It overwhelms me pretty much every day. But, I am learning how to not ruminate on other people's problems better, and to keep my mind in better places. Forgiveness was part of that healing (Eph 4:32), taking my thoughts captive was another (2 Cor 10:5), but also removing myself from the destructive talk and behaviors has been necessary too. I feel guilty for it, but I would be consumed if I stuck around.
Mental illness has also been in my forefront lately too. It's so hard to know what direction to go, how to set boundaries, how to get actual help and healing, how to sit back and just pray, how to support those immediately involved, etc. And how to forgive the decades of hurt is hard too, how to hold the unwell person accountable without being their skapegoat, and how to not get sucked into the vortex of the illness. How to truthfully acknowledge the problems while still "putting the best construction on all they do" as our catechism instructs. How to actually get a diagnosis is the hardest of all. The mental health system in our country sucks. Totally sucks. People who are sick don't know they are sick, and because of privacy laws the family has no say in the getting of help, or even getting the sick person to someone who can help. And then they just medicate and medicate, and don't ever get to the root of the problem. The system also likes to place lots of blame on bad parenting and encourages victimhood, instead of moving forward with healing from where we are today. It's good to acknowledge the past, but it's not good to stay there. We can't go back, we can only heal and move forward from here. It's just hard, just plain hard.
