I'm going to try to start doing more writing over the next while. Partly because I've gotten off social media for a while and feel I need to do more pondering, and less absorbing what I'll refer to as "O.P.P." (other people's problems). It seems like my whole 40s have been spent listening and trying to sort O.P.P., and it's left me with absolutely no energy left to ponder and sort my own life (good, bad and otherwise). Sure I've read a good number of books in my burned out days with no physical energy left to serve my family, and I've spent plenty of time on social media "zoning out" due to the same; and I regret most of it because my husband and children have paid the biggest price for this state of exhaustion and mental depletion that I've found myself in.
I had a health issue come up a couple weekends ago, and it caused me to do some fasting, praying and thinking which was a good thing. But when that happens, it also brings with it lots of guilt for the person I can't be (my own expectations of myself, others' expectations of me, or just my own perceived expectations of what I think others have of me), which I fail at daily. And I'm not very good at seeing who I truly am and who God wants me to be in the right here, right now. I did see clearly how I've failed my husband and children over and over though, by carrying other people's baggage that I can doing nothing about. There's been a lot of it; heavily laden with drama, chaos, sin, brokenness and sadness. There hasn't been a day free from it as far back as I can recall, counting only since Levi was born 5 years ago. And it's used up all my bandwidth to even be able to see clearly the joy in my own marriage and wonderful husband; and to find joy in and seek to meet the many needs of my many children. It's also caused me to feel guilty for these blessings rather than be thankful for them, because the O.P.P.s have been dumped on me so heavily these past years.
So, I'm also searching my heart and my part to play in this as well. Did I (or do I still?) feel somehow I can help them? Or do I take "bearing one another's burdens" literally and think that I should be weighed down heavily with them for some unknown reason? ("rejoice with those who rejoice, and weep with those who weep"?) Or is my greatest strength (being a good listener) also my greatest weakness because I'm unable to set healthy boundaries for my own family's health and well-being? Or why can't I just pray for them and leave it there? Sounds like a great idea until it actually has to be done!
What has become clear though, is the people that have these endless problems are complex situations to begin with. They've had problems dealing with people for years, even decades and lifetimes. Their current states of affairs are nothing new. They've had trouble getting along with folks long before I came in the picture. Problems with the churches they went to, the jobs they worked at, their in-laws, their friends, their roommates, etc. Now it's just a new set of people causing "unsolvable" problems in their lives. Or health concerns that have been ignored for decades and are now catching up. Or sinful or prideful habits leading to eventual consequences.
I really shouldn't be surprised though. It's a broken world, and it's not our home (thankfully!) I was recently talking with my Dad and was commenting on how my 40s have been pretty dismal so far. The 20s and 30s were exciting, full of new opportunities and hope. The 40s are just lame and boring. Everything is just staying the same or getting worse. He commented that he noticed that when he got to his 40s, he and those his near his age all started paying the consequences for choices they made in their 20s and 30s. What they had chosen for a career (or not!), who they married and the way their children's upbringings ended up, the sickness and the health, the addictions and the vices. We do reap what we sow in so many ways here on earth, even if we are covered in God's grace for eternity. (Gal 6:7)
The other thing I noticed about this particular group of people (the O.P.P. sort) is that they can't own up to their own problems. No matter what happens, they blame it on someone or something else. You can't have an honest conversation with them, because they'll spend the whole time justifying why they deserve to be hurt and offended, and how there was nothing that could have been done by them to change the outcome. They are always the victim and they expect from others what they are unwilling and/or unable to do themselves (offering empathy to others being the biggest thing I've noticed). This is likely because by offering true empathy to others takes the attention and focus off themselves, and they can't handle that for whatever reason. There's never a level playing field of give and take, talk and listen, & learn and grow like in a normal healthy relationship. It's all about seeking attention and getting control of the audience. I'll admit I don't have any idea where this behavior stems from, but low self-esteem and insecurity seems to be a common denominator across the board, and possibly childhood baggage and lack of coping skills.
There has been blessings come of this emotional train wreckage too though. I've been able to forgive in ways I thought impossible. To forgive those who aren't repentant because they just are who they are. God's not finished with them (or me!) yet, and I will continue to pray that He will work His ways to bring us all closer to Him and a better understanding of His love and grace due to our own brokenness and stubbornness.
It's also brought me new friends who have been a huge blessing in my life that I didn't know I needed. Sometimes friendships fade away as people drift apart for various reasons, and although there's grieving needed to be done (I've done plenty!), there's also joy to be found in new ones. There's new ideas, new perspectives that challenge us, and many new conversations to be had.
This podcast recently challenged me as well. The latest two posts are called, "When Friends Flame Off" and "I Don't Wanna" about how to act and what to say (or not say) when our friends are going off in their own direction and we don't know how to react or what to do. Good stuff! Lots of extra chit chat that's unnecessary, but somewhat enjoyable if you have the time to listen. Hard stuff to sort out, and as I'm seeing, much harder for ladies than men. Men are able to parse this stuff out and not let it bother them at all! Women, not so much! I wish when my friends needed help I could just offer my shop or my tools to them and call it good! Or ask them for help on a project. My husband has a friend who thinks that if you don't invite him over to help somewhat often, then you must not like him. Women aren't that way. There's the kid discipline problems and the marriage problems and the health problems and the church problems and the in-law problems and the money problems...if only it was as simple as replacing an alternator!
So what am I going to do now? Try to heal my heart and my body. I've done lots of grieving and forgiving thus far, but it seems to resurface again and again, so I have to be ready to tackle it again and again (usually unexpectedly!) Greg has prescribed that I need to start swimming again and to heal my adrenals so that I'm stronger and not so affected by outside winds and waves that will always come. I've been supporting them, but not specifically healing them so I'm going to work on that for now. I've also discovered homeopathic healing modalities that have been working well for some of my physical symptoms. I'm also journaling again to sort my thoughts a bit more thoroughly (technically called "expressive writing"). Check out the latest Reader's Digest (11/2021) for an explanation what this is. I've also got some good stacks of books I'm working through as well, which I'll be doing some reports on here as I can find time.
I'm also trying to figure out how to apply this verse below in a healthy way with boundaries, as to not succumb myself. I understand that there are times when we are weak, and times when we are strong; and it's not up to us to be never in one camp and always in another. Admitting truthfully where we are right now is important.
Romans 15:1 We then that are strong ought to bear the infirmities of the weak, and not to please ourselves.
