Books I've been reading lately- April 2019

I started out the new year with a vow to take a break from "help" books. Whether physical, emotional, spiritual or whatever help they recommend, I needed a break for several reasons.  I turned to fiction and biographies instead for a while.  I typically have a hard time finding fiction that I actually enjoy, so I just went back to my old standby author who has written several books that I hadn't read yet and started there- Francine Rivers.  And they were all a win.

The first was-
Bridge to Haven


















Leota's Garden



















And the Shofar Blew



















Then for a bit of culture change- this book was a fun read of the idiosyncrasies of the 5 different Scandinavian countries. 
The Myth of the Almost Nearly Perfect People-
Behind the Myth of the Scandinavian Utopia



















And then I caved and ordered a book from the library I had seen recommended somewhere and had to read it...
Why Stomach Acid is Good for You

Stomach acid is the key to good digestion of our nutrients, so often this can be the root problem of many health issues, namely autoimmune disorders, allergies and sensitivities and overgrowth of pathogens (yeasts, parasites, pathogens).  (source)

I tried to read a biography by one of my other favorite authors Jon Krakauer, Where Men Win Glory- the Odyssey of Pat Tillman, but I just couldn't keep interested in it.  It's all army and football, so wasn't really my area of interest.  I do admire Pat Tillman's story, and how he sacrificed for our country, but just couldn't get through the book.

That's all for now...not sure what's next except a boatload of homeschooling high school books.

The Mercy Lamp

Long ago (probably 20 years) I received a lamp from my sister for my birthday.  It was beautiful and comforting and I loved having it in my possession.  Then I had children and that lamp was knocked off a dresser and broke.  I was saddened, but more concerned about the safety of my child in the incident.  Bye, bye lamp.  Oh, well.

Then maybe 2 years ago I saw another lamp the same as I had had at a garage sale.  I bought it and was happy once again.  Since I didn't need it in my own room, dear daughter has had it on her dresser since then.  

Life went on.  

Last week 2 of the boys were fighting over Lego creations, intact ones and broken ones due to each others carelessness.  I used the conflict for a lesson in mercy.  How we should offer mercy instead of revenge, as Jesus teaches and shows us by example.  The question was asked, "when we offer mercy, does that mean there isn't consequence for our actions?"  No, of course not.  Next question, "did you ever have something precious that got wrecked and you didn't get mad about it?"  The lamp was the example that came to mind so I shared it.  And how happy I was that I found another one.  How people are so much more valuable than things.  Any things.  We talked through the conflict, asked forgiveness and made things right.  And went to bed.

Just a couple of days later, dear daughter moved this same lamp to the living room to put on her desk to do some writing late at night.  Then the next night another brother moved it to another desk to use, and then another brother accidentally knocked it off and crash (!!) there the lamp went again.  I totally freaked out.  I yelled and accused the 3 kids of carelessness and neglect.  I was mad at myself for noticing the lamp was in a precarious spot but didn't summon anyone to put it away when I saw it.  I was more worried about a thing than my people.  I sure didn't offer mercy and forgiveness!  I had acted exactly as my boys did over the broken Legos.  Ouch!  After I was finished yelling, 2 of the kids had all the pieces picked up and were super gluing it back together.  I wanted to just throw the lamp away so I didn't need to be reminded of my immaturity and sinfulness, but also didn't want to deter the kids from their attempts at fixing the situation.

That evening when Greg saw the broken-but-fixed lamp, he wondered what had happened.  I told him the whole story, especially the part about wanting to throw it out instead of being reminded of my blatant sinfulness.  He said, "I think we should keep it.  And name it The Mercy Lamp."  Yep, he's right.  And so we did.

God still keeps teaching us lessons, hey?  How we can't just avoid sinfulness by our own self-will or good intentions.  How our own expectations of ourselves must die each day, and our pride gets smushed once again.  Such a humbling, good thing to crash back down and fall into the arms of Jesus, and Him alone.  Again and again.

That Pesky Pride

I've been challenged by pride a lot this past year.  I've been convicted of it myself again and again, as well as teaching my kids how to recognize it in their hearts and actions.  We all struggle with pride if we are on this Christian walk.  If we say that we don't, then maybe we either aren't human or are perfect like Christ or we're extremely ignorant of the sinfulness of our own hearts.

Pride is spoken of in two ways mainly in the Bible.  The bad pride which is the boasting (even if only in our head), looking down on others (because they think or act different from the way we think is right), thinking we are somehow better than others and the thoughts that go along with that (Psalms and Proverbs are full of references).  And the good kind which is the pride after a hard job well done (Ecc. 5:18-20).  As a friend mentioned, it would be good if these had different words for each, so they wouldn't be so confusing.  The Websters 1828 definition of pride is even more extensive, and has 9 different facets.

James 4:6 But he giveth more grace. Wherefore he saith, 

God resisteth the proud, but giveth grace unto the humble.

Recently Greg preached on how the law is needed to show us the gospel of Christ, and this is always good to remember as well.  If we only hear how wonderful we are (as many preachers these days tend to preach, as it's easier to like), and we don't hear the law as well, then we can tend to think that we aren't as bad  (or prideful) as we really are.  The law (10 commandments for starters) shows us how much we fail in terms of God's unreachable standards.  Thankfully as Lutherans, we have the Catechism that expands on these commandments even more for us, in case there was any doubt as to whether we can live up to the high standards that God has laid out for us.  Philippians 2 gives a glimpse into how we should think and act (like Christ).  I know I fall short of this every day in my attempts to be more Christlike.

Philippians 2:1-9 If there be therefore any consolation in Christ, if any comfort of love, if any fellowship of the Spirit, if any bowels and mercies,  Fulfil ye my joy, that ye be likeminded, having the same love, being of one accord, of one mind.  Let nothing be done through strife or vainglory; but in lowliness of mind let each esteem other better than themselves.  Look not every man on his own things, but every man also on the things of others.  Let this mind be in you, which was also in Christ Jesus:  Who, being in the form of God, thought it not robbery to be equal with God:  But made himself of no reputation, and took upon him the form of a servant, and was made in the likeness of men:  And being found in fashion as a man, he humbled himself, and became obedient unto death, even the death of the cross. Wherefore God also hath highly exalted him, and given him a name which is above every name:

In the Pineapple Story, Otto Koning tells how when we think we own our personal things/possessions, our time, our reputation;  these are forms of pride as well.  What do we think we "deserve"?  Who do we really love?  Ourself?  What measures do we take to protect these things?  What is the cost (to our health, our relationships with Christ and with others) of trying to preserve these things?  These talks really challenged our family on our pride, in such a good way.  As Christians all we really deserve is death and destruction.  We don't deserve happiness, outward peace, good health, lack of trials, or fulfilled hopes and dreams.  None of it is guaranteed that I can find in the Bible.  We are promised peace in our hearts and souls, and that God will be with us whatever we face, but our possessions, time and reputation all needs to be given over God if we want true happiness in our hearts.  Easier said than done, but aren't we all a work in progress?

"Husbands, when your marriage gets hard it doesn’t mean you and your wife are incompatible. It doesn’t mean that you married the wrong woman. It means you and your wife have some much needed dying to do. We have to remember, Jesus didn’t come to torment our flesh, He came to kill it. Every violent or aggressive argument in your marriage is nothing more than the death throes of your own selfishness, pride, and anger. My pastor once told me, “You can’t argue with a humble person.” What a powerful truth. In our first few years of marriage, Veronica and I fought with our claws out. We exchanged hurt for hurt. For one season in particular, our marriage caused us more harm than healing. Today, however, through the power of the Holy Spirit, that Dale and that Veronica are dead. While we have not fully perfected the art of oneness, we have learned that our marriage has a 100% chance of survival if we just do it God’s way and not our own." ~Dale Partridge

On a secular note, last night Greg asked me to come and listen to a song which he was listening to, and so I did.  It's called Husbands and Wives by Brooks and Dunn.   That reminded me of another song called Foolish Pride by Travis Tritt.  If even these country singers can hit the nail on the head of the  results of how so many of us struggle with pride, why is this so hard for us to see in ourselves and admit?  And if we do admit it, how come we all seem to struggle with the same things over and over again?  What are we really fearing if we are scared to give up our rights and with it our pride?  God does give us the power over all our pride, but the lessons don't come easy.  It means dying to self just as the missionary George Muller describes below~

To one who asked him the secret of his service, George Muller said: “There was a day when I died, utterly died;” and, as he spoke, he bent lower and lower until he almost touched the floor-“died to George Muller, his opinions, preferences, tastes, and will- died to the world, its approval or censure- died to the approval or blame even of my brethren and friends-and since then I have studied only to show myself approved unto God.” -British Weekly

These hymns have been helping encourage me on this pride squelching, humility increasing journey~ I Surrender All, Have Thine Own Way Lord, Take My Life and Let it Be, Where He Leads Me, and Cleanse Me.  May you be encouraged to daily kill that selfish pride, and follow Christ's example of humility, dying to self, ceasing of striving and strife, and seeking after humility and esteeming others better than ourselves in every way.  It's backwards of what the world would teach, but we aren't of this world, are we?!

Christmas Letter 2018

December 2018

Wishing our friends and family a very Merry Christmas this year. We're praying for health, peace and hope for you as we celebrate the birth of Jesus. This year has been a year of plain, old sameness and new changes for us it seems.

We are still in the same house, Greg's doing the same job, I'm busy home schooling the same kiddos although they're growing more challenging each year. Greg has been busy building a shop on our property this year, which has been his big undertaking. His dad Clark was a huge help on it this summer, when he and Sue were up here from Arizona for 6 weeks.

at the Kurtti family reunion this summer

Luke has been interested in computer drafting, house planning, Minecraft and Legos this past year. He joined the middle school track & field team last spring, and then also our local homeschool cross country and soccer teams as well. He's perfecting Fur Elise on the piano, much to his mother's enjoyment, and his reluctance.

Luke 13 1/2

James is loving all things “The Hobbit” lately. He can be found doing pull-ups on his pull-up bar throughout the day, taking his dog Charlie for runs and working on his training. He recently learned Swanee River (for his Great Grandma Davidson) on the piano and is now working on some Christmas tunes. James also did cross country and soccer, and is looking forward to wrestling in the new year.

James 11 1/2

Elise is our cat loving girl. She received a cat for Christmas last year, and loved him up thoroughly. Unfortunately he disappeared a month ago, and has not returned. This has been heart-breaking for her, so plans are in the works to get her a new one. It's been a hard lesson on grief and loss, but also on loving wholeheartedly too. She's been playing her violin faithfully, as well as enjoying soccer and soon the wrestling season.


Elise 9 1/2

Isaac spends his time drawing birds, thinking about birds, looking for birds and building houses for birds. He loves owls, and his favorite book to read is “Owl at Home” by Arnold Lobel, which warms my mama heart because that was also my favorite book when I was in grade 2 as well. He played soccer and will do wrestling.


Isaac 7

Celeste likes entertaining Levi, and just playing. Stuffed animals, store, with her tent, dress up, and whatever ideas she and the other kids come up with. She is full of big ideas and small knowledge. We call her the “peanut gallery” because she is so confident in her knowledge, but often her facts are quite mixed up.

Celeste 4 1/2

Levi is our little wild card. He keeps us laughing with his expanding vocabulary that we often have to decipher. He's in love with all things dogs or puppies, and has them on his little brain all day and night. Some of his words are Ludley (Charlie, our dog), Leedla, Leedla (Grandpa, Grandma), Ho-ho-back (horse, horsey-back (his siblings give him horsey-back rides so all horses are ho-ho-backs)), Ooh-pah (water- the sound made when one drinks), ha-ha-he-he baws (monkey bars) to name a few.

Levi 2 1/2

Greg and I have been faced with several spiritual challenges this year as well. We've learned lessons we never knew we needed on grace, forgiveness, boundaries, facing the tough stuff and loving through it all. I don't know what we're going to do with any of it yet, but I know when the time is right God will show us.

Love and God's Peace, Greg, Rachel and children

“Truly He taught us to love one another; His law is love and His gospel is peace.

Chains shall He break for the slave is our brother; And in His name all oppression shall cease.

Sweet hymns of joy in grateful chorus raise we, Let all within us praise His holy name.”

(O Holy Night, Adolphe Adam, 1847)



At the totem pole at our park in Kalama

A year of introspection...

It's been an interesting year.  I'm not even sure where to start, but will just start back at the beginning.  I received a book called Gracelaced around my birthday last year, and slowly delved into it.  It was a long journey of learning to understand grace at another level.  It challenged me to be still with being still, and to rest in what God has done for me.  I know all this stuff in my head, but applying it is more challenging.  I always want to be serving, fulfilling, doing and not just being.  While I'd like to think that my faith isn't based on what I do, somehow I think I should be always doing more than I am.  I go to bed every night feeling like a failure because I don't do as many things as I think I should.  So, this book made me delve into my own heart and examine the 'why' I do what I do.  I don't see my self as a perfectionist or over-achiever, but still put a lot of stock into how much production happens in a day.  This book challenged those thoughts and evaluated my intentions thoroughly, in a good way.

After that book was finished, I had the whole Above Rubies retreat to deal with, which I've already blogged about.  That threw all my ideas for a loop again.  This persuaded me to do more, be more, expect more and that it all depends on my performance.  Oh, dear.  The opposite of where I just came from.  The summer came and went as I pondered these thoughts, as well as walking alongside friends who had various struggles as well, which made me dig back in time in my own childhood and see why I have a lot of the thoughts and ideas that I do, the good and the bad.  It dug up our marriage to the core as we examined where we stand as a couple.  It made Greg and I face our own selves and behaviors and habits, our strengths and our weaknesses.  Where we thrive and where we struggle.  Lots of deep stuff.  Thankfully we now have a teenager (who enjoys babysitting), so we've been able to go for coffee in Kalama every Saturday night and talk some of these hard things through.  

All this talking has exposed a few things.  Vulnerability.  Ouch.  That one hurts.  I definitely struggle with that.  So, I've had to go back and figure out why.  Shame.  Deep down shame from long, long ago in childhood (for me this was mostly my schoolteachers, but for some it can be divorce, abuse, neglect, etc).  Shame is the feeling that "I (as a person) am bad".  Different from guilt which is "I did something bad".  Had to dig into that one too and find the source.  Fear.  Many fears that are creeping into my own marriage and even more into my parenting that I wanted to expose and heal from.  I realized that most of my negative self-worth is from schoolteachers and classmates continually reinforcing the unwritten rules that grades, athletic ability, beauty and popularity are the traits that were worth something.  If you didn't have those, you were worthless (me!).  Whether that was said, or just implied, it didn't matter.  I've learned that my school years did not define my life though.  I've had an entirely enjoyable life without worrying about being the smartest, cutest, fastest or being the life of the party.  My parents didn't ascribe to this mentality, and always reaffirmed my worth, but school everyday dismissed it again and again.

Through this all, I decided it was time to seek help for proceeding with some of my findings, since I was having trouble sorting them out on my own.  When I first went to the counselor, and told her what was going on, she just said, "I don't think you've forgiven yourself for all of those things that are still hurting you from childhood."  Wow!  That's exactly what it was.  I had forgiven all those people who had hurt me, but I hadn't forgiven myself.  Many of the hurtful things were true, which was why I felt like such a failure.  When random people bully us or treat us badly; it's often due to their own insecurities and we can brush them off easier than if the bully is in our family or is a trusted one.  It often hurts more because when people who are close to us hurt us, it's because they know our weaknesses and hit us where it hurts much easier.  

Through this next journey, I've been working through these books.  The counselor recommended a book called Parables for a Wounded Heart which has been very healing and eye-opening.  The one quote that was really worth sharing was "children are excellent recorders of events, but poor interpreters of them" (due to our lack of maturity at the ages when the hurts happened).  This book has you dig deep into your childhood to figure out why you react to situations the way you do, why your self-talk is negative or self-critical, and why your relationships with others may struggle due to your past.  We all have hurts from the past, so understanding how to move forward in a positive direction is crucial to healing from them in a healthy way and have healthy relationships with those we love.

 From the Amazon synopsis~

"Do you tend to be self-critical or negative about yourself? Did you experience painful childhood events that wounded your self-esteem? When children experience criticism, rejection, trauma or abuse, they usually perceive that they are to blame. Such painful events can alter their identity, not who they are, but who they believe that they are. A self-esteem wound, or wound of the heart, is formed. A self-esteem wound is a hurt or a series of hurts that affects your core being, sense of self or self-concept. "Parables for a Wounded Heart" is a breakthrough guide to help you heal your self-esteem wounds."

After my first appointment, I spent some time thinking about what I learned.  I went to the Goodwill to wander and I came across the book The Gift of Forgiveness which I've been working through as well.  Although I feel like I have a pretty good handle on forgiveness due to Christ's influence in my life and Biblical examples and commands, I wasn't quite sure how to forgive myself.  The one thing I learned is that if we can think back on our childhood hurts with compassion rather than fear/disdain/judgement, then we have healed and forgiven our selves and others.   This in turn helps us feel free to talk about those hurts freely with people we trust.

Eph. 4:29-32 Let no corrupt communication proceed out of your mouth, but that which is good to the use of edifying, that it may minister grace unto the hearers. And grieve not the holy Spirit of God, whereby ye are sealed unto the day of redemption.  Let all bitterness, and wrath, and anger, and clamour, and evil speaking, be put away from you, with all malice:  And be ye kind one to another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God for Christ's sake hath forgiven you.

This fall we were also introduced to The Pineapple Story by Otto Koning.  This threw our perspective for another loop in such a good way.  Our family listened to these cds all fall on our way to and from church, and then spent the week mulling over how we could apply the thoughts to our lives, in the way that God wants specifically for our family.  So encouraging, so uplifting, so real, so convicting.  I've been encouraging many other people to listen to them as well.  On the link above, you can listen online for free.  The titles give some idea to the topics "God Enjoys the Impossible", "The Weapon of Rejoicing", "The Weapon of Love" etc.

Another book that also has been helpful is The Gifts of Imperfection: Let Go of Who You Think You are Supposed to Be and Embrace Who You Are. 

This book was also really good.  She delves into the common mis-perception that perfectionism will lead to happiness.  (and clarifies the difference between perfectionism and striving for excellence)  She talks about her own journey in becoming more authentic, more vulnerable, more free and more wholesome.  Her goal in the book, and for herself was to be "wholehearted".  How to let go of others expectations of us, how to embrace our own tenderness, how to fully embrace joy, and how to give our children the real deal parents (we can't give them what we don't have ourselves), but most of all how to love ourselves.  For her (and most of us), these needs for change happen at midlife (read her candid article here).  We're burned out by living life by other peoples standards, and also don't like the results of our own efforts coming to fruition.  She helps go through the process of owning our own story and how to offer the important gifts of courage, compassion and connection with those we love (instead of dreading every minute with them because relationships are much harder to tend to than to-do lists).

A few things she mentions in the book~  Do we shield ourselves from our own or someone else's pain with compassion?  Or do we shut down or go into fix-it mode?  Only when we own our own darkness and hard things, can we offer compassion equally.  Otherwise we tend to respond with judgement not compassion and healing.  The same applies with giving/receiving help.  If we can give help, but are not willing to receive any help, we attach judgement to both as well.  It's only when we can give and receive it freely that we are equal with others.  Do we attach some sort of self-worth with never receiving help, but always offering it?  To build true connection with others, the flow must go both ways equally.  (Ouch, those were hard!)

The next chapter is on love and belonging.  The only difference between those who feel a deep sense of love and belonging with those who struggle for it, was the belief that they were worthy of it.  Do we feel worthy of unconditional love, or do we feel we have to earn it by performing, perfecting, pleasing or proving?  Worthiness doesn't come with prerequisites.  Unconditional love doesn't either.  (Jesus loving us is the prime example of this).  Love and belonging will always be uncertain, meaning we can't measure them, yet we all long for them.  

“To begin by always thinking of love as an action rather than a feeling is one way in which anyone using the word in this manner automatically assumes accountability and responsibility. We are often taught we have no control over our "feelings." Yet most of us accept that we choose our actions, that intention and will inform what we do. We also accept that our actions have consequences. ” 

~Bell Hooks

The next chapter is about the things that get in the way of living wholeheartedly.  Namely, shame, fear and vulnerability.  If we don't talk about these things freely, we won't ever be able to love and belong freely.  We have all the how-to books and programs out there, yet in America we are the most addicted, medicated, obese, over-spending nation in the world.  Why?  Because we try to numb out the hard stuff and just want the good stuff.  The less we talk about the hard stuff, the more control it has over us.  Shame has the painful ability to make us feel we are flawed and therefore unworthy of love and belonging.  We all feel shame in some way or at some times in our lives, but what we do with that shame destines what happens to us.  

Authenticity is another one we need to embrace for wholeheartedness.  This is the courage to be imperfect, to set boundaries and also to let ourselves be vulnerable.  It's exercising compassion from knowing our strengths and struggles, and nurturing the connection and sense of belonging that comes from believing we are enough.  It demands wholehearted living and loving, when it's really hard and when it's intensely joyful as well.  We also must ask ourselves what we do to numb our authenticity.  Do we keep too busy, save the world too much, read too many escape novels, drink or smoke too much, or anything else that hides us from just being still and vulnerable with those we love?  Can we be uncomfortably honest with ourselves?  When we ignore the discomfort with dealing with the hard things, we also lose our ability to feel true joy.  We all have habits that numb our pains, but we also numb our joy by using these habits.

Laughter, song and dance.  This one irked me.  Although I fully believe in them, I still struggle.  I rarely laugh, I do sing but not as often as I wish I did, and I never dance.  Never.  She talks of how doing these things is great for building spiritual and emotional connection with our loved ones, and I know this is true.  We grew up in a church culture of "dancing is bad", so knowing how to address this one, I'm unsure of as of yet.  In the book she talks of dancing in the kitchen to feel-good songs with your husband and kids, so I'm going to start there.  I'll need to dig up some old feel-good tunes to help me in this area.  She says how our lives should have a sound track of songs that bring meaning, hope, memories and healing for us.  I agree. "Ain't it funny how a melody, can bring back a memory?"  Although I do play music every day, I'm going to focus on singing along more often and laughing with my family more as well.  There's that fear of vulnerability and letting go stuff again.  I. hate. it.  But, oh well.  I'll keep working on it.

Here's Brene Brown's TED talk on vulnerability that's been helpful too.

And there's where it's at right now.  Still lots of work to do.  Still lots of learning as well.  I'm up for the challenge, hard as it may be!

This was my devotion a bit ago, from Daily Light on the Daily Path~

15 years

It's been 15 years since we said, "I do!"  And we've learned so much along the way.  Some good, some bad, some still just learning.

Back when we first got married, we were given the advice by a dear almost 90 year old friend.  He's now 101, and still as sharp as ever.  We used to drive him to Bible Study each week, since he lived close to us.  His wife had recently died, and he opened up to us about their life together.  They had been through the Depression when their farm was taken over by the government because they couldn't make the payments, and when they had to earn it back.  They had raised 9 children in those hard times of having nothing.  In yet, in spite of it all, he said that they had never had a fight.  I was bewildered.  I'd never heard of such a thing.  The common saying is, "every couple fights" but it had always set wrong with me.  When I questioned him how they accomplished this, he just quietly said, "I guess there just wasn't anything big enough that was worth hurting the one you love the most!"  Wow! So simple, yet so profound.  Greg and I prayerfully and intentionally took on the challenge to be like them.  Married 62 years without resorting to scrapping with each other. Is it easy? No.  Is it humbling?  Yes.  Is it worth it?  Yes.  Does it require keeping our mouth shut when we don't want to? Yes.

Around the same time, we heard a quote from Ravi Zacharias on the radio, "There's never a good enough reason to be unkind.  You can be tough, you can be firm, but always be kind."  Armed with those pieces of advice and God's Word (grace, mercy, forgiveness, empathy, seeking the other's well-being over our own, etc) we've made it thus far.  To go along with that, a lady recently told me the saying, "if you have the choice of being right or being kind, always choose to be kind."  It's our sinful nature that wants to be right (guilty!), but it's Jesus in us that offers kindness in adversity.

One thing that has also kept our marriage strong is having a vision and also remembering.  We talk frequently about what we want from our life together, our goals and priorities.  If they never happen, that's okay too.  Some dreams die before they ever come to fruition and that's okay.  Sometimes God changes our circumstances or hearts in different directions than we knew to ask or pray about.  Also  remembering often where God has brought us from is important.  How He's led us through the deep waters, how He brought us together in the first place (none of our doing!), and how He is our Rock and our Fortress.  How He cares about the big details of our life, but also the teeny, tiny ones too.  It's all good!

We try to infuse some humor in our days, laugh often when we want to cry, and "put the best construction" on each other instead of pointing out faults or shortcomings.  We forgive often.  We humbly ask forgiveness often too.  We try to take constructive criticism, even when our pride doesn't like to hear it.  Our spouse really does know us best because they have to live with us each day, so even when the truth hurts, they are often right.  I know I get my back up when I'm told I'm in the wrong, but then I humbly realize he's telling me these things because he wants the best for me.  And I come around.  It's all good!

We've both struggled with depression at numerous times in our marriage, which can make things rough.  In these times, we've learned to wipe the calendar clean of expectations and just stay home to build our strength.  There's been times where our lawn didn't get mowed for 6 weeks, where dishes sat in the sink for days, where we both were laying on a separate couch most waking times without even anything to say to each other.  We didn't have anything to say to each other, or even the energy to say it if we did.  Just existing.  But, God is faithful even when we have had nothing to offer.  He's given us hope in those dark times, and His grace has been sufficient day by day.  His strength is made perfect in our weakness.  And we've both definitively been very weak, many times.  I'm thankful for those hard times, difficult as they were.  And I'm sure they'll come again in some form or another.  It's all good!

We've learned to keep our expectations of ourselves and others low.  We've had to cancel plans countless times.   We've been interrupted countless times.  We don't get our hopes up about much anymore.  If something works out, it's fine; but if not, that's fine too.  We don't sweat the small stuff anymore, because we don't have the energy to.  And most of it is small stuff.  We don't micromanage our kids or each other because we don't have the energy either.  And it's all good!

One of our favorite sayings to each lately is, "it's all good!"  It can mean several different things, but the way we say it, it means, "I'm not going to get all worked up about it, it'll be fine however it works out."  Our marriage, our messiness, our failures, our dashed dreams, our life...it's all good!

Your cod liver oil is so pure and so strong...

For the past 3 (now going on 4) winters, I've been dosing our family with cod liver oil.  I first started using it to heal some cavities in the kids' teeth, but then the more I read about it, realized it is great for vision and also for immunity.  The results from this one addition to our days has been very noticeable.  I don't want to knock on wood, as we'll probably get sick as soon as I post this (which is why I've hesitated thus far in writing a blog about it), but we've been so much healthier since we started it.  Sometimes the kids will be getting a cold, and then the cold disappears within a few hours.  That has never happened before we started the oils.  It just makes their mucus membranes stronger so they can fight the germs so much faster.  (2 kids also don't need glasses anymore as well)

I've tried several brands over the years, but the brand I've stuck with the past 4 is Green Pastures.  It has not only cod liver oil in it, but butter oil also, which is the combination you want to heal cavities.  If you read Dr. Weston Price's book Nutrition and Physical Degeneration, he explains why these work together so good for dental health.  (summary here)  It's a beast of a book, for sure!

So what makes cod liver oil so good for you?  It's the good oils (EPA and DHA) along with vitamins A & D that are the gems.  Dr. Price found that all the cultures he visited had around 10X more of those than our modern diets have.  Modern as in the 1920s and 30s, and we are at much worse levels now. 

I started buying Green Pastures Complete Oil Blend, which contains the fermented cod liver oil and butter oil, as well as flavoring and coconut oil for taste.  Their oil tastes awful, I won't deny, and to get kids to take it, it needs to be palatable.  This blend is quite good, but they were out of stock of it for a while, so I decided to blend up my own.  Here's my "recipe":

Blended Cod Liver Oil Blend

1 jar of Green Pastures cod liver oil/butter oil blend (chocolate cream)

1 c. Barleans fish oil (whatever flavor you like)

2 c. virgin coconut oil

other good cold pressed oils like flax, avocado, evening primrose, etc.

Blend them all up in the blender, and add more sweetener (xylitol or stevia) if needed.  Can also leave out the fish oil and just do more coconut oil (you want 4 c. total oil).  We've needed more fish oils these days for gut healing (and the Barlean's oils taste wonderful), so the flavor added makes it all taste yummier.  We've also added just a few drops of peppermint extract to the plain chocolate and it tastes good too.  Store in fridge, and give everyone 1 t. -1 T. each day.

Cod Liver Oil Brands and Recommendations

This is a Newfoundland folk song written around the 1930s/40s that we learned to sing in elementary school.  If you want to get "stout and strong", then give it a listen.

Cod Liver Oil - Great Big Sea

Lyrics:

I'm a young married man and I'm tired of life

Ten years I've been wed to a pale sickly wife,

She's nothing to do only sit there and cry
Praying and praying to God she would die.
He afterwards told me that she would get strong

If I get a bottle from dear Dr John.

A friend of my own came to see me one day
He told me my wife she was pining away Oh doctor, oh doctor, oh dear Dr John
Your cod liver oil is so pure and so strong

I bought her a bottle, well just for to try

And the way that she drank it you'd think she might die

I'm afraid of my life, I'll go down in the soil
If me wife don't stop drinking your cod liver oil. I bought her another, it vanished the same
And then she got cod liver oil on the brain.

I'm afraid of my life, I'll go down in the soil

If me wife don't stop drinking your cod liver oil.

I bought her another, she drank it no doubt,
And then she began to get terrible stout, And when she got stout well of course she got strong
And I became jealous of dear Dr John. Oh doctor, oh doctor, oh dear Dr John
Your cod liver oil is so pure and so strong

I'm afraid of my life, I'll go down in the soil

If me wife don't stop drinking

Me house it resembles a great doctor's shop
Its covered in bottles from bottom to top Well early the morning the kettle does boil
You would swear it was singing of cod liver oil. Oh doctor, oh doctor, oh dear Dr John
Your cod liver oil is so pure and so strong Oh doctor, oh doctor, oh dear Dr John
Your cod liver oil is so pure and so strong

I'm afraid of my life, I'll go down in the soil

If me wife don't stop drinking your cod liver oil.

The Hardest Peace - book review

Since this spring when I was thrown through the throes of some spiritual searching (always painful, but always a good thing!),  I feel like God has just given me many resources to reaffirm the things He showed me then.  Over and over I'm seeing these themes- (1) that we're only here for a short while and heaven is our home, (2) our material lives are but a vapor and it's our souls that matter, and (3) that often it takes hard times to see what's really important in our lives.

When I was telling Greg about one of the books I was reading, he said, "you sure like books that cut you down to nothing, don't you?!"  Umm, yes...I guess I do.  They burn away the dross so only the gold is left.  A constant refining process.  One of the things that has come to me while pondering some of these ideas, is that I know that it's through the hard times in my life that God has held me the closest and carried me through them.  I can think of 4 different times in my life where I've been brought straight down to nothing, with nothing left to offer.  I had to fully rely on God, and His grace was sufficient, even more than enough.  It was a good place.  But, we don't stay there.  Grief heals, strength returns and life goes on in this world.  But I want to keep that closeness to God.  So, I am constantly searching for more refining, for Him to strip away my image, my pride, my accomplishments and whatever other things I may try to take credit for.  It's all Him.  

This book is called The Hardest Peace, expecting grace in the midst of life's hard by Kara Tippetts.  Many of you may have followed Kara's blog before she passed away in March 2015 called Mundane Faithfulness.  I followed her beautiful writing there, but had never read any of her books.  This one was sitting on the shelf at the library the other day, so I nabbed it.  (She has 2 more books too, that I'd now like to read).

 Yep, it's the real deal.  Even the first page she tells about the same things that a lot of us struggle with.  How we want Jesus to take the credit for everything in our life, in yet we manufacture our own faith by our goings, doings, and own efforts and tallying.   How we would like to think that it's our faith that leads our practices, yet often it's our own flesh and pride that does.  If we were stripped of all our abilities (as she was with cancer), where would our faith lie then?  Would our faith still be true?  Or would we feel betrayed somehow?  Have we ever come to the bottom of ourselves and found only grace?  Or do we keep striving for something of ourselves to offer?  Even the Prodigal's son story tells how "he came to himself" (Luke 15:17), that's when he received back the blessings of his father.  When he came to the end of himself and could only rely on others.  Isn't that where we all need to be?  Want to be?

She goes on to tell how inside of each of us is a "cage of rats".  Our weaknesses and shortcomings.  How we all know these rats well, living inside of us all our lives.  Our unkindness, our sin struggles, our personality quirks, and even the hardness of our hearts.  How we try to hide them from ourselves and those we love, in fear that if they are exposed, our families and friends won't love us as much.  Yet, Christ loves us rats and all.  We trust Him, so why not trust our loved ones?  God loves us, warts and everything, and the more we expose and work on the rats in our hearts/lives, the clearer we can see how Jesus loves us unconditionally.  Will we always have these rats?  Of course.  But, we can always work through them, and expose our vulnerability to experience greater love.  We all want to be forgiven for our sins and failures, so recognizing our own shortcomings helps us to forgive our loved ones of their shortcomings too.  And true love is unconditional, rats and all.  Learning to trust can be a long, slow painful process though.  She tells how marriage often exposes how selfish our hearts really are.  We can't hide nothin'!

She talks about how cancer brought her and her husband to a place where petty annoyances faded away and they just focused on loving each other well.  How to turn irritations into places of learning to share love and kindness instead.  Winning at marriage isn't being safe and happy together and fulfilling your dreams; instead it's withholding nothing in it, just as we withhold nothing from God and He from us.  

Kara explains how marriage in this life is an illustration of our marriage to Jesus.  It's a reminder, a shadow of heaven yet to come.  It is based on love, on grace, and on the goodness of God.  It is a place of freedom to experience God's goodness, forgiveness, mercy and grace, to give it and receive it.  In yet it always is pointing us to heaven and that the best is yet to come.  It's living in the now and in the future all at the same time.

Do we honestly believe we have some control over our life, or do we trust that God has all sovereignty and control and follow His leading?  That's where grace comes in.  When there are so many capable people in this world, there's not much need for God to be in control, is there?  Your weakness can be the greatest story of your life.  Our relinquishing of perceived control, will lead to the greatest understanding of grace we'll ever learn.  Although no one ever wants to hear cancer or death, we can receive them joyfully when we understand that life has a greater purpose than our own.  It's to glorify our Savior, who died willingly on the cross to save us from our sins.  Wouldn't we want Him to get the glory?  And not us?  She talks about how cancer is actually a gift, which gives the beautiful gift of perspective.  It's the gift no one wants, yet it's the one that strips away all the surface-y stuff that you may be focused on, and turns your eyes again and again towards heaven.  It helps you appreciate each and every person in your life, instead of criticizing them and taking them for granted.  It helps you overlook all their faults and failures and helps you appreciate every moment you have with them.  How our own brokenness is our greatest gift in this world.  Have the gifts we've been given become idols in any way?  Are our children aware of our true hearts, or have we hidden it from them in fear of being exposed?  Do we live life vulnerably and recklessly, inviting others into the true messiness of our hearts and lives, or do we keep a facade well hidden so no one sees our true selves?

Do we trust that God is always good?  Even in heartbreak, in death, in fire, in storm?  Do we trust that God is always refining us into the image of His Son?  Are we willing to be broken, so that God may be glorified?  To each of us, this happens in different ways.  Can we see the goodness in the hard times?  Can we believe, when things don't turn out the way we want or expect them to?  Are we willing to let go of our expectations and "what should be" and be present in where we are?  How do we let go of disappointments and devastation in our life and embrace what is?  How do we recognize the beauty in what is, and not what might have been?  How we believe grace and forgiveness so we can gain freedom from the endless expectations we have upon ourselves and others?  Whew.  Lots of hard questions she asks!

From Hinds Feet In High Places, which she quotes several times

Some more hard ones-  What masks have you worn that have been peeled off during hard times and suffering?  Have you been tempted to put them back on?  Has your family seen you real or do you continue to wear the masks?  Have you been able to see your story in the light of a bigger and greater story of redemption?  How did this impact your day to day?  Do you trust God with your disappointments or grief with what "might have been"?

Hinds Feet In High Places

Habakkuk 3:19(KJV) The Lord God is my strength, and he will make my feet like hinds' feet, and he will make me to walk upon mine high places.

She quotes Hinds Feet In High Places by Hannah Hurnard several times through the book.  I'll be looking for this book next time at the library.  So much good stuff in it too, it seems.

Get thee to a pool. Stat!

The beginning of this school year did not start well.  Getting the kids back on track from the summer left me discouraged, disgruntled and frankly, rather hopeless.  The teacher's strike here didn't help either.  I had to hear how awesome these teachers are, how patient and kind, how endlessly wonderful in every way.  Yada, yada, yada.  How come I couldn't even teach my own 4 children (2 not in school yet)?  Was I that much of a failure?  I sure felt like one.  The needs seemed overwhelming, the resources seemed rather lacking.

But, I got the golden ticket.  I went swimming.  Actually, my husband said, "I think you need to go swimming."  When he says that, I obey!  It had been over a year since I'd been swimming laps, and the lacks (or laps!) were showing.  In actuality, I have only been swimming a handful of times since I became a mother, due to all the stresses that come along with babies and logistics.  But, when I do, that same spark comes back in me.  I come alive.  I feel hopeful.  I feel refreshed.

Back in my single days, I swam pretty much every day.  As you all probably know, I worked at 4 different pools over 8 years, which gave me plenty of free swimming.  One time, I was in a really grouchy mood and my sister Amy told me, "you probably need a swim."  I denied it and went on with my grouching.  Finally she said, "I'm driving you to the pool and you'll go take a swim."  I reluctantly went, and when she came to pick me up, I was singing a chipper, rather cheesy song (no word of a lie), "Beautiful Sunday" (Cristy Lane, remember her?)  Yeah.  It worked.  It still works.  After my swim last week, it's been good days all week.  The circumstances haven't changed, but my attitude did.  

So, last night I went swimming laps once again.  About halfway through, I was feeling almost bulletproof.  You know those bumper stickers that say, "No Bad Days"?  I actually considered getting one.  For reals.  I typically hate those stickers.  I have far too many bad days, even when I try not to.  That's what swimming will do to my brain.  I'll take it!!

 So, if you're struggling in your attitude, your perspective, your forgiveness, your self-worth...get thee to a pool and go for a swim.  Or just go walk in some water.  Or if you're near enough, come and join me.

This whole purity thing

As our oldest is now a teenager, I've been pondering how to teach him about God's plan for attraction and marriage.  How to teach discernment in this area for a one-day healthy marriage, preferably without guilt or regret or a bad marriage partner for any of our children. 

When I look back on my own life, I can't really remember what my parents taught us, but I feel like it served us well.  I don't remember my mom telling us anything specific (although she did talk to us openly about it all through the years), but I do remember my dad telling me how my value was in Christ and to always keep that at the forefront.  Not any "rules", just grace and lots of discussion.

As usual, I perused our library for books about the subject, and came across two that address the issue from different angles.  I know there is far more information out there, but after reading an article online about the damages of the "Purity Culture", it got me to wondering about what it actually teaches.  I read "I Kissed Dating Goodbye" back in the day.  But I don't feel it influenced me in the way it might have if I had been younger (a teen).  I was 22 when it came out, and I don't recall whether I read it then or a few years later.  What it did do was give me the confidence to remain happily single either for life or until I met someone suitable for marriage (that actually might want to marry me).  I didn't feel so pressured to be married, although there was a whole 'nother culture telling me I needed to be married and having multiple babies or I wasn't being a good enough Christian.  Darned if I did, darned if I didn't.  But, God gave me peace during those years.  Steeped in either culture wasn't where He wanted me.  He wanted me faithful in what He put in front of me each day.  (Psalm 16:5 The Lord is the portion of mine inheritance and of my cup: thou maintainest my lot.)  My job, my family, my roommates.  Learning lots grace and mercy, more and more each day.  I tell people now that the best thing for my marriage was dealing with all the various (18) roommates and various (18) jobs I had before I was married.  Lots of dying to self, forgiving and being flexible needed during those years.  I can't even count the amount of co-workers, patients and clients/customers I dealt with either.  And trust me, none of my ER patients were happy to be in my care.  They were mostly very fearful, in severe pain, or sick and weak or lonely too.  Dealing with them took lots of grace and mercy!

The problem with any books or rules, is that we can substitute them for Biblical discernment, which is really what we need to teach our children.  When we know our value in Christ, and we treat others with that same respect, we don't really need all these rules.   Rules are made out of fear.  Guidelines are typically made out of personal experience (for good and for bad).  

The first book was called "The Scarlet Virgins" (when sex replaces salvation).  This was written by a woman who was taught the purity culture, and now recognizes the flaws in the teachings although the inherent motive was good initially.  The intent was to keep their children "pure" until marriage, but true purity comes from Christ shedding His blood for us, not from keeping a list of rules.  The purity culture damages both men's and women's self-image, because it focuses on do's and don'ts rather than on focusing on Christ's redeeming work in our hearts.  If we follow a set of rules, then why do we even need the Holy Spirit?  The purity culture would tell people that God's forgiveness isn't enough for sexual sin, just the other sins.  Sexual sin will ruin your life.  Avoiding it premaritally will guarantee a successful marriage.  Both lies based on fear.  The words "tainted goods" or "used up" are commonly used to describe "going too far" (physically).  In this book she talks of how Christian women are supposed to go from "virgin to vixen" overnight (the wedding night, of course).  The purity culture teaches this in a disturbed way that makes people feel like once they aren't virgins anymore, then their value is diminished, even though God ordained marriage and all that goes along with it.  She also talks about how in this culture, people often feel obligated to marry the first person they date/court, or else they are won't be pure (even in thought, not necessarily even in deed) for their spouse.

"And yet at its core, purity culture presumes that giving and receiving love breaks you instead of builds you.  It uses fear to mask our bodies and needs, and there are generations of women and men walking around crippled in America because of it."
(I Kissed Dating Goodbye and I still have a stain on my heart)

"This culture tells women that their bodies aren't really theirs; bodies are only bargaining chips, which can be devalued like a new car driven off the lot.  Women aren't inherently valuable, the thinking goes, except so long as we have untouched vaginas to give our husbands (because our partners are always husbands).  Virginity trumps intelligence, humor and compassion.  The notion that both partners might benefit from having dated around, experimented, and figured out what they enjoy and want from a healthy relationship?  It doesn't even register."
(Purity Culture shames survivors of sexual assault)

"I wonder if this purity culture has taken over because most of us are scared to contradict it.  It's the purity movement that we see on shows like The Duggars and so much Christian media.  And if we dare to say, "I don't mind if my adult kids hang out at each other's homes unchaperoned" or "I kissed my husband before our wedding and I'm glad I did!" or "I don't think wearing fashionable jeans is a sin!", we feel like we're somehow LESS Christian, because those with firmer rules always look more Christian."
(10 Things That Scare Me About the Purity Culture)

Now to the other side of things~

The damages of sexual sin and the bombardment of the whole worldly culture of Hollywood and the media on a single Christian woman (or man).  This is what the purity culture is trying to avoid, but the pendulum has swung too far the other way in many cases.  This book is called "Sex and the Single Christian Girl".  She talks about how Christ redeems that which is broken, and makes all things beautiful in His time when we follow His will.  

This summary on Amazon is pretty accurate.

"     "True love waits"--but what exactly are you waiting for? After all, we're constantly bombarded with Hollywood's idea of romance--that sex is no big deal, that everyone is doing it, that it's the only path to a happy ending. Maybe you've even begun to wonder, What am I missing? Is the wait really worth it? 

        Marian Jordan Ellis has been there. She knows the pitfalls of giving in to temptation--but also the blessings of God's best found in waiting after she committed herself to Christ and to sexual purity. Now, from one Christian woman to another, she hopes to spare you from the heartache of sexual sin and instead point you toward God's best. Marian offers lots of practical advice, backed by biblical truth, to equip you with the tools to overcome past mistakes and future temptations.

     You are cherished. Whether you are happily single, casually dating, or have found "the one," your purity is worth fighting for.

     "Marian Jordan Ellis befriends all women in their quest to honor God with their bodies, calling them to settle for no less than being cherished, rousing them to live a courageous lifestyle, and pointing them to dependence on the Holy Spirit instead of reliance on self."--Gary Thomas, author of Sacred Marriage and The Sacred Search"

She talks about how purity is a state of heart, not a state of virginity or not.  How instead of focusing on keeping ourselves "pure" for our future husbands, we should be keeping them pure to offer our bodies (and minds and hearts) to Christ to bring glory to His name (not our own pride or perfectness).

Philippians 3:7-12(KJV)

7 But what things were gain to me, those I counted loss for Christ.

8 Yea doubtless, and I count all things but loss for the excellency of the knowledge of Christ Jesus my Lord: for whom I have suffered the loss of all things, and do count them but dung, that I may win Christ,

9 And be found in him, not having mine own righteousness, which is of the law, but that which is through the faith of Christ, the righteousness which is of God by faith:

10 That I may know him, and the power of his resurrection, and the fellowship of his sufferings, being made conformable unto his death;

11 If by any means I might attain unto the resurrection of the dead.

12 Not as though I had already attained, either were already perfect: but I follow after, if that I may apprehend that for which also I am apprehended of Christ Jesus.

She talks also about having many rules of "purity".  Yet rules without vision can often be broken or bent (or if kept, lead to human pride, which is just as sinful and damaging).  A vision asks "why".  A vision carries us much farther and with much less damage than rules do.  It puts grace and mercy into the mix, and allows Christ to work in our hearts, not just self will.

She calls the world we live in a "rom-com" world.  (rom-com=romantic comedies)  One in which the ideal man is portrayed in romantic comedies (and I'll add most romance Christian novels).  He's the man who is sensitive, verbose, and of course drop-dead gorgeous. He does all the right things, and never has to ask his lady what she wants, because he just knows.  He has lots of money and material goods, but rarely has to work (or if he does, he still has the time to bring roses, pack a picnic, cook dinner and all those other romantic things).  Watching these movies (on girls night of course!) or reading these books may escape us from our daily life for hours at a time, and only leads us to disappointment in our real life because none of the men in our life (single or dating or married) can live up to these fantasies.  We begin to look down on the real honest-to-goodness men in our lives, hoping for this fantasy to become reality.  Unfortunately, real life is full of sinners.  You and me.  Relationships are hard.  Communication is hard.  Being real with our loved ones is hard, not easy (as is portrayed in books and movies).  It's being vulnerable.  It's acknowledging and telling your sins and struggles and weaknesses to your loved ones.  And it's messy.  Real, real messy.  And then it's glorious. 

(If you want to read more on Marian's blog it is called Redeemed Girl Ministries)

My friend Jess Connell says in her blog "Christian Wife, Let Your Husbands Be" in terms of unrealistic expectations of our men~

I’m talking about wives with normal human husbands who sometimes sin, sometimes hurt their feelings, sometimes do things they don’t like, are sometimes a little too passive or a little too gruff, and are sometimes disagreeable or frustrating.

Sometimes I want to take young and old wives alike, grab em by the neck and say,

“Discontented woman, stop griping. Stop attacking him and tearing him down! Stop correcting him in front of other people. Stop telling everyone all his faults. He’s carrying the weight of the world on his shoulders each day. Celebrate him!

BE THANKFUL FOR THE MAN YOU HAVE.”

Because many women who gripe the loudest actually have this sort of husband:

• He is faithful.
• He is hard-working.
• He serves, in his own way.
• He smiles at you when you smile at him.
• He carries the weight of your family on his shoulders.
• He wakes up each morning and goes to work.

He IS NOT PERFECT… no man is… but by golly, what does it say about us when we can’t we be thankful for what we have?

Either extreme of teaching leads to heartache and disappointment, hey?!  The only answer is to search the Bible ourselves instead of listening to various interpretations of doctrine, listen to the Holy Spirit and trust your own and your child's discernment.  Repent of sinfulness or pride (flip sides of the same coin)  And just trust...that's a hard thing too isn't it?!