As our oldest is now a teenager, I've been pondering how to teach him about God's plan for attraction and marriage. How to teach discernment in this area for a one-day healthy marriage, preferably without guilt or regret or a bad marriage partner for any of our children.
When I look back on my own life, I can't really remember what my parents taught us, but I feel like it served us well. I don't remember my mom telling us anything specific (although she did talk to us openly about it all through the years), but I do remember my dad telling me how my value was in Christ and to always keep that at the forefront. Not any "rules", just grace and lots of discussion.
As usual, I perused our library for books about the subject, and came across two that address the issue from different angles. I know there is far more information out there, but after reading an article online about the damages of the "Purity Culture", it got me to wondering about what it actually teaches. I read "I Kissed Dating Goodbye" back in the day. But I don't feel it influenced me in the way it might have if I had been younger (a teen). I was 22 when it came out, and I don't recall whether I read it then or a few years later. What it did do was give me the confidence to remain happily single either for life or until I met someone suitable for marriage (that actually might want to marry me). I didn't feel so pressured to be married, although there was a whole 'nother culture telling me I needed to be married and having multiple babies or I wasn't being a good enough Christian. Darned if I did, darned if I didn't. But, God gave me peace during those years. Steeped in either culture wasn't where He wanted me. He wanted me faithful in what He put in front of me each day. (Psalm 16:5 The Lord is the portion of mine inheritance and of my cup: thou maintainest my lot.) My job, my family, my roommates. Learning lots grace and mercy, more and more each day. I tell people now that the best thing for my marriage was dealing with all the various (18) roommates and various (18) jobs I had before I was married. Lots of dying to self, forgiving and being flexible needed during those years. I can't even count the amount of co-workers, patients and clients/customers I dealt with either. And trust me, none of my ER patients were happy to be in my care. They were mostly very fearful, in severe pain, or sick and weak or lonely too. Dealing with them took lots of grace and mercy!
The problem with any books or rules, is that we can substitute them for Biblical discernment, which is really what we need to teach our children. When we know our value in Christ, and we treat others with that same respect, we don't really need all these rules. Rules are made out of fear. Guidelines are typically made out of personal experience (for good and for bad).
The first book was called "The Scarlet Virgins" (when sex replaces salvation). This was written by a woman who was taught the purity culture, and now recognizes the flaws in the teachings although the inherent motive was good initially. The intent was to keep their children "pure" until marriage, but true purity comes from Christ shedding His blood for us, not from keeping a list of rules. The purity culture damages both men's and women's self-image, because it focuses on do's and don'ts rather than on focusing on Christ's redeeming work in our hearts. If we follow a set of rules, then why do we even need the Holy Spirit? The purity culture would tell people that God's forgiveness isn't enough for sexual sin, just the other sins. Sexual sin will ruin your life. Avoiding it premaritally will guarantee a successful marriage. Both lies based on fear. The words "tainted goods" or "used up" are commonly used to describe "going too far" (physically). In this book she talks of how Christian women are supposed to go from "virgin to vixen" overnight (the wedding night, of course). The purity culture teaches this in a disturbed way that makes people feel like once they aren't virgins anymore, then their value is diminished, even though God ordained marriage and all that goes along with it. She also talks about how in this culture, people often feel obligated to marry the first person they date/court, or else they are won't be pure (even in thought, not necessarily even in deed) for their spouse.
"And yet at its core, purity culture presumes that giving and receiving love breaks you instead of builds you. It uses fear to mask our bodies and needs, and there are generations of women and men walking around crippled in America because of it."
(I Kissed Dating Goodbye and I still have a stain on my heart)
"This culture tells women that their bodies aren't really theirs; bodies are only bargaining chips, which can be devalued like a new car driven off the lot. Women aren't inherently valuable, the thinking goes, except so long as we have untouched vaginas to give our husbands (because our partners are always husbands). Virginity trumps intelligence, humor and compassion. The notion that both partners might benefit from having dated around, experimented, and figured out what they enjoy and want from a healthy relationship? It doesn't even register."
(Purity Culture shames survivors of sexual assault)
"And yet at its core, purity culture presumes that giving and receiving love breaks you instead of builds you. It uses fear to mask our bodies and needs, and there are generations of women and men walking around crippled in America because of it."
(I Kissed Dating Goodbye and I still have a stain on my heart)
"This culture tells women that their bodies aren't really theirs; bodies are only bargaining chips, which can be devalued like a new car driven off the lot. Women aren't inherently valuable, the thinking goes, except so long as we have untouched vaginas to give our husbands (because our partners are always husbands). Virginity trumps intelligence, humor and compassion. The notion that both partners might benefit from having dated around, experimented, and figured out what they enjoy and want from a healthy relationship? It doesn't even register."
(Purity Culture shames survivors of sexual assault)
"I wonder if this purity culture has taken over because most of us are scared to contradict it. It's the purity movement that we see on shows like The Duggars and so much Christian media. And if we dare to say, "I don't mind if my adult kids hang out at each other's homes unchaperoned" or "I kissed my husband before our wedding and I'm glad I did!" or "I don't think wearing fashionable jeans is a sin!", we feel like we're somehow LESS Christian, because those with firmer rules always look more Christian."
(10 Things That Scare Me About the Purity Culture)
(10 Things That Scare Me About the Purity Culture)
Now to the other side of things~
The damages of sexual sin and the bombardment of the whole worldly culture of Hollywood and the media on a single Christian woman (or man). This is what the purity culture is trying to avoid, but the pendulum has swung too far the other way in many cases. This book is called "Sex and the Single Christian Girl". She talks about how Christ redeems that which is broken, and makes all things beautiful in His time when we follow His will.
The damages of sexual sin and the bombardment of the whole worldly culture of Hollywood and the media on a single Christian woman (or man). This is what the purity culture is trying to avoid, but the pendulum has swung too far the other way in many cases. This book is called "Sex and the Single Christian Girl". She talks about how Christ redeems that which is broken, and makes all things beautiful in His time when we follow His will.
This summary on Amazon is pretty accurate.
" "True love waits"--but what exactly are you waiting for? After all, we're constantly bombarded with Hollywood's idea of romance--that sex is no big deal, that everyone is doing it, that it's the only path to a happy ending. Maybe you've even begun to wonder, What am I missing? Is the wait really worth it?
Marian Jordan Ellis has been there. She knows the pitfalls of giving in to temptation--but also the blessings of God's best found in waiting after she committed herself to Christ and to sexual purity. Now, from one Christian woman to another, she hopes to spare you from the heartache of sexual sin and instead point you toward God's best. Marian offers lots of practical advice, backed by biblical truth, to equip you with the tools to overcome past mistakes and future temptations.
You are cherished. Whether you are happily single, casually dating, or have found "the one," your purity is worth fighting for.
"Marian Jordan Ellis befriends all women in their quest to honor God with their bodies, calling them to settle for no less than being cherished, rousing them to live a courageous lifestyle, and pointing them to dependence on the Holy Spirit instead of reliance on self."--Gary Thomas, author of Sacred Marriage and The Sacred Search"
She talks about how purity is a state of heart, not a state of virginity or not. How instead of focusing on keeping ourselves "pure" for our future husbands, we should be keeping them pure to offer our bodies (and minds and hearts) to Christ to bring glory to His name (not our own pride or perfectness).
Philippians 3:7-12(KJV)
7 But what things were gain to me, those I counted loss for Christ.
8 Yea doubtless, and I count all things but loss for the excellency of the knowledge of Christ Jesus my Lord: for whom I have suffered the loss of all things, and do count them but dung, that I may win Christ,
9 And be found in him, not having mine own righteousness, which is of the law, but that which is through the faith of Christ, the righteousness which is of God by faith:
10 That I may know him, and the power of his resurrection, and the fellowship of his sufferings, being made conformable unto his death;
11 If by any means I might attain unto the resurrection of the dead.
12 Not as though I had already attained, either were already perfect: but I follow after, if that I may apprehend that for which also I am apprehended of Christ Jesus.
She talks also about having many rules of "purity". Yet rules without vision can often be broken or bent (or if kept, lead to human pride, which is just as sinful and damaging). A vision asks "why". A vision carries us much farther and with much less damage than rules do. It puts grace and mercy into the mix, and allows Christ to work in our hearts, not just self will.
She calls the world we live in a "rom-com" world. (rom-com=romantic comedies) One in which the ideal man is portrayed in romantic comedies (and I'll add most romance Christian novels). He's the man who is sensitive, verbose, and of course drop-dead gorgeous. He does all the right things, and never has to ask his lady what she wants, because he just knows. He has lots of money and material goods, but rarely has to work (or if he does, he still has the time to bring roses, pack a picnic, cook dinner and all those other romantic things). Watching these movies (on girls night of course!) or reading these books may escape us from our daily life for hours at a time, and only leads us to disappointment in our real life because none of the men in our life (single or dating or married) can live up to these fantasies. We begin to look down on the real honest-to-goodness men in our lives, hoping for this fantasy to become reality. Unfortunately, real life is full of sinners. You and me. Relationships are hard. Communication is hard. Being real with our loved ones is hard, not easy (as is portrayed in books and movies). It's being vulnerable. It's acknowledging and telling your sins and struggles and weaknesses to your loved ones. And it's messy. Real, real messy. And then it's glorious.
(If you want to read more on Marian's blog it is called Redeemed Girl Ministries)
I’m talking about wives with normal human husbands who sometimes sin, sometimes hurt their feelings, sometimes do things they don’t like, are sometimes a little too passive or a little too gruff, and are sometimes disagreeable or frustrating.
Sometimes I want to take young and old wives alike, grab em by the neck and say,
“Discontented woman, stop griping. Stop attacking him and tearing him down! Stop correcting him in front of other people. Stop telling everyone all his faults. He’s carrying the weight of the world on his shoulders each day. Celebrate him!
BE THANKFUL FOR THE MAN YOU HAVE.”
Because many women who gripe the loudest actually have this sort of husband:
- He is faithful.
- He is hard-working.
- He serves, in his own way.
- He smiles at you when you smile at him.
- He carries the weight of your family on his shoulders.
- He wakes up each morning and goes to work.
He IS NOT PERFECT… no man is… but by golly, what does it say about us when we can’t we be thankful for what we have?
Either extreme of teaching leads to heartache and disappointment, hey?! The only answer is to search the Bible ourselves instead of listening to various interpretations of doctrine, listen to the Holy Spirit and trust your own and your child's discernment. Repent of sinfulness or pride (flip sides of the same coin) And just trust...that's a hard thing too isn't it?!
