It's been 15 years since we said, "I do!" And we've learned so much along the way. Some good, some bad, some still just learning.
Back when we first got married, we were given the advice by a dear almost 90 year old friend. He's now 101, and still as sharp as ever. We used to drive him to Bible Study each week, since he lived close to us. His wife had recently died, and he opened up to us about their life together. They had been through the Depression when their farm was taken over by the government because they couldn't make the payments, and when they had to earn it back. They had raised 9 children in those hard times of having nothing. In yet, in spite of it all, he said that they had never had a fight. I was bewildered. I'd never heard of such a thing. The common saying is, "every couple fights" but it had always set wrong with me. When I questioned him how they accomplished this, he just quietly said, "I guess there just wasn't anything big enough that was worth hurting the one you love the most!" Wow! So simple, yet so profound. Greg and I prayerfully and intentionally took on the challenge to be like them. Married 62 years without resorting to scrapping with each other. Is it easy? No. Is it humbling? Yes. Is it worth it? Yes. Does it require keeping our mouth shut when we don't want to? Yes.
Around the same time, we heard a quote from Ravi Zacharias on the radio, "There's never a good enough reason to be unkind. You can be tough, you can be firm, but always be kind." Armed with those pieces of advice and God's Word (grace, mercy, forgiveness, empathy, seeking the other's well-being over our own, etc) we've made it thus far. To go along with that, a lady recently told me the saying, "if you have the choice of being right or being kind, always choose to be kind." It's our sinful nature that wants to be right (guilty!), but it's Jesus in us that offers kindness in adversity.
One thing that has also kept our marriage strong is having a vision and also remembering. We talk frequently about what we want from our life together, our goals and priorities. If they never happen, that's okay too. Some dreams die before they ever come to fruition and that's okay. Sometimes God changes our circumstances or hearts in different directions than we knew to ask or pray about. Also remembering often where God has brought us from is important. How He's led us through the deep waters, how He brought us together in the first place (none of our doing!), and how He is our Rock and our Fortress. How He cares about the big details of our life, but also the teeny, tiny ones too. It's all good!
We try to infuse some humor in our days, laugh often when we want to cry, and "put the best construction" on each other instead of pointing out faults or shortcomings. We forgive often. We humbly ask forgiveness often too. We try to take constructive criticism, even when our pride doesn't like to hear it. Our spouse really does know us best because they have to live with us each day, so even when the truth hurts, they are often right. I know I get my back up when I'm told I'm in the wrong, but then I humbly realize he's telling me these things because he wants the best for me. And I come around. It's all good!
We've both struggled with depression at numerous times in our marriage, which can make things rough. In these times, we've learned to wipe the calendar clean of expectations and just stay home to build our strength. There's been times where our lawn didn't get mowed for 6 weeks, where dishes sat in the sink for days, where we both were laying on a separate couch most waking times without even anything to say to each other. We didn't have anything to say to each other, or even the energy to say it if we did. Just existing. But, God is faithful even when we have had nothing to offer. He's given us hope in those dark times, and His grace has been sufficient day by day. His strength is made perfect in our weakness. And we've both definitively been very weak, many times. I'm thankful for those hard times, difficult as they were. And I'm sure they'll come again in some form or another. It's all good!
We've learned to keep our expectations of ourselves and others low. We've had to cancel plans countless times. We've been interrupted countless times. We don't get our hopes up about much anymore. If something works out, it's fine; but if not, that's fine too. We don't sweat the small stuff anymore, because we don't have the energy to. And most of it is small stuff. We don't micromanage our kids or each other because we don't have the energy either. And it's all good!
One of our favorite sayings to each lately is, "it's all good!" It can mean several different things, but the way we say it, it means, "I'm not going to get all worked up about it, it'll be fine however it works out." Our marriage, our messiness, our failures, our dashed dreams, our life...it's all good!
