Here's what I've been reading the last couple of months. I review them mainly so that I can look back and remember what I've read, but also to either recommend or not recommend them as well.
For what Love and Logic wasn't, this book is. One of my favorite quotes was found early in the book, "...Mom has learned that if she tells Sandra that she'll get a reward, Sandra is more likely to do the task. The problem is that Mom is appealing to Sandra's selfishness to get things done.
"It may be easy to get a preschooler to do what you want by giving some kind of reward, but as she gets older, you have to increase the value of the reward to get the same response...The reason is clear. Behavior modification requires that you give a reward that's greater than the desire to do something different. You're simply compensating a child for doing something she'd rather not do using something she wants. Unfortunately kids grow up asking the wrong questions, "what's in it for me?" and "are you going to pay me for this?"
That, my friends, was my whole problem with the Love and Logic approach. It doesn't follow Christ nor Biblical principles, which I didn't see when I was reading it, but this book clarified it so well. This book is a lifetime of training type book, with no quick fixes, so that is a bit more daunting. It requires you to teach your children to listen to their conscience rather than to do what they want in most areas. This isn't by guilt tripping, but by a "tight action point" (zero tolerance for disobedience) and recognizing if you are resorting to anger or nagging (obviously this doesn't work either). Building internal character and a sensitive conscience both take many years of training, which is hard to deal with in the mean time and requires much diligence and obedience (on the part of the parent and the child), but is so worth it in the long run.
A responsible person will feel bad when a job is not done well. Teaching kids to recognize this, takes time. (I wish not quite so much time!). Teaching children to listen to that still small voice inside them that tells them they are doing wrong in one area (when they see someone treated badly, when they are guilty for a "crime", etc.) and listening for that same voice inside of them when a job is poorly done. That's the kind of conscience training we're talking about.
Always focus on restoration after disobedience. Using Biblical examples, show how God and Jesus used sinners to fulfill their eternal plans. God can use us in the same way. We don't have to be perfect, but instead we are all in need of forgiveness and redemption each day. Talk about David, and Peter, and Saul/Paul and more. Our weaknesses can also be used for His glory.
Another thing to remember to teach is to listen to the Holy Spirit. Sometimes it's hard to discern between our own thoughts or imaginations and the Holy Spirit, but when we know God's Word well, then we can discern easier. Knowing what God would want us to do also helps us know when He's prompting us to do things as well. A good reminder for us parents as well. An easy way to teach children about the internal prompting of the conscience are by talking about heroes. Heroes have four main characteristics. They do what's right, deal with wrongs, are honest, and they care about others. Almost all kids look up to heroes, so encouraging them also encourages heroic behavior.
Sometimes letting a child deal with natural consequences is the best discipline. But sometimes, dealing with logical consequences is a better option. Logical consequences are ones that the parent comes up with as a result of disobedience or a apparent need for the child to learn a lesson. Loss of privilege, more parental control, practicing right behavior repeatedly are other ways to curb bad behavior and turn it into good. Romans 5:3-4 tells us that perseverance leads to hope, and children often need that hope that comes through difficulties in their life.
The rest of the book focuses on family time and how to create learning sessions in your own home to build up these principles. Lots of good ideas to think outside the box to get these points across. While learning the Bible stories is important when children are young, we also need to focus on the real life application of the Bible in our lives. For me, Bible Study was crucial for when I was a kid/teen. Listening to the adults discussing the real deal living of a Christian taught me so much about how to deal with the many challenges I'd face later on. In our own Bible Study we've been studying the importance of prayer (and the challenges of it). When the kids can hear all the adults talking about how they use prayer, the struggles with prayer, and the miracles of prayer, their own faith is strengthened. They can go into prayer with hope and assurance that God hears and answers their own prayers.
Anyhow, great book. I think the thing I liked the most was the Scripture references on almost every page of how God deals with His children; patiently, lovingly but also firmly with their soul's salvation as His end goal. We want the same thing for our children.
This was a fun little read about organizing. I wasn't sure what to expect (I've read lots of organizing books in the past, most without much difference). Marie is from Japan where houses are very small, so must be organized and kept tidy. She loves tidying, so you do have to take everything with a grain of salt (for those of us who don't love it quite so much). She also writes this book as a single person, so although her clients often have families (and she organized her own home growing up), it is not so much geared towards busier houses.
She recommends going through your house in categories rather than by places. And to do each category in one sitting if you can. Bring out all your shirts on your bed (get every shirt you own out of all cupboards and closets). Go through each one. And then do this, "take each item in one's hand and ask, "does this spark joy?" If it does, keep it; if it doesn't, dispose of it." The end.
Sounds simple, hey? If you have to think about it, then it's a no. Often we hold onto things that once served a purpose in our life, but no longer do. Or we have great intentions to use something in the future, but most likely never will. These burden our storage and our minds with baggage.
I have a story about a shirt of mine. I had this sweatshirt back from my single days. It was a favorite, and I had paid good hard earned money for it, but I really didn't wear it anymore. One reason I didn't wear it was because I then lived in Arizona where you may need only 1 sweatshirt, not a dozen or more that I had accumulated from living in Alberta and Alaska. Anyhow, we then moved to Washington and still I hung onto the shirt because I couldn't bear to part with it yet. I still loved it, but never wore it (Greg had borrowed it once and because his hands are bigger than mine, the cuffs got stretched and never fit me right again). I held onto this shirt for probably 10 years and maybe wore it once or twice in all those years. I finally bit the bullet and donated it to a thrift shop in town. Less than a month later, I saw a woman wearing my shirt in the grocery store. It was a Canadian Roots anniversary shirt, so I knew it was mine. All those years and someone else could have been using it and here I was hoarding it because of sentimental reasons. So dumb. Anyhow, I'm still working on other things in my life that I've held onto for just as lame of reasons. Now I buy most of my clothes at garage sales or thrift stores, which makes them considerably easier to get rid of without guilt.
A few more things she sees in her tidying business is people who stockpile. Who needs a stockpile of anything these days? Are we truly worried we might run out of something? Is storing something really worth the time and effort it takes up in your living space and your mind? Keeping track of too many things takes up a whole lot of mental ability (ask this mom of almost 6 compared to when it was just me to worry about). Clutter is just a failure to put things away where they belong. So, you must have a home for things (I'm definitely still working on this). All those little things in my life seem to cause clutter, but often I can't throw them away because I'll need them soon, they don't have a home until they are fixed/dealt with/not needed anymore. She uses no commercial storage units for organizing. Her favorite things are dressers and shoe boxes. She uses them for everything. It's easier if you're able to see things at a glance, so don't let labels or stickers distract you from clean lines and smooth surfaces. Let the store be your main storage. It's much easier to go and buy something when you need it, rather than hold onto something you bought for cheap for a year before needing it. Yes, you might pay a bit more, but really how much? A few cents? Even a dollar? Well worth leaving in the store until needed.
When you've decisively lived out these principles, it'll help you to be more confident and decisive in other areas of your life (people who lack confidence in their own judgement often lack confidence in themselves also and end up with too much stuff because of it). You realize that life will still go on if in fact you got rid of something you may need later. And it'll be no big deal. You'll realize that it isn't the worst thing to be lacking some material item. Many people get by on much less than any of us has. When we lived in the travel trailer for 6 months I certainly learned that. But, I also wasn't canning, dehydrating, homeschooling, and didn't have 5+1 kids either.
The other amazing phenomenon is that when we detox our homes, our bodies and lives get detoxed as well. Being the humans we are, we can only take care of and cherish a certain number of things. So, it would be best if we took better care of the few cherished items we love, rather than trying to cover too many bases by haphazardly and recklessly trying to care for more things than we can handle.
Overall, a great book. I'm still trying to figure out how to apply it more to my life, so that I can get rid of more clutter and stuff, but I'm not really up to going through everything in the house at this point since my energy is pretty limited.
The last book on the list today is Bringing Up Girls by Dr. James Dobson. I had really hoped to find some gems in this book, but sadly did not. There were lots of statistics of how endangered our girls are and lots of stories on how valuable they are, but really there wasn't anything to help my parenting along. I suppose since he only raised one daughter himself (and he pats himself on the back regularly for doing such a great job), he isn't the expert on the subject that he thinks he is. The best quotes in the book are by Dr. Meg Meeker, which I likely already quoted when I read her books last year. The only thing I tagged in the whole book was one reference to another book that sounded good, so I marked it to look for it at the library. Too bad. He's such an icon in the Christian parenting world, I had hoped for more out of him. So, I'm still looking for some good books on raising daughters. I feel so inadequate in so many ways. They are just so much more complex than boys at this stage of the game. Any ideas?
