My older sister recently sent me a text saying something to the effect of, "saying you are pro-life is one thing, actually living pro-life is completely another". She has birthed 11 children and has had some pretty rough challenges along the way. She went on to say how in the Bible, child bearing is never portrayed as easy or to be taken lightly. Sometimes, it's just hard. I have not experienced some of the many other difficult challenges that pregnancy has to offer, but it's definitely not been easy either.
With our first baby, I had what the ultrasound people called an "incompetent cervix", and was scared by them into thinking that my baby could just fall out at any given time and die. Thankfully my doctor was more reasonable and reassured me, but did advise me of all the things that could happen with such a condition. Nothing ever came of it, but it did cause me to worry needlessly. With baby #2 I was in neck pain continually, which meant I never got decent rest. With baby #3 my adrenal fatigue was at its peak, so my energy was low and non-existent, plus I was still dealing with/trying to figure out what was going on with baby #2. Baby #4, things were getting better, but I still had bursitis in my hip (and had had it for the past 2 babies as well), so I had hip pain with every step I took and every time I laid on my left side (which all the experts tell you you're supposed to do!). He also dropped down into position 6 weeks early, so I basically couldn't walk more than a few steps at a time for those last 6 weeks. Baby #5 I was just plain tired all. the. time. More than your average tiredness. I did learn a few things with her, and that was to take enough magnesium to combat the morning sickness, and later about Green Vibrance to give my energy a boost. She was also breech which caused some stress until she got turned.
Now with baby #6, it's low iron that is giving me a challenge and my tiredness has reached an all-time new low level. I didn't even know that was possible, until here it is. I'm glad I have been able to figure out what it is so that I can work on bringing it up, but it still is a long haul. I can't exercise or even go for a walk because the energy just isn't there. I even get lightheaded in the shower as that is too much exertion. Just not enough red blood cells present, so sucking it up isn't even an option. Christmas left me on the couch for 3 days after. So did Thanksgiving. I'm learning a new level of taking it easy. I can slowly feel my levels coming back up, so will get them tested again to see where I'm at, but it's a long haul. When my physical energy is so low, then my mental and emotional energy are too. My fears (real and imagined) overwhelm me, my neediness does too (a problem I've never dealt with). My insufficiencies blatantly stare me in the face and mock me while I lay on the couch and do nothing.
But, the "nothing" I do is doing something. It's growing a whole new person. It's organizing (mentally) my family of 7 and striving to meet their needs. It's reading many more books to my kids than I ever imagined I'd have time for. It's helped me read my Bible more, talk with my husband more and cuddle on the couch with whoever needs one. It's made me pray more and seek God's strength more when my own is so weak. It's made me call on others for help as well, which is hard for my pride to do.
For the past week I've been feeling far better than I have this whole pregnancy, so this is also a praise report. God is faithful at carrying me (us) through the low times, and I know He will give me strength for the challenges yet to come. I still need to stay home as much as I can, pace myself for each day (I'm experimenting with using a day timer and so far it's working well) and still trying to keep school, church and family priorities in line. I hope to start exercising a bit now that my energy is starting to come up so that I can get stronger for labor and birth, as a weak wimp trying to deliver a baby is kind of a disaster waiting to happen. So far it's been 5 months of no exercise. Ugh!
Because of the baby kicking me, hiccuping, tossing and turning, and the plain old uncomfortableness of pregnancy itself, it's hard to forget about him/her for even more than a minute. This also leads to continuous thoughts of the future of awaiting their arrival (fearing labor once again), wondering how the family dynamics will change, and also the logistics of a larger family. I have a hard time seeing above and beyond all these realities to see the poetry and beauty in it all. I know all of it in the big picture and the whole life scheme of things, I just can't see it for myself very often. More often than not, the negatives get me down. My faith just isn't very big these days. I wish it was, but it just isn't.
Living pro-life just isn't all that easy. For me anyhow.
"And he said unto me, My grace is sufficient for thee: for my strength is made perfect in weakness. Most gladly therefore will I rather glory in my infirmities, that the power of Christ my rest upon me. Therefore I take pleasure in infirmities, in reproaches, in necessities, in persecutions, in distresses for Christ's sake: for when I am weak, then am I strong." 2 Cor. 12: 9,10
