This book was excellent. Another piece of the puzzle put in place! It helped me so much see where I'm coming from, where Greg is coming from; as well as having more compassion for where friends and family are coming from. These are all just skills we can learn to better improve our relationships. I'm not going to write a ton on this one, but would just encourage you to get the book yourself and read it through. Get the copy with a workbook in the back, as that has all the questions to work through. The basis of the book is attachment as I mentioned previously in another post. It also has its basis in the Changes that Heal book that I also reviewed recently.
Soul words are just putting words to your feelings and emotions, if you struggle to come up with them on your own. (PDF to print off here)
Here's the 5 types of ways we attach to others. All of them are coping mechanisms we've adapted from childhood. The last one is the goal, to be a secure attacher. We can also switch types depending on who we are with.
- I tend to be positive and self-sufficient
- I'm usually "fine" and not very affectionate
- I have few emotions
- Sometimes I comply simply to avoid arguments
- I generally don't ask for any sort of emotional investment or commitment from people
- I minimize and resist expressions of anger in others and myself
- I'm usually happiest when other people are happy and don't want a lot from me
- I'm task oriented and a high achiever
- I prefer to do something for someone rather than connect emotionally
- I've felt resentment towards my spouse for wanting something more from me
- I'm tired of hearing how distant I am
- I don't really think of my own feelings or needs very often
- People knew me as the "good kid"
- I struggle with fear of rejection or criticism
- Sometimes I seek deeper connection by working to meet others' needs
- I have needs but they're not as big as most people's
- At times I've had difficulty tolerating physical or emotional distance from my spouse
- I prefer to deal with conflict by making up for it quickly and moving on
- I can be very jealous but I rarely show it
- I have difficulty saying no and sometimes it makes me less than truthful
- I generally don't feel angry, or if I do, I try to think about something else to get rid of it
- I don't often ask for help and feel uncomfortable when others try to help
- Growing up I experienced a great deal of intense anger and stress from a parent or parents
- I'm used to chaos at home
- I've learned to protect myself through passivity
- I don't like to consider the alternative if I weren't quiet and submissive
- I don't often assert myself
- Relationship problems are usually my fault
- I try very hard to keep my mate happy, but it doesn't always work
- At times I'm honestly scared of my spouse
- I'm resentful and angry but try not to focus on it
- I feel trapped and hopeless most of the time
- No one really knows me or what goes on in my marriage
- My spouse is nicer to friends than to me
- I've always been especially sensitive
- I desire deep, passionate connection with my spouse but never seem to get it
- I've had a history of idealizing others early on in relationships
- I easily feel disappointed, rejected, unwanted
- I sometimes become angry when my expectations are not met
- I can feel betrayed, abandoned when others are not emotionally available
- I experience internal conflict and a high level of emotional stress in relationships
- My own conflicted responses sometimes confuse even me
- Others have said they feel like they are walking on eggshells around me
- I have difficulty accepting the weaknesses of others
- I have difficulty being willing to reengage when anger blocks out other emotions
- I tend to reflect more on how others have hurt me than on my own shortcomings
- Growing up, I experienced a great deal of intense anger and stress from parent(s)
- I'm used to chaos at home
- I've learned to protect myself through aggression
- I don't like to consider the alternative if I weren't so dominant
- I tend not to think about the past but stay busy with the present
- My spouse couldn't survive without me
- Our relationship problems are usually my spouse's fault
- I rarely feel any emotion except anger and sometimes guilt if my anger has gone too far
- Things would go more smoothly if my spouse listened to me and did the things I ask
- My spouse purposely makes me jealous
- I get angry when others don't listen
- I have few feelings about my childhood except that I'm glad it's over because I wouldn't go back
- Able to say no to unreasonable requests
- Can you take risks? Secure adults are able to approach new activities with curiosity
- Can you ask for help? They know it isn't a sign of weakness
- Can you work towards compromise (they do not avoid or ignore problems, different points of view are not only tolerated but respected)
- Can you say you're sorry? Secure people are not defensive, they admit their mistakes, apologize for errors, take ownership of their own shortcomings which makes it easy for secure people to forgive others when they are wronged
Basically all of these things listed above get in the way of being able to bond with others (except secure connector). The ability to comfort others as well as be comforted is at the root of all relationships. We cannot give what we do not have ourselves, but we can learn it. The way a parent handles a child's fear, shame, anger, sadness, and jealously is critical for adult relationships. Did they teach one thing but do another in their own marriage relationship? (do what I say not what I do?) Do parents teach their children that the goal is to eliminate uncomfortable feelings or rather to learn to handle them? Did they teach how to process all emotions, which in turn teaches how to handle stressful situations? Were manners more important than heart issues? (don't embarrass me in public! Make me look like a good parent!) Was it the child's job to manage the parent's emotional needs?
The comfort circle (below) is this books way of building relationships by sharing and listening to comfort one another in distress. They talk about the many ways we cope, but don't comfort our spouse (and vice versa) when they are in distress (sadness, hurt, fear, anxiety, anger, etc). Many people are used to comforting themselves alone, as learned behavior. Many homes had lots of opinions and thoughts, but not much room for expressing negative emotions. I also recently learned that a thought comes from the brain, and a feeling comes from our heart. Even if someone says, "I feel I should get that job", it's still a thought because it comes from the mind not the heart. Start recognizing the difference with your own words, your family's, and those around you. Start encouraging a safe place to share emotions by learning to listen better (it teaches you in the book), and how to comfort better. (Hint. Have your loved one (spouse, child) lay their head in your lap while they share how they feel). Start with the emotions of childhood memories (good and bad) and move into more difficult ones as time goes by and emotional trust and vulnerability is built. In this book they also have one speaker and one listener, taking a set amount of time (5-10 min) and then switching roles. This can sound impossible to do, but it's helpful so we each feel heard (the key to trust, if you recall from the Trust book). To be able to listen, understand and learn without defensiveness, anger or putting our own two bits (advice) is harder than it sounds. Many of us have never shared with such vulnerability.
Sometimes our childhood roles also spill into our adult relationships. We've learned to adapt to guard against conflict and pain. These defenses are common to everyone. Which ones can you relate to?
- regression- "if I'm angry or hurt I act in childish ways. I pout, sulk, go to my parents' house or have temper tantrums"
- suppression- "I distract myself a lot so I don't have to feel or deal with what's bothering me"
- withdrawal- "when I'm hurt or upset, I physically leave, or just go off in my own thoughts"
- blame- "other people are the cause of most of my problems. I act and feel the way I do because of them. If they would change, everything would be fine" (very common)
- rationalization- "it's easy to tell myself the wrong things I do aren't that bad when I compare myself to what most of the other people in the world do wrong"
- devaluation- "when I'm upset, I focus on the negative traits of others. Those traits are more numerous and pronounced than my own" (a close second after blame)
- intellectualization- "I can analyze my way out of any feeling or emotion"
- compensation- "I feel the need to exaggerate my good points in order to hide any deficiencies"
- denial- "I refuse to acknowledge pain and problems and call it having a positive attitude"
- replacement- "when I'm feeling a negative emotion, I express the opposite in order to hide the truth"
- distraction- "I avoid conflict or pain by filling the day with anything and everything"
Here's the link to find out what kind of love style you are (we can change depending on who we are with as well).
Here's a list of free downloads to print off to help you rebuild those weak areas.
I also forgot to list some of the reasons we trust people we shouldn't (and end up in relationship difficulties later). This is from the last chapter of Trust, and I forgot to list them on that book review previously. He calls them "reasons for misplaced trust".
- We're lonely. We're isolated and we desire to connect so we cut corners and ignore clear warnings. This is when we need to listen to friends and family whom we trust for their advice.
- We feel powerless and lack boundaries. If we do not feel empowered to say "no", we will allow abuse, gaslighting (people negating our perceptions), control, blame and we cannot keep untrustworthy people away. If we cannot set boundaries, we also are typically also unable to confront problems or be able to put a finger on what feels "off" about the relationship.
- Needing the "Ideal". People who don't feel ok about themselves often look for someone who appears "awesome" who makes them feel like they are wonderful. It makes them feel important, special or good, but often the "ideal" is a manipulator or flatterer. Looking for perfection is a setup for misplaced trust.
- Taking the rescue bait. This person often has been treated badly, and then someone else comes along and tells them they are wonderful and they fall for the bait. Many second marriages and new jobs begin this way.
- Merger fantasies. Sometimes it feels like something is missing in us, and we are drawn to someone who possesses what we don't have. But, the need that drives the merger often overlooks other untrustworthy aspects of this person. This is different from complementary relationships where we complement each other.
- Someone from your past. If someone in your formative past had issues and you've never dealt with them, you will be blind to them. Patterns repeat themselves because people are in denial about how their past has affected them. We need to acknowledge the damage or lacks so we can heal. We should see things that are generational in nature and acknowledge their damage so we can heal. "We marry our unfinished business".
- Insecure attachment styles (listed above). This happens in marriages as well as business.
- Rescue fantasies. You believe that you can change someone with your love. Your wish to improve them is greater than their wish to change.
- Victim thinking. Many think they are powerless to change troubled relationships.
- Guilt. Many deceivers and betrayers are great at blame, never owning their own responsibilities.
- Too High Pain Tolerance. When people come from backgrounds of difficult relationships or are overly responsible, they have learned to put up with way, way too much before pulling the trigger. Pay attention to your pain.
Further Reading~
