So, it's almost been 20 years since I became a parent, and you'd think I have some things down pat by now. Which I do. But, there's plenty I don't. I've made several changes over these last few years as I've learned about "emotional maturity", and as I've done so it's required me to apologize to my kids and then repent of ways that in my ignorance I've caused harm and/or neglect to their developing selves. I've had a few instances where this played out in the past couple weeks, and I just want to share them. The old way I would have handled something vs. the new way.
#1. We were at the dentist the other day, a place we all love. One of my kids was waiting for his checkup fearing if he had some cavities, and we ended up waiting longer than usual. (more than 1/2 hour) He says to me, "I'm feeling really restless having to wait this long". I agreed with him that I dislike waiting in dentist or doctor's offices as well and suggested he do a few jumping jacks to relieve his restlessness. This worked and all was well. (validate feelings, help him understand it in his body)
In the old days with my older kids, they wouldn't have known what restless even meant because I didn't teach them to name their emotions. They would have started pestering their siblings the longer the wait was, and possibly fighting, but still never being able to put a name to it so I could know what was going on inside their bodies. Then I would have reprimanded them for being "naughty" and told them to smarten up and act like mini adults (I wouldn't have said that but expected that!) when I myself would have been feeling restless as well. Then I would have been constantly scanning the waiting room wondering if my kids were being a nuisance to the other people, and taken it personally if they were. The new method alleviated it all, while not changing our circumstances at all.
A lot of this requires separating the behavior from the character. We all have bad days, rough seasons and "naughtiness", but this doesn't make us a bad person. We have a sin nature, but we've also been created in the image of God and are His child, with Jesus occupying our hearts and washing away our sins, faults and shortcomings in His grace on a continual basis. For me it's so ingrained to think bad behavior=bad kid, but that's simply not true. And helping our kids see this is crucial in their view of themselves for the rest of their lives.
#2. Last week two of my older kids were fighting as we were headed out the door and already late. I lost it and yelled at both and pulled them apart and degraded them. Yup. And then when we were all in the car and headed down the road, I knew I should apologize but I couldn't. It took me at least 5 miles of driving with a battle in my head of "I'm sorry I freaked out, but you guys were acting ridiculous and should know better" or "I'm sorry I lost it but you guys made me" or "I'm sorry I yelled but if you had done what you were supposed to be doing I wouldn't have lost my temper". All the "buts" and "you should haves" (blame/shame).
The truth was I lost it because I lost it. I yelled because I let myself let them "have it" because it felt good in the moment to release some frustration. I degraded them because my angst was already great and I wanted them to feel as bad as I was feeling already. The long and short was my reaction (or lack thereof) was all on me. So, I finally swallowed my pride and said, "I'm sorry I freaked out on you and acted so immaturely. That was wrong of me, and it wasn't your fault." These type of apologies are really, really hard for me to do. (Owning all of my behavior with no excuses).
This page below out of a book I'm reading was helpful. (Raising Emotionally Mature Boys, yes, I know it's a bit late for this!)
I've heard many apologies over the years that I don't really think are apologies either. I still believe God forgives through them, they just are frosted thick with blame and shame so don't really help repair any brokenness. I'm sure you've heard your share as well. And so have our kids, from us, unfortunately.
Here's a few that come to mind~
"I'm sorry you didn't like what I said"
"I'm sorry if I *might* have offended you" (no admittance to doing anything wrong, far too vague)
"I'm sorry for any hurt feelings" (still no admitting of any wrong doing)
"I'm sorry for acting out, but you were doing ..... that provoked me" (blaming, not owning)
"Don't make me lose it" (it is frightening for a child to think they have that much power and that their parent is not in control)
One of my friends has said that her mom was convicted 20-30+ years later of the anger she had had when her kids were small. She called each one of the 12 of them, and apologized and owned it all. She didn't blame it on stress, or her naughty kids; instead she owned that what she had done was wrong. This daughter felt heard/recognized instead of believing she was {part of} her mom's anger all those years. Another friend said a family member lived in fear her whole childhood because her mom would say, "don't make me mad or I might have a heart attack". The kids lived in fear they might kill their mother at any misdeed, even if accidental. Poor kids!
#3. This last one that comes to mind today is a doozy. It goes back almost those 20 years. It means apologizing for how we parented and caused habits that now need to be undone, if they even can be. Back when our oldest was a toddler, everyone we knew was training their children with the To Train Up a Child books. Everyone in all the circles we knew. In AZ and WA. And they seemed Biblical. The main component of these methods and books was to have compliance from the child at all levels and in all places. There was no room for error as a parent, or room for a 'lazy day' or your child would be back to square one with the discipline. This caused me to be very diligent at "winning" any power struggles with my then toddler. We had significant holdouts where I was determined to win the battle of wills at any cost, this would cement me as the authority that my child must obey. Sadly, it's not that simple. I discarded this parenting style pretty quickly, but not without long term damage. My oldest child learned that his opinion didn't matter, especially in areas where anger was involved (the greatest sin). [Note the lack of grace for both parents and children]
Since then, I have learned that often anger is a sense of injustice, whether real or perceived. Our toddlers have an idea of how they want things, and often turn up angry when that cannot be fulfilled. My new kind of parenting did listen better and brought them close to me when things got heated instead of using love/connection as leverage to get compliance, but I had shut this child down far too many times already. He's now an adult and has little idea how to handle inner anger or senses of injustice.
The child doesn't feel worthy of having feelings because I didn't know how to teach these things back then, because my own feelings were completely shut down inside of me. He has no emotional vocabulary because I didn't teach him that. Although I changed my parenting as soon as I could (it just felt wrong to my heart to do this), some damage was done. I realize this is multifaceted and I'm not only to blame, but I also knew I needed to repent of this damage I recognize I caused due to my ignorance back then. Know better, do better and apologize for whatever you know was wrong, even if it was almost 20 years ago. I also repented of letting him "cry it out" to try to get him to sleep through the night. I also listened to other people and not my own gut instincts and heart on that one. My other 5 kids never had to endure that misery.
These people in the paragraphs above also wrote marriage books which I also renounce. (Created to be His Helpmeet). My friend is helping me see the damage of these books as well. I don't feel they affected our own marriage much since we were pretty well established in our marriage by the time they were written, but I can see how they cause a lot of shame, blame and guilt; and it's all on the wife. The husband loves these books because his wife is constantly picking up the slack and the pieces (acting like a doormat), and the consequences from his choices made to which she has to adapt. And taking the shame for having any of her own ideas, preferences or limitations. It's a mess. Marriage isn't considered a level playing field of a team where each work together in their God-given roles. I'm sorry if I recommended these books to any of you, because I didn't see the damage of them back then, I thought they were pretty neutral and I'm sorry. This could be a big reason that 80% of autoimmune diseases are in women.
#4. Letting them and encouraging them to cry. This one is a toughie for me because I always thought my job as a mom was to stop the crying. And if they were crying, I was a bad mom. Yes, I took it personally. But crying is wonderful. The more we respond to our kids when they cry, the less they will feel the need to cry. We all need to cry. It teaches them that it's ok to hurt when things are hurtful. There are so many benefits, but mainly I would say that we teach them that vulnerability is a strength, not a weakness. And if our kids feel free coming to us with their tears, we must guard this vulnerability like a vault and never use it against them. That is a rapid fire way to lose their trust. When I started embracing crying instead of shutting it down, one of our kids cried for 2 hours, 3 days in a row. (I had given some Ignatia homeopathic remedy for grief). I feel like a lifetime of tears came out and it hasn't happened again in such fervor. Another child cried repeatedly over a hard situation and the same happened. Both transformed our relationship between parent and child. But, I had to just let them cry and not take on their pain myself (enmeshment, codependency where we can't tell what's ours and what is someone else's) but just comfort them or give them space, whatever they needed.
This last one is key to relationship. I love the meme below. We could all work on our tone when we're annoyed, frustrated or angry ourselves. And sometimes we need action and a friendly tone just doesn't work so well. But, we also need to be able to say, "I need a break and we'll deal with this when we've both had a few minutes to think clearly" or any such words that bring the tone/angst back down. Emotional reactions rarely end well. We know this in our kids, and we know this in ourselves yet we succumb often enough, it seems. Choose responding (taking time to think things through) over reacting (impulsively blurting out what you'll later regret and have to apologize for).
- Dr Becky Kennedy at Good Inside (she's also been on Andrew Huberman and Lewis Howes podcasts and more)
- Calm Parenting Podcast with Kirk Martin (I haven't listened to a lot of these, but the ones I have have been good)
“Grace is one-way love. Grace is a gift with no strings
attached. It is non-contingent, a compassionate alliance, unmerited
favor, sacrificial love that seeks a person out at their most
unlovable.”
~David Zahl in The Big Relief
