Tuesday, May 12, 2015

Next stage, next moves

One thing that I am excited (and very nervous) about is the kids growing older and entering the next stages.  Recently three different times I've had a long drive with just the 2 older boys and we've had such good visits.  I guess because there are usually the little kids around, it's hard to get past just the ordinary talk that goes on in a day.  I try to bring up specific subjects that I want to cover with them or answer questions at meal times, but it seems that these sporatic unplanned conversations prove much more fruitful.  One of my cousins recently mentioned that she has always loved it when her kids hit about 8 years old, because then you can start having real conversations with them and seeing their true personalities developing.  I have to agree, although I'm just starting this stage so am not sure of the end results yet!

Another great time I've found for talking is when the kids are in bed and the lights are out.  Kids just seem to open up and share whatever is on their mind so we can talk things through.  In daylight hours, this just doesn't happen.  This is hard to accomplish when you have a baby that nurses all evening, so I'm relieved when I can get back to spending a bit of time with the older kids at night now that she's not so needy.  We also let one kid stay up "late" on the weekend nights to get some alone time with Dad and Mom, but usually deep conversations don't happen at that time.

So then I've also wondered how to ensure I'm covering the "needed" bases for each age group as well as how to cover specific potentially awkward subjects, so I have been reading a few books to give me some insight.  It seems that most potentially hazardous subjects should be covered between the ages of 10-12.  This is when the child is old enough to understand the moral, emotional, & physical aspects of the different topics, but before the hormones kick in to alter their views on them (possibly younger for girls, depending on their maturity).  And physical maturity does not equal emotional maturity.  A 10 year old is still a 10 year old.  This is where parental influence is of utmost importance.  Lots of talking and lots of listening time.  Most kids will have their views for their whole teenage years solidified by the time they are 12, which is why it's important to cover these subjects before you think you have to, rather than after the fact.  Also, for any of these subjects, you likely would rather the kids hear the information from you rather than the tweaked versions that they may hear from their friends.  This also gives the opportunity to share your Biblical moral input on the subject rather than just "the facts".  Most often, the first introduction a kid has to any subject will be the one that sticks the longest (for good or for bad).  

Judging your child's personality comes into play as well.  Since our oldest is pretty quiet, approaching these subjects alone with him makes him rather awkward.  Having his younger quizzical brother along has helped open up much more discussion, as well as making some of the difficult subjects easier to tackle, even though younger brother is a bit young for some of the topics yet.  

Sauna time has proven to be a good time for me to talk to our daughter about some of the issues that she'll face with modesty, privacy vs. openness, body image, etc.  I tend to be more open than many Chrisitan families are about all the body image stuff, just from my life guarding and nursing and sauna-taking back ground.  To me, a body is a body.  Everyone has one.  No need to flaunt it, but no need to hide it either (within reason of course- during swimming, in locker rooms, etc.). Kind of a mix between the European freedom and common sense.  Not dressing to attract attention or accentuate ourselves, but not dressing to hide or be ashamed either.  It's definitely a fine line of judgement, but thankfully we have many years to teach this lifetime skill.

Along with the Meg Meeker books I've already listed in previous posts, these are the other two books I read recently.  Passport2Purity is a complete curriculum that also comes highly recommended for the 12+ kids.  Any more books/materials you can recommend?  Or ways to approach these important matters?  
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