Low Anthropology, The Big Relief and Seculosity book reviews

 I have been reading these three books all spring, summer and fall thus far.  I just finished Low Anthropology by David Zahl, so I'll hit on that first.  The reason this has taken so long is because there is just so. much. good. stuff in these books.  Almost every paragraph had gems worth digesting, so reading one chapter per week was about all I could absorb!  It hit home in so many ways, and gave an opportunity to change our views to one of more grace for ourselves and for others (which we all desire as believers).  I'm not going to write much of my own thoughts, because I honestly can't figure out how to even sum up each chapter.  I'm going to post reviews and some YouTube videos that you can check out on your own.

From Amazon~

"In Low Anthropology, popular author and theologian David Zahl explores how our ideas about human nature influence our expectations in friendship, work, marriage, and politics. We all go through life with an "anthropology"—an idea about what humans are like, our potentials and our limitations. A high anthropology—thinking optimistically about human nature—can breed perfectionism, anxiety, burnout, loneliness, and resentment. Meanwhile, Zahl invites listeners into a biblically rooted and surprisingly life-giving low anthropology, which fosters hope, deep connection with others, lasting love, vulnerability, compassion, and happiness.

"Zahl offers a liberating view of human nature, sin, and grace, showing why the good news of Christianity is both urgent and appealing. By embracing a more accurate view of human beings, listeners will discover a true and lasting hope."

A few of my favorite sections in the book, in no specific order and with no particular correlation:

"People will do anything, no matter how absurd, in order to avoid facing their own souls." ~Carl Jung.  Avoiding low anthropology is both the easiest and hardest thing in the world. It's easy because we are surrounded by countless strategies for sidestepping evidence of our limitations, inconsistency and self-centeredness, and doubleness (the inner conflict Paul speaks about in Romans 7:19 For the good that I would I do not: but the evil which I would not, that I do. Now if I do that I would not, it is no more I that do it, but sin that dwelleth in me.)

In regards to fundamentalist Christianity, "sin was/is the inflexible yardstick by which we measure others". Actions, words, even thoughts aren't safe from scrutiny. The list of sinful offenses seems infinite. Sin served as a foundation for self-loathing, a vehicle for shame and repression and all manner of judgement. But the prevailing thought was that sin could be avoided if you just tried hard enough. Settings where faith looks like more of a sin-management program rather than a dynamic relationship with a loving God is high anthropology. Church should be the one safe place to bring our shame and shortcomings, not the place where extra helpings are handed out. We can never underestimate the fallout of these legalistic forms of religion that all of us can be handing out or on the receiving end of and/or suffering the aftermath of.

High anthropology folks distance themself from "wrongdoers" because they believe that those who do wrong are a different type of person than they themselves are. When we realize that other people may express their pain differently than we do, we can have compassion not judgement. Not labeling them as a bigot, a rageaholic, or whatever label we might want to put on them. Low anthropology takes the uncomfortable position that resists categories. So called "bad people" are capable of doing good, and so called "good people" are capable of doing bad. This does not excuse anyone's actions, but helps us to see that we ourselves can be the bully or the abuser instead of trying to rid the world of "bad guys".

Basically, any time we think that other people could and should do better than they are if they'd just try a little harder (even though we know that we can't), we're coming from a place of high anthropology.  Or if we think that if they just had more and more of the *right information* they would do *the right thing* (even though more information doesn't fix our own doubleness problem).  A low anthropologic view says that we're all sinners in need of God's grace and that He's always trying to draw us closer to Himself, through all our life's experiences.

• Low Anthropology Interview, and another one on 1517.
• Chad Bird's book review on 1517.org
• Low Anthropology | Wisconsin Lutheran Seminary

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The next book is The Big Relief, also by David Zahl.

From the back cover~

"We could all use a little--or a lot--of relief from the pressures of life. And there is no bigger relief than the grace of God.

"In The Big Relief, popular author David Zahl spotlights grace as the most important, urgent, and radical contribution Christianity has to offer the world. He helps us understand the beauty and depth of grace, outlining how it provides relief from the guilt, status anxiety, and accelerating demand that characterize so much of modern life. Drawing on the witness of Scripture and a wide variety of contemporary examples, he unpacks the theology of grace in a fresh way, exploring its many fruits--such as freedom, play, surrender, humility, rest, surprise, and joy.

"Zahl invites us to embrace Christianity as a refuge rather than as a project, a beacon of hope instead of a vehicle of shame, and a harbor of refreshment in a worn-out world."

"The central hope (and scandal, and paradox, and challenge) of Christian faith, brought down brilliantly to ground level for all of us weary souls."
--Francis Spufford, author of Unapologetic and Light Perpetual

"The Big Relief is more than a good read; it's a breath of fresh air and a burden lifted all at the same time. Zahl calls us to lay down the heavy loads of performance and anxiety and reminds us--once again--that all is grace."
--Hannah Anderson, author of Turning of Days: Lessons from Nature, Season, and Spirit

"The Big Relief reminds us that grace is a party, a piñata exploding with God's best candy, a free and never-ending gift. This book just might help you fall back in love with the weirdest, wildest theological concept in all creation."
--Harrison Scott Key, author of How to Stay Married and The World's Largest Man

• Chad Bird's review here on 1517.org
• Why David Zahl wrote the book
• The Big Relief: The Urgency of Grace for a Worn-Out World  by David Zahl

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The last one (which was written first) is Seculosity also by David Zahl.

This one focuses on "enoughness".  How many things measure our enoughness in this world, and how exhausting that is.  How we've replaced justification from God with self-justification from people and things around us to be viewed as enough.  And how someone is always measuring if we're enough.  How the church has become a place of measuring it (reproach anyone?), when it should be a relief from it.

"Zahl writes in Seculosity of our desire or yearning to be counted or recognized as “enough” by society. To be “enough” one must be successful in career achievements that come with important accolades, financial remuneration and recognition. Our success as parents starts with which child-raising models we follow and which pre-school we got our child into before s/he was even born. To be enough we must adopt the latest technological gizmos designed to make our lives shine above all others. To be enough we must consume the right foods/beverages and exercise regimen that produces the “correct” physical body. Being enough also requires one to subscribe to the right political movement or thought. And of course, one needs the right romantic partner or spouse to cap off one’s “enoughness.” " [source]

Ways this might play out in our own lives (the titles of the chapters)? Seculosity of busyness, romance, parenting, technology, work, leisure, food, politics, Jesusland (when church itself becomes another place to assert your enoughness &/or righteousness instead of a place to receive it). If you can succeed in keeping off of it in one area, you can be assured you'll find yourself guilty in another.  We can't escape it.  And then what to do about them all. (PS, again it's all grace).  

For example, instead of just actions being bad/good (Biblical sin or not), now our food is labelled bad/good and then it defines whether we are bad/good if we eat those things.  Controlling our weight (or lack thereof) determines our moral success or failure.  And it's ok to judge others by these standards (which it's not).  It's just another form of legalism in it's simplest definition (adding rules to Scripture that aren't in Scripture).  This also goes for where we eat/won't eat, what we eat/don't eat, organic/non, fast food/slow food, imported food/local food, home grown/store bought all have a measurement of good/bad to them.  And we subconsciously or consciously measure our own choices and those of others by these standards.  There's even a new eating disorder called orthorexia "which starts as an innocent attempt to eat more healthfully, but then we become so fixated on quality and purity...every day is a new chance to eat right, and do "good" and rise above others in dietary prowess, and self-punish if temptation wins (usually through stricter eating, fasts and exercise).  Self-esteem becomes wrapped up in the purity of the diet, and they feel superior to others, especially in regard to food intake."  These people often end up malnourished because their life becomes so stressful that their personal relationships suffer and social isolation ensues.  It becomes an obsessive pulse taking of enoughness.  We can't love or serve one another when we're so busy measuring ourselves or our loved ones.  That's just one example from the book of the ways Seculosity plays out in our lives.

This can also happen in the cultural field.  When churches start to get involved in cultural shifts/conflicts (immigration, prejudice, etc), they have little to say to the perpetrators of the inequality.  The said sinners in the equation.  Forgiveness has to be earned in these cases, instead of a common understanding of sinfulness and the common need for mercy from an all-powerful God.  The church has become a schoolhouse only for saints at this point (that I agree with).  What seems like a good cause can become just more do-gooding to measure if we're enough.  We want others to see our activism, our dedication to the cause, our sacrifices.  Our moral superiority becomes very apparent! (circle back to high and low anthropology)

The long and short of it all comes down to this: knowing what we should do or be does not give us the ability to do or be these things.  For example, if a friend tells you to "just relax", it rarely works as commanded.  The human heart always has and always will be in conflict with itself.  Religions of control work for a short while because they appeal to our yearning for control, but eventually they run out of steam because of this reality.  They promise joy and peace, but ultimately deliver anxiety, self-consciousness and loneliness and thus despair.  Christianity offers hope through grace, if we believe in justification by faith.  There's not much more to it, unless of course you read my post on legalism and moralism which most (all?) of us succumb to at some point or another to try to be "enough" by the people we know and thus think that's what God requires as well.  How do we remedy all this?

1. We speak more about death than we already do.  Our never-enoughness doesn't compute in the language of eternity.
2. We focus on human motivation (hearts) rather than behavior.  We're all in more bondage than we admit, more sinful than we think and so is everyone else.  "What the heart desires, the will chooses and the mind justifies". Everyone you meet is in the same dire condition.
3. Fundamentally Christ-centered, meaning not church centered nor consumer centered.  Grace- centered Christianity exclaims loudly "nothing that needs to be done hasn't already been done" (by Christ)

Thinking Fellows podcast interviewing David Zahl on this book (really good!)

1 Thess 3:11Now God himself and our Father, and our Lord Jesus Christ, direct our way unto you.

12And the Lord make you to increase and abound in love one toward another, and toward all men, even as we do toward you:

13To the end he may stablish your hearts unblameable in holiness before God, even our Father, at the coming of our Lord Jesus Christ with all his saints.

A healthy dose of anger

This post is a bit different than the rest.  It still focuses on my healing path, but comes as an epiphany of something I've been holding in for 3 decades but didn't know it existed.  A healthy release has been so refreshing.

To start with, I've been working on opening up my heart to love of life and people.  I've spent the last year praying and meditating on it, working through any areas that seem to be closed up as I become aware of them and being open to change and vulnerability.  It's not easy work, but it is worth being free again.  I'm tired of being locked down, clamped down, living within my own emotional walls of fear and protection that have formed over the years.  Brene Brown says in her article about the midlife unraveling, "it seems as if we spend the first half of our lives shutting down feelings to stop the hurt and the second half trying to open everything back up to heal the hurt."

It started with #1) listening to this episode of The Connected Life podcast while driving my kids out to strawberry picking each morning.  I randomly started listening to this couple and felt that Abi (the wife) hit the nail on the head right at the 11 minute mark about her anger with "the church".  (as an institution, not the people as clarified later in the podcast).  I was driving by myself and when she said that the Christians "they eat their own", I both laughed and cried out loud in the car.  She goes on to say that we all want to belong, but that belonging to Christians is the hardest group to belong to, because they have the power (on behalf of God) to oust you at any given moment, and that to a child is really scary.  She says they, "turn on each other, they judge each other, they are cruel towards each other, they act like they know everything about what everyone else should or shouldn't be doing".  That the adults/leaders get to decide who is good and who is bad, what is good and what is bad and you just have to go along with that.  That podcast really resonated with me, but I didn't really know why yet.  That came a week or so later. 

But if ye bite and devour one another, take heed that ye not be consumed one by another. (Gal 5:15) 

Step #2 was a conversation I had about the pro-life movement.  I was talking with someone about different stories of unwed pregnancy and realized as I was telling a story from my own life that I apparently still had a lot of anger surrounding it.  When I was about 19-20, there was a young lady in our church who got pregnant.  She was older than me, but since I had no experience in the love and marriage area, I didn't really realize the implications or ramifications this had.  What I mean by this is, although I knew how babies were made; I didn't know how much of "falling in love" was where you just fell into it with no control over how this happened, or how much passion had to do with our ability to make choices (how hard or easy was it to avoid temptation?  I had no idea!)  I had never been in love or had anyone in love with me let alone had 2 people in love with each other! 

So, when I heard the adults talking about this situation, I didn't really understand it but what I did understand was the pain that must have been involved with it all.  And also what I observed (even more so) was the material it provided for gossip, slander, self-righteousness & judgement along with a whole lot of two-faced-ness.  As someone unmarried it stirred up a ton of fear in me that this situation may somehow happen to me, because I was (a) unmarried (b) female (c) also may "fall in love" with someone who I'm not married to [yet/decide not to] someday.  I knew I would also receive this same judgment on my head if I somehow (I didn't really know how) fell into this situation.  I also observed very little love or compassion, grace or mercy as observing this all playing out.  (It wasn't everyone doing this, but it was the most common loudest response).  And I was appalled.  But, when I questioned the disconnect, I was shut down as if they had a righteous authority to do these things because they were the adults (on behalf of God, of course!)

What I learned from this situation that I'm only comprehending now is that the preaching from the pulpit on forgiveness, love, grace and mercy were only lip service, we don't actually do those things when people sin or fall short, we just talk about them.  I should clarify that this behavior I am explaining below was never preached nor condoned in our congregation, it was all on the sidelines in casual conversation.  I know in some churches it was, but in mine it was not.  The preaching I heard aligned with what the preachers themselves lived out in example.

The observations I made were this:  We (as Christians) have full reign to use other people's vulnerabilities to make judgments about their character, assumptions about their walk of faith (or lack thereof) and their heinous sin from our own moral high horse. Blech. Things like mental illness or breakdowns, addictions, sufferings of any sort that we deem to be someone's own fault are all fodder for the flesh to gloat in. [fodder: cheap, inferior or readily available material used to supply a heavy demand]  They all give us leverage to determine someone's ability to belong to "the church".  And we all want to belong.  So we strive and then we strive some more.  We either learn to hide our sin (how many other people had unmarried sex that didn't end up in pregnancy and thus avoided the ostracization that I witnessed here?) or lie about our sin or kill ourselves off trying to stay ahead of expectations and the reproaches that follow?  Why do Christians feel the need to use reproach as their main weapon of control when Jesus clearly again and again teaches that love is the way to win people and change behavior?  And that the goodness of God leads us to repentance? (Romans 2:4) And that His main emotion was "He had compassion on them..."  “For he knoweth our frame; he remembereth that we are dust.” (Psalm 103:14)  

The other thing I learned as a child/young adult was that although we had to blanket forgive the adult's behaviors and weaknesses, they had the authority to not forgive ours as the children.  They could use our past sins, failures and weaknesses against us whenever they chose. For. The. Rest. Of. Our. Lives.  Forgiveness was conditional.  Nothing was ever washed away as long as a situation arose where it could be used later for leverage for better behavior.   "The gospel" was only used when we wanted to use it, it wasn't for everyone or every situation.  We could hold people's sins against them for as long as we wanted to, there was no obligation to forgive or heal things we didn't feel like addressing.  We could choose victim mentality as much as we liked, and although we demanded better behavior out of our kids and other people, we didn't expect it of ourselves.  This hypocrisy was crippling for me.  I observed that adults also were allowed to decide how "contrite" or "repentant" or "humble" someone else was and use that as leverage to forgive or not.  As if we have that authority or ability!!

For as much as "the gospel" was taught (and even hammered in an "exacting manner"), it wasn't actually applied.  [I put "the gospel" in quotations because that's what it was called, but the definition is rather murky.  I will be addressing that in my next post] That too was only a theory for the most part.  We didn't need to ask forgiveness of our children if we behaved badly (they were just automatically supposed to endlessly forgive us), we didn't need to forgive anyone we got in an argument with if we lost our cool or said things hurtful (it was called "standing up for truth"), we didn't need to apologize for reproaching someone even if it was none of our business to get involved in the situation in the first place, and many more examples like this where we didn't act in ways that were kind, gracious nor loving to our fellow believers.  Often times reproach was called love, when in fact it wasn't love at all, only fear and a need to control others & outcomes.  I am still often confused as to what love truly is, because there were so many things that I was told was love, but the behaviors didn't feel the least bit loving to me.  It felt fearful and manipulative at best.

So, for all these things, I am angry.  I'm angry at how this young lady was treated, along with all the other ones throughout time who were treated poorly in the name of "we need everyone to know how sinful this is".  I'm angry that I didn't know better how to call out the crap going on back then because I was too stymied by it myself.  Just like a small child stands by and watches another child get bullied (and doesn't go tell an adult for fear of getting bullied themselves), I stood by quivering lest I be the next head on the chopping block for one of my sins or failures to perform to the unwritten yet ever changing list of expectations required to belong to "the church".  And then we wonder why people leave the faith, leave the church and leave their families.  This is one big reason why.

This FB post below was step #3 on the path to being angry.  This is Billy Graham's grandson who has also been stymied by the church's list of ways to belong.  This isn't just my church or yours, it's pretty much pandemic in North America, and Europe as well.  To me the first step to healing this is to not use other people's vulnerabilities against them in gossip & slander.  To have compassion on ourselves so that we can then share it with others because it's free to give, it's not a limited resource only reserved for those subjectively deemed worthy.  To hear their story of struggle and believe it.  To validate their pain and acknowledge our own.  To work through our own anger to then come to a place of forgiveness and healing.  To apologize if we've hurt people and not get defensive (we do this because our own voices have been silenced in the past, so we just follow the same trajectory).  And then to be a trusted source of love, hope and healing to those around us, not just one more place of judgement and reproach.  

I'll be addressing some of these things in a part 2, as now that my anger has dissipated a bit I feel like they need to be worked through in more depth.

by Tullian Tchividjian 

We’ve been told that in order to be an effective witness for Jesus, we need to be good, clean, and nice. We assume that the less sin we have—or the more sin we hide—the more attractive Jesus will be to others. We conclude that bad behavior makes Jesus look bad, that weakness makes Jesus look weak.

But it’s actually the exact opposite.

As someone once said, “We glorify a water fountain by coming thirsty and drinking deeply.” This means that it’s when we are real—when we confess our sins, demonstrate our desperation, acknowledge our neediness, tell the truth about our fears and insecurities and struggles and secrets—THAT is when we bear witness to the world about a Savior who came, not for the righteous, but for sinners. When we admit that we are selfish and arrogant and controlling and self-righteous and faithless and unforgiving—THAT is when we showcase a Savior who graciously rescues bad and weak people who fail because bad and weak people who fail are all that there are. The world doesn’t need to see our competence—it needs to hear our confession.

What I need, what you need, and what the whole world needs is a Savior who saves the faithless—One who rescues the godless, the spineless, the strengthless, the loveless, and the careless.

We all need a “friend of sinners” kind of Savior—One who obstinately pursues runners, rebels, and ragamuffins with non-blinking love, amazing grace, and outrageous mercy.

Rethinking parenting

So, it's almost been 20 years since I became a parent, and you'd think I have some things down pat by now.  Which I do.  But, there's plenty I don't.  I've made several changes over these last few years as I've learned about "emotional maturity", and as I've done so it's required me to apologize to my kids and then repent of ways that in my ignorance I've caused harm and/or neglect to their developing selves.  I've had a few instances where this played out in the past couple weeks, and I just want to share them.  The old way I would have handled something vs. the new way.

 

#1.  We were at the dentist the other day, a place we all love.  One of my kids was waiting for his checkup fearing if he had some cavities, and we ended up waiting longer than usual. (more than 1/2 hour)  He says to me, "I'm feeling really restless having to wait this long".  I agreed with him that I dislike waiting in dentist or doctor's offices as well and suggested he do a few jumping jacks to relieve his restlessness.   This worked and all was well.     (validate feelings, help him understand it in his body)

In the old days with my older kids, they wouldn't have known what restless even meant because I didn't teach them to name their emotions.  They would have started pestering their siblings the longer the wait was, and possibly fighting, but still never being able to put a name to it so I could know what was going on inside their bodies.  Then I would have reprimanded them for being "naughty" and told them to smarten up and act like mini adults (I wouldn't have said that but expected that!) when I myself would have been feeling restless as well. Then I would have been constantly scanning the waiting room wondering if my kids were being a nuisance to the other people, and taken it personally if they were.  The new method alleviated it all, while not changing our circumstances at all.

 

A lot of this requires separating the behavior from the character.  We all have bad days, rough seasons and "naughtiness", but this doesn't make us a bad person.  We have a sin nature, but we've also been created in the image of God and are His child, with Jesus occupying our hearts and washing away our sins, faults and shortcomings in His grace on a continual basis.  For me it's so ingrained to think bad behavior=bad kid, but that's simply not true.  And helping our kids see this is crucial in their view of themselves for the rest of their lives.

 

#2.  Last week two of my older kids were fighting as we were headed out the door and already late.  I lost it and yelled at both and pulled them apart and degraded them.  Yup.  And then when we were all in the car and headed down the road, I knew I should apologize but I couldn't.  It took me at least 5 miles of driving with a battle in my head of "I'm sorry I freaked out, but you guys were acting ridiculous and should know better" or "I'm sorry I lost it but you guys made me" or "I'm sorry I yelled but if you had done what you were supposed to be doing I wouldn't have lost my temper".  All the "buts" and "you should haves" (blame/shame).  

The truth was I lost it because I lost it.  I yelled because I let myself let them "have it" because it felt good in the moment to release some frustration.  I degraded them because my angst was already great and I wanted them to feel as bad as I was feeling already.  The long and short was my reaction (or lack thereof) was all on me.  So, I finally swallowed my pride and said, "I'm sorry I freaked out on you and acted so immaturely.  That was wrong of me, and it wasn't your fault."  These type of apologies are really, really hard for me to do.  (Owning all of my behavior with no excuses).

 

This page below out of a book I'm reading was helpful. (Raising Emotionally Mature Boys, yes, I know it's a bit late for this!)

 

I've heard many apologies over the years that I don't really think are apologies either.  I still believe God forgives through them, they just are frosted thick with blame and shame so don't really help repair any brokenness.  I'm sure you've heard your share as well.  And so have our kids, from us, unfortunately.   

 

Here's a few that come to mind~

"I'm sorry you didn't like what I said"

"I'm sorry if I *might* have offended you" (no admittance to doing anything wrong, far too vague)

"I'm sorry for any hurt feelings" (still no admitting of any wrong doing) 

"I'm sorry for acting out, but you were doing ..... that provoked me" (blaming, not owning)

"Don't make me lose it" (it is frightening for a child to think they have that much power and that their parent is not in control)

One of my friends has said that her mom was convicted 20-30+ years later of the anger she had had when her kids were small.  She called each one of the 12 of them, and apologized and owned it all.  She didn't blame it on stress, or her naughty kids; instead she owned that what she had done was wrong.  This daughter felt heard/recognized instead of believing she was {part of} her mom's anger all those years.  Another friend said a family member lived in fear her whole childhood because her mom would say, "don't make me mad or I might have a heart attack".  The kids lived in fear they might kill their mother at any misdeed, even if accidental.  Poor kids!

 

  

 

#3.  This last one that comes to mind today is a doozy.  It goes back almost those 20 years.  It means apologizing for how we parented and caused habits that now need to be undone, if they even can be.  Back when our oldest was a toddler, everyone we knew was training their children with the To Train Up a Child books.  Everyone in all the circles we knew.  In AZ and WA.  And they seemed Biblical.  The main component of these methods and books was to have compliance from the child at all levels and in all places.  There was no room for error as a parent, or room for a 'lazy day' or your child would be back to square one with the discipline.  This caused me to be very diligent at "winning" any power struggles with my then toddler.  We had significant holdouts where I was determined to win the battle of wills at any cost, this would cement me as the authority that my child must obey.  Sadly, it's not that simple.  I discarded this parenting style pretty quickly, but not without long term damage.  My oldest child learned that his opinion didn't matter, especially in areas where anger was involved (the greatest sin).  [Note the lack of grace for both parents and children]

 

Since then, I have learned that often anger is a sense of injustice, whether real or perceived.  Our toddlers have an idea of how they want things, and often turn up angry when that cannot be fulfilled.  My new kind of parenting did listen better and brought them close to me when things got heated instead of using love/connection as leverage to get compliance, but I had shut this child down far too many times already.  He's now an adult and has little idea how to handle inner anger or senses of injustice.  

 

The child doesn't feel worthy of having feelings because I didn't know how to teach these things back then, because my own feelings were completely shut down inside of me.  He has no emotional vocabulary because I didn't teach him that.  Although I changed my parenting as soon as I could (it just felt wrong to my heart to do this), some damage was done.  I realize this is multifaceted and I'm not only to blame, but I also knew I needed to repent of this damage I recognize I caused due to my ignorance back then.  Know better, do better and apologize for whatever you know was wrong, even if it was almost 20 years ago.  I also repented of letting him "cry it out" to try to get him to sleep through the night.  I also listened to other people and not my own gut instincts and heart on that one.  My other 5 kids never had to endure that misery.

 

 

These people in the paragraphs above also wrote marriage books which I also renounce. (Created to be His Helpmeet).  My friend is helping me see the damage of these books as well. I don't feel they affected our own marriage much since we were pretty well established in our marriage by the time they were written, but I can see how they cause a lot of shame, blame and guilt; and it's all on the wife.  The husband loves these books because his wife is constantly picking up the slack and the pieces (acting like a doormat), and the consequences from his choices made to which she has to adapt.  And taking the shame for having any of her own ideas, preferences or limitations.  It's a mess.  Marriage isn't considered a level playing field of a team where each work together in their God-given roles.  I'm sorry if I recommended these books to any of you, because I didn't see the damage of them back then, I thought they were pretty neutral and I'm sorry.  This could be a big reason that 80% of autoimmune diseases are in women. 

 

#4. Letting them and encouraging them to cry.  This one is a toughie for me because I always thought my job as a mom was to stop the crying.  And if they were crying, I was a bad mom.  Yes, I took it personally.  But crying is wonderful.  The more we respond to our kids when they cry, the less they will feel the need to cry.  We all need to cry.  It teaches them that it's ok to hurt when things are hurtful. There are so many benefits, but mainly I would say that we teach them that vulnerability is a strength, not a weakness.  And if our kids feel free coming to us with their tears, we must guard this vulnerability like a vault and never use it against them.  That is a rapid fire way to lose their trust.  When I started embracing crying instead of shutting it down, one of our kids cried for 2 hours, 3 days in a row. (I had given some Ignatia homeopathic remedy for grief).  I feel like a lifetime of tears came out and it hasn't happened again in such fervor.  Another child cried repeatedly over a hard situation and the same happened.  Both transformed our relationship between parent and child.  But, I had to just let them cry and not take on their pain myself (enmeshment, codependency where we can't tell what's ours and what is someone else's) but just comfort them or give them space, whatever they needed. 

 

 

This last one is key to relationship.  I love the meme below.  We could all work on our tone when we're annoyed, frustrated or angry ourselves.  And sometimes we need action and a friendly tone just doesn't work so well.  But, we also need to be able to say, "I need a break and we'll deal with this when we've both had a few minutes to think clearly" or any such words that bring the tone/angst back down.  Emotional reactions rarely end well.  We know this in our kids, and we know this in ourselves yet we succumb often enough, it seems.  Choose responding (taking time to think things through) over reacting (impulsively blurting out what you'll later regret and have to apologize for).

Resources~

• John Delony books 

• Dr Becky Kennedy at Good Inside (she's also been on Andrew Huberman and Lewis Howes podcasts and more)

• Calm Parenting Podcast with Kirk Martin (I haven't listened to a lot of these, but the ones I have have been good)

  

 

“Grace is one-way love. Grace is a gift with no strings attached. It is non-contingent, a compassionate alliance, unmerited favor, sacrificial love that seeks a person out at their most unlovable.” 

~David Zahl in The Big Relief

Christmas Letter 2024

Then spake Jesus again unto them, saying, I am the Light of the world: he that followeth me shall not walk in darkness, but shall have the light of life. ~John 8:12

December 2024

Greetings of love and peace to you this Christmas season! As I sit down to write, the only thought that comes to mind is the loss of my Mom this past year. Any other thoughts seem to be centered around that, or else a blur of adjusting or sustaining. Most of you likely know her story, but I’ll recap quickly for those who don’t, sharing my own perspective. My other family members each have their own story as well, which is just as valid, but each of us has our own story to tell. So today you get mine!

The year started out for me with a prayer of deliverance in general terms. I didn’t exactly know what this meant, but it just seemed that all of us are in some sort of bondage. Whether that was health limitations, binding thought patterns or habits, relationship or financial struggles, or whatever; we all suffer in some way or another in this earthly life. The Psalms are full of prayers of deliverance, so I added mine to the list.

Fast forward to April, when Mom was diagnosed with a stage IV 8x10cm cancerous liver tumor blocking the drainage ducts from her liver. We headed up to Alberta as a family to be there with her and Dad, and watch and wait to see how things unfolded. As they did, our extended family was able to stagger their visits to spend May and June at home with her, and then in July it was deemed time for hospice. She went to a beautiful hospice center where she was lovingly cared for that last month. She passed away July 24. Greg and I and kids drove the next trip up there for the funeral on Aug 6. (the day after what would have been her 74th birthday) All in all, I spent 6 weeks up there this spring and summer as I flew by myself 2 times as well.

It was then I realized that my prayer was answered. Mom was given deliverance from this world. It was not the way I anticipated nor expected, but her earthly concerns are all gone. She is free from the bondage that we all are left to grapple with. What a joy for her, but now what an empty spot we are all left to adjust to, especially Dad. Her goal is reached, her race has been run. (2 Timothy 4:7-8)

All fall we’ve spent catching up. Time doesn’t stop for things like this as you likely know. We appreciate all those who have reached out in love and care, and given grace for the ups and downs.

So, as I close, I wish you all the best in the coming year. I’m praying for whatever drags you down; that you may be given abundance, hope and life from the Light of the World who is Jesus, whose birth we celebrate now at Christmas. PS. If you want to know what our kids are all up to, just pull out your last years letter from me and reread it. It’s pretty much still all the same. Wash, rinse, repeat!

Love, Rachel and all

Finally...some good stuff to share! (Vibrational frequencies)

I finally have some good stuff to share with you.  That other stuff has been necessary and helpful, but kind of doom and gloomy, and I'm sure tired of it myself.  When my Mom was sick, the Master Herbalist recommended that we rub diluted frankincense oil on her feet twice a day, and that would help scavenge any free cancer cells in her blood stream.  That got me curious.  How does it do that?  I don't have all the answers, as it seems ridiculously hard to find just a little answer without getting a lot of answers.  You know?!  I just wanted to know a bit more than I do, not all the deep dive into each component and how they work on a chemistry level.  My brain isn't ready for that yet.  But, what I did find I'll share with you, and you can run with it (or not) however you like.  This infographic on Pinterest sparked the quest.  

Turns out you can measure these things with technology that Bruce Tainio of Tainio Technologies came up with, but on the internet it's hard to verify this kind of information. (there's lots of naysayers who are steeped in current trends) This blog sums up the science that I was going to share with you, where else you can find good information on how to use frequencies to increase (or decrease (but who wants that!) your health).  Some of these are super easy and you're probably already doing them. (Yay!) I wanted things that don't require any extra energy, time or money, and it turns out there are many free things.  Also, there are ways to increase frequency that might require just adjusting your life a smidgen (rewind your dinging clock hanging there on the wall, and talking nicely about other people?! That's doable!)  Some things do cost money, but some are easy like having to dust off all those essential oils you bought a few years ago and get them back into circulation.

In homeopathy, vibration is called "vital force".  It's the body's ability to heal itself.  Here's my lengthy list (hopefully you can find some things you can give yourself a high 5 that you're already doing), and then I'll list the things that may be lowering your frequency that may need tending to.  Hint:  thoughts are one of the biggest.  How we think about ourselves, and how we think about others.  Thoughts are inside of us 24/7 and guarding and guiding them is huge.  I don't want to lay any heavies on any of you, so please tread lightly and do what's doable.  I can really only tend to one thing at a time, so I do truly understand.

• Be in nature, walk on grass or beach, get grounded (easier in the summer, I know)
• Learn some relaxation breathing exercises
• Capture some stillness, preferably in nature, but sitting in  a quiet car works too, ask my kids
• Hot/cold therapy- showers, saunas, pools, hot tubs...get that blood flowing and heat it up!
• Play more, dance more, create more
• Feed your spiritual portion- praise, listen, fellowship, read
• Be in touch with your emotions- feel them, acknowledge them, let them go
• Open your heart- to love, to new opportunities, to healthier relationships
• Be thankful for what you have
• Exercise just a little bit more (1 rep, 1 minute, whatever)
• Talk positively of others, especially those you don't like or get along with or see things the same ways (not falsely, but look for the common humanity in everyone)
• Singing or humming 
• Deep breathing
• Laugh more whether with family or at a movie or however.  Get yourself laughing.
• Be present in the moment, not in the past or future
• Look for hope in all things
• Random acts of kindness/generosity
• Get some sunshine if you can
• Add some healing sounds to your life- music (look into 432hz vs 440 hz), 432hz wind chimes, chiming clocks, tuning fork sounds, etc.
• Forgiveness and/or reconciliation 
• Light a bonfire or watch your woodstove/fireplace
• Find your own style of beauty and increase it in your life (art, music, clothes, quotes, etc)
• Be a witness to your thoughts and emotions, not a victim. Observe them as if from an outsider
• Get those essential oils back out and start rubbing them on everyone and diffusing them in your house (the kind that smells the best to you is the one your body should be using)
• Try looking at a situation or problem from a new point of view ("What's another way I could look at this that I haven't thought of before?")
• Consult your friend Rachel for some personalized homeopathy remedies (free as test guinea pigs), or buy some Calm Drops  or Bach Flowers to get started calming your emotional dragons

(You'll notice that there's no diet or supplement suggestions on that list.  These are miniscule compared to our 70,000 thoughts per day.  Improving our thought patterns is the biggest changer of our mood and health.)

The best essential oil, if you have to go and buy one to raise the vibration in your life or home would be frankincense.  It's good for everyone and everything, and has quite a high vibration itself.  Rub 2 drops on your body twice a day, diluted in a carrier oil.  Castor oil penetrates the deepest of the oils, but any kind will do.  Or just get it going in your bath or diffuser. 

Things that cost money that raise frequency and also heal physical symptoms are things like infrared saunas, PEMF, Rife lights, red light therapy, biofeedback machines etc.  There's also indirect things like good Christian counseling, neuroplasticity exercises and neurofeedback machines which don't increase vibration directly, but they improve mood and help you rewire your brain from stuck thought patterns which indirectly will change your vibration to healthier levels over time.

Some things that lower our frequencies are:

• Negative thoughts and words (about our self or others)
• Judgements
• Too much news (or any!)
• Medications
• Alcohol
• Drugs
• Junk food/dead/canned food
• Lack of restful sleep
• Anxiety 
• Stress
• Loneliness (this is hard to admit, and hard to fix but is one of the biggies)
• Living in the past or dreading the future
• Being ungrateful
• Complaining
• Constant exposure to electronics/EMF
• Holding onto negative emotions
• Gossiping, criticizing (even to yourself) about others
• Arguing
• Worrying
• Over or undersleeping
• Fluoride
• People pleasing
• Listening to your ego 

I guess I'll have to put away the Gary Allan and bring out the Beach Boys.  Such is life!

(above quote from Healing Complex Kids with Homeopathy by Angelica Lemke) Awesome book!!

Another few gems below here from the same book to consider in cases of chronic health issues from the above book which talk about different diseases and what we can learn from them.

Lessons from:

Unbalanced thoughts from Strep/PANDAS: I am negative about myself and attack my sense of self.  I suppress my natural feelings because of expectations of how I'm supposed to be.  I should be perfect but I can't.

Balanced thoughts:  I am positive about my individuality and do not judge myself when I make mistakes.  I can openly express my feelings in the moment.

Unbalanced Mycoplasma/Lung infections:  I hold onto grief and it has become part of me.

Balanced:  I can freely express my emotions and let go of grief.

Unbalanced from Lyme:  I hold onto anger at the world because I am not in touch with my own natural self.  I feel isolated and/or abandoned.

Balanced:  I have the vital force to release my inner anger and can listen to my inner self and not feel pressured by everyone else.

Unbalanced from Parasites:  The world and other people oppress me and control me.  I can act out my powerlessness and anger from it.

Balanced: I forgive and love those who oppress me and take full responsibility to address what is holding me back and make my own life choices.

Unbalanced from Viruses/Flus:  I am going, going, going.  I have to do, do, do. Obsess, obsess, obsess, think, think, think.   I ignore the needs of my body to the expectations of the environment around me.  I can't relax.

Balanced:  I can slow down and be in the present moment.  I am grounded and can rest as I need to.

Unbalanced from Candida/Yeast:  I passively let others take over so I can remain like a dependent child, ungrounded and free of responsibility in a chaotic world.  I am ok in my comfort zone, giving into cravings and instant gratification so I can be spacey and contented.

Balanced:  I am in touch with passion and inner fire which drives me into strong action and self autonomy through will power and clear presence of mind.

So much to ponder on our healing journey!

_________________

Sometimes it can be hard to know whether we're actually healing our past or just regurgitating it again and again.  This chart was helpful for me of whether I was ruminating (not good) or processing (good) when thoughts and memories come up.  These new thought patterns help us raise vibration too.  Instead of being just a broken record for the rest of our lives!

This chart below is on the wall at our chiropractor's.  Lookie where you find guilt and shame.  No wonder I felt so crappy all these years.  Sigh.  But, now joy and peace are moving in more and more with new healing and habits.  It's possible.  

*****And remember, emotions govern our body functions, which governs health or disease.  It isn't disease governing the emotions. *****

This below reminder is because my go-to is to try to fix everyone else.  I'm sorry if I've done that to you.  I'm trying to learn better how to react.  This drains a ton of energy with no benefits.

This remedy above (Natrum Muriaticum) is the remedy that I've found the most healing from.  It's said that 80% of our society could use it, which I'd actually say might be higher than that especially in North America where we are all immigrants a few generations back.

And then when you start healing, good things start happening.  Our vibration emanates us (some say 10 feet around us), and so when we are low, we end up surrounding ourselves with things of the same frequency.  That's why often people down on their luck find more of the same.  Or people have trouble rising above their situations.  But, if just one person starts to raise their own frequency, then others around them will start to raise their own.  It's hard to talk about this without getting into questionable new-agey woo-woo stuff, but this is true from a Christian standpoint, and from a science standpoint.   Just think about spending the day with someone struggling with depression, anxiety or severe illness.  It drags you down.  I'm not suggesting you avoid all these things, but realize that they will sap your energy and then you can go home and do things to bring it back up.  If you're super low yourself, then realize your time should be spent raising your own first and not trying to raise other people's quite yet!  If you're a parent, your kids are reflecting your own energy.  Heal yourself and you'll find that they heal.  They sense your fear, anxiety, depression even more clearly than you likely do.  They know when you're lying to them, pretending things are better or worse than they really are.  They are actually more intuitive than us adults who have oodles of coping mechanisms in place.  I recently listened to a podcast from a homeopath (of 40 years) who said she doesn't even treat kids anymore unless the parents get treated first.  She said she would just be wasting her time.  Our children are often a mirror of where we ourselves need to heal and grow.  It's kind of amazing, but rather scary too!

This type of healing is super low and slow, but you'll catch little glimpses of joy seeping in where you used to have heaviness.  You'll find that one day you don't feel the need to complain about someone else or the government, or you don't find yourself judging what other people should or shouldn't be doing.  You'll see that you have enough on your own plate to focus on, and that you ain't got no time to be complaining about others.  You've got to get busy and "Brighten the Corner Where You Are".

This is easy in the summer, but hard the rest of the year.  Try to get your feet in the grass or sand, even for a few minutes.  You can also buy earthing shoes, mats, and other gear to make this more doable.  Concrete doesn't count, as far as I can tell as most has sealants on it.

Sources:

Vibe, by Robyn Openshaw