Rethinking parenting

So, it's almost been 20 years since I became a parent, and you'd think I have some things down pat by now.  Which I do.  But, there's plenty I don't.  I've made several changes over these last few years as I've learned about "emotional maturity", and as I've done so it's required me to apologize to my kids and then repent of ways that in my ignorance I've caused harm and/or neglect to their developing selves.  I've had a few instances where this played out in the past couple weeks, and I just want to share them.  The old way I would have handled something vs. the new way.

 

#1.  We were at the dentist the other day, a place we all love.  One of my kids was waiting for his checkup fearing if he had some cavities, and we ended up waiting longer than usual. (more than 1/2 hour)  He says to me, "I'm feeling really restless having to wait this long".  I agreed with him that I dislike waiting in dentist or doctor's offices as well and suggested he do a few jumping jacks to relieve his restlessness.   This worked and all was well.     (validate feelings, help him understand it in his body)

In the old days with my older kids, they wouldn't have known what restless even meant because I didn't teach them to name their emotions.  They would have started pestering their siblings the longer the wait was, and possibly fighting, but still never being able to put a name to it so I could know what was going on inside their bodies.  Then I would have reprimanded them for being "naughty" and told them to smarten up and act like mini adults (I wouldn't have said that but expected that!) when I myself would have been feeling restless as well. Then I would have been constantly scanning the waiting room wondering if my kids were being a nuisance to the other people, and taken it personally if they were.  The new method alleviated it all, while not changing our circumstances at all.

 

A lot of this requires separating the behavior from the character.  We all have bad days, rough seasons and "naughtiness", but this doesn't make us a bad person.  We have a sin nature, but we've also been created in the image of God and are His child, with Jesus occupying our hearts and washing away our sins, faults and shortcomings in His grace on a continual basis.  For me it's so ingrained to think bad behavior=bad kid, but that's simply not true.  And helping our kids see this is crucial in their view of themselves for the rest of their lives.

 

#2.  Last week two of my older kids were fighting as we were headed out the door and already late.  I lost it and yelled at both and pulled them apart and degraded them.  Yup.  And then when we were all in the car and headed down the road, I knew I should apologize but I couldn't.  It took me at least 5 miles of driving with a battle in my head of "I'm sorry I freaked out, but you guys were acting ridiculous and should know better" or "I'm sorry I lost it but you guys made me" or "I'm sorry I yelled but if you had done what you were supposed to be doing I wouldn't have lost my temper".  All the "buts" and "you should haves" (blame/shame).  

The truth was I lost it because I lost it.  I yelled because I let myself let them "have it" because it felt good in the moment to release some frustration.  I degraded them because my angst was already great and I wanted them to feel as bad as I was feeling already.  The long and short was my reaction (or lack thereof) was all on me.  So, I finally swallowed my pride and said, "I'm sorry I freaked out on you and acted so immaturely.  That was wrong of me, and it wasn't your fault."  These type of apologies are really, really hard for me to do.  (Owning all of my behavior with no excuses).

 

This page below out of a book I'm reading was helpful. (Raising Emotionally Mature Boys, yes, I know it's a bit late for this!)

 

I've heard many apologies over the years that I don't really think are apologies either.  I still believe God forgives through them, they just are frosted thick with blame and shame so don't really help repair any brokenness.  I'm sure you've heard your share as well.  And so have our kids, from us, unfortunately.   

 

Here's a few that come to mind~

"I'm sorry you didn't like what I said"

"I'm sorry if I *might* have offended you" (no admittance to doing anything wrong, far too vague)

"I'm sorry for any hurt feelings" (still no admitting of any wrong doing) 

"I'm sorry for acting out, but you were doing ..... that provoked me" (blaming, not owning)

"Don't make me lose it" (it is frightening for a child to think they have that much power and that their parent is not in control)

One of my friends has said that her mom was convicted 20-30+ years later of the anger she had had when her kids were small.  She called each one of the 12 of them, and apologized and owned it all.  She didn't blame it on stress, or her naughty kids; instead she owned that what she had done was wrong.  This daughter felt heard/recognized instead of believing she was {part of} her mom's anger all those years.  Another friend said a family member lived in fear her whole childhood because her mom would say, "don't make me mad or I might have a heart attack".  The kids lived in fear they might kill their mother at any misdeed, even if accidental.  Poor kids!

 

  

 

#3.  This last one that comes to mind today is a doozy.  It goes back almost those 20 years.  It means apologizing for how we parented and caused habits that now need to be undone, if they even can be.  Back when our oldest was a toddler, everyone we knew was training their children with the To Train Up a Child books.  Everyone in all the circles we knew.  In AZ and WA.  And they seemed Biblical.  The main component of these methods and books was to have compliance from the child at all levels and in all places.  There was no room for error as a parent, or room for a 'lazy day' or your child would be back to square one with the discipline.  This caused me to be very diligent at "winning" any power struggles with my then toddler.  We had significant holdouts where I was determined to win the battle of wills at any cost, this would cement me as the authority that my child must obey.  Sadly, it's not that simple.  I discarded this parenting style pretty quickly, but not without long term damage.  My oldest child learned that his opinion didn't matter, especially in areas where anger was involved (the greatest sin).  [Note the lack of grace for both parents and children]

 

Since then, I have learned that often anger is a sense of injustice, whether real or perceived.  Our toddlers have an idea of how they want things, and often turn up angry when that cannot be fulfilled.  My new kind of parenting did listen better and brought them close to me when things got heated instead of using love/connection as leverage to get compliance, but I had shut this child down far too many times already.  He's now an adult and has little idea how to handle inner anger or senses of injustice.  

 

The child doesn't feel worthy of having feelings because I didn't know how to teach these things back then, because my own feelings were completely shut down inside of me.  He has no emotional vocabulary because I didn't teach him that.  Although I changed my parenting as soon as I could (it just felt wrong to my heart to do this), some damage was done.  I realize this is multifaceted and I'm not only to blame, but I also knew I needed to repent of this damage I recognize I caused due to my ignorance back then.  Know better, do better and apologize for whatever you know was wrong, even if it was almost 20 years ago.  I also repented of letting him "cry it out" to try to get him to sleep through the night.  I also listened to other people and not my own gut instincts and heart on that one.  My other 5 kids never had to endure that misery.

 

 

These people in the paragraphs above also wrote marriage books which I also renounce. (Created to be His Helpmeet).  My friend is helping me see the damage of these books as well. I don't feel they affected our own marriage much since we were pretty well established in our marriage by the time they were written, but I can see how they cause a lot of shame, blame and guilt; and it's all on the wife.  The husband loves these books because his wife is constantly picking up the slack and the pieces (acting like a doormat), and the consequences from his choices made to which she has to adapt.  And taking the shame for having any of her own ideas, preferences or limitations.  It's a mess.  Marriage isn't considered a level playing field of a team where each work together in their God-given roles.  I'm sorry if I recommended these books to any of you, because I didn't see the damage of them back then, I thought they were pretty neutral and I'm sorry.  This could be a big reason that 80% of autoimmune diseases are in women. 

 

#4. Letting them and encouraging them to cry.  This one is a toughie for me because I always thought my job as a mom was to stop the crying.  And if they were crying, I was a bad mom.  Yes, I took it personally.  But crying is wonderful.  The more we respond to our kids when they cry, the less they will feel the need to cry.  We all need to cry.  It teaches them that it's ok to hurt when things are hurtful. There are so many benefits, but mainly I would say that we teach them that vulnerability is a strength, not a weakness.  And if our kids feel free coming to us with their tears, we must guard this vulnerability like a vault and never use it against them.  That is a rapid fire way to lose their trust.  When I started embracing crying instead of shutting it down, one of our kids cried for 2 hours, 3 days in a row. (I had given some Ignatia homeopathic remedy for grief).  I feel like a lifetime of tears came out and it hasn't happened again in such fervor.  Another child cried repeatedly over a hard situation and the same happened.  Both transformed our relationship between parent and child.  But, I had to just let them cry and not take on their pain myself (enmeshment, codependency where we can't tell what's ours and what is someone else's) but just comfort them or give them space, whatever they needed. 

 

 

This last one is key to relationship.  I love the meme below.  We could all work on our tone when we're annoyed, frustrated or angry ourselves.  And sometimes we need action and a friendly tone just doesn't work so well.  But, we also need to be able to say, "I need a break and we'll deal with this when we've both had a few minutes to think clearly" or any such words that bring the tone/angst back down.  Emotional reactions rarely end well.  We know this in our kids, and we know this in ourselves yet we succumb often enough, it seems.  Choose responding (taking time to think things through) over reacting (impulsively blurting out what you'll later regret and have to apologize for).

Resources~

• John Delony books 

• Dr Becky Kennedy at Good Inside (she's also been on Andrew Huberman and Lewis Howes podcasts and more)

• Calm Parenting Podcast with Kirk Martin (I haven't listened to a lot of these, but the ones I have have been good)

  

 

“Grace is one-way love. Grace is a gift with no strings attached. It is non-contingent, a compassionate alliance, unmerited favor, sacrificial love that seeks a person out at their most unlovable.” 

~David Zahl in The Big Relief

Christmas Letter 2024

Then spake Jesus again unto them, saying, I am the Light of the world: he that followeth me shall not walk in darkness, but shall have the light of life. ~John 8:12

December 2024

Greetings of love and peace to you this Christmas season! As I sit down to write, the only thought that comes to mind is the loss of my Mom this past year. Any other thoughts seem to be centered around that, or else a blur of adjusting or sustaining. Most of you likely know her story, but I’ll recap quickly for those who don’t, sharing my own perspective. My other family members each have their own story as well, which is just as valid, but each of us has our own story to tell. So today you get mine!

The year started out for me with a prayer of deliverance in general terms. I didn’t exactly know what this meant, but it just seemed that all of us are in some sort of bondage. Whether that was health limitations, binding thought patterns or habits, relationship or financial struggles, or whatever; we all suffer in some way or another in this earthly life. The Psalms are full of prayers of deliverance, so I added mine to the list.

Fast forward to April, when Mom was diagnosed with a stage IV 8x10cm cancerous liver tumor blocking the drainage ducts from her liver. We headed up to Alberta as a family to be there with her and Dad, and watch and wait to see how things unfolded. As they did, our extended family was able to stagger their visits to spend May and June at home with her, and then in July it was deemed time for hospice. She went to a beautiful hospice center where she was lovingly cared for that last month. She passed away July 24. Greg and I and kids drove the next trip up there for the funeral on Aug 6. (the day after what would have been her 74th birthday) All in all, I spent 6 weeks up there this spring and summer as I flew by myself 2 times as well.

It was then I realized that my prayer was answered. Mom was given deliverance from this world. It was not the way I anticipated nor expected, but her earthly concerns are all gone. She is free from the bondage that we all are left to grapple with. What a joy for her, but now what an empty spot we are all left to adjust to, especially Dad. Her goal is reached, her race has been run. (2 Timothy 4:7-8)

All fall we’ve spent catching up. Time doesn’t stop for things like this as you likely know. We appreciate all those who have reached out in love and care, and given grace for the ups and downs.

So, as I close, I wish you all the best in the coming year. I’m praying for whatever drags you down; that you may be given abundance, hope and life from the Light of the World who is Jesus, whose birth we celebrate now at Christmas. PS. If you want to know what our kids are all up to, just pull out your last years letter from me and reread it. It’s pretty much still all the same. Wash, rinse, repeat!

Love, Rachel and all

Finally...some good stuff to share! (Vibrational frequencies)

I finally have some good stuff to share with you.  That other stuff has been necessary and helpful, but kind of doom and gloomy, and I'm sure tired of it myself.  When my Mom was sick, the Master Herbalist recommended that we rub diluted frankincense oil on her feet twice a day, and that would help scavenge any free cancer cells in her blood stream.  That got me curious.  How does it do that?  I don't have all the answers, as it seems ridiculously hard to find just a little answer without getting a lot of answers.  You know?!  I just wanted to know a bit more than I do, not all the deep dive into each component and how they work on a chemistry level.  My brain isn't ready for that yet.  But, what I did find I'll share with you, and you can run with it (or not) however you like.  This infographic on Pinterest sparked the quest.  

Turns out you can measure these things with technology that Bruce Tainio of Tainio Technologies came up with, but on the internet it's hard to verify this kind of information. (there's lots of naysayers who are steeped in current trends) This blog sums up the science that I was going to share with you, where else you can find good information on how to use frequencies to increase (or decrease (but who wants that!) your health).  Some of these are super easy and you're probably already doing them. (Yay!) I wanted things that don't require any extra energy, time or money, and it turns out there are many free things.  Also, there are ways to increase frequency that might require just adjusting your life a smidgen (rewind your dinging clock hanging there on the wall, and talking nicely about other people?! That's doable!)  Some things do cost money, but some are easy like having to dust off all those essential oils you bought a few years ago and get them back into circulation.

In homeopathy, vibration is called "vital force".  It's the body's ability to heal itself.  Here's my lengthy list (hopefully you can find some things you can give yourself a high 5 that you're already doing), and then I'll list the things that may be lowering your frequency that may need tending to.  Hint:  thoughts are one of the biggest.  How we think about ourselves, and how we think about others.  Thoughts are inside of us 24/7 and guarding and guiding them is huge.  I don't want to lay any heavies on any of you, so please tread lightly and do what's doable.  I can really only tend to one thing at a time, so I do truly understand.

• Be in nature, walk on grass or beach, get grounded (easier in the summer, I know)
• Learn some relaxation breathing exercises
• Capture some stillness, preferably in nature, but sitting in  a quiet car works too, ask my kids
• Hot/cold therapy- showers, saunas, pools, hot tubs...get that blood flowing and heat it up!
• Play more, dance more, create more
• Feed your spiritual portion- praise, listen, fellowship, read
• Be in touch with your emotions- feel them, acknowledge them, let them go
• Open your heart- to love, to new opportunities, to healthier relationships
• Be thankful for what you have
• Exercise just a little bit more (1 rep, 1 minute, whatever)
• Talk positively of others, especially those you don't like or get along with or see things the same ways (not falsely, but look for the common humanity in everyone)
• Singing or humming 
• Deep breathing
• Laugh more whether with family or at a movie or however.  Get yourself laughing.
• Be present in the moment, not in the past or future
• Look for hope in all things
• Random acts of kindness/generosity
• Get some sunshine if you can
• Add some healing sounds to your life- music (look into 432hz vs 440 hz), 432hz wind chimes, chiming clocks, tuning fork sounds, etc.
• Forgiveness and/or reconciliation 
• Light a bonfire or watch your woodstove/fireplace
• Find your own style of beauty and increase it in your life (art, music, clothes, quotes, etc)
• Be a witness to your thoughts and emotions, not a victim. Observe them as if from an outsider
• Get those essential oils back out and start rubbing them on everyone and diffusing them in your house (the kind that smells the best to you is the one your body should be using)
• Try looking at a situation or problem from a new point of view ("What's another way I could look at this that I haven't thought of before?")
• Consult your friend Rachel for some personalized homeopathy remedies (free as test guinea pigs), or buy some Calm Drops  or Bach Flowers to get started calming your emotional dragons

(You'll notice that there's no diet or supplement suggestions on that list.  These are miniscule compared to our 70,000 thoughts per day.  Improving our thought patterns is the biggest changer of our mood and health.)

The best essential oil, if you have to go and buy one to raise the vibration in your life or home would be frankincense.  It's good for everyone and everything, and has quite a high vibration itself.  Rub 2 drops on your body twice a day, diluted in a carrier oil.  Castor oil penetrates the deepest of the oils, but any kind will do.  Or just get it going in your bath or diffuser. 

Things that cost money that raise frequency and also heal physical symptoms are things like infrared saunas, PEMF, Rife lights, red light therapy, biofeedback machines etc.  There's also indirect things like good Christian counseling, neuroplasticity exercises and neurofeedback machines which don't increase vibration directly, but they improve mood and help you rewire your brain from stuck thought patterns which indirectly will change your vibration to healthier levels over time.

Some things that lower our frequencies are:

• Negative thoughts and words (about our self or others)
• Judgements
• Too much news (or any!)
• Medications
• Alcohol
• Drugs
• Junk food/dead/canned food
• Lack of restful sleep
• Anxiety 
• Stress
• Loneliness (this is hard to admit, and hard to fix but is one of the biggies)
• Living in the past or dreading the future
• Being ungrateful
• Complaining
• Constant exposure to electronics/EMF
• Holding onto negative emotions
• Gossiping, criticizing (even to yourself) about others
• Arguing
• Worrying
• Over or undersleeping
• Fluoride
• People pleasing
• Listening to your ego 

I guess I'll have to put away the Gary Allan and bring out the Beach Boys.  Such is life!

(above quote from Healing Complex Kids with Homeopathy by Angelica Lemke) Awesome book!!

Another few gems below here from the same book to consider in cases of chronic health issues from the above book which talk about different diseases and what we can learn from them.

Lessons from:

Unbalanced thoughts from Strep/PANDAS: I am negative about myself and attack my sense of self.  I suppress my natural feelings because of expectations of how I'm supposed to be.  I should be perfect but I can't.

Balanced thoughts:  I am positive about my individuality and do not judge myself when I make mistakes.  I can openly express my feelings in the moment.

Unbalanced Mycoplasma/Lung infections:  I hold onto grief and it has become part of me.

Balanced:  I can freely express my emotions and let go of grief.

Unbalanced from Lyme:  I hold onto anger at the world because I am not in touch with my own natural self.  I feel isolated and/or abandoned.

Balanced:  I have the vital force to release my inner anger and can listen to my inner self and not feel pressured by everyone else.

Unbalanced from Parasites:  The world and other people oppress me and control me.  I can act out my powerlessness and anger from it.

Balanced: I forgive and love those who oppress me and take full responsibility to address what is holding me back and make my own life choices.

Unbalanced from Viruses/Flus:  I am going, going, going.  I have to do, do, do. Obsess, obsess, obsess, think, think, think.   I ignore the needs of my body to the expectations of the environment around me.  I can't relax.

Balanced:  I can slow down and be in the present moment.  I am grounded and can rest as I need to.

Unbalanced from Candida/Yeast:  I passively let others take over so I can remain like a dependent child, ungrounded and free of responsibility in a chaotic world.  I am ok in my comfort zone, giving into cravings and instant gratification so I can be spacey and contented.

Balanced:  I am in touch with passion and inner fire which drives me into strong action and self autonomy through will power and clear presence of mind.

So much to ponder on our healing journey!

_________________

Sometimes it can be hard to know whether we're actually healing our past or just regurgitating it again and again.  This chart was helpful for me of whether I was ruminating (not good) or processing (good) when thoughts and memories come up.  These new thought patterns help us raise vibration too.  Instead of being just a broken record for the rest of our lives!

This chart below is on the wall at our chiropractor's.  Lookie where you find guilt and shame.  No wonder I felt so crappy all these years.  Sigh.  But, now joy and peace are moving in more and more with new healing and habits.  It's possible.  

*****And remember, emotions govern our body functions, which governs health or disease.  It isn't disease governing the emotions. *****

This below reminder is because my go-to is to try to fix everyone else.  I'm sorry if I've done that to you.  I'm trying to learn better how to react.  This drains a ton of energy with no benefits.

This remedy above (Natrum Muriaticum) is the remedy that I've found the most healing from.  It's said that 80% of our society could use it, which I'd actually say might be higher than that especially in North America where we are all immigrants a few generations back.

And then when you start healing, good things start happening.  Our vibration emanates us (some say 10 feet around us), and so when we are low, we end up surrounding ourselves with things of the same frequency.  That's why often people down on their luck find more of the same.  Or people have trouble rising above their situations.  But, if just one person starts to raise their own frequency, then others around them will start to raise their own.  It's hard to talk about this without getting into questionable new-agey woo-woo stuff, but this is true from a Christian standpoint, and from a science standpoint.   Just think about spending the day with someone struggling with depression, anxiety or severe illness.  It drags you down.  I'm not suggesting you avoid all these things, but realize that they will sap your energy and then you can go home and do things to bring it back up.  If you're super low yourself, then realize your time should be spent raising your own first and not trying to raise other people's quite yet!  If you're a parent, your kids are reflecting your own energy.  Heal yourself and you'll find that they heal.  They sense your fear, anxiety, depression even more clearly than you likely do.  They know when you're lying to them, pretending things are better or worse than they really are.  They are actually more intuitive than us adults who have oodles of coping mechanisms in place.  I recently listened to a podcast from a homeopath (of 40 years) who said she doesn't even treat kids anymore unless the parents get treated first.  She said she would just be wasting her time.  Our children are often a mirror of where we ourselves need to heal and grow.  It's kind of amazing, but rather scary too!

This type of healing is super low and slow, but you'll catch little glimpses of joy seeping in where you used to have heaviness.  You'll find that one day you don't feel the need to complain about someone else or the government, or you don't find yourself judging what other people should or shouldn't be doing.  You'll see that you have enough on your own plate to focus on, and that you ain't got no time to be complaining about others.  You've got to get busy and "Brighten the Corner Where You Are".

This is easy in the summer, but hard the rest of the year.  Try to get your feet in the grass or sand, even for a few minutes.  You can also buy earthing shoes, mats, and other gear to make this more doable.  Concrete doesn't count, as far as I can tell as most has sealants on it.

Sources:

Vibe, by Robyn Openshaw

Guilt, control, ego and identity- how they all fit together

I'm having a bit (or a lot!) of trouble figuring out how to piece this all together, but it does go together.  As you well know, my life runs on guilt.  I spend most of my days feeling guilty about something.  I did learn the difference between real guilt and false guilt, and I would say that 95%+ of mine is false.  I've tried my whole life to be "good enough" in the eyes of others (mostly people whose approval I seek- family and close friends, particularly elders). I listen to their complaints, opinions, judgements and advice, and want to please them (and avoid their disapproval, which they freely offer).  But, no matter how much I do, there's always more on the lists.  I could eat better, school my kids better, have less struggles if I'd only do what they say.  I do see now that likely they are getting a dopamine hit every time they offer suggestions/solutions, and the advice makes them feel better, with no regards to what the receiver is doing with the information. (How often do they go home and prayerfully seek an answer or measure advice before spouting it out?)  They likely don't know that I have a bulging file in my brain of all the things I "should" and "shouldn't" do from a lifetime of listening to them.  Although I know with my head that I don't need to listen nor seek their approval, my heart still wants to.  It's a constant battle.  I don't want to be gossiped about (it'd be a lofty idea to think that I'm not!) nor do I want to be blamed if bad things happen in my life (as is a common coping mechanism "if so-and-so would have....; this wouldn't have happened") I live in constant fear of being blamed if bad things should happen to my immediate family by other people's judgements, not reality.  Particularly elders who have nothing to do but speculate on why other people are doing (or not doing) what they are doing.  The outside birds-eye view perspective is supposed to hold some value, which it really doesn't.

Here's a good definition of true vs false guilt.  I don't have source on it, it was shared with me~

"True guilt is the negative feeling we have when we harm others. False guilt, on the other hand, is a negative feeling triggered by not living up to standards that are no longer realistic or because of things outside our control.

Feeling guilty over someone's disapproval or not living up to their expectations is false guilt.

True guilt comes when you are responsible for the action or event that occurred. False or inappropriate guilt comes when you feel responsible for a particular event, when in reality you had no power or control over the outcome."

https://www.focusonthefamily.com/get-help/the-origins-of-false-guilt/

This quote below sums up what most of us want when we're struggling.  We just want to be heard, to know we aren't alone.  We don't want to be told how we can do better, because that just leads us to shame for being human.  The thoughts in my head basically say, "If I did better, I wouldn't be struggling, so I guess I'm the problem here." (not that the problem is the problem) Whenever we focus on the person instead of the problem itself, the person receiving it feels shame.  Separating the person from the behavior/struggle is essential here too.  We all fail, make bad choices, didn't see the best options, or just plain things didn't turn out as well as we hoped.  This doesn't make us the bad guy.  It just means we live in a fallen world.  Someone who is firm about a decision (for their own reasons) doesn't become "stubborn" or "rebellious" just because their list of reasons doesn't make sense to us.  This is what defining someone means later on when I get to the controlling people portion.  Calling someone stupid because one thing they said was stupid is the same sort of thing.  Our behavior is not our character.  We likely are just a good person (redeemed by Christ) having a hard time for the day, the week or even a longer season.  It takes a lot of badness for it to actually define our character as such.  A good way to approach a confusing situation is to ask yourself, "what is my most generous interpretation of their words/behavior?"  Whenever I've done this, my answer has always been "I don't know".  I don't have to go to worst case scenario or flaws in their character.  I just plain don't know because I haven't asked them and I can't read their mind.  This alone takes plenty of judgement out of relationships and interactions.  And the responsibility for "fixing" them.

Here's just one simple example in the day of the life of me.  I took a child to the dentist last week and had anxiety on the way.  I knew my child had cavities, and I was getting them taken care of.  But, I also knew that I would be given a lecture on more brushing, more flossing, less sugar and more diligence on my part, because I've been to the dentist enough times before.  There's no heed paid to the efforts I do take to promote healthy teeth for my kids, the only concern is that if they have cavities, I need to be doing more.  Doesn't matter that my Mom just died, or that life may be upside down in a myriad of possible ways, I just "should" be doing more.  Doesn't matter if there's underlying reasons for the cavities (tongue ties, gluten intolerance, reflux, etc) either.  And sadly, for some of those of us who don't like getting shamed, it works.  We do more, and more, and more.  Shaming does work much of the time, until it doesn't.  Until we have find addictions to ease the internal pain, or at the far end of the coping spectrum- suicide.  

The next connection today is about controlling others.  Part of the advice giving and solutions is to try to control outcomes.  We don't like to see people struggle and we want them to be better and life to be swell.  But that's out of our control.  God's got this!  Would we want to take away from someone's spiritual growth because we meddled?  Would we take away valuable life lessons for someone because we thought we knew better than they did or God did by offering our pathetic solutions?  Do we think ourselves so high and mighty that we know best?  Or are we just trying to control the uncontrollable to make ourselves feel safe and secure?  It could be all of these or none of these.  I recently read a book called Controlling People that had lots of good stuff to offer.  It was hard to read in that if anyone is self-aware, they will honestly ask themselves if they are the controller or the controlled.  As we all should.  None of us gets off with none of the tendencies.  Here's my summary below, although there was a lot more in it.  Also, we learn there are many more ways of controlling others than I knew existed.  

If you think you don't control others, these two articles are excellent.  We all do it to get what we want!  Especially us moms raising kids.  Here and here.  

These most controlling tendencies come from people who don't have a stable sense of self, and who try to control others externally because their internal self is very fragile or unstable.  They need to use externals to feel safe and secure.  If they can control others, then they themselves feel more secure.   Except that this doesn't ever work or last too long because a boat on the water will always have waves to deal with.  How do we end up with an unstable identity?  Mostly from adults when we were young telling us who we were (defining us) and how we felt and what we thought; and it didn't line up with who we thought we were on the inside.  Examples of this are a child falls down and the parent says, "get up, you aren't hurt". The child knows that they are hurt but the parent (or trusted figure) is telling them they are not.  Another would be a child wanting vanilla ice cream at an ice cream shop.  The parent says, "why don't you try rocky road, strawberry, or Neapolitan? Vanilla is so boring."  The child knows that the parent disapproves of their child choosing such a boring flavor and starts to feel shame over this.  Or a child is fearful in a new place, and the parent tells them, "there's nothing to be afraid of" and dismisses their fears instead of comforting them in them.  If this happens often enough, the child can't tell anymore what are their own thoughts, ideas and feelings; and what has been told them by someone else.  They can't tell themselves apart from the people who tell them who they are or aren't, or this or that.  (This also becomes their ego when they become an adult).  

As adults this moves into people making firm judgements about other people, diagnosing other people, assuming motives or intentions, and of course, using shame to get people to "do better".  This absolutely crushes our identity of who we are on the inside.  The people who do this often have a pretend life running in their brain that says how life should be, and they use these narratives to make it align.  They perceive you how they want you to be, not how you actually are.  Long and short is, when someone else makes up your "reality" for you, they are trying to control you even if they don't realize it.  It is often very subtle and unconscious on their behalf.  If someone claims [pretends] to know your thoughts or intentions, you know they are in an illusion.  How can anyone read someone else's mind?  Here's some ways to know if someone is controlling others through illusions~

• they define other groups or people (they know the truth!) often black/white, right/wrong
• only their definition is true (others don't know as well as they do!)
• they know what other people think, feel, are trying to do, means, should do, should be, wants, needs, intends, did, expects
• they are right, their behavior is normal (not odd), they are independent and self-reliant, they "know" God's will better than other people do

On the receiving end of these kind of controlling beliefs, people are told that~

• it is perfectly reasonable for one person to define another 
• we are stuck with this definition whether true or untrue
• we do not have the right to our own opinions
• we can earn love and acceptance by abdicating to the person with the controlling beliefs/judgements
• we become "successful" when we fulfill another person's vision of us, even when it in no way supports our own
• we must seek permission to act in our own story

Controllers often feel threatened if the other person shows individuality.  This can be through opinions, new ideas, requests, questions, expressions, beliefs, misgivings or apprehension.  If the other person shows separateness in any of these ways, this is threatening.  In a healthy relationship, separateness that shows uniqueness is appreciated and valued.  Any realities that don't conform to the controller's belief system threaten it.  Because they are alienated from a firm inner sense of self, it's their beliefs that hold them together.  They need external reassurance that they are who they believe themselves to be.  This is why they need to dismiss or correct anyone who has opposing views than they do.  Extreme cases show people giving up their integrity and resorting to deception to maintain their internal image of themselves and can almost become "life or death" to them.  The need to be right and the need to look good to others trumps all else.  Paradoxically, controlling people often see themselves as self-reliant but they rely solely on others to maintain their belief systems and uphold their fragile identity.  They often carry a banner of rugged independence while attempting to dismantle other people's individuality at the same time.   

At the same time, there are many cultural prescriptions needed to maintain the illusion that someone's life is under control.  These could be in the form of dress or living in a certain kind of house.  Or you need x,y,z to be happy or successful.  These expectations are not only put upon themselves but voiced to others on a regular basis as well.  Fear is closely linked in here, because as you can likely guess, when there's this many balls to juggle, one of them is bound to drop at any given moment.  Life is a house of cards.  There's a fear of being found out to be a fraud, a fear of not living up to their own list, a fear that other people won't maintain their illusion and then the control bands bind tighter.  And most of all, a fear of their own life experience with all it's feelings, intuitions and sensations which they've been taught to push down deep inside them for decades. What would happen if those came pouring out?!  If their feelings do come out by any slip of the guard, they quickly blame them on someone else.  Anger, anxiety and emotional pain do not (in their minds) have anything to do with their disconnection or unreasonable expectations.  To admit they are wrong about anything would shatter their image they have created of themselves and their world.  "If I admit I'm wrong in any way, then my whole being is wrong".

As explained, controlling people create an illusion of life, and create "pretend" people out of the people in their life.  These pretend people act as characters in their made up story.  The controllers want everyone to be of "one mind" with them, and will go to great lengths to ensure this.  One of these ways is to bond together against change itself.  They will go to great lengths to keep a tight grip on status quo, to keep things just as they are.  In a family unit this could mean discouraging the marriage of adult children or certain belief systems, or in a job setting this could be maintaining conformity over creativity.  Keeping a tight grip on status quo is much harder these days with the access everyone has to more information and the internet, and we can see how this is dismantling many false narratives in all of our lives (for the better).  

On the receiving end of this, being "controlled" is just as damaging.  People are told what they can and can't think and do, usually very subtly and unconsciously on the part of the controller.  They have to just slightly diminish any other thoughts or ideas, opinions or feelings of the receiver to maintain the perceived status quo in their heads.  If they can succeed in "defining" the other person, they can maintain the illusion.  If the receivers lose their own self-awareness, they also lose freedom of choice.  If they base their choices on what they've been told rather than their own experiences, they gradually lose their own identity and start to believe the confabulations that they hear. "I guess I'm too sensitive.  What's wrong with me?" (insert shame now whenever we're defined)

The way to heal this is to face our fears (if we are the controller).  This means connecting to our inner experience with all it's good and bad feelings and sensations.  It's to get to know ourselves again.  As we connect to ourselves, we also will begin to truly connect with others.  One really good way to do this is to start journaling.  Start writing your thoughts, ideas and beliefs down, without anyone else analyzing it.  What do I really think?  Feel?  Believe?  We have to start tossing out the ego (the list of things people told us we are or should be) and the expectations we've created about how life "should" be.  This is a ton of work, but the freedom that comes with it is worth it.  Life won't be so scary when we live in reality rather than an illusion.  Our fears will be manageable.  

Look for ways that we are all unified in the human experience of life.  Start appreciating other points of view rather than dismissing them or pointing out the failings of them.  Realize that God made each and every one of us unique and beautiful.  Realize that our world is not a mechanical set of rules and rituals, but an interconnected group of vibrational energy flowing in and out of all living beings (quantum physics) from one of us to another.  It's so much bigger than our meager attempts to control what we can see around us.  Realize that we are separate beings from everyone else, but also connected to everyone and everything else.

How can we bring this to light if we are on the receiving end of the controlling?  The easiest is to just say, "what?" after a judgment or defining statement has been made.  This asks for further explanation that words aren't just taken at face value, asks for clarity of something that doesn't make sense, brings attention to what was just said in that they know you didn't just buy it, and often if questioned the receiver will find that the controller doesn't even know what they meant by what they said.  Or a pat answer is given that really doesn't say anything at all.  Saying "what?" a few times may be necessary to start with.  Just dig deeper if things don't add up on the surface, but realize you are both on the same team trying to deeper understand each other, not pitted against each other to "win".  You're on the same side!

Other strategies to break these habits are~

• Recognize the reality of your inner truth (not what someone has told you, this takes much time!)
• Be aware of boundary invasions, yours or anyone else's (this is hard to recognize if you are still codependent)
• Do not respond to nonsense as if it made sense 
• Build your life on truth (not perceived truth)
• Protect your children (call out "that person is just pretending" if you can see that they are)
• Speak up to break the spells of illusion
• If someone defines someone else, say "what?" "what did you say?" "nonsense" "I heard that".  Let them know you don't buy it.

Ego falls in here (I wrote about this in depth last time), because this is the voice we hear most often, which isn't truth, but is words we've heard somewhere from someone else throughout our life.  Ego can sound like our own voice, as it's so familiar, but can lead us pretty far astray.  Here's a list to tell if it's the ego talking or our still, small voice talking. 

Still small voice~

• short, firm statements
• unemotional, factual
• one message at a time
• leads to commitment
• promotes original solutions
• tells it like it is
• actions relieve stress
• change directions as needed

Ego~

• wordy, pros and cons, reasons why
• anxious, emotional, conflicted
• many insistent opinions all at once
• sets up contradictory goals
• fears rejection and ridicule
• tells it like it should be
• actions increase stress
• is rigidly consistent, resists change

All of this summed up together has to do with our identity.  All of these things mess with who we are, who we think we are, and who we think others are.  Shame damages it, ego damages it, controlling others damages it, and we often need to realign it.  The Christian church at large has damaged it with all of these things as well, and doctrinal truths and falsehoods have always been around to mess with our minds.  God clearly states who we are, and it's possible to get back to that (and highly recommended!)  Below I will add a few prayers out of the book Living Fearless by Jamie Winship who is devoted to helping people rediscover their true identity in Christ.  

"God, help me to pay attention to who You say that I am.  Help me to stop believing lies and accusations as you exchange them for Your truth.  Help me to be aware of what You're doing in my life.  Help me to hear from You, the true Lord God.  Then Lord, would You help me develop action steps in the direction that You have for me?"

"Lord, help us to know the truth of what we believe about ourselves.  In the name of Jesus, I ask You again to clear our minds of other voices.  We want to hear only You, Lord, just the voice of the true Lord Jesus, a voice that doesn't condemn nor accuse, but speaks only the truth in love.  Would You search us now with Your Spirit?  Would You search us and know us?  Lord, would You tell us the false names and the false identities that we believe about ourselves?  Bring them to our mind.  Lord, search us all the way.  Every secret place, every closed place in our hearts, shine Your light in there and show us any false thing, false beliefs or identities that we may believe to be true." 

"Father, sanctify our imagination right now, this great gift you've given us, in order to picture all the things our imagination is for in the future- new ideas, new inventions, new creations.  Guide us in our imaginations right now in Your presence."

When the enemy accuses us or shames us, "God I reject that in the name of Jesus.  Who do You say that I am? I receive who You say that I am before the heavenly realms.  I receive Your words of life to me."

2 Corinthians 10:4-5 (For the weapons of our warfare are not carnal, but mighty through God to the pulling down of strong holds;) Casting down imaginations, and every high thing that exalteth itself against the knowledge of God, and bringing into captivity every thought to the obedience of Christ;

Open My Eyes

1 Open my eyes that I may see

glimpses of truth thou hast for me.

Place in my hands the wonderful key

that shall unclasp and set me free.

Silently now I wait for thee,

ready, my God, thy will to see.

Open my eyes, illumine me,

Spirit divine!

2 Open my ears that I may hear

voices of truth thou sendest clear,

and while the wave notes fall on my ear,

ev’rything false will disappear.

Silently now I wait for thee,

ready, my God, thy will to see.

Open my ears, illumine me,

Spirit divine!

3 Open my mouth and let me bear

gladly the warm truth ev’rywhere.

Open my heart and let me prepare

love with thy children thus to share.

Silently now I wait for thee,

ready, my God, thy will to see.

Open my mouth, illumine me,

Spirit divine!

~Clara Scott (1895)

ego

Earlier this spring I was reading a devotional book, and one of the prayers was about asking for God's abundance (Eph 3:20), and I realized that I've never believed that I deserved God's abundance, only other people did.  I started to ponder how often a scarcity mindset seems to run the show, and that often it does so in an attempt to stay "humble" and not get "prideful". (I put them in quotations as these are beliefs and not actually true.  We can be both at any given time. Remember the "two things are true" idea?!)  But, after a few months of pondering, I came across a book that went into depth about the ego, and realized this is what was driving the train in many aspects of my life, and likely yours too.  So, here is some thoughts in a nutshell.  There's lots of varying ideas about it, and it can get kind of woo-woo really quick, so I'll just keep it to basic beliefs and actions based on those beliefs.  Being honest with ourselves is pretty hard on this one too!!

Ego is the fearful, small-minded part that sees life as limited, scarce, competitive and hard to handle.  It sounds like our own thoughts because it's internal.  It sounds like a "voice of reason", good sense or self-preservation; but instead it is just us reliving our childhood fears and all those comments about us acting "too big for our britches".  The thoughts in our minds now as an adult are remnants from words said to us when we were young and foolish, and are still ringing in our ears now that we are older and fully capable.  This is our ego talking to us.

One thing that may be hard to tell is the difference between our ego and our conscience.  They both seem morally righteous; but the difference is that our conscience leads us to healing, truth and steers us right, whereas the ego is all about fear of rejection.  The ego kills our motivations and direction, while the conscience gives helpful guidance, promotes apologies and encourages the relationships.  Conscience always adds, ego subtracts and robs us of energy.  

Ego is defensive and suspicious, highly emotionally reactive and has an opinion about everything.  Much energy is spent on reactions and fears.  It can be very hard to see the difference from our true self when we've spent most of our lives building up our ego to create an identity.  Now it's time to tear it back down, and reject some of these tightly held lifelong ideas.  To study the actual evidence now vs. what we've been told about ourselves and still believe.

The Ego's "advice" for success: 

1. Chase your tail- this produces nothing but suffering, encourages indecisiveness, worrying about what you did or didn't do, and subtracts from your ability to cope with a situation.
2. Use a cannon to kill a fly- anything worth doing must be done perfectly, putting pointless effort into meaningless things.
3. Put it off- makes even simple tasks seem overwhelming and draining, procrastination is the only way to avoid the endless demands.
4. Figure out who is to blame- "they did it" is the ego's mantra, it sucks you of your own strength because you're always busy blaming someone else. (even God gets blamed regularly)
5. Trust no one- better watch your back, cynicism and suspiciousness are the way to go.  See everyone as the enemy.
6. Suspicion will make you secure- the more you suspect trouble, the more secure you'll be.  If you are always looking for the ways that things could go wrong, you'll truly feel safe.  Don't take anything at face value, life is a lot trickier than you think.  Always fretting will drain and distract you from anything valuable.
7. Think scarcity- as the ego sees it, there's not enough to go around.  Another person's gain is your loss.  Other people will always "get there first" or "use up" the limited amount of success in this world, instead of being inspired or encouraged by those who are successful.
   
8. Survival of the fittest- you believe competition should be cutthroat.  Helpful collaboration is only for weaklings.  You should be able to do everything on  your own.  Independence is revered.
9. Believe you're the best there ever was- your ego assures you that you're the best there ever was.  You're the greatest, the best and once you get going everyone will see that.  Such an inflated ego will ensure you never get going because you truly suspect that you can never live up to those expectations.
10. Anything worth doing should be easy- nothing in life should demand too much sustained effort or be very hard.  If a goal is that hard, and causes anxiety then you weren't supposed to do it.  Success is only a lofty goal, not something that can actually be obtained.
11. Wallow in buyer's remorse- even if you're thrilled at first, the ego will make you suffer regret over your decisions.  You'll wonder if you could have gotten a better interest rate, or you'll notice noises on your new car.  Buyer's remorse only happens when you can't go back.  The point here is maximum regret when you can do nothing about it.  That's ego's destructive satisfaction.
12. Guilt is the highest moral state- the ego assures you of your goodness only if you keep feeling guilty about nothing in particular.  It tells you that guilt, sacrifice and suffering are your ticket to moral superiority.
13. Too good to be true- the ego's last resort, when you are finally getting free and succeeding, is to make you suspicious of the very things you should be grabbing with both hands.
14. Psychic permission- this is a phony ego superpower that allows people to look into the future and know that their efforts towards their dreams will have a bad outcome.  It predicts that your worst fears will come true.  It is the only time many of us are willing to admit and stand behind our psychic powers.
15. Push yourself the extra inch- in an extremely subtle maneuver that can mean the difference between giving up and success, the ego suggests we push ourselves a little further than we really want to go at the moment.  Then we will want to give up.  To test this out, do something you really enjoy a little harder and a little longer than you really want to.  This will mysteriously kill your enthusiasm after a few days and ironically you'll chalk it up to a lack of willpower and not the undermining ego.
16. Punish yourself- every time you make a mistake, the ego tells you to slam yourself hard.  It's not about making a simple error, it's about being inferior.  It somehow convinces you that your fundamental lack of self-worth will give you the incentive to succeed.  That you can hate yourself into success.  Of course this makes no sense, but in moments of weakness we may think it does.

[source...Who You Were Meant to Be]

There are many ways to make changes from this, which I won't delve into, but being aware is step number 1.  Exposing it and calling it out for what it is in our brains, just like with shame.  Don't be victim to it anymore but acknowledge it's sneakiness.  You have to learn to separate your own ideas from the pessimistic hand-me-down ideas from others.  Ego offers plausible alternatives and cautions against embarrassing mistakes, but instead it robs you of your energy and wastes time on meaningless things.  Do not let yourself be absorbed by someone else's rules, restrictions and judgements.  Each time you call out the ego, it loses power and your own strength increases.  All in all, it's just a spoilsport trying to dismantle your happiness. 

Number 2 would be getting used to using the words "I don't know".  Come to peace with the unknown.  The need to figure other people out, the need to make a judgement, the need to form an opinion.  Just get used to saying, "I don't know, I just don't know".  And it's ok to not know.

Eph. 3:20 Now unto Him that is able to do exceeding abundantly

 above all that we ask or think, according to the power that worketh in us,