Ideas that are new to me - part 1

I'm just going to parse out a few of the topics I've learned about these past few years.  They seem like simple ideas, but I have to admit they are new to me when they are broken down into components.  They have been so helpful on my journey to better health and healing (and joy and peace too!)  Read on...

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Grief vs complaining vs venting vs gossip~

Grief is the active process of letting go of what or who was lost.  It is an emotional, physical, spiritual healing.  It involves the vulnerability of the heart (emotions) not just the mind letting go.  Remember that grief must be shared to be healing, and so it requires an audience.  Grief is the gap between what we expected and what actually is, in any sense.  Our audience however; does not get to decide how long we should hurt for, how much we should hurt or not, nor how we *should* (or shouldn't) to express that hurt.  Pick people who help you heal, not hinder you.  They must be able to handle your pain without taking it on as their own.  (more on codependency below)

Complaining is often venting.  We all do it, and it can be good (processing life's challenges) or bad (avoiding grief).  It feels good, makes us feel validated and most often comes from our brain/ego (thoughts) not our heart (emotions), although they are of course closely linked.  It doesn't let us grieve properly and is only temporary relief as we vent.  There often is no healing in complaining, just prolonging the process.  This prolongs our suffering too, and sometimes we want that (it justifies our victimhood and draws attention to us).  If we never access our heart, complaining will become a way of life and we'll never see healing of the deeper issues. (Often still lurking from childhood when we were too young to know how to express them if we never learned to do so.)  Sometimes we revel in our suffering too, or have learned the message that "life is suffering" and believe that is the only way to be.  If our "cross to bear" is heavy, we must be doing something right!

What's the difference between venting and gossiping then? These can be tricky too.

• You're venting if you're letting off steam about someone or a situation, complaining often doesn't want it solved but is a voicing of dissatisfaction
• You're gossiping if you're trying to change someone's opinion about a person (common enemy alliances form many unhealthy bonds between people)
• You're gossiping if you share personal details without permission (source)

When we cling to our suffering, we are also likely getting something out of it.  Is it a way to avoid something else?  Are we ignoring other things we don't want to admit or face?  Does endless rumination or speculation ever benefit us?  Sometimes it feels like life is a game of whack a mole, and we spend most of our energy putting out fires in our minds and lives.  It doesn't have to be like this!  We can have joy and peace in our relationships, homes and hearts.  We should emanate the joy of the Lord!!  Counseling with an outside source can help us determine all of this and heal those areas where we struggle that we often aren't even aware of.  "If you always do what you've always done, you'll always get what you've always gotten."  Learning new skills can be essential to healing and to growth.  None of us wants to stay stagnant, but growth can be daunting too.

The biggest takeaway from defining these words (I'm barely scratching the surface here, as Greg and I were discussing it later, there are way more differences and similarities between the words), is to check yourself as you speak to others and to ask things like, Am I looking for healing? To let off steam?  Is this a recurrent complaint that I do or don't want to solve?  Am I playing the victim or am I in charge of my own choices and life?  And as a listener, asking the same sorts of questions...Do you want me to offer some suggestions or for me to just listen?  How can I support you most?  Assuming someone is complaining when they're grieving isn't helpful, or assuming someone needs help when they just need comfort isn't helpful either.  Putting a name to what we're feeling is so helpful as we communicate with others and what we expect of them and of ourselves.  I'd say a huge part of communication goes south because these kind of things are assumed and not clarified.

Proverbs 20:5 says "Counsel in the heart of man is like deep water; 

but a man of understanding will draw it out."

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Counseling benefits~

Counseling is for growth.  If we think it's so someone will sympathize with our pain and just be a place to unload; we're wrong.  Their job is to understand our perspective, but not necessarily endorse it.  We'll need to be accountable and vulnerable.  Their job is to help people see themselves in a mirror clearly, so they can grow and heal on their own.  They do not provide answers, solve problems nor take sides.  The amount we can heal depends on how willing we are to sit in our own discomfort and learn and grow from there.  They can teach us to be less depressed or anxious, less defensive and less reactive, less judgmental and more compassionate (to ourselves and others).  "Most things worth doing are difficult" is the long term goal.  Short term discomfort is necessary to get there.  It causes us to see ourselves as we normally would not choose to or have never been able to.  The client can then take a look at that reflection and say "now what do I do?" or choose to turn away in denial as they've done in the past.  Typically, most success comes in the first 15 sessions or so.  People shouldn't need counseling endlessly.  After the first year on a 2 week visit schedule, you should have addressed the major issues and be able to carry on successfully.  If you haven't come to a point where you don't need them anymore after the first year (on a 2 week schedule), they aren't helping you.  They may be pandering to you, but are not helping you grow.  You need to do the homework in order to succeed.  Of course, new life challenges will come up and you may need to go back and get refreshers on how to handle new situations, but overall these are the statistics.

What kind of things can we heal through Christian counseling?  Well, paying attention to our dreams can be a start.  What do we dream about?  Are your dreams peaceful or anxious?  In present time or in the past?  What are we afraid of?

"We humans are all afraid of hurt, of being humiliated, of failure and of success.  We are afraid of being alone and afraid of connection.  We are afraid to listen to what our hearts are really telling us.  We are afraid of being unhappy and afraid of being too happy.  We are afraid of bad health and good fortune.  We are afraid of not having our parents' approval and afraid of accepting ourselves as we really are.  We are afraid of envy and of having too much.  We are afraid of having hope in things we might not get.  We are afraid of something happening to our kids and our spouses and our jobs.  We are afraid of not having control and afraid of our own power.  We are afraid of how briefly we are alive, and afraid of how long we'll be dead.  We are afraid that when we die, we won't have mattered.  We are afraid of being responsible for our own lives."  ~Lori Gottlieb

Proverbs 15:22   Without counsel purposes are disappointed: 

But in the multitude of counsellors they are established.

Counseling also addresses our need for drama in our lives.  Most unhealed people are sucked into other people's problems and crises, unfair issues and policies and seem to go from one calamity to another. (And we think this is because we care about others so much!) This is done to avoid the chaos in our own hearts and minds, and is a form of self-medication.  If we are honest, we really often only care about other people's bad news, not their good news as that has no drama in it.  An honest question to clarify this would be- How much time do we spend discussing other people's good news and successes?  Compared to bad?

A counselor will also not tell you what to do, because all of us resent this.  We all want autonomy and agency over our own lives, and when someone gives out unsolicited advice, it strips us of this.  Ask yourself if you had a creative idea, if someone came in and took it from you, "improved" it with their own ideas, would you still want to do it?  Would you still think it's your idea anymore?  This is what happens with unsolicited advice.  When we assume we know better than someone else knows about their very own life, we suck the life (and capability and autonomy) out of them with our advice.  There's even words for this which none of us want to admit we are one!  Interestingly, now that I'm healing, I have no interest in the drama of others. (I used to!)  I don't need to give advice, I don't need to feel obligated to take a side with someone's story.  I can empathize, but do it objectively.  I still struggle with the empathetic responses instead of fix-it solutions, but it's getting better little by little.  But, life can be boring with no other people's drama to have an opinion on, I'll admit!

kibitz: to look on and offer unwanted advice to others

quidnunc: a person eager to learn news and scandal

know-it-all: is a person who imparts the correct way to do something, or other information, with a sense of superiority 

How does this happen?  Slowly over time there is a 5 step process that our brains take in order to change our mindsets.  A counselor cannot make these happen, but they assist in the process.

1. Pre-contemplation- often more looks like denial that there is even something that needs changing, people get irritated if you mention a problem, and often the information just needs to be given in general terms and the persuading is done on their own brain in their own time and in their own way.
2. Contemplation- is ambivalence, it's resistance to a problem.  Willing to talk about the problem but not willing or able to do anything about it yet. (people often start counseling at this point) People often procrastinate or self-sabotage at this point to put off making changes they know need to be made.  The loss of the old and the anxiety of the new is daunting.
3. Preparation- time to face the battles, being brutally honest with the changes that need to be made.  Time to make new habits and commit to new accountabilities.
4. Action- doing it and following through.  This is the hardest part...getting out of the old habits and into the new.  There's often a lot of pushback from those around us who are used to the old.
5. Maintenance- the stage where there's been a significant amount of time after the changes have been made. Often breaking free from old habits of substance abuse, other people's drama, negativity and self-defeating ways of living, and living a life of less reactivity and calmness of body and spirit seems alienlike for a while but then is so freeing and peaceful!

The infographic below is helpful for ideas to be empathetic without giving unsolicited advice.

Here's more info on codependency.  I am still navigating getting away from this.  It's been a huge part of my identity and life, bending to the alleged needs of others in order to feel worthy, accepted and needed.  Breaking free has been super hard, because those roles are firmly established, especially with close family and friends.

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Either/or vs both/and thinking

One of the new-to-me concepts I've also learned in counseling is pretty simple and that is both/and vs either/or thinking.  I hope we all do it already, but seeing it laid out, I knew that I was pretty unfamiliar with it in depth.  For some reason, our society has come up with the idea that thoughts must be either/or.  If I'm right, then you must be wrong.  If I am feeling one thing, then I can't be feeling another.  If I have a burden, then it must be worse or better than someone else's.  This of course leads to a ton of judgement and comparing whose pain is worse and who "deserves" compassion or not.  Either/or belief systems are very heavy on my way or your way, without seeing that most topics are 50+ shades of gray, so to speak.  Very few things are black and white only.  There's room for everyone's ideas, everyone's pain, everyone's feelings.  These aren't limited by our inability to see or acknowledge them.  This idea was new to me in that if someone else had a belief about something, and I disagreed with them, I felt that I must be wrong in order for them to be right. (Shame, there you are again!) You can see how limiting this can be.  We can both be right for our own list of reasons from our own life experiences.  

The only *alleged* downside to the both/and belief system is that it will reduce your arguing with others.  When we can see many sides of a situation, it takes us off our moral high horse and leads to conversations with understanding for someone else's point of view.  It levels the playing field and helps us try to understand one another rather than trying to convince them that either I'm right or you're right. Either/or thinking basically simplifies complex topics, which are full of important nuance and clarifying details.  It also makes us more approachable and flexible, and reduces assumptions and blaming.  Being unteachable is not a Christian virtue.  We are all a work in progress, and God's not done with any of us yet!  It's also realizing that none of us has the monopoly on truth.

Things that are both/and at the same time, not either/or (just quickly off the top of my head).  These are the dichotomies of a day in the life of a Christian!

Sinner and saint

Deserving and undeserving

Redeemed and fallible

Confident and fearful

Prideful and humble

Earthly and heavenly minded

Needed and needing

Faithful and doubting

Grace filled and judgmental

Hopeful and doubting

Right and wrong

Forgiving and hurt

Obedient and resisting

Joy and grief/sadness

Over spiritualizing and under spiritualizing

Pious and negligent

Also words like bittersweet and spendthrift (someone who has a lot of money by being thrifty) too

In parenting these issues come up too, and they don't have to be one or the other.  Both have their own list of pros and cons.  One isn't right, so the other must be wrong.  This is so divisive to think this way.

Home birth vs hospital birth

Homeschool vs public vs private

Vax vs unvaxx

Cosleep vs not 

and on and on ad nauseum...

It's also things like worrying when your teens are out late and still being able to sleep when they aren't home yet.

Here's some infographics that help explain it further:

Another way that it is mentioned is called dialectical thinking (vs linear or binary).

This also then means~

1. I don't have to share my opinion, but only if I want to (I can still have one)
2. I don't have to take a side (there's often not just 2 sides, there's many)
3. I don't need to try fix/change anyone
4. I don't need to try to change someone else's opinion
5. I don't need to defend my choices (but I will own them)
6. I can have my own firm beliefs
7. I'm not obligated to engage in an issue (it's my choice)
8. I can stand up for myself clearly and concisely
9. I have the same value as everyone else

(And the same is true for you!)

Dear Lord, We pray that you will deliver us from anything that binds us. Enable us to see the work of the evil one, and strengthen us against him.  Set us free from anything that keeps us from becoming all You made us to be.  We know you have a wonderful plan for our lives which includes deliverance, healing and restoration.  Help us to never settle for less than all You have for us. We look to You as our healer and restorer.  Amen.

Joel 2:25 And I will restore to you the years that the locust hath eaten...

Emotional Maturity 101

When I was recently going down the rabbit hole learning about empathy, I stumbled upon the whole new (to me) world of emotional maturity.  Yeah, this is another toughie to acknowledge and navigate!  Lack of empathy goes hand in hand with knowing our own feelings and thus being able to enter the world of others in empathy.  There's plenty of videos and books out there on the subject if you want to learn more, but the biggest key to emotional maturity is being brutally self-aware and honest.  (Remember AA's rule #4 to "make a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves")

If you've just met someone new, and are trying to figure out how emotionally healthy they are, the simplest way is to ask them stories about their past.  In listening to the stories, do they overall take ownership for their life, or do they blame circumstances and other people for the way things have turned out.  The good and the bad.  Do they direct their own life, or are external circumstances apparently running the show?  People who take ownership are typically more emotionally healthy, whereas those who complain about all their bum luck likely are still emotionally immature.  

A few other things to notice that would indicate immaturity would be (1) egocentrism (self-preoccupation and they swiftly entangle you in their expectations) (2) limited empathy (unable to put themselves in another's shoes) (3) avoid self-reflection (rarely question themselves or their behavior, get defensive and double down on their position if challenged) (4) avoids emotional intimacy (get defensive, evasive or belligerent when you try to relate to them with openness or honesty) (5) affective realism (reality is defined by what they feel it to be; they deny, distort, or dismiss anything they don't like).  They see life in "clichéd sound bites" because life as a whole (past, present & future) is too overwhelming.  This can also be why they can solve everyone else's problems, but not their own.  They see their own problems as magnanimous, and other people's as child's play.  Also, if they feel someone is getting too close or loving them too much, they will often blurt out hurtful things to keep the walls of protectiveness up for safety.  There's usually a history of pain in childhood that says vulnerability is scary and hurtful.

Here's a chart below too.  I can see now how far I was on the left side, but with growth and healing I am moving more categories over to the right side a bit at a time.

[source]

There seems to be two camps when it comes to how we learn to relate emotionally, as described above.  There's internalizers and externalizers.  This seems to start when we are small children as we view the world around us and adapt/cope accordingly.  The internalizers view the world's problems as fixable and within their responsibility and grasp to fix.  Thus, they take in all the problems that they observe and feel, and then they believe it to be their burden to fix (a lifetime of shame anyone?!).  They can't see the give/take of each of us being many parts of a whole.  They literally carry the weight of the world on their shoulders every day.  The externalizers on the other hand view the world as "not my problem" and always feel that others should be doing more for them, but get overwhelmed easily because every little thing rocks their boats.  They cannot see how they could have contributed to any negative situations, as they see themselves as "good people" with good intentions.  They often resent internalizers and feel like they themselves got the short end of the stick because internalizers seem to have more success in life.  This can severely damage friendships and relationships as they are unable to see the damage they cause by their immaturity and insecurities.  Very few people are a good balance of both types, but we can each learn new skills (as I've said over and over!). As with everything else, these are on a continuum, from mild to extreme.

**This does not correlate to introvert/extrovert personalities.  You can have introverted externalizers and extroverted internalizers.

"Labeled as emotionally sensitive, Internalizers crave genuine connection. Because they crave genuine connection, they’ll do too much for other people while neglecting themselves. They’re also deeply attuned to other people’s feelings and will find themselves absorbing everything and everyone around them energetically." (one source said they do 80% of the emotional regulation in relationships)

"Externalizers have a tough time regulating their emotions because external factors strongly influence them. Rather than taking responsibility for their problems, Externalizers blame others and deny that they have any role in the problem or conflict. If a partner tells an Externalizer that something isn’t working in the relationship, their first response will likely be to deny the problem exists or blame their partner for the problem."  [source, more info on internalizers vs externalizers]

Internalizers

-tend to be self-aware, self-reflective, perceptive, and sensitive

-like to reflect on things and love learning 

-try to figure out how to respond advantageously instead of being reactive

-seem more mature and insightful and tend to be competent and reliable

-thoroughly process their experiences

-feel a responsibility toward other people

-are likely to have been "parentified" as children, meaning their parents leaned on their capabilities and relied on them as confidants or helpers

Externalizers 

-tend to be excitable and react impulsively, even if quiet or introverted

-have low tolerance for stress and take swift action, even if ill-considered, to blow off tension

-get themselves in trouble by not thinking of future consequences; they live for the present moment and aren't strategic about their lives

-are not self-reflective and externalize blame for their troubles onto other people

-are angry that so many frustrating and distressing things happen to them but rarely question their own behavior as part of the problem

-can gravitate towards substance abuse, addictions, or highly dependent or conflictual relationships

-tend to think that everyone else could be trying harder

Another aspect of emotional immaturity is called triangulation.  These folks prefer to talk about you to someone else (the good and the bad), because talking to you might increase connection, and isn't safe.  So, adding a third person to the mix lets them express themselves without the risk of deeper connections in friendships and relationships. They'd often rather there always be a bit of friction in relationships rather than connection.  (Yes, I even recall hearing one of my cousins saying this about her marriage!)  Most people don't even recognize they do this, it's a self-protective mechanism in place from long ago.

Relationships that are immature are also not a level playing field, but are instead defined by step up/down roles.  Parent-child ones that stay that way into adulthood are most common, but any can result in this healer-healee, guru-student, wise one-dummy, etc.  These are mostly rooted in control and self-image issues.  Love gets all mixed up in this game, along with approval and worthiness, making it really messy to sort out!

Here's some more infographics that outline the differences~

With all this work I've put in changing a lifetime of belief paradigms about myself and others that I have formed into habits, it's been a lot of work.  These have been doors that I want to just open and shut again, and not have to go through the room to healing.  But, it doesn't work that way.  Peace and freedom  come from doing the work of processing.  And some of the conclusions I've come to have been really hard to swallow.  And then there's lots of forgiveness of myself and others to process too.  And it all happens inside your head and heart and you really can't explain it to someone else the depth and breadth and height of it all.  So, although I may look the same as I always did, I'm viewing the world from a completely new viewpoint.  One with a lot more compassion (for myself and others) and empathy, and a lot less judgements.  But, I also have new boundaries, which means I'm not willing to be a doormat for emotional vomit anymore, and all adult relationships will be on a even give and take, level playing field arena. (I've been taking my Carcinosin!)

If you see yourself as one who is emotionally immature because you've never learned these skils, knowing what to do with big emotions can be daunting (fear, anger, scared, even joy).  Teaching your kids to move through them can be as well!  This list is helpful, the main point is to be curious, and not judgmental of yourself or others in this time.  Just go slow and work through it.

This list below has a few ways we try to cope when we don't know what to do with our big emotions.  Often we are overwhelmed because when we were little and didn't have the skills to deal with these, they were much bigger than they are now.  Now we are adults and we are bigger than them!  Knowing we are doing the distortions is the first step to learning to process emotions in healthy ways.  The list above helps us learn to walk through them slowly so they don't overwhelm us. (also called triggers)

One last thing I learned, is that we retain beliefs about ourselves mostly from others ("labeling" in the infographic above), as the specific words spoken to us in conflict.  If our character was attacked rather than our behavior, these things cut much deeper and will remain until we actively seek to heal them.  This is shame (I am bad) vs guilt (I did something bad) beliefs.  Sadly, most things said to us in heightened emotional states are the things that are not true about us, instead of those that are.  The reason we remember them is because our bodies are so hurt by them, that they are trying to protect us from those things ever being said again so they bring back the alerts regularly.  Working through believing our intrinsic worth is only from God, and believing what He says about us is a process, as is forgiving those who hurt us too.   If you've said hurtful things about or to your children that degrades their character, it's time to apologize.   Our childhood mistakes are not our character.

Further reading~

Disentangling From Emotionally Immature People by Dr. Lindsay Gibson

Empathy. Take 1.

When I started back at counseling last spring (with my new counselor), and she asked me what I wanted out of her, I told her that my life seemed to run on guilt, shame and grief. I wanted it to run on joy, peace, and hope (and other good things). I do wholly understand that all our lives will have both, but mine has seemed to take on the first three as its propulsion forward. Yeah, not good. So, all spring we've been working on different things, and when I went to her last week with some difficulties I was having trouble navigating, she said, "I think you need to learn more about empathy". What, me?!  The one who cares about far more people than she should?  The one who has bent over backwards trying to meet everyone's needs, while neglecting my own for decades?  Me?!  Yup, codependent me.  Ouch. But, after I wrapped my head around that, I realized she was right. I had been already studying the Biblical way to comfort others on my own time and had realized that they are kind of the same thing, and I could learn a bunch. Just go sit with someone with a chronic illness (but not unto death yet) and see how the conversation goes.  And then do it again.  And again.  And don't try to save, fix, or solve a thing; just love on them and listen to them.  It's harder than you might think. That's where empathy jumps in.  So, I'm going to delve into it here (to sort it out in my own brain) on what empathy is and isn't, and how we can get better at it. I say in the title "take 1" because I'm sure I'm barely scratching the surface, and this could take another decade to parse out.

For starters, it begins when we can't/won't (each situation is different) express our feelings and emotions about a situation that we're trying to process. This would typically be a negative experience such as a conflict, awkwardness, hurt, grief or pain. Instead of knowing or saying how we actually feel (I'm sad because...), we instead tell the (often dramatic) story of how things went. The "he said/she said" of it all, which comes from our brain (not our heart) because it's safer (less vulnerable) that way. So, we (person A) find a willing listener (person B) and tell them our story. We often ending up blaming the "meany" (person C) for how things went, because we want our captive audience (B) to really see that we're hurting (although we don't actually say this, because that would show weakness). So, we instead *imply* that we're the victim (A) and the other person  (C) is the meany , and the listener (B) is just supposed to know what we're feeling by the details of the story. Understand how this is getting complicated?!

So then the listener (B) is stuck in a hard place. Often they know the "meany" (C) themselves in person, and know this is likely overexaggerated and blown out of proportion due to the underlying hurt, but they can't really say that, because that would be discrediting their friend (A) who is telling the story. If they agree with the speaker (A), then they feel like they are taking sides on a situation they really don't have the facts on. If they disagree then they are being disloyal to their friend (and it is often assumed that they are taking the meany's side (C)), when it is neither. They are just stuck in a hard place of having to choose who they think is telling the truth. Then the person who is hurting (A) is still hurting and also feeling misunderstood, and the listener (B) is stuck wondering what should be done to remedy the situation as well.  Got all that?!

Enter empathy. Empathy requires just 'holding space' (I know that's a weird phrase for me too!) by being there, listening and asking more questions to seek to understand the feelings behind the story. The story itself is hardly relevant, it's the perception that is the valuable part. Whether true or untrue, whether we agree or disagree; that's not our job to decide. Ugh. Yep. Let all that go. We are just entering into their pain with them and letting them know they are not alone. That's all. Some of us have never/rarely had this done to us, and have never learned how to do this for others. Note: this is far harder with longtime friends and family than with strangers. It's easy to offer it to strangers, but with close friends and family (with whom we have a history), to remain judgement free and unbiased seems nigh on  impossible.  If you haven't done this before, start on your kids.  They are the easiest.  No advice, no lecturing; just loving, comforting and seeking to understand them deeper when they are struggling with something.  

Why do we struggle to give empathy? Here's a few thoughts. Often we don't know how to express our own feelings so we can't enter the world of another's feelings or emotions. We've never learned these skills.

The next reason is we don't know the difference between our own feelings and those of others. We lack the boundaries to know what's our responsibility and what is the other person's responsibility. If your day is ruined because of someone else's issues or problems, that's codependency and poor boundaries. A healthy state keeps your feelings separate from other people's.

I found a list below (on Pinterest, not sure original source) that was really helpful in regards to sorting this out.  I admit I've done all of these things in a meager attempt to give (what I thought was) empathy.  I'm really good at some of them, unfortunately.  I repent of my intentions and ignorance and am trying to learn and grow from here.  I don't understand why this is so complicated, but somehow it is.  Us humans have been misled in our own thoughts and wayward ways since time immemorial, so what's new hey?!  One book I read touted a lot of this stemming from our immigrant ancestors who left their support systems of elders in "the old country" and just fended for themselves, coping the best they could without much guidance.  It also could be the "children should be seen and not heard" ramifications.

______________

EMPATHY

Giving your attention to another by either silently or verbally guessing their feelings.  For example, "Are you feeling disappointed because you wanted to be included?"  Empathy requires a willingness to enter the other's world with acceptance and respect while maintaining your self and center.  It also requires a willingness to be with someone who is in pain without trying to get them out of it.  Think of having someone tell you to "cheer up" or "calm down".  Does it work?  Has it ever worked?  Does being commanded, or even suggested to do this ever helped you feel better?

NOT EMPATHY

These are responses that you might offer in response to someone's expression of pain or celebration.  Usually when someone is expressing difficulty, empathy is what they want first.  These responses below may be helpful, but they are simply not empathy, so should be offered later on only if deemed appropriate. (Simply ask the other person!)

• Sympathy: Bringing attention back to yourself. "Oh, I'm so sorry. I feel terrible for you!"
• Advice: You assume the person needs information. "Well, what you could do is...." "You need to forgive them"
• Explain/Analyze: You believe that if you tell someone why they feel the way they do, they will feel better.  "You just feel bad because..."
• Correct: You try to point out someone's mistake in interpreting. "He didn't mean to hurt you, he was just in a hurry." 
• Console: "It will be ok.  You're ok, everything will work out."
• Tell a story: "The same thing happened to me one time...."
• Push away feelings: You might be uncomfortable so you tell others not to feel what they feel. "Come on, don't be sad" "Calm down, and take a deep breath" "It's not that big of deal"
• Investigate/Interrogate: "Why did you do that?" "What made you feel that way?"

Ugh.  Yep.  I'm an expert at them all, unfortunately.  Most of us are.  It's really hard to sit in someone else's pain with them, I'm learning when I actually throw out all these pithy platitudes to offer.  To just sit with someone in grief, or chronic illness, or mental illness, or addiction.  Or whatever they're facing.  To just sit and offer comfort to them (the book How We Love teaches how!) is so much harder (yet easier in many ways too!) than these petty advances that don't really do anything but heap shame on the listener for being human.  (The shame comes because the hurting person feels guilty and shameful for even hurting in the first place.  They should be stronger, more impenetrable than that!)  I think of the story of Job in the Bible.  How his friends just sat with him quietly in his pain (for a week!) were much more helpful than the offering of all kinds of bad advice to his detriment. 

These are all things we can heal and grow from.  These are not character flaws or foibles, just skills we haven't learned yet.  I love this lady's quote below, because it shows where she has healed and grown from.  She had BPD and has healed herself from it with the help of her husband who is a counselor.  Blaming others and being the victim are often one and the same.  It often means we don't know how to express how we really feel, and use stories (as I explained above) to try to get us what we need to feel heard.   If you as a listener are getting either a victim story or a blaming story, you can know that it likely isn't the whole story, but instead a hurting story of someone who can't express how they actually feel inside, and that's the difficult part.  Asking, "Is this how the other party would portray the story?" can help bring it back to objective truth.  Or "how did that make you feel?" focuses on the hurting parts rather than the subjective events.

I do think the church at large in the last generations perhaps plunked all this responsibility onto Jesus, and has left people with none.  When I was recently singing "What A Friend We Have in Jesus", this idea came to me.  Is it Jesus' responsibility to do all the comforting?  All the healing?  All the hope?  Yes, He is the Comforter, but He also uses us on earth to be His hands and feet.  Phrases like, "I'll pray for you" can tend to take the burden off us so we don't have to do any comforting ourselves (because it is painful and awkward).  Although we should pray, we can also give hugs and hope through His Word.  Do a quick word study on the word "comfort" in the Bible, and you can see that it doesn't mean lecturing, shaming or passing the buck of being with someone in pain.  It jumps right in there and sits with them in the pain.  This is a challenge for those of us who have been enmeshed or codependent in relationships too, who don't know their own pain apart from others'.

Article: How Empathy Can Go Wrong

2 Cor 1:3-5 Blessed be God, even the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies, and the God of all comfort; Who comforteth us in all our tribulation, that we may be able to comfort them which are in any trouble, by the comfort wherewith we ourselves are comforted of God.  For as the sufferings of Christ abound in us, so our consolation also aboundeth by Christ.

Another thought is that sometimes during really hard-to-fathom times (disaster, accidents, unexpected deaths or losses), it can be easy to either blame God or defend God without seeing His whole character. We often give quick platitudes to ourself or others, in a meager attempt to minimize the pain.  [Often we even use Bible verses to do this!] Where is God when you prayed for help and it didn't come?  How can I believe in a God who doesn't seem to see or hear me?  Sometimes we don't see much evidence that God sees and cares for us the way we think He should.  Sometimes our view is skewed, but being brutally honest can be the best balm for this.  For many of us this is hard because we've never done it.  

• I feel hurt, because this is painful
• I feel sad, because this is tragic
• I feel angry, because this is unfair
• I feel confused, because there is no clear pathway forward

Our flesh wants a world built on successful formulas, pat answers that actually fix things, and solutions to our problems.  ("If I do the "right" thing, then bad things won't happen to me")  We'd like life to be predictable, controllable and fundamentally fair.  What we see around us, in us and what's happening to us usually isn't that.  But what we really sometimes struggle with is honesty.  Honesty with ourselves, honesty with God.  Honesty in our disappointments, but also honesty in our hopes.

Just so you know, empathy is the path forward to less expectations of ourself and others, less responsibility, less performance, and thus less burdens.  It relieves us of so much internal angst!  That's my favorite word lately.  Teenagers have lots of angst, but us adults do too if we'd just acknowledge it!

angst [äNG(k)st]

• a feeling of deep anxiety or dread, typically an unfocused one about the human condition or the state of the world in general:
• strong worry and unhappiness, especially about personal problems

So how do we know if we ourselves or someone we know is lacking empathy?  It can easily get mixed up with codependency.  

Here's a quick list~ [source]

1. Being extremely critical of other people
2. Blaming the victim when bad things happen to them
3. Not forgiving people for making mistakes
4. Feeling like other people are too sensitive
5. Not listening to other people's perspectives or opinions
6. An inability to cope with emotional situations
7. Lack of patience for other people's emotional reactions
8. Reacting with impatience or anger when frustrated with other people
9. Feeling baffled by other people's feelings
10. Believing that negative things won’t happen to you
11. Not thinking about or understanding how your behavior affects other people

Further Reading~

How We Love our Kids by Milan and Kay Yerkovich (highly recommend!)

Good Enough: 40ish devotions for a life of imperfection by Kate Bowler

The Gifts of Imperfection by  Brene Brown

How We Love by Milan and Kay Yerkovich ~ book review

This book was excellent.  Another piece of the puzzle put in place!  It helped me so much see where I'm coming from, where Greg is coming from; as well as having more compassion for where friends and family are coming from.  These are all just skills we can learn to better improve our relationships.  I'm not going to write a ton on this one, but would just encourage you to get the book yourself and read it through.  Get the copy with a workbook in the back, as that has all the questions to work through.  The basis of the book is attachment as I mentioned previously in another post.  It also has its basis in the Changes that Heal book that I also reviewed recently.  

Soul words are just putting words to your feelings and emotions, if you struggle to come up with them on your own.  (PDF to print off here)

Here's the 5 types of ways we attach to others.  All of them are coping mechanisms we've adapted from childhood.  The last one is the goal, to be a secure attacher.  We can also switch types depending on who we are with.

• I tend to be positive and self-sufficient
• I'm usually "fine" and not very affectionate
• I have few emotions
• Sometimes I comply simply to avoid arguments
• I generally don't ask for any sort of emotional investment or commitment from people
• I minimize and resist expressions of anger in others and myself
• I'm usually happiest when other people are happy and don't want a lot from me
• I'm task oriented and a high achiever
• I prefer to do something for someone rather than connect emotionally
• I've felt resentment towards my spouse for wanting something more from me
• I'm tired of hearing how distant I am
• I don't really think of my own feelings or needs very often

• People knew me as the "good kid"
• I struggle with fear of rejection or criticism
• Sometimes I seek deeper connection by working to meet others' needs
• I have needs but they're not as big as most people's
• At times I've had difficulty tolerating physical or emotional distance from my spouse
• I prefer to deal with conflict by making up for it quickly and moving on
• I can be very jealous but I rarely show it
• I have difficulty saying no and sometimes it makes me less than truthful
• I generally don't feel angry, or if I do, I try to think about something else to get rid of it
• I don't often ask for help and feel uncomfortable when others try to help

• Growing up I experienced a great deal of intense anger and stress from a parent or parents
• I'm used to chaos at home
• I've learned to protect myself through passivity
• I don't like to consider the alternative if I weren't quiet and submissive
• I don't often assert myself
• Relationship problems are usually my fault
• I try very hard to keep my mate happy, but it doesn't always work
• At times I'm honestly scared of my spouse
• I'm resentful and angry but try not to focus on it
• I feel trapped and hopeless most of the time
• No one really knows me or what goes on in my marriage
• My spouse is nicer to friends than to me

• I've always been especially sensitive
• I desire deep, passionate connection with my spouse but never seem to get it
• I've had a history of idealizing others early on in relationships
• I easily feel disappointed, rejected, unwanted
• I sometimes become angry when my expectations are not met
• I can feel betrayed, abandoned when others are not emotionally available
• I experience internal conflict and a high level of emotional stress in relationships
• My own conflicted responses sometimes confuse even me
• Others have said they feel like they are walking on eggshells around me
• I have difficulty accepting the weaknesses of others
• I have difficulty being willing to reengage when anger blocks out other emotions
• I tend to reflect more on how others have hurt me than on my own shortcomings

• Growing up, I experienced a great deal of intense anger and stress from parent(s)
• I'm used to chaos at home
• I've learned to protect myself through aggression
• I don't like to consider the alternative if I weren't so dominant
• I tend not to think about the past but stay busy with the present
• My spouse couldn't survive without me
• Our relationship problems are usually my spouse's fault
• I rarely feel any emotion except anger and sometimes guilt if my anger has gone too far
• Things would go more smoothly if my spouse listened to me and did the things I ask
• My spouse purposely makes me jealous
• I get angry when others don't listen
• I have few feelings about my childhood except that I'm glad it's over because I wouldn't go back

• Able to say no to unreasonable requests
• Can you take risks?  Secure adults are able to approach new activities with curiosity
• Can you ask for help?  They know it isn't a sign of weakness
• Can you work towards compromise (they do not avoid or ignore problems, different points of view are not only tolerated but respected)
• Can you say you're sorry?  Secure people are not defensive, they admit their mistakes, apologize for errors, take ownership of their own shortcomings which makes it easy for secure people to forgive others when they are wronged

Basically all of these things listed above get in the way of being able to bond with others (except secure connector).  The ability to comfort others as well as be comforted is at the root of all relationships.  We cannot give what we do not have ourselves, but we can learn it.  The way a parent handles a child's fear, shame, anger, sadness, and jealously is critical for adult relationships.  Did they teach one thing but do another in their own marriage relationship? (do what I say not what I do?)  Do parents teach their children that the goal is to eliminate uncomfortable feelings or rather to learn to handle them?  Did they teach how to process all emotions, which in turn teaches how to handle stressful situations?  Were manners more important than heart issues? (don't embarrass me in public! Make me look like a good parent!)  Was it the child's job to manage the parent's emotional needs? 

The comfort circle (below) is this books way of building relationships by sharing and listening to comfort one another in distress.  They talk about the many ways we cope, but don't comfort our spouse (and vice versa) when they are in distress (sadness, hurt, fear, anxiety, anger, etc).  Many people are used to comforting themselves alone, as learned behavior.  Many homes had lots of opinions and thoughts, but not much room for expressing negative emotions.  I also recently learned that a thought comes from the brain, and a feeling comes from our heart.  Even if someone says, "I feel I should get that job", it's still a thought because it comes from the mind not the heart.  Start recognizing the difference with your own words, your family's, and those around you.  Start encouraging a safe place to share emotions by learning to listen better (it teaches you in the book), and how to comfort better.  (Hint. Have your loved one (spouse, child) lay their head in your lap while they share how they feel).  Start with the emotions of childhood memories (good and bad) and move into more difficult ones as time goes by and emotional trust and vulnerability is built.  In this book they also have one speaker and one listener, taking a set amount of time (5-10 min) and then switching roles.  This can sound impossible to do, but it's helpful so we each feel heard (the key to trust, if you recall from the Trust book).  To be able to listen, understand and learn without defensiveness, anger or putting our own two bits (advice) is harder than it sounds.  Many of us have never shared with such vulnerability.

Sometimes our childhood roles also spill into our adult relationships.  We've learned to adapt to guard against conflict and pain.  These defenses are common to everyone.  Which ones can you relate to?

• regression- "if I'm angry or hurt I act in childish ways.  I pout, sulk, go to my parents' house or have temper tantrums"
• suppression- "I distract myself a lot so I don't have to feel or deal with what's bothering me"
• withdrawal- "when I'm hurt or upset, I physically leave, or just go off in my own thoughts"
• blame- "other people are the cause of most of my problems.  I act and feel the way I do because of them.  If they would change, everything would be fine" (very common)
• rationalization- "it's easy to tell myself the wrong things I do aren't that bad when I compare myself to what most of the other people in the world do wrong"
• devaluation- "when I'm upset, I focus on the negative traits of others.  Those traits are more numerous and pronounced than my own" (a close second after blame)
• intellectualization- "I can analyze my way out of any feeling or emotion"
• compensation- "I feel the need to exaggerate my good points in order to hide any deficiencies"
• denial- "I refuse to acknowledge pain and problems and call it having a positive attitude"
• replacement- "when I'm feeling a negative emotion, I express the opposite in order to hide the truth"
• distraction- "I avoid conflict or pain by filling the day with anything and everything"

Here's the link to find out what kind of love style you are (we can change depending on who we are with as well).  

Here's a list of free downloads to print off to help you rebuild those weak areas.

And lastly, a quote below from my favorite John Delony...often we think we can handle things on our own, but this is untrue. Healing ourselves will heal our homes and our relationships.

I also forgot to list some of the reasons we trust people we shouldn't (and end up in relationship difficulties later).  This is from the last chapter of Trust, and I forgot to list them on that book review previously.  He calls them "reasons for misplaced trust".

1. We're lonely.  We're isolated and we desire to connect so we cut corners and ignore clear warnings.  This is when we need to listen to friends and family whom we trust for their advice.
2. We feel powerless and lack boundaries.  If we do not feel empowered to say "no", we will allow abuse, gaslighting (people negating our perceptions), control, blame and we cannot keep untrustworthy people away.  If we cannot set boundaries, we also are typically also unable to confront problems or be able to put a finger on what feels "off" about the relationship.
3. Needing the "Ideal".  People who don't feel ok about themselves often look for someone who appears "awesome" who makes them feel like they are wonderful.  It makes them feel important, special or good, but often the "ideal" is a manipulator or flatterer.  Looking for perfection is a setup for misplaced trust.
4. Taking the rescue bait.  This person often has been treated badly, and then someone else comes along and tells them they are wonderful and they fall for the bait.  Many second marriages and new jobs begin this way.
5. Merger fantasies.  Sometimes it feels like something is missing in us, and we are drawn to someone who possesses what we don't have.  But, the need that drives the merger often overlooks other untrustworthy aspects of this person.  This is different from complementary relationships where we complement each other.
6. Someone from your past.  If someone in your formative past had issues and you've never dealt with them, you will be blind to them.  Patterns repeat themselves because people are in denial about how their past has affected them.  We need to acknowledge the damage or lacks so we can heal.  We should see things that are generational in nature and acknowledge their damage so we can heal.   "We marry our unfinished business".
7. Insecure attachment styles (listed above).  This happens in marriages as well as business.
8. Rescue fantasies. You believe that you can change someone with your love.  Your wish to improve them is greater than their wish to change.
9. Victim thinking.  Many think they are powerless to change troubled relationships. 
10. Guilt.  Many deceivers and betrayers are great at blame, never owning their own responsibilities.
11. Too High Pain Tolerance.  When people come from backgrounds of difficult relationships or are overly responsible, they have learned to put up with way, way too much before pulling the trigger.  Pay attention to your pain.

Further Reading~

How to Have That Difficult Conversation by Cloud and Townsend

Running on Empty by Jonice Webb

Trust by Dr. Henry Cloud book review

I've had another breakthrough, easing a huge burden off my shoulders yet again.  This one is multi faceted and although I don't understand all the dynamics, I do know this is another reason I've struggled with relationship breakdowns...trust.  Seems simple, but there's much nuance to it that is under the surface that I've known was there but wasn't ever able to put a finger on.  This book gave me the "aha, that's what the trouble is" on both ends of the spectrum- the person trying to gain trust and the person trying to trust the other party.  I resound what Dr. John Delony says again and again..."these are just skills we need to learn because we don't know them yet".  These aren't character flaws or personality foibles in us, these are teachable moments to improve our communication and relationships most of all.  These are skills for our family and friends, as well as for the workplace, church board or whatever place we are that we have to deal with people.

First of all, what is trust?  He uses 2 definitions which are "assured reliance on character, ability, strength, or truth of someone or something" and as a verb "to believe that someone is good and honest and will not harm you, or that something is safe and reliable".  Long and short, our bodies and minds are always asking "am I safe?"  We are constantly moving towards or away from something based on this sole factor.  There are 5 ways that he lists that we do that called The Anatomy of Trust.

1. We trust someone when we feel our needs are understood, felt and cared about.
2. We trust when we feel their motive is for us, not just for themselves.
3. We trust someone when we feel they have the ability or capacity to guard and deliver results for what you have entrusted them with.
4. We trust someone who has the character and personal makeup needed for what we entrust them with.
5. We trust someone who has a track record of performing in the ways that we need them to perform. 

 

Leading someone to trust does not begin with you *trying to* convince them of something.  It begins with listening and by trying to understand them.  By trying to see what they want and what they feel and what they need.  By knowing what matters to them (empathy) instead of trying to persuade them to see things your way.  You need to let them know that you understand them by repeating this back to them in conversation.  This changes the brain from the closed state (guarding against you) to the open state (beginning to trust).  This begins with mirroring our parents when we are babies, and grows from there.  From small toddlers to big corporate leaders, we all want to be understood before we take input.  "We can never act in ways that cause someone to trust us if we do not understand what they feel, think, need, desire and fear."

Proverbs 18:13 He that answereth a matter before he heareth it, it is folly and shame unto him.

In that verse, the word "hear" means "understands" from Strong's concordance.  When we fail to understand someone, it unknowingly communicates that we only care about ourselves.  When we truly know and understand someone, what they like and dislike, what they need and desire, and very importantly- what hurts them.

Motive is next.  Do they care about me?  Or do they have an ulterior motive?  Are they looking out for my good, while caring for their own life too?  Always look into the "why" behind why people do what they do.  Is it for selfish reasons, success, fame?  Do they love their neighbor (you/me) as themselves?  We can let down our guard when we can trust these questions.

Matthew 22:37-40 Jesus said unto him, Thou shalt love the Lord thy God with all thy heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy mind.  This is the first and great commandment. And the second is like unto it, Thou shalt love thy neighbour as thyself.  On these two commandments hang all the law and the prophets.

Just because someone has understanding and a good motive, doesn't mean they have the ability to do what we are asking them to do.  We may need to trust them in a specific way, and do they have the ability to do so?  Many times this falls apart due to trust in other areas, but not experience in the specific way needed (children taking over a family business, for instance).  Training and building trust with adding responsibilities is still required. Is this person suitable for the task/job at hand?  If not, would someone else be a better fit?  Are they humble enough to admit when something is out of their expertise?  It is wisdom to vet people for ability before trusting them in a specific area. (The parable of the talents comes to mind in Matt 25:14-29)

The next essential is character.  We need to look past just moral and ethical standards, and look a bit deeper.   This takes self-awareness as it deals with our own emotions and the emotions of others.  How adaptive are we when things go awry?  Are we positive or negative?  Can we work well with others?

2 Peter 1:5-9 And beside this, giving all diligence, add to your faith virtue; and to virtue knowledge;

And to knowledge temperance; and to temperance patience; and to patience godliness; And to godliness brotherly kindness; and to brotherly kindness charity. For if these things be in you, and abound, they make you that ye shall neither be barren nor unfruitful in the knowledge of our Lord Jesus Christ. But he that lacketh these things is blind, and cannot see afar off, and hath forgotten that he was purged from his old sins.

Here's a few traits we also want to be aware of that break down relationships (looking in ourselves, or  when dealing with others).

• defensiveness (what happens when you can't point out a problem or resolve a conflict?)
• anger (how can you deal with someone prone to outbursts, rage or explosiveness?)
• narcissism (how do we trust when someone who is always about themselves?)
• drama and emotional instability (very hard to trust unpredictability)
• control (how do we deal with people who need to be in control all the time?)
• neediness and dependency (some people are still overly needy and dependent, still like children)
• irresponsibility (how can we trust they will do what they say they'll do?)
• codependency or lack of boundaries (unable to set limits on ability, time, resources, etc)
• gossip or divisive behavior (Proverbs 17:9 He that covereth a transgression seeketh love; but he that repeateth a matter separateth very friends.)

We are not looking for perfection here, as we are all human and fail much every day.  What we are looking for is a whole picture of traits combined that make you believe the person is who they say they are, and can do what they say they will do.

Fifth and last comes track record.  The past is the best indicator of the future.  Whenever we trust someone, we make ourselves vulnerable.  If we don't know if they can come through for us in our vulnerability, we need proof somehow.  We need objective reasons to hope and trust in them.  Someone who doesn't listen well can't just say they'll listen and you believe them.  They need to prove it over and over again until it is believed.  Selfish people don't just start caring about others.  Lazy people don't change overnight.  These all take time and effort to change.  Trust is simply not given, it must be earned.  Mistakes again can and will be made, but then amends must be made as well.  Forgiveness is needed and is free, but trust must be re-earned.  Sometimes someone has a stellar track record in most areas, but not the area you need them to (marriage, parenting, moving up to new job responsibilities, etc).  This doesn't mean you don't trust them, but that other factors must stand in for those lacking.  We really do need all 5 areas secure before our bodies feel they can trust someone.  Again, not looking for perfection, but staying within our abilities and strengths and not trying to be "all things to all people".

Next chapter he goes into is how we can lose our "trust muscle".  Do we struggle depending on other people?  Because trust is dependency.  He then goes into attachment styles, which is a whole 'nother subject in and of itself, but it can help us see how much we do or don't trust other people.  There's whole books written on this subject, as well as online quizzes to figure out which one you are.

The secure attachment style is people who are well adjusted, can ask for what they need, and expect that others will be there for them.  The anxious attachment style is people who fear abandonment and can be needy or clingy.  They constantly need reassurance because they feel that other people do not care enough about them, won't respond adequately to them or may reject them.  The fearful vulnerability they bring into a relationship causes much distortion and an interruption of trust. As soon as people get close, the fears come to the surface and chase away relationship.  The avoidant attachment style keeps up a defense to keep people away so they don't have to be vulnerable.  These are people described as emotionally distant or unavailable.  The last one is the fearful-avoidant style.  They want to trust, but then they pull away as soon as they get close.  These people can seem friendly and want to connect, but then as soon as they feel vulnerable they pull away.  The other person often asks, "what did I do?"  This can cause much chaos, pain and drama as they fail to trust people who are actually trustworthy.

Interesting to note, all of these attachment styles come down to the root of understanding.  Does someone understand what I need, who I am, what hurts me, what helps me and other things that are important to me?  Understanding is the foundation of all trust.  To be known and understood.  As soon as we get the cue that someone else is not understanding us, that's when suspicion and other forms of brokenness affect our "trust muscle".  When someone does not feel understood during their developing years, they will spend a lifetime fearing trusting relationships.  This can also come under the control category.  When we trust, then we can depend on others while still being free to be ourselves.  None of us want to give up freedom and autonomy in exchange for being controlled by someone else.  

Other barriers to trust is the feeling that perfection is required for the ability to feel loved or accepted.  This could come in many ways, but the underlying message is, "if I fail in any way, you will reject me or will not love me or will shame me".  This could be physical experiences, moral standards, or a failure to meet some premeasured standard.  People who are ok with imperfections do well with trust.  They can own their own flaws and shortcomings, and do the same in other people.  The other barrier to trust is step-up or step-down relationships.  If we always feel above or below other people, it will cause us not to trust them.  Sometimes, other people clearly want to keep us below them, with everything being a competition to stay on top.  There is an underlying fear that seeing the world as an unequal place destroys trust.  It makes all relationships a competition for best.  You can't trust when you feel everyone is out to be "better than" "smarter than" "loved more than" you.

The next section is on repairing trust once it's been broken.  It's never easy and is often a choice between 2 unfavorable options.  You should only trust again with solid reasons based on objective criteria.  You need to know whether you're dealing with the same person, or a new one.

1. Take time to heal and get well.  We've been injured and we need to heal.  Don't isolate or withdraw, but seek comfort and compassion with people who can support you and care for you.  Recognize shock, numbness, denial and catastrophic thinking that comes with your pain.  Hebrews 12:12-13 Wherefore lift up the hands which hang down, and the feeble knees; And make straight paths for your feet, lest that which is lame be turned out of the way; but let it rather be healed.
2. Move beyond anger and towards forgiveness.  Forgiveness is a gift we give ourselves towards freedom.  To nurse anger and bitterness is allowing a cancer to grow in your heart, soul and mind.  As long as you are holding onto the hurts inside of you, that person still owns you.  But this also means we need to feel the anger of the hurt and betrayal, and not squelch it.  We need to feel our feelings as they come and go.  Anger and forgiveness are never neat and tidy, a "once and done".  Do not deny the gravity of what was done (whether intentional or unintentional), call it what it was and how it feels no matter how messy it sounds.  Forgiveness has to do with the past, trust has to do with the future.  Colossians 1:14 In whom we have redemption through his blood, even the forgiveness of sins:
3. Ponder what you really want.  What is the best outcome we can imagine going forward?  Should you stay or go? What behavior would I like to see?  Are there things worth fighting for?  Or are my eyes finally open enough to see that there's nothing more for me here?  Is there a bigger picture than just this situation?  This will take prayer and soul searching.  We are not pondering forgiveness anymore, we are pondering going forward.  This may take a lot of time as you evaluate whether you're dealing with Jekyll, Hyde or someone (hopefully) new.  Ecc 3:5  ...a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing;
4. Figure out if reconciliation is available.  Reconciliation is forgiveness, but is not trust (yet).  For it to work, both parties have to engage in the process.  Clear communication of the problem, and ask a few more questions.  Do they take responsibility for what they did?  Do they see that it was wrong?  Do they understand the consequences or how it has hurt you or others? Do they repent and apologize as needed? Are they transparent with information, or do they give full access to the truth?  Are they coming clean with the whole story?  Still not trusting yet again, but getting answers so you can make an educated decision.  If there's any "not my fault" answers in there, this will give you indications what to do.  This would be things like denial, lying, gaslighting, blaming, excusing, minimizing, rationalizing, invalidating, etc.  Wise people will listen to the confrontation, own it, apologize for it, learn from it and behave differently as a result of being corrected.  We need to own our own part of the breakdown as well.  Learn about our own strengths and weaknesses.  For example, we may have seen red flags long ago, but because we lack conflict resolution skills, we avoided addressing/dealing with the problem. Proverbs 15:31 The ear that heareth the reproof of life abideth among the wise.        Matthew 18:15-18 Moreover if thy brother shall trespass against thee, go and tell him his fault between thee and him alone: if he shall hear thee, thou hast gained thy brother. But if he will not hear thee, then take with thee one or two more, that in the mouth of two or three witnesses every word may be established. And if he shall neglect to hear them, tell it unto the church: but if he neglect to hear the church, let him be unto thee as an heathen man and a publican. Verily I say unto you, Whatsoever ye shall bind on earth shall be bound in heaven: and whatsoever ye shall loose on earth shall be loosed in heaven.
5. Assess trustworthiness, to determine if trust is an option. We need to start back at the essentials and work through them.  Do they understand what is important to me?  Do they understand what I need from them? Do they understand what makes me feel open and free with them and what will make me move towards them in trust?  Does he/she understand me, my reality, and my desires in our relationship (or are they only focused on themselves)?  Also asking where the relationship broke down in the first place is good to evaluate.  Where was there a lack of understanding? Was there a focus that didn't take both sides into consideration?  What abilities may have been assumed but were actually lacking?  How did this lead to disappointment, injury or hurt?  What character traits have hurt the relationships and should be addressed?  What is this person's track record in other relationships?
6. Look for evidence of real change.  

• admission of need (admit and receive help)
• verifiable involvement in a proven process (AA or something tried and true as needed)
• structured approach (a way to learn new skills)
• skilled help (someone specific who can tailor it to our situation and needs)
• new experiences and skills (what are they learning and applying?)
• self-sustaining motivation (craving and seeking help on their own)
• presence of support (listener, encourager, and safety net)
• some evidence of change (this will take time, but we want to see changes slowly for the better)
• monitoring systems (someone to monitor progress, can be people from above lists)
• total transparency (if there's been lying, duplicity, secrecy, etc)
• willingness to be questioned (if trust has been broken, there will be suspicion and so the person should be willing to be questioned.  If they get defensive, this will make things worse.  People who are trying to rebuild trust should welcome questions.)

The two parties directly involve in the breakdown of trust usually cannot restore it on their own.  Who can help you navigate this process?  How will you learn new skills so this won't happen again?  What kind of structured path can you build the new, better relationship?

____________________

I think of these things as I raise my kids.  I'm learning new skills to relate to them, ones that I've never learned before (and have had to repent of my old ways to them).  One example that I was talking about with a friend, is how we can deal with over dramatic, emotional sons/daughters.  Here's an example~

Daughter comes in crying, "Everybody hates me, nobody likes me!"  As a Mom, you know this isn't true, but it's how she feels right now.  We have 2 choices.  We can tell her, "That isn't true, so and so likes you, and so does this person and that person (and on and on to try to convince her she's wrong)" And we as adults know that all of her friends are probably at home complaining of the same fate to their mothers!  But if we dig deeper we can ask ourselves, why is she telling me that?  What are her feelings behind her words?  Why does she feel like everyone hates her?  Is she lonely and wants to see them? Bored? Hurt by one or more of them? Worried about one of them?  What is it?  We need to dig deeper by asking her more questions.  She's likely really looking for empathy, love and compassion; not us trying to convince her how we think she should feel by trying to talk her out of it.  She feels completely unheard if we do that and the trust has been broken.   She will feel that we don't understand her at all, and that we haven't even tried (and possibly that we don't love her either).  We (as parents) just think (by our words to her) that we have it all figured out from a stable, unemotional adult perspective; yet we've missed the whole bonding experience with our daughter because we didn't seek to understand her deeper.  Regretfully I've done this countless times with my kids because I knew no other way. ("it's not that bad", "you're blowing this way out of proportion", "quit overreacting", etc)  Here's a list of emotions below that you can download to get you started.  Reading old classic books has helped me as well.  Books like Pride and Prejudice, Emma, Jane Eyre, Gone With The Wind have also helped me improve my emotional vocabulary to better express myself.

Atlas of the Heart List of Emotions - Brené Brown (brenebrown.com)

Our job as parents is to teach an emotional vocabulary to our kids.  Help them to express themselves because none of us were born with these skills, especially us introverts.  80% of adults questioned only had 3 emotions (happy, sad, angry).  But there's so many more out there that we can teach our kids!  The only way they'll learn it is from other people, and us parents are the best ones to do this.  I've never learned how to express my needs or emotions as they are, I've always logically explained them away as if they belonged to someone else (because that keeps me from being vulnerable!)  It actually decreases the emotions when we can healthily express them.  This doesn't mean they'll become more "out of hand", but actually they become less volatile because they aren't continuously building up for a volcano (their body is screaming for connection, only to be shut down and dismissed).  Healthy emotional expression just gently seeps in and out of our lives, the joys and the heartaches.

So, we can ask questions like~

• How does/did that make you feel?
• What can I do to help you?
• How can I show you my love right now?
• Can I give you a hug? Rub your feet/back?
• Do you want me here, or would you prefer time alone and I can check back in on you?

These emotionally charged times are NOT the time for lecturing or advice.  That can come later when they are emotionally stable and stronger.  Now is the time for support and love.  And empathy and compassion.  A time to keep our mouths shut and let them cry and cry and talk if they want.  I recently read an article on helping kids grieve and it likened it to a tunnel.  To let them cry until they are all cried out, and then that's the light at the end of that tunnel for them (on that day).  I was skeptical, but I tried it with 2 different children.  I held them and let them cry until they were done.  Yes, this was 1-2 hours of it each time.  I didn't talk, I occasionally sang to them after getting their permission.  It was super hard as a mom to do this, but after they were each done, they were at peace.  They knew they were loved and supported through their hard day (that had been accumulating for a while!)  One of them even said after (in my Mother's Day card) "thanks for loving me when I'm not being lovable".  These were new words to hear, from new behaviors I'd learned.  This child felt heard and loved because I didn't try to talk them out of their emotions (which negates any sort of understanding); but sat in them with (without getting sucked into the vortex of their overwhelm as well, which is also easy to do).

Another example happened just this week.  One child was being mean over and over to their younger siblings.  I had gotten after this child many times, separated them, tried to find out the reason behind the meanness.  When I finally sat down and dug into the heart of the matter, I found out that this child was scared.  They were being left alone with the younger siblings for a short while each day, and they were worried that one of the younger siblings would choke while Mom was gone.  The meanness was actually fear that something bad would happen and they wouldn't know what to do.  They didn't know how to express it, and had tried to talk themself out of it to no avail, so it came out in bullying instead.  I can now see that this is often the case, and we moms often don't know how to or will take the time to dig a bit deeper to help them put words into what they are feeling.  After I knew this, I could help this child navigate what they should do, and comfort them in their inner turmoil; not by minimizing it and pretending it was no big deal or by brushing over it either.  But by trying to understand the root of it and having compassion.  It's definitely more time consuming this way, but I can see a big difference in the peace of my children when I do take the time to seek to understand (and not pretend I understand by putting words in their mouths, which is also easy to do! (I do that to Greg too...ugh!))

If you don't feel like reading the whole book (which I do recommend), this YouTube talk of his is well worth it. (the first 3 min are fluff, so you can skip in a bit)

Trust - Dr. Henry Cloud - YouTube