I've had another breakthrough, easing a huge burden off my shoulders yet again. This one is multi faceted and although I don't understand all the dynamics, I do know this is another reason I've struggled with relationship breakdowns...trust. Seems simple, but there's much nuance to it that is under the surface that I've known was there but wasn't ever able to put a finger on. This book gave me the "aha, that's what the trouble is" on both ends of the spectrum- the person trying to gain trust and the person trying to trust the other party. I resound what Dr. John Delony says again and again..."these are just skills we need to learn because we don't know them yet". These aren't character flaws or personality foibles in us, these are teachable moments to improve our communication and relationships most of all. These are skills for our family and friends, as well as for the workplace, church board or whatever place we are that we have to deal with people.
First of all, what is trust? He uses 2 definitions which are "assured reliance on character, ability, strength, or truth of someone or something" and as a verb "to believe that someone is good and honest and will not harm you, or that something is safe and reliable". Long and short, our bodies and minds are always asking "am I safe?" We are constantly moving towards or away from something based on this sole factor. There are 5 ways that he lists that we do that called The Anatomy of Trust.
- We trust someone when we feel our needs are understood, felt and cared about.
- We trust when we feel their motive is for us, not just for themselves.
- We trust someone when we feel they have the ability or capacity to guard and deliver results for what you have entrusted them with.
- We trust someone who has the character and personal makeup needed for what we entrust them with.
- We trust someone who has a track record of performing in the ways that we need them to perform.
Leading someone to trust does not begin with you *trying to* convince them of something. It begins with listening and by trying to understand them. By trying to see what they want and what they feel and what they need. By knowing what matters to them (empathy) instead of trying to persuade them to see things your way. You need to let them know that you understand them by repeating this back to them in conversation. This changes the brain from the closed state (guarding against you) to the open state (beginning to trust). This begins with mirroring our parents when we are babies, and grows from there. From small toddlers to big corporate leaders, we all want to be understood before we take input. "We can never act in ways that cause someone to trust us if we do not understand what they feel, think, need, desire and fear."
Proverbs 18:13 He that answereth a matter before he heareth it, it is folly and shame unto him.
In that verse, the word "hear" means "understands" from Strong's concordance. When we fail to understand someone, it unknowingly communicates that we only care about ourselves. When we truly know and understand someone, what they like and dislike, what they need and desire, and very importantly- what hurts them.
Motive is next. Do they care about me? Or do they have an ulterior motive? Are they looking out for my good, while caring for their own life too? Always look into the "why" behind why people do what they do. Is it for selfish reasons, success, fame? Do they love their neighbor (you/me) as themselves? We can let down our guard when we can trust these questions.
Matthew 22:37-40 Jesus said unto him, Thou shalt love the Lord thy God with all thy heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy mind. This is the first and great commandment. And the second is like unto it, Thou shalt love thy neighbour as thyself. On these two commandments hang all the law and the prophets.
Just because someone has understanding and a good motive, doesn't mean they have the ability to do what we are asking them to do. We may need to trust them in a specific way, and do they have the ability to do so? Many times this falls apart due to trust in other areas, but not experience in the specific way needed (children taking over a family business, for instance). Training and building trust with adding responsibilities is still required. Is this person suitable for the task/job at hand? If not, would someone else be a better fit? Are they humble enough to admit when something is out of their expertise? It is wisdom to vet people for ability before trusting them in a specific area. (The parable of the talents comes to mind in Matt 25:14-29)
The next essential is character. We need to look past just moral and ethical standards, and look a bit deeper. This takes self-awareness as it deals with our own emotions and the emotions of others. How adaptive are we when things go awry? Are we positive or negative? Can we work well with others?
And to knowledge temperance; and to temperance patience; and to patience godliness; And to godliness brotherly kindness; and to brotherly kindness charity. For if these things be in you, and abound, they make you that ye shall neither be barren nor unfruitful in the knowledge of our Lord Jesus Christ. But he that lacketh these things is blind, and cannot see afar off, and hath forgotten that he was purged from his old sins.
Here's a few traits we also want to be aware of that break down relationships (looking in ourselves, or when dealing with others).
- defensiveness (what happens when you can't point out a problem or resolve a conflict?)
- anger (how can you deal with someone prone to outbursts, rage or explosiveness?)
- narcissism (how do we trust when someone who is always about themselves?)
- drama and emotional instability (very hard to trust unpredictability)
- control (how do we deal with people who need to be in control all the time?)
- neediness and dependency (some people are still overly needy and dependent, still like children)
- irresponsibility (how can we trust they will do what they say they'll do?)
- codependency or lack of boundaries (unable to set limits on ability, time, resources, etc)
- gossip or divisive behavior (Proverbs 17:9 He that covereth a transgression seeketh love; but he that repeateth a matter separateth very friends.)
We are not looking for perfection here, as we are all human and fail much every day. What we are looking for is a whole picture of traits combined that make you believe the person is who they say they are, and can do what they say they will do.
Fifth and last comes track record. The past is the best indicator of the future. Whenever we trust someone, we make ourselves vulnerable. If we don't know if they can come through for us in our vulnerability, we need proof somehow. We need objective reasons to hope and trust in them. Someone who doesn't listen well can't just say they'll listen and you believe them. They need to prove it over and over again until it is believed. Selfish people don't just start caring about others. Lazy people don't change overnight. These all take time and effort to change. Trust is simply not given, it must be earned. Mistakes again can and will be made, but then amends must be made as well. Forgiveness is needed and is free, but trust must be re-earned. Sometimes someone has a stellar track record in most areas, but not the area you need them to (marriage, parenting, moving up to new job responsibilities, etc). This doesn't mean you don't trust them, but that other factors must stand in for those lacking. We really do need all 5 areas secure before our bodies feel they can trust someone. Again, not looking for perfection, but staying within our abilities and strengths and not trying to be "all things to all people".
Next chapter he goes into is how we can lose our "trust muscle". Do we struggle depending on other people? Because trust is dependency. He then goes into attachment styles, which is a whole 'nother subject in and of itself, but it can help us see how much we do or don't trust other people. There's whole books written on this subject, as well as online quizzes to figure out which one you are.
The secure attachment style is people who are well adjusted, can ask for what they need, and expect that others will be there for them. The anxious attachment style is people who fear abandonment and can be needy or clingy. They constantly need reassurance because they feel that other people do not care enough about them, won't respond adequately to them or may reject them. The fearful vulnerability they bring into a relationship causes much distortion and an interruption of trust. As soon as people get close, the fears come to the surface and chase away relationship. The avoidant attachment style keeps up a defense to keep people away so they don't have to be vulnerable. These are people described as emotionally distant or unavailable. The last one is the fearful-avoidant style. They want to trust, but then they pull away as soon as they get close. These people can seem friendly and want to connect, but then as soon as they feel vulnerable they pull away. The other person often asks, "what did I do?" This can cause much chaos, pain and drama as they fail to trust people who are actually trustworthy.
Interesting to note, all of these attachment styles come down to the root of understanding. Does someone understand what I need, who I am, what hurts me, what helps me and other things that are important to me? Understanding is the foundation of all trust. To be known and understood. As soon as we get the cue that someone else is not understanding us, that's when suspicion and other forms of brokenness affect our "trust muscle". When someone does not feel understood during their developing years, they will spend a lifetime fearing trusting relationships. This can also come under the control category. When we trust, then we can depend on others while still being free to be ourselves. None of us want to give up freedom and autonomy in exchange for being controlled by someone else.
Other barriers to trust is the feeling that perfection is required for the ability to feel loved or accepted. This could come in many ways, but the underlying message is, "if I fail in any way, you will reject me or will not love me or will shame me". This could be physical experiences, moral standards, or a failure to meet some premeasured standard. People who are ok with imperfections do well with trust. They can own their own flaws and shortcomings, and do the same in other people. The other barrier to trust is step-up or step-down relationships. If we always feel above or below other people, it will cause us not to trust them. Sometimes, other people clearly want to keep us below them, with everything being a competition to stay on top. There is an underlying fear that seeing the world as an unequal place destroys trust. It makes all relationships a competition for best. You can't trust when you feel everyone is out to be "better than" "smarter than" "loved more than" you.
The next section is on repairing trust once it's been broken. It's never easy and is often a choice between 2 unfavorable options. You should only trust again with solid reasons based on objective criteria. You need to know whether you're dealing with the same person, or a new one.
- Take time to heal and get well. We've been injured and we need to heal. Don't isolate or withdraw, but seek comfort and compassion with people who can support you and care for you. Recognize shock, numbness, denial and catastrophic thinking that comes with your pain. Hebrews 12:12-13 Wherefore lift up the hands which hang down, and the feeble knees; And make straight paths for your feet, lest that which is lame be turned out of the way; but let it rather be healed.
- Move beyond anger and towards forgiveness. Forgiveness is a gift we give ourselves towards freedom. To nurse anger and bitterness is allowing a cancer to grow in your heart, soul and mind. As long as you are holding onto the hurts inside of you, that person still owns you. But this also means we need to feel the anger of the hurt and betrayal, and not squelch it. We need to feel our feelings as they come and go. Anger and forgiveness are never neat and tidy, a "once and done". Do not deny the gravity of what was done (whether intentional or unintentional), call it what it was and how it feels no matter how messy it sounds. Forgiveness has to do with the past, trust has to do with the future. Colossians 1:14 In whom we have redemption through his blood, even the forgiveness of sins:
- Ponder what you really want. What is the best outcome we can imagine going forward? Should you stay or go? What behavior would I like to see? Are there things worth fighting for? Or are my eyes finally open enough to see that there's nothing more for me here? Is there a bigger picture than just this situation? This will take prayer and soul searching. We are not pondering forgiveness anymore, we are pondering going forward. This may take a lot of time as you evaluate whether you're dealing with Jekyll, Hyde or someone (hopefully) new. Ecc 3:5 ...a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing;
- Figure out if reconciliation is available. Reconciliation is forgiveness, but is not trust (yet). For it to work, both parties have to engage in the process. Clear communication of the problem, and ask a few more questions. Do they take responsibility for what they did? Do they see that it was wrong? Do they understand the consequences or how it has hurt you or others? Do they repent and apologize as needed? Are they transparent with information, or do they give full access to the truth? Are they coming clean with the whole story? Still not trusting yet again, but getting answers so you can make an educated decision. If there's any "not my fault" answers in there, this will give you indications what to do. This would be things like denial, lying, gaslighting, blaming, excusing, minimizing, rationalizing, invalidating, etc. Wise people will listen to the confrontation, own it, apologize for it, learn from it and behave differently as a result of being corrected. We need to own our own part of the breakdown as well. Learn about our own strengths and weaknesses. For example, we may have seen red flags long ago, but because we lack conflict resolution skills, we avoided addressing/dealing with the problem. Proverbs 15:31 The ear that heareth the reproof of life abideth among the wise. Matthew 18:15-18 Moreover if thy brother shall trespass against thee, go and tell him his fault between thee and him alone: if he shall hear thee, thou hast gained thy brother. But if he will not hear thee, then take with thee one or two more, that in the mouth of two or three witnesses every word may be established. And if he shall neglect to hear them, tell it unto the church: but if he neglect to hear the church, let him be unto thee as an heathen man and a publican. Verily I say unto you, Whatsoever ye shall bind on earth shall be bound in heaven: and whatsoever ye shall loose on earth shall be loosed in heaven.
- Assess trustworthiness, to determine if trust is an option. We need to start back at the essentials and work through them. Do they understand what is important to me? Do they understand what I need from them? Do they understand what makes me feel open and free with them and what will make me move towards them in trust? Does he/she understand me, my reality, and my desires in our relationship (or are they only focused on themselves)? Also asking where the relationship broke down in the first place is good to evaluate. Where was there a lack of understanding? Was there a focus that didn't take both sides into consideration? What abilities may have been assumed but were actually lacking? How did this lead to disappointment, injury or hurt? What character traits have hurt the relationships and should be addressed? What is this person's track record in other relationships?
- Look for evidence of real change.
- admission of need (admit and receive help)
- verifiable involvement in a proven process (AA or something tried and true as needed)
- structured approach (a way to learn new skills)
- skilled help (someone specific who can tailor it to our situation and needs)
- new experiences and skills (what are they learning and applying?)
- self-sustaining motivation (craving and seeking help on their own)
- presence of support (listener, encourager, and safety net)
- some evidence of change (this will take time, but we want to see changes slowly for the better)
- monitoring systems (someone to monitor progress, can be people from above lists)
- total transparency (if there's been lying, duplicity, secrecy, etc)
- willingness to be questioned (if trust has been broken, there will be suspicion and so the person should be willing to be questioned. If they get defensive, this will make things worse. People who are trying to rebuild trust should welcome questions.)
The two parties directly involve in the breakdown of trust usually cannot restore it on their own. Who can help you navigate this process? How will you learn new skills so this won't happen again? What kind of structured path can you build the new, better relationship?
____________________
I think of these things as I raise my kids. I'm learning new skills to relate to them, ones that I've never learned before (and have had to repent of my old ways to them). One example that I was talking about with a friend, is how we can deal with over dramatic, emotional sons/daughters. Here's an example~
Daughter comes in crying, "Everybody hates me, nobody likes me!" As a Mom, you know this isn't true, but it's how she feels right now. We have 2 choices. We can tell her, "That isn't true, so and so likes you, and so does this person and that person (and on and on to try to convince her she's wrong)" And we as adults know that all of her friends are probably at home complaining of the same fate to their mothers! But if we dig deeper we can ask ourselves, why is she telling me that? What are her feelings behind her words? Why does she feel like everyone hates her? Is she lonely and wants to see them? Bored? Hurt by one or more of them? Worried about one of them? What is it? We need to dig deeper by asking her more questions. She's likely really looking for empathy, love and compassion; not us trying to convince her how we think she should feel by trying to talk her out of it. She feels completely unheard if we do that and the trust has been broken. She will feel that we don't understand her at all, and that we haven't even tried (and possibly that we don't love her either). We (as parents) just think (by our words to her) that we have it all figured out from a stable, unemotional adult perspective; yet we've missed the whole bonding experience with our daughter because we didn't seek to understand her deeper. Regretfully I've done this countless times with my kids because I knew no other way. ("it's not that bad", "you're blowing this way out of proportion", "quit overreacting", etc) Here's a list of emotions below that you can download to get you started. Reading old classic books has helped me as well. Books like Pride and Prejudice, Emma, Jane Eyre, Gone With The Wind have also helped me improve my emotional vocabulary to better express myself.
Our job as parents is to teach an emotional vocabulary to our kids. Help them to express themselves because none of us were born with these skills, especially us introverts. 80% of adults questioned only had 3 emotions (happy, sad, angry). But there's so many more out there that we can teach our kids! The only way they'll learn it is from other people, and us parents are the best ones to do this. I've never learned how to express my needs or emotions as they are, I've always logically explained them away as if they belonged to someone else (because that keeps me from being vulnerable!) It actually decreases the emotions when we can healthily express them. This doesn't mean they'll become more "out of hand", but actually they become less volatile because they aren't continuously building up for a volcano (their body is screaming for connection, only to be shut down and dismissed). Healthy emotional expression just gently seeps in and out of our lives, the joys and the heartaches.
So, we can ask questions like~
- How does/did that make you feel?
- What can I do to help you?
- How can I show you my love right now?
- Can I give you a hug? Rub your feet/back?
- Do you want me here, or would you prefer time alone and I can check back in on you?
These emotionally charged times are NOT the time for lecturing or advice. That can come later when they are emotionally stable and stronger. Now is the time for support and love. And empathy and compassion. A time to keep our mouths shut and let them cry and cry and talk if they want. I recently read an article on helping kids grieve and it likened it to a tunnel. To let them cry until they are all cried out, and then that's the light at the end of that tunnel for them (on that day). I was skeptical, but I tried it with 2 different children. I held them and let them cry until they were done. Yes, this was 1-2 hours of it each time. I didn't talk, I occasionally sang to them after getting their permission. It was super hard as a mom to do this, but after they were each done, they were at peace. They knew they were loved and supported through their hard day (that had been accumulating for a while!) One of them even said after (in my Mother's Day card) "thanks for loving me when I'm not being lovable". These were new words to hear, from new behaviors I'd learned. This child felt heard and loved because I didn't try to talk them out of their emotions (which negates any sort of understanding); but sat in them with (without getting sucked into the vortex of their overwhelm as well, which is also easy to do).
Another example happened just this week. One child was being mean over and over to their younger siblings. I had gotten after this child many times, separated them, tried to find out the reason behind the meanness. When I finally sat down and dug into the heart of the matter, I found out that this child was scared. They were being left alone with the younger siblings for a short while each day, and they were worried that one of the younger siblings would choke while Mom was gone. The meanness was actually fear that something bad would happen and they wouldn't know what to do. They didn't know how to express it, and had tried to talk themself out of it to no avail, so it came out in bullying instead. I can now see that this is often the case, and we moms often don't know how to or will take the time to dig a bit deeper to help them put words into what they are feeling. After I knew this, I could help this child navigate what they should do, and comfort them in their inner turmoil; not by minimizing it and pretending it was no big deal or by brushing over it either. But by trying to understand the root of it and having compassion. It's definitely more time consuming this way, but I can see a big difference in the peace of my children when I do take the time to seek to understand (and not pretend I understand by putting words in their mouths, which is also easy to do! (I do that to Greg too...ugh!))
If you don't feel like reading the whole book (which I do recommend), this YouTube talk of his is well worth it. (the first 3 min are fluff, so you can skip in a bit)
