Empathy. Take 1.

When I started back at counseling last spring (with my new counselor), and she asked me what I wanted out of her, I told her that my life seemed to run on guilt, shame and grief. I wanted it to run on joy, peace, and hope (and other good things). I do wholly understand that all our lives will have both, but mine has seemed to take on the first three as its propulsion forward. Yeah, not good. So, all spring we've been working on different things, and when I went to her last week with some difficulties I was having trouble navigating, she said, "I think you need to learn more about empathy". What, me?!  The one who cares about far more people than she should?  The one who has bent over backwards trying to meet everyone's needs, while neglecting my own for decades?  Me?!  Yup, codependent me.  Ouch. But, after I wrapped my head around that, I realized she was right. I had been already studying the Biblical way to comfort others on my own time and had realized that they are kind of the same thing, and I could learn a bunch. Just go sit with someone with a chronic illness (but not unto death yet) and see how the conversation goes.  And then do it again.  And again.  And don't try to save, fix, or solve a thing; just love on them and listen to them.  It's harder than you might think. That's where empathy jumps in.  So, I'm going to delve into it here (to sort it out in my own brain) on what empathy is and isn't, and how we can get better at it. I say in the title "take 1" because I'm sure I'm barely scratching the surface, and this could take another decade to parse out.

For starters, it begins when we can't/won't (each situation is different) express our feelings and emotions about a situation that we're trying to process. This would typically be a negative experience such as a conflict, awkwardness, hurt, grief or pain. Instead of knowing or saying how we actually feel (I'm sad because...), we instead tell the (often dramatic) story of how things went. The "he said/she said" of it all, which comes from our brain (not our heart) because it's safer (less vulnerable) that way. So, we (person A) find a willing listener (person B) and tell them our story. We often ending up blaming the "meany" (person C) for how things went, because we want our captive audience (B) to really see that we're hurting (although we don't actually say this, because that would show weakness). So, we instead *imply* that we're the victim (A) and the other person  (C) is the meany , and the listener (B) is just supposed to know what we're feeling by the details of the story. Understand how this is getting complicated?!

So then the listener (B) is stuck in a hard place. Often they know the "meany" (C) themselves in person, and know this is likely overexaggerated and blown out of proportion due to the underlying hurt, but they can't really say that, because that would be discrediting their friend (A) who is telling the story. If they agree with the speaker (A), then they feel like they are taking sides on a situation they really don't have the facts on. If they disagree then they are being disloyal to their friend (and it is often assumed that they are taking the meany's side (C)), when it is neither. They are just stuck in a hard place of having to choose who they think is telling the truth. Then the person who is hurting (A) is still hurting and also feeling misunderstood, and the listener (B) is stuck wondering what should be done to remedy the situation as well.  Got all that?!

Enter empathy. Empathy requires just 'holding space' (I know that's a weird phrase for me too!) by being there, listening and asking more questions to seek to understand the feelings behind the story. The story itself is hardly relevant, it's the perception that is the valuable part. Whether true or untrue, whether we agree or disagree; that's not our job to decide. Ugh. Yep. Let all that go. We are just entering into their pain with them and letting them know they are not alone. That's all. Some of us have never/rarely had this done to us, and have never learned how to do this for others. Note: this is far harder with longtime friends and family than with strangers. It's easy to offer it to strangers, but with close friends and family (with whom we have a history), to remain judgement free and unbiased seems nigh on  impossible.  If you haven't done this before, start on your kids.  They are the easiest.  No advice, no lecturing; just loving, comforting and seeking to understand them deeper when they are struggling with something.  

Why do we struggle to give empathy? Here's a few thoughts. Often we don't know how to express our own feelings so we can't enter the world of another's feelings or emotions. We've never learned these skills.

The next reason is we don't know the difference between our own feelings and those of others. We lack the boundaries to know what's our responsibility and what is the other person's responsibility. If your day is ruined because of someone else's issues or problems, that's codependency and poor boundaries. A healthy state keeps your feelings separate from other people's.

I found a list below (on Pinterest, not sure original source) that was really helpful in regards to sorting this out.  I admit I've done all of these things in a meager attempt to give (what I thought was) empathy.  I'm really good at some of them, unfortunately.  I repent of my intentions and ignorance and am trying to learn and grow from here.  I don't understand why this is so complicated, but somehow it is.  Us humans have been misled in our own thoughts and wayward ways since time immemorial, so what's new hey?!  One book I read touted a lot of this stemming from our immigrant ancestors who left their support systems of elders in "the old country" and just fended for themselves, coping the best they could without much guidance.  It also could be the "children should be seen and not heard" ramifications.

______________

EMPATHY

Giving your attention to another by either silently or verbally guessing their feelings.  For example, "Are you feeling disappointed because you wanted to be included?"  Empathy requires a willingness to enter the other's world with acceptance and respect while maintaining your self and center.  It also requires a willingness to be with someone who is in pain without trying to get them out of it.  Think of having someone tell you to "cheer up" or "calm down".  Does it work?  Has it ever worked?  Does being commanded, or even suggested to do this ever helped you feel better?

NOT EMPATHY

These are responses that you might offer in response to someone's expression of pain or celebration.  Usually when someone is expressing difficulty, empathy is what they want first.  These responses below may be helpful, but they are simply not empathy, so should be offered later on only if deemed appropriate. (Simply ask the other person!)

• Sympathy: Bringing attention back to yourself. "Oh, I'm so sorry. I feel terrible for you!"
• Advice: You assume the person needs information. "Well, what you could do is...." "You need to forgive them"
• Explain/Analyze: You believe that if you tell someone why they feel the way they do, they will feel better.  "You just feel bad because..."
• Correct: You try to point out someone's mistake in interpreting. "He didn't mean to hurt you, he was just in a hurry." 
• Console: "It will be ok.  You're ok, everything will work out."
• Tell a story: "The same thing happened to me one time...."
• Push away feelings: You might be uncomfortable so you tell others not to feel what they feel. "Come on, don't be sad" "Calm down, and take a deep breath" "It's not that big of deal"
• Investigate/Interrogate: "Why did you do that?" "What made you feel that way?"

Ugh.  Yep.  I'm an expert at them all, unfortunately.  Most of us are.  It's really hard to sit in someone else's pain with them, I'm learning when I actually throw out all these pithy platitudes to offer.  To just sit with someone in grief, or chronic illness, or mental illness, or addiction.  Or whatever they're facing.  To just sit and offer comfort to them (the book How We Love teaches how!) is so much harder (yet easier in many ways too!) than these petty advances that don't really do anything but heap shame on the listener for being human.  (The shame comes because the hurting person feels guilty and shameful for even hurting in the first place.  They should be stronger, more impenetrable than that!)  I think of the story of Job in the Bible.  How his friends just sat with him quietly in his pain (for a week!) were much more helpful than the offering of all kinds of bad advice to his detriment. 

These are all things we can heal and grow from.  These are not character flaws or foibles, just skills we haven't learned yet.  I love this lady's quote below, because it shows where she has healed and grown from.  She had BPD and has healed herself from it with the help of her husband who is a counselor.  Blaming others and being the victim are often one and the same.  It often means we don't know how to express how we really feel, and use stories (as I explained above) to try to get us what we need to feel heard.   If you as a listener are getting either a victim story or a blaming story, you can know that it likely isn't the whole story, but instead a hurting story of someone who can't express how they actually feel inside, and that's the difficult part.  Asking, "Is this how the other party would portray the story?" can help bring it back to objective truth.  Or "how did that make you feel?" focuses on the hurting parts rather than the subjective events.

I do think the church at large in the last generations perhaps plunked all this responsibility onto Jesus, and has left people with none.  When I was recently singing "What A Friend We Have in Jesus", this idea came to me.  Is it Jesus' responsibility to do all the comforting?  All the healing?  All the hope?  Yes, He is the Comforter, but He also uses us on earth to be His hands and feet.  Phrases like, "I'll pray for you" can tend to take the burden off us so we don't have to do any comforting ourselves (because it is painful and awkward).  Although we should pray, we can also give hugs and hope through His Word.  Do a quick word study on the word "comfort" in the Bible, and you can see that it doesn't mean lecturing, shaming or passing the buck of being with someone in pain.  It jumps right in there and sits with them in the pain.  This is a challenge for those of us who have been enmeshed or codependent in relationships too, who don't know their own pain apart from others'.

Article: How Empathy Can Go Wrong

2 Cor 1:3-5 Blessed be God, even the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies, and the God of all comfort; Who comforteth us in all our tribulation, that we may be able to comfort them which are in any trouble, by the comfort wherewith we ourselves are comforted of God.  For as the sufferings of Christ abound in us, so our consolation also aboundeth by Christ.

Another thought is that sometimes during really hard-to-fathom times (disaster, accidents, unexpected deaths or losses), it can be easy to either blame God or defend God without seeing His whole character. We often give quick platitudes to ourself or others, in a meager attempt to minimize the pain.  [Often we even use Bible verses to do this!] Where is God when you prayed for help and it didn't come?  How can I believe in a God who doesn't seem to see or hear me?  Sometimes we don't see much evidence that God sees and cares for us the way we think He should.  Sometimes our view is skewed, but being brutally honest can be the best balm for this.  For many of us this is hard because we've never done it.  

• I feel hurt, because this is painful
• I feel sad, because this is tragic
• I feel angry, because this is unfair
• I feel confused, because there is no clear pathway forward

Our flesh wants a world built on successful formulas, pat answers that actually fix things, and solutions to our problems.  ("If I do the "right" thing, then bad things won't happen to me")  We'd like life to be predictable, controllable and fundamentally fair.  What we see around us, in us and what's happening to us usually isn't that.  But what we really sometimes struggle with is honesty.  Honesty with ourselves, honesty with God.  Honesty in our disappointments, but also honesty in our hopes.

Just so you know, empathy is the path forward to less expectations of ourself and others, less responsibility, less performance, and thus less burdens.  It relieves us of so much internal angst!  That's my favorite word lately.  Teenagers have lots of angst, but us adults do too if we'd just acknowledge it!

angst [äNG(k)st]

• a feeling of deep anxiety or dread, typically an unfocused one about the human condition or the state of the world in general:
• strong worry and unhappiness, especially about personal problems

So how do we know if we ourselves or someone we know is lacking empathy?  It can easily get mixed up with codependency.  

Here's a quick list~ [source]

1. Being extremely critical of other people
2. Blaming the victim when bad things happen to them
3. Not forgiving people for making mistakes
4. Feeling like other people are too sensitive
5. Not listening to other people's perspectives or opinions
6. An inability to cope with emotional situations
7. Lack of patience for other people's emotional reactions
8. Reacting with impatience or anger when frustrated with other people
9. Feeling baffled by other people's feelings
10. Believing that negative things won’t happen to you
11. Not thinking about or understanding how your behavior affects other people

Further Reading~

How We Love our Kids by Milan and Kay Yerkovich (highly recommend!)

Good Enough: 40ish devotions for a life of imperfection by Kate Bowler

The Gifts of Imperfection by  Brene Brown

How We Love by Milan and Kay Yerkovich ~ book review

This book was excellent.  Another piece of the puzzle put in place!  It helped me so much see where I'm coming from, where Greg is coming from; as well as having more compassion for where friends and family are coming from.  These are all just skills we can learn to better improve our relationships.  I'm not going to write a ton on this one, but would just encourage you to get the book yourself and read it through.  Get the copy with a workbook in the back, as that has all the questions to work through.  The basis of the book is attachment as I mentioned previously in another post.  It also has its basis in the Changes that Heal book that I also reviewed recently.  

Soul words are just putting words to your feelings and emotions, if you struggle to come up with them on your own.  (PDF to print off here)

Here's the 5 types of ways we attach to others.  All of them are coping mechanisms we've adapted from childhood.  The last one is the goal, to be a secure attacher.  We can also switch types depending on who we are with.

• I tend to be positive and self-sufficient
• I'm usually "fine" and not very affectionate
• I have few emotions
• Sometimes I comply simply to avoid arguments
• I generally don't ask for any sort of emotional investment or commitment from people
• I minimize and resist expressions of anger in others and myself
• I'm usually happiest when other people are happy and don't want a lot from me
• I'm task oriented and a high achiever
• I prefer to do something for someone rather than connect emotionally
• I've felt resentment towards my spouse for wanting something more from me
• I'm tired of hearing how distant I am
• I don't really think of my own feelings or needs very often

• People knew me as the "good kid"
• I struggle with fear of rejection or criticism
• Sometimes I seek deeper connection by working to meet others' needs
• I have needs but they're not as big as most people's
• At times I've had difficulty tolerating physical or emotional distance from my spouse
• I prefer to deal with conflict by making up for it quickly and moving on
• I can be very jealous but I rarely show it
• I have difficulty saying no and sometimes it makes me less than truthful
• I generally don't feel angry, or if I do, I try to think about something else to get rid of it
• I don't often ask for help and feel uncomfortable when others try to help

• Growing up I experienced a great deal of intense anger and stress from a parent or parents
• I'm used to chaos at home
• I've learned to protect myself through passivity
• I don't like to consider the alternative if I weren't quiet and submissive
• I don't often assert myself
• Relationship problems are usually my fault
• I try very hard to keep my mate happy, but it doesn't always work
• At times I'm honestly scared of my spouse
• I'm resentful and angry but try not to focus on it
• I feel trapped and hopeless most of the time
• No one really knows me or what goes on in my marriage
• My spouse is nicer to friends than to me

• I've always been especially sensitive
• I desire deep, passionate connection with my spouse but never seem to get it
• I've had a history of idealizing others early on in relationships
• I easily feel disappointed, rejected, unwanted
• I sometimes become angry when my expectations are not met
• I can feel betrayed, abandoned when others are not emotionally available
• I experience internal conflict and a high level of emotional stress in relationships
• My own conflicted responses sometimes confuse even me
• Others have said they feel like they are walking on eggshells around me
• I have difficulty accepting the weaknesses of others
• I have difficulty being willing to reengage when anger blocks out other emotions
• I tend to reflect more on how others have hurt me than on my own shortcomings

• Growing up, I experienced a great deal of intense anger and stress from parent(s)
• I'm used to chaos at home
• I've learned to protect myself through aggression
• I don't like to consider the alternative if I weren't so dominant
• I tend not to think about the past but stay busy with the present
• My spouse couldn't survive without me
• Our relationship problems are usually my spouse's fault
• I rarely feel any emotion except anger and sometimes guilt if my anger has gone too far
• Things would go more smoothly if my spouse listened to me and did the things I ask
• My spouse purposely makes me jealous
• I get angry when others don't listen
• I have few feelings about my childhood except that I'm glad it's over because I wouldn't go back

• Able to say no to unreasonable requests
• Can you take risks?  Secure adults are able to approach new activities with curiosity
• Can you ask for help?  They know it isn't a sign of weakness
• Can you work towards compromise (they do not avoid or ignore problems, different points of view are not only tolerated but respected)
• Can you say you're sorry?  Secure people are not defensive, they admit their mistakes, apologize for errors, take ownership of their own shortcomings which makes it easy for secure people to forgive others when they are wronged

Basically all of these things listed above get in the way of being able to bond with others (except secure connector).  The ability to comfort others as well as be comforted is at the root of all relationships.  We cannot give what we do not have ourselves, but we can learn it.  The way a parent handles a child's fear, shame, anger, sadness, and jealously is critical for adult relationships.  Did they teach one thing but do another in their own marriage relationship? (do what I say not what I do?)  Do parents teach their children that the goal is to eliminate uncomfortable feelings or rather to learn to handle them?  Did they teach how to process all emotions, which in turn teaches how to handle stressful situations?  Were manners more important than heart issues? (don't embarrass me in public! Make me look like a good parent!)  Was it the child's job to manage the parent's emotional needs? 

The comfort circle (below) is this books way of building relationships by sharing and listening to comfort one another in distress.  They talk about the many ways we cope, but don't comfort our spouse (and vice versa) when they are in distress (sadness, hurt, fear, anxiety, anger, etc).  Many people are used to comforting themselves alone, as learned behavior.  Many homes had lots of opinions and thoughts, but not much room for expressing negative emotions.  I also recently learned that a thought comes from the brain, and a feeling comes from our heart.  Even if someone says, "I feel I should get that job", it's still a thought because it comes from the mind not the heart.  Start recognizing the difference with your own words, your family's, and those around you.  Start encouraging a safe place to share emotions by learning to listen better (it teaches you in the book), and how to comfort better.  (Hint. Have your loved one (spouse, child) lay their head in your lap while they share how they feel).  Start with the emotions of childhood memories (good and bad) and move into more difficult ones as time goes by and emotional trust and vulnerability is built.  In this book they also have one speaker and one listener, taking a set amount of time (5-10 min) and then switching roles.  This can sound impossible to do, but it's helpful so we each feel heard (the key to trust, if you recall from the Trust book).  To be able to listen, understand and learn without defensiveness, anger or putting our own two bits (advice) is harder than it sounds.  Many of us have never shared with such vulnerability.

Sometimes our childhood roles also spill into our adult relationships.  We've learned to adapt to guard against conflict and pain.  These defenses are common to everyone.  Which ones can you relate to?

• regression- "if I'm angry or hurt I act in childish ways.  I pout, sulk, go to my parents' house or have temper tantrums"
• suppression- "I distract myself a lot so I don't have to feel or deal with what's bothering me"
• withdrawal- "when I'm hurt or upset, I physically leave, or just go off in my own thoughts"
• blame- "other people are the cause of most of my problems.  I act and feel the way I do because of them.  If they would change, everything would be fine" (very common)
• rationalization- "it's easy to tell myself the wrong things I do aren't that bad when I compare myself to what most of the other people in the world do wrong"
• devaluation- "when I'm upset, I focus on the negative traits of others.  Those traits are more numerous and pronounced than my own" (a close second after blame)
• intellectualization- "I can analyze my way out of any feeling or emotion"
• compensation- "I feel the need to exaggerate my good points in order to hide any deficiencies"
• denial- "I refuse to acknowledge pain and problems and call it having a positive attitude"
• replacement- "when I'm feeling a negative emotion, I express the opposite in order to hide the truth"
• distraction- "I avoid conflict or pain by filling the day with anything and everything"

Here's the link to find out what kind of love style you are (we can change depending on who we are with as well).  

Here's a list of free downloads to print off to help you rebuild those weak areas.

And lastly, a quote below from my favorite John Delony...often we think we can handle things on our own, but this is untrue. Healing ourselves will heal our homes and our relationships.

I also forgot to list some of the reasons we trust people we shouldn't (and end up in relationship difficulties later).  This is from the last chapter of Trust, and I forgot to list them on that book review previously.  He calls them "reasons for misplaced trust".

1. We're lonely.  We're isolated and we desire to connect so we cut corners and ignore clear warnings.  This is when we need to listen to friends and family whom we trust for their advice.
2. We feel powerless and lack boundaries.  If we do not feel empowered to say "no", we will allow abuse, gaslighting (people negating our perceptions), control, blame and we cannot keep untrustworthy people away.  If we cannot set boundaries, we also are typically also unable to confront problems or be able to put a finger on what feels "off" about the relationship.
3. Needing the "Ideal".  People who don't feel ok about themselves often look for someone who appears "awesome" who makes them feel like they are wonderful.  It makes them feel important, special or good, but often the "ideal" is a manipulator or flatterer.  Looking for perfection is a setup for misplaced trust.
4. Taking the rescue bait.  This person often has been treated badly, and then someone else comes along and tells them they are wonderful and they fall for the bait.  Many second marriages and new jobs begin this way.
5. Merger fantasies.  Sometimes it feels like something is missing in us, and we are drawn to someone who possesses what we don't have.  But, the need that drives the merger often overlooks other untrustworthy aspects of this person.  This is different from complementary relationships where we complement each other.
6. Someone from your past.  If someone in your formative past had issues and you've never dealt with them, you will be blind to them.  Patterns repeat themselves because people are in denial about how their past has affected them.  We need to acknowledge the damage or lacks so we can heal.  We should see things that are generational in nature and acknowledge their damage so we can heal.   "We marry our unfinished business".
7. Insecure attachment styles (listed above).  This happens in marriages as well as business.
8. Rescue fantasies. You believe that you can change someone with your love.  Your wish to improve them is greater than their wish to change.
9. Victim thinking.  Many think they are powerless to change troubled relationships. 
10. Guilt.  Many deceivers and betrayers are great at blame, never owning their own responsibilities.
11. Too High Pain Tolerance.  When people come from backgrounds of difficult relationships or are overly responsible, they have learned to put up with way, way too much before pulling the trigger.  Pay attention to your pain.

Further Reading~

How to Have That Difficult Conversation by Cloud and Townsend

Running on Empty by Jonice Webb

Trust by Dr. Henry Cloud book review

I've had another breakthrough, easing a huge burden off my shoulders yet again.  This one is multi faceted and although I don't understand all the dynamics, I do know this is another reason I've struggled with relationship breakdowns...trust.  Seems simple, but there's much nuance to it that is under the surface that I've known was there but wasn't ever able to put a finger on.  This book gave me the "aha, that's what the trouble is" on both ends of the spectrum- the person trying to gain trust and the person trying to trust the other party.  I resound what Dr. John Delony says again and again..."these are just skills we need to learn because we don't know them yet".  These aren't character flaws or personality foibles in us, these are teachable moments to improve our communication and relationships most of all.  These are skills for our family and friends, as well as for the workplace, church board or whatever place we are that we have to deal with people.

First of all, what is trust?  He uses 2 definitions which are "assured reliance on character, ability, strength, or truth of someone or something" and as a verb "to believe that someone is good and honest and will not harm you, or that something is safe and reliable".  Long and short, our bodies and minds are always asking "am I safe?"  We are constantly moving towards or away from something based on this sole factor.  There are 5 ways that he lists that we do that called The Anatomy of Trust.

1. We trust someone when we feel our needs are understood, felt and cared about.
2. We trust when we feel their motive is for us, not just for themselves.
3. We trust someone when we feel they have the ability or capacity to guard and deliver results for what you have entrusted them with.
4. We trust someone who has the character and personal makeup needed for what we entrust them with.
5. We trust someone who has a track record of performing in the ways that we need them to perform. 

 

Leading someone to trust does not begin with you *trying to* convince them of something.  It begins with listening and by trying to understand them.  By trying to see what they want and what they feel and what they need.  By knowing what matters to them (empathy) instead of trying to persuade them to see things your way.  You need to let them know that you understand them by repeating this back to them in conversation.  This changes the brain from the closed state (guarding against you) to the open state (beginning to trust).  This begins with mirroring our parents when we are babies, and grows from there.  From small toddlers to big corporate leaders, we all want to be understood before we take input.  "We can never act in ways that cause someone to trust us if we do not understand what they feel, think, need, desire and fear."

Proverbs 18:13 He that answereth a matter before he heareth it, it is folly and shame unto him.

In that verse, the word "hear" means "understands" from Strong's concordance.  When we fail to understand someone, it unknowingly communicates that we only care about ourselves.  When we truly know and understand someone, what they like and dislike, what they need and desire, and very importantly- what hurts them.

Motive is next.  Do they care about me?  Or do they have an ulterior motive?  Are they looking out for my good, while caring for their own life too?  Always look into the "why" behind why people do what they do.  Is it for selfish reasons, success, fame?  Do they love their neighbor (you/me) as themselves?  We can let down our guard when we can trust these questions.

Matthew 22:37-40 Jesus said unto him, Thou shalt love the Lord thy God with all thy heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy mind.  This is the first and great commandment. And the second is like unto it, Thou shalt love thy neighbour as thyself.  On these two commandments hang all the law and the prophets.

Just because someone has understanding and a good motive, doesn't mean they have the ability to do what we are asking them to do.  We may need to trust them in a specific way, and do they have the ability to do so?  Many times this falls apart due to trust in other areas, but not experience in the specific way needed (children taking over a family business, for instance).  Training and building trust with adding responsibilities is still required. Is this person suitable for the task/job at hand?  If not, would someone else be a better fit?  Are they humble enough to admit when something is out of their expertise?  It is wisdom to vet people for ability before trusting them in a specific area. (The parable of the talents comes to mind in Matt 25:14-29)

The next essential is character.  We need to look past just moral and ethical standards, and look a bit deeper.   This takes self-awareness as it deals with our own emotions and the emotions of others.  How adaptive are we when things go awry?  Are we positive or negative?  Can we work well with others?

2 Peter 1:5-9 And beside this, giving all diligence, add to your faith virtue; and to virtue knowledge;

And to knowledge temperance; and to temperance patience; and to patience godliness; And to godliness brotherly kindness; and to brotherly kindness charity. For if these things be in you, and abound, they make you that ye shall neither be barren nor unfruitful in the knowledge of our Lord Jesus Christ. But he that lacketh these things is blind, and cannot see afar off, and hath forgotten that he was purged from his old sins.

Here's a few traits we also want to be aware of that break down relationships (looking in ourselves, or  when dealing with others).

• defensiveness (what happens when you can't point out a problem or resolve a conflict?)
• anger (how can you deal with someone prone to outbursts, rage or explosiveness?)
• narcissism (how do we trust when someone who is always about themselves?)
• drama and emotional instability (very hard to trust unpredictability)
• control (how do we deal with people who need to be in control all the time?)
• neediness and dependency (some people are still overly needy and dependent, still like children)
• irresponsibility (how can we trust they will do what they say they'll do?)
• codependency or lack of boundaries (unable to set limits on ability, time, resources, etc)
• gossip or divisive behavior (Proverbs 17:9 He that covereth a transgression seeketh love; but he that repeateth a matter separateth very friends.)

We are not looking for perfection here, as we are all human and fail much every day.  What we are looking for is a whole picture of traits combined that make you believe the person is who they say they are, and can do what they say they will do.

Fifth and last comes track record.  The past is the best indicator of the future.  Whenever we trust someone, we make ourselves vulnerable.  If we don't know if they can come through for us in our vulnerability, we need proof somehow.  We need objective reasons to hope and trust in them.  Someone who doesn't listen well can't just say they'll listen and you believe them.  They need to prove it over and over again until it is believed.  Selfish people don't just start caring about others.  Lazy people don't change overnight.  These all take time and effort to change.  Trust is simply not given, it must be earned.  Mistakes again can and will be made, but then amends must be made as well.  Forgiveness is needed and is free, but trust must be re-earned.  Sometimes someone has a stellar track record in most areas, but not the area you need them to (marriage, parenting, moving up to new job responsibilities, etc).  This doesn't mean you don't trust them, but that other factors must stand in for those lacking.  We really do need all 5 areas secure before our bodies feel they can trust someone.  Again, not looking for perfection, but staying within our abilities and strengths and not trying to be "all things to all people".

Next chapter he goes into is how we can lose our "trust muscle".  Do we struggle depending on other people?  Because trust is dependency.  He then goes into attachment styles, which is a whole 'nother subject in and of itself, but it can help us see how much we do or don't trust other people.  There's whole books written on this subject, as well as online quizzes to figure out which one you are.

The secure attachment style is people who are well adjusted, can ask for what they need, and expect that others will be there for them.  The anxious attachment style is people who fear abandonment and can be needy or clingy.  They constantly need reassurance because they feel that other people do not care enough about them, won't respond adequately to them or may reject them.  The fearful vulnerability they bring into a relationship causes much distortion and an interruption of trust. As soon as people get close, the fears come to the surface and chase away relationship.  The avoidant attachment style keeps up a defense to keep people away so they don't have to be vulnerable.  These are people described as emotionally distant or unavailable.  The last one is the fearful-avoidant style.  They want to trust, but then they pull away as soon as they get close.  These people can seem friendly and want to connect, but then as soon as they feel vulnerable they pull away.  The other person often asks, "what did I do?"  This can cause much chaos, pain and drama as they fail to trust people who are actually trustworthy.

Interesting to note, all of these attachment styles come down to the root of understanding.  Does someone understand what I need, who I am, what hurts me, what helps me and other things that are important to me?  Understanding is the foundation of all trust.  To be known and understood.  As soon as we get the cue that someone else is not understanding us, that's when suspicion and other forms of brokenness affect our "trust muscle".  When someone does not feel understood during their developing years, they will spend a lifetime fearing trusting relationships.  This can also come under the control category.  When we trust, then we can depend on others while still being free to be ourselves.  None of us want to give up freedom and autonomy in exchange for being controlled by someone else.  

Other barriers to trust is the feeling that perfection is required for the ability to feel loved or accepted.  This could come in many ways, but the underlying message is, "if I fail in any way, you will reject me or will not love me or will shame me".  This could be physical experiences, moral standards, or a failure to meet some premeasured standard.  People who are ok with imperfections do well with trust.  They can own their own flaws and shortcomings, and do the same in other people.  The other barrier to trust is step-up or step-down relationships.  If we always feel above or below other people, it will cause us not to trust them.  Sometimes, other people clearly want to keep us below them, with everything being a competition to stay on top.  There is an underlying fear that seeing the world as an unequal place destroys trust.  It makes all relationships a competition for best.  You can't trust when you feel everyone is out to be "better than" "smarter than" "loved more than" you.

The next section is on repairing trust once it's been broken.  It's never easy and is often a choice between 2 unfavorable options.  You should only trust again with solid reasons based on objective criteria.  You need to know whether you're dealing with the same person, or a new one.

1. Take time to heal and get well.  We've been injured and we need to heal.  Don't isolate or withdraw, but seek comfort and compassion with people who can support you and care for you.  Recognize shock, numbness, denial and catastrophic thinking that comes with your pain.  Hebrews 12:12-13 Wherefore lift up the hands which hang down, and the feeble knees; And make straight paths for your feet, lest that which is lame be turned out of the way; but let it rather be healed.
2. Move beyond anger and towards forgiveness.  Forgiveness is a gift we give ourselves towards freedom.  To nurse anger and bitterness is allowing a cancer to grow in your heart, soul and mind.  As long as you are holding onto the hurts inside of you, that person still owns you.  But this also means we need to feel the anger of the hurt and betrayal, and not squelch it.  We need to feel our feelings as they come and go.  Anger and forgiveness are never neat and tidy, a "once and done".  Do not deny the gravity of what was done (whether intentional or unintentional), call it what it was and how it feels no matter how messy it sounds.  Forgiveness has to do with the past, trust has to do with the future.  Colossians 1:14 In whom we have redemption through his blood, even the forgiveness of sins:
3. Ponder what you really want.  What is the best outcome we can imagine going forward?  Should you stay or go? What behavior would I like to see?  Are there things worth fighting for?  Or are my eyes finally open enough to see that there's nothing more for me here?  Is there a bigger picture than just this situation?  This will take prayer and soul searching.  We are not pondering forgiveness anymore, we are pondering going forward.  This may take a lot of time as you evaluate whether you're dealing with Jekyll, Hyde or someone (hopefully) new.  Ecc 3:5  ...a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing;
4. Figure out if reconciliation is available.  Reconciliation is forgiveness, but is not trust (yet).  For it to work, both parties have to engage in the process.  Clear communication of the problem, and ask a few more questions.  Do they take responsibility for what they did?  Do they see that it was wrong?  Do they understand the consequences or how it has hurt you or others? Do they repent and apologize as needed? Are they transparent with information, or do they give full access to the truth?  Are they coming clean with the whole story?  Still not trusting yet again, but getting answers so you can make an educated decision.  If there's any "not my fault" answers in there, this will give you indications what to do.  This would be things like denial, lying, gaslighting, blaming, excusing, minimizing, rationalizing, invalidating, etc.  Wise people will listen to the confrontation, own it, apologize for it, learn from it and behave differently as a result of being corrected.  We need to own our own part of the breakdown as well.  Learn about our own strengths and weaknesses.  For example, we may have seen red flags long ago, but because we lack conflict resolution skills, we avoided addressing/dealing with the problem. Proverbs 15:31 The ear that heareth the reproof of life abideth among the wise.        Matthew 18:15-18 Moreover if thy brother shall trespass against thee, go and tell him his fault between thee and him alone: if he shall hear thee, thou hast gained thy brother. But if he will not hear thee, then take with thee one or two more, that in the mouth of two or three witnesses every word may be established. And if he shall neglect to hear them, tell it unto the church: but if he neglect to hear the church, let him be unto thee as an heathen man and a publican. Verily I say unto you, Whatsoever ye shall bind on earth shall be bound in heaven: and whatsoever ye shall loose on earth shall be loosed in heaven.
5. Assess trustworthiness, to determine if trust is an option. We need to start back at the essentials and work through them.  Do they understand what is important to me?  Do they understand what I need from them? Do they understand what makes me feel open and free with them and what will make me move towards them in trust?  Does he/she understand me, my reality, and my desires in our relationship (or are they only focused on themselves)?  Also asking where the relationship broke down in the first place is good to evaluate.  Where was there a lack of understanding? Was there a focus that didn't take both sides into consideration?  What abilities may have been assumed but were actually lacking?  How did this lead to disappointment, injury or hurt?  What character traits have hurt the relationships and should be addressed?  What is this person's track record in other relationships?
6. Look for evidence of real change.  

• admission of need (admit and receive help)
• verifiable involvement in a proven process (AA or something tried and true as needed)
• structured approach (a way to learn new skills)
• skilled help (someone specific who can tailor it to our situation and needs)
• new experiences and skills (what are they learning and applying?)
• self-sustaining motivation (craving and seeking help on their own)
• presence of support (listener, encourager, and safety net)
• some evidence of change (this will take time, but we want to see changes slowly for the better)
• monitoring systems (someone to monitor progress, can be people from above lists)
• total transparency (if there's been lying, duplicity, secrecy, etc)
• willingness to be questioned (if trust has been broken, there will be suspicion and so the person should be willing to be questioned.  If they get defensive, this will make things worse.  People who are trying to rebuild trust should welcome questions.)

The two parties directly involve in the breakdown of trust usually cannot restore it on their own.  Who can help you navigate this process?  How will you learn new skills so this won't happen again?  What kind of structured path can you build the new, better relationship?

____________________

I think of these things as I raise my kids.  I'm learning new skills to relate to them, ones that I've never learned before (and have had to repent of my old ways to them).  One example that I was talking about with a friend, is how we can deal with over dramatic, emotional sons/daughters.  Here's an example~

Daughter comes in crying, "Everybody hates me, nobody likes me!"  As a Mom, you know this isn't true, but it's how she feels right now.  We have 2 choices.  We can tell her, "That isn't true, so and so likes you, and so does this person and that person (and on and on to try to convince her she's wrong)" And we as adults know that all of her friends are probably at home complaining of the same fate to their mothers!  But if we dig deeper we can ask ourselves, why is she telling me that?  What are her feelings behind her words?  Why does she feel like everyone hates her?  Is she lonely and wants to see them? Bored? Hurt by one or more of them? Worried about one of them?  What is it?  We need to dig deeper by asking her more questions.  She's likely really looking for empathy, love and compassion; not us trying to convince her how we think she should feel by trying to talk her out of it.  She feels completely unheard if we do that and the trust has been broken.   She will feel that we don't understand her at all, and that we haven't even tried (and possibly that we don't love her either).  We (as parents) just think (by our words to her) that we have it all figured out from a stable, unemotional adult perspective; yet we've missed the whole bonding experience with our daughter because we didn't seek to understand her deeper.  Regretfully I've done this countless times with my kids because I knew no other way. ("it's not that bad", "you're blowing this way out of proportion", "quit overreacting", etc)  Here's a list of emotions below that you can download to get you started.  Reading old classic books has helped me as well.  Books like Pride and Prejudice, Emma, Jane Eyre, Gone With The Wind have also helped me improve my emotional vocabulary to better express myself.

Atlas of the Heart List of Emotions - Brené Brown (brenebrown.com)

Our job as parents is to teach an emotional vocabulary to our kids.  Help them to express themselves because none of us were born with these skills, especially us introverts.  80% of adults questioned only had 3 emotions (happy, sad, angry).  But there's so many more out there that we can teach our kids!  The only way they'll learn it is from other people, and us parents are the best ones to do this.  I've never learned how to express my needs or emotions as they are, I've always logically explained them away as if they belonged to someone else (because that keeps me from being vulnerable!)  It actually decreases the emotions when we can healthily express them.  This doesn't mean they'll become more "out of hand", but actually they become less volatile because they aren't continuously building up for a volcano (their body is screaming for connection, only to be shut down and dismissed).  Healthy emotional expression just gently seeps in and out of our lives, the joys and the heartaches.

So, we can ask questions like~

• How does/did that make you feel?
• What can I do to help you?
• How can I show you my love right now?
• Can I give you a hug? Rub your feet/back?
• Do you want me here, or would you prefer time alone and I can check back in on you?

These emotionally charged times are NOT the time for lecturing or advice.  That can come later when they are emotionally stable and stronger.  Now is the time for support and love.  And empathy and compassion.  A time to keep our mouths shut and let them cry and cry and talk if they want.  I recently read an article on helping kids grieve and it likened it to a tunnel.  To let them cry until they are all cried out, and then that's the light at the end of that tunnel for them (on that day).  I was skeptical, but I tried it with 2 different children.  I held them and let them cry until they were done.  Yes, this was 1-2 hours of it each time.  I didn't talk, I occasionally sang to them after getting their permission.  It was super hard as a mom to do this, but after they were each done, they were at peace.  They knew they were loved and supported through their hard day (that had been accumulating for a while!)  One of them even said after (in my Mother's Day card) "thanks for loving me when I'm not being lovable".  These were new words to hear, from new behaviors I'd learned.  This child felt heard and loved because I didn't try to talk them out of their emotions (which negates any sort of understanding); but sat in them with (without getting sucked into the vortex of their overwhelm as well, which is also easy to do).

Another example happened just this week.  One child was being mean over and over to their younger siblings.  I had gotten after this child many times, separated them, tried to find out the reason behind the meanness.  When I finally sat down and dug into the heart of the matter, I found out that this child was scared.  They were being left alone with the younger siblings for a short while each day, and they were worried that one of the younger siblings would choke while Mom was gone.  The meanness was actually fear that something bad would happen and they wouldn't know what to do.  They didn't know how to express it, and had tried to talk themself out of it to no avail, so it came out in bullying instead.  I can now see that this is often the case, and we moms often don't know how to or will take the time to dig a bit deeper to help them put words into what they are feeling.  After I knew this, I could help this child navigate what they should do, and comfort them in their inner turmoil; not by minimizing it and pretending it was no big deal or by brushing over it either.  But by trying to understand the root of it and having compassion.  It's definitely more time consuming this way, but I can see a big difference in the peace of my children when I do take the time to seek to understand (and not pretend I understand by putting words in their mouths, which is also easy to do! (I do that to Greg too...ugh!))

If you don't feel like reading the whole book (which I do recommend), this YouTube talk of his is well worth it. (the first 3 min are fluff, so you can skip in a bit)

Trust - Dr. Henry Cloud - YouTube

Homeopathy for Emotional Healing

 I've been wanting to list the homeopathic remedies that I've used so far healing emotionally.  Most information out there is for acute or chronic physical symptoms, but I want to let you know that it can be used for healing our emotional states as well.  I've been delving into this myself, using myself as a guinea pig, but you can also find a homeopath to guide you through this if you don't feel interested or comfortable in doing all the reading and experimenting.

I've mostly used 2 books, which I listed before in another blog post.  They use what is called "Mega Potencies" which are much higher dilutions that get to a cellular level of healing (vibrational energy frequency).  These are also gentler than lower dosing so there's less chance of an aggravation (old symptoms reappearing that have been suppressed by medication or lifestyle).  I recommend all of these in a 200C dose, although there's many ideas on going higher too.  200C is the one that is readily available at your local health food store too.  Higher doses can be harder to find.  This dosing can be 1-2x a week for 8 weeks and then reassess.  Can take more frequently if needed as well.

I used this homeopathic grief protocol to begin with, and have expanded from there as needed for myself.

Ignatia- is for grief.  Remember, grief is the gap between what you hoped/expected and what actually is.  Past, present, future.  We all grieve, and should grieve regularly.  Pretending something doesn't hurt or isn't a big deal builds up in our bodies over time.  Grief also must be shared, we cannot grieve alone.  When you can't see how to go forward, and feel stymied by the past, Ignatia is a good one to take.

Aconite- is for fear and fright.  Have you experienced something fearful (even 10, 20, 30+ years ago)?  Same thing- past, present, future.  Do you easily find yourself overwhelmed or fearful about certain issues?  Did you have a traumatic birth (mother or baby) no matter how long ago?  Do you have high levels of stress?  Do you use logic to override your emotions to keep them in check?  Extensive fears for family and friends?  Fear of of the future?  Fearful dreams?  Have you ever been in shock from an accident or seeing an accident?  All these things and more indicate a need for Aconite.  It's acutely used for fighting illness (it rallies the immune boosting cells) or if you get a fever  (especially one after being out in a cold wind).

Arnica- is for when you try to act tough.  For when you act like you don't care but you really do, when you won't accept help because that would be admitting weakness.  Arnica is great for bruised bodies and bruised egos. If you fear being hugged in public because it might show weakness, Arnica is your remedy of choice.

Ledum- is for forgiveness.  If you've been hurt or betrayed and you are finding it hard to forgive, Ledum can help you with that (for reals!)  Those who need Ledum often get stuck in their hurts and can't move forward.  They bring it up again and again how someone hurt them, and never seem to get to the present but keep a firm hold on the hurts from the past.  They often fear losing emotional control if they should forgive, and hold grudges quite nicely.  Physically they often have tendon issues from holding their bodies tightly.

Ruta- is for lack of unity. If you can't seem to find common ground with your friends and family, or in any other setting (church, political, work), Ruta helps you do this.  Ruta is what makes groups of unlike people work together on a common goal and to see each other's point of view.  Ruta people often have issues with load bearing joints from carrying a heavy load trying to unite people together with their own strength.  Organ prolapse falls in here too.  Ruta can bring peace to the person, which then brings peace to the relationships to bring unity again where it was lost.

Staphysgria- is for offense done to our personal space/body.  This can be things like multi-generational housing situations with dominant matriarchs, dental procedures or surgeries (especially to our private organs), or as generational physical, emotional and sexual abuse.  People needing this remedy have strict rules of right/wrong, black/white, and use the word "should" a lot.  ("People should ...")  They also think they know what's best for everyone else, yet follow different standards for themselves.  Offenses to our bodies also can be vaccinations, antibiotics, orthodontic work, steroids, surgery, etc.  The body feels the trauma and holds it tightly.  It knows when it's been violated, even if we think we were helping things at the time and we often were temporarily.  Physically this also leads to gland issues/hormone challenges.  These kind of women always have a generic peaceful smile that you know isn't genuine but a guise.  The anger stage of grief also indicates Staphysgria. If "you're feeling always angry, very sensitive to what others say to you. You may always take things in the wrong way. Very snappy. Feeling indignant about what has happened", then this remedy is good for that as well.

Lycopodium- is for bullying.  If you're either the bully or the one who has been bullied, this is a good remedy for that.  Often there is lower GI symptoms that go along with this, such as bloating or bowel issues. Also for "lack of self-confidence, anticipation and undertaking of new things."

Nux Vomica- is for the opposite.  Upper GI issues such as heartburn, vomiting, gall bladder or digestive issues of the stomach.  Nux needers are "over the top".  Those folks who are "too much".  Eat too much, talk too much, worry too much, and this remedy is great for all of those.  Any extended worry or stress can be relieved with Nux as well.  When other people annoy you because they are "too much", Nux can help you have patience with their idiosyncrasies too!  It helps on both ends of things! (this is great for workplace stress where you can't avoid the person!) 

Natrum Muriaticum- this remedy is great for old grief that you've never dealt with.  The kind you've kept bottled up inside for decades.  It helps you find peace for those things you don't want to talk about. "Thinking about what is causing the sadness and all the unpleasant memories. Dwelling on it and the ideas cling and prevent sleep at night. Hating people that have offended you. Feeling revengeful. Feeling sad but can’t cry. Constant recurrent thoughts of past disagreeable occurrences."  Nat Mur is especially good for rumination.  If you find your mind going round and round replaying certain conversations or scenarios, Nat Mur is great for letting those things go.

Hydrastis- is for over responsibility.  If you've carried other people's burdens for too many years, this is likely the remedy you need.  I'm just starting on this one now, so don't have any news to report yet.  If you have bowel, liver or gall bladder issues, this is often needed for these.  (It releases the guilt and anger).  If you think that you can somehow fix other people so that they don't have to feel the consequences of their choices, or you take the blame for them, then Hydrastis can be helpful for you.  If you feel personally responsible that something bad happened (accident, harm to someone else), then this can free you of that guilt.

"Emotions govern structure, and structure governs function" ~Jill Turland

Taking these remedies can also help your spinal issues too.  This chart below can help you decide which remedy you might need (most of us need several of them to undo years of ill health, physically and emotionally).

Some other ones that are used for emotional healing are:

Conium- worries about money.  About not having enough or obsessing about always having more, comparing to others.  Fear of loss of independence if you can't make money, emotionally closed off

Hypericum- low self value, feels others think you worthless, may have been abandoned.  Never responsible, always someone to blame.  Sympathetic only to those below them (underdogs).  Must cut down tall poppies if they reach same level.  Competitive, loves to win.  Boring, often laboring a point so much that the point is missed.

Symphytum- feels guilty if not working.  Must earn the right to life.  The word "work" is in everything they do.  Workaholics.  Genetic abnormalities, abnormal cell proliferation, faulty function of cells and toxin removal, leukocyte abnormalities

Sepia- hormone imbalances, especially during puberty and menopause, depression related to same plus pregnancy, indifferent or aversion to loved ones (husband/wife and children especially), mentally and physically worn out "I'm sick of being the only one who does anything around here", ill effects of overwork, anger and vexation (even many years later)

Stramonium-anger, nervous repetitive actions (tics), stammering or speech issues, night terrors, complaints that started after fear or fright (similar to aconite)

Causticum- is for injustice...fighters of a cause, whistleblowers, and unable to release the thoughts of ideal (everything fair)

These are more good websites with lots of info~

Christina Villacorta (I really like her grief protocol (link above), but she has many more)

Homeopathy for Women (for everyone!)  Has homeopathic info on vax detox, heavy metal testing/detox, birth control detox, mood disorder support and detox, and more

These are the only ones I've used personally, but there are many, many more available.  I'm also now treating our whole family for miasms, which are the generational genetic level of mutation to cells.   I've done the cancer one, and now I'm doing TB (we have a family history of both, as does most of our society).  The doctor I'm learning under says that he treats 98% of his patients with the cancer nosode (remedy made from the disease to treat it and heal the gene expression).

Here's their indications~

Cancer (Carcinosin)

The cancer miasm is an equally divided combination of the original three miasms of Hahnemann: Psoric, Sycotic and Syphilitic.

Keynotes of the Cancer miasm are emotional sensitivity and/or repression of emotions like anger, fear, and aggression.

• Susceptible to pneumonia, chemical toxicity or multiple allergy syndrome, overexposure to chemicals, and situations where the immune system seems to go into overdrive, reacting to everything.
• This miasm is also commonly seen when there are reactions to vaccinations and allopathic drug use.
• There can be perfectionist tendencies, depression, and even apathy.
• A person with this miasm activated will have the tendency to be over-reactive to many things without the ability to determine what is healthy and what is not.
• There is often a history of repeated and severe childhood illnesses and infections, sensitive gums and teeth, growth disorders, obsessive compulsive disorder, and autism spectrum disorders.
• This miasm is likely activated when there are significant challenges with relationships between human beings, specifically with our individual, one-to-one relationships.
• The greatest challenge with this miasm is the ability to stay open emotionally and yet feel protected and safe at the same time.
• The cancer miasm has a tendency to be too accommodating and agreeable, to one’s own peril – often known as the “doormat syndrome.” When the true self is continually suppressed to the needs or wants of others, this miasm is awakened.
• Deep sadness, grief, guilt or anger is also seen with this miasm.
• The tendency to be over concerned with others or to go along with others so as not to upset anyone seems to be deeply ingrained in this person.
• This miasm is usually suspected in those with a family history of cancer or diabetes.
• Working with this miasm will help to improve one’s ability to grow in relationships, will strengthen and balance the immune system and the spleen in particular.

Common symptoms: Chronic fatigue syndrome, colitis, constipation, diabetes, immune system weakness, insomnia, ovarian cyst, PMS, tics, developmental delays, vaccine reactions.

More info~  Carcinosin • The Healing Haven Homeopathic Dispensary

Tubucular (Tuberculinum)

Keynotes of the tubercular miasm are coughs, breathing issues and lung problems, respiratory system imbalances, frequent colds and sensitivity to the cold.

• The most favorable place for the tubercular person is said to be up in the mountains and in fresh air.
• Often have problems with breathing or constriction around the throat.
• Weakness in the thyroid gland.
• Often struggle with self-expression in some way.
• Often frail and sensitive to the heat, but also easily chilled.
• They are sensitive to weather changes, environmental toxins, atmospheric and barometric pressure changes.
• Children with this miasm may have prolonged bedwetting, frequent nightmares, temper tantrums, and often have an aversion to milk.
• They also tend to be susceptible to ringworm, acne, and white spots on the nails.
• Experience loss of appetite.
• Tendency to have parasites and allergies.
• Have a fear of dogs.
• They are prone to exhaustion if stressed and may feel as if they never have enough rest.
• Desire to travel (or if travel is not possible, the desire to change clothing often and move the furniture frequently).
• The tubercular person is better with the sun and warmth.
• The Tubercular type has a sense that things could be changed or improved, or that there is something missing.
• There is a strong drive for freedom and a resistance to any kind of restriction.

Common symptoms: Allergy, asthma, astigmatism, autism, bronchitis, teeth grinding, croup, compulsive disorders, bed wetting, lymphoma, pneumonia, rheumatoid arthritis, lupus, ringworm, upper respiratory infections, tonsillitis.

There's also more miasms too~

Miasms, Psoric Miasm,  Sycotic Miasm, Tubercular miasm, Syphilitic miasm, Cancer Miasm (homeopathyforwomen.org)