The Somero Saga

Thursday, July 6, 2023

How We Love by Milan and Kay Yerkovich ~ book review

This book was excellent. Another piece of the puzzle put in place! It helped me so much see where I'm coming from, where Greg is coming from; as well as having more compassion for where friends and family are coming from. These are all just skills we can learn to better improve our relationships. I'm not going to write a ton on this one, but would just encourage you to get the book yourself and read it through. Get the copy with a workbook in the back, as that has all the questions to work through. The basis of the book is attachment as I mentioned previously in another post. It also has its basis in the Changes that Heal book that I also reviewed recently.

Soul words are just putting words to your feelings and emotions, if you struggle to come up with them on your own. (PDF to print off here)

Here's the 5 types of ways we attach to others. All of them are coping mechanisms we've adapted from childhood. The last one is the goal, to be a secure attacher. We can also switch types depending on who we are with.

I tend to be positive and self-sufficient
I'm usually "fine" and not very affectionate
I have few emotions
Sometimes I comply simply to avoid arguments
I generally don't ask for any sort of emotional investment or commitment from people
I minimize and resist expressions of anger in others and myself
I'm usually happiest when other people are happy and don't want a lot from me
I'm task oriented and a high achiever
I prefer to do something for someone rather than connect emotionally
I've felt resentment towards my spouse for wanting something more from me
I'm tired of hearing how distant I am
I don't really think of my own feelings or needs very often

People knew me as the "good kid"
I struggle with fear of rejection or criticism
Sometimes I seek deeper connection by working to meet others' needs
I have needs but they're not as big as most people's
At times I've had difficulty tolerating physical or emotional distance from my spouse
I prefer to deal with conflict by making up for it quickly and moving on
I can be very jealous but I rarely show it
I have difficulty saying no and sometimes it makes me less than truthful
I generally don't feel angry, or if I do, I try to think about something else to get rid of it
I don't often ask for help and feel uncomfortable when others try to help

Growing up I experienced a great deal of intense anger and stress from a parent or parents
I'm used to chaos at home
I've learned to protect myself through passivity
I don't like to consider the alternative if I weren't quiet and submissive
I don't often assert myself
Relationship problems are usually my fault
I try very hard to keep my mate happy, but it doesn't always work
At times I'm honestly scared of my spouse
I'm resentful and angry but try not to focus on it
I feel trapped and hopeless most of the time
No one really knows me or what goes on in my marriage
My spouse is nicer to friends than to me

I've always been especially sensitive
I desire deep, passionate connection with my spouse but never seem to get it
I've had a history of idealizing others early on in relationships
I easily feel disappointed, rejected, unwanted
I sometimes become angry when my expectations are not met
I can feel betrayed, abandoned when others are not emotionally available
I experience internal conflict and a high level of emotional stress in relationships
My own conflicted responses sometimes confuse even me
Others have said they feel like they are walking on eggshells around me
I have difficulty accepting the weaknesses of others
I have difficulty being willing to reengage when anger blocks out other emotions
I tend to reflect more on how others have hurt me than on my own shortcomings

Growing up, I experienced a great deal of intense anger and stress from parent(s)
I'm used to chaos at home
I've learned to protect myself through aggression
I don't like to consider the alternative if I weren't so dominant
I tend not to think about the past but stay busy with the present
My spouse couldn't survive without me
Our relationship problems are usually my spouse's fault
I rarely feel any emotion except anger and sometimes guilt if my anger has gone too far
Things would go more smoothly if my spouse listened to me and did the things I ask
My spouse purposely makes me jealous
I get angry when others don't listen
I have few feelings about my childhood except that I'm glad it's over because I wouldn't go back

Able to say no to unreasonable requests
Can you take risks? Secure adults are able to approach new activities with curiosity
Can you ask for help? They know it isn't a sign of weakness
Can you work towards compromise (they do not avoid or ignore problems, different points of view are not only tolerated but respected)
Can you say you're sorry? Secure people are not defensive, they admit their mistakes, apologize for errors, take ownership of their own shortcomings which makes it easy for secure people to forgive others when they are wronged

Basically all of these things listed above get in the way of being able to bond with others (except secure connector). The ability to comfort others as well as be comforted is at the root of all relationships. We cannot give what we do not have ourselves, but we can learn it. The way a parent handles a child's fear, shame, anger, sadness, and jealously is critical for adult relationships. Did they teach one thing but do another in their own marriage relationship? (do what I say not what I do?) Do parents teach their children that the goal is to eliminate uncomfortable feelings or rather to learn to handle them? Did they teach how to process all emotions, which in turn teaches how to handle stressful situations? Were manners more important than heart issues? (don't embarrass me in public! Make me look like a good parent!) Was it the child's job to manage the parent's emotional needs?

The comfort circle (below) is this books way of building relationships by sharing and listening to comfort one another in distress. They talk about the many ways we cope, but don't comfort our spouse (and vice versa) when they are in distress (sadness, hurt, fear, anxiety, anger, etc). Many people are used to comforting themselves alone, as learned behavior. Many homes had lots of opinions and thoughts, but not much room for expressing negative emotions. I also recently learned that a thought comes from the brain, and a feeling comes from our heart. Even if someone says, "I feel I should get that job", it's still a thought because it comes from the mind not the heart. Start recognizing the difference with your own words, your family's, and those around you. Start encouraging a safe place to share emotions by learning to listen better (it teaches you in the book), and how to comfort better. (Hint. Have your loved one (spouse, child) lay their head in your lap while they share how they feel). Start with the emotions of childhood memories (good and bad) and move into more difficult ones as time goes by and emotional trust and vulnerability is built. In this book they also have one speaker and one listener, taking a set amount of time (5-10 min) and then switching roles. This can sound impossible to do, but it's helpful so we each feel heard (the key to trust, if you recall from the Trust book). To be able to listen, understand and learn without defensiveness, anger or putting our own two bits (advice) is harder than it sounds. Many of us have never shared with such vulnerability.

Sometimes our childhood roles also spill into our adult relationships. We've learned to adapt to guard against conflict and pain. These defenses are common to everyone. Which ones can you relate to?

regression- "if I'm angry or hurt I act in childish ways. I pout, sulk, go to my parents' house or have temper tantrums"
suppression- "I distract myself a lot so I don't have to feel or deal with what's bothering me"
withdrawal- "when I'm hurt or upset, I physically leave, or just go off in my own thoughts"
blame- "other people are the cause of most of my problems. I act and feel the way I do because of them. If they would change, everything would be fine" (very common)
rationalization- "it's easy to tell myself the wrong things I do aren't that bad when I compare myself to what most of the other people in the world do wrong"
devaluation- "when I'm upset, I focus on the negative traits of others. Those traits are more numerous and pronounced than my own" (a close second after blame)
intellectualization- "I can analyze my way out of any feeling or emotion"
compensation- "I feel the need to exaggerate my good points in order to hide any deficiencies"
denial- "I refuse to acknowledge pain and problems and call it having a positive attitude"
replacement- "when I'm feeling a negative emotion, I express the opposite in order to hide the truth"
distraction- "I avoid conflict or pain by filling the day with anything and everything"

Here's the link to find out what kind of love style you are (we can change depending on who we are with as well).

Here's a list of free downloads to print off to help you rebuild those weak areas.

And lastly, a quote below from my favorite John Delony...often we think we can handle things on our own, but this is untrue. Healing ourselves will heal our homes and our relationships.

I also forgot to list some of the reasons we trust people we shouldn't (and end up in relationship difficulties later). This is from the last chapter of Trust, and I forgot to list them on that book review previously. He calls them "reasons for misplaced trust".

We're lonely. We're isolated and we desire to connect so we cut corners and ignore clear warnings. This is when we need to listen to friends and family whom we trust for their advice.
We feel powerless and lack boundaries. If we do not feel empowered to say "no", we will allow abuse, gaslighting (people negating our perceptions), control, blame and we cannot keep untrustworthy people away. If we cannot set boundaries, we also are typically also unable to confront problems or be able to put a finger on what feels "off" about the relationship.
Needing the "Ideal". People who don't feel ok about themselves often look for someone who appears "awesome" who makes them feel like they are wonderful. It makes them feel important, special or good, but often the "ideal" is a manipulator or flatterer. Looking for perfection is a setup for misplaced trust.
Taking the rescue bait. This person often has been treated badly, and then someone else comes along and tells them they are wonderful and they fall for the bait. Many second marriages and new jobs begin this way.
Merger fantasies. Sometimes it feels like something is missing in us, and we are drawn to someone who possesses what we don't have. But, the need that drives the merger often overlooks other untrustworthy aspects of this person. This is different from complementary relationships where we complement each other.
Someone from your past. If someone in your formative past had issues and you've never dealt with them, you will be blind to them. Patterns repeat themselves because people are in denial about how their past has affected them. We need to acknowledge the damage or lacks so we can heal. We should see things that are generational in nature and acknowledge their damage so we can heal. "We marry our unfinished business".
Insecure attachment styles (listed above). This happens in marriages as well as business.
Rescue fantasies. You believe that you can change someone with your love. Your wish to improve them is greater than their wish to change.
Victim thinking. Many think they are powerless to change troubled relationships.
Guilt. Many deceivers and betrayers are great at blame, never owning their own responsibilities.
Too High Pain Tolerance. When people come from backgrounds of difficult relationships or are overly responsible, they have learned to put up with way, way too much before pulling the trigger. Pay attention to your pain.

Monday, June 12, 2023

Trust by Dr. Henry Cloud book review

I've had another breakthrough, easing a huge burden off my shoulders yet again. This one is multi faceted and although I don't understand all the dynamics, I do know this is another reason I've struggled with relationship breakdowns...trust. Seems simple, but there's much nuance to it that is under the surface that I've known was there but wasn't ever able to put a finger on. This book gave me the "aha, that's what the trouble is" on both ends of the spectrum- the person trying to gain trust and the person trying to trust the other party. I resound what Dr. John Delony says again and again..."these are just skills we need to learn because we don't know them yet". These aren't character flaws or personality foibles in us, these are teachable moments to improve our communication and relationships most of all. These are skills for our family and friends, as well as for the workplace, church board or whatever place we are that we have to deal with people.

First of all, what is trust? He uses 2 definitions which are "assured reliance on character, ability, strength, or truth of someone or something" and as a verb "to believe that someone is good and honest and will not harm you, or that something is safe and reliable". Long and short, our bodies and minds are always asking "am I safe?" We are constantly moving towards or away from something based on this sole factor. There are 5 ways that he lists that we do that called The Anatomy of Trust.

We trust someone when we feel our needs are understood, felt and cared about.
We trust when we feel their motive is for us, not just for themselves.
We trust someone when we feel they have the ability or capacity to guard and deliver results for what you have entrusted them with.
We trust someone who has the character and personal makeup needed for what we entrust them with.
We trust someone who has a track record of performing in the ways that we need them to perform.

Leading someone to trust does not begin with you *trying to* convince them of something. It begins with listening and by trying to understand them. By trying to see what they want and what they feel and what they need. By knowing what matters to them (empathy) instead of trying to persuade them to see things your way. You need to let them know that you understand them by repeating this back to them in conversation. This changes the brain from the closed state (guarding against you) to the open state (beginning to trust). This begins with mirroring our parents when we are babies, and grows from there. From small toddlers to big corporate leaders, we all want to be understood before we take input. "We can never act in ways that cause someone to trust us if we do not understand what they feel, think, need, desire and fear."

Proverbs 18:13 He that answereth a matter before he heareth it, it is folly and shame unto him.

In that verse, the word "hear" means "understands" from Strong's concordance. When we fail to understand someone, it unknowingly communicates that we only care about ourselves. When we truly know and understand someone, what they like and dislike, what they need and desire, and very importantly- what hurts them.

Motive is next. Do they care about me? Or do they have an ulterior motive? Are they looking out for my good, while caring for their own life too? Always look into the "why" behind why people do what they do. Is it for selfish reasons, success, fame? Do they love their neighbor (you/me) as themselves? We can let down our guard when we can trust these questions.

Matthew 22:37-40 Jesus said unto him, Thou shalt love the Lord thy God with all thy heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy mind. This is the first and great commandment. And the second is like unto it, Thou shalt love thy neighbour as thyself. On these two commandments hang all the law and the prophets.

Just because someone has understanding and a good motive, doesn't mean they have the ability to do what we are asking them to do. We may need to trust them in a specific way, and do they have the ability to do so? Many times this falls apart due to trust in other areas, but not experience in the specific way needed (children taking over a family business, for instance). Training and building trust with adding responsibilities is still required. Is this person suitable for the task/job at hand? If not, would someone else be a better fit? Are they humble enough to admit when something is out of their expertise? It is wisdom to vet people for ability before trusting them in a specific area. (The parable of the talents comes to mind in Matt 25:14-29)

The next essential is character. We need to look past just moral and ethical standards, and look a bit deeper. This takes self-awareness as it deals with our own emotions and the emotions of others. How adaptive are we when things go awry? Are we positive or negative? Can we work well with others?

2 Peter 1:5-9 And beside this, giving all diligence, add to your faith virtue; and to virtue knowledge;
And to knowledge temperance; and to temperance patience; and to patience godliness; And to godliness brotherly kindness; and to brotherly kindness charity. For if these things be in you, and abound, they make you that ye shall neither be barren nor unfruitful in the knowledge of our Lord Jesus Christ. But he that lacketh these things is blind, and cannot see afar off, and hath forgotten that he was purged from his old sins.

Here's a few traits we also want to be aware of that break down relationships (looking in ourselves, or when dealing with others).

defensiveness (what happens when you can't point out a problem or resolve a conflict?)
anger (how can you deal with someone prone to outbursts, rage or explosiveness?)
narcissism (how do we trust when someone who is always about themselves?)
drama and emotional instability (very hard to trust unpredictability)
control (how do we deal with people who need to be in control all the time?)
neediness and dependency (some people are still overly needy and dependent, still like children)
irresponsibility (how can we trust they will do what they say they'll do?)
codependency or lack of boundaries (unable to set limits on ability, time, resources, etc)
gossip or divisive behavior (Proverbs 17:9 He that covereth a transgression seeketh love; but he that repeateth a matter separateth very friends.)

We are not looking for perfection here, as we are all human and fail much every day. What we are looking for is a whole picture of traits combined that make you believe the person is who they say they are, and can do what they say they will do.

Fifth and last comes track record. The past is the best indicator of the future. Whenever we trust someone, we make ourselves vulnerable. If we don't know if they can come through for us in our vulnerability, we need proof somehow. We need objective reasons to hope and trust in them. Someone who doesn't listen well can't just say they'll listen and you believe them. They need to prove it over and over again until it is believed. Selfish people don't just start caring about others. Lazy people don't change overnight. These all take time and effort to change. Trust is simply not given, it must be earned. Mistakes again can and will be made, but then amends must be made as well. Forgiveness is needed and is free, but trust must be re-earned. Sometimes someone has a stellar track record in most areas, but not the area you need them to (marriage, parenting, moving up to new job responsibilities, etc). This doesn't mean you don't trust them, but that other factors must stand in for those lacking. We really do need all 5 areas secure before our bodies feel they can trust someone. Again, not looking for perfection, but staying within our abilities and strengths and not trying to be "all things to all people".

Next chapter he goes into is how we can lose our "trust muscle". Do we struggle depending on other people? Because trust is dependency. He then goes into attachment styles, which is a whole 'nother subject in and of itself, but it can help us see how much we do or don't trust other people. There's whole books written on this subject, as well as online quizzes to figure out which one you are.

The secure attachment style is people who are well adjusted, can ask for what they need, and expect that others will be there for them. The anxious attachment style is people who fear abandonment and can be needy or clingy. They constantly need reassurance because they feel that other people do not care enough about them, won't respond adequately to them or may reject them. The fearful vulnerability they bring into a relationship causes much distortion and an interruption of trust. As soon as people get close, the fears come to the surface and chase away relationship. The avoidant attachment style keeps up a defense to keep people away so they don't have to be vulnerable. These are people described as emotionally distant or unavailable. The last one is the fearful-avoidant style. They want to trust, but then they pull away as soon as they get close. These people can seem friendly and want to connect, but then as soon as they feel vulnerable they pull away. The other person often asks, "what did I do?" This can cause much chaos, pain and drama as they fail to trust people who are actually trustworthy.

Interesting to note, all of these attachment styles come down to the root of understanding. Does someone understand what I need, who I am, what hurts me, what helps me and other things that are important to me? Understanding is the foundation of all trust. To be known and understood. As soon as we get the cue that someone else is not understanding us, that's when suspicion and other forms of brokenness affect our "trust muscle". When someone does not feel understood during their developing years, they will spend a lifetime fearing trusting relationships. This can also come under the control category. When we trust, then we can depend on others while still being free to be ourselves. None of us want to give up freedom and autonomy in exchange for being controlled by someone else.

Other barriers to trust is the feeling that perfection is required for the ability to feel loved or accepted. This could come in many ways, but the underlying message is, "if I fail in any way, you will reject me or will not love me or will shame me". This could be physical experiences, moral standards, or a failure to meet some premeasured standard. People who are ok with imperfections do well with trust. They can own their own flaws and shortcomings, and do the same in other people. The other barrier to trust is step-up or step-down relationships. If we always feel above or below other people, it will cause us not to trust them. Sometimes, other people clearly want to keep us below them, with everything being a competition to stay on top. There is an underlying fear that seeing the world as an unequal place destroys trust. It makes all relationships a competition for best. You can't trust when you feel everyone is out to be "better than" "smarter than" "loved more than" you.

The next section is on repairing trust once it's been broken. It's never easy and is often a choice between 2 unfavorable options. You should only trust again with solid reasons based on objective criteria. You need to know whether you're dealing with the same person, or a new one.

Take time to heal and get well. We've been injured and we need to heal. Don't isolate or withdraw, but seek comfort and compassion with people who can support you and care for you. Recognize shock, numbness, denial and catastrophic thinking that comes with your pain. Hebrews 12:12-13 Wherefore lift up the hands which hang down, and the feeble knees; And make straight paths for your feet, lest that which is lame be turned out of the way; but let it rather be healed.
Move beyond anger and towards forgiveness. Forgiveness is a gift we give ourselves towards freedom. To nurse anger and bitterness is allowing a cancer to grow in your heart, soul and mind. As long as you are holding onto the hurts inside of you, that person still owns you. But this also means we need to feel the anger of the hurt and betrayal, and not squelch it. We need to feel our feelings as they come and go. Anger and forgiveness are never neat and tidy, a "once and done". Do not deny the gravity of what was done (whether intentional or unintentional), call it what it was and how it feels no matter how messy it sounds. Forgiveness has to do with the past, trust has to do with the future. Colossians 1:14 In whom we have redemption through his blood, even the forgiveness of sins:
Ponder what you really want. What is the best outcome we can imagine going forward? Should you stay or go? What behavior would I like to see? Are there things worth fighting for? Or are my eyes finally open enough to see that there's nothing more for me here? Is there a bigger picture than just this situation? This will take prayer and soul searching. We are not pondering forgiveness anymore, we are pondering going forward. This may take a lot of time as you evaluate whether you're dealing with Jekyll, Hyde or someone (hopefully) new. Ecc 3:5 ...a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing;
Figure out if reconciliation is available. Reconciliation is forgiveness, but is not trust (yet). For it to work, both parties have to engage in the process. Clear communication of the problem, and ask a few more questions. Do they take responsibility for what they did? Do they see that it was wrong? Do they understand the consequences or how it has hurt you or others? Do they repent and apologize as needed? Are they transparent with information, or do they give full access to the truth? Are they coming clean with the whole story? Still not trusting yet again, but getting answers so you can make an educated decision. If there's any "not my fault" answers in there, this will give you indications what to do. This would be things like denial, lying, gaslighting, blaming, excusing, minimizing, rationalizing, invalidating, etc. Wise people will listen to the confrontation, own it, apologize for it, learn from it and behave differently as a result of being corrected. We need to own our own part of the breakdown as well. Learn about our own strengths and weaknesses. For example, we may have seen red flags long ago, but because we lack conflict resolution skills, we avoided addressing/dealing with the problem. Proverbs 15:31 The ear that heareth the reproof of life abideth among the wise. Matthew 18:15-18 Moreover if thy brother shall trespass against thee, go and tell him his fault between thee and him alone: if he shall hear thee, thou hast gained thy brother. But if he will not hear thee, then take with thee one or two more, that in the mouth of two or three witnesses every word may be established. And if he shall neglect to hear them, tell it unto the church: but if he neglect to hear the church, let him be unto thee as an heathen man and a publican. Verily I say unto you, Whatsoever ye shall bind on earth shall be bound in heaven: and whatsoever ye shall loose on earth shall be loosed in heaven.
Assess trustworthiness, to determine if trust is an option. We need to start back at the essentials and work through them. Do they understand what is important to me? Do they understand what I need from them? Do they understand what makes me feel open and free with them and what will make me move towards them in trust? Does he/she understand me, my reality, and my desires in our relationship (or are they only focused on themselves)? Also asking where the relationship broke down in the first place is good to evaluate. Where was there a lack of understanding? Was there a focus that didn't take both sides into consideration? What abilities may have been assumed but were actually lacking? How did this lead to disappointment, injury or hurt? What character traits have hurt the relationships and should be addressed? What is this person's track record in other relationships?
Look for evidence of real change.

admission of need (admit and receive help)
verifiable involvement in a proven process (AA or something tried and true as needed)
structured approach (a way to learn new skills)
skilled help (someone specific who can tailor it to our situation and needs)
new experiences and skills (what are they learning and applying?)
self-sustaining motivation (craving and seeking help on their own)
presence of support (listener, encourager, and safety net)
some evidence of change (this will take time, but we want to see changes slowly for the better)
monitoring systems (someone to monitor progress, can be people from above lists)
total transparency (if there's been lying, duplicity, secrecy, etc)
willingness to be questioned (if trust has been broken, there will be suspicion and so the person should be willing to be questioned. If they get defensive, this will make things worse. People who are trying to rebuild trust should welcome questions.)

The two parties directly involve in the breakdown of trust usually cannot restore it on their own. Who can help you navigate this process? How will you learn new skills so this won't happen again? What kind of structured path can you build the new, better relationship?

____________________

I think of these things as I raise my kids. I'm learning new skills to relate to them, ones that I've never learned before (and have had to repent of my old ways to them). One example that I was talking about with a friend, is how we can deal with over dramatic, emotional sons/daughters. Here's an example~

Daughter comes in crying, "Everybody hates me, nobody likes me!" As a Mom, you know this isn't true, but it's how she feels right now. We have 2 choices. We can tell her, "That isn't true, so and so likes you, and so does this person and that person (and on and on to try to convince her she's wrong)" And we as adults know that all of her friends are probably at home complaining of the same fate to their mothers! But if we dig deeper we can ask ourselves, why is she telling me that? What are her feelings behind her words? Why does she feel like everyone hates her? Is she lonely and wants to see them? Bored? Hurt by one or more of them? Worried about one of them? What is it? We need to dig deeper by asking her more questions. She's likely really looking for empathy, love and compassion; not us trying to convince her how we think she should feel by trying to talk her out of it. She feels completely unheard if we do that and the trust has been broken. She will feel that we don't understand her at all, and that we haven't even tried (and possibly that we don't love her either). We (as parents) just think (by our words to her) that we have it all figured out from a stable, unemotional adult perspective; yet we've missed the whole bonding experience with our daughter because we didn't seek to understand her deeper. Regretfully I've done this countless times with my kids because I knew no other way. ("it's not that bad", "you're blowing this way out of proportion", "quit overreacting", etc) Here's a list of emotions below that you can download to get you started. Reading old classic books has helped me as well. Books like Pride and Prejudice, Emma, Jane Eyre, Gone With The Wind have also helped me improve my emotional vocabulary to better express myself.

Atlas of the Heart List of Emotions - Brené Brown (brenebrown.com)

Our job as parents is to teach an emotional vocabulary to our kids. Help them to express themselves because none of us were born with these skills, especially us introverts. 80% of adults questioned only had 3 emotions (happy, sad, angry). But there's so many more out there that we can teach our kids! The only way they'll learn it is from other people, and us parents are the best ones to do this. I've never learned how to express my needs or emotions as they are, I've always logically explained them away as if they belonged to someone else (because that keeps me from being vulnerable!) It actually decreases the emotions when we can healthily express them. This doesn't mean they'll become more "out of hand", but actually they become less volatile because they aren't continuously building up for a volcano (their body is screaming for connection, only to be shut down and dismissed). Healthy emotional expression just gently seeps in and out of our lives, the joys and the heartaches.

So, we can ask questions like~

How does/did that make you feel?
What can I do to help you?
How can I show you my love right now?
Can I give you a hug? Rub your feet/back?
Do you want me here, or would you prefer time alone and I can check back in on you?

These emotionally charged times are NOT the time for lecturing or advice. That can come later when they are emotionally stable and stronger. Now is the time for support and love. And empathy and compassion. A time to keep our mouths shut and let them cry and cry and talk if they want. I recently read an article on helping kids grieve and it likened it to a tunnel. To let them cry until they are all cried out, and then that's the light at the end of that tunnel for them (on that day). I was skeptical, but I tried it with 2 different children. I held them and let them cry until they were done. Yes, this was 1-2 hours of it each time. I didn't talk, I occasionally sang to them after getting their permission. It was super hard as a mom to do this, but after they were each done, they were at peace. They knew they were loved and supported through their hard day (that had been accumulating for a while!) One of them even said after (in my Mother's Day card) "thanks for loving me when I'm not being lovable". These were new words to hear, from new behaviors I'd learned. This child felt heard and loved because I didn't try to talk them out of their emotions (which negates any sort of understanding); but sat in them with (without getting sucked into the vortex of their overwhelm as well, which is also easy to do).

Another example happened just this week. One child was being mean over and over to their younger siblings. I had gotten after this child many times, separated them, tried to find out the reason behind the meanness. When I finally sat down and dug into the heart of the matter, I found out that this child was scared. They were being left alone with the younger siblings for a short while each day, and they were worried that one of the younger siblings would choke while Mom was gone. The meanness was actually fear that something bad would happen and they wouldn't know what to do. They didn't know how to express it, and had tried to talk themself out of it to no avail, so it came out in bullying instead. I can now see that this is often the case, and we moms often don't know how to or will take the time to dig a bit deeper to help them put words into what they are feeling. After I knew this, I could help this child navigate what they should do, and comfort them in their inner turmoil; not by minimizing it and pretending it was no big deal or by brushing over it either. But by trying to understand the root of it and having compassion. It's definitely more time consuming this way, but I can see a big difference in the peace of my children when I do take the time to seek to understand (and not pretend I understand by putting words in their mouths, which is also easy to do! (I do that to Greg too...ugh!))

If you don't feel like reading the whole book (which I do recommend), this YouTube talk of his is well worth it. (the first 3 min are fluff, so you can skip in a bit)

Trust - Dr. Henry Cloud - YouTube

Wednesday, May 17, 2023

Homeopathy for Emotional Healing

I've been wanting to list the homeopathic remedies that I've used so far healing emotionally. Most information out there is for acute or chronic physical symptoms, but I want to let you know that it can be used for healing our emotional states as well. I've been delving into this myself, using myself as a guinea pig, but you can also find a homeopath to guide you through this if you don't feel interested or comfortable in doing all the reading and experimenting.

I've mostly used 2 books, which I listed before in another blog post. They use what is called "Mega Potencies" which are much higher dilutions that get to a cellular level of healing (vibrational energy frequency). These are also gentler than lower dosing so there's less chance of an aggravation (old symptoms reappearing that have been suppressed by medication or lifestyle). I recommend all of these in a 200C dose, although there's many ideas on going higher too. 200C is the one that is readily available at your local health food store too. Higher doses can be harder to find. This dosing can be 1-2x a week for 8 weeks and then reassess. Can take more frequently if needed as well.

I used this homeopathic grief protocol to begin with, and have expanded from there as needed for myself.

Ignatia- is for grief. Remember, grief is the gap between what you hoped/expected and what actually is. Past, present, future. We all grieve, and should grieve regularly. Pretending something doesn't hurt or isn't a big deal builds up in our bodies over time. Grief also must be shared, we cannot grieve alone. When you can't see how to go forward, and feel stymied by the past, Ignatia is a good one to take.

Aconite- is for fear and fright. Have you experienced something fearful (even 10, 20, 30+ years ago)? Same thing- past, present, future. Do you easily find yourself overwhelmed or fearful about certain issues? Did you have a traumatic birth (mother or baby) no matter how long ago? Do you have high levels of stress? Do you use logic to override your emotions to keep them in check? Extensive fears for family and friends? Fear of of the future? Fearful dreams? Have you ever been in shock from an accident or seeing an accident? All these things and more indicate a need for Aconite. It's acutely used for fighting illness (it rallies the immune boosting cells) or if you get a fever (especially one after being out in a cold wind).

Arnica- is for when you try to act tough. For when you act like you don't care but you really do, when you won't accept help because that would be admitting weakness. Arnica is great for bruised bodies and bruised egos. If you fear being hugged in public because it might show weakness, Arnica is your remedy of choice.

Ledum- is for forgiveness. If you've been hurt or betrayed and you are finding it hard to forgive, Ledum can help you with that (for reals!) Those who need Ledum often get stuck in their hurts and can't move forward. They bring it up again and again how someone hurt them, and never seem to get to the present but keep a firm hold on the hurts from the past. They often fear losing emotional control if they should forgive, and hold grudges quite nicely. Physically they often have tendon issues from holding their bodies tightly.

Ruta- is for lack of unity. If you can't seem to find common ground with your friends and family, or in any other setting (church, political, work), Ruta helps you do this. Ruta is what makes groups of unlike people work together on a common goal and to see each other's point of view. Ruta people often have issues with load bearing joints from carrying a heavy load trying to unite people together with their own strength. Organ prolapse falls in here too. Ruta can bring peace to the person, which then brings peace to the relationships to bring unity again where it was lost.

Staphysgria- is for offense done to our personal space/body. This can be things like multi-generational housing situations with dominant matriarchs, dental procedures or surgeries (especially to our private organs), or as generational physical, emotional and sexual abuse. People needing this remedy have strict rules of right/wrong, black/white, and use the word "should" a lot. ("People should ...") They also think they know what's best for everyone else, yet follow different standards for themselves. Offenses to our bodies also can be vaccinations, antibiotics, orthodontic work, steroids, surgery, etc. The body feels the trauma and holds it tightly. It knows when it's been violated, even if we think we were helping things at the time and we often were temporarily. Physically this also leads to gland issues/hormone challenges. These kind of women always have a generic peaceful smile that you know isn't genuine but a guise. The anger stage of grief also indicates Staphysgria. If "you're feeling always angry, very sensitive to what others say to you. You may always take things in the wrong way. Very snappy. Feeling indignant about what has happened", then this remedy is good for that as well.

Lycopodium- is for bullying. If you're either the bully or the one who has been bullied, this is a good remedy for that. Often there is lower GI symptoms that go along with this, such as bloating or bowel issues. Also for "lack of self-confidence, anticipation and undertaking of new things."

Nux Vomica- is for the opposite. Upper GI issues such as heartburn, vomiting, gall bladder or digestive issues of the stomach. Nux needers are "over the top". Those folks who are "too much". Eat too much, talk too much, worry too much, and this remedy is great for all of those. Any extended worry or stress can be relieved with Nux as well. When other people annoy you because they are "too much", Nux can help you have patience with their idiosyncrasies too! It helps on both ends of things! (this is great for workplace stress where you can't avoid the person!)

Natrum Muriaticum- this remedy is great for old grief that you've never dealt with. The kind you've kept bottled up inside for decades. It helps you find peace for those things you don't want to talk about. "Thinking about what is causing the sadness and all the unpleasant memories. Dwelling on it and the ideas cling and prevent sleep at night. Hating people that have offended you. Feeling revengeful. Feeling sad but can’t cry. Constant recurrent thoughts of past disagreeable occurrences." Nat Mur is especially good for rumination. If you find your mind going round and round replaying certain conversations or scenarios, Nat Mur is great for letting those things go.

Hydrastis- is for over responsibility. If you've carried other people's burdens for too many years, this is likely the remedy you need. I'm just starting on this one now, so don't have any news to report yet. If you have bowel, liver or gall bladder issues, this is often needed for these. (It releases the guilt and anger). If you think that you can somehow fix other people so that they don't have to feel the consequences of their choices, or you take the blame for them, then Hydrastis can be helpful for you. If you feel personally responsible that something bad happened (accident, harm to someone else), then this can free you of that guilt.

"Emotions govern structure, and structure governs function" ~Jill Turland

Taking these remedies can also help your spinal issues too. This chart below can help you decide which remedy you might need (most of us need several of them to undo years of ill health, physically and emotionally).

Some other ones that are used for emotional healing are:

Conium- worries about money. About not having enough or obsessing about always having more, comparing to others. Fear of loss of independence if you can't make money, emotionally closed off

Hypericum- low self value, feels others think you worthless, may have been abandoned. Never responsible, always someone to blame. Sympathetic only to those below them (underdogs). Must cut down tall poppies if they reach same level. Competitive, loves to win. Boring, often laboring a point so much that the point is missed.

Symphytum- feels guilty if not working. Must earn the right to life. The word "work" is in everything they do. Workaholics. Genetic abnormalities, abnormal cell proliferation, faulty function of cells and toxin removal, leukocyte abnormalities

Sepia- hormone imbalances, especially during puberty and menopause, depression related to same plus pregnancy, indifferent or aversion to loved ones (husband/wife and children especially), mentally and physically worn out "I'm sick of being the only one who does anything around here", ill effects of overwork, anger and vexation (even many years later)

Stramonium-anger, nervous repetitive actions (tics), stammering or speech issues, night terrors, complaints that started after fear or fright (similar to aconite)

Causticum- is for injustice...fighters of a cause, whistleblowers, and unable to release the thoughts of ideal (everything fair)

These are more good websites with lots of info~

Christina Villacorta (I really like her grief protocol (link above), but she has many more)

Homeopathy for Women (for everyone!) Has homeopathic info on vax detox, heavy metal testing/detox, birth control detox, mood disorder support and detox, and more

These are the only ones I've used personally, but there are many, many more available. I'm also now treating our whole family for miasms, which are the generational genetic level of mutation to cells. I've done the cancer one, and now I'm doing TB (we have a family history of both, as does most of our society). The doctor I'm learning under says that he treats 98% of his patients with the cancer nosode (remedy made from the disease to treat it and heal the gene expression).

Here's their indications~

Cancer (Carcinosin)

The cancer miasm is an equally divided combination of the original three miasms of Hahnemann: Psoric, Sycotic and Syphilitic.

Keynotes of the Cancer miasm are emotional sensitivity and/or repression of emotions like anger, fear, and aggression.

Susceptible to pneumonia, chemical toxicity or multiple allergy syndrome, overexposure to chemicals, and situations where the immune system seems to go into overdrive, reacting to everything.
This miasm is also commonly seen when there are reactions to vaccinations and allopathic drug use.
There can be perfectionist tendencies, depression, and even apathy.
A person with this miasm activated will have the tendency to be over-reactive to many things without the ability to determine what is healthy and what is not.
There is often a history of repeated and severe childhood illnesses and infections, sensitive gums and teeth, growth disorders, obsessive compulsive disorder, and autism spectrum disorders.
This miasm is likely activated when there are significant challenges with relationships between human beings, specifically with our individual, one-to-one relationships.
The greatest challenge with this miasm is the ability to stay open emotionally and yet feel protected and safe at the same time.
The cancer miasm has a tendency to be too accommodating and agreeable, to one’s own peril – often known as the “doormat syndrome.” When the true self is continually suppressed to the needs or wants of others, this miasm is awakened.
Deep sadness, grief, guilt or anger is also seen with this miasm.
The tendency to be over concerned with others or to go along with others so as not to upset anyone seems to be deeply ingrained in this person.
This miasm is usually suspected in those with a family history of cancer or diabetes.
Working with this miasm will help to improve one’s ability to grow in relationships, will strengthen and balance the immune system and the spleen in particular.

Common symptoms: Chronic fatigue syndrome, colitis, constipation, diabetes, immune system weakness, insomnia, ovarian cyst, PMS, tics, developmental delays, vaccine reactions.

More info~ Carcinosin • The Healing Haven Homeopathic Dispensary

Tubucular (Tuberculinum)

Keynotes of the tubercular miasm are coughs, breathing issues and lung problems, respiratory system imbalances, frequent colds and sensitivity to the cold.

The most favorable place for the tubercular person is said to be up in the mountains and in fresh air.
Often have problems with breathing or constriction around the throat.
Weakness in the thyroid gland.
Often struggle with self-expression in some way.
Often frail and sensitive to the heat, but also easily chilled.
They are sensitive to weather changes, environmental toxins, atmospheric and barometric pressure changes.
Children with this miasm may have prolonged bedwetting, frequent nightmares, temper tantrums, and often have an aversion to milk.
They also tend to be susceptible to ringworm, acne, and white spots on the nails.
Experience loss of appetite.
Tendency to have parasites and allergies.
Have a fear of dogs.
They are prone to exhaustion if stressed and may feel as if they never have enough rest.
Desire to travel (or if travel is not possible, the desire to change clothing often and move the furniture frequently).
The tubercular person is better with the sun and warmth.
The Tubercular type has a sense that things could be changed or improved, or that there is something missing.
There is a strong drive for freedom and a resistance to any kind of restriction.

Common symptoms: Allergy, asthma, astigmatism, autism, bronchitis, teeth grinding, croup, compulsive disorders, bed wetting, lymphoma, pneumonia, rheumatoid arthritis, lupus, ringworm, upper respiratory infections, tonsillitis.

There's also more miasms too~

Miasms, Psoric Miasm, Sycotic Miasm, Tubercular miasm, Syphilitic miasm, Cancer Miasm (homeopathyforwomen.org)

Wednesday, March 29, 2023

When The Body Says No- Exploring the Stress-Disease Connection, book review

This book was absolutely intriguing, although I must add that with all books I read, I take what's applicable to me and ignore the rest. Doesn't mean I believe or agree with everything in it, just means I'm doing a review to help me remember what I've read.

Dr. Gabor Maté was a hospice M.D. in Vancouver, BC (he's now retired) who has taken a deeper look into his hospice patients. What he noticed after talking to them (actually mostly listening to them!) deeper over the many years, was that they all had something in common. They had never learned to express healthy anger or to say no (described more thoroughly later on), which interestingly is learned when we are yet babies and toddlers (before age 3).

He goes into various diseases such as ALS, MS, and cancer as well as autoimmune diseases too. During a study of women with breast cancer, "our principal finding was a significant association between the diagnosis of breast cancer and a behavior pattern throughout adult life, of abnormal release of emotions. This abnormality was, in most cases, extreme suppression of anger and, in patients over 40, extreme suppression of other feelings." Also "an inability to discharge or deal appropriately with anger, aggressiveness or hostility (which in turn was masked by a façade of pleasantness)". The unresolved conflict was "manifested through denial and unrealistic self-sacrificing behaviors". Hereditary/genetic factors (genes) pale in comparison to these factors recorded. Stress (internal from external) is the biggest factor in developing cancer. He goes through breast, prostate, uterine/ovarian, melanoma, leukemias and lymphomas and lung cancers specifically, but other cancers fall in here too likely. There's an extreme sense of duty, and an unbalanced inability to ask for help or receive help themselves. This often starts as small children who sense their parent's pain and needs because they can see the stress their parents are under and try to ease it by being a "good boy/good girl". (Kids are amazingly perceptive to parent's emotions for good and bad). As they grow older, this repression of their own anger tends to accompany loneliness and a lack of social support because the lack of negative emotion (repressed) is never seen by others (due to lack of vulnerability). These people cannot be true to themselves even on the deepest level.

What may be looked at as a character flaw in ourselves or others, is often actually a coping mechanism that the person acquired young in childhood. This is a response to environment, not inborn genetic weakness. For example, "controlling" people may actually be exhibiting extreme anxiety because of high levels of fear for whatever reason started the process long, long ago. He says that no one who he interviewed for the book could answer yes to the question~ "When you were a child, and you felt sad, upset or angry, was there anyone who you could talk to about it?" Everyone one of them said no, that there was no one, that they learned to deal with it on their own. Sometimes parents were too busy, too stressed themselves, or just didn't know what to do with negative emotion (tried to cheer them up or talk them out of their negative feelings saying things like "cheer up" "suck it up" "brush it off" "quit making a big deal" "be thankful you aren't ..." etc, etc).

Interestingly, in the chapter on autoimmune disease, specifically rheumatoid arthritis and ankylosing spondylitis (the ones he mentions), there were studies done on the emotional state of the patients. There was found a high percentage of people who had an inhibition of anger and a high concern about the social acceptability of behaviors. They also scored high on "compliance, shyness, conscientiousness, religiosity and moralism." These traits combined with stress (internal or external) can lead to autoimmune disorders much more readily than those without.

He then has a chapter on cortisol, and he goes into asthma and eczema. How these are very much mind-body connections to stress. How an impaired HPA axis promotes inflammation, and thus asthma and eczema (and others). He tells of studies done with stressful situations, and the asthmatic children's responses to either their parent's voices or the voices of a stranger, and the children responded contrary to what they thought. The parent's voices increased abnormal breathing, while the stranger's did not. This indicated an emotional response likely due to past interactions and habits already formed. It was concluded that highly sensitive children pick up the emotional cues from their parents, and that these families often have enmeshment/codependency, overprotectiveness (controlling), rigidity and lack of conflict resolution skills in it. (Boundaries!) One word that was new to me here was differentiation. This is defined as "the ability to be in emotional contact with others yet still autonomous in one's own emotional functioning". A poorly differentiated person lacks emotional boundaries between himself and others, that prevents his thinking process from being overwhelmed by his emotional feeling process. He automatically absorbs others' feelings which creates anxiety within himself. A well differentiated person responds to their own emotions which are not tailored to suit other people's expectations. They neither suppress theirs nor act out on their own.

These habits become programmed into our cells at a molecular level, so healing them can be challenging. As in the "It Didn't Start With You" book, these are often generations old. They are the reactions of the stressors on our operating systems. Do we even recognize them? Do we magnify or minimize our potential threats? Do we believe we have to work to be loved? All these questions either keep us in defensive mode, or we can heal and be open to growth and health.

Some commonly held misperceptions are these~

I have to be strong (we don't want to be vulnerable because we fear rejection)
It's not right for me to be angry (we have learned that it isn't acceptable)
If I'm angry, I'm unlovable (people won't like me if I show anger)
I'm responsible for the whole world (it's my job to "make people happy")
I can handle anything (there's always more I can do to improve things)
I'm not wanted, I'm not lovable (unspoken words, but deeply felt for various reasons)
I don't exist unless I do something, I must justify my existence (a sense of emptiness when not busy)
I have to be very ill to deserve being taken care of (we don't deserve what others deserve, or what we will do for others)

Dr. Gabor Maté was born during the Holocaust to Jewish parents. If anyone understands what stress does to the body, his family did. His dad was put in a work camp, his grandparents were killed in Auschwitz when he was 5 months old, and he and his mother were alone living in a Budapest ghetto for the first year of his life. When he was an infant, he wouldn't stop crying and his mother finally took him to a doctor. The doctor just said, "all my Jewish babies are crying right now". The parent's stress becomes the children's. This is not to place blame, but to call it what it is as reality.

One important thing he notes about disease, is that the common terminology is to "fight it". You hear about "being a warrior" with cancer or whatever similar terminology is used. He disagrees with this. Disease is then viewed as a battle, which isn't helpful physiologically nor psychologically. Disease is a push-pull force of input and output, of your body trying to find balance and harmony and flow. Some of these things we can control, some we can't. But what disease isn't is a hostile force that we need to "kill" or "defeat". Instead it is a sign of disharmony inside ourselves, screaming for harmony. This includes our physical, emotional, and spiritual body. What might not be in balance? What is being ignored? Why is my body reacting this way? are better questions to ask. We have to muster up the strength to think negatively (accept reality).

Thinking positively only keeps us in denial (rose colored glasses?) For women with recurrent breast cancer, "Patients who reported little in the way of [psychological] stress...and who were rated by others as 'well-adjusted', were more likely to be dead at the one year follow-up." The more that people tune out their anxiety by "positive thoughts", denial or daydreaming; the longer that stress will act on them and the more damaging it will be. When one doesn't feel the heat, they are more likely to be burned. Many people are blocked from personal growth by the myth that they felt compelled to hold onto, of having "a happy childhood". A little negative thinking would empower them to see themselves stuck in self-harming behavior patterns to cling to the good and ignore the bad. When people start opening up about their childhood emotions, the "happy childhood" rarely stands. We all have had both, the happy and the unhappy parts. Owning them both is essential. The point of this (again!) is not to place blame, but to enable us to discard any beliefs that are dangerous to our health. Taking off the rose colored glasses helps us take responsibility for our own relationships. We actually can't place blame anymore, and we can examine all our relationships in the light of recognizing our emotional needs (to love and be loved, connection, etc) and to act with compassion and assertion in making those known. We must accept that we aren't as impenetrable or independent as we may have portrayed, or that our strong self-image is due to our fragility not our actual strength. We have to let go of the guilt of "not doing enough" and learning to say "no" (no more people pleasing). Allowing negative thinking also allows us to unflinchingly call things what they are. What is working and what is not. What is hurtful, what is helpful. And on and on.

Now on to healing...I'm just going to paste this off his actual website.

1) Acceptance is simply the willingness to recognize and accept how things are. It is the courage to permit “negative thinking” to inform our understanding, without allowing it to define our approach to the future. (this is not "doom and gloom", it's actually hope)

2) Awareness means that we regain our lost capacity to perceive emotional reality and that we are ready to let go of the paralyzing belief that we are not strong enough to face the truth about our lives. Awareness also means learning what the signs of stress are in our own bodies, how our bodies telegraph us when our minds have missed the cues.

3) Anger is a physiological process to be experienced. In addition, it has cognitive value – it provides essential information. Depending on circumstances, we may choose to manifest the anger, let go of it or simply contemplate what may have triggered it. The key is to not suppress the experience of anger. The repression of anger and the unregulated acting-out of it are both examples of the abnormal release of emotions that is at the root of disease. Both repression and rage represent a fear of the genuine experience of anger. When healthy anger is experienced, nothing overly dramatic happens. What does happen is a decrease of all muscle tension. (**What most people think of as anger is actually rage and/or anxiety from lack of expressing anger healthily)

4) Autonomy We experience life through our bodies. If we are not able to articulate our life experience, our bodies speak what our minds and mouths cannot. A personal boundary is an energetic experience of one’s self or the other person. We not only communicate boundaries verbally, but we have an energetic expression that is non-verbal. “Boundaries are invisible, the result of a conscious, internal felt sense defining who I am. Asking yourself, ‘In my life and relationships, what do I desire, want more of, or less of, or what don’t I want, what are my stated limits?’ begins the process…. In this self-definition, we define what we value and what in life at this particular time from a place of internal self-reference; the locus of control is from inside ourselves.” – Dr. Joann Peterson: Anger, Boundaries, and Safety.

Compassionate curiosity about the self, means that we look at ourselves with the same non-judgmental acceptance we would wish to accord anyone else who suffered and who needed help. Boundaries and autonomy are essential for health. Healthy anger leaves the individual (not the unbridled emotion) in charge. Autonomy is the development of that internal center of control.

5) Attachment is our connection with the world. Connection is also vital to healing. We sometimes find it easier to feel bitterness or rage than to allow ourselves to experience that aching desire for contact. Behind all our anger lies a deeply frustrated need for truly intimate contact. Healing both requires and implies regaining the vulnerability that made us shut down emotionally in the first place. We are no longer helpless dependent children; we no longer need to fear emotional vulnerability. We can permit ourselves to honour the universally reciprocal human need for connection and to challenge the ingrained belief that unconsciously burdens so many people with chronic illness: that we are not lovable.

6) Assertion. In our fear we falsely equate reality with tumult, being with activity, meaning with achievement. It is the statement of our being, a positive valuation of ourselves independent of our history, personality, abilities or the world’s perceptions of us. Assertion challenges the core belief that we must somehow justify our existence.

7) Affirmation When we affirm, we make a positive statement; we move toward something of value. Everyone has an urge to create, and we must honour this urge. To do so is healing for ourselves and for others; not to do so deadens our bodies and our spirits. The second great affirmation is of the universe itself – our connection with all that is. Health rests on three pillars: the body, the psyche/mind/emotions and the spiritual connection. To ignore any one of them is to invite imbalance and dis-ease. Seeking connections is a necessity for healing. Assertion is the declaration to ourselves and to the world that we are and that we are who we are.

If you prefer a shorter way of learning this all without reading the book, this YouTube lecture is excellent.

When the Body Says No -- Caring for ourselves while caring for others. Dr. Gabor Maté - YouTube