Boundaries, Changes that Heal- Book Review

I finally read the Boundaries book as promised, and I wasn't too impressed. I found that it was rather vague, at the end I still didn't have a very good grasp on what they are, the purpose of them, how to know if we have them or not, and how we establish them with ourselves and with others in a loving and healthy way.  I did learn these are the effects of poor boundaries though (he explains them better in the book).

-depression (lack of them allows us to be treated poorly resulting in resentment and hurts)

-panic/anxiety (due to lack of perceived control over our lives)

-resentment/martyr syndrome (doing things out of obligation from others)

-passive-aggressiveness (same as last one)

-codependency (taking on responsibility for the behaviors of other adults, this can also sometimes include enabling sin and evil)

-identity confusion (we don't know what is our responsibility and what is someone else's, what a heavy burden)

-difficulties in being alone (they have no identity of their own, so cannot hold love and need constant reassurance and love from others, the cup is never filled though)

-masochism (cannot set limits on abuse of themselves or others, think they don't deserve it)

-over-responsibility and guilt (feel responsible for others safety, well-being and happiness, cannot ever do enough to meet those needs though)

-under-responsibility (those who are keeping track of others so much often neglect the needs in their own lives)

-feelings of obligation (same as last ones) 1 Cor 9:7

-victim mentality (life happens TO them, and they had no choice or responsibility in it)

-blaming (goes along with victimhood.  Takes no responsibility for their own feelings, action or behaviors, they all must be blamed on someone else)

-feelings of being let down (since they spend so much time taking care of others, they feel others should do the same for them)

-isolation (due to lack of boundaries, there comes distorted thinking and a lack of freedom, so relationships are eliminated to avoid potential conflict so they never have to feel controlled or invaded, they choose isolation instead of healthy boundaries)

-extreme dependency (they have never felt a feeling of owning their own life so often fuse their life with someone else to avoid ownership. They are very fearful of separateness)

-disorganization and lack of direction (they often cannot choose goals, likes and dislikes, they lack direction and purpose)

-substance abuse and eating disorders (feel out of control in their lives so use substances to dull their pain and make a few of their own choices)

-obsessive-compulsive behaviors (people turn their lack of control about life against themselves, since they can't control others. Learning healthy boundaries helps to fix this)

-procrastination (this is from not being able to say no, the parable of the two sons in Matt 21 explains further)

-impulsivity (lacking internal structure, they are unable to say no to impulses and urges, cannot be honest with themselves)

-generalized anxiety (again, no internal structure to feel safe, so always feel anxious)

Here's a few questions to ask you about your boundaries with others.  Do you tend to do the first question in each, or the second?  I'm guilty of the first most my life, unfortunately.  Slowly learning!

It can also lead to high functioning anxiety, which looks pretty good from the outside~

In that book though, he mentioned another book he has written called Changes that Heal that I already had sitting on my shelf, and so, after reading this one the pieces have started to come together.

He starts out by listing the 4 things we need to learn to grow up to be an adult. Often (for various reasons) we neglect to learn some or all of these things. It sounds pretty simple summed up here, but when you read the book you can see how complex these processes are in light of God's Word and our exposure to the world (our family, our schools, our churches, our friends, etc). He first goes into learning proper distinctions and definitions of the words grace and truth, and how time (to learn and grow) plays into it all.  

• Bond with others – To connect in a meaningful way with other humans
• Separate from others – Learn when and how to be apart from others
• Sort out issues of good and bad – Identify what is good for us and bad for us
• Take charge as an adult – Be in peer relationships where you have to take responsibility appropriately

Sometimes the biggest challenge to working on an issue is getting past the defenses. Some of the defenses that we have against seeing our own limitations are so powerful that they deny reality. They prevent us from realizing that we’re using defenses. It becomes our greatest challenge to see ourselves with integrated self-images – to recognize ourselves for both our good and our bad qualities. Here’s a list of common defenses that we all use:

• Denial – We simply deny that we have any problems. We’re focused completely on the fact that we’re without fault – or at least this fault.
• Devaluation – Yes but… The love and connection that is offered to me is devalued so that it doesn’t count. The emotional isolation I’m experiencing isn’t my fault because the connections that are being offered to me aren’t valuable.
• Projection – This is the act of taking your feeling and ascribing it to someone else because you don’t want to own it. “I’m not angry; you’re angry – and it’s making me angry.”
• Reaction Formation – This is saying that I’m the opposite of what I’m really feeling. Instead of saying I feel sad I say that I feel happy.
• Mania – I’m hyperactive but disorganized.
• Idealization – I visualize myself as perfect. I believe that it’s impossible to have a fault because I’m perfect. (we'd never admit this of course!)

By contrast, here are the things you do when you’re moving into the wound and the process of healing:

• Realize the Need – I accept that I have a need be bonded and attached to others.
• Move Towards Others – I recognize that I have to move towards others – not expect they will always move towards me.
• Be Vulnerable – I must be vulnerable to get close to others. If I live behind impenetrable walls no one will ever be able to get close.
• Challenge Distorted Thinking – I recognize that my perception is distorted and that some thoughts and feelings distort it further.
• Allow Dependent Feelings – I have to allow a level of attachment to another person to be connected to them. I must care about them.
• Become Comfortable with Anger – Anger is disappointment directed. I can use anger as a tool to better understand my relationship to others.
• Be Empathetic – I need to share (or mirror) others’ thoughts, feelings, and emotions to truly connect with them.
• Rely on the Holy Spirit – I have insufficient power on my own, but through the Holy Spirit I can.
• Say Yes to Life – I must internalize that to be fully alive is to be connected with God and others.

10 Skills for Becoming an Adult

• Reevaluate Beliefs – I reevaluate my beliefs based on what I know. Humans are lousy at reprocessing what we know when our awareness and values change.
• Respectful Disagreement with Authority Figures – I acknowledge and accept my disagreements with authority figures – and choose healthy ways of dealing with them.
• Make Your Own Decisions – I don’t allow others to make decisions for me – I own my own life.
• Practice Disagreeing – I need to accept that disagreeing with others is natural and healthy.
• Deal with Your Sexuality – “‘Children don’t talk about sex’, but adults can. Stop whispering!”
• Recognize and Pursue Talents – I will practice the skills that I’ve been given – with acceptance that failure is a pathway to growth.
• Discipline Yourself – I will be responsible for my own discipline.
• Gain Authority Over Evil – I have the ability to resist evil and temptation.
• Submit to Others out of Freedom – I will submit to others out of love and respect for them.
• Appreciate Mystery and the Unknown – I recognize that I’ll never know everything. I’ll accept that there are things that I cannot know.

Here's a review below by someone else that sums it up a bit differently, I'm just going to copy and paste. Lots to ponder!

Source: Summary: Changes That Heal By Henry Cloud (waiyancan.com)

Changing in Him

In the course of Henry Cloud’s own spiritual and professional journey, he has identified four aspects of the personality of God that, if we would cultivate them, would greatly improve our day-to-day functioning. God is able to do four things that we, his children, have difficulty doing:

1. Bond with others.

2. Separate from others.

3. Sort out issues of good and bad.

4. Take charge as an adult.

Without the ability to perform these basic functions, we can literally remain stuck for years, and growth and change can elude our grasp. In this blog I will explain these four developmental tasks, the barriers that get in the way of our achieving them, and the skills we need for completing them.

Pillar #1 Learning to Bond

Having good emotional connections is as natural as a plant taking in water. But we are not plants living in the Garden of Eden. Therefore, we require some serious gardening in order to bear fruit. The fig tree gardener planned to “dig around and fertilize” the tree that wasn’t bearing any fruit for a year to help it bear fruit.

Making human connections when you grew up without them takes a good dose of grace, truth, and time. Here are some skills that will start you on the long road to making changes that heal.

• Realize the need

You may not realize that your problems now stem from a lack of bonding and attachment. Perhaps you grew up in a family where closeness was not valued, or were injured to the point where you have forgotten how to bond. Thus, the first thing you need to do is to realize how much you need attachment.

• Move toward others

This is wonderful when others move toward you and seek out your heart, for that is what God does. Often, though, others cannot see what you need and how emotionally isolated you really are.

• Be vulnerable

Being vulnerable at a social level may be too threatening at first. Maybe you need to start with a pastor, counselor, or support group. But vulnerability is a skill that opens up the heart for love to take root. When you can admit that you need support and help, and can reveal your hurt and isolation, a dynamic is set into motion that can literally transform your personality and life.

• Challenge distorted thinking

If you don’t, for example, challenge the belief that “all people will leave me,” you will never form an abiding attachment, and you will re-create the isolation of your past. The Lord has promised to reveal the truth to you. Ask him to show you your particular distortions.

• Take risks

To learn new relational skills and the way of attachment, take risks. 

• Allow dependent feelings

Whenever you begin to allow someone to matter to your isolated heart, uncomfortable needy and dependent feelings will surface. These are the beginnings of a softening heart. Though uncomfortable, these feelings are a key to attachment.

• Be empathetic

Empathy is the ability to share in another’s emotions, thoughts, or feelings. Empathizing with others’ needs, identifying with their hurt, softens your own heart.

Pillar #2 Learning to Set Boundaries

Stephen was burned out and on the verge of losing his job because he could never say no to people’s requests for help. Sandy was unhappy and out of control of her life because she couldn’t say no to her mother. Jane suffered panic attacks because she couldn’t say no to her husband’s drinking. Jim was unhappy because he could never say no to his wife’s requests to work around the house.

Let’s look at some of the skills necessary for setting boundaries and learning to say no when someone tries to cross those boundaries.

• Gain awareness

Since setting boundaries is merely taking ownership of what is yours, your first step is gaining awareness of who you are. Become aware of your body, feelings, attitudes, behaviors, thoughts, abilities, choices, wants, and limits. Take inventory of where you have come from, where you are now, and where you are going.

• Define who you are

Just as God defines Himself, you need to assert yourself. Begin to say what you feel, what you like, what you want, what you will do, and what you think. Carve out an identity and say, “This is who I am.”

• Define who you are not

You must also say who you are not. Say what is “not you,” as well as what is you. Say what you don’t agree with, don’t like, won’t do, and so on. People with boundary problems often do not stand against anything. They take everything in. This is very destructive. In Proverbs 6, God calls us to stand against and hate some things.

• Develop the “no” muscle

A child learns to set boundaries by saying no. Many of us have eliminated this word from our vocabulary, and we need to rediscover it. Strengthen your no muscle. Begin with little exercises, such as saying no to dining at a certain restaurant that you don’t want to go to, and work your way up to more demanding ones. Learning to say no is probably the most important and difficult task in creating boundaries, especially saying no to parents.

• Stop blaming others

Taking responsibility for your own pain and not blaming others is a major move out of bondage and into health. Stop blaming others for your trouble, and deal with it. This does not mean that others did not cause it; it just means that you have to deal with it. Blaming others is a dead-end street.

• Stop playing victim

As an adult, you have choices. Begin to take responsibility for those choices and own them. If you are giving something, you are making a choice to give and you need to stop acting as if someone is making you give. As an adult, you are choosing. If you are working somewhere that you don’t like, take responsibility for finding something else. If you are being criticized over and over by a friend, take responsibility to set up a meeting with him or her. You are responsible for what you choose to do. Taking this responsibility will change your life.

• Persevere

God commands us to persevere, or to continue on in spite of difficulty or opposition. "Wherefore seeing we also are compassed about with so great a cloud of witnesses, let us lay aside every weight, and the sin which doth so easily beset us, and let us run with patience the race that is set before us, Looking unto Jesus the author and finisher of our faith; who for the joy that was set before him endured the cross, despising the shame, and is set down at the right hand of the throne of God.  For consider him that endured such contradiction of sinners against himself, lest ye be wearied and faint in your minds". (Heb. 12:1–3).

• Be honest

Be honest with others. Many people will not be honest because they fear loss of intimacy and togetherness. In reality, honesty brings people closer together, for it will strengthen their identities. The more you realize your separate identities, the closer you can become. Telling loved ones what is really on your mind, and telling others what you really think, is the foundation of love.

Pillar #3 Learning to Accept Both Good and Bad

Growth does not come without effort. Many skills must be learned and practiced in order to resolve issues of the good and the bad. Here are some.

• Pray

Besides confessing your sins, ask God to make you aware of things you may be ignoring. David prayed, “Search me, O God, and know my heart: try me, and know my thoughts: And see if there be any wicked way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting.” (Ps. 139:23–24).

Ask God to shine his light into your soul and reveal anything that you are unaware of. Then ask his forgiveness for it and confess it to other trusted Christian(s) as necessary.

• Rework the ideal

Much of the content of our ideal self is false; it is not what an ideal person would be. Check out what needs to be eliminated from your picture of what an ideal you would be. You may need to delete some ideals that come from your family or the culture, instead of from God.

• Rework distortions

Challenge your distorted views of God, yourself, and others. These strongly held beliefs don’t give way easily, but in new relationships, you can unlearn them. Study the Scriptures to see what they say about our ideal, our reality, and what God and salvation are really like.

• Monitor the relationship between the ideal and the real

Listen to the way you respond to the less than ideal. Do you deny it? Do you deny the good? Do you attack and judge? Do you accept and forgive? Many people are stunned to find out how much they attack themselves and others.

• Practice loving the less than ideal in others

Learning to accept badness and weakness in others brings healing in the split of the good and bad. Stay connected to others when they are less than ideal, and you will begin to value real relationship and stop demanding idealism. In this way, attachment increases, and your ability to love grows. The less than ideal begins to matter more than the ideal because you have a real relationship.

• Do not discard others when they are less than perfect

If you have had trouble with going from friend to friend, spouse to spouse, church to church, because you find some little flaw and make them all bad, work on staying in connection and working out the problem. Actively see the good as well as the bad, and love the whole person. Make reality your friend instead of your enemy.

• Process and value negative feelings

When you are committed to reality, to both the good and the bad, you will begin to see negative feelings as a part of life. If you fear them less, you can then process them as they arise and avoid all the problems listed in the last chapter. Most problems with negative feelings come from a fear about them. They really are not as bad as you fear they are. Negative feelings will not kill you, but avoiding them may.

• Expect badness and weakness from everyone

I’m not suggesting you turn into a pessimist. I’m saying, “Be a realist.” Everyone you know, including yourself, has good and bad, strengths and weaknesses. Therefore, expect to see them in action. When the faults come, embrace them and love them so that you can overcome your splitting of good and bad as well as feel closer to others.

Pillar #4 Learning to Become Mature Adults

Learning to become an adult is not an easy task. Perhaps becoming an adult while you’re already living in an adult body is even harder. But it is a necessary step to take to get out from under the authority of others.

Here are some of the skills you will need to become your own master under God, to become a mature adult.

• Reevaluate beliefs

We need to reevaluate what we believe. The time is past for “inherited beliefs”; it is time for an adult faith. We need to look into why we think what we think and why we believe what we believe. Is it because we really believe it, or because someone told us to believe it? We need to recognize what is a belief of “tradition” versus what is a real heartfelt conviction from God, his Word, and our own experience. This questioning period could last awhile. But, when we are through, we will have developed a mind of our own.

• Disagree with authority figures

Be honest about your disagreements with others. Most people have disagreements with authority figures, but they are afraid to admit to themselves how strongly they disagree. And they are afraid to voice their disagreements. If you are in a group where you are not free to have a different opinion on gray issues, be careful. Your group may have cult-like qualities.

• See parents and authority figures realistically

Knock parents and other authority figures off the pedestal you’ve put them on. See their weaknesses as well as their strengths. Look at the ways you disagree with what they believe and think. Since no two people agree on everything, search your life for anyone with whom you agree on everything, or who you think has it all together. You may be either unaware of how you disagree, or you may be a flatterer.

• Make your own decisions

If people in your life are telling you what to think, believe, do, or buy, start making those decisions yourself. You are an adult; learn to think and act for yourself. Who cares if someone disapproves of the purchase you make? It’s your money, and how you spend it is between you and God.

• Deal with your sexuality

If you are prudish or embarrassed by sex, your parents may still be looking down their nose at your sexuality, or at least that’s the way you are perceiving it. Work on reeducating yourself about the beauty of sex; desensitize yourself to the “no-no” attitude you have toward it. If you feel ashamed, you may still be in a preadolescent stage regarding sex.

• Recognize and pursue talents

To become an adult requires that you own and recognize the talents and gifts God has given you. You may be aware of some area that you are gifted in, and God has been telling you to develop it in some way, but you have been burying that talent in the ground.

• Practice

This is important to develop whatever skill and expertise you are considering. You can’t learn to be an authority and have expertise in an area if you don’t have the freedom to practice and learn. Give yourself permission to fail.

• Appreciate mystery and the unknown

One of the hallmarks of people with authority problems is their inability to tolerate mystery and the unknown. They need an answer for everything, and everything has to be wrapped up in neat little packages. Jesus kept trying to shake the Pharisees out of this rigidity.

In many ways God is “unsearchable” (Rom. 11:33–34). He is so awesome that the more we know him, the more we realize we don’t know. This is where worship begins. It is his very transcendence that we worship. Begin to appreciate the things that you cannot figure out about Him, and let them be. This is why we call him “God.” If you can know everything about him, then he is no longer God; you are. This is the most serious authority problem of all.

Worship his mystery. Get out of the black-and-white “we-have-all-the-answers” mentality that keeps God in a box. He is much greater than that.

Symptoms of Failing to Become an Adult 

(which are each explained in depth in the book)

• Inordinate need for approval
• Fear of disapproval
• Guilt
• Sexual struggles
• Fear of failure
• Need for permission
• "You can't do that" syndrome
• Feelings of inferiority
• Competitiveness
• Loss of power
• No equal differences
• Black-and-white thinking
• Judgementalism
• Anxiety attacks
• Impulsiveness and Inhibition
• Superiority
• Parenting other adults
• Hate/fear of authority figures
• Depression
• Dependency
• Idealization of authority
• Idealization of childhood

A few more thoughts~

1. Many of us have a problem confessing our sins to others.  We think it will show weakness or that people will judge us as less than perfect (above reproach!)  We want to be a "good witness" or a "good example", but truthfully the root of all of this is pride and self-righteousness.  A good witness would be one who witnesses how forgiving God is, not how perfect we are (this is often by our actions, not necessarily our words would say this).  He who is forgiven much, loveth much. (Luke 7:47)  We need to seek forgiveness in specifics, not generalities too, as this is easy to do.  It's much easier to confess light things like generalized anger, impatience, etc rather than the deepest darkest parts of our souls which become a cancer to our bodies, later coming out in psychological and physical problems instead.  
2. We need to recognize as adults that in Christ there are no step-up or step-down relationships.  We are all sinners in need of salvation, we are all level at the foot of the cross.  We are all easily led astray by the devil, the world and our own flesh, and we all need admonishment and encouragement from the body of believers (regular fellowship).  None of us are exempt from this, and none of us are above anyone else in the kingdom of God.  We are all peers, if we have the Holy Spirit.  Anytime we put ourselves above someone else, we become Pharisees.  Anytime we put ourselves below someone else, we don't recognize our intrinsic value that God made us in His own Image.
3. Difference of opinion/belief doesn't mean someone is right so the other person must be wrong.  We may both be right in different ways, and we can also both easily be wrong.  When we look for the wrong in others (to prove we are right), we end up creating barriers to love and forgiveness and grace.  If we are only looking for the wrong/badness, we are sure to find it!  This is called black-and-white thinking and it is very juvenile.  There are many shades of gray on just about every subject.

Whew! That's all folks!

Year end summary~ some of my favorite quotes and thoughts

Here's a few of my favorite quotes from the past year.  G. K. Chesterton has a ton of fabulous quotes, but these were two I saved recently.  Greg interpreted the first one far differently than I did, so take it as you will!  I'd love to read more of his books, but there's seems so little time to learn so much in life.  C. S. Lewis is another favorite that I could have found a bunch about, but I'm just leaving one.  Feels like my own "house" is being remodeled fairly heavily these last few years.

"Imagine yourself as a living house. God comes in to rebuild that house. At first, perhaps, you can understand what He is doing. He is getting the drains right and stopping the leaks in the roof and so on; you knew that those jobs needed doing and so you are not surprised. But presently He starts knocking the house about in a way that hurts abominably and does not seem to make any sense. What on earth is He up to? The explanation is that He is building quite a different house from the one you thought of - throwing out a new wing here, putting on an extra floor there, running up towers, making courtyards. You thought you were being made into a decent little cottage: but He is building a palace. He intends to come and live in it Himself."

~C.S. Lewis, Mere Christianity

This quote below is from a book called Openness Unhindered by Rosaria Champagne Butterfield.  This was an excellent book parsing out many difficult subjects in our world today, and how God's Word has power and authority, and she addresses these issues with understanding and compassion.  Highly recommend.  I had to read it in very small doses, as there was so much to absorb and mull over.

This one below has been a favorite for many years, from Elisabeth Elliot. Our journey of learning God's grace is a lifetime of surrendering our own will and way. It's often painful, yet beautiful.

I've heard this word boundary below the last few years, and I have to admit I still don't understand it very well.  This definition is the best that I can tell, and I really don't know how to actually apply it in life either.  But, I do understand from this definition that they are necessary for healthy relationships.  I'm going to need to learn this with my adult children soon (already starting!)  I've ordered the book called Boundaries from the library on it by Townsend and Cloud, so hopefully I'll get a better understanding how this all works.  I realize that muddy boundaries (or lack all together) lead to unhealthy relationships which leads to resentments and hurts on both sides.

 

These below are good reminders for me because one of the things I've been convicted of doing (all my life) when faced with someone struggling or suffering, is to try to help/fix by giving unsolicited advice.  Yup.  Lots of damage done, lots to repent of, lots of new habits to learn.

(note: there is a big difference between solicited advice and unsolicited advice).   

 

Codependency is the result of not having boundaries (of where our responsibility ends and another person's begins).  We take on other adults behaviors/problems/suffering as if somehow we are responsible for them.  We feel it's our duty to help, fix or solve their problems, and this has been a big problem for me.  When people tell me their problems, I feel the need to try to help them however clumsily that may be.  I do it mostly to reduce my own discomfort with sitting in pain, as it feels like it reduces it somehow (on my end anyways!) But, often they don't want help, they just want to vent or share their pain (and are actually asking for empathy or compassion).  Or they don't want help because they are already trying something themselves.  Or they are overwhelmed and can't try anything new.  Or they don't want my help because they know better than me about their own situation.  (surprise, surprise!) Or they think they do, who's to tell?!  I haven't known how to just listen and let it go (or that that was even a possibility).  Or listen and pray for them.  Or listen and offer compassion.   I've never learned how to just listen through the pain and discomfort while still recognizing that their life's situation is not my responsibility.  These qualities make for a good ER nurse but not a good friend.  This quote right below really hit home for me.  I don't know how many times I've offered solutions that weren't asked for, weren't reasonable, weren't wanted; due to my own discomfort with someone else's pain.

"If you think you have the solution, then you don't know enough about the problem." ~author unknown

When I'm tempted to "help" someone, I now remind myself of one or the other of these two quotes.  They somehow ease my need to get into business that isn't mine to solve.  And just listen with compassion instead.  It's baby steps though.  I still screw it up rather regularly.

I recently had a Bowen massage (I highly recommend any type of myofascial massage!) and the massage therapist is also an RN.  She and I were talking about some of these things, and she said, "the healthcare field is full of brown-nosing people seeking approval, it's a perfect breeding ground for do-gooding and getting approval for it."  Ouch.  But it's also true.  Many of us who ended up in the healthcare field feel this impulsive need to help people to avoid dealing with our own feelings of needing help ourselves.  Or wanting to measure up in some way.  Many other career choices also fit into this category.  Some of the best world changers are those who are wholly driven by an extreme fear of failure and need for approval in various ways.  She also said when parents heal, their children heal by 90%.  I don't have any info to prove this (haven't looked into it either), but even one healthy person in a relationship increases their vital energy (homeopathy) and makes the whole scenario a healthier environment to be around.  Good motivation!

Romans 12:14Bless them which persecute you: bless, and curse not. 15Rejoice with them that do rejoice, and weep with them that weep. 16Be of the same mind one toward another. Mind not high things, but condescend to men of low estate. Be not wise in your own conceits. 

These below are what I'm learning going forward from here.  It's hard, I'll admit.

I realize some of these probably need explaining, but take what you want from them, I'm mostly sharing them to remind myself some goals in moving forward from here.  Not sure really how to do this, but God is leading me day by day and opening my eyes as He sees fit.

Suffering

In the new year, the two words that have been on my heart to learn more about are suffering and compassion.  I'll let you know what I learn as I do.  To start with, this list below got me to thinking. It's from pastor Paul David Tripp, who has also written a book on suffering that I have in my stack but haven't read yet.  Often we want to ease our loved one's suffering (and rightly so), but in doing so we may also limit Christ working His good will in them.  So the question then is, why do we suffer in this life?  Here's his 4 answers

• We live in a fallen world of already/not yet which is not what God intended.  And that brokenness will enter our lives.

Romans 5:1-15

1 Therefore being justified by faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ:
2 By whom also we have access by faith into this grace wherein we stand, and rejoice in hope of the glory of God.
3 And not only so, but we glory in tribulations also: knowing that tribulation worketh patience;
4 And patience, experience; and experience, hope:
5 And hope maketh not ashamed; because the love of God is shed abroad in our hearts by the Holy Ghost which is given unto us.
6 For when we were yet without strength, in due time Christ died for the ungodly.
7 For scarcely for a righteous man will one die: yet peradventure for a good man some would even dare to die.
8 But God commendeth his love toward us, in that, while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us.
9 Much more then, being now justified by his blood, we shall be saved from wrath through him.
10 For if, when we were enemies, we were reconciled to God by the death of his Son, much more, being reconciled, we shall be saved by his life.
11 And not only so, but we also joy in God through our Lord Jesus Christ, by whom we have now received the atonement.
12 Wherefore, as by one man sin entered into the world, and death by sin; and so death passed upon all men, for that all have sinned:
13 (For until the law sin was in the world: but sin is not imputed when there is no law.
14 Nevertheless death reigned from Adam to Moses, even over them that had not sinned after the similitude of Adam's transgression, who is the figure of him that was to come.
15 But not as the offence, so also is the free gift. For if through the offence of one many be dead, much more the grace of God, and the gift by grace, which is by one man, Jesus Christ, hath abounded unto many.

• We suffer for the purpose of our spiritual growth, Peter says that He tests us, not as in a pass/fail, he means tempering us so that we are stronger and more beautiful (Christlike) and are more useable for the Kingdom.

1 Peter 1:5-9

5 Who are kept by the power of God through faith unto salvation ready to be revealed in the last time.
6 Wherein ye greatly rejoice, though now for a season, if need be, ye are in heaviness through manifold temptations:
7 That the trial of your faith, being much more precious than of gold that perisheth, though it be tried with fire, might be found unto praise and honour and glory at the appearing of Jesus Christ:
8 Whom having not seen, ye love; in whom, though now ye see him not, yet believing, ye rejoice with joy unspeakable and full of glory:
9 Receiving the end of your faith, even the salvation of your souls.

• We suffer because it qualifies us for ministry.   If we suffer for Your sake, we may give the same comfort that we have received.

2 Corinthians 1:3-7

3 Blessed be God, even the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies, and the God of all comfort;
4 Who comforteth us in all our tribulation, that we may be able to comfort them which are in any trouble, by the comfort wherewith we ourselves are comforted of God.
5 For as the sufferings of Christ abound in us, so our consolation also aboundeth by Christ.
6 And whether we be afflicted, it is for your consolation and salvation, which is effectual in the enduring of the same sufferings which we also suffer: or whether we be comforted, it is for your consolation and salvation.
7 And our hope of you is stedfast, knowing, that as ye are partakers of the sufferings, so shall ye be also of the consolation.

• And lastly we suffer because the world will reject us because of Christ-like living, for His sake.

Philippians 3:7-12

7 But what things were gain to me, those I counted loss for Christ.
8 Yea doubtless, and I count all things but loss for the excellency of the knowledge of Christ Jesus my Lord: for whom I have suffered the loss of all things, and do count them but dung, that I may win Christ,
9 And be found in him, not having mine own righteousness, which is of the law, but that which is through the faith of Christ, the righteousness which is of God by faith:
10 That I may know him, and the power of his resurrection, and the fellowship of his sufferings, being made conformable unto his death;
11 If by any means I might attain unto the resurrection of the dead.
12 Not as though I had already attained, either were already perfect: but I follow after, if that I may apprehend that for which also I am apprehended of Christ Jesus.

This means that suffering will be a part of a Christian's life.  What God is also doing is that He is using our suffering to deepen our desire for eternity.

Romans 8:17-18

17 And if children, then heirs; heirs of God, and joint-heirs with Christ; if so be that we suffer with him, that we may be also glorified together.
18 For I reckon that the sufferings of this present time are not worthy to be compared with the glory which shall be revealed in us.

Codependency Primer

I promised a post on codependency a while back, and kind of forgot about it.  Hopefully I can start blogging about more fun and interesting topics soon, as this stuff is pretty deep and heavy, although healing.  A big part of many dysfunctional relationships is a level of codependency or emotional enmeshment in them which leads to the problem being swept under the rug, ignored, excused, minimized or blamed.  I've read several books on codependency (Melodie Beattie is the author who coined the term back in the 80s) and instead of doing a whole book review, I'm just going to post some infographics on what it is (I love charts and graphs, being a visual person myself).  Melodie's books are from an AA standpoint which leans heavily on "your Higher Power" and such, so I had to sift pretty heavily through them for God's truth as we know it so although I don't recommend them, they are kind of the gold standard in calling it what it is.  These are both new words to me, so I'm just trying to explain them as best as I understand them.

This first chart should have been included in my post on communication, but somehow it got missed so I'm going to post it here.  Lots of good ideas for being a better listener.

  

Enmeshment is another word that goes right with codependency, and they are often one and the same.  "Enmeshment is a description of a relationship between two or more people in which personal boundaries are permeable and unclear. This often happens on an emotional level in which two people “feel” each other’s emotions, or when one person becomes emotionally escalated and the other family member does as well. A good example of this is when a teenage daughter gets anxious and depressed and her mom, in turn, gets anxious and depressed. When they are enmeshed the mom is not able to separate her emotional experience from that of her daughter even though they both may state that they have clear personal boundaries with each other. Enmeshment between a parent and child will often result in over involvement in each other’s lives so that it makes it hard for the child to become developmentally independent and responsible for her choices.

"The causes of enmeshment can vary. Sometimes there is an event or series of occurrences in a family’s history that necessitates a parent becoming protective in their child’s life, such as an illness, trauma, or significant social problems in elementary school. At this time the parent steps in to intervene. While this intervention may have been appropriate at the time, some parents get stuck using that same approach in new settings and become overly involved in the day to day interactions of their children.

"Other times, and perhaps more frequently, enmeshment occurs as a result of family patterns being passed down through the generations. It is a result of family and personal boundaries becoming more and more permeable, undifferentiated, and fluid. This may be because previous generations were loose in their personal boundaries and so it was learned by the next generation to do the same. Or it may be a conscious decision to stay away from family patterns of a previous generation that felt overly rigid in its personal boundaries.

The Other Relationship Extreme

"The opposite of enmeshment is disengagement, in which personal and relational boundaries are overly rigid and family members come and go without any apparent knowledge of what each other is going through. This can be just as problematic as enmeshment. In fact, in its extremes, disengagement can be more difficult to work with because it’s easier to teach an engaged relationship how to redirect some of their energy than it is to get a disengaged relationship to engage.

Balanced Relationships:

"A good relational balance involves family members recognizing that they have different emotions and can make independent decisions, while also recognizing that their decisions affect others. In these relationships, a parent can see that their daughter is upset and anxious and can even empathize with her, but this does not get the parent into an aroused emotional state in which they feel like they have to fix the emotion (or that which caused the emotion) of their daughter. They empathize and show nurturing concern for their daughter but allow her the emotional space to solve her own problems with their support.

Signs You May Need Help:

"Those in enmeshed relationships are often the last to see it. But with awareness, you can start to recognize some of the signs: If you cannot tell the difference between your own emotions and those of a person with whom you have a relationship.

• If you feel like you need to rescue someone from their emotions.
• If you feel like you need someone else to rescue you from your own emotions.
• If you and another person do not have any personal emotional time and space.

These symptoms indicate that your relationship might benefit from the help of a qualified family therapist."

(source)

Co-dependency is a learned behavior that can be passed down from one generation to another. It is an emotional and behavioral condition that affects an individual’s ability to have a healthy, mutually satisfying relationship. It is also known as “relationship addiction” because people with codependency often form or maintain relationships that are one-sided, emotionally destructive and/or abusive.

(source)

Here's some questions to ask yourself if you are codependent in (any) relationships.  It doesn't have to be all or nothing, often it's just certain one(s) {relationships and traits}

1. Do you keep quiet to avoid arguments?

2. Are you always worried about others’ opinions of you?
3. Have you ever lived with someone with an alcohol or drug problem or mental illness?
4. Have you ever lived with someone who hits or belittles you?
5. Are the opinions of others more important than your own?
6. Do you have difficulty adjusting to changes at work or home?
7. Do you feel rejected when significant others spend time with friends?
8. Do you doubt your ability to be who you want to be?
9. Are you uncomfortable expressing your true feelings to others?
10. Have you ever felt inadequate?
11. Do you feel like a “bad person” when you make a mistake?
12. Do you have difficulty taking compliments or gifts?
13. Do you feel humiliation when your child or spouse makes a mistake?
14. Do you think people in your life would go downhill without your constant efforts?
15. Do you frequently wish someone could help you get things done?
16. Do you have difficulty talking to people in authority, such as the police or your boss?
17. Are you confused about who you are or where you are going with your life?
18. Do you have trouble saying “no” when asked for help?
19. Do you have trouble asking for help?
20. Do you have so many things going at once that you can’t do justice to any of them?

Communication primer

Here's a few things I'm learning about communication.  Better late than never, I suppose.  I've seen many lacks in my own habits, and am trying to correct them as they are brought to my own attention.  Maybe they can help you learn something new too!

From Debra Felita's podcast called Secrets to Good Communication: The Art of Conversation, I learned about these walls of effective communication that we often have built in some way or another.  These hamper our ability to communicate effectively and can break down relationships.  Often they are learned young for our own protection from being hurt, but then we employ them long after they've served their purpose because we don't know any better.

• Isolation- we pull away to not be vulnerable, and don't feel comfortable expressing ourself
• Denial- fail to take responsibility in conflicts, quick to blame, defensive
• Withdrawl- run away from conflict, fight or flee
• Displacement- take our frustrations out on other people
• Invalidation- ignore acts or words of loved ones of value
• Fantasy- escape reality rather than deal with people
• Passive-aggression- avoid conflict then jab with low-blows, holding in anger until you explode
• Rage- flip out rather than sharing what is the root cause- hurt, frustration, stress
• Humor- can be used to avoid hard conversations and deflect pain

None of these above are based in truth.  They usually have hints of truth, but are not the whole truth.  We distort the truth to suit our perceived needs.

Next thing I've learned is the 4 horsemen of conflict that erode relationships from Dr. John Gottman.  (He's the guy who can predict marital success or failure by watching 5 minutes of interactions of conflict, by the way).  These can be used in any relationship, not just marriage.

1. Criticism- Criticizing your partner is different than offering a critique or voicing a complaint. The latter two are about specific issues, whereas the former is an ad hominem attack. It is an attack on your partner at the core of their character. In effect, you are dismantling their whole being when you criticize.
2. Contempt-  When we communicate in this state, we are truly mean—we treat others with disrespect, mock them with sarcasm, ridicule, call them names, and mimic or use body language such as eye-rolling or scoffing. The target of contempt is made to feel despised and worthless.  Contempt goes far beyond criticism. While criticism attacks your partner’s character, contempt assumes a position of moral superiority over them.
3. Defensiveness- It is typically a response to criticism. We’ve all been defensive, and this horseman is nearly omnipresent when relationships are on the rocks. When we feel unjustly accused, we fish for excuses and play the innocent victim so that our partner will back off.  Unfortunately, this strategy is almost never successful. Our excuses just tell our partner that we don’t take their concerns seriously and that we won’t take responsibility for our mistakes.
4. Stonewalling- The fourth horseman is stonewalling, which is usually a response to contempt. Stonewalling occurs when the listener withdraws from the interaction, shuts down, and simply stops responding to their partner. Rather than confronting the issues with their partner, people who stonewall can make evasive maneuvers such as tuning out, turning away, acting busy, or engaging in obsessive or distracting behaviors.

It takes time for the negativity created by the first three horsemen to become overwhelming enough that stonewalling becomes an understandable “out,” but when it does, it frequently becomes a bad habit. And unfortunately, stonewalling isn’t easy to stop. It is a result of feeling physiologically flooded, and when we stonewall, we may not even be in a physiological state where we can discuss things rationally.

The next here is a way that is healthy to handle conflict (acronym STABEN from The Instinct to Heal by Dr. David Servan-Schreiber).  I'm guilty of too much listening to other peoples venting that was unproductive and could/should be classified as gossip over the years.  And I still don't know where that line between verbally processing our feelings,  angry/frustrated venting, and plain old slander come in.  I feel like it's kind of a gray area that I need guidance on.  I'm also guilty of doing it myself as I sorted thoughts and tried to find solutions out loud.  I'm not sure what is classified as sin and what isn't on either side.  I've repented of the past sins, but it isn't always clear guidelines going forward.  Lots to learn still...

S for SOURCE--Make sure you are dealing with the person who is the source of the problem and has the means to solve it. Deal directly with that person versus complaining to someone else about the problem.  

T for TIME and PLACE--Make sure that the discussion takes place at a favorable time (both of you have had time to "cool down" and are in a calm place) and in a protected, private place where you can talk in peace and you can be sure the other person is fully available. 

A for AMICABLE APPROACH--Use a "soft start-up," sharing first what you most value and appreciate about the other before moving into the discussion about the problem. Then, speak from your heart, filtering everything you say through your heart. Speak the truth in the most kind, gentle, caring, and respectful way possible. Use "I" versus "You" statements (which invite defensiveness). Express your complaint without criticizing or assassinating the other's character. 

B for OBJECTIVE BEHAVIOR--Explain what upset you, referring to the actual behavior and what happened, without moral judgment. "When you did such and such" and that's it. Example: "When you showed up late for work." Avoid such statements as-- "When you were lazy this morning and slept in." E for EMOTION--After the description of the facts must come the emotions you experienced as a result of them. Example: "When you showed up late for work, I felt disappointed and "let down" because I wanted to be at my meeting on time and I couldn't leave the office until you arrived." Avoid saying, "I felt angry" which invites defensiveness and is an emotion expressed towards another versus an expression of an inner hurt. 

N for NEED--It is very helpful to conclude by expressing the need you have. Example: "I need security at work, to know that I won't be humiliated or wounded by caustic remarks, especially from someone as important as you." Or, "I need to feel connected to you, to feel that I matter to you, even when we are surrounded with friends." 

Based directly from this source: Servan-Schreiber, Dr. David, "Enhancing Emotional Communication," In Healing Without Freud or Prozac, p185-202.

From the same book, this is one way of how to listen with our hearts, focused especially if someone is suffering.  He is a doctor, helping other doctors listen to their patients better, but these principles are helpful for us all.  He did much work in war torn Kosovo where there were no simple answers, yet he offered hope using this unique way.  The acronym is BATHE, from The 15 minute Hour by Stuart M.R. and Lieberman J.A.

1. Background- To connect with someone, you must find out what happened to give them pain (physical or emotional).  This often means listening for 2 minutes without interruption.  The person will often go on much longer, as the essentials are not in the facts but in the feelings.
2. Affect- The important question here is "How does this affect you?" or "How does it make you feel?"
3. Trouble- This is the step we all want to avoid, but the most necessary one.  The one to dive down deep to the bottom is then what gets us back up to the top.  "And what troubles you the most?" It may seem discourteous or indecent when someone is suffering, but also is the magic that helps the person see for themself what to do when they are muddled by overwhelming emotions.  We tend to actually have the answers ourselves, we often just can't see them clearly, if at all.
4. Handling- After giving a voice to the emotions, then capitalize on the energy by asking, "And what helps you the most to handle this?"  That turns their attention from the problem to the solutions.  Even when we see people we love in their weakest moments, we must never underestimate their capacity to deal with the most difficult of circumstances.  We all are stronger and more resilient than we think.  Our role as bystander/family/friend is being present with them in their time of suffering, instead of offering a panoply of solutions and clumsily taking on their problems. 
   
5. Empathy- Part of the way we help our loved ones is by sending them off with the confidence that (a) someone cares about them, (b) they are not alone but have an ally in their struggle, and that (c) they are strong enough to carry on and handle what is ahead.  Pain can be like a big weight around our neck, and by talking to someone about it (and by them responding that they heard the pain in your voice), the path of pain will be decreased.

As I learn more myself, I can see how I've lacked through the years (Don't worry, I knew I was bad at communicating, I just didn't know how or what to do about it). I'm finding all these tools work better on new people, not those who I have years or decades of bad habits.  Setting new boundaries for healthier communication is harder than it sounds!  

It Didn't Start With You ~ book review

 

What can I say?   Just this.  This book was a tough one to read.  I had to dig deep, and I had to be honest with myself yet again.  These answers to my many questions have not come at all in the ways I've expected, that's for sure.  And they have come at just the right times too.  One thing that Debra Fileta says over and over on her podcasts, is that God gives us healing when He knows we're ready for it.  One layer at a time, not too many all at once.  I have to believe this is true, hard as it's been to muck through.  I often wonder if I have expected too much out of life, to have so many questions that I just didn't know what to do about.  Or if the seeking was intentional for my own healing in the right time.  I tend to lean towards the second.  Also, as our children get older, I see similar traits in them that may have been chalked up to "genetics" or perhaps to good/bad parenting, but truly may also be rooted in our past generations trauma and epigenetics (how our genes are turned off or on due to environmental factors).  This book was just what I needed to take the next step in healing.  I don't  necessarily like to use the word "trauma", for I feel it's never explained well, and it's far overused, but in this case I will.  My family has had some trauma in it.  So has yours. It's all different, it's all affected us, it's all being passed down to your children and mine.  That's just the way it is.

Exodus 34:7

“Keeping mercy for thousands, forgiving iniquity and transgression and sin, and that will by no means clear the guilty; visiting the iniquity of the fathers upon the children, and upon the children's children, unto the third and to the fourth generation.”

This is where I'm going to go today.  This book by Mark Wolynn is focused on healing the epigenetic changes our bodies have been programmed with due to trauma in prior generations.   He uses scientific information from Bruce Lipton in The Genie In Our Genes and also Norman Doidge's The Brain that Changes Itself and Rachel Yehuda who has extensively studied the Holocaust and it's affects on future generations.  Through this information the conclusion is that we tend to inherit the most trauma from our mother's mother's mother.  The reason for this is simple.  The egg cells that make us eventually, were already formed in our grandmother when she was in the womb of our great grandmother.  Men make new sperm continuously, so it affects the generation here and now, but the egg cells are 3 generational.  Pretty interesting, hey?!

"The emotional history you share with your family began even before you were conceived. When your grandmother was five months pregnant with your mother, the egg that will eventually become you was already present in your mother’s womb. That means you, your mother and your grandmother all shared the same biological environment. Whatever your grandmother experienced—her traumas, her sadness, her grief—can become your emotional inheritance."

The focus of this book is to turn our judgement towards our family into compassion.  To see your family's history as valuable instead of hurtful.  (We all tend to focus on what we didn't get in our childhoods, as a protection mechanism to prevent more hurt, but...we all have hurt from childhood.  No parent was perfect.  No parent can see the future.  Every parent is new on the job and doesn't know what to do in many situations).  There is never a hint of blame necessary here, but only healing from the traumas and hurts.  We may never repair our relationship with those who raised us, but we can view it differently; from a place of compassion, forgiveness and healing.  Even if they are now dead.  Even if your parents and grandparents never change from who they are today.  The changes will be in you instead.

So what trauma do I know about on this side of my family?  Well, here's a glimpse.

This is my great grandmother below with my Grandma Ada Smith Kurtti as a young girl.  Her name was Briita Charlotta Pell (then married name Smith, then Ofverberg).  She was a twin, whose mother died at her birth.  Her mother (Grandma Maaherra) did not die in childbirth, but died in the week following due to an infection caused by an inexperienced midwife.  (The experienced midwife that had delivered all the prior children was attending another birth at the time).  The twins got fanned out to family and to be nursed by various aunts and relatives.    Her father did remarry and have 3 more children by a stepmother (Grandma Niemi).  When Briita was 11, this stepmother died of typhoid along with her 18 year old sister Amanda.  Since she hadn't been a very nice stepmother, no one was really too sad when she died.  Their father then remarried again, this time to a lovely woman in her 40s (Grandma Ojala).  She treated the children very kindly, and all the combined children loved her.  At some point hereabouts, there was a prairie fire, and the whole family was out fighting it.  The littlest girl (4) was trying to help as well, and her dress got caught on a fence, and she was burned badly and subsequently died a week later from the burns.  It was devastating for all to lose their much loved baby sister.

Briita then grew up, and I don't know many details in these years, but just that she wasn't walking with the Lord as she had been raised with.  She moved to "the city" (Portland, OR) and somehow met and married Mr. Smith, who was a carnie who worked at Oaks Amusement Park.  He had been a former boxer and was from England and that's about all we knew about him.  They married when she was about 27, and then when Briita was 3 months pregnant with my grandma, he left her never to return.  She then returned home to the farm (Pendleton, OR), and stayed at an expectant mothers home until the baby was born.  There was a lovely motherly lady there that cared for her during her pregnancy, and my Grandma Ada was named after her.  Interestingly, another cousin of Grandma's had a similar fate and was named Ada after the same wonderful lady.  When Briita went back home with her new baby, her father (who was very concerned with the spiritual life of his children) said, "how can anything good come of this baby?!"  Little did he know that Grandma would be raised mostly by her Christian grandparents (as her single mother had to work) and who would help turn the hearts of that middle generation back to the Lord.

 

Briita eventually filed for divorce due to desertion (after the required 7 years) and remarried Mr. Ofverberg.  They never had any children, so Grandma was raised as an only child.  Mr. Ofverberg died by suicide (1946) many years later (he had severe chronic pain due to a logging injury), and my Grandma said his death was harder on her and her mother than even the deaths of Steve and Sara her children.  Grandma and Great Grandma were very close, and talked through his death for a good 2 years trying to grieve and seek healing.  My Great Grandma loved her 10 grandchildren dearly, and felt that she finally could love on them in a way that healed her after so much loss.  She lived with my Mom's family until her death from breast cancer in 1955 (my Mom was 5).

18Numbers 14:18 The LORD is longsuffering, and of great mercy, forgiving iniquity and transgression, and by no means clearing the guilty, visiting the iniquity of the fathers upon the children unto the third and fourth generation.

Grandma K, Grandma S (before she married my Grandpa S), Grandpa K, and I don't know who the rest are.

When I was talking to my aunt about some of the details listed above, it brought me to tears how much loss my Grandma and Great Grandma endured.  The feelings of lack of attachment when the first mother died, the replacement mean stepmother, losing both her older and younger sisters, the desertion/rejection/betrayal of husband/father, and an brother/uncle that also died (when my Grandma turned 5, they were having a birthday party for her, and her favorite uncle didn't show up.  They later found out he was in the hospital with tetanus, and he subsequently died of it), the death by suicide, the loss of 2 children tragically (Steve in the Vietnam War at age 23, Sara was hit by a car at age 3).  My Grandma also was 8 months pregnant with her 2nd child when Pearl Harbor was bombed.  My Grandpa had just been put in the hospital with TB for the first time (in Seattle, 4 hours away, and she had no car so couldn't see him).  She had to go live with her parents, and got a job at the Hockinson Chevron station while her parents watched the toddler and baby.  She then would go home on her breaks to nurse her baby.  He was hospitalized more times as well, and also had a hard time finding work due to his health history. I see now more clearly how this has shaped the fears and the resilience of my Mom's family.  It's not all bad, but it does shape us.  My Grandma K had told my Dad when he wanted to marry my Mom, "are you sure you want to marry into this family?  It's fraught with tragedy!"  It just was what it was in many ways.

In the book, he tells how each child is affected by the traumas differently, even though it seems that some are more affected than others.  Traits like self-awareness, ability to self-soothe, and ability to heal affect us all.  Birth order and gender play a big part as well.  We can reshape our thoughts which in turn reshape our genes, which alters the structure and health of our cells, which in turn reshapes our brain.  "We can't change our DNA, but we can change the way it functions, which is basically the same thing". (~Rachel Yehuda).

When we start uncovering details of our family's history, we can start to make sense of our own present emotions, memories and sensations.  We can then begin seeing them as the past, which means we don't have to live in them in the present.  It is easier to blame others in our relationships (when they don't understand where we're coming from), but often what we think is normal in our own family, really isn't.  It's often unhealthy coping mechanisms due to the aforementioned traumas that our ancestors endured.  But, if we really dig deep in our own family, that's where we can find healing through Christ.  He can turn ashes into beauty, as He did in many ways in my Grandma's family.  She has a legacy of faith and faithfulness, as well as many souls being saved in the process of suffering.  But, that doesn't mean it didn't come without a cost in emotional pain, and lack of healthy communication.

Any time we struggle with relationships, we need to look back and see if we've healed our own relationships with our parents.  He explains how these unhealed places spill out onto all our other relationships.  Our fears, our losses, our perceptions.  In the book he tells how to do this and why.  

This one below is one I struggle with.  I'm seeking it's root but haven't found it yet.  We never know what our parents or grandparents were going through emotionally in those early years of our life.  We only see a small glimmer of a picture "as through a glass darkly" as the Bible says.

To go with the last one....

How much of our behavior is shaped by our ancestors?  Answer: A lot.

Often how we judge each other, is in areas where we feel shame ourself.  Everything is deeper than we think.

How do we change patterns of behavior if we think it's normal because it's all we've ever known?!

Every family has pain.  Every child will have some needs not met.  Every family needs healing.

How have you not healed from some kind of grief?  Your parents?  How are your needs now based in that? 

Marriage hits this home.  Again and again.  Here's an article on how our relationships with our spouse is shaped by the relationship with our parents.

One of the main things he has you recognize in this book, is the common words or phrases that your family uses.  What words stick out, what words describe things, what words are meaningful to you.  Because words do matter and will give you hints on where you need to heal.  He asked a lot of questions in the book that help you delve more into this.  Be ready for some deep digging!

I've always struggled with this too...

And many of us can relate to this with whatever health issues we're facing...

Many times misunderstandings are at the root.  Working through these (owning our own!) is hard but so beneficial.  

The only person we can change is ourself.  And as we heal, so will our relationships.  He has a list of 21 things that erode intimacy with our spouses based on our childhood experiences.  He explains each one in detail in the book, and how it affects our current relationships.

1. You had a difficult relationship with your mother.
2. You reject, judge or blame a parent.
3. You are merged with the feelings of a parent.
4. You experienced an interruption in the early bond with your mother.
5. You took care of a parent's feelings.
6. Your parents were unhappy together.
7. Your parents didn't stay together.
8. Your parent or grandparent jilted a former partner.
9. Your mother's great love broke her heart.
10. Your father's great love broke his heart.
11. Your parent or grandparent remained alone (after being left or death).
12. Your parent or grandparent suffered in marriage.
13. Your parent was disparaged or disrespected by the other parent.
14. Your parent died young.
15. One of your parents mistreated the other.
16. You hurt a former partner.
17. You've had too many partners.
18. You've had an abortion or gave a child up for adoption.
19. You were your mother's confidant.
20. You were your father's favorite.
21. Someone in the family didn't marry.

There's so much more in the book on how to heal from all this, but here's a snapshot of quotes to get you started.  I'm still processing it all myself prayerfully working through the key words and phrases that came up for my family.