* Sorry this is so long, I didn't intend for it to be.
A few weeks ago, Elise and I ventured an hour and a half north for a weekend away by ourselves, but along with about 300 other women and girls (and lots of babies too). We went to an Above Rubies retreat. I've been reading their magazine for many years, and thought maybe it would be nice to hear Nancy Campbell speak, and the fact that her daughters were going to be at this one (Pearl and Serene from Trim Healthy Mama and Evangeline the oldest less known but more feisty daughter) sounded like a good one to make it to. I admire Nancy for her dedication to upholding families in this ungodly world, and am appreciative for her efforts against so many things that would draw us away from a Godly lifestyle. (I was also trying to get Levi less attached to me, so leaving him with Dad was part of the deal!) We knew a couple other ladies and their daughters going, so that made it more enjoyable and less nervous for me. There were cabins and lodges to stay in, and healthy meals 3x a day with no dishes or meal planning for me, so that was the real treat!
A few weeks ago, Elise and I ventured an hour and a half north for a weekend away by ourselves, but along with about 300 other women and girls (and lots of babies too). We went to an Above Rubies retreat. I've been reading their magazine for many years, and thought maybe it would be nice to hear Nancy Campbell speak, and the fact that her daughters were going to be at this one (Pearl and Serene from Trim Healthy Mama and Evangeline the oldest less known but more feisty daughter) sounded like a good one to make it to. I admire Nancy for her dedication to upholding families in this ungodly world, and am appreciative for her efforts against so many things that would draw us away from a Godly lifestyle. (I was also trying to get Levi less attached to me, so leaving him with Dad was part of the deal!) We knew a couple other ladies and their daughters going, so that made it more enjoyable and less nervous for me. There were cabins and lodges to stay in, and healthy meals 3x a day with no dishes or meal planning for me, so that was the real treat!
Onto the retreat...the first night Nancy spent most of the evening teaching about glory. The glory of our jobs as mothers, the glory of our homes, and of course the glory of the Lord in our lives. I've been pondering the word glory for the past month or so, so this was nice to hear more about it. She focused mainly on Greek translations for different Bible verses with the word "glory" in them, and helped translate the meaning better into how it applies to us in our lives. She talked about God wants to give us life abundant, not just "normal" or "status quo". I'm not sure how that whole process happens on its own, or how we make that happen by our choices yet. Somehow my life seems pretty plain and boring and normal!
When I looked up the word glory in the Webster's 1828 dictionary (my favorite dictionary), this is the list of definitions it gave. Yes, so much to learn about glory and how it is woven into a Christian's walk.
GLO'RY, noun [Latin gloria; planus; hence, bright, shining. glory then, is brightness, splendor. The Latin floreo, to blossom, to flower, to flourish, is probably of the same family.]
1. Brightness; luster; splendor.
For he received from God the Father honor and glory when there came such a voice to him from the excellent glory 2 Peter 1:3.
2. Splendor; magnificence.
Solomon, in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these. Matthew 6:2.
3. The circle of rays surrounding the head of a figure in painting.
4. Praise ascribed in adoration; honor.
Glory to God in the highest. Luke 2:9.
5. Honor; praise; fame; renown; celebrity.
6. The felicity of heaven prepared for the children of God; celestial bliss.
Thou shalt guide me with thy counsel, and afterwards receive me to glory. Psalms 73:24.
7. In scripture, the divine presence; or the ark, the manifestation of it.
The glory is departed from Israel. 1 Samuel 4:21.
8. The divine perfections or excellence.
The heavens declare the glory of God. Psalms 19:1.
9. Honorable representation of God. 1 Corinthians 11:8.
10. Distinguished honor or ornament; that which honors or makes renowned; that of which one may boast.
Babylon, the glory of kingdoms. Isaiah 13:19.
11. Pride; boastfulness; arrogance; as vain glory
12. Generous pride.
GLO'RY, verb intransitive [Latin glorior, from gloria.]
To exult with joy; to rejoice.
Glory ye in his holy name. Psa 105. 1 Chronicles 16:10.
1. To boast; to be proud of.
No one should glory in his prosperity.
She also talked of how we all have areas of barrenness in our life, and encouraged us to seek God's will to fill those areas. And a few more questions to ponder within ourselves over the weekend, as I jotted down in my notes.
*Is there any spiritual, emotional, physical barrenness of any sort in my life? (I wish I had more energy to enjoy my family each day but I don't)
*Do we continually pray for those areas to be filled with His direction? (No, I usually forget)
*What is our vision for motherhood? (Umm, raise healthy, God-fearing adults)
*Do we have one or are we just floating along? (Floating along, drowning many days)
*How do we fight for truth and guard against evil in our lives and homes? (Focus on Christ's promises and follow His leading)
*How guard against self-pity and victim mindset as mothers and wives? (Just keep plugging along)
*How do we glory in tribulation or hard times? (Focus on His promises again and again)
No great answers, hey? Just pretty normal stuff.
No great answers, hey? Just pretty normal stuff.
The rest of my notes focus on Saturday, which was on dwelling in our homes (being satisfied at home rather than running around all the time), being content as a resolve (not as a result of circumstance or feelings, but as a choice of making up one's mind), being merry-hearted to our husbands and children for the healing of our own minds and hearts and those of others.
*The home should be a place of wholeness and healing, not a place of strife or contention, so what changes need to be made to make it so?
*Is our countenance towards our family cheerful, exuberant, smiling?
*Do we teach our children to lay down their lives for their family and friends and ultimately our Savior, or are we promoting a selfish attitude?
*Is serving their Savior first and foremost in their lives? Mothers are the primary justice warriors in the nation, so it all starts at home. Change the world by changing your home first. Ask God daily for guidance how to reach your children's hearts for kindness and justice for all.
So, that is pretty much the sum of the retreat itself. The music was pretty generic praise songs, "I exalt Thee" and "You are worthy" type repetitions. They did a beautiful reading of the Apostles Creed and then also had Holy Communion (words read directly from the Bible) which were both very refreshing. Nancy prefers the KJV version, so she used that mostly throughout the retreat, which is familiar to us. If you're not a homeschooling mama of many, you'll likely feel out of place at her retreats, because she focuses on these aspects over and over, although she did emphasize the place of an older woman in sharing God's word and helping and encouraging the younger mothers. Also, if you didn't marry young and have lots of babies right away, you'll also likely feel like you're not doing God's will well enough.
I did purchase a couple of her books to work through when we got home, and that's where I started to question things. When I got home Sunday evening, I was inspired to make some changes in our home. The two changes I hoped to add mainly was to add more joy and happiness to our days, and to strive for an attitude of loving-kindness between us all. I explained this to the kids, and told how important this is in our home atmosphere. Pretty easy right? I wasn't even out of bed Monday morning when two children were fighting in the room outside my bedroom. When I asked them to stop, they ignored me. I flew out of bed very irritated, and grabbed the one child off the other one, and flung him back against the wall with more force than I knew I had. Yikes! What was going on? Where's the joy and peace, the grace and calm repose? Certainly not in me or my children or home! I simply can't do what I intend to do, that's for sure. I'm sure a failure at this mothering, patience, loving-kindness gig! She didn't mention anything about this in the conference. Now what? I grabbed both kids and held them close, and asked forgiveness, and prayed aloud for direction and peace. I prayed for God to lead us, and not to let our human flesh override our wisdom that we know to be true.
Romans 7:17-18(KJV) Now then it is no more I that do it, but sin that dwelleth in me. For I know that in me (that is, in my flesh,) dwelleth no good thing: for to will is present with me; but how to perform that which is good I find not.
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| Contents of The Power of Motherhood |
1 Peter 3:7 Likewise, ye husbands, dwell with them according to knowledge, giving honour unto the wife, as unto the weaker vessel, and as being heirs together of grace that your prayers be not hindered.
It doesn't matter if we prayerfully seek God's wisdom in our family size, if we don't "let the Lord determine our family size" it isn't good enough. I've read her book "Be Fruitful and Multiply" many years ago, and the promotion on fertility seems a bit over the top. The result of what I've seen is that the focus is so heavy on fertility, fertility, fertility that many women who aren't fertile (either through age or circumstance) feel useless and no good or broken. Nancy doesn't say this of course, but it is implied because of the heavy focus on having more babies. More babies, babies, babies even if you have serious health issues, are drowning in care of them, have mental illness or depression or whatever else may hinder your care of your children. Just keep having babies, the Lord will provide! Umm, no. Not always. Sometimes prayerful Godly wisdom and knowledge says otherwise, and we have freedom to choose otherwise. The other "blessings" that she states about large families has been the opposite of what I've seen. It isn't all unicorns and rainbows as she would imply. Lots of bitterness, heartache and strife as well. Lots of maternal depletion and illness from so many babies. Lots of wayward, unbelieving children, even with the best training and intentions. Lots of abuse, either physically, emotionally or sexually because the parents are to busy and/or frazzled to watch behaviors closely. There's no guarantee of success. I honestly feel in this area this verse below applies. She doesn't help all these families raise the children, so telling them to have more, have more, have more shouldn't be her domain. Encouraging is one thing, guilt is another.
Matthew 23:4 For they bind heavy burdens and grievous to be borne, and lay them on men's shoulders; but they themselves will not move them with one of their fingers.
Matthew 23:4 For they bind heavy burdens and grievous to be borne, and lay them on men's shoulders; but they themselves will not move them with one of their fingers.
Interestingly, a lot of the Christian mentality today seems to think that prior generations did no family planning. Not so. I had a great aunt once tell me that her (Christian) grandfather told her father when he was to be married, "You're a farmer, and you wouldn't breed a cow that isn't fully healthy, so you better take much better care of your wife." *wisdom* *knowledge* I also had another elder family member who felt overwhelmed with the number of children she had (after very difficult births and no family support, being an immigrant) who moved into another bedroom at that point and they lived that way for the rest of their life. Seek Godly wisdom from above and He'll lead you in this area as He does in all others. Imagine that?!
Her other devotions focus on character traits, which are good and Scriptural, but I didn't seem to be able to sort out the real guilt from the human induced guilt. It's definitely a good thing to challenge each other on our Spiritual walk, but if we are intentionally laying burdens on others, is that encouragement? The last devotion I read was on the word "resentment". This is the page on the right. All good, but I started searching my heart for resentment and didn't find any that needed dealing with, but was questioning it all day whether I really was finding any or if I just was denying the areas that I really was resentful about. Top this on top of the past several devotions with other words (unhurried, unmovable, untainted, undaunted, uncomplaining, unworried, etc.) that I was searching my heart for areas of guilt all day long and the burden got heavier and heavier. I couldn't tell anymore what was my own conscience, what was her guilt being heaped on me and what was my logical denial of guilt that I was trying to fight. It all became one big jumbled mess of failure, guilt and confusion in my heart and mind. There was no hope. No matter what I did, it wasn't good enough. No matter what I didn't do, there was no peace. After a couple weeks of doing this, I finally broke down. In church, our Pastor talked in his sermon about submitting to God's will in all areas, and I lost it. I had no idea what God's will was anymore. What was God's will, my will or someone else's will upon my life? I had no idea anymore! |
| I had no joy, no free spirit, for whatever reason. |
When I got home I crumbled. I cried and cried. I couldn't sort out what was the root of my struggles, nor was there any hope for the future. I blubbered many of these fears to my husband, who didn't have any answers either, but prayed over me for calm and peace and wisdom. (If you know me, I'm not the type to cry over much. Maybe 5 minutes per year would be an average. This was totally out of the norm for me.)
Monday morning I awoke and did my normal routine and read my devotion. And then I read a page in another devotion called GraceLaced I've been reading too and I had my answer. Nancy's books had no grace. No forgiveness, no room for failure. Just raising the bar higher and higher by our own dedication and efforts. Keep pressing for perfection, and if you aren't doing it well enough, you must not be trying hard enough. If your children aren't saved, it's your fault. If they are, then it's to your credit. Works, works, works. It's all dependent on you as a mother and wife. She doesn't ever say this, but she doesn't ever mention grace, forgiveness or resting in God's promises. It's just do more, be more, expect more.
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| GraceLaced devotion for the same day. |
Even at the retreat the lady in charge was selling t-shirts that said "God is within her, she shall not fail". Every time I would see someone wearing one, I felt like I could never wear that shirt. I fail every day. Many times each day. Fail, fail, fail. And I need grace, grace, grace. Do I totally miss the point of this? Where have I gone wrong, if I'm failing so miserably? Do you see how a Bible translation changes the meaning of a verse too? This is where the quote came from:
Psalm 46:5 (KJV) God is in the midst of her; she shall not be moved:
Psalm 46:5(NIV) God is within her, she will not fall;
(They changed the word fall to fail on the shirts, or else I have no idea which version of the Bible they were using. This verse is also talking about a city not a woman. Totally inappropriate use of context! "Failing" and "not being moved" (solid foundation) mean totally different things in our journey. Sigh.)
The truth of it all was my chrysalis moment. It was where I emerged from under the weight of guilt and realized that I was feeling heavy from burdens that aren't mine to bear. The guilt I was feeling was all induced and not real. I can walk by faith, trusting that the Holy Spirit will lead me each day, and not the teaching of man (even with their gazillion Bible verses, some in context, others not). I have the Holy Spirit in me, so why would He not be leading me already? Why do I need someone new telling me what to do and not do? Has my life until now been a total failure (as I felt after reading these books) because I'm not as "enlightened" as she is? No! No, no and no! I'm a child of a King too, and He's been leading me all along. Some of my choices and life situations are different than hers and that's okay!
When I used to live in Arizona, I listened to a radio program by a Dr. Randy Carlson about Christian living. It was always very encouraging, whatever the topic. But then as time went on, his show changed to more and more "intentional living". I see that now his website has actually been changed to that title. How sad. Has the Christian walk changed so much that we do it all for success? Why do we even need Christ anymore if we just live "intentionally"? Has the church stooped to the level of corporate America for it's template of success? What happens when we do everything "right" and we still fail? What then? Is it our fault? What a house of cards it would be if we were responsible for our children's futures, their spouse choices, their careers, their leading instead of letting God do the work. Since He knows better than us, He'll give us and our children wisdom as needed along the way. That's what faith is. Faith isn't a formula given by some man's interpretations. Faith is making choices day by day, prayerfully seeking God's wisdom. Intentional living doesn't need faith. It's got it all figured out already!
When I used to live in Arizona, I listened to a radio program by a Dr. Randy Carlson about Christian living. It was always very encouraging, whatever the topic. But then as time went on, his show changed to more and more "intentional living". I see that now his website has actually been changed to that title. How sad. Has the Christian walk changed so much that we do it all for success? Why do we even need Christ anymore if we just live "intentionally"? Has the church stooped to the level of corporate America for it's template of success? What happens when we do everything "right" and we still fail? What then? Is it our fault? What a house of cards it would be if we were responsible for our children's futures, their spouse choices, their careers, their leading instead of letting God do the work. Since He knows better than us, He'll give us and our children wisdom as needed along the way. That's what faith is. Faith isn't a formula given by some man's interpretations. Faith is making choices day by day, prayerfully seeking God's wisdom. Intentional living doesn't need faith. It's got it all figured out already!
Anyhow, in summary, I guess I wonder why I took it all so personally and wasn't able to sort out the wheat from the chaff very well. I read plenty of books where I just grab a few snippets of truth and let the rest pass by. Maybe I tried to do it of my own works and didn't let God lead me. Maybe I just was trying to do to much, too fast. Maybe I'll be able to read her books again at some point in the future without the same feelings. Maybe it's just a good thing I came the full circle that I did, so that I can keep doing what I'm doing and not be praising her for my successes and giving "man" the credit rather than God. I don't know. I just know that once I stopped reading her books, I've had this incredible peace in my mind and my heart. Knowing that God doesn't measure me by my good wife-ing or mothering, but only by faith in His Son, Jesus Christ, who died to save me from my sins (all those many, many sins).
Matthew 11:29-30Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart: and ye shall find rest unto your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.
Matthew 11:29-30Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart: and ye shall find rest unto your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.
“When I thought God was hard, I found it easy to sin; but when I found God so kind, so good, so overflowing with compassion, I beat my breast to think I could ever have rebelled against One who loved me so and sought my good.” ~Charles Spurgeon
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| GraceLaced deovtion on freedom |
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| Sample page of The Power of Motherhood |
