This whole purity thing

As our oldest is now a teenager, I've been pondering how to teach him about God's plan for attraction and marriage.  How to teach discernment in this area for a one-day healthy marriage, preferably without guilt or regret or a bad marriage partner for any of our children. 

When I look back on my own life, I can't really remember what my parents taught us, but I feel like it served us well.  I don't remember my mom telling us anything specific (although she did talk to us openly about it all through the years), but I do remember my dad telling me how my value was in Christ and to always keep that at the forefront.  Not any "rules", just grace and lots of discussion.

As usual, I perused our library for books about the subject, and came across two that address the issue from different angles.  I know there is far more information out there, but after reading an article online about the damages of the "Purity Culture", it got me to wondering about what it actually teaches.  I read "I Kissed Dating Goodbye" back in the day.  But I don't feel it influenced me in the way it might have if I had been younger (a teen).  I was 22 when it came out, and I don't recall whether I read it then or a few years later.  What it did do was give me the confidence to remain happily single either for life or until I met someone suitable for marriage (that actually might want to marry me).  I didn't feel so pressured to be married, although there was a whole 'nother culture telling me I needed to be married and having multiple babies or I wasn't being a good enough Christian.  Darned if I did, darned if I didn't.  But, God gave me peace during those years.  Steeped in either culture wasn't where He wanted me.  He wanted me faithful in what He put in front of me each day.  (Psalm 16:5 The Lord is the portion of mine inheritance and of my cup: thou maintainest my lot.)  My job, my family, my roommates.  Learning lots grace and mercy, more and more each day.  I tell people now that the best thing for my marriage was dealing with all the various (18) roommates and various (18) jobs I had before I was married.  Lots of dying to self, forgiving and being flexible needed during those years.  I can't even count the amount of co-workers, patients and clients/customers I dealt with either.  And trust me, none of my ER patients were happy to be in my care.  They were mostly very fearful, in severe pain, or sick and weak or lonely too.  Dealing with them took lots of grace and mercy!

The problem with any books or rules, is that we can substitute them for Biblical discernment, which is really what we need to teach our children.  When we know our value in Christ, and we treat others with that same respect, we don't really need all these rules.   Rules are made out of fear.  Guidelines are typically made out of personal experience (for good and for bad).  

The first book was called "The Scarlet Virgins" (when sex replaces salvation).  This was written by a woman who was taught the purity culture, and now recognizes the flaws in the teachings although the inherent motive was good initially.  The intent was to keep their children "pure" until marriage, but true purity comes from Christ shedding His blood for us, not from keeping a list of rules.  The purity culture damages both men's and women's self-image, because it focuses on do's and don'ts rather than on focusing on Christ's redeeming work in our hearts.  If we follow a set of rules, then why do we even need the Holy Spirit?  The purity culture would tell people that God's forgiveness isn't enough for sexual sin, just the other sins.  Sexual sin will ruin your life.  Avoiding it premaritally will guarantee a successful marriage.  Both lies based on fear.  The words "tainted goods" or "used up" are commonly used to describe "going too far" (physically).  In this book she talks of how Christian women are supposed to go from "virgin to vixen" overnight (the wedding night, of course).  The purity culture teaches this in a disturbed way that makes people feel like once they aren't virgins anymore, then their value is diminished, even though God ordained marriage and all that goes along with it.  She also talks about how in this culture, people often feel obligated to marry the first person they date/court, or else they are won't be pure (even in thought, not necessarily even in deed) for their spouse.

"And yet at its core, purity culture presumes that giving and receiving love breaks you instead of builds you.  It uses fear to mask our bodies and needs, and there are generations of women and men walking around crippled in America because of it."
(I Kissed Dating Goodbye and I still have a stain on my heart)

"This culture tells women that their bodies aren't really theirs; bodies are only bargaining chips, which can be devalued like a new car driven off the lot.  Women aren't inherently valuable, the thinking goes, except so long as we have untouched vaginas to give our husbands (because our partners are always husbands).  Virginity trumps intelligence, humor and compassion.  The notion that both partners might benefit from having dated around, experimented, and figured out what they enjoy and want from a healthy relationship?  It doesn't even register."
(Purity Culture shames survivors of sexual assault)

"I wonder if this purity culture has taken over because most of us are scared to contradict it.  It's the purity movement that we see on shows like The Duggars and so much Christian media.  And if we dare to say, "I don't mind if my adult kids hang out at each other's homes unchaperoned" or "I kissed my husband before our wedding and I'm glad I did!" or "I don't think wearing fashionable jeans is a sin!", we feel like we're somehow LESS Christian, because those with firmer rules always look more Christian."
(10 Things That Scare Me About the Purity Culture)

Now to the other side of things~

The damages of sexual sin and the bombardment of the whole worldly culture of Hollywood and the media on a single Christian woman (or man).  This is what the purity culture is trying to avoid, but the pendulum has swung too far the other way in many cases.  This book is called "Sex and the Single Christian Girl".  She talks about how Christ redeems that which is broken, and makes all things beautiful in His time when we follow His will.  

This summary on Amazon is pretty accurate.

"     "True love waits"--but what exactly are you waiting for? After all, we're constantly bombarded with Hollywood's idea of romance--that sex is no big deal, that everyone is doing it, that it's the only path to a happy ending. Maybe you've even begun to wonder, What am I missing? Is the wait really worth it? 

        Marian Jordan Ellis has been there. She knows the pitfalls of giving in to temptation--but also the blessings of God's best found in waiting after she committed herself to Christ and to sexual purity. Now, from one Christian woman to another, she hopes to spare you from the heartache of sexual sin and instead point you toward God's best. Marian offers lots of practical advice, backed by biblical truth, to equip you with the tools to overcome past mistakes and future temptations.

     You are cherished. Whether you are happily single, casually dating, or have found "the one," your purity is worth fighting for.

     "Marian Jordan Ellis befriends all women in their quest to honor God with their bodies, calling them to settle for no less than being cherished, rousing them to live a courageous lifestyle, and pointing them to dependence on the Holy Spirit instead of reliance on self."--Gary Thomas, author of Sacred Marriage and The Sacred Search"

She talks about how purity is a state of heart, not a state of virginity or not.  How instead of focusing on keeping ourselves "pure" for our future husbands, we should be keeping them pure to offer our bodies (and minds and hearts) to Christ to bring glory to His name (not our own pride or perfectness).

Philippians 3:7-12(KJV)

7 But what things were gain to me, those I counted loss for Christ.

8 Yea doubtless, and I count all things but loss for the excellency of the knowledge of Christ Jesus my Lord: for whom I have suffered the loss of all things, and do count them but dung, that I may win Christ,

9 And be found in him, not having mine own righteousness, which is of the law, but that which is through the faith of Christ, the righteousness which is of God by faith:

10 That I may know him, and the power of his resurrection, and the fellowship of his sufferings, being made conformable unto his death;

11 If by any means I might attain unto the resurrection of the dead.

12 Not as though I had already attained, either were already perfect: but I follow after, if that I may apprehend that for which also I am apprehended of Christ Jesus.

She talks also about having many rules of "purity".  Yet rules without vision can often be broken or bent (or if kept, lead to human pride, which is just as sinful and damaging).  A vision asks "why".  A vision carries us much farther and with much less damage than rules do.  It puts grace and mercy into the mix, and allows Christ to work in our hearts, not just self will.

She calls the world we live in a "rom-com" world.  (rom-com=romantic comedies)  One in which the ideal man is portrayed in romantic comedies (and I'll add most romance Christian novels).  He's the man who is sensitive, verbose, and of course drop-dead gorgeous. He does all the right things, and never has to ask his lady what she wants, because he just knows.  He has lots of money and material goods, but rarely has to work (or if he does, he still has the time to bring roses, pack a picnic, cook dinner and all those other romantic things).  Watching these movies (on girls night of course!) or reading these books may escape us from our daily life for hours at a time, and only leads us to disappointment in our real life because none of the men in our life (single or dating or married) can live up to these fantasies.  We begin to look down on the real honest-to-goodness men in our lives, hoping for this fantasy to become reality.  Unfortunately, real life is full of sinners.  You and me.  Relationships are hard.  Communication is hard.  Being real with our loved ones is hard, not easy (as is portrayed in books and movies).  It's being vulnerable.  It's acknowledging and telling your sins and struggles and weaknesses to your loved ones.  And it's messy.  Real, real messy.  And then it's glorious. 

(If you want to read more on Marian's blog it is called Redeemed Girl Ministries)

My friend Jess Connell says in her blog "Christian Wife, Let Your Husbands Be" in terms of unrealistic expectations of our men~

I’m talking about wives with normal human husbands who sometimes sin, sometimes hurt their feelings, sometimes do things they don’t like, are sometimes a little too passive or a little too gruff, and are sometimes disagreeable or frustrating.

Sometimes I want to take young and old wives alike, grab em by the neck and say,

“Discontented woman, stop griping. Stop attacking him and tearing him down! Stop correcting him in front of other people. Stop telling everyone all his faults. He’s carrying the weight of the world on his shoulders each day. Celebrate him!

BE THANKFUL FOR THE MAN YOU HAVE.”

Because many women who gripe the loudest actually have this sort of husband:

• He is faithful.
• He is hard-working.
• He serves, in his own way.
• He smiles at you when you smile at him.
• He carries the weight of your family on his shoulders.
• He wakes up each morning and goes to work.

He IS NOT PERFECT… no man is… but by golly, what does it say about us when we can’t we be thankful for what we have?

Either extreme of teaching leads to heartache and disappointment, hey?!  The only answer is to search the Bible ourselves instead of listening to various interpretations of doctrine, listen to the Holy Spirit and trust your own and your child's discernment.  Repent of sinfulness or pride (flip sides of the same coin)  And just trust...that's a hard thing too isn't it?!

Book Review- Kisses from Katie, Daring to Hope

     God often gives us just what we need at just the right time, doesn't He?  He knows our needs so much better than we know ourselves, and uses various ways to reach out to our longings, our needs and our deep questions.

      A few months ago, a couple friends from church were having a garage sale that we went to, and as I was looking through the stack of books there, my friend Linda handed me a book off the table and said, "take this one, you'll love it!"  Since I usually geekily am reading health and nutrition books, I didn't think much of it, but took it anyways.  I didn't start reading right away, but then after a few weeks, I dug in.  Wow, she was right.  It was just what I needed right then.  It offered hope, encouragement, peace, and trust as Katie shared the story of her life.  Here in the US, and then of her adventures as a missionary in Uganda.  I won't go into the whole story, but just will share a few quotes that I gleaned from it.  Even though her life is very different from our life here, the basic tenets are the same~ loving those in front of us right now, sharing the gospel, meeting their physical needs as best we can.  (If you can't read the quotes, click on each quote and they should enlarge.)

     Of course, I couldn't wait to read the second book, written 10 years later.  To see what happens next.  After waiting an excruciating 2 weeks to get it on order from the library, I dug in.  And, I would dare to say it was even better than the first.  To see the maturity as she grew in the Lord, her even harder challenges she handled with grace, and her encouragement to be willing to go through the hard times knowing that the Lord is on our side, continually shaping us into the likeness of His Son.  To learn to dare to love again and again, especially when we've been hurt so deeply.  To keep on loving unconditionally through the hard places where we would rather not go, because that's what Jesus does for us.  He loves us when we're unlovable, when we're broken, scared and alone.  And that's what he wants for us to know and share with those who are also broken, scared and alone.

   What about when our stories don't end up the way we want them to?  Is God still faithful?  She encourages us to pray for us to have God's eyes for those around us. "Father, give me Your love for them.  Give me your eyes for this man, this woman, this child.  Show me how You see each one."  It doesn't always happen overnight, but over time we learn how to do this.  She also tells how loving people is a bit of a mess.  We share their joys, but we also share their pain.  This is where the Gospel rubber meets the road.  Are we willing to go to the hard places with those we love?  Do we really know who Christ is, or do we only have lip service of Him?  Did Jesus ever turn people away because they hurt him?  Or refuse to heal them because they were too dirty/unclean/sinful?  Even though He knew they would get sick and dirty again, He still took care to show His love and healing.  The Bible tells us that Jesus was "moved with compassion" (Matt 9:36).  Can we also feel this way with the hurting?  Yes, we can but it's much harder than loving those who are more lovable.

     Jesus feels our pain and walks with us through those hard places.  He weeps with us and rejoices with us.  Katie tells here how when Lazarus died, Jesus still wept with Mary and Martha even though He knew what He was going to do to raise Lazarus back up.  Doesn't He still do that with us, even though He knows the end of the story?  Whether it turns out "good" or it doesn't?  

     Throughout the book, it's our faithfulness in all the small events of each day in our normal, old lives that teach of us God's faithfulness towards us.  He wants us to trust Him in each little detail of our lives, in order that He might show forth His faithfulness and fulfill His promises of making us more Christ-like and walking closer to Him.  The more we rely on Him, the closer we are drawn to Him.

Read more at:

https://katiemajors.blog/

When Mercy Goes to Work

One of my favorite things I enjoy as a homeschool mama is to sit on the couch and read books with my kids as we cuddle (the other top one is going on walks with them).  We try to do this every day, as a way to connect, but also learn and grow together.  I start with board books for the toddlers, and we work up to chapter books for the older kids while the little kids play quietly (or try to!) on the floor nearby.   

Last winter one of the books we read was called Created For Work, written by a man who lives nearby in Oregon.  The book is focused on teaching children to look at work as a privilege not a drudgery.  We all enjoyed the stories he told, but I especially enjoyed the chapter on mercy.  I have to say that I never really understood mercy very well, until I read this book.  

Above Rubies retreat synopsis~

* Sorry this is so long, I didn't intend for it to be.

A few weeks ago, Elise and I ventured an hour and a half north for a weekend away by ourselves, but along with about 300 other women and girls (and lots of babies too).  We went to an Above Rubies retreat.  I've been reading their magazine for many years, and thought maybe it would be nice to hear Nancy Campbell speak, and the fact that her daughters were going to be at this one (Pearl and Serene from Trim Healthy Mama and Evangeline the oldest less known but more feisty daughter) sounded like a good one to make it to.  I admire Nancy for her dedication to upholding families in this ungodly world, and am appreciative for her efforts against so many things that would draw us away from a Godly lifestyle. (I was also trying to get Levi less attached to me, so leaving him with Dad was part of the deal!)  We knew a couple other ladies and their daughters going, so that made it more enjoyable and less nervous for me.  There were cabins and lodges to stay in, and healthy meals 3x a day with no dishes or meal planning for me, so that was the real treat!

Onto the retreat...the first night Nancy spent most of the evening teaching about glory.  The glory of our jobs as mothers, the glory of our homes, and of course the glory of the Lord in our lives.  I've been pondering the word glory for the past month or so, so this was nice to hear more about it.  She focused mainly on Greek translations for different Bible verses with the word "glory" in them, and helped translate the meaning better into how it applies to us in our lives. She talked about God wants to give us life abundant, not just "normal" or "status quo".  I'm not sure how that whole process happens on its own, or how we make that happen by our choices yet.  Somehow my life seems pretty plain and boring and normal!

When I looked up the word glory in the Webster's 1828 dictionary (my favorite dictionary), this is the list of definitions it gave.  Yes, so much to learn about glory and how it is woven into a Christian's walk.

GLO'RY, noun [Latin gloria; planus; hence, bright, shining. glory then, is brightness, splendor. The Latin floreo, to blossom, to flower, to flourish, is probably of the same family.]

1. Brightness; luster; splendor.

For he received from God the Father honor and glory when there came such a voice to him from the excellent glory  2 Peter 1:3.

2. Splendor; magnificence.

Solomon, in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these. Matthew 6:2.

3. The circle of rays surrounding the head of a figure in painting.

4. Praise ascribed in adoration; honor.

Glory to God in the highest. Luke 2:9.

5. Honor; praise; fame; renown; celebrity. 

6. The felicity of heaven prepared for the children of God; celestial bliss.

Thou shalt guide me with thy counsel, and afterwards receive me to glory.  Psalms 73:24.

7. In scripture, the divine presence; or the ark, the manifestation of it.

The glory is departed from Israel. 1 Samuel 4:21.

8. The divine perfections or excellence.

The heavens declare the glory of God. Psalms 19:1.

9. Honorable representation of God. 1 Corinthians 11:8.

10. Distinguished honor or ornament; that which honors or makes renowned; that of which one may boast.

Babylon, the glory of kingdoms. Isaiah 13:19.

11. Pride; boastfulness; arrogance; as vain glory

12. Generous pride.

GLO'RY, verb intransitive [Latin glorior, from gloria.]

To exult with joy; to rejoice.

Glory ye in his holy name. Psa 105. 1 Chronicles 16:10.

1. To boast; to be proud of.

No one should glory in his prosperity.

She also talked of how we all have areas of barrenness in our life, and encouraged us to seek God's will to fill those areas.  And a few more questions to ponder within ourselves over the weekend, as I jotted down in my notes.

*Is there any spiritual, emotional, physical barrenness of any sort in my life? (I wish I had more energy to enjoy my family each day but I don't)

*Do we continually pray for those areas to be filled with His direction?  (No, I usually forget)

*What is our vision for motherhood? (Umm, raise healthy, God-fearing adults)

*Do we have one or are we just floating along?  (Floating along, drowning many days)

*How do we fight for truth and guard against evil in our lives and homes? (Focus on Christ's promises and follow His leading)

*How guard against self-pity and victim mindset as mothers and wives? (Just keep plugging along)

*How do we glory in tribulation or hard times? (Focus on His promises again and again)

No great answers, hey?  Just pretty normal stuff.

The rest of my notes focus on Saturday, which was on dwelling in our homes (being satisfied at home rather than running around all the time), being content as a resolve (not as a result of circumstance or feelings, but as a choice of making up one's mind), being merry-hearted to our husbands and children for the healing of our own minds and hearts and those of others.  

*The home should be a place of wholeness and healing, not a place of strife or contention, so what changes need to be made to make it so?  

*Is our countenance towards our family cheerful, exuberant, smiling?  

*Do we teach our children to lay down their lives for their family and friends and ultimately our Savior, or are we promoting a selfish attitude?  

*Is serving their Savior first and foremost in their lives?  Mothers are the primary justice warriors in the nation, so it all starts at home.  Change the world by changing your home first.  Ask God daily for guidance how to reach your children's hearts for kindness and justice for all.

So, that is pretty much the sum of the retreat itself.  The music was pretty generic praise songs, "I exalt Thee" and "You are worthy" type repetitions.  They did a beautiful reading of the Apostles Creed and then also had Holy Communion (words read directly from the Bible) which were both very refreshing.  Nancy prefers the KJV version, so she used that mostly throughout the retreat, which is familiar to us.  If you're not a homeschooling mama of many, you'll likely feel out of place at her retreats, because she focuses on these aspects over and over, although she did emphasize the place of an older woman in sharing God's word and helping and encouraging the younger mothers.  Also, if you didn't marry young and have lots of babies right away, you'll also likely feel like you're not doing God's will well enough.

I did purchase a couple of her books to work through when we got home, and that's where I started to question things.  When I got home Sunday evening, I was inspired to make some changes in our home.  The two changes I hoped to add mainly was to add more joy and happiness to our days, and to strive for an attitude of loving-kindness between us all.  I explained this to the kids, and told how important this is in our home atmosphere.  Pretty easy right?  I wasn't even out of bed Monday morning when two children were fighting in the room outside my bedroom.  When I asked them to stop, they ignored me.  I flew out of bed very irritated, and grabbed the one child off the other one, and flung him back against the wall with more force than I knew I had.  Yikes!  What was going on?  Where's the joy and peace, the grace and calm repose?  Certainly not in me or my children or home!  I simply can't do what I intend to do, that's for sure.  I'm sure a failure at this mothering, patience, loving-kindness gig!  She didn't mention anything about this in the conference.  Now what?  I grabbed both kids and held them close, and asked forgiveness, and prayed aloud for direction and peace.  I prayed for God to lead us, and not to let our human flesh override our wisdom that we know to be true.

Romans 7:17-18(KJV)  Now then it is no more I that do it, but sin that dwelleth in me. For I know that in me (that is, in my flesh,) dwelleth no good thing: for to will is present with me; but how to perform that which is good I find not.

Contents of The Power of Motherhood

As I started reading her books (The Power of Motherhood, Daily Light on the Daily Path KJV and 100 Days of Blessing), I was hoping for her to teach about days like I was having.  Her teaching is called "encouragement", but I started to feel more and more guilt.  Guilt for one thing on top of another.  Guilt because I can't measure up to the perfect mother status (see list of contents on the left of the huge responsibility it is to raise children "correctly").  Guilt because I can't exercise as much as I should (when I tried to lose some weight over these past few weeks, I gained it instead).  Guilt because I don't eat THM for a perfect figure (I've tried it and couldn't make it work in our life).  Have her daughter's actually ever struggled with their weight?  I doubt it.  Guilt because my kids fight, I don't teach them God's word at every quiet meal and moment, guilt because I haven't "given my womb to the Lord", guilt because I don't have a huge garden and endless energy to make as nutritious meals as I should, guilt, guilt, guilt.  It doesn't matter all the things I do do as a wife and mother, in reading her books none of those were good enough, I need to be intentionally striving for better.  If my husband isn't doing devotions twice a day with our family, he's a failure and shirking his duties.  Doesn't matter if he's at work for 3 hours before we even eat breakfast, or that he's completely frazzled from numbers, noise, job stress by the time we eat supper, he needs to be doing those devotions or our children will go straight to hell and it'll be our fault.  The devotion Daily Light book is the only one I've kept reading, because it's straight from the Bible.  But, we forget to read it more often than we remember.  Oh, well.

1 Peter 3:7 Likewise, ye husbands, dwell with them according to knowledge, giving honour unto the wife, as unto the weaker vessel, and as being heirs together of grace that your prayers be not hindered.

It doesn't matter if we prayerfully seek God's wisdom in our family size, if we don't "let the Lord determine our family size" it isn't good enough.  I've read her book "Be Fruitful and Multiply" many years ago, and the promotion on fertility seems a bit over the top.  The result of what I've seen is that the focus is so heavy on fertility, fertility, fertility that many women who aren't fertile (either through age or circumstance) feel useless and no good or broken.   Nancy doesn't say this of course, but it is implied because of the heavy focus on having more babies.  More babies, babies, babies even if you have serious health issues, are drowning in care of them, have mental illness or depression or whatever else may hinder your care of your children.  Just keep having babies, the Lord will provide!  Umm, no.  Not always.  Sometimes prayerful Godly wisdom and knowledge says otherwise, and we have freedom to choose otherwise.  The other "blessings" that she states about large families has been the opposite of what I've seen.  It isn't all unicorns and rainbows as she would imply.  Lots of bitterness, heartache and strife as well.  Lots of maternal depletion and illness from so many babies.   Lots of wayward, unbelieving children, even with the best training and intentions.   Lots of abuse, either physically, emotionally or sexually because the parents are to busy and/or frazzled to watch behaviors closely.  There's no guarantee of success. I honestly feel in this area this verse below applies.  She doesn't help all these families raise the children, so telling them to have more, have more, have more shouldn't be her domain. Encouraging is one thing, guilt is another.

Matthew 23:4 For they bind heavy burdens and grievous to be borne, and lay them on men's shoulders; but they themselves will not move them with one of their fingers.

Interestingly, a lot of the Christian mentality today seems to think that prior generations did no family planning.  Not so.  I had a great aunt once tell me that her (Christian) grandfather told her father when he was to be married, "You're a farmer, and you wouldn't breed a cow that isn't fully healthy, so you better take much better care of your wife."  *wisdom* *knowledge*  I also had another elder family member who felt overwhelmed with the number of children she had (after very difficult births and no family support, being an immigrant) who moved into another bedroom at that point and they lived that way for the rest of their life.  Seek Godly wisdom from above and He'll lead you in this area as He does in all others.  Imagine that?!

Her other devotions focus on character traits, which are good and Scriptural, but I didn't seem to be able to sort out the real guilt from the human induced guilt.  It's definitely a good thing to challenge each other on our Spiritual walk, but if we are intentionally laying burdens on others, is that encouragement?  The last devotion I read was on the word "resentment".  This is the page on the right.  All good, but I started searching my heart for resentment and didn't find any that needed dealing with, but was questioning it all day whether I really was finding any or if I just was denying the areas that I really was resentful about.  Top this on top of the past several devotions with other words (unhurried, unmovable, untainted, undaunted, uncomplaining, unworried, etc.) that I was searching my heart for areas of guilt all day long and the burden got heavier and heavier.  I couldn't tell anymore what was my own conscience, what was her guilt being heaped on me and what was my logical denial of guilt that I was trying to fight.  It all became one big jumbled mess of failure, guilt and confusion in my heart and mind.  There was no hope.  No matter what I did, it wasn't good enough.  No matter what I didn't do, there was no peace.  After a couple weeks of doing this, I finally broke down.  In church, our Pastor talked in his sermon about submitting to God's will in all areas, and I lost it.  I had no idea what God's will was anymore.  What was God's will, my will or someone else's will upon my life?  I had no idea anymore!

I had no joy, no free spirit, for whatever reason.

When I got home I crumbled.  I cried and cried.  I couldn't sort out what was the root of my struggles, nor was there any hope for the future.  I blubbered many of these fears to my husband, who didn't have any answers either, but prayed over me for calm and peace and wisdom.  (If you know me, I'm not the type to cry over much.  Maybe 5 minutes per year would be an average.  This was totally out of the norm for me.)

Monday morning I awoke and did my normal routine and read my devotion.  And then I read a page in another devotion called GraceLaced I've been reading too and I had my answer.  Nancy's books had no grace.  No forgiveness, no room for failure.  Just raising the bar higher and higher by our own dedication and efforts.  Keep pressing for perfection, and if you aren't doing it well enough, you must not be trying hard enough.  If your children aren't saved, it's your fault.  If they are, then it's to your credit.  Works, works, works.  It's all dependent on you as a mother and wife.  She doesn't ever say this, but she doesn't ever mention grace, forgiveness or resting in God's promises.  It's just do more, be more, expect more.

GraceLaced devotion for the same day.

Even at the retreat the lady in charge was selling t-shirts that said "God is within her, she shall not fail". Every time I would see someone wearing one, I felt like I could never wear that shirt.  I fail every day.  Many times each day.  Fail, fail, fail.  And I need grace, grace, grace.  Do I totally miss the point of this?  Where have I gone wrong, if I'm failing so miserably?  Do you see how a Bible translation changes the meaning of a verse too?  This is where the quote came from:

Psalm 46:5 (KJV) God is in the midst of her; she shall not be moved:

Psalm 46:5(NIV) God is within her, she will not fall; 

(They changed the word fall to fail on the shirts, or else I have no idea which version of the Bible they were using.  This verse is also talking about a city not a woman.  Totally inappropriate use of context!  "Failing" and "not being moved" (solid foundation) mean totally different things in our journey. Sigh.)

The truth of it all was my chrysalis moment.  It was where I emerged from under the weight of guilt and realized that I was feeling heavy from burdens that aren't mine to bear.  The guilt I was feeling was all induced and not real.  I can walk by faith, trusting that the Holy Spirit will lead me each day, and not the teaching of man (even with their gazillion Bible verses, some in context, others not).  I have the Holy Spirit in me, so why would He not be leading me already?  Why do I need someone new telling me what to do and not do?  Has my life until now been a total failure (as I felt after reading these books) because I'm not as "enlightened" as she is?  No!  No, no and no!  I'm a child of a King too, and He's been leading me all along.  Some of my choices and life situations are different than hers and that's okay!

When I used to live in Arizona, I listened to a radio program by a Dr. Randy Carlson about Christian living.  It was always very encouraging, whatever the topic.  But then as time went on, his show changed to more and more "intentional living".  I see that now his website has actually been changed to that title.  How sad.  Has the Christian walk changed so much that we do it all for success?  Why do we even need Christ anymore if we just live "intentionally"?  Has the church stooped to the level of corporate America for it's template of success?  What happens when we do everything "right" and we still fail?  What then?   Is it our fault?  What a house of cards it would be if we were responsible for our children's futures, their spouse choices, their careers, their leading instead of letting God do the work.  Since He knows better than us, He'll give us and our children wisdom as needed along the way.  That's what faith is.  Faith isn't a formula given by some man's interpretations.  Faith is making choices day by day, prayerfully seeking God's wisdom.  Intentional living doesn't need faith.  It's got it all figured out already!

Anyhow, in summary, I guess I wonder why I took it all so personally and wasn't able to sort out the wheat from the chaff very well.  I read plenty of books where I just grab a few snippets of truth and let the rest pass by.  Maybe I tried to do it of my own works and didn't let God lead me.  Maybe I just was trying to do to much, too fast.   Maybe I'll be able to read her books again at some point in the future without the same feelings.  Maybe it's just a good thing I came the full circle that I did, so that I can keep doing what I'm doing and not be praising her for my successes and giving "man" the credit rather than God.   I don't know.  I just know that once I stopped reading her books, I've had this incredible peace in my mind and my heart.  Knowing that God doesn't measure me by my good wife-ing or mothering, but only by faith in His Son, Jesus Christ, who died to save me from my sins (all those many, many sins).

Matthew 11:29-30Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart: and ye shall find rest unto your souls.  For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.

“When I thought God was hard, I found it easy to sin; but when I found God so kind, so good, so overflowing with compassion, I beat my breast to think I could ever have rebelled against One who loved me so and sought my good.” ~Charles Spurgeon

GraceLaced deovtion on freedom

Sample page of The Power of Motherhood

The kindness of one (you!)

Back when I was a kid, my Mom was relentless on us being kind to others.  She still is today.  I hated her and loved her for that.  She never let our self-pity or selfishness get in the way of us being kind to the others, like our friends parents often did.  She was the mom who always made sure that no one was left out, and that everyone felt welcome.  One of the biggest lessons in my life was about being kind to a new girl at school.  You can read it here, if you haven't already.

Recently my Mom sent me a story about a girl who was invited to a birthday party and didn't want to go but her mom made her.  (Mom remembered my story about the camping trip)  In the end, she was the only girl who showed up and made the birthday girl's day by helping her enjoy her day.  The full story can be found here, about how the kindness of one person can make a huge difference.  What if no one came?  How would we feel to be the birthday girl and no one came to our party?  I'm sure we can all think of times when we could have been more kind and gone out of our way a bit more, and I'm sure we can all think of times where we wish others would have done the same for us.

My Mom's famous words were, "there's someone new, go make them feel welcome!"  The worst words for a shy, introverted kid like myself to hear (especially when they were male exchange students a few years older!)  I still often cringe when I see new people in my familiar settings, because I hear my Mom's words, "go make them feel welcome!" and she often followed it up with, "how would you feel if you were the new person and didn't know anyone?"  Ouch!  Yep, I still don't like the feeling of being in a crowd and not knowing anyone with no one reaching out and welcoming me either.

Last weekend Elise and I went to a retreat where we only knew a couple people in a group of 300.  I was so nervous about being there, but remembered my Mom's words about forgetting my own self-preservation tendencies, and focused on welcoming others instead.  What a blessing it is when we can do that!  We had a great time, and I need not have worried!

Fast forward now to my own parenting years.  I reiterate those same words over and over to my kids too, that my Mom told me.  They are often shy and quiet in new settings, and often selfish in their own familiar settings (not concerned with others well-being, only their own).  But that's no excuse for not reaching out, is it?  

Our Luke recently joined the track team at the school, and has the disadvantage of not knowing but one other boy on the team because he doesn't go to school with these kids.  On the first day, he was excited but came home a bit discouraged because he didn't really know where he should be and what he should be doing.  The second day, he felt like quitting, because it was quite lonely and no one reached out to him (he joined a week late so had missed the tours/explanations).  But, on day 3, one boy noticed that he was lost/alone and welcomed him in and showed him all around.  He took the time to take him to each station and showed him how it all works.  Luke came home that day with a big smile on his face, and it has remained there ever since.  He loves track.  He feels welcomed (even if only by 1 other kid) and he wants to go each day.  If that one boy hadn't been kind, how fun would it have been?  How enjoyable is it to be alone, day after day?  

So, don't underestimate how your kindness might change someone's day or someone's life.  Even if a smile or small word of encouragement is all we have to give, we can all give something!

Colossians 3:12 Put on therefore, as the elect of God, holy and beloved, bowels of mercies, kindness, humbleness of mind, meekness, longsuffering;