I've spent most of my life feeling less than I should. Keeping my emotions inside, afraid to let anyone see my true self for fear they wouldn't like me. It kept me safe from ridicule, my vulnerabilities close to my chest, and gave an edge of superiority on those who couldn't or didn't. But it was a huge mistake to cope this way. (yes, cope) It shut me right down inside, and finally made me to be unable to laugh or cry at all. It was making the mistake of thinking that feeling less meant feeling better- with symptoms that include inability to focus or listen, a mind that hungers for the next distraction, lack of or struggle to control one's appetite, short-temperedness, feet that twitch, a lack of peace and joy. There's many reasons why we do this, but much of it depends on if we're an introvert or an extrovert and how we dealt with stress as a child. The extroverts often will respond more in fight modes, whereas the introverts will freeze, fawn or flight (run away); although we all will likely do all of them at different challenges. Being a people pleaser or shutting down inside are much more tolerable behaviors than anger, but it's a response to stress just the same and starts getting built up inside our bodies over time. These are the repressions that lead to disease later in life. Remember, emotions govern structure, and structure governs function. Teaching emotional regulation to our children is the answer to this all. Comforting them when they are distressed and absorbing their energy with your own calming energy can be the biggest healer to learning good regulation to stress as an adult. If you didn't learn this as a child, learning it with your spouse is very healing. (How We Love book)
I think we can all see ourselves in all the categories below. Healing from these is essential to peace and joy.
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How to Have a Difficult Conversation~
There’s nothing worse than having to talk to somebody who you know is going to get upset. Difficult conversations are the worst, but that doesn’t mean you should avoid them. In fact, that’s exactly what you SHOULDN’T do.
Here are 4 techniques for whenever we have to have a difficult conversation. These are ways to stay focused on the outcome you want, rather than the other person’s emotional reaction. It's best to give the person an advance notice of needing a hard conversation too. Springing it on them might not end so well.
TRY THIS:
1️⃣ Always start the conversation by acknowledging your responsibility for whatever situation or mess you find yourself in.
2️⃣ Then tell the person what your goal is for having this conversation.
3️⃣ Do A LOT of listening and validating the person’s feelings.
4️⃣ Restate the outcome to stay focused on the result you want.
Bonus tip: Try rehearsing the conversation with a friend. Work out the kinks and get comfortable with what you’re going to say. [source]
Here's another acronym to help too. Figure these out beforehand and write down if necessary and read it off~
Jefferson Fisher is a lawyer I've been learning from lately how to communicate better. He has a ton of video shorts on YouTube if you want to learn this stuff too. Recently I was in a "surprise attack" difficult conversation over something I had said 2-3 years ago and had to jump in with both feet. I used 4 different of his tactics in explaining myself why I had said what I said, and how to still disagree in a healthy manner and it worked super well. I was able to be clear and concise, not get emotionally charged (I would have in my old days!) and be confident in what I wanted as the outcome of the conversation. The tactics I used in this one were (1) point out when you do agree on something (2) do not allow interruptions (the man tried to interrupt several times and I had to say, "I'm not done talking", which I never would have done in my old days; I would have just shut down, got angry and defensive and left) (3) imagine your outcome of the conversation and stick with the goals (4) don't allow emotional takeovers (don't let their bullying or guilt tripping or passive aggression derail your purpose, sort of like #2 but a bit different).
I didn't used to know that you could disagree without getting defensive. I didn't know that was an option. Well, turns out you can. The biggest way is by taking some time to respond not react. There's a gap in between what was said to you and how you reply back. The options are to (1) just say what comes to your head immediately as an emotional reaction or (2) think and pray about how to respond for a better outcome. Even saying, "let me think about this and get back to you" is a good option. Who knew?!
Realizing why we get reactive can be helpful too. I didn't ever think about the why but below is a list. Naming it can be helpful in letting your feelings come forth to ponder (not to defend). We don't really have to defend anyone or anything, even ourself. We can be curious as to why someone says something to us, but not take it personally if we know it isn't true, or only partially true. Even if it is wholly true, asking why the person is saying it and how we can learn and grow from it is still beneficial to us. Do people avoid telling us the truth for fear of our reaction? Or is it their tactic? Is it truth or is it opinion? Or a mix? Do they say it in a way meant to be kind, loving and helpful? Do they think they need to reproach us by informing us in some way? Are we approachable for the hard conversations that need to be had? These all take some time to sort out, so don't respond unless you are confident in your reply. All relationships need to have hard conversations, so learning to do them better will improve all our relationships.
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- Can't (cannot) denotes an inability to perform a given task.
- Won't (will not) denotes an unwillingness to perform a given task.
Sometimes people can't understand you the way you want to be understood, but sometimes it's that they won't. How to tell the difference? Super hard. Even impossible as we can't read each other's minds, so we won't know their intent unless we ask. What I did learn is that with can't, compassion should be given for the inability to perform said task, but with won't, a boundary should be placed to limit that behavior. This of course has much nuance and is a rather gray area but did lead to good questions when trying to decode someone else's behavior. Can't implies that they are unable but won't implies that they are unwilling. You can see how the subtle difference will change your responses to their behavior.
The other side of this coin is our own view of ourselves. Are we limiting ourselves because of what we think and believe? Do we assume we can't because we won't? Why not? Will we not listen to other viewpoints because we can't see their point of view or because we won't? Are we closed to a variety of options because we can't or won't explore them? Are we afraid so we believe we can't? Or are we afraid so we won't? Do we listen to what others tell us about ourselves and believe in their view of our limitations (however well-meaning they may sound)? Are we as firmly rooted in our beliefs as we claim, or are we shakier than we claim that other perspectives scare us?
Luke 10:27
And he answering said, Thou shalt love the Lord thy God with all thy heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy strength, and with all thy mind; and thy neighbour as thyself.
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Paying attention to our automatic thoughts. This one is huge. Our automatic thoughts are what control our day. Debra Felita (counselor) says the easiest way to tally these is to grab a piece of paper, put a line down the middle and start writing down every thought that comes to our head for 24 hours. One the left side of the line, write thoughts about yourself and on the right side write thoughts about other people. At the end of 24 hours, tally up the (+) and the (-) as far as positive or negative thoughts. (We actually have to write them all down honestly for this to work!) 70% of our automatic thoughts go unnoticed as we are so used to them that they have become our reality (whether true or not). How we talk to ourselves is often much worse than how we would dare talk to others. We can change our automatic thoughts but it takes time and intention, and we have to stop our ruminations. My counselor really helped me see how limiting my automatic thoughts were, and how damaging they were to my life. The voices in our heads are the most persuasive and pervasive influence in our lives. It's as if they are us (they are in our own voice), but they are not. They may just be damaged belief systems, shame cycles, and things people said in anger to us decades ago that we've never healed. What are the kinds of negative thoughts that limit us and bring us low?
Price Pritchett explains these quite well below. We also have faulty beliefs that "concern" means we care about an issue more than other people do. Or that "stress" means we're a better employee because it means we care. We've told ourselves these things to justify our negative thoughts, but it doesn't have to be this way. Improving our conversation skills will also limit our negative thoughts, because when we can communicate effectively, we don't have to assume things.
- Complaining – Pritchett notes that we complain most about things that are out of our control. To eliminate complaints and focus on improvement is an excellent redirection of energy. Complaining is more than just expressing dissatisfaction, it's getting stuck in a loop of focusing on problems without seeking solutions. It feels good to complain because it separates you from what’s happening, but it becomes a habit that hinders growth and progress. It’s like a relief valve that feels good the moment it opens up, but when it closes it just fills back up with the same problems.
- Criticism – What role does criticism play in your self-talk? Are you half-empty or half-full? Do you find the good or notice the defect? Do you keep it to yourself, quietly downgrading, or do you find ways to share your observations in a way that encourages and edifies? At first, pointing out flaws might seem like a way to improve things, but truthfully criticism dulls the shine of achievements and stifles creativity. That’s because criticizing isn’t done with the intention to improve, but rather the intention to bring something down. Shifting from criticism to constructive feedback ignites growth and fosters a more collaborative environment.
- Concern – Pritchett says concern is just old-fashioned worrying. If you inventoried your worries, you’d find that most don’t materialize. Minimize concern. While having concerns are helpful to serve as warnings and could be positive when coming from a place of caring, it can easily be overdone and turn into worry. We gravitate toward worry because we need a way to express the uncertainty, which evolves into overthinking about things out of our control and is draining.
- Commiserating – The old phrase “misery loves company” comes to mind here. If you’re going to get into the ditch with someone, don’t linger there. Give a helpful hand and a good word. (ask, "How can I help?") Help them to a better place. Gathering with friends to share experiences and woes can feel therapeutic initially. But when these discussions get repetitive and stuck in sharing grievances, it can make feeling bad for yourself more acceptable. Ultimately the version of this you’d like to incorporate comes from a place of empathy for others and acceptance for yourself, so that you can reroute your behavior to something more constructive.
- Catastrophizing – Negative thinking makes negative events worse than they are. When you make an event a catastrophe, it takes you off your feet and off your game. Don’t stay there. You can get up. You can step ahead. This is when things are blown out of proportion and you picture the worst-case scenario. It makes you feel powerless because you’ve made the obstacle out to be so much bigger than it is, and it paralyzes you from feeling like you can take any meaningful action against it.
[source- The 5 Cs of Negative Thinking]
Next up...where does our value lie?!
Romans 12:2 And be not conformed to this world: but be ye transformed by the renewing of your mind, that ye may prove what is that good, and acceptable, and perfect, will of God.
