These last 6 months have been spent teaching my first teenager how to drive. I'd say it's shown more of my desire for control in my children than any other aspect thus far. The stakes are so much higher! While sitting in the passenger seat though, I've had lots of time to contemplate things, and although I haven't come up with any brainwaves yet, I thought I'd share what I've noticed.
1) Sitting quietly in the passenger seat (without either being a "backseat driver" or "caution queen") is harder than I thought it would be. If I pointed out every single potential danger, this would lead to discouragement in my teen rather quickly. I have to just shut my mouth and pray and only add comments when absolutely necessary. I've also learned that there is a big difference between potential threats and actual threats. Navigating how to teach about both is all in the tone and the timing.
2) Teens do best with a 10:1 ratio (or even more!) of compliments/good job/reassurance to keep their motivation up and their discouragement/fear down. But when I think of myself, I do best with the same. And don't we all? Criticism should be always kept to a minimum. None of us do better due to criticism, as mostly it just leads to despair.
3) Prayer is more important than worry. This should be a given, but it isn't. My default is more to go to worry first and then prayer. God's sovereignty over our lives is not determined by my level of worry or fear, and just because I'm scared doesn't mean He's not in control of the situation. I know this in my head and heart, but I often forget it. Every day I forget it. Me adding in peanut gallery comments to be more careful will not result in more care being added, when maximum care is already being applied. I just need to shut my mouth and pray.
4) Teens may have less discretion due to less experience, but they also have much quicker reaction time than I've given them (him!) credit for. I assume he's like me when he's driving, but I've failed to give him credit for times when his quick thinking and quick acting has actually led to better results than it would have if I had been driving. This is the encouraging part!
The next thing about raising teens that I'm learning, is that mercy is taught in new ways. Kind of new, because you offer toddlers the same kind of mercy but then the expectations go up again during the mid-kid years (6-12ish). But when they become teens, that increased mercy card gets pulled out again. Between their growing, their sleeping, their picky eating, their bossing, their independence-but-not-independent, their hormones, their moods....the list goes on. Grace is giving a gift when there is no need for it, blessing others in ways they don't deserve but for no specific reasons. For example, a teen is often tired. If I do their work for them and let them sleep in, that's grace. It also means I don't require them to pay me back in some fashion. That's grace. Mercy is when the same thing happens but there's some offense tucked in there somewhere. They hurt a sibling, they may have run off at the mouth in an unhealthy manner, they offended someone (or they were offended themselves somehow). As a mom of teens, you realize the outstanding parameters, and you make decisions accordingly. Did they eat lunch? Did they have a sleepless night? Is their heart heavy from some emotional distress? And then we offer mercy in the gap and nourish the need instead of the usual required obedience or expectation.
The example of this popped up last week glaringly. One child had been nasty all morning (I had intervened in 4 fights already, of which this child was the common denominator), and then a friend called to see if this same child could come and spend the day. On one hand I thought, "well, they sure don't deserve that!" On the other hand I thought, "well, it'll be good to get rid of this child for a few hours so we can all get a break!" Neither of those responses were what I went on though. I told this child that they could go, and enjoy themself. On the drive over, the child even said to me, "I don't deserve to go spend the day with my friend, as I've been mean and nasty all morning!" I replied, "yes, you have, but you are going to go enjoy a break from all of us for the rest of the day." And we all did the chores for this specific child while they were gone. That's mercy. The gift was given with no outside expectations nor retribution. This happens often with teens and is where they truly learn about grace and mercy on a personal level. This child's comment told me they got it without me even having to explain anything.
The next few things just come from things I've been reading or learning about in books or podcasts. Just tidbits that help me put names to things and figure out puzzle pieces that might be missing elsewhere. As always, I put my Christian perspective on secular teachings and see how they either overlap or are different. Sometimes there's relevance, and sometimes there isn't.
Yesterday I was painting my long overdue (15 years) living room, and my kids were all out in the shop having a Nerf war, so I turned on a podcast of Mikhaila Peterson and Guy Winch on relationships. I tend to like her podcasts as she asks a lot of good questions and there's no chitchat, all business. Anyhow, I know nothing about this guy except that he's a family/marriage therapist, and has some books and TED talks out on the subject. In the length of the listening, he mentioned that he and his cohorts can determine the success of a marriage to 90% accuracy all by watching a 5 minute video clip of the couple fighting/arguing. The traits of success include
- treating each other with respect (listening until the other person is completely finished talking)
- not getting defensive
- listening to hear (not just to respond with our rebuttal)
- listening without eliciting an emotional response
The next thing is about trust. Have you ever wondered why you do or don't trust someone? Or why it takes a while to trust certain people? Or for them to trust you? Or you trust them in some areas but not others? Brene Brown has studied into it and has come up with these criteria for trust. She clarifies that it's unrealistic to expect everyone to meet these criteria (and that we certainly can't meet all these criteria for others!), and that if you have 1-2 friends who meet this criteria then you are extremely blessed. But, it helps see why some people have never made it into the "trust" category although you may have known them for many years. Her acronym is called BRAVING.
Boundaries
Trust thrives within boundaries that are clear and consistent. Each party knows where they stand,
“I trust you if you are clear about your boundaries and you hold them and you are clear about my boundaries and you respect them. There is no trust without boundaries.”
Reliability
Researchers are always looking for things that are valid and reliable. A set of scales provides a valid measurement.
A reliable scale is one where if you got on it 100 times, it will return the same result every time.
You cannot gain someone’s trust if you are reliable only once, because that’s not the definition of reliability.
In our working lives, we have to be clear on our limitations so we don’t take on so much that we don’t deliver on our commitments.
In our personal life, same thing. You can’t overpromise and underdeliver.
“I can only trust you if you do what you say you are going to do. And not once, but over and over again.”
Accountability
Own your mistakes and allowing for the transgressions of others,
“I can only trust you if, when you make a mistake you are willing to own it, apologise for it and make amends. I can only trust you if, when I make a mistake I am allowed to own it, apologise for it and make amends. No accountability, no trust”.
Vault
Research shows that when someone gossips with you about a third party, your trust in the gossiper is completely diminished.
Many times we share things that are not ours to share as a way to hotwire connection with a friend.
If you have a friend like that, your closeness is built on trash talking others. Brown refers to this as ‘common enemy intimacy’, which isn’t a real connection.
The vault means you respect my story, but you respect other peoples story.
“What I share with you, you will hold in confidence. What you share with me I will hold in confidence.”
Integrity
Brown came up with her own definition of integrity, with three core components:
- Choosing courage over comfort
- Choosing what is right over what is fun, fast or easy
- Practising your values, not just professing your values
“I cannot be in a trusting relationship with you unless you act from a place of integrity and encourage me to do the same.”
Non-judgement
Brown says it’s vital to be able struggle, fall apart and ask for help without being judged by another and vice versa.
This is hard, she says, because we’re better at helping than asking for help.
If you can’t ask for help and those around you can’t reciprocate it, that is not a trusting relationship.
When we assign value to needing or giving help, there’s an issue,
“Real trust doesn’t exist unless help is reciprocal and non-judgmental.”
Generosity
According to Brown, it’s essential to be compassionate and make a generous assumption if someone inadvertently betrays your trust.
In this way, it’s better to address the situation early, rather than bottling it up and saving it as blackmail for a later date,
“Our relationship is only trusting if you can assume the most generous thing about my words intentions and behaviours and then check in with me.”
The last thing is a tidbit by Dr. Zach Bush on why covid is such a crisis right now, and why chronic health is so low these days too. The key word is glyphosate (Roundup). He explained in the video I watched how Roundup blocks the Shikamate Pathway which prevents 3 essential amino acids (tryptophan and a few others) from being absorbed into our bodies. Without these essential amino acids (these are ones we need to eat, not ones our bodies can produce themselves); chronic disease is on it's way. We've been spraying Roundup on (or genetically modifying) crops for 30 years now, and chronic disease is epidemic in the last 30 years as well. From these lacks in adults (200+ functions in the body) we get diabetes, obesity, anxiety, sleeplessness, dementia and other memory related issues; and in babies/kids we get chronic birth diseases (genetic expression included) of all sorts- starting with the A's- asthma, allergies, ADHD, autism, etc. and on we go. So, avoiding GMO foods and rebuilding the gut are the easiest things we can do from home to fix our guts and our health. Restaurant/convenience foods are notoriously not concerned with this health information, so sourcing our food locally and organically is hard work but worth it for the health of our families.
This is our current DDT experience that was dealt with in the 1900s and up until it was banned. "Oh, of course it's safe!" until "Oh, oops no it isn't!"
That's all for today!
