The other day it occurred to me, that I just ain't what I used to be. I mean, I already knew this, considering I am turning 40 this year. And though I'm okay with getting older (and hopefully wiser) and more gray hair (it's somehow multiplying at an exponential rate), what I don't like is how my nerves just don't handle things like they used to.
My 5 babies have not been easy on my body, and I supplement accordingly to try to accommodate the lacks, one of which is B vitamins in large doses. This lack has created in me occasional anxiety which I have never experienced before. There has been two times when my anxiety actually got the better of me and I felt very out of control (although this was nothing compared to what some people deal with due to anxiety). This was when venturing into new territory where I had never tread before. One was playing the piano for a wedding (I will not say yes to that again!) and the other was when I had to call our wonderful midwife when we were first considering a home birth. I had anxiety before calling her and then it was even worse on the day of our first appointment. And then she called and cancelled because of a birth and had to reschedule. Akk. Even more waiting. Thankfully both situations ended positively, but I don't care to relive the anxious moments.
This past year I have been put in 3 new situations which also caused me stress in a way that I never thought I would feel stress. One was butchering chickens last summer. I felt like I could only observe and learn, and then next time maybe I'll venture forth and actually help out. Between watching 9 kids and making meals for company, my brain was maxed out already. Learning something new was not in my capabilities that day. But, now that I've seen the process, I feel like if we ever do meat chickens again, I will be an asset to the production line.
The next was flying with 5 kids and tackling Disneyland. Talk about mom anxiety there. Losing a kid. Forgetting a kid. Kids acting up on the plane. Needing a bathroom and not being able to find one. Hunger/new food struggles eating in different places (thankfully that wasn't high on the list as our kids are pretty good eaters).
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| Elise and Isaac pouting at California Adventure because their tamales were too spicy. Thankfully they ate the beans and rice and the rest of us got to enjoy their delicious tamales! |
Thankfully that trip all went well, although meandering through a crowd of probably 20,000 in the dark with a group of 13 was rather stressful at the end of the busy day. It tipped me over into "freak out" mindset and the "I have to get out of here right now or I'll lose it" flight or fight kicked in. As soon as we were out of the crowds of people and back under the streetlights I was fine, but it as tense for a bit there!
Then just this past weekend my cousin Janine and her family invited us to go fishing in the ocean in their new boat. I did enjoy the whole adventure, but felt again that I'd better just observe everything before getting too involved. It would have been great fun to catch a fish, but with our 3 little ones who were not feeling well (they fell asleep thankfully), I felt it was all I could handle to just stay calm and stay seated and at the end of the day get home in one piece!
The older boys did great, but I pictured many "worst case scenarios" in my mind, most of which were possible but highly unlikely. I tried to think back to when I just had myself to worry about, and I generally knew what my limitations were (in the same type of scenarios). With kids you never know what they're thinking and what they'll try, which is a big part of what makes being a parent so stressful. Some kids are risk takers, some play it safe. Some have poor judgement (often due to inexperience), some have excellent judgement but are fearful and/or klutzy. It's so hard to know when to let them spread their wings and when the parental authority must take over and we must be wise for them.
I try really hard not to turn into my mother (whom I love dearly, but who worries far too much), in yet I know it's probably quite unavoidable also. With my nerves getting worse over time, and our boys getting more daring, I'm sure the worst is yet to come! I'm not really sure how to avoid it and how to embrace it gracefully.
Another aspect is letting my own fears rub off on my kids. I have unreasonable fears of horses, beetles, and ocean beaches (random sneaker waves + 5 kids = not much fun, ever), and a few more that I can't think of right now. When we were in Santa Monica, CA this spring, I did want to try to go to the beach there. I took 3 of the kids down (Greg despises beaches even more than me and offered to stay at the car with the other 2 kids since they didn't want to come) to the beach and after about 5 minutes, my nerves had had enough. Done. Time to go. I keep trying to get braver, but the image of little Luke when he was 3 getting washed away from me, and his little body rolling in the waves just resurfaces and I can't get past it. I wonder then if I really do need to get past it or if it's there for my future benefit. Like horses. I have no desire to ever get past my fear of horses. I can't see how I'll ever need to ride a horse again in my life. Or hitch one to a cart or buggy (unless I convert to Amish, haha). And Greg is thankful for how much money we'll save by never having to own a horse (he actually prayed for a wife who wouldn't love horses, because so many women get so obsessed with them). Well, he got one!
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| The 3 brave ones |
I do remember meeting a lady whose brother had drowned when she was a child. Because of that experience, she was so fearful of water that she never had her own children learn to swim and they felt she had done them a great disservice. I do think it would have been wiser for her to ensure her kids learned to swim, rather than avoid the water due to fear. So, I do wonder again, where does balance lie?
Well, off to bed so that my nerves are as healthy as they can be for this stage of life tomorrow. A certain baby in our house has about 4 teeth coming through today, and possibly 4 more on the way, so her nerves can use all the help they can get too. Nutritional yeast, B vitamins, calcium/magnesium for teeth health and calming...coming up! This seems elementary but our Naturopath says that babies only have as much vitamins as their moms give them (if nursing), so if they aren't coping well, it's because they don't have enough vitamins to cope with. Makes sense but amid the crying and whining, I often forget to ensure it.
What do you do to keep your sanity, patience, nerves calm and keep an overall sense of well-being?
