Guilt, control, ego and identity- how they all fit together

I'm having a bit (or a lot!) of trouble figuring out how to piece this all together, but it does go together.  As you well know, my life runs on guilt.  I spend most of my days feeling guilty about something.  I did learn the difference between real guilt and false guilt, and I would say that 95%+ of mine is false.  I've tried my whole life to be "good enough" in the eyes of others (mostly people whose approval I seek- family and close friends, particularly elders). I listen to their complaints, opinions, judgements and advice, and want to please them (and avoid their disapproval, which they freely offer).  But, no matter how much I do, there's always more on the lists.  I could eat better, school my kids better, have less struggles if I'd only do what they say.  I do see now that likely they are getting a dopamine hit every time they offer suggestions/solutions, and the advice makes them feel better, with no regards to what the receiver is doing with the information. (How often do they go home and prayerfully seek an answer or measure advice before spouting it out?)  They likely don't know that I have a bulging file in my brain of all the things I "should" and "shouldn't" do from a lifetime of listening to them.  Although I know with my head that I don't need to listen nor seek their approval, my heart still wants to.  It's a constant battle.  I don't want to be gossiped about (it'd be a lofty idea to think that I'm not!) nor do I want to be blamed if bad things happen in my life (as is a common coping mechanism "if so-and-so would have....; this wouldn't have happened") I live in constant fear of being blamed if bad things should happen to my immediate family by other people's judgements, not reality.  Particularly elders who have nothing to do but speculate on why other people are doing (or not doing) what they are doing.  The outside birds-eye view perspective is supposed to hold some value, which it really doesn't.

Here's a good definition of true vs false guilt.  I don't have source on it, it was shared with me~

"True guilt is the negative feeling we have when we harm others. False guilt, on the other hand, is a negative feeling triggered by not living up to standards that are no longer realistic or because of things outside our control.

Feeling guilty over someone's disapproval or not living up to their expectations is false guilt.

True guilt comes when you are responsible for the action or event that occurred. False or inappropriate guilt comes when you feel responsible for a particular event, when in reality you had no power or control over the outcome."

https://www.focusonthefamily.com/get-help/the-origins-of-false-guilt/

This quote below sums up what most of us want when we're struggling.  We just want to be heard, to know we aren't alone.  We don't want to be told how we can do better, because that just leads us to shame for being human.  The thoughts in my head basically say, "If I did better, I wouldn't be struggling, so I guess I'm the problem here." (not that the problem is the problem) Whenever we focus on the person instead of the problem itself, the person receiving it feels shame.  Separating the person from the behavior/struggle is essential here too.  We all fail, make bad choices, didn't see the best options, or just plain things didn't turn out as well as we hoped.  This doesn't make us the bad guy.  It just means we live in a fallen world.  Someone who is firm about a decision (for their own reasons) doesn't become "stubborn" or "rebellious" just because their list of reasons doesn't make sense to us.  This is what defining someone means later on when I get to the controlling people portion.  Calling someone stupid because one thing they said was stupid is the same sort of thing.  Our behavior is not our character.  We likely are just a good person (redeemed by Christ) having a hard time for the day, the week or even a longer season.  It takes a lot of badness for it to actually define our character as such.  A good way to approach a confusing situation is to ask yourself, "what is my most generous interpretation of their words/behavior?"  Whenever I've done this, my answer has always been "I don't know".  I don't have to go to worst case scenario or flaws in their character.  I just plain don't know because I haven't asked them and I can't read their mind.  This alone takes plenty of judgement out of relationships and interactions.  And the responsibility for "fixing" them.

Here's just one simple example in the day of the life of me.  I took a child to the dentist last week and had anxiety on the way.  I knew my child had cavities, and I was getting them taken care of.  But, I also knew that I would be given a lecture on more brushing, more flossing, less sugar and more diligence on my part, because I've been to the dentist enough times before.  There's no heed paid to the efforts I do take to promote healthy teeth for my kids, the only concern is that if they have cavities, I need to be doing more.  Doesn't matter that my Mom just died, or that life may be upside down in a myriad of possible ways, I just "should" be doing more.  Doesn't matter if there's underlying reasons for the cavities (tongue ties, gluten intolerance, reflux, etc) either.  And sadly, for some of those of us who don't like getting shamed, it works.  We do more, and more, and more.  Shaming does work much of the time, until it doesn't.  Until we have find addictions to ease the internal pain, or at the far end of the coping spectrum- suicide.  

The next connection today is about controlling others.  Part of the advice giving and solutions is to try to control outcomes.  We don't like to see people struggle and we want them to be better and life to be swell.  But that's out of our control.  God's got this!  Would we want to take away from someone's spiritual growth because we meddled?  Would we take away valuable life lessons for someone because we thought we knew better than they did or God did by offering our pathetic solutions?  Do we think ourselves so high and mighty that we know best?  Or are we just trying to control the uncontrollable to make ourselves feel safe and secure?  It could be all of these or none of these.  I recently read a book called Controlling People that had lots of good stuff to offer.  It was hard to read in that if anyone is self-aware, they will honestly ask themselves if they are the controller or the controlled.  As we all should.  None of us gets off with none of the tendencies.  Here's my summary below, although there was a lot more in it.  Also, we learn there are many more ways of controlling others than I knew existed.  

If you think you don't control others, these two articles are excellent.  We all do it to get what we want!  Especially us moms raising kids.  Here and here.  

These most controlling tendencies come from people who don't have a stable sense of self, and who try to control others externally because their internal self is very fragile or unstable.  They need to use externals to feel safe and secure.  If they can control others, then they themselves feel more secure.   Except that this doesn't ever work or last too long because a boat on the water will always have waves to deal with.  How do we end up with an unstable identity?  Mostly from adults when we were young telling us who we were (defining us) and how we felt and what we thought; and it didn't line up with who we thought we were on the inside.  Examples of this are a child falls down and the parent says, "get up, you aren't hurt". The child knows that they are hurt but the parent (or trusted figure) is telling them they are not.  Another would be a child wanting vanilla ice cream at an ice cream shop.  The parent says, "why don't you try rocky road, strawberry, or Neapolitan? Vanilla is so boring."  The child knows that the parent disapproves of their child choosing such a boring flavor and starts to feel shame over this.  Or a child is fearful in a new place, and the parent tells them, "there's nothing to be afraid of" and dismisses their fears instead of comforting them in them.  If this happens often enough, the child can't tell anymore what are their own thoughts, ideas and feelings; and what has been told them by someone else.  They can't tell themselves apart from the people who tell them who they are or aren't, or this or that.  (This also becomes their ego when they become an adult).  

As adults this moves into people making firm judgements about other people, diagnosing other people, assuming motives or intentions, and of course, using shame to get people to "do better".  This absolutely crushes our identity of who we are on the inside.  The people who do this often have a pretend life running in their brain that says how life should be, and they use these narratives to make it align.  They perceive you how they want you to be, not how you actually are.  Long and short is, when someone else makes up your "reality" for you, they are trying to control you even if they don't realize it.  It is often very subtle and unconscious on their behalf.  If someone claims [pretends] to know your thoughts or intentions, you know they are in an illusion.  How can anyone read someone else's mind?  Here's some ways to know if someone is controlling others through illusions~

• they define other groups or people (they know the truth!) often black/white, right/wrong
• only their definition is true (others don't know as well as they do!)
• they know what other people think, feel, are trying to do, means, should do, should be, wants, needs, intends, did, expects
• they are right, their behavior is normal (not odd), they are independent and self-reliant, they "know" God's will better than other people do

On the receiving end of these kind of controlling beliefs, people are told that~

• it is perfectly reasonable for one person to define another 
• we are stuck with this definition whether true or untrue
• we do not have the right to our own opinions
• we can earn love and acceptance by abdicating to the person with the controlling beliefs/judgements
• we become "successful" when we fulfill another person's vision of us, even when it in no way supports our own
• we must seek permission to act in our own story

Controllers often feel threatened if the other person shows individuality.  This can be through opinions, new ideas, requests, questions, expressions, beliefs, misgivings or apprehension.  If the other person shows separateness in any of these ways, this is threatening.  In a healthy relationship, separateness that shows uniqueness is appreciated and valued.  Any realities that don't conform to the controller's belief system threaten it.  Because they are alienated from a firm inner sense of self, it's their beliefs that hold them together.  They need external reassurance that they are who they believe themselves to be.  This is why they need to dismiss or correct anyone who has opposing views than they do.  Extreme cases show people giving up their integrity and resorting to deception to maintain their internal image of themselves and can almost become "life or death" to them.  The need to be right and the need to look good to others trumps all else.  Paradoxically, controlling people often see themselves as self-reliant but they rely solely on others to maintain their belief systems and uphold their fragile identity.  They often carry a banner of rugged independence while attempting to dismantle other people's individuality at the same time.   

At the same time, there are many cultural prescriptions needed to maintain the illusion that someone's life is under control.  These could be in the form of dress or living in a certain kind of house.  Or you need x,y,z to be happy or successful.  These expectations are not only put upon themselves but voiced to others on a regular basis as well.  Fear is closely linked in here, because as you can likely guess, when there's this many balls to juggle, one of them is bound to drop at any given moment.  Life is a house of cards.  There's a fear of being found out to be a fraud, a fear of not living up to their own list, a fear that other people won't maintain their illusion and then the control bands bind tighter.  And most of all, a fear of their own life experience with all it's feelings, intuitions and sensations which they've been taught to push down deep inside them for decades. What would happen if those came pouring out?!  If their feelings do come out by any slip of the guard, they quickly blame them on someone else.  Anger, anxiety and emotional pain do not (in their minds) have anything to do with their disconnection or unreasonable expectations.  To admit they are wrong about anything would shatter their image they have created of themselves and their world.  "If I admit I'm wrong in any way, then my whole being is wrong".

As explained, controlling people create an illusion of life, and create "pretend" people out of the people in their life.  These pretend people act as characters in their made up story.  The controllers want everyone to be of "one mind" with them, and will go to great lengths to ensure this.  One of these ways is to bond together against change itself.  They will go to great lengths to keep a tight grip on status quo, to keep things just as they are.  In a family unit this could mean discouraging the marriage of adult children or certain belief systems, or in a job setting this could be maintaining conformity over creativity.  Keeping a tight grip on status quo is much harder these days with the access everyone has to more information and the internet, and we can see how this is dismantling many false narratives in all of our lives (for the better).  

On the receiving end of this, being "controlled" is just as damaging.  People are told what they can and can't think and do, usually very subtly and unconsciously on the part of the controller.  They have to just slightly diminish any other thoughts or ideas, opinions or feelings of the receiver to maintain the perceived status quo in their heads.  If they can succeed in "defining" the other person, they can maintain the illusion.  If the receivers lose their own self-awareness, they also lose freedom of choice.  If they base their choices on what they've been told rather than their own experiences, they gradually lose their own identity and start to believe the confabulations that they hear. "I guess I'm too sensitive.  What's wrong with me?" (insert shame now whenever we're defined)

The way to heal this is to face our fears (if we are the controller).  This means connecting to our inner experience with all it's good and bad feelings and sensations.  It's to get to know ourselves again.  As we connect to ourselves, we also will begin to truly connect with others.  One really good way to do this is to start journaling.  Start writing your thoughts, ideas and beliefs down, without anyone else analyzing it.  What do I really think?  Feel?  Believe?  We have to start tossing out the ego (the list of things people told us we are or should be) and the expectations we've created about how life "should" be.  This is a ton of work, but the freedom that comes with it is worth it.  Life won't be so scary when we live in reality rather than an illusion.  Our fears will be manageable.  

Look for ways that we are all unified in the human experience of life.  Start appreciating other points of view rather than dismissing them or pointing out the failings of them.  Realize that God made each and every one of us unique and beautiful.  Realize that our world is not a mechanical set of rules and rituals, but an interconnected group of vibrational energy flowing in and out of all living beings (quantum physics) from one of us to another.  It's so much bigger than our meager attempts to control what we can see around us.  Realize that we are separate beings from everyone else, but also connected to everyone and everything else.

How can we bring this to light if we are on the receiving end of the controlling?  The easiest is to just say, "what?" after a judgment or defining statement has been made.  This asks for further explanation that words aren't just taken at face value, asks for clarity of something that doesn't make sense, brings attention to what was just said in that they know you didn't just buy it, and often if questioned the receiver will find that the controller doesn't even know what they meant by what they said.  Or a pat answer is given that really doesn't say anything at all.  Saying "what?" a few times may be necessary to start with.  Just dig deeper if things don't add up on the surface, but realize you are both on the same team trying to deeper understand each other, not pitted against each other to "win".  You're on the same side!

Other strategies to break these habits are~

• Recognize the reality of your inner truth (not what someone has told you, this takes much time!)
• Be aware of boundary invasions, yours or anyone else's (this is hard to recognize if you are still codependent)
• Do not respond to nonsense as if it made sense 
• Build your life on truth (not perceived truth)
• Protect your children (call out "that person is just pretending" if you can see that they are)
• Speak up to break the spells of illusion
• If someone defines someone else, say "what?" "what did you say?" "nonsense" "I heard that".  Let them know you don't buy it.

Ego falls in here (I wrote about this in depth last time), because this is the voice we hear most often, which isn't truth, but is words we've heard somewhere from someone else throughout our life.  Ego can sound like our own voice, as it's so familiar, but can lead us pretty far astray.  Here's a list to tell if it's the ego talking or our still, small voice talking. 

Still small voice~

• short, firm statements
• unemotional, factual
• one message at a time
• leads to commitment
• promotes original solutions
• tells it like it is
• actions relieve stress
• change directions as needed

Ego~

• wordy, pros and cons, reasons why
• anxious, emotional, conflicted
• many insistent opinions all at once
• sets up contradictory goals
• fears rejection and ridicule
• tells it like it should be
• actions increase stress
• is rigidly consistent, resists change

All of this summed up together has to do with our identity.  All of these things mess with who we are, who we think we are, and who we think others are.  Shame damages it, ego damages it, controlling others damages it, and we often need to realign it.  The Christian church at large has damaged it with all of these things as well, and doctrinal truths and falsehoods have always been around to mess with our minds.  God clearly states who we are, and it's possible to get back to that (and highly recommended!)  Below I will add a few prayers out of the book Living Fearless by Jamie Winship who is devoted to helping people rediscover their true identity in Christ.  

"God, help me to pay attention to who You say that I am.  Help me to stop believing lies and accusations as you exchange them for Your truth.  Help me to be aware of what You're doing in my life.  Help me to hear from You, the true Lord God.  Then Lord, would You help me develop action steps in the direction that You have for me?"

"Lord, help us to know the truth of what we believe about ourselves.  In the name of Jesus, I ask You again to clear our minds of other voices.  We want to hear only You, Lord, just the voice of the true Lord Jesus, a voice that doesn't condemn nor accuse, but speaks only the truth in love.  Would You search us now with Your Spirit?  Would You search us and know us?  Lord, would You tell us the false names and the false identities that we believe about ourselves?  Bring them to our mind.  Lord, search us all the way.  Every secret place, every closed place in our hearts, shine Your light in there and show us any false thing, false beliefs or identities that we may believe to be true." 

"Father, sanctify our imagination right now, this great gift you've given us, in order to picture all the things our imagination is for in the future- new ideas, new inventions, new creations.  Guide us in our imaginations right now in Your presence."

When the enemy accuses us or shames us, "God I reject that in the name of Jesus.  Who do You say that I am? I receive who You say that I am before the heavenly realms.  I receive Your words of life to me."

2 Corinthians 10:4-5 (For the weapons of our warfare are not carnal, but mighty through God to the pulling down of strong holds;) Casting down imaginations, and every high thing that exalteth itself against the knowledge of God, and bringing into captivity every thought to the obedience of Christ;

Open My Eyes

1 Open my eyes that I may see

glimpses of truth thou hast for me.

Place in my hands the wonderful key

that shall unclasp and set me free.

Silently now I wait for thee,

ready, my God, thy will to see.

Open my eyes, illumine me,

Spirit divine!

2 Open my ears that I may hear

voices of truth thou sendest clear,

and while the wave notes fall on my ear,

ev’rything false will disappear.

Silently now I wait for thee,

ready, my God, thy will to see.

Open my ears, illumine me,

Spirit divine!

3 Open my mouth and let me bear

gladly the warm truth ev’rywhere.

Open my heart and let me prepare

love with thy children thus to share.

Silently now I wait for thee,

ready, my God, thy will to see.

Open my mouth, illumine me,

Spirit divine!

~Clara Scott (1895)

ego

Earlier this spring I was reading a devotional book, and one of the prayers was about asking for God's abundance (Eph 3:20), and I realized that I've never believed that I deserved God's abundance, only other people did.  I started to ponder how often a scarcity mindset seems to run the show, and that often it does so in an attempt to stay "humble" and not get "prideful". (I put them in quotations as these are beliefs and not actually true.  We can be both at any given time. Remember the "two things are true" idea?!)  But, after a few months of pondering, I came across a book that went into depth about the ego, and realized this is what was driving the train in many aspects of my life, and likely yours too.  So, here is some thoughts in a nutshell.  There's lots of varying ideas about it, and it can get kind of woo-woo really quick, so I'll just keep it to basic beliefs and actions based on those beliefs.  Being honest with ourselves is pretty hard on this one too!!

Ego is the fearful, small-minded part that sees life as limited, scarce, competitive and hard to handle.  It sounds like our own thoughts because it's internal.  It sounds like a "voice of reason", good sense or self-preservation; but instead it is just us reliving our childhood fears and all those comments about us acting "too big for our britches".  The thoughts in our minds now as an adult are remnants from words said to us when we were young and foolish, and are still ringing in our ears now that we are older and fully capable.  This is our ego talking to us.

One thing that may be hard to tell is the difference between our ego and our conscience.  They both seem morally righteous; but the difference is that our conscience leads us to healing, truth and steers us right, whereas the ego is all about fear of rejection.  The ego kills our motivations and direction, while the conscience gives helpful guidance, promotes apologies and encourages the relationships.  Conscience always adds, ego subtracts and robs us of energy.  

Ego is defensive and suspicious, highly emotionally reactive and has an opinion about everything.  Much energy is spent on reactions and fears.  It can be very hard to see the difference from our true self when we've spent most of our lives building up our ego to create an identity.  Now it's time to tear it back down, and reject some of these tightly held lifelong ideas.  To study the actual evidence now vs. what we've been told about ourselves and still believe.

The Ego's "advice" for success: 

1. Chase your tail- this produces nothing but suffering, encourages indecisiveness, worrying about what you did or didn't do, and subtracts from your ability to cope with a situation.
2. Use a cannon to kill a fly- anything worth doing must be done perfectly, putting pointless effort into meaningless things.
3. Put it off- makes even simple tasks seem overwhelming and draining, procrastination is the only way to avoid the endless demands.
4. Figure out who is to blame- "they did it" is the ego's mantra, it sucks you of your own strength because you're always busy blaming someone else. (even God gets blamed regularly)
5. Trust no one- better watch your back, cynicism and suspiciousness are the way to go.  See everyone as the enemy.
6. Suspicion will make you secure- the more you suspect trouble, the more secure you'll be.  If you are always looking for the ways that things could go wrong, you'll truly feel safe.  Don't take anything at face value, life is a lot trickier than you think.  Always fretting will drain and distract you from anything valuable.
7. Think scarcity- as the ego sees it, there's not enough to go around.  Another person's gain is your loss.  Other people will always "get there first" or "use up" the limited amount of success in this world, instead of being inspired or encouraged by those who are successful.
   
8. Survival of the fittest- you believe competition should be cutthroat.  Helpful collaboration is only for weaklings.  You should be able to do everything on  your own.  Independence is revered.
9. Believe you're the best there ever was- your ego assures you that you're the best there ever was.  You're the greatest, the best and once you get going everyone will see that.  Such an inflated ego will ensure you never get going because you truly suspect that you can never live up to those expectations.
10. Anything worth doing should be easy- nothing in life should demand too much sustained effort or be very hard.  If a goal is that hard, and causes anxiety then you weren't supposed to do it.  Success is only a lofty goal, not something that can actually be obtained.
11. Wallow in buyer's remorse- even if you're thrilled at first, the ego will make you suffer regret over your decisions.  You'll wonder if you could have gotten a better interest rate, or you'll notice noises on your new car.  Buyer's remorse only happens when you can't go back.  The point here is maximum regret when you can do nothing about it.  That's ego's destructive satisfaction.
12. Guilt is the highest moral state- the ego assures you of your goodness only if you keep feeling guilty about nothing in particular.  It tells you that guilt, sacrifice and suffering are your ticket to moral superiority.
13. Too good to be true- the ego's last resort, when you are finally getting free and succeeding, is to make you suspicious of the very things you should be grabbing with both hands.
14. Psychic permission- this is a phony ego superpower that allows people to look into the future and know that their efforts towards their dreams will have a bad outcome.  It predicts that your worst fears will come true.  It is the only time many of us are willing to admit and stand behind our psychic powers.
15. Push yourself the extra inch- in an extremely subtle maneuver that can mean the difference between giving up and success, the ego suggests we push ourselves a little further than we really want to go at the moment.  Then we will want to give up.  To test this out, do something you really enjoy a little harder and a little longer than you really want to.  This will mysteriously kill your enthusiasm after a few days and ironically you'll chalk it up to a lack of willpower and not the undermining ego.
16. Punish yourself- every time you make a mistake, the ego tells you to slam yourself hard.  It's not about making a simple error, it's about being inferior.  It somehow convinces you that your fundamental lack of self-worth will give you the incentive to succeed.  That you can hate yourself into success.  Of course this makes no sense, but in moments of weakness we may think it does.

[source...Who You Were Meant to Be]

There are many ways to make changes from this, which I won't delve into, but being aware is step number 1.  Exposing it and calling it out for what it is in our brains, just like with shame.  Don't be victim to it anymore but acknowledge it's sneakiness.  You have to learn to separate your own ideas from the pessimistic hand-me-down ideas from others.  Ego offers plausible alternatives and cautions against embarrassing mistakes, but instead it robs you of your energy and wastes time on meaningless things.  Do not let yourself be absorbed by someone else's rules, restrictions and judgements.  Each time you call out the ego, it loses power and your own strength increases.  All in all, it's just a spoilsport trying to dismantle your happiness. 

Number 2 would be getting used to using the words "I don't know".  Come to peace with the unknown.  The need to figure other people out, the need to make a judgement, the need to form an opinion.  Just get used to saying, "I don't know, I just don't know".  And it's ok to not know.

Eph. 3:20 Now unto Him that is able to do exceeding abundantly

 above all that we ask or think, according to the power that worketh in us,

Ideas that are new to me - part 2

I've spent most of my life feeling less than I should.  Keeping my emotions inside, afraid to let anyone see my true self for fear they wouldn't like me.  It kept me safe from ridicule, my vulnerabilities close to my chest, and gave an edge of superiority on those who couldn't or didn't.  But it was a huge mistake to cope this way. (yes, cope)  It shut me right down inside, and finally made me to be unable to laugh or cry at all.  It was making the mistake of thinking that feeling less meant feeling better- with symptoms that include inability to focus or listen, a mind that hungers for the next distraction, lack of or struggle to control one's appetite, short-temperedness, feet that twitch, a lack of peace and joy.  There's many reasons why we do this, but much of it depends on if we're an introvert or an extrovert and how we dealt with stress as a child.  The extroverts often will respond more in fight modes, whereas the introverts will freeze, fawn or flight (run away); although we all will likely do all of them at different challenges.  Being a people pleaser or shutting down inside are much more tolerable behaviors than anger, but it's a response to stress just the same and starts getting built up inside our bodies over time.  These are the repressions that lead to disease later in life.  Remember, emotions govern structure, and structure governs function.  Teaching emotional regulation to our children is the answer to this all.  Comforting them when they are distressed and absorbing their energy with your own calming energy can be the biggest healer to learning good regulation to stress as an adult.  If you didn't learn this as a child, learning it with your spouse is very healing.  (How We Love book)

I think we can all see ourselves in all the categories below.  Healing from these is essential to peace and joy.

....

How to Have a Difficult Conversation~

There’s nothing worse than having to talk to somebody who you know is going to get upset. Difficult conversations are the worst, but that doesn’t mean you should avoid them. In fact, that’s exactly what you SHOULDN’T do.

Here are 4 techniques for whenever we have to have a difficult conversation. These are ways to stay focused on the outcome you want, rather than the other person’s emotional reaction.  It's best to give the person an advance notice of needing a hard conversation too.  Springing it on them might not end so well.

TRY THIS:

1️⃣ Always start the conversation by acknowledging your responsibility for whatever situation or mess you find yourself in. 

2️⃣ Then tell the person what your goal is for having this conversation. 

3️⃣ Do A LOT of listening and validating the person’s feelings.

4️⃣ Restate the outcome to stay focused on the result you want.

Bonus tip: Try rehearsing the conversation with a friend. Work out the kinks and get comfortable with what you’re going to say.   [source]

Here's another acronym to help too.  Figure these out beforehand and write down if necessary and read it off~

Jefferson Fisher is a lawyer I've been learning from lately how to communicate better.  He has a ton of video shorts on YouTube if you want to learn this stuff too.  Recently I was in a "surprise attack" difficult conversation over something I had said 2-3 years ago and had to jump in with both feet.  I used 4 different of his tactics in explaining myself why I had said what I said, and how to still disagree in a healthy manner and it worked super well.  I was able to be clear and concise, not get emotionally charged (I would have in my old days!) and be confident in what I wanted as the outcome of the conversation.  The tactics I used in this one were (1) point out when you do agree on something (2) do not allow interruptions (the man tried to interrupt several times and I had to say, "I'm not done talking", which I never would have done in my old days; I would have just shut down, got angry and defensive and left) (3) imagine your outcome of the conversation and stick with the goals (4) don't allow emotional takeovers (don't let their bullying or guilt tripping or passive aggression derail your purpose, sort of like #2 but a bit different).

I didn't used to know that you could disagree without getting defensive.  I didn't know that was an option.  Well, turns out you can.  The biggest way is by taking some time to respond not react.  There's a gap in between what was said to you and how you reply back.  The options are to (1) just say what comes to your head immediately as an emotional reaction or (2) think and pray about how to respond for a better outcome.  Even saying, "let me think about this and get back to you" is a good option.  Who knew?!

Realizing why we get reactive can be helpful too.  I didn't ever think about the why but below is a list.  Naming it can be helpful in letting your feelings come forth to ponder (not to defend).  We don't really have to defend anyone or anything, even ourself.  We can be curious as to why someone says something to us, but not take it personally if we know it isn't true, or only partially true.  Even if it is wholly true, asking why the person is saying it and how we can learn and grow from it is still beneficial to us.  Do people avoid telling us the truth for fear of our reaction?  Or is it their tactic?  Is it truth or is it opinion? Or a mix?  Do they say it in a way meant to be kind, loving and helpful?  Do they think they need to reproach us by informing us in some way?   Are we approachable for the hard conversations that need to be had? These all take some time to sort out, so don't respond unless you are confident in your reply.  All relationships need to have hard conversations, so learning to do them better will improve all our relationships.

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Next is learning the difference between can't vs won't.  This seems kind of subtle and even a bit lame, but the differences can be huge.  Often these words are used interchangeably, but they have distinct differences.

• Can't (cannot) denotes an inability to perform a given task.

• Won't (will not) denotes an unwillingness to perform a given task.

Sometimes people can't understand you the way you want to be understood, but sometimes it's that they won't.  How to tell the difference?  Super hard.  Even impossible as we can't read each other's minds, so we won't know their intent unless we ask.  What I did learn is that with can't, compassion should be given for the inability to perform said task, but with won't, a boundary should be placed to limit that behavior.  This of course has much nuance and is a rather gray area but did lead to good questions when trying to decode someone else's behavior.  Can't implies that they are unable but won't implies that they are unwilling.  You can see how the subtle difference will change your responses to their behavior.

The other side of this coin is our own view of ourselves.  Are we limiting ourselves because of what we think and believe?  Do we assume we can't because we won't?  Why not?  Will we not listen to other viewpoints because we can't see their point of view or because we won't?  Are we closed to a variety of options because we can't or won't explore them?  Are we afraid so we believe we can't?  Or are we afraid so we won't?  Do we listen to what others tell us about ourselves and believe in their view of our limitations (however well-meaning they may sound)?  Are we as firmly rooted in our beliefs as we claim, or are we shakier than we claim that other perspectives scare us?

Personality traits to explore...(positive, negative, neutral).

Luke 10:27

And he answering said, Thou shalt love the Lord thy God with all thy heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy strength, and with all thy mind; and thy neighbour as thyself.

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Paying attention to our automatic thoughts.  This one is huge.  Our automatic thoughts are what control our day.  Debra Felita (counselor) says the easiest way to tally these is to grab a piece of paper, put a line down the middle and start writing down every thought that comes to our head for 24 hours.  One the left side of the line, write thoughts about yourself and on the right side write thoughts about other people.  At the end of 24 hours, tally up the (+) and the (-) as far as positive or negative thoughts.   (We actually have to write them all down honestly for this to work!) 70% of our automatic thoughts go unnoticed as we are so used to them that they have become our reality (whether true or not).  How we talk to ourselves is often much worse than how we would dare talk to others.  We can change our automatic thoughts but it takes time and intention, and we have to stop our ruminations.  My counselor really helped me see how limiting my automatic thoughts were, and how damaging they were to my life.  The voices in our heads are the most persuasive and pervasive influence in our lives.  It's as if they are us (they are in our own voice), but they are not.  They may just be damaged belief systems, shame cycles, and things people said in anger to us decades ago that we've never healed.  What are the kinds of negative thoughts that limit us and bring us low?  

Price Pritchett explains these quite well below.  We also have faulty beliefs that "concern" means we care about an issue more than other people do.  Or that "stress" means we're a better employee because it means we care.  We've told ourselves these things to justify our negative thoughts, but it doesn't have to be this way.  Improving our conversation skills will also limit our negative thoughts, because when we can communicate effectively, we don't have to assume things.

• Complaining – Pritchett notes that we complain most about things that are out of our control. To eliminate complaints and focus on improvement is an excellent redirection of energy.  Complaining is more than just expressing dissatisfaction, it's getting stuck in a loop of focusing on problems without seeking solutions. It feels good to complain because it separates you from what’s happening, but it becomes a habit that hinders growth and progress. It’s like a relief valve that feels good the moment it opens up, but when it closes it just fills back up with the same problems.
• Criticism – What role does criticism play in your self-talk? Are you half-empty or half-full? Do you find the good or notice the defect? Do you keep it to yourself, quietly downgrading, or do you find ways to share your observations in a way that encourages and edifies?  At first, pointing out flaws might seem like a way to improve things, but truthfully criticism dulls the shine of achievements and stifles creativity. That’s because criticizing isn’t done with the intention to improve, but rather the intention to bring something down. Shifting from criticism to constructive feedback ignites growth and fosters a more collaborative environment.
• Concern – Pritchett says concern is just old-fashioned worrying. If you inventoried your worries, you’d find that most don’t materialize. Minimize concern.  While having concerns are helpful to serve as warnings and could be positive when coming from a place of caring, it can easily be overdone and turn into worry. We gravitate toward worry because we need a way to express the uncertainty, which evolves into overthinking about things out of our control and is draining.
• Commiserating – The old phrase “misery loves company” comes to mind here. If you’re going to get into the ditch with someone, don’t linger there. Give a helpful hand and a good word. (ask, "How can I help?")  Help them to a better place.  Gathering with friends to share experiences and woes can feel therapeutic initially. But when these discussions get repetitive and stuck in sharing grievances, it can make feeling bad for yourself more acceptable. Ultimately the version of this you’d like to incorporate comes from a place of empathy for others and acceptance for yourself, so that you can reroute your behavior to something more constructive.
• Catastrophizing – Negative thinking makes negative events worse than they are. When you make an event a catastrophe, it takes you off your feet and off your game. Don’t stay there. You can get up. You can step ahead.  This is when things are blown out of proportion and you picture the worst-case scenario. It makes you feel powerless because you’ve made the obstacle out to be so much bigger than it is, and it paralyzes you from feeling like you can take any meaningful action against it. 

[source- The 5 Cs of Negative Thinking]

As you can see, all of these are just a shifting of our mindset, not changing of our actual situations.  These take a ton of mental work but are so freeing and so worth it.  And slowly over time, we will see that our judgement turns to compassion (this is emotional maturity!) as the grief and pain of our old thinking habits and confusing relationships are washed away.  Acknowledging the truth is perhaps the hardest one to acknowledge, when we have many distortions and coping mechanisms blocking out the truth about ourselves and others.  Repenting of these old behaviors and realizing the damage they've caused is pretty hard too though. Thankful for God's grace that covers it all!

Next up...where does our value lie?!

Romans 12:2 And be not conformed to this world: but be ye transformed by the renewing of your mind, that ye may prove what is that good, and acceptable, and perfect, will of God.

Ideas that are new to me - part 1

I'm just going to parse out a few of the topics I've learned about these past few years.  They seem like simple ideas, but I have to admit they are new to me when they are broken down into components.  They have been so helpful on my journey to better health and healing (and joy and peace too!)  Read on...

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Grief vs complaining vs venting vs gossip~

Grief is the active process of letting go of what or who was lost.  It is an emotional, physical, spiritual healing.  It involves the vulnerability of the heart (emotions) not just the mind letting go.  Remember that grief must be shared to be healing, and so it requires an audience.  Grief is the gap between what we expected and what actually is, in any sense.  Our audience however; does not get to decide how long we should hurt for, how much we should hurt or not, nor how we *should* (or shouldn't) to express that hurt.  Pick people who help you heal, not hinder you.  They must be able to handle your pain without taking it on as their own.  (more on codependency below)

Complaining is often venting.  We all do it, and it can be good (processing life's challenges) or bad (avoiding grief).  It feels good, makes us feel validated and most often comes from our brain/ego (thoughts) not our heart (emotions), although they are of course closely linked.  It doesn't let us grieve properly and is only temporary relief as we vent.  There often is no healing in complaining, just prolonging the process.  This prolongs our suffering too, and sometimes we want that (it justifies our victimhood and draws attention to us).  If we never access our heart, complaining will become a way of life and we'll never see healing of the deeper issues. (Often still lurking from childhood when we were too young to know how to express them if we never learned to do so.)  Sometimes we revel in our suffering too, or have learned the message that "life is suffering" and believe that is the only way to be.  If our "cross to bear" is heavy, we must be doing something right!

What's the difference between venting and gossiping then? These can be tricky too.

• You're venting if you're letting off steam about someone or a situation, complaining often doesn't want it solved but is a voicing of dissatisfaction
• You're gossiping if you're trying to change someone's opinion about a person (common enemy alliances form many unhealthy bonds between people)
• You're gossiping if you share personal details without permission (source)

When we cling to our suffering, we are also likely getting something out of it.  Is it a way to avoid something else?  Are we ignoring other things we don't want to admit or face?  Does endless rumination or speculation ever benefit us?  Sometimes it feels like life is a game of whack a mole, and we spend most of our energy putting out fires in our minds and lives.  It doesn't have to be like this!  We can have joy and peace in our relationships, homes and hearts.  We should emanate the joy of the Lord!!  Counseling with an outside source can help us determine all of this and heal those areas where we struggle that we often aren't even aware of.  "If you always do what you've always done, you'll always get what you've always gotten."  Learning new skills can be essential to healing and to growth.  None of us wants to stay stagnant, but growth can be daunting too.

The biggest takeaway from defining these words (I'm barely scratching the surface here, as Greg and I were discussing it later, there are way more differences and similarities between the words), is to check yourself as you speak to others and to ask things like, Am I looking for healing? To let off steam?  Is this a recurrent complaint that I do or don't want to solve?  Am I playing the victim or am I in charge of my own choices and life?  And as a listener, asking the same sorts of questions...Do you want me to offer some suggestions or for me to just listen?  How can I support you most?  Assuming someone is complaining when they're grieving isn't helpful, or assuming someone needs help when they just need comfort isn't helpful either.  Putting a name to what we're feeling is so helpful as we communicate with others and what we expect of them and of ourselves.  I'd say a huge part of communication goes south because these kind of things are assumed and not clarified.

Proverbs 20:5 says "Counsel in the heart of man is like deep water; 

but a man of understanding will draw it out."

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Counseling benefits~

Counseling is for growth.  If we think it's so someone will sympathize with our pain and just be a place to unload; we're wrong.  Their job is to understand our perspective, but not necessarily endorse it.  We'll need to be accountable and vulnerable.  Their job is to help people see themselves in a mirror clearly, so they can grow and heal on their own.  They do not provide answers, solve problems nor take sides.  The amount we can heal depends on how willing we are to sit in our own discomfort and learn and grow from there.  They can teach us to be less depressed or anxious, less defensive and less reactive, less judgmental and more compassionate (to ourselves and others).  "Most things worth doing are difficult" is the long term goal.  Short term discomfort is necessary to get there.  It causes us to see ourselves as we normally would not choose to or have never been able to.  The client can then take a look at that reflection and say "now what do I do?" or choose to turn away in denial as they've done in the past.  Typically, most success comes in the first 15 sessions or so.  People shouldn't need counseling endlessly.  After the first year on a 2 week visit schedule, you should have addressed the major issues and be able to carry on successfully.  If you haven't come to a point where you don't need them anymore after the first year (on a 2 week schedule), they aren't helping you.  They may be pandering to you, but are not helping you grow.  You need to do the homework in order to succeed.  Of course, new life challenges will come up and you may need to go back and get refreshers on how to handle new situations, but overall these are the statistics.

What kind of things can we heal through Christian counseling?  Well, paying attention to our dreams can be a start.  What do we dream about?  Are your dreams peaceful or anxious?  In present time or in the past?  What are we afraid of?

"We humans are all afraid of hurt, of being humiliated, of failure and of success.  We are afraid of being alone and afraid of connection.  We are afraid to listen to what our hearts are really telling us.  We are afraid of being unhappy and afraid of being too happy.  We are afraid of bad health and good fortune.  We are afraid of not having our parents' approval and afraid of accepting ourselves as we really are.  We are afraid of envy and of having too much.  We are afraid of having hope in things we might not get.  We are afraid of something happening to our kids and our spouses and our jobs.  We are afraid of not having control and afraid of our own power.  We are afraid of how briefly we are alive, and afraid of how long we'll be dead.  We are afraid that when we die, we won't have mattered.  We are afraid of being responsible for our own lives."  ~Lori Gottlieb

Proverbs 15:22   Without counsel purposes are disappointed: 

But in the multitude of counsellors they are established.

Counseling also addresses our need for drama in our lives.  Most unhealed people are sucked into other people's problems and crises, unfair issues and policies and seem to go from one calamity to another. (And we think this is because we care about others so much!) This is done to avoid the chaos in our own hearts and minds, and is a form of self-medication.  If we are honest, we really often only care about other people's bad news, not their good news as that has no drama in it.  An honest question to clarify this would be- How much time do we spend discussing other people's good news and successes?  Compared to bad?

A counselor will also not tell you what to do, because all of us resent this.  We all want autonomy and agency over our own lives, and when someone gives out unsolicited advice, it strips us of this.  Ask yourself if you had a creative idea, if someone came in and took it from you, "improved" it with their own ideas, would you still want to do it?  Would you still think it's your idea anymore?  This is what happens with unsolicited advice.  When we assume we know better than someone else knows about their very own life, we suck the life (and capability and autonomy) out of them with our advice.  There's even words for this which none of us want to admit we are one!  Interestingly, now that I'm healing, I have no interest in the drama of others. (I used to!)  I don't need to give advice, I don't need to feel obligated to take a side with someone's story.  I can empathize, but do it objectively.  I still struggle with the empathetic responses instead of fix-it solutions, but it's getting better little by little.  But, life can be boring with no other people's drama to have an opinion on, I'll admit!

kibitz: to look on and offer unwanted advice to others

quidnunc: a person eager to learn news and scandal

know-it-all: is a person who imparts the correct way to do something, or other information, with a sense of superiority 

How does this happen?  Slowly over time there is a 5 step process that our brains take in order to change our mindsets.  A counselor cannot make these happen, but they assist in the process.

1. Pre-contemplation- often more looks like denial that there is even something that needs changing, people get irritated if you mention a problem, and often the information just needs to be given in general terms and the persuading is done on their own brain in their own time and in their own way.
2. Contemplation- is ambivalence, it's resistance to a problem.  Willing to talk about the problem but not willing or able to do anything about it yet. (people often start counseling at this point) People often procrastinate or self-sabotage at this point to put off making changes they know need to be made.  The loss of the old and the anxiety of the new is daunting.
3. Preparation- time to face the battles, being brutally honest with the changes that need to be made.  Time to make new habits and commit to new accountabilities.
4. Action- doing it and following through.  This is the hardest part...getting out of the old habits and into the new.  There's often a lot of pushback from those around us who are used to the old.
5. Maintenance- the stage where there's been a significant amount of time after the changes have been made. Often breaking free from old habits of substance abuse, other people's drama, negativity and self-defeating ways of living, and living a life of less reactivity and calmness of body and spirit seems alienlike for a while but then is so freeing and peaceful!

The infographic below is helpful for ideas to be empathetic without giving unsolicited advice.

Here's more info on codependency.  I am still navigating getting away from this.  It's been a huge part of my identity and life, bending to the alleged needs of others in order to feel worthy, accepted and needed.  Breaking free has been super hard, because those roles are firmly established, especially with close family and friends.

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Either/or vs both/and thinking

One of the new-to-me concepts I've also learned in counseling is pretty simple and that is both/and vs either/or thinking.  I hope we all do it already, but seeing it laid out, I knew that I was pretty unfamiliar with it in depth.  For some reason, our society has come up with the idea that thoughts must be either/or.  If I'm right, then you must be wrong.  If I am feeling one thing, then I can't be feeling another.  If I have a burden, then it must be worse or better than someone else's.  This of course leads to a ton of judgement and comparing whose pain is worse and who "deserves" compassion or not.  Either/or belief systems are very heavy on my way or your way, without seeing that most topics are 50+ shades of gray, so to speak.  Very few things are black and white only.  There's room for everyone's ideas, everyone's pain, everyone's feelings.  These aren't limited by our inability to see or acknowledge them.  This idea was new to me in that if someone else had a belief about something, and I disagreed with them, I felt that I must be wrong in order for them to be right. (Shame, there you are again!) You can see how limiting this can be.  We can both be right for our own list of reasons from our own life experiences.  

The only *alleged* downside to the both/and belief system is that it will reduce your arguing with others.  When we can see many sides of a situation, it takes us off our moral high horse and leads to conversations with understanding for someone else's point of view.  It levels the playing field and helps us try to understand one another rather than trying to convince them that either I'm right or you're right. Either/or thinking basically simplifies complex topics, which are full of important nuance and clarifying details.  It also makes us more approachable and flexible, and reduces assumptions and blaming.  Being unteachable is not a Christian virtue.  We are all a work in progress, and God's not done with any of us yet!  It's also realizing that none of us has the monopoly on truth.

Things that are both/and at the same time, not either/or (just quickly off the top of my head).  These are the dichotomies of a day in the life of a Christian!

Sinner and saint

Deserving and undeserving

Redeemed and fallible

Confident and fearful

Prideful and humble

Earthly and heavenly minded

Needed and needing

Faithful and doubting

Grace filled and judgmental

Hopeful and doubting

Right and wrong

Forgiving and hurt

Obedient and resisting

Joy and grief/sadness

Over spiritualizing and under spiritualizing

Pious and negligent

Also words like bittersweet and spendthrift (someone who has a lot of money by being thrifty) too

In parenting these issues come up too, and they don't have to be one or the other.  Both have their own list of pros and cons.  One isn't right, so the other must be wrong.  This is so divisive to think this way.

Home birth vs hospital birth

Homeschool vs public vs private

Vax vs unvaxx

Cosleep vs not 

and on and on ad nauseum...

It's also things like worrying when your teens are out late and still being able to sleep when they aren't home yet.

Here's some infographics that help explain it further:

Another way that it is mentioned is called dialectical thinking (vs linear or binary).

This also then means~

1. I don't have to share my opinion, but only if I want to (I can still have one)
2. I don't have to take a side (there's often not just 2 sides, there's many)
3. I don't need to try fix/change anyone
4. I don't need to try to change someone else's opinion
5. I don't need to defend my choices (but I will own them)
6. I can have my own firm beliefs
7. I'm not obligated to engage in an issue (it's my choice)
8. I can stand up for myself clearly and concisely
9. I have the same value as everyone else

(And the same is true for you!)

Dear Lord, We pray that you will deliver us from anything that binds us. Enable us to see the work of the evil one, and strengthen us against him.  Set us free from anything that keeps us from becoming all You made us to be.  We know you have a wonderful plan for our lives which includes deliverance, healing and restoration.  Help us to never settle for less than all You have for us. We look to You as our healer and restorer.  Amen.

Joel 2:25 And I will restore to you the years that the locust hath eaten...