ego

Earlier this spring I was reading a devotional book, and one of the prayers was about asking for God's abundance (Eph 3:20), and I realized that I've never believed that I deserved God's abundance, only other people did.  I started to ponder how often a scarcity mindset seems to run the show, and that often it does so in an attempt to stay "humble" and not get "prideful". (I put them in quotations as these are beliefs and not actually true.  We can be both at any given time. Remember the "two things are true" idea?!)  But, after a few months of pondering, I came across a book that went into depth about the ego, and realized this is what was driving the train in many aspects of my life, and likely yours too.  So, here is some thoughts in a nutshell.  There's lots of varying ideas about it, and it can get kind of woo-woo really quick, so I'll just keep it to basic beliefs and actions based on those beliefs.  Being honest with ourselves is pretty hard on this one too!!

Ego is the fearful, small-minded part that sees life as limited, scarce, competitive and hard to handle.  It sounds like our own thoughts because it's internal.  It sounds like a "voice of reason", good sense or self-preservation; but instead it is just us reliving our childhood fears and all those comments about us acting "too big for our britches".  The thoughts in our minds now as an adult are remnants from words said to us when we were young and foolish, and are still ringing in our ears now that we are older and fully capable.  This is our ego talking to us.

One thing that may be hard to tell is the difference between our ego and our conscience.  They both seem morally righteous; but the difference is that our conscience leads us to healing, truth and steers us right, whereas the ego is all about fear of rejection.  The ego kills our motivations and direction, while the conscience gives helpful guidance, promotes apologies and encourages the relationships.  Conscience always adds, ego subtracts and robs us of energy.  

Ego is defensive and suspicious, highly emotionally reactive and has an opinion about everything.  Much energy is spent on reactions and fears.  It can be very hard to see the difference from our true self when we've spent most of our lives building up our ego to create an identity.  Now it's time to tear it back down, and reject some of these tightly held lifelong ideas.  To study the actual evidence now vs. what we've been told about ourselves and still believe.

The Ego's "advice" for success: 

1. Chase your tail- this produces nothing but suffering, encourages indecisiveness, worrying about what you did or didn't do, and subtracts from your ability to cope with a situation.
2. Use a cannon to kill a fly- anything worth doing must be done perfectly, putting pointless effort into meaningless things.
3. Put it off- makes even simple tasks seem overwhelming and draining, procrastination is the only way to avoid the endless demands.
4. Figure out who is to blame- "they did it" is the ego's mantra, it sucks you of your own strength because you're always busy blaming someone else. (even God gets blamed regularly)
5. Trust no one- better watch your back, cynicism and suspiciousness are the way to go.  See everyone as the enemy.
6. Suspicion will make you secure- the more you suspect trouble, the more secure you'll be.  If you are always looking for the ways that things could go wrong, you'll truly feel safe.  Don't take anything at face value, life is a lot trickier than you think.  Always fretting will drain and distract you from anything valuable.
7. Think scarcity- as the ego sees it, there's not enough to go around.  Another person's gain is your loss.  Other people will always "get there first" or "use up" the limited amount of success in this world, instead of being inspired or encouraged by those who are successful.
   
8. Survival of the fittest- you believe competition should be cutthroat.  Helpful collaboration is only for weaklings.  You should be able to do everything on  your own.  Independence is revered.
9. Believe you're the best there ever was- your ego assures you that you're the best there ever was.  You're the greatest, the best and once you get going everyone will see that.  Such an inflated ego will ensure you never get going because you truly suspect that you can never live up to those expectations.
10. Anything worth doing should be easy- nothing in life should demand too much sustained effort or be very hard.  If a goal is that hard, and causes anxiety then you weren't supposed to do it.  Success is only a lofty goal, not something that can actually be obtained.
11. Wallow in buyer's remorse- even if you're thrilled at first, the ego will make you suffer regret over your decisions.  You'll wonder if you could have gotten a better interest rate, or you'll notice noises on your new car.  Buyer's remorse only happens when you can't go back.  The point here is maximum regret when you can do nothing about it.  That's ego's destructive satisfaction.
12. Guilt is the highest moral state- the ego assures you of your goodness only if you keep feeling guilty about nothing in particular.  It tells you that guilt, sacrifice and suffering are your ticket to moral superiority.
13. Too good to be true- the ego's last resort, when you are finally getting free and succeeding, is to make you suspicious of the very things you should be grabbing with both hands.
14. Psychic permission- this is a phony ego superpower that allows people to look into the future and know that their efforts towards their dreams will have a bad outcome.  It predicts that your worst fears will come true.  It is the only time many of us are willing to admit and stand behind our psychic powers.
15. Push yourself the extra inch- in an extremely subtle maneuver that can mean the difference between giving up and success, the ego suggests we push ourselves a little further than we really want to go at the moment.  Then we will want to give up.  To test this out, do something you really enjoy a little harder and a little longer than you really want to.  This will mysteriously kill your enthusiasm after a few days and ironically you'll chalk it up to a lack of willpower and not the undermining ego.
16. Punish yourself- every time you make a mistake, the ego tells you to slam yourself hard.  It's not about making a simple error, it's about being inferior.  It somehow convinces you that your fundamental lack of self-worth will give you the incentive to succeed.  That you can hate yourself into success.  Of course this makes no sense, but in moments of weakness we may think it does.

[source...Who You Were Meant to Be]

There are many ways to make changes from this, which I won't delve into, but being aware is step number 1.  Exposing it and calling it out for what it is in our brains, just like with shame.  Don't be victim to it anymore but acknowledge it's sneakiness.  You have to learn to separate your own ideas from the pessimistic hand-me-down ideas from others.  Ego offers plausible alternatives and cautions against embarrassing mistakes, but instead it robs you of your energy and wastes time on meaningless things.  Do not let yourself be absorbed by someone else's rules, restrictions and judgements.  Each time you call out the ego, it loses power and your own strength increases.  All in all, it's just a spoilsport trying to dismantle your happiness. 

Number 2 would be getting used to using the words "I don't know".  Come to peace with the unknown.  The need to figure other people out, the need to make a judgement, the need to form an opinion.  Just get used to saying, "I don't know, I just don't know".  And it's ok to not know.

Eph. 3:20 Now unto Him that is able to do exceeding abundantly

 above all that we ask or think, according to the power that worketh in us,

Ideas that are new to me - part 2

I've spent most of my life feeling less than I should.  Keeping my emotions inside, afraid to let anyone see my true self for fear they wouldn't like me.  It kept me safe from ridicule, my vulnerabilities close to my chest, and gave an edge of superiority on those who couldn't or didn't.  But it was a huge mistake to cope this way. (yes, cope)  It shut me right down inside, and finally made me to be unable to laugh or cry at all.  It was making the mistake of thinking that feeling less meant feeling better- with symptoms that include inability to focus or listen, a mind that hungers for the next distraction, lack of or struggle to control one's appetite, short-temperedness, feet that twitch, a lack of peace and joy.  There's many reasons why we do this, but much of it depends on if we're an introvert or an extrovert and how we dealt with stress as a child.  The extroverts often will respond more in fight modes, whereas the introverts will freeze, fawn or flight (run away); although we all will likely do all of them at different challenges.  Being a people pleaser or shutting down inside are much more tolerable behaviors than anger, but it's a response to stress just the same and starts getting built up inside our bodies over time.  These are the repressions that lead to disease later in life.  Remember, emotions govern structure, and structure governs function.  Teaching emotional regulation to our children is the answer to this all.  Comforting them when they are distressed and absorbing their energy with your own calming energy can be the biggest healer to learning good regulation to stress as an adult.  If you didn't learn this as a child, learning it with your spouse is very healing.  (How We Love book)

I think we can all see ourselves in all the categories below.  Healing from these is essential to peace and joy.

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How to Have a Difficult Conversation~

There’s nothing worse than having to talk to somebody who you know is going to get upset. Difficult conversations are the worst, but that doesn’t mean you should avoid them. In fact, that’s exactly what you SHOULDN’T do.

Here are 4 techniques for whenever we have to have a difficult conversation. These are ways to stay focused on the outcome you want, rather than the other person’s emotional reaction.  It's best to give the person an advance notice of needing a hard conversation too.  Springing it on them might not end so well.

TRY THIS:

1️⃣ Always start the conversation by acknowledging your responsibility for whatever situation or mess you find yourself in. 

2️⃣ Then tell the person what your goal is for having this conversation. 

3️⃣ Do A LOT of listening and validating the person’s feelings.

4️⃣ Restate the outcome to stay focused on the result you want.

Bonus tip: Try rehearsing the conversation with a friend. Work out the kinks and get comfortable with what you’re going to say.   [source]

Here's another acronym to help too.  Figure these out beforehand and write down if necessary and read it off~

Jefferson Fisher is a lawyer I've been learning from lately how to communicate better.  He has a ton of video shorts on YouTube if you want to learn this stuff too.  Recently I was in a "surprise attack" difficult conversation over something I had said 2-3 years ago and had to jump in with both feet.  I used 4 different of his tactics in explaining myself why I had said what I said, and how to still disagree in a healthy manner and it worked super well.  I was able to be clear and concise, not get emotionally charged (I would have in my old days!) and be confident in what I wanted as the outcome of the conversation.  The tactics I used in this one were (1) point out when you do agree on something (2) do not allow interruptions (the man tried to interrupt several times and I had to say, "I'm not done talking", which I never would have done in my old days; I would have just shut down, got angry and defensive and left) (3) imagine your outcome of the conversation and stick with the goals (4) don't allow emotional takeovers (don't let their bullying or guilt tripping or passive aggression derail your purpose, sort of like #2 but a bit different).

I didn't used to know that you could disagree without getting defensive.  I didn't know that was an option.  Well, turns out you can.  The biggest way is by taking some time to respond not react.  There's a gap in between what was said to you and how you reply back.  The options are to (1) just say what comes to your head immediately as an emotional reaction or (2) think and pray about how to respond for a better outcome.  Even saying, "let me think about this and get back to you" is a good option.  Who knew?!

Realizing why we get reactive can be helpful too.  I didn't ever think about the why but below is a list.  Naming it can be helpful in letting your feelings come forth to ponder (not to defend).  We don't really have to defend anyone or anything, even ourself.  We can be curious as to why someone says something to us, but not take it personally if we know it isn't true, or only partially true.  Even if it is wholly true, asking why the person is saying it and how we can learn and grow from it is still beneficial to us.  Do people avoid telling us the truth for fear of our reaction?  Or is it their tactic?  Is it truth or is it opinion? Or a mix?  Do they say it in a way meant to be kind, loving and helpful?  Do they think they need to reproach us by informing us in some way?   Are we approachable for the hard conversations that need to be had? These all take some time to sort out, so don't respond unless you are confident in your reply.  All relationships need to have hard conversations, so learning to do them better will improve all our relationships.

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Next is learning the difference between can't vs won't.  This seems kind of subtle and even a bit lame, but the differences can be huge.  Often these words are used interchangeably, but they have distinct differences.

• Can't (cannot) denotes an inability to perform a given task.

• Won't (will not) denotes an unwillingness to perform a given task.

Sometimes people can't understand you the way you want to be understood, but sometimes it's that they won't.  How to tell the difference?  Super hard.  Even impossible as we can't read each other's minds, so we won't know their intent unless we ask.  What I did learn is that with can't, compassion should be given for the inability to perform said task, but with won't, a boundary should be placed to limit that behavior.  This of course has much nuance and is a rather gray area but did lead to good questions when trying to decode someone else's behavior.  Can't implies that they are unable but won't implies that they are unwilling.  You can see how the subtle difference will change your responses to their behavior.

The other side of this coin is our own view of ourselves.  Are we limiting ourselves because of what we think and believe?  Do we assume we can't because we won't?  Why not?  Will we not listen to other viewpoints because we can't see their point of view or because we won't?  Are we closed to a variety of options because we can't or won't explore them?  Are we afraid so we believe we can't?  Or are we afraid so we won't?  Do we listen to what others tell us about ourselves and believe in their view of our limitations (however well-meaning they may sound)?  Are we as firmly rooted in our beliefs as we claim, or are we shakier than we claim that other perspectives scare us?

Personality traits to explore...(positive, negative, neutral).

Luke 10:27

And he answering said, Thou shalt love the Lord thy God with all thy heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy strength, and with all thy mind; and thy neighbour as thyself.

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Paying attention to our automatic thoughts.  This one is huge.  Our automatic thoughts are what control our day.  Debra Felita (counselor) says the easiest way to tally these is to grab a piece of paper, put a line down the middle and start writing down every thought that comes to our head for 24 hours.  One the left side of the line, write thoughts about yourself and on the right side write thoughts about other people.  At the end of 24 hours, tally up the (+) and the (-) as far as positive or negative thoughts.   (We actually have to write them all down honestly for this to work!) 70% of our automatic thoughts go unnoticed as we are so used to them that they have become our reality (whether true or not).  How we talk to ourselves is often much worse than how we would dare talk to others.  We can change our automatic thoughts but it takes time and intention, and we have to stop our ruminations.  My counselor really helped me see how limiting my automatic thoughts were, and how damaging they were to my life.  The voices in our heads are the most persuasive and pervasive influence in our lives.  It's as if they are us (they are in our own voice), but they are not.  They may just be damaged belief systems, shame cycles, and things people said in anger to us decades ago that we've never healed.  What are the kinds of negative thoughts that limit us and bring us low?  

Price Pritchett explains these quite well below.  We also have faulty beliefs that "concern" means we care about an issue more than other people do.  Or that "stress" means we're a better employee because it means we care.  We've told ourselves these things to justify our negative thoughts, but it doesn't have to be this way.  Improving our conversation skills will also limit our negative thoughts, because when we can communicate effectively, we don't have to assume things.

• Complaining – Pritchett notes that we complain most about things that are out of our control. To eliminate complaints and focus on improvement is an excellent redirection of energy.  Complaining is more than just expressing dissatisfaction, it's getting stuck in a loop of focusing on problems without seeking solutions. It feels good to complain because it separates you from what’s happening, but it becomes a habit that hinders growth and progress. It’s like a relief valve that feels good the moment it opens up, but when it closes it just fills back up with the same problems.
• Criticism – What role does criticism play in your self-talk? Are you half-empty or half-full? Do you find the good or notice the defect? Do you keep it to yourself, quietly downgrading, or do you find ways to share your observations in a way that encourages and edifies?  At first, pointing out flaws might seem like a way to improve things, but truthfully criticism dulls the shine of achievements and stifles creativity. That’s because criticizing isn’t done with the intention to improve, but rather the intention to bring something down. Shifting from criticism to constructive feedback ignites growth and fosters a more collaborative environment.
• Concern – Pritchett says concern is just old-fashioned worrying. If you inventoried your worries, you’d find that most don’t materialize. Minimize concern.  While having concerns are helpful to serve as warnings and could be positive when coming from a place of caring, it can easily be overdone and turn into worry. We gravitate toward worry because we need a way to express the uncertainty, which evolves into overthinking about things out of our control and is draining.
• Commiserating – The old phrase “misery loves company” comes to mind here. If you’re going to get into the ditch with someone, don’t linger there. Give a helpful hand and a good word. (ask, "How can I help?")  Help them to a better place.  Gathering with friends to share experiences and woes can feel therapeutic initially. But when these discussions get repetitive and stuck in sharing grievances, it can make feeling bad for yourself more acceptable. Ultimately the version of this you’d like to incorporate comes from a place of empathy for others and acceptance for yourself, so that you can reroute your behavior to something more constructive.
• Catastrophizing – Negative thinking makes negative events worse than they are. When you make an event a catastrophe, it takes you off your feet and off your game. Don’t stay there. You can get up. You can step ahead.  This is when things are blown out of proportion and you picture the worst-case scenario. It makes you feel powerless because you’ve made the obstacle out to be so much bigger than it is, and it paralyzes you from feeling like you can take any meaningful action against it. 

[source- The 5 Cs of Negative Thinking]

As you can see, all of these are just a shifting of our mindset, not changing of our actual situations.  These take a ton of mental work but are so freeing and so worth it.  And slowly over time, we will see that our judgement turns to compassion (this is emotional maturity!) as the grief and pain of our old thinking habits and confusing relationships are washed away.  Acknowledging the truth is perhaps the hardest one to acknowledge, when we have many distortions and coping mechanisms blocking out the truth about ourselves and others.  Repenting of these old behaviors and realizing the damage they've caused is pretty hard too though. Thankful for God's grace that covers it all!

Next up...where does our value lie?!

Romans 12:2 And be not conformed to this world: but be ye transformed by the renewing of your mind, that ye may prove what is that good, and acceptable, and perfect, will of God.

Ideas that are new to me - part 1

I'm just going to parse out a few of the topics I've learned about these past few years.  They seem like simple ideas, but I have to admit they are new to me when they are broken down into components.  They have been so helpful on my journey to better health and healing (and joy and peace too!)  Read on...

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Grief vs complaining vs venting vs gossip~

Grief is the active process of letting go of what or who was lost.  It is an emotional, physical, spiritual healing.  It involves the vulnerability of the heart (emotions) not just the mind letting go.  Remember that grief must be shared to be healing, and so it requires an audience.  Grief is the gap between what we expected and what actually is, in any sense.  Our audience however; does not get to decide how long we should hurt for, how much we should hurt or not, nor how we *should* (or shouldn't) to express that hurt.  Pick people who help you heal, not hinder you.  They must be able to handle your pain without taking it on as their own.  (more on codependency below)

Complaining is often venting.  We all do it, and it can be good (processing life's challenges) or bad (avoiding grief).  It feels good, makes us feel validated and most often comes from our brain/ego (thoughts) not our heart (emotions), although they are of course closely linked.  It doesn't let us grieve properly and is only temporary relief as we vent.  There often is no healing in complaining, just prolonging the process.  This prolongs our suffering too, and sometimes we want that (it justifies our victimhood and draws attention to us).  If we never access our heart, complaining will become a way of life and we'll never see healing of the deeper issues. (Often still lurking from childhood when we were too young to know how to express them if we never learned to do so.)  Sometimes we revel in our suffering too, or have learned the message that "life is suffering" and believe that is the only way to be.  If our "cross to bear" is heavy, we must be doing something right!

What's the difference between venting and gossiping then? These can be tricky too.

• You're venting if you're letting off steam about someone or a situation, complaining often doesn't want it solved but is a voicing of dissatisfaction
• You're gossiping if you're trying to change someone's opinion about a person (common enemy alliances form many unhealthy bonds between people)
• You're gossiping if you share personal details without permission (source)

When we cling to our suffering, we are also likely getting something out of it.  Is it a way to avoid something else?  Are we ignoring other things we don't want to admit or face?  Does endless rumination or speculation ever benefit us?  Sometimes it feels like life is a game of whack a mole, and we spend most of our energy putting out fires in our minds and lives.  It doesn't have to be like this!  We can have joy and peace in our relationships, homes and hearts.  We should emanate the joy of the Lord!!  Counseling with an outside source can help us determine all of this and heal those areas where we struggle that we often aren't even aware of.  "If you always do what you've always done, you'll always get what you've always gotten."  Learning new skills can be essential to healing and to growth.  None of us wants to stay stagnant, but growth can be daunting too.

The biggest takeaway from defining these words (I'm barely scratching the surface here, as Greg and I were discussing it later, there are way more differences and similarities between the words), is to check yourself as you speak to others and to ask things like, Am I looking for healing? To let off steam?  Is this a recurrent complaint that I do or don't want to solve?  Am I playing the victim or am I in charge of my own choices and life?  And as a listener, asking the same sorts of questions...Do you want me to offer some suggestions or for me to just listen?  How can I support you most?  Assuming someone is complaining when they're grieving isn't helpful, or assuming someone needs help when they just need comfort isn't helpful either.  Putting a name to what we're feeling is so helpful as we communicate with others and what we expect of them and of ourselves.  I'd say a huge part of communication goes south because these kind of things are assumed and not clarified.

Proverbs 20:5 says "Counsel in the heart of man is like deep water; 

but a man of understanding will draw it out."

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Counseling benefits~

Counseling is for growth.  If we think it's so someone will sympathize with our pain and just be a place to unload; we're wrong.  Their job is to understand our perspective, but not necessarily endorse it.  We'll need to be accountable and vulnerable.  Their job is to help people see themselves in a mirror clearly, so they can grow and heal on their own.  They do not provide answers, solve problems nor take sides.  The amount we can heal depends on how willing we are to sit in our own discomfort and learn and grow from there.  They can teach us to be less depressed or anxious, less defensive and less reactive, less judgmental and more compassionate (to ourselves and others).  "Most things worth doing are difficult" is the long term goal.  Short term discomfort is necessary to get there.  It causes us to see ourselves as we normally would not choose to or have never been able to.  The client can then take a look at that reflection and say "now what do I do?" or choose to turn away in denial as they've done in the past.  Typically, most success comes in the first 15 sessions or so.  People shouldn't need counseling endlessly.  After the first year on a 2 week visit schedule, you should have addressed the major issues and be able to carry on successfully.  If you haven't come to a point where you don't need them anymore after the first year (on a 2 week schedule), they aren't helping you.  They may be pandering to you, but are not helping you grow.  You need to do the homework in order to succeed.  Of course, new life challenges will come up and you may need to go back and get refreshers on how to handle new situations, but overall these are the statistics.

What kind of things can we heal through Christian counseling?  Well, paying attention to our dreams can be a start.  What do we dream about?  Are your dreams peaceful or anxious?  In present time or in the past?  What are we afraid of?

"We humans are all afraid of hurt, of being humiliated, of failure and of success.  We are afraid of being alone and afraid of connection.  We are afraid to listen to what our hearts are really telling us.  We are afraid of being unhappy and afraid of being too happy.  We are afraid of bad health and good fortune.  We are afraid of not having our parents' approval and afraid of accepting ourselves as we really are.  We are afraid of envy and of having too much.  We are afraid of having hope in things we might not get.  We are afraid of something happening to our kids and our spouses and our jobs.  We are afraid of not having control and afraid of our own power.  We are afraid of how briefly we are alive, and afraid of how long we'll be dead.  We are afraid that when we die, we won't have mattered.  We are afraid of being responsible for our own lives."  ~Lori Gottlieb

Proverbs 15:22   Without counsel purposes are disappointed: 

But in the multitude of counsellors they are established.

Counseling also addresses our need for drama in our lives.  Most unhealed people are sucked into other people's problems and crises, unfair issues and policies and seem to go from one calamity to another. (And we think this is because we care about others so much!) This is done to avoid the chaos in our own hearts and minds, and is a form of self-medication.  If we are honest, we really often only care about other people's bad news, not their good news as that has no drama in it.  An honest question to clarify this would be- How much time do we spend discussing other people's good news and successes?  Compared to bad?

A counselor will also not tell you what to do, because all of us resent this.  We all want autonomy and agency over our own lives, and when someone gives out unsolicited advice, it strips us of this.  Ask yourself if you had a creative idea, if someone came in and took it from you, "improved" it with their own ideas, would you still want to do it?  Would you still think it's your idea anymore?  This is what happens with unsolicited advice.  When we assume we know better than someone else knows about their very own life, we suck the life (and capability and autonomy) out of them with our advice.  There's even words for this which none of us want to admit we are one!  Interestingly, now that I'm healing, I have no interest in the drama of others. (I used to!)  I don't need to give advice, I don't need to feel obligated to take a side with someone's story.  I can empathize, but do it objectively.  I still struggle with the empathetic responses instead of fix-it solutions, but it's getting better little by little.  But, life can be boring with no other people's drama to have an opinion on, I'll admit!

kibitz: to look on and offer unwanted advice to others

quidnunc: a person eager to learn news and scandal

know-it-all: is a person who imparts the correct way to do something, or other information, with a sense of superiority 

How does this happen?  Slowly over time there is a 5 step process that our brains take in order to change our mindsets.  A counselor cannot make these happen, but they assist in the process.

1. Pre-contemplation- often more looks like denial that there is even something that needs changing, people get irritated if you mention a problem, and often the information just needs to be given in general terms and the persuading is done on their own brain in their own time and in their own way.
2. Contemplation- is ambivalence, it's resistance to a problem.  Willing to talk about the problem but not willing or able to do anything about it yet. (people often start counseling at this point) People often procrastinate or self-sabotage at this point to put off making changes they know need to be made.  The loss of the old and the anxiety of the new is daunting.
3. Preparation- time to face the battles, being brutally honest with the changes that need to be made.  Time to make new habits and commit to new accountabilities.
4. Action- doing it and following through.  This is the hardest part...getting out of the old habits and into the new.  There's often a lot of pushback from those around us who are used to the old.
5. Maintenance- the stage where there's been a significant amount of time after the changes have been made. Often breaking free from old habits of substance abuse, other people's drama, negativity and self-defeating ways of living, and living a life of less reactivity and calmness of body and spirit seems alienlike for a while but then is so freeing and peaceful!

The infographic below is helpful for ideas to be empathetic without giving unsolicited advice.

Here's more info on codependency.  I am still navigating getting away from this.  It's been a huge part of my identity and life, bending to the alleged needs of others in order to feel worthy, accepted and needed.  Breaking free has been super hard, because those roles are firmly established, especially with close family and friends.

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Either/or vs both/and thinking

One of the new-to-me concepts I've also learned in counseling is pretty simple and that is both/and vs either/or thinking.  I hope we all do it already, but seeing it laid out, I knew that I was pretty unfamiliar with it in depth.  For some reason, our society has come up with the idea that thoughts must be either/or.  If I'm right, then you must be wrong.  If I am feeling one thing, then I can't be feeling another.  If I have a burden, then it must be worse or better than someone else's.  This of course leads to a ton of judgement and comparing whose pain is worse and who "deserves" compassion or not.  Either/or belief systems are very heavy on my way or your way, without seeing that most topics are 50+ shades of gray, so to speak.  Very few things are black and white only.  There's room for everyone's ideas, everyone's pain, everyone's feelings.  These aren't limited by our inability to see or acknowledge them.  This idea was new to me in that if someone else had a belief about something, and I disagreed with them, I felt that I must be wrong in order for them to be right. (Shame, there you are again!) You can see how limiting this can be.  We can both be right for our own list of reasons from our own life experiences.  

The only *alleged* downside to the both/and belief system is that it will reduce your arguing with others.  When we can see many sides of a situation, it takes us off our moral high horse and leads to conversations with understanding for someone else's point of view.  It levels the playing field and helps us try to understand one another rather than trying to convince them that either I'm right or you're right. Either/or thinking basically simplifies complex topics, which are full of important nuance and clarifying details.  It also makes us more approachable and flexible, and reduces assumptions and blaming.  Being unteachable is not a Christian virtue.  We are all a work in progress, and God's not done with any of us yet!  It's also realizing that none of us has the monopoly on truth.

Things that are both/and at the same time, not either/or (just quickly off the top of my head).  These are the dichotomies of a day in the life of a Christian!

Sinner and saint

Deserving and undeserving

Redeemed and fallible

Confident and fearful

Prideful and humble

Earthly and heavenly minded

Needed and needing

Faithful and doubting

Grace filled and judgmental

Hopeful and doubting

Right and wrong

Forgiving and hurt

Obedient and resisting

Joy and grief/sadness

Over spiritualizing and under spiritualizing

Pious and negligent

Also words like bittersweet and spendthrift (someone who has a lot of money by being thrifty) too

In parenting these issues come up too, and they don't have to be one or the other.  Both have their own list of pros and cons.  One isn't right, so the other must be wrong.  This is so divisive to think this way.

Home birth vs hospital birth

Homeschool vs public vs private

Vax vs unvaxx

Cosleep vs not 

and on and on ad nauseum...

It's also things like worrying when your teens are out late and still being able to sleep when they aren't home yet.

Here's some infographics that help explain it further:

Another way that it is mentioned is called dialectical thinking (vs linear or binary).

This also then means~

1. I don't have to share my opinion, but only if I want to (I can still have one)
2. I don't have to take a side (there's often not just 2 sides, there's many)
3. I don't need to try fix/change anyone
4. I don't need to try to change someone else's opinion
5. I don't need to defend my choices (but I will own them)
6. I can have my own firm beliefs
7. I'm not obligated to engage in an issue (it's my choice)
8. I can stand up for myself clearly and concisely
9. I have the same value as everyone else

(And the same is true for you!)

Dear Lord, We pray that you will deliver us from anything that binds us. Enable us to see the work of the evil one, and strengthen us against him.  Set us free from anything that keeps us from becoming all You made us to be.  We know you have a wonderful plan for our lives which includes deliverance, healing and restoration.  Help us to never settle for less than all You have for us. We look to You as our healer and restorer.  Amen.

Joel 2:25 And I will restore to you the years that the locust hath eaten...

Emotional Maturity 101

When I was recently going down the rabbit hole learning about empathy, I stumbled upon the whole new (to me) world of emotional maturity.  Yeah, this is another toughie to acknowledge and navigate!  Lack of empathy goes hand in hand with knowing our own feelings and thus being able to enter the world of others in empathy.  There's plenty of videos and books out there on the subject if you want to learn more, but the biggest key to emotional maturity is being brutally self-aware and honest.  (Remember AA's rule #4 to "make a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves")

If you've just met someone new, and are trying to figure out how emotionally healthy they are, the simplest way is to ask them stories about their past.  In listening to the stories, do they overall take ownership for their life, or do they blame circumstances and other people for the way things have turned out.  The good and the bad.  Do they direct their own life, or are external circumstances apparently running the show?  People who take ownership are typically more emotionally healthy, whereas those who complain about all their bum luck likely are still emotionally immature.  

A few other things to notice that would indicate immaturity would be (1) egocentrism (self-preoccupation and they swiftly entangle you in their expectations) (2) limited empathy (unable to put themselves in another's shoes) (3) avoid self-reflection (rarely question themselves or their behavior, get defensive and double down on their position if challenged) (4) avoids emotional intimacy (get defensive, evasive or belligerent when you try to relate to them with openness or honesty) (5) affective realism (reality is defined by what they feel it to be; they deny, distort, or dismiss anything they don't like).  They see life in "clichéd sound bites" because life as a whole (past, present & future) is too overwhelming.  This can also be why they can solve everyone else's problems, but not their own.  They see their own problems as magnanimous, and other people's as child's play.  Also, if they feel someone is getting too close or loving them too much, they will often blurt out hurtful things to keep the walls of protectiveness up for safety.  There's usually a history of pain in childhood that says vulnerability is scary and hurtful.

Here's a chart below too.  I can see now how far I was on the left side, but with growth and healing I am moving more categories over to the right side a bit at a time.

[source]

There seems to be two camps when it comes to how we learn to relate emotionally, as described above.  There's internalizers and externalizers.  This seems to start when we are small children as we view the world around us and adapt/cope accordingly.  The internalizers view the world's problems as fixable and within their responsibility and grasp to fix.  Thus, they take in all the problems that they observe and feel, and then they believe it to be their burden to fix (a lifetime of shame anyone?!).  They can't see the give/take of each of us being many parts of a whole.  They literally carry the weight of the world on their shoulders every day.  The externalizers on the other hand view the world as "not my problem" and always feel that others should be doing more for them, but get overwhelmed easily because every little thing rocks their boats.  They cannot see how they could have contributed to any negative situations, as they see themselves as "good people" with good intentions.  They often resent internalizers and feel like they themselves got the short end of the stick because internalizers seem to have more success in life.  This can severely damage friendships and relationships as they are unable to see the damage they cause by their immaturity and insecurities.  Very few people are a good balance of both types, but we can each learn new skills (as I've said over and over!). As with everything else, these are on a continuum, from mild to extreme.

**This does not correlate to introvert/extrovert personalities.  You can have introverted externalizers and extroverted internalizers.

"Labeled as emotionally sensitive, Internalizers crave genuine connection. Because they crave genuine connection, they’ll do too much for other people while neglecting themselves. They’re also deeply attuned to other people’s feelings and will find themselves absorbing everything and everyone around them energetically." (one source said they do 80% of the emotional regulation in relationships)

"Externalizers have a tough time regulating their emotions because external factors strongly influence them. Rather than taking responsibility for their problems, Externalizers blame others and deny that they have any role in the problem or conflict. If a partner tells an Externalizer that something isn’t working in the relationship, their first response will likely be to deny the problem exists or blame their partner for the problem."  [source, more info on internalizers vs externalizers]

Internalizers

-tend to be self-aware, self-reflective, perceptive, and sensitive

-like to reflect on things and love learning 

-try to figure out how to respond advantageously instead of being reactive

-seem more mature and insightful and tend to be competent and reliable

-thoroughly process their experiences

-feel a responsibility toward other people

-are likely to have been "parentified" as children, meaning their parents leaned on their capabilities and relied on them as confidants or helpers

Externalizers 

-tend to be excitable and react impulsively, even if quiet or introverted

-have low tolerance for stress and take swift action, even if ill-considered, to blow off tension

-get themselves in trouble by not thinking of future consequences; they live for the present moment and aren't strategic about their lives

-are not self-reflective and externalize blame for their troubles onto other people

-are angry that so many frustrating and distressing things happen to them but rarely question their own behavior as part of the problem

-can gravitate towards substance abuse, addictions, or highly dependent or conflictual relationships

-tend to think that everyone else could be trying harder

Another aspect of emotional immaturity is called triangulation.  These folks prefer to talk about you to someone else (the good and the bad), because talking to you might increase connection, and isn't safe.  So, adding a third person to the mix lets them express themselves without the risk of deeper connections in friendships and relationships. They'd often rather there always be a bit of friction in relationships rather than connection.  (Yes, I even recall hearing one of my cousins saying this about her marriage!)  Most people don't even recognize they do this, it's a self-protective mechanism in place from long ago.

Relationships that are immature are also not a level playing field, but are instead defined by step up/down roles.  Parent-child ones that stay that way into adulthood are most common, but any can result in this healer-healee, guru-student, wise one-dummy, etc.  These are mostly rooted in control and self-image issues.  Love gets all mixed up in this game, along with approval and worthiness, making it really messy to sort out!

Here's some more infographics that outline the differences~

With all this work I've put in changing a lifetime of belief paradigms about myself and others that I have formed into habits, it's been a lot of work.  These have been doors that I want to just open and shut again, and not have to go through the room to healing.  But, it doesn't work that way.  Peace and freedom  come from doing the work of processing.  And some of the conclusions I've come to have been really hard to swallow.  And then there's lots of forgiveness of myself and others to process too.  And it all happens inside your head and heart and you really can't explain it to someone else the depth and breadth and height of it all.  So, although I may look the same as I always did, I'm viewing the world from a completely new viewpoint.  One with a lot more compassion (for myself and others) and empathy, and a lot less judgements.  But, I also have new boundaries, which means I'm not willing to be a doormat for emotional vomit anymore, and all adult relationships will be on a even give and take, level playing field arena. (I've been taking my Carcinosin!)

If you see yourself as one who is emotionally immature because you've never learned these skils, knowing what to do with big emotions can be daunting (fear, anger, scared, even joy).  Teaching your kids to move through them can be as well!  This list is helpful, the main point is to be curious, and not judgmental of yourself or others in this time.  Just go slow and work through it.

This list below has a few ways we try to cope when we don't know what to do with our big emotions.  Often we are overwhelmed because when we were little and didn't have the skills to deal with these, they were much bigger than they are now.  Now we are adults and we are bigger than them!  Knowing we are doing the distortions is the first step to learning to process emotions in healthy ways.  The list above helps us learn to walk through them slowly so they don't overwhelm us. (also called triggers)

One last thing I learned, is that we retain beliefs about ourselves mostly from others ("labeling" in the infographic above), as the specific words spoken to us in conflict.  If our character was attacked rather than our behavior, these things cut much deeper and will remain until we actively seek to heal them.  This is shame (I am bad) vs guilt (I did something bad) beliefs.  Sadly, most things said to us in heightened emotional states are the things that are not true about us, instead of those that are.  The reason we remember them is because our bodies are so hurt by them, that they are trying to protect us from those things ever being said again so they bring back the alerts regularly.  Working through believing our intrinsic worth is only from God, and believing what He says about us is a process, as is forgiving those who hurt us too.   If you've said hurtful things about or to your children that degrades their character, it's time to apologize.   Our childhood mistakes are not our character.

Further reading~

Disentangling From Emotionally Immature People by Dr. Lindsay Gibson

Empathy. Take 1.

When I started back at counseling last spring (with my new counselor), and she asked me what I wanted out of her, I told her that my life seemed to run on guilt, shame and grief. I wanted it to run on joy, peace, and hope (and other good things). I do wholly understand that all our lives will have both, but mine has seemed to take on the first three as its propulsion forward. Yeah, not good. So, all spring we've been working on different things, and when I went to her last week with some difficulties I was having trouble navigating, she said, "I think you need to learn more about empathy". What, me?!  The one who cares about far more people than she should?  The one who has bent over backwards trying to meet everyone's needs, while neglecting my own for decades?  Me?!  Yup, codependent me.  Ouch. But, after I wrapped my head around that, I realized she was right. I had been already studying the Biblical way to comfort others on my own time and had realized that they are kind of the same thing, and I could learn a bunch. Just go sit with someone with a chronic illness (but not unto death yet) and see how the conversation goes.  And then do it again.  And again.  And don't try to save, fix, or solve a thing; just love on them and listen to them.  It's harder than you might think. That's where empathy jumps in.  So, I'm going to delve into it here (to sort it out in my own brain) on what empathy is and isn't, and how we can get better at it. I say in the title "take 1" because I'm sure I'm barely scratching the surface, and this could take another decade to parse out.

For starters, it begins when we can't/won't (each situation is different) express our feelings and emotions about a situation that we're trying to process. This would typically be a negative experience such as a conflict, awkwardness, hurt, grief or pain. Instead of knowing or saying how we actually feel (I'm sad because...), we instead tell the (often dramatic) story of how things went. The "he said/she said" of it all, which comes from our brain (not our heart) because it's safer (less vulnerable) that way. So, we (person A) find a willing listener (person B) and tell them our story. We often ending up blaming the "meany" (person C) for how things went, because we want our captive audience (B) to really see that we're hurting (although we don't actually say this, because that would show weakness). So, we instead *imply* that we're the victim (A) and the other person  (C) is the meany , and the listener (B) is just supposed to know what we're feeling by the details of the story. Understand how this is getting complicated?!

So then the listener (B) is stuck in a hard place. Often they know the "meany" (C) themselves in person, and know this is likely overexaggerated and blown out of proportion due to the underlying hurt, but they can't really say that, because that would be discrediting their friend (A) who is telling the story. If they agree with the speaker (A), then they feel like they are taking sides on a situation they really don't have the facts on. If they disagree then they are being disloyal to their friend (and it is often assumed that they are taking the meany's side (C)), when it is neither. They are just stuck in a hard place of having to choose who they think is telling the truth. Then the person who is hurting (A) is still hurting and also feeling misunderstood, and the listener (B) is stuck wondering what should be done to remedy the situation as well.  Got all that?!

Enter empathy. Empathy requires just 'holding space' (I know that's a weird phrase for me too!) by being there, listening and asking more questions to seek to understand the feelings behind the story. The story itself is hardly relevant, it's the perception that is the valuable part. Whether true or untrue, whether we agree or disagree; that's not our job to decide. Ugh. Yep. Let all that go. We are just entering into their pain with them and letting them know they are not alone. That's all. Some of us have never/rarely had this done to us, and have never learned how to do this for others. Note: this is far harder with longtime friends and family than with strangers. It's easy to offer it to strangers, but with close friends and family (with whom we have a history), to remain judgement free and unbiased seems nigh on  impossible.  If you haven't done this before, start on your kids.  They are the easiest.  No advice, no lecturing; just loving, comforting and seeking to understand them deeper when they are struggling with something.  

Why do we struggle to give empathy? Here's a few thoughts. Often we don't know how to express our own feelings so we can't enter the world of another's feelings or emotions. We've never learned these skills.

The next reason is we don't know the difference between our own feelings and those of others. We lack the boundaries to know what's our responsibility and what is the other person's responsibility. If your day is ruined because of someone else's issues or problems, that's codependency and poor boundaries. A healthy state keeps your feelings separate from other people's.

I found a list below (on Pinterest, not sure original source) that was really helpful in regards to sorting this out.  I admit I've done all of these things in a meager attempt to give (what I thought was) empathy.  I'm really good at some of them, unfortunately.  I repent of my intentions and ignorance and am trying to learn and grow from here.  I don't understand why this is so complicated, but somehow it is.  Us humans have been misled in our own thoughts and wayward ways since time immemorial, so what's new hey?!  One book I read touted a lot of this stemming from our immigrant ancestors who left their support systems of elders in "the old country" and just fended for themselves, coping the best they could without much guidance.  It also could be the "children should be seen and not heard" ramifications.

______________

EMPATHY

Giving your attention to another by either silently or verbally guessing their feelings.  For example, "Are you feeling disappointed because you wanted to be included?"  Empathy requires a willingness to enter the other's world with acceptance and respect while maintaining your self and center.  It also requires a willingness to be with someone who is in pain without trying to get them out of it.  Think of having someone tell you to "cheer up" or "calm down".  Does it work?  Has it ever worked?  Does being commanded, or even suggested to do this ever helped you feel better?

NOT EMPATHY

These are responses that you might offer in response to someone's expression of pain or celebration.  Usually when someone is expressing difficulty, empathy is what they want first.  These responses below may be helpful, but they are simply not empathy, so should be offered later on only if deemed appropriate. (Simply ask the other person!)

• Sympathy: Bringing attention back to yourself. "Oh, I'm so sorry. I feel terrible for you!"
• Advice: You assume the person needs information. "Well, what you could do is...." "You need to forgive them"
• Explain/Analyze: You believe that if you tell someone why they feel the way they do, they will feel better.  "You just feel bad because..."
• Correct: You try to point out someone's mistake in interpreting. "He didn't mean to hurt you, he was just in a hurry." 
• Console: "It will be ok.  You're ok, everything will work out."
• Tell a story: "The same thing happened to me one time...."
• Push away feelings: You might be uncomfortable so you tell others not to feel what they feel. "Come on, don't be sad" "Calm down, and take a deep breath" "It's not that big of deal"
• Investigate/Interrogate: "Why did you do that?" "What made you feel that way?"

Ugh.  Yep.  I'm an expert at them all, unfortunately.  Most of us are.  It's really hard to sit in someone else's pain with them, I'm learning when I actually throw out all these pithy platitudes to offer.  To just sit with someone in grief, or chronic illness, or mental illness, or addiction.  Or whatever they're facing.  To just sit and offer comfort to them (the book How We Love teaches how!) is so much harder (yet easier in many ways too!) than these petty advances that don't really do anything but heap shame on the listener for being human.  (The shame comes because the hurting person feels guilty and shameful for even hurting in the first place.  They should be stronger, more impenetrable than that!)  I think of the story of Job in the Bible.  How his friends just sat with him quietly in his pain (for a week!) were much more helpful than the offering of all kinds of bad advice to his detriment. 

These are all things we can heal and grow from.  These are not character flaws or foibles, just skills we haven't learned yet.  I love this lady's quote below, because it shows where she has healed and grown from.  She had BPD and has healed herself from it with the help of her husband who is a counselor.  Blaming others and being the victim are often one and the same.  It often means we don't know how to express how we really feel, and use stories (as I explained above) to try to get us what we need to feel heard.   If you as a listener are getting either a victim story or a blaming story, you can know that it likely isn't the whole story, but instead a hurting story of someone who can't express how they actually feel inside, and that's the difficult part.  Asking, "Is this how the other party would portray the story?" can help bring it back to objective truth.  Or "how did that make you feel?" focuses on the hurting parts rather than the subjective events.

I do think the church at large in the last generations perhaps plunked all this responsibility onto Jesus, and has left people with none.  When I was recently singing "What A Friend We Have in Jesus", this idea came to me.  Is it Jesus' responsibility to do all the comforting?  All the healing?  All the hope?  Yes, He is the Comforter, but He also uses us on earth to be His hands and feet.  Phrases like, "I'll pray for you" can tend to take the burden off us so we don't have to do any comforting ourselves (because it is painful and awkward).  Although we should pray, we can also give hugs and hope through His Word.  Do a quick word study on the word "comfort" in the Bible, and you can see that it doesn't mean lecturing, shaming or passing the buck of being with someone in pain.  It jumps right in there and sits with them in the pain.  This is a challenge for those of us who have been enmeshed or codependent in relationships too, who don't know their own pain apart from others'.

Article: How Empathy Can Go Wrong

2 Cor 1:3-5 Blessed be God, even the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies, and the God of all comfort; Who comforteth us in all our tribulation, that we may be able to comfort them which are in any trouble, by the comfort wherewith we ourselves are comforted of God.  For as the sufferings of Christ abound in us, so our consolation also aboundeth by Christ.

Another thought is that sometimes during really hard-to-fathom times (disaster, accidents, unexpected deaths or losses), it can be easy to either blame God or defend God without seeing His whole character. We often give quick platitudes to ourself or others, in a meager attempt to minimize the pain.  [Often we even use Bible verses to do this!] Where is God when you prayed for help and it didn't come?  How can I believe in a God who doesn't seem to see or hear me?  Sometimes we don't see much evidence that God sees and cares for us the way we think He should.  Sometimes our view is skewed, but being brutally honest can be the best balm for this.  For many of us this is hard because we've never done it.  

• I feel hurt, because this is painful
• I feel sad, because this is tragic
• I feel angry, because this is unfair
• I feel confused, because there is no clear pathway forward

Our flesh wants a world built on successful formulas, pat answers that actually fix things, and solutions to our problems.  ("If I do the "right" thing, then bad things won't happen to me")  We'd like life to be predictable, controllable and fundamentally fair.  What we see around us, in us and what's happening to us usually isn't that.  But what we really sometimes struggle with is honesty.  Honesty with ourselves, honesty with God.  Honesty in our disappointments, but also honesty in our hopes.

Just so you know, empathy is the path forward to less expectations of ourself and others, less responsibility, less performance, and thus less burdens.  It relieves us of so much internal angst!  That's my favorite word lately.  Teenagers have lots of angst, but us adults do too if we'd just acknowledge it!

angst [äNG(k)st]

• a feeling of deep anxiety or dread, typically an unfocused one about the human condition or the state of the world in general:
• strong worry and unhappiness, especially about personal problems

So how do we know if we ourselves or someone we know is lacking empathy?  It can easily get mixed up with codependency.  

Here's a quick list~ [source]

1. Being extremely critical of other people
2. Blaming the victim when bad things happen to them
3. Not forgiving people for making mistakes
4. Feeling like other people are too sensitive
5. Not listening to other people's perspectives or opinions
6. An inability to cope with emotional situations
7. Lack of patience for other people's emotional reactions
8. Reacting with impatience or anger when frustrated with other people
9. Feeling baffled by other people's feelings
10. Believing that negative things won’t happen to you
11. Not thinking about or understanding how your behavior affects other people

Further Reading~

How We Love our Kids by Milan and Kay Yerkovich (highly recommend!)

Good Enough: 40ish devotions for a life of imperfection by Kate Bowler

The Gifts of Imperfection by  Brene Brown