Christmas Letter 2020

 Hello all! 

We started out on Christmas Day last year getting the bad news that our brother-in-law David (Greg's only sister Amy's husband) was diagnosed with stage IV melanoma cancer throughout his body. He had been sick all fall with no official diagnosis. This was devastating as we watched the journey unfold throughout the year. Sadly David passed away on July 7 at age 38 and left behind Amy and their 8 children. Please keep them in your prayers for strength and peace.

Greg and James made a quick trip down to AZ at the end of January, and then I was able to fly down to help in March. I had never left my kids before, so that was both nerve wracking and kind of fun! My aunt Becky, and ladies from church Kristie and Elaine took excellent care of the kids while I was gone.

We were able to visit Arizona as a family in June, and were thankfully able to spend time with David and all. He was having minimal treatments at the time, which made him feel a bit better. It was a bittersweet trip, knowing we were also likely saying goodbye. We visited the Grand Canyon on our way down, and Zion National Park on our way home, which was a lovely treat. We also enjoyed the beauty traveling through Idaho and Utah (we usually go in the winter so generally take the snow-less CA route).

Luke is 15. He had his biggest achievements all in the same weekend: he bought his first truck (1979 Chevy Silverado) and was confirmed in our church. He enjoys drawing things for the 3D printer and avoiding Algebra. He's working on getting his driving permit here soon.

Next is James who is 13. He claims he has nothing to say this year. His well-loved sports all got canceled, so finding replacements has been a challenge. He decided to try learning Italian and the cello on his own (YouTube), so is just starting with that.

Elise now is 11 and she loves her cats and now she has a batch of 3 kittens to dote on. She still plays the violin and has a new teacher this year who really stretches her talents!

Isaac (9) still has a hearty interest in animals and keeps us updated on which animals interest him frequently. He likes foxes, anteaters, armadillos, aardvarks and Australian animals today (lots of the letter A, apparently). He's progressing well with piano lessons, also with the new same teacher.

Our Celeste (6) likes likes dogs, rabbits and lambs. She enjoys singing, learning the piano (on her own), playing Candy Land and is quite a whiz at card games. She whoops all the big kids! She's busy losing teeth, and making good money off them!

Levi (4) is still a dog lover, especially Dalmatians. He likes dressing up and pretending to be different animals with Isaac and Celeste. Lately there's been pretend koalas and reindeer roaming all over the house.

Mt St Helens, December 2020

I've taken up a small amount of knitting this year, and can now knit and purl a rectangle! No fancy skills or projects yet, but hoping soon. Greg has started machining on his lathe and mill at home now, so is doing various projects for friends and neighbors. He's also renewed his interest in leatherwork, and has been getting his machine humming again and advancing his sewing skills (totes and purses). He makes some pretty cool stuff, if I'm not a bit biased! His machinist skills have come in handy for the learning curve.

Much love and God's Peace,

Rachel, with Greg and kiddos

Progress Report

So after taking a year off from reading "learning books", we still made some health progress.  We've had a few chronic health issues that I've been trying to solve and it's been a slow process, but I have a hard time taking "no" for an answer.  When you see your child struggling, do you just leave them be?  Do you just accept their challenges as normal and okay?  I have a really hard time doing that.  And so, I kept on searching.  I got also got tired of being told that I should keep our diet egg, dairy, gluten and nut free for 3-5 years at least.  Feeding this large crew is extremely challenging as it is for my mom brain to figure out each and every day (likes/dislikes, budget, time, flavor, fridge space, etc).  And those dietary challenges take away anything that is convenient or quick foods, for the most part (although it gets rid of the cheap, crappy foods with no nutrition as well, so it's a double edged sword).  Our little Levi just had his first sandwich of his life, and he's almost 4!  He didn't know what it was.  He was so cute, "what is dis Mom?" But kind of sad too.

So, for James we used NAET to solve/desensitize his allergies.  He's now able to eat all those foods again, although we do them in small amounts as to not overload his body all at once.  He still has a bit of swollen lymph nodes that we're working on, but all the other symptoms from the past dozen years are gone.  Previously we had done IgG and IgA allergy testing and although it showed us what he was reacting to, it didn't fix the problem.  We did heal his gut (that did need doing), and so then the NAET worked much better.  (Typically you need both to heal from leaky gut).  I'd like to take Elise to this doctor as well, but we haven't yet (waiting for the tax return!)

The big progress we're making is to finally get some help for Isaac.  He's had speech issues all his life, but as he has gotten older, his frustration level has gone up and his pleasant demeanor had almost disappeared.  It's been heart breaking.  All roads to get him help led to dead ends.  I didn't exactly even know who to take him to.  He graduated out of the speech program at the school, and I even had him retested there, as well as at the hospital speech program and both of them deemed him "fine, have a nice day".   I looked into cranial sacral therapy (far too expensive at the time), had the chiropractor do her limited cranial sacral on him, had the pediatrician, the dentist assess him too, but no one could find anything wrong.  As moms, we know when our kids aren't "fine", and a 5 minute speech test won't determine frustration or data processing rates or abilities.  The next person I contacted was Dr. Ghaheri, who is an ENT (ear, nose, throat) doctor in Portland.  I messaged him (on FB!) a picture of Isaac's mouth (he asked for it) and he said, "you don't need me, you need Barbara Erskine (Speech Language Pathologist)".  

I waited a full year to get in to her (I was sure she forgot about us, but she hadn't), because she's so busy.  She then did a 2 1/2 hour consult over 2 days.  She spent 20 hours coming up with his diagnoses and formulating a treatment plan for him.  She's ridiculously thorough and precise.  Her attention to detail astounds me.  In the meantime, I talked to my cousin who is a speech therapist in a school and she helped me understand why Isaac couldn't get enough help at the school.  Here's why:  in the school (in WA anyhow, most others would be similar though) the therapists cannot help kids who aren't 30% deficient.  If they help kids that aren't that deficient, then the state thinks the therapists are scamming the system.  So kids fall through the cracks all the time with "nuances" (subtle distinctions or variations) because they aren't bad enough to qualify.  I also talked to our school's speech therapist that said she is not allowed to refer her kids to anyone who doesn't work in the school (OT, PT or herself).  If they can't help the child, then there's nothing they can do.  So, she can't tell anyone to go to a chiropractor or neurologist, or even a private speech therapist that can offer services that she can't offer.  Parents have to seek that all out on their own and her hands are tied.

So Barbara wanted 2 things to get done on Isaac before she started speech therapy with him.  She felt his hyoid bone was out of place (the free floating bone under your tongue held in place with cartilage) and she referred me to a Functional Neurology Chiropractor in Portland.  She feels there's no use doing therapy if you don't get to the root of the problem first.  She was right about the hyoid bone, it was shifted quite a ways to the side.  His tongue couldn't launch properly off of it, making all talking and eating a huge effort. (I picture it trying to dive off a diving board that is crooked).  The only reason for a hyoid bone to be out of place is from head injuries.  Isaac did have 2 bad falls when he was about 18m-2 years old.  He was bounced out of a trampoline that wasn't zippered closed and  landed on his head, and he slipped right back on his head at a splash park that same summer.  Definitely could have been either of those!

The other thing was a tongue tie release.  I had him evaluated by Dr. Ghaheri (he uses Barbara to screen all the older children before he sees them), who is one of the top tongue tie doctors in the US, and he determined that it does need to be lasered to release it.  Barbara feels that it is the root for most speech problems and connects the fascia of the whole body causing so many issues other than speech. Here's a photo of how the whole body is connected by the fascia.  It's actually really cool!  I have a feeling several other of our kids will need it done in the future too.  Teeth crowding, trouble sleeping, messy eating? Yep, familiar with those!  It falls into the midline defects category which seems to be related to vitamin A deficiency during the first 3 weeks of pregnancy.  (too much vitamin A can cause the same defects, but most of us don't get too much).  It is also can be related to the MTHFR gene defect, which is in the B vitamin family of deficiencies/malabsorption.

Signs of tongue-tie in newborns

• Open mouth posture
• Mouth breathing
• Sleep apnea symptoms

Breastfeeding tongue tie symptoms (for the child)

• Shallow or difficulty latching
• The latch cannot be sustained for long
• Sliding off the nipple
• Prolonged feeds
• Restlessness after prolonged feeds
• Refusal or irritable during feeds
• Dribbling and spilling
• Falling asleep on the breast
• Arching the back and pushing away
• Gumming and chewing on the breast
• Unable to use a dummy/pacifier
• Clicking noise while nursing (stridor)
• Inability to hold pacifier or use bottle
• Excessive gas
• Reflux
• Colic

Breastfeeding tongue tie symptoms (for the mother)

• Cracked, bleeding nipples
• Lipstick or inverted nipple
• Pain while nursing
• Over/under supply (inefficiently empties breast)

Developmental signs

• Delayed speech, problem with certain letters or sounds
• Lisp
• Food & texture aversions
• Tooth decay (even with constant brushing)
• Gagging or choking,
• Squirreling food
• Difficulty talking fast
• Can’t move tongue past lips
• Jaw joint and posture
• Jaw pain
• Migraines
• Neck and back pain
• Forward or slumped posture

Source: https://www.drstevenlin.com/tongue-tie-symptoms-kids-teeth/

I think this new information just opened a whole can of worms, likely in a good way that we've yet to find out.  Barbara is also a myofunctional therapist, which most speech therapists are not (they need extra training on their own to become one).  They look more into root causes of mouth issues (this includes dental issues, speech issues, sleep apnea and more).

We also learned about visual learners (Isaac, Luke and myself for sure) and how they do better at A to B sports (running, swimming, rollerblading, track, skiing, skating) rather than ball sports where they have to make too many quick decisions.  Kids who rely on their eyes the most don't do well with the pressure of having to make many split second decisions that sports like soccer or wrestling require.  These kids excel at things where they can go their own pace and there's very few decisions to be made in the sport.  The decision making sports are good for building skills in areas of weakness, but these type of children will never excel at these sports and will often be left out and frustrated.  Barbara uses obstacle courses for building up the weaker areas by using blindfolds for increasing the other senses.  She taught us about muscle memory and increasing that as well.  Often visual learners have poor muscle memory because they use their eyes so much.

Right now we're doing exercises with Isaac to help his mouth muscles move in new ways to get ready for the release (building muscle memory). She also is getting to the root of his inability to hold a pencil or utensil properly.  I've been working with him for his whole life to get him to, but she said when we get the fascia released, it'll happen on its own.  I had him sit by me during school for a full year, and every single day I'd remind him how to hold a pencil and he still couldn't do it.  See how the tongue tie affects the whole body?!  I'll keep you posted how this all shakes out.  It does make me cry (I have shed a few tears of joy) that he's finally getting some help after all these years!

Last one~ Celeste also got adjusted by the neuro chiropractor for her head injury (remember the sledding accident?) and we're hoping it helps her eyesight.  We haven't had her checked yet.  The chiropractor said that if the balance is off (the crystals in the ears that maintain balance get dislodged in a head injury) the eyes will try to compensate what the ears aren't doing.  Here's hoping she'll be soon rid of her specs, but time will tell.  Her balance is significantly better after one adjustment, we have noticed.

If your kids are struggling, may I suggest you keep searching for answers, praying for answers and not giving up.  Look to all the non-mainstream venues of healing, get off the beaten path because it's worth it!  

Book Review~ Good News for Weary Women

I know, I know...I said I wasn't going to be reading any more 'helpful' books for a while, but isn't a while over yet?  It's been 6 months.  And...I couldn't find any biographies that interested me at the library, and this one was sitting there on the shelf.  I couldn't resist.  

Anyhow, I've heard of this author before (just random quotes), but had never read anything by her.  Good News for Weary Women is by Elyse Fitzpatrick, and apparently she's written 20+ books now.  This one is from 2014, so has been out for a few years.  After my big shenanigans with the do more, be more, expect more preaching stuff from last year,  I don't have much tolerance for that kind of stuff.  Grace is where it's all at, and this book specializes in the preaching of grace.

From the Amazon synopsis: 

"Are you exhausted? Women today really do feel the weight of the world on their shoulders. Every morning we are greeted with a long list of to-dos: get the kids up and out the door on time, have a meaningful quiet time, put in a full day at the office, spend an hour at the gym, prepare a healthy and delicious meal (organic and locally grown, of course), and make sure the sink sparkles before you go to bed. Oh, and don’t forget to look great and smile while you’re doing it. These are all good things to do, of course. But the bigger problem occurs when we start to feel as if our worth is measured by our to-do lists. And the messages we receive at church, on Facebook, and from the media only perpetuate these unrealistic expectations, creating a relentless cycle of exhaustion. As Elyse Fitzpatrick has traveled this country, she has seen increasing evidence of this weariness epidemic invading our churches and communities. And she has good news for women everywhere: there is hope! God doesn’t judge us by our to-do lists. Instead, He calls us to faith. Free yourself today from the endless stream of bad advice and discover the true rest God offers."

True Christianity is not a program of self-improvement, it's an acknowledgement that more than self-improvement is needed. What's needed is the death and resurrection gospel words, gospel constructs, gospel motives, gospel power- a loving Redeeemer. Elyse Fitzpatrick

I marked so many places in the book that I want to share, but will have to do a bit compromising, or this blog post will get very long.  Many of the Amazon reviewers have great quotes from the book as well, if you want more than I will give here (without actually reading the book yourself!)

She starts out by telling how often we don't divide the law and the gospel rightly, and that in trying to fulfill the law (rules set out by others, the church and our own moral selves) we diminish the gospel (what Christ has done for us).  She explains this very well, in how we need both, but the law should always turn us to Christ and His fulfillment of the law.  The law shows us our sinfulness, our willfulness and our failure to keep God's impossible laws, which is why we need Christ.  She quotes a commentary that says, "The only "work" that guarantees the possession of this redemptive manna is to believe in Jesus (John 6:29).  The gospel sabotages any notion of legalism or performance-based acceptability with God.  The only thing we bring to Jesus is our need.  All we offer is the admission that we have nothing to offer."  What is our highest calling?  It's to believe on He whom God has sent.  Nothing more is needed or required, and all we do is because of what He has already done for us.  When we add more rules than that, we put ourselves and others into the bondage of either pride (I can do it) or despair (I can't do it).  For many women we then don't have the righteousness, peace and joy that we have been promised by the gospel message in either state.

She talks about doing good so we can feel good so our life will turn out good (karma?).  That's a common notion today too, isn't it?  If we "live intentionally", things will go well for us, right?!  Wrong.  We live in a sinful world, full of bad things.  The Bible does not teach this in the least, but it sounds good, doesn't it?  If we make all the "right" choices, then why would we need the gospel?  Even if we say we don't believe in karma, this is what karma is.  Do good to others and it'll come back to you.    Karma is all for our own self-esteem, and has nothing to do with Christ.  We may not call it that, but we often think it in our minds, don't we?  We all want to measure up, be accepted and want people to think good of us, and what kind of things might we do to achieve this?  Lots of good things which we hope will amount to something. 

As it is written, There is none righteous, no, not one: There is none that understandeth, there is none that seeketh after God.  They are all gone out of the way, they are together become unprofitable; there is none that doeth good, no, not one. Romans 3:10-12

How about doing good things to earn God's blessing?  Do we believe our efforts will somehow gain God's favor?  If we do our daily devotions, do we believe that we will earn more than those who slack off and sleep in instead?  Do we lack of mercy towards those who are not as diligent as us, or who may struggle spiritually?  Can we be Pharisees quite easily without even recognizing it?  She says that God is not a cosmic vending machine that lights up when we put forth the right effort. She tells how in the Old Testament the people's obedience problem couldn't be solved by a mere extra elbow grease or more good intentions.  They had a heart problem, just as we do.  They were stubborn, disobedient, prideful and they needed a Savior, just as we do.  She quotes Luther saying, "The foolishness of the heart is so great that in this conflict of conscience, when the law has done what it is supposed to do, we not only lay hold on the doctrine of grace, which promises forgiveness of sins for Christ's sake, but we seek more laws to satisfy our conscience."  Has your heart been foolish in seeking more laws to satisfy your conscience?   Are the rules that plague you actually in the Bible, or they ones that have been added by man or your own heart?  Do you believe that whatever you do or don't do, God still sees Christ's perfect obedience not your own view of your failures?

The reason for all of this is that we like rules.  They make us feel safe and in control, and offer a way that we can believe that we can achieve perfection.  But, we also have serious problems with pride.  So, the more rules we can keep, the more our sinful hearts tally up those good things (or subtract the failures), in hopes that somehow we'll gain more than we lose.  Yet we always will fail, in one way or the other.  We'll fail in the doing or we'll fail by being prideful.  Because in this way of thinking, we are looking inwards for safety, approval and perfection, and our consciences will never be satisfied that we've done enough.  But, when Christ is King of our lives, He lives the perfect life so we don't have to.  We can screw up majorly every.single.day, and His grace still covers us.  Hard to believe, isn't it?  She says that we are "allergic to grace", we resist it because rules are safe, but grace is far more than we can comprehend.  When we follow the Apostle Paul's life, we see that although he kept all the rules just as he should, it was counted as nothing for his righteousness.  He needed Christ, and Him alone. 

So what do we boast about?  Do we look down on those who don't have it together like we do?  Even if we never say anything to anyone, these conversations still go on in our minds.  We're judgmental, we lack mercy, we compare, we want approval.  Paul teaches us that: "Where is boasting then? It is excluded. By what law? of works? Nay: but by the law of faith.  Therefore we conclude that a man is justified by faith without the deeds of the law. (Romans 3:27, 28)  Paul pointed out all that God had done through his weakness and failures.  He refused to let himself try to gain approval by his own merits or successes or others commending him.  But, deep in our prideful, foolish hearts we still boast.  In what ways have we judged others who didn't keep the same rules or traditions as us?  Can you see any ways that you prevent others from seeing your weaknesses?  Do you see the gospel as a recipe for self-improvement, or freedom from self-improvement?  What does Scripture say?

Elyse says, “If we’re trying to assure ourselves that we’re okay and that God is happy with us because we’ve been good, we’re actually denying Christ. Our pursuit of self-perfection is a denial of Christ because it is His work to make us okay, to justify us. And when we try to do it ourselves, we’re basically saying that His work isn’t enough; it isn’t sufficient."

C. F. W. Walther said, "The Gospel does not require anything good that man must furnish: not a good heart, not a good disposition, no improvement of his condition, no godliness, no love either of God or men...It plants love into his heart and makes him capable of all good works.  It demands nothing, but gives all.  Should not this fact make us leap for joy?"  In this we can rest and relax in His capable hands.  Do we confess of our pride, weakness and failures?  Why do we resist being transparent?  Do you struggle more with despair or pride?  

God is well-pleased with us if we get up early and do our devotions and have our quiet time.  He's also just as pleased with us if we roll out of bed 30 minutes late and forget His name.  He is pleased when we fall on our face to Him in the same sin over and over again, or if we by His grace shun it.  Jesus has done it all in our place.  There's nothing we can do to win more favor.  Have I said it enough yet?  Do you truly believe it?  Have you heard the gospel message enough times to believe it deep down in your heart?  Do you still seek self-approval or approval from others?  Do you believe that His righteousness covers everything?  Or do I need the righteousness of myself added on today?  Ouch.  Resist all those voices that tell you to do more or try harder.  (Amen!)  Stop pretending you have it all together, and admit you're a sinner.  A real pathetic one.  And you have a Savior, a real wonderful one!  We have the righteousness of God within us, so others can see that God loves the weak, the weary, the wounded; not the perfect ones with the perfect little lives.  And also, laugh a lot.  Laugh at your failures, shortcomings and weaknesses; laugh that you're such a sinner, yet Christ calls you a saint; smile at all the broken people God used in the Bible for His glory too.  Walk in the Light, as He is in the Light.  Let His love transform us away from all the bondage and rules, and walk in freedom of the gospel.

“How can we recognize the Good News? Let me suggest one way for you to begin to judge whether a word you've just heard or read is rooted in grace and flowing from the gospel. If you walk away from church or any other message saying, "I'm going to try really, really, really hard to do better-- to be a better woman, wife, mother, daughter, or friend," then you haven't heard the message of the gospel. If you walk away feeling proud of yourself because you've got all those steps covered, then you haven't heard the message of the gospel. If you walk away feeling shamed and full of despair because you know what a loser you are, then you haven't heard the message of the gospel. If you walk away trying to figure out how to get everyone in your family on the same page so you can be successful, then you haven't heard the message of the gospel. You haven't heard the good news. And the good news is the only message that will free you to be the woman Christ has meant for you to be. The good news is what you need to believe. And belief in the good news is the only way for you to find freedom in your identity in Christ.” 
~Elyse Fitzpatrick in Good News for Weary Women

Here's a podcast/video of a summary of the book, if you learn better that way.
Grace for Weary Women

Rock of Ages

Rock of Ages, cleft for me, Let me hide myself in Thee;
Let the water and the blood, From Thy riven side which flowed,
Be of sin the double cure, Save me from its guilt and power.

Not the labor of my hands  Can fulfill Thy law’s demands;
Could my zeal no respite know, Could my tears forever flow,
All for sin could not atone, Thou must save, and Thou alone.

Nothing in my hands I bring, Simply to Thy cross I cling;
Naked, come to Thee for dress, Helpless, look to Thee for grace:
Foul, I to the fountain fly, Wash me, Savior, or I die.

While I draw this fleeting breath, When mine eyes shall close in death,
When I soar to worlds unknown, See Thee on Thy judgment throne,
Rock of Ages, cleft for me, Let me hide myself in Thee.
~Augustus Montague Toplady (1740-1778)

Old dog, new tricks...I mean insights

Now that I'm a few years into my 40s, I've come to a few conclusions about myself.  Why it took this long, I'm not sure, but it did.  Maybe because I finally have time to think after so many years with babies on the brain, lack of sleep, poor health and so many other pressing issues.  Oh, well.  Although I've realized that the better we understand ourselves, the better we can offer grace and mercy to our selves for our weaknesses and not let other peoples expectations determine us.  

The first thing I concluded was that I'm not going to apologize for being late anymore.  No one cares what I apologize for, because they already have it in their head why I'm late.  And my reasons are so mundane that explaining them seems like such a waste of time.  Just last week we were all getting out the door.  I had 6 kids buckled, shoes on all, coats on all, lunches packed, water bottles for all, sports equipment as needed.  We left on time with a few minutes to spare.  I counted heads as I drove out the driveway and thought we were good.  As I slowed down in town, I glanced back again and noticed that little 5 year old was missing her glasses.   I asked her if she could manage without them, and she said, "Well, I can't see very good.  Just a little bit."  So, I turned around and went home for them.  6 minutes back up the hill and another 6 back down.  That's 12 minutes behind now, making us about 10 minutes late.  

Last summer we had an experience where we had several errands in town, and then were meeting some friends.  We rocked it on the time slots, and when we finished up we were 10 minutes early for our meeting time.  We sat in the car in the shade and listened to an audiobook while we waited, and then when the time was right we drove the 1/2 mile over to where we were meeting them.  I thought to myself, "whew, for once we're on time."  Until my son announced to me that he hoped I wasn't using the clock in the van, because it was 10 minutes slow and he hadn't been able to figure out how to change it.  So, we were 10 minutes late after sitting there waiting for 10 minutes because I thought we were early.  Grr.  More of that grace and mercy needed, and more of that pride to squelch.

Do I really have to tell the whole story when I get to my location?  Really?  And does that make me look I like I don't care about the people who were expecting me because I was late?  No.  No, no, no.  Do I think less of my friends if they arrive late?  No.  Do I think they don't care about promises made and then "broken"?  No.  It's all because of mercy and grace.  I know they are all moms trying their best.  And sometimes kids forget things.  And sometimes being on restricted diets makes packing a lunch a challenge.  And sometimes we stop for food on the way because Mother Hubbard's cupboard was bare.  So, next time I'm late, don't take it personally.  And next time you're late, I won't even think twice about it.  Because really, it's no.big.deal.

The other thing I learned this spring as I was researching homeschool options for high school, was that the biggest stress in my day comes from being on someone else's schedule or their list of expectations.  We were committed to a co-op where I felt an immense burden to show up on time, no matter what.  Doctors appt.'s, dentists, eye doctors, etc. all stress me out.  I wish every place was a walk-in.  I fret before the appt. that I'll forget about it and get charged anyhow because I forgot to show up or to cancel.  I fret because I'll likely be late (yep, even if I'm not apologizing endlessly, I'm still trying my best to be places on time).  I fret because my kids will probably get sick on the day of the appointment.  So, schooling on someone else's schedule stresses me beyond measure (sports do not stress me, because if kids miss a practice or game, it's still not a biggie).  This spring we were sick almost the whole month of March, and the stress of worrying about their needs as well as finding substitutes for my class was more than I prefer to opt into.  So, homeschool it will be.  On our own time, our own expectations, our own needs it will be.

Along those same lines, I don't do well with goals.  If I set a goal for myself, 99% of the time I will quit before I finish.  Why?  Because I don't thrive on the pressure of being locked into something.  I get angry, especially at myself.  And then I treat my family badly, because I feel pressured to reach the stupid goal and it makes me stressed and grouchy.  For example, if I set an exercise goal for myself, I will not succeed at it, plain and simple.  If I just plan to exercise a bit each day, and then try to push myself harder/longer each time I exercise, I will succeed.  That's just how my brain works.  I reassured my husband the other day that he never needs to worry about me training for a 5K.  It won't happen.  I might run a 5K for fun someday, but I won't sign up for one to motivate myself. 

Now excuse me, I'm off to be late for swimming some laps (I won't tell you how many!)  If I get there on time, then the locker room is full of kiddos just getting out of swimming lessons, so 5-10 minutes late is ideal for an empty locker room.  

Books I've been reading lately- April 2019

I started out the new year with a vow to take a break from "help" books. Whether physical, emotional, spiritual or whatever help they recommend, I needed a break for several reasons.  I turned to fiction and biographies instead for a while.  I typically have a hard time finding fiction that I actually enjoy, so I just went back to my old standby author who has written several books that I hadn't read yet and started there- Francine Rivers.  And they were all a win.

The first was-
Bridge to Haven


















Leota's Garden



















And the Shofar Blew



















Then for a bit of culture change- this book was a fun read of the idiosyncrasies of the 5 different Scandinavian countries. 
The Myth of the Almost Nearly Perfect People-
Behind the Myth of the Scandinavian Utopia



















And then I caved and ordered a book from the library I had seen recommended somewhere and had to read it...
Why Stomach Acid is Good for You

Stomach acid is the key to good digestion of our nutrients, so often this can be the root problem of many health issues, namely autoimmune disorders, allergies and sensitivities and overgrowth of pathogens (yeasts, parasites, pathogens).  (source)

I tried to read a biography by one of my other favorite authors Jon Krakauer, Where Men Win Glory- the Odyssey of Pat Tillman, but I just couldn't keep interested in it.  It's all army and football, so wasn't really my area of interest.  I do admire Pat Tillman's story, and how he sacrificed for our country, but just couldn't get through the book.

That's all for now...not sure what's next except a boatload of homeschooling high school books.

The Mercy Lamp

Long ago (probably 20 years) I received a lamp from my sister for my birthday.  It was beautiful and comforting and I loved having it in my possession.  Then I had children and that lamp was knocked off a dresser and broke.  I was saddened, but more concerned about the safety of my child in the incident.  Bye, bye lamp.  Oh, well.

Then maybe 2 years ago I saw another lamp the same as I had had at a garage sale.  I bought it and was happy once again.  Since I didn't need it in my own room, dear daughter has had it on her dresser since then.  

Life went on.  

Last week 2 of the boys were fighting over Lego creations, intact ones and broken ones due to each others carelessness.  I used the conflict for a lesson in mercy.  How we should offer mercy instead of revenge, as Jesus teaches and shows us by example.  The question was asked, "when we offer mercy, does that mean there isn't consequence for our actions?"  No, of course not.  Next question, "did you ever have something precious that got wrecked and you didn't get mad about it?"  The lamp was the example that came to mind so I shared it.  And how happy I was that I found another one.  How people are so much more valuable than things.  Any things.  We talked through the conflict, asked forgiveness and made things right.  And went to bed.

Just a couple of days later, dear daughter moved this same lamp to the living room to put on her desk to do some writing late at night.  Then the next night another brother moved it to another desk to use, and then another brother accidentally knocked it off and crash (!!) there the lamp went again.  I totally freaked out.  I yelled and accused the 3 kids of carelessness and neglect.  I was mad at myself for noticing the lamp was in a precarious spot but didn't summon anyone to put it away when I saw it.  I was more worried about a thing than my people.  I sure didn't offer mercy and forgiveness!  I had acted exactly as my boys did over the broken Legos.  Ouch!  After I was finished yelling, 2 of the kids had all the pieces picked up and were super gluing it back together.  I wanted to just throw the lamp away so I didn't need to be reminded of my immaturity and sinfulness, but also didn't want to deter the kids from their attempts at fixing the situation.

That evening when Greg saw the broken-but-fixed lamp, he wondered what had happened.  I told him the whole story, especially the part about wanting to throw it out instead of being reminded of my blatant sinfulness.  He said, "I think we should keep it.  And name it The Mercy Lamp."  Yep, he's right.  And so we did.

God still keeps teaching us lessons, hey?  How we can't just avoid sinfulness by our own self-will or good intentions.  How our own expectations of ourselves must die each day, and our pride gets smushed once again.  Such a humbling, good thing to crash back down and fall into the arms of Jesus, and Him alone.  Again and again.

That Pesky Pride

I've been challenged by pride a lot this past year.  I've been convicted of it myself again and again, as well as teaching my kids how to recognize it in their hearts and actions.  We all struggle with pride if we are on this Christian walk.  If we say that we don't, then maybe we either aren't human or are perfect like Christ or we're extremely ignorant of the sinfulness of our own hearts.

Pride is spoken of in two ways mainly in the Bible.  The bad pride which is the boasting (even if only in our head), looking down on others (because they think or act different from the way we think is right), thinking we are somehow better than others and the thoughts that go along with that (Psalms and Proverbs are full of references).  And the good kind which is the pride after a hard job well done (Ecc. 5:18-20).  As a friend mentioned, it would be good if these had different words for each, so they wouldn't be so confusing.  The Websters 1828 definition of pride is even more extensive, and has 9 different facets.

James 4:6 But he giveth more grace. Wherefore he saith, 

God resisteth the proud, but giveth grace unto the humble.

Recently Greg preached on how the law is needed to show us the gospel of Christ, and this is always good to remember as well.  If we only hear how wonderful we are (as many preachers these days tend to preach, as it's easier to like), and we don't hear the law as well, then we can tend to think that we aren't as bad  (or prideful) as we really are.  The law (10 commandments for starters) shows us how much we fail in terms of God's unreachable standards.  Thankfully as Lutherans, we have the Catechism that expands on these commandments even more for us, in case there was any doubt as to whether we can live up to the high standards that God has laid out for us.  Philippians 2 gives a glimpse into how we should think and act (like Christ).  I know I fall short of this every day in my attempts to be more Christlike.

Philippians 2:1-9 If there be therefore any consolation in Christ, if any comfort of love, if any fellowship of the Spirit, if any bowels and mercies,  Fulfil ye my joy, that ye be likeminded, having the same love, being of one accord, of one mind.  Let nothing be done through strife or vainglory; but in lowliness of mind let each esteem other better than themselves.  Look not every man on his own things, but every man also on the things of others.  Let this mind be in you, which was also in Christ Jesus:  Who, being in the form of God, thought it not robbery to be equal with God:  But made himself of no reputation, and took upon him the form of a servant, and was made in the likeness of men:  And being found in fashion as a man, he humbled himself, and became obedient unto death, even the death of the cross. Wherefore God also hath highly exalted him, and given him a name which is above every name:

In the Pineapple Story, Otto Koning tells how when we think we own our personal things/possessions, our time, our reputation;  these are forms of pride as well.  What do we think we "deserve"?  Who do we really love?  Ourself?  What measures do we take to protect these things?  What is the cost (to our health, our relationships with Christ and with others) of trying to preserve these things?  These talks really challenged our family on our pride, in such a good way.  As Christians all we really deserve is death and destruction.  We don't deserve happiness, outward peace, good health, lack of trials, or fulfilled hopes and dreams.  None of it is guaranteed that I can find in the Bible.  We are promised peace in our hearts and souls, and that God will be with us whatever we face, but our possessions, time and reputation all needs to be given over God if we want true happiness in our hearts.  Easier said than done, but aren't we all a work in progress?

"Husbands, when your marriage gets hard it doesn’t mean you and your wife are incompatible. It doesn’t mean that you married the wrong woman. It means you and your wife have some much needed dying to do. We have to remember, Jesus didn’t come to torment our flesh, He came to kill it. Every violent or aggressive argument in your marriage is nothing more than the death throes of your own selfishness, pride, and anger. My pastor once told me, “You can’t argue with a humble person.” What a powerful truth. In our first few years of marriage, Veronica and I fought with our claws out. We exchanged hurt for hurt. For one season in particular, our marriage caused us more harm than healing. Today, however, through the power of the Holy Spirit, that Dale and that Veronica are dead. While we have not fully perfected the art of oneness, we have learned that our marriage has a 100% chance of survival if we just do it God’s way and not our own." ~Dale Partridge

On a secular note, last night Greg asked me to come and listen to a song which he was listening to, and so I did.  It's called Husbands and Wives by Brooks and Dunn.   That reminded me of another song called Foolish Pride by Travis Tritt.  If even these country singers can hit the nail on the head of the  results of how so many of us struggle with pride, why is this so hard for us to see in ourselves and admit?  And if we do admit it, how come we all seem to struggle with the same things over and over again?  What are we really fearing if we are scared to give up our rights and with it our pride?  God does give us the power over all our pride, but the lessons don't come easy.  It means dying to self just as the missionary George Muller describes below~

To one who asked him the secret of his service, George Muller said: “There was a day when I died, utterly died;” and, as he spoke, he bent lower and lower until he almost touched the floor-“died to George Muller, his opinions, preferences, tastes, and will- died to the world, its approval or censure- died to the approval or blame even of my brethren and friends-and since then I have studied only to show myself approved unto God.” -British Weekly

These hymns have been helping encourage me on this pride squelching, humility increasing journey~ I Surrender All, Have Thine Own Way Lord, Take My Life and Let it Be, Where He Leads Me, and Cleanse Me.  May you be encouraged to daily kill that selfish pride, and follow Christ's example of humility, dying to self, ceasing of striving and strife, and seeking after humility and esteeming others better than ourselves in every way.  It's backwards of what the world would teach, but we aren't of this world, are we?!

Christmas Letter 2018

December 2018

Wishing our friends and family a very Merry Christmas this year. We're praying for health, peace and hope for you as we celebrate the birth of Jesus. This year has been a year of plain, old sameness and new changes for us it seems.

We are still in the same house, Greg's doing the same job, I'm busy home schooling the same kiddos although they're growing more challenging each year. Greg has been busy building a shop on our property this year, which has been his big undertaking. His dad Clark was a huge help on it this summer, when he and Sue were up here from Arizona for 6 weeks.

at the Kurtti family reunion this summer

Luke has been interested in computer drafting, house planning, Minecraft and Legos this past year. He joined the middle school track & field team last spring, and then also our local homeschool cross country and soccer teams as well. He's perfecting Fur Elise on the piano, much to his mother's enjoyment, and his reluctance.

Luke 13 1/2

James is loving all things “The Hobbit” lately. He can be found doing pull-ups on his pull-up bar throughout the day, taking his dog Charlie for runs and working on his training. He recently learned Swanee River (for his Great Grandma Davidson) on the piano and is now working on some Christmas tunes. James also did cross country and soccer, and is looking forward to wrestling in the new year.

James 11 1/2

Elise is our cat loving girl. She received a cat for Christmas last year, and loved him up thoroughly. Unfortunately he disappeared a month ago, and has not returned. This has been heart-breaking for her, so plans are in the works to get her a new one. It's been a hard lesson on grief and loss, but also on loving wholeheartedly too. She's been playing her violin faithfully, as well as enjoying soccer and soon the wrestling season.


Elise 9 1/2

Isaac spends his time drawing birds, thinking about birds, looking for birds and building houses for birds. He loves owls, and his favorite book to read is “Owl at Home” by Arnold Lobel, which warms my mama heart because that was also my favorite book when I was in grade 2 as well. He played soccer and will do wrestling.


Isaac 7

Celeste likes entertaining Levi, and just playing. Stuffed animals, store, with her tent, dress up, and whatever ideas she and the other kids come up with. She is full of big ideas and small knowledge. We call her the “peanut gallery” because she is so confident in her knowledge, but often her facts are quite mixed up.

Celeste 4 1/2

Levi is our little wild card. He keeps us laughing with his expanding vocabulary that we often have to decipher. He's in love with all things dogs or puppies, and has them on his little brain all day and night. Some of his words are Ludley (Charlie, our dog), Leedla, Leedla (Grandpa, Grandma), Ho-ho-back (horse, horsey-back (his siblings give him horsey-back rides so all horses are ho-ho-backs)), Ooh-pah (water- the sound made when one drinks), ha-ha-he-he baws (monkey bars) to name a few.

Levi 2 1/2

Greg and I have been faced with several spiritual challenges this year as well. We've learned lessons we never knew we needed on grace, forgiveness, boundaries, facing the tough stuff and loving through it all. I don't know what we're going to do with any of it yet, but I know when the time is right God will show us.

Love and God's Peace, Greg, Rachel and children

“Truly He taught us to love one another; His law is love and His gospel is peace.

Chains shall He break for the slave is our brother; And in His name all oppression shall cease.

Sweet hymns of joy in grateful chorus raise we, Let all within us praise His holy name.”

(O Holy Night, Adolphe Adam, 1847)



At the totem pole at our park in Kalama

A year of introspection...

It's been an interesting year.  I'm not even sure where to start, but will just start back at the beginning.  I received a book called Gracelaced around my birthday last year, and slowly delved into it.  It was a long journey of learning to understand grace at another level.  It challenged me to be still with being still, and to rest in what God has done for me.  I know all this stuff in my head, but applying it is more challenging.  I always want to be serving, fulfilling, doing and not just being.  While I'd like to think that my faith isn't based on what I do, somehow I think I should be always doing more than I am.  I go to bed every night feeling like a failure because I don't do as many things as I think I should.  So, this book made me delve into my own heart and examine the 'why' I do what I do.  I don't see my self as a perfectionist or over-achiever, but still put a lot of stock into how much production happens in a day.  This book challenged those thoughts and evaluated my intentions thoroughly, in a good way.

After that book was finished, I had the whole Above Rubies retreat to deal with, which I've already blogged about.  That threw all my ideas for a loop again.  This persuaded me to do more, be more, expect more and that it all depends on my performance.  Oh, dear.  The opposite of where I just came from.  The summer came and went as I pondered these thoughts, as well as walking alongside friends who had various struggles as well, which made me dig back in time in my own childhood and see why I have a lot of the thoughts and ideas that I do, the good and the bad.  It dug up our marriage to the core as we examined where we stand as a couple.  It made Greg and I face our own selves and behaviors and habits, our strengths and our weaknesses.  Where we thrive and where we struggle.  Lots of deep stuff.  Thankfully we now have a teenager (who enjoys babysitting), so we've been able to go for coffee in Kalama every Saturday night and talk some of these hard things through.  

All this talking has exposed a few things.  Vulnerability.  Ouch.  That one hurts.  I definitely struggle with that.  So, I've had to go back and figure out why.  Shame.  Deep down shame from long, long ago in childhood (for me this was mostly my schoolteachers, but for some it can be divorce, abuse, neglect, etc).  Shame is the feeling that "I (as a person) am bad".  Different from guilt which is "I did something bad".  Had to dig into that one too and find the source.  Fear.  Many fears that are creeping into my own marriage and even more into my parenting that I wanted to expose and heal from.  I realized that most of my negative self-worth is from schoolteachers and classmates continually reinforcing the unwritten rules that grades, athletic ability, beauty and popularity are the traits that were worth something.  If you didn't have those, you were worthless (me!).  Whether that was said, or just implied, it didn't matter.  I've learned that my school years did not define my life though.  I've had an entirely enjoyable life without worrying about being the smartest, cutest, fastest or being the life of the party.  My parents didn't ascribe to this mentality, and always reaffirmed my worth, but school everyday dismissed it again and again.

Through this all, I decided it was time to seek help for proceeding with some of my findings, since I was having trouble sorting them out on my own.  When I first went to the counselor, and told her what was going on, she just said, "I don't think you've forgiven yourself for all of those things that are still hurting you from childhood."  Wow!  That's exactly what it was.  I had forgiven all those people who had hurt me, but I hadn't forgiven myself.  Many of the hurtful things were true, which was why I felt like such a failure.  When random people bully us or treat us badly; it's often due to their own insecurities and we can brush them off easier than if the bully is in our family or is a trusted one.  It often hurts more because when people who are close to us hurt us, it's because they know our weaknesses and hit us where it hurts much easier.  

Through this next journey, I've been working through these books.  The counselor recommended a book called Parables for a Wounded Heart which has been very healing and eye-opening.  The one quote that was really worth sharing was "children are excellent recorders of events, but poor interpreters of them" (due to our lack of maturity at the ages when the hurts happened).  This book has you dig deep into your childhood to figure out why you react to situations the way you do, why your self-talk is negative or self-critical, and why your relationships with others may struggle due to your past.  We all have hurts from the past, so understanding how to move forward in a positive direction is crucial to healing from them in a healthy way and have healthy relationships with those we love.

 From the Amazon synopsis~

"Do you tend to be self-critical or negative about yourself? Did you experience painful childhood events that wounded your self-esteem? When children experience criticism, rejection, trauma or abuse, they usually perceive that they are to blame. Such painful events can alter their identity, not who they are, but who they believe that they are. A self-esteem wound, or wound of the heart, is formed. A self-esteem wound is a hurt or a series of hurts that affects your core being, sense of self or self-concept. "Parables for a Wounded Heart" is a breakthrough guide to help you heal your self-esteem wounds."

After my first appointment, I spent some time thinking about what I learned.  I went to the Goodwill to wander and I came across the book The Gift of Forgiveness which I've been working through as well.  Although I feel like I have a pretty good handle on forgiveness due to Christ's influence in my life and Biblical examples and commands, I wasn't quite sure how to forgive myself.  The one thing I learned is that if we can think back on our childhood hurts with compassion rather than fear/disdain/judgement, then we have healed and forgiven our selves and others.   This in turn helps us feel free to talk about those hurts freely with people we trust.

Eph. 4:29-32 Let no corrupt communication proceed out of your mouth, but that which is good to the use of edifying, that it may minister grace unto the hearers. And grieve not the holy Spirit of God, whereby ye are sealed unto the day of redemption.  Let all bitterness, and wrath, and anger, and clamour, and evil speaking, be put away from you, with all malice:  And be ye kind one to another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God for Christ's sake hath forgiven you.

This fall we were also introduced to The Pineapple Story by Otto Koning.  This threw our perspective for another loop in such a good way.  Our family listened to these cds all fall on our way to and from church, and then spent the week mulling over how we could apply the thoughts to our lives, in the way that God wants specifically for our family.  So encouraging, so uplifting, so real, so convicting.  I've been encouraging many other people to listen to them as well.  On the link above, you can listen online for free.  The titles give some idea to the topics "God Enjoys the Impossible", "The Weapon of Rejoicing", "The Weapon of Love" etc.

Another book that also has been helpful is The Gifts of Imperfection: Let Go of Who You Think You are Supposed to Be and Embrace Who You Are. 

This book was also really good.  She delves into the common mis-perception that perfectionism will lead to happiness.  (and clarifies the difference between perfectionism and striving for excellence)  She talks about her own journey in becoming more authentic, more vulnerable, more free and more wholesome.  Her goal in the book, and for herself was to be "wholehearted".  How to let go of others expectations of us, how to embrace our own tenderness, how to fully embrace joy, and how to give our children the real deal parents (we can't give them what we don't have ourselves), but most of all how to love ourselves.  For her (and most of us), these needs for change happen at midlife (read her candid article here).  We're burned out by living life by other peoples standards, and also don't like the results of our own efforts coming to fruition.  She helps go through the process of owning our own story and how to offer the important gifts of courage, compassion and connection with those we love (instead of dreading every minute with them because relationships are much harder to tend to than to-do lists).

A few things she mentions in the book~  Do we shield ourselves from our own or someone else's pain with compassion?  Or do we shut down or go into fix-it mode?  Only when we own our own darkness and hard things, can we offer compassion equally.  Otherwise we tend to respond with judgement not compassion and healing.  The same applies with giving/receiving help.  If we can give help, but are not willing to receive any help, we attach judgement to both as well.  It's only when we can give and receive it freely that we are equal with others.  Do we attach some sort of self-worth with never receiving help, but always offering it?  To build true connection with others, the flow must go both ways equally.  (Ouch, those were hard!)

The next chapter is on love and belonging.  The only difference between those who feel a deep sense of love and belonging with those who struggle for it, was the belief that they were worthy of it.  Do we feel worthy of unconditional love, or do we feel we have to earn it by performing, perfecting, pleasing or proving?  Worthiness doesn't come with prerequisites.  Unconditional love doesn't either.  (Jesus loving us is the prime example of this).  Love and belonging will always be uncertain, meaning we can't measure them, yet we all long for them.  

“To begin by always thinking of love as an action rather than a feeling is one way in which anyone using the word in this manner automatically assumes accountability and responsibility. We are often taught we have no control over our "feelings." Yet most of us accept that we choose our actions, that intention and will inform what we do. We also accept that our actions have consequences. ” 

~Bell Hooks

The next chapter is about the things that get in the way of living wholeheartedly.  Namely, shame, fear and vulnerability.  If we don't talk about these things freely, we won't ever be able to love and belong freely.  We have all the how-to books and programs out there, yet in America we are the most addicted, medicated, obese, over-spending nation in the world.  Why?  Because we try to numb out the hard stuff and just want the good stuff.  The less we talk about the hard stuff, the more control it has over us.  Shame has the painful ability to make us feel we are flawed and therefore unworthy of love and belonging.  We all feel shame in some way or at some times in our lives, but what we do with that shame destines what happens to us.  

Authenticity is another one we need to embrace for wholeheartedness.  This is the courage to be imperfect, to set boundaries and also to let ourselves be vulnerable.  It's exercising compassion from knowing our strengths and struggles, and nurturing the connection and sense of belonging that comes from believing we are enough.  It demands wholehearted living and loving, when it's really hard and when it's intensely joyful as well.  We also must ask ourselves what we do to numb our authenticity.  Do we keep too busy, save the world too much, read too many escape novels, drink or smoke too much, or anything else that hides us from just being still and vulnerable with those we love?  Can we be uncomfortably honest with ourselves?  When we ignore the discomfort with dealing with the hard things, we also lose our ability to feel true joy.  We all have habits that numb our pains, but we also numb our joy by using these habits.

Laughter, song and dance.  This one irked me.  Although I fully believe in them, I still struggle.  I rarely laugh, I do sing but not as often as I wish I did, and I never dance.  Never.  She talks of how doing these things is great for building spiritual and emotional connection with our loved ones, and I know this is true.  We grew up in a church culture of "dancing is bad", so knowing how to address this one, I'm unsure of as of yet.  In the book she talks of dancing in the kitchen to feel-good songs with your husband and kids, so I'm going to start there.  I'll need to dig up some old feel-good tunes to help me in this area.  She says how our lives should have a sound track of songs that bring meaning, hope, memories and healing for us.  I agree. "Ain't it funny how a melody, can bring back a memory?"  Although I do play music every day, I'm going to focus on singing along more often and laughing with my family more as well.  There's that fear of vulnerability and letting go stuff again.  I. hate. it.  But, oh well.  I'll keep working on it.

Here's Brene Brown's TED talk on vulnerability that's been helpful too.

And there's where it's at right now.  Still lots of work to do.  Still lots of learning as well.  I'm up for the challenge, hard as it may be!

This was my devotion a bit ago, from Daily Light on the Daily Path~