Here's a couple words I've been pondering lately. What they mean, how they affect us, how we behave. I'm always looking to learn more about myself and others, and these two words have come up several times recently, so I looked into them more...
dogmatic
To be dogmatic is to follow a set of rules no matter what. The rules might be religious, philosophical, or made-up, but dogmatic people would never waver in their beliefs so don’t even think of trying to change their minds.
Dogmatic goes back to the Greek words dogma, which means basically “what one thinks is true” and dogmatikos, “pertaining to doctrine.” To be dogmatic is to follow a doctrine relating to morals and faith, a set of beliefs that is passed down and never questioned. It also refers to arrogant opinions based on unproven theories or even despite facts. Someone dogmatic might insist that dinosaurs never existed or that women shouldn’t drive. Dogmatic people are usually not very popular.
Definitions of dogmatic
- of or pertaining to or characteristic of a doctrine or code of beliefs accepted as authoritative
- relating to or involving dogma“dogmatic writings”
- characterized by assertion of unproved or unprovable principles
- synonyms:dogmatical
- blinkered, narrow, narrow-mindedlacking tolerance or flexibility or breadth of view
- blinkered, narrow, narrow-minded
Have you ever met a dogmatic person? Have you been one yourself? Yup. Yup. Me too. I know I've had hard and fast "rules" about things, only to find out that when I actually listen to other people's stories, more and more grace abounds. Every story has a real person behind it, and each person has a reason for believing what they do based on life experience and what God has shown them. Any time someone comes up with strict rules about how life "should" be done; they risk being dogmatic and thus arrogant and narrow-minded (and will always lack grace). This can come in the form of money handling, marriage/dating protocols, fertility and baby care, baptism or other doctrines, homeschooling vs other types of schooling, health care choices, and on and on ad nauseam.
Last week I encountered some people who we know who now have written several books calling them "God's Way". As if they are privy to what "God's Way" is, and the rest of us are stumbling around in the dark because we haven't been enlightened to what "God's way" is. As if the Bible has been opened only to them, and the rest of us have no clue (or Holy Spirit). These people have shunned me because I disagreed with them on certain topics, and once I was even told, "but I thought you were one of us!" Yeah, that's dogmatic. You can't ever have a level discussion or debate, because they always know more than you. You can't disagree with them because they have "convictions", which are from God (apparently). They don't believe in Christian freedom of choice, and they have no grace or understanding for those who believe differently than them. All those who do differ are viewed as unenlightened and lower on the ladder of righteousness. It hurts to be on the receiving end of this kind of treatment for sure, although I do have pity for them, that they have to live so rigidly and that they do not understand the fullness of God's grace.
A few weeks ago I encountered another situation in which a doctrinal belief was firmly displayed, and then the person displaying it ended up painting himself into a corner, so to speak, because a situation arose that he hadn't considered beforehand and he had no way to get out of it. This often happens when we are dogmatic. We want a firm set of guidelines (for various reasons), but when we loudly proclaim them, we then exclude all the situations of those people who we haven't considered yet in our fervent zeal to do "the right thing".
I was talking with some ladies from church yesterday about this same thing, and one mom said that she followed a certain nursing schedule that was popular back when we were having babies, and that it did what it was supposed to do (get your baby to sleep quickly), but that it didn't sustain a milk supply. Because her babies didn't nurse themselves to sleep extendedly, then her milk dried up and she had to stop nursing them by 4 months. Although the sleep training in the book was rigidly laid out, and did work as touted; the unmentioned side effect was the milk supply issue that wasn't told or addressed. This is also dogma. "My system works!" they all say. But it might be just your situation or your baby, not your system that's so wonderful. And since we all want the "golden ticket" to make our lives easier, we cling to all sorts of systems and procedures that we can stand behind. Dave Ramsey's financial plan, or Dr Sears' parenting plan, or Focus on the Family's child raising plan, or Joel Salatin's farming plan, or Charlotte Mason's homeschooling plan, or Marie Kondo's organizing plan or whoever or whatever is touting a plan we think will work for our life. These all can help us in some ways, but also put a ton of burden on us when we can't make them fit our own lifestyle or situation. A dogmatic approach to any system will often lead us into the two ditches on the sides of the road of grace. Pridefulness on one side (I can do it, look at me!) or despair in the other ditch (I can't do it, woe is me). The middle of the road is always that of grace and mercy, and walking step by step in faith each day, never seeing too far down the road as to what we should or shouldn't be doing in the future. This road of grace also extends to how we view and show grace to others who do things differently than us.
God blesses those who follow systems and routines, but He also blesses those who can't or won't. He cares just as much for those who end up winging it most or all of the time, as well as those who rigidly stick to their own preset parameters. He also ends up teaching us many lessons along the way, on how to rely on Him and not on ourselves for wisdom. He often gives us experiences that make us shut our mouths more on "this is what I do" or "this is what I believe", and instead makes us tout, "it's all His grace, it's nothing I've done or not done".
I had a topic once that I struggled with for many years (at least 15, maybe more). I wanted a firm stance on it, a conviction, so to speak. I didn't care what that conviction was, I just wanted something that would give me parameters on which to stand. Over time I prayed about it, we talked about it over and over, we looked for Bible verses to support one side or another. No specific answers. Just faithful guidance day by day. As time went by, I talked to many older people about this topic, and they all gave me their stories. And each time they did, I was filled with more grace for their own situation, on how God had led them just as He was leading me. Now that I'm on the other side of this issue, I'm so thankful that God never gave me the convictions I prayed for. Instead He gave me love and grace and guidance and faith day by day. I know that I would have been dogmatic about my alleged convictions, and used them only for arrogance and division and judgement among those who I felt needed to hear it. Yikes! I know I have opened my big mouth enough times in a dogmatic way to my friends and family, and I do sincerely regret this. Opening our mouths in grace and humility is so much more Christ-like, and I pray that I could grow more in grace rather than more in dogmatism each day.
The next word that comes to mind is support. It's been used in the statements, "I don't have enough support" or "people don't support me" or "I need more support". It's never been specified what this means, so I've been left feeling guilty that I'm one of these ones who "doesn't support", but I really don't know what the expectation is. Whether it's real or perceived, whether it's doable or not. So, let's look at what it could mean from Webster's 1828 dictionary~
sup·port
(sə-pôrt′)tr.v. sup·port·ed, sup·port·ing, sup·ports
SUPPORT, verb transitive [Latin supporto; sub and porto, to carry.]
1. To bear; to sustain; to uphold; as, a prop or pillar supports a structure; an abutment supports an arch; the stem of a tree supports the branches. Every edifice must have a foundation to support it; a rope or cord supports a weight.
2. To endure without being overcome; as, to support pain, distress or misfortunes.
This fierce demeanor and his insolence, The patience of a God could not support
3. To bear; to endure; as, to support fatigues or hardships; to support violent exertions. The eye will not support the light of the sun's disk.
4. To sustain; to keep from fainting or sinking; as, to support the courage or spirits.
5. To sustain; to act or represent well; as, to support the character or king Lear; to support the part assigned.
6. To bear; to supply funds for or the means of continuing; as, to support the annual expenses of government.
7. To sustain; to carry on; as, to support a war or a contest; to support an argument or debate.
8. To maintain with provisions and the necessary means of living; as, to support a family; to support a son in college; to support the ministers of the gospel.
9. To maintain; to sustain; to keep from failing; as, to support life; to support the strength by nourishment.
10. To sustain without change or dissolution; as, clay supports an intense heat.
11. To bear; to keep from sinking; as, water supports ships and other bodies; air supports a balloon.
12. To bear without being exhausted; to be able to pay; as, to support taxes or contributions.
13. To sustain; to maintain; as, to support a good character.
14. To maintain; to verify; to make good; to substantiate. The testimony is not sufficient to support the charges; the evidence will not support the statements or allegations; the impeachment is well supported by evidence.
15. To uphold by aid or countenance; as, to support a friend or a party.
16. To vindicate; to maintain; to defend successfully; as, to be able to support one's own cause.
SUPPORT, noun The act or operation of upholding or sustaining.
1. That which upholds, sustains or keeps from falling, as a prop, a pillar, a foundation of any kind.
2. That which maintains life; as, food is the support of life, of the body, of strength. Oxygen or vital air has been supposed to be the support of respiration and of heat in the blood.
3. Maintenance; subsistence; as an income sufficient for the support of a family; or revenue for the support of the army and navy.
4. Maintenance; an upholding; continuance in any state, or preservation from falling, sinking or failing; as taxes necessary for the support of public credit; a revenue for the support of government.
5. In general, the maintenance or sustaining of any thing without suffering it to fail, decline or languish; as the support of health, spirits, strength or courage; the support of reputation, credit, etc.
6. That which upholds or relieves; aid; help; succor; assistance.
1. To bear; to sustain; to uphold; as, a prop or pillar supports a structure; an abutment supports an arch; the stem of a tree supports the branches. Every edifice must have a foundation to support it; a rope or cord supports a weight.
2. To endure without being overcome; as, to support pain, distress or misfortunes.
This fierce demeanor and his insolence, The patience of a God could not support
3. To bear; to endure; as, to support fatigues or hardships; to support violent exertions. The eye will not support the light of the sun's disk.
4. To sustain; to keep from fainting or sinking; as, to support the courage or spirits.
5. To sustain; to act or represent well; as, to support the character or king Lear; to support the part assigned.
6. To bear; to supply funds for or the means of continuing; as, to support the annual expenses of government.
7. To sustain; to carry on; as, to support a war or a contest; to support an argument or debate.
8. To maintain with provisions and the necessary means of living; as, to support a family; to support a son in college; to support the ministers of the gospel.
9. To maintain; to sustain; to keep from failing; as, to support life; to support the strength by nourishment.
10. To sustain without change or dissolution; as, clay supports an intense heat.
11. To bear; to keep from sinking; as, water supports ships and other bodies; air supports a balloon.
12. To bear without being exhausted; to be able to pay; as, to support taxes or contributions.
13. To sustain; to maintain; as, to support a good character.
14. To maintain; to verify; to make good; to substantiate. The testimony is not sufficient to support the charges; the evidence will not support the statements or allegations; the impeachment is well supported by evidence.
15. To uphold by aid or countenance; as, to support a friend or a party.
16. To vindicate; to maintain; to defend successfully; as, to be able to support one's own cause.
SUPPORT, noun The act or operation of upholding or sustaining.
1. That which upholds, sustains or keeps from falling, as a prop, a pillar, a foundation of any kind.
2. That which maintains life; as, food is the support of life, of the body, of strength. Oxygen or vital air has been supposed to be the support of respiration and of heat in the blood.
3. Maintenance; subsistence; as an income sufficient for the support of a family; or revenue for the support of the army and navy.
4. Maintenance; an upholding; continuance in any state, or preservation from falling, sinking or failing; as taxes necessary for the support of public credit; a revenue for the support of government.
5. In general, the maintenance or sustaining of any thing without suffering it to fail, decline or languish; as the support of health, spirits, strength or courage; the support of reputation, credit, etc.
6. That which upholds or relieves; aid; help; succor; assistance.
Kind of a tall order, hey?! If parameters aren't specified, it can be very daunting and put a lot of burden on family and friends when we accuse them of "not supporting us". In the definition below, it also clarifies that we should NOT use the word support in the following ways~
- Don't use 'support' to say that someone accepts pain or an unpleasant situation. Say that they bear it, put up with it, or tolerate it. "It was painful of course but I bore it. You have to put up with small inconveniences".
- Don't use 'support' to say that someone allows something that they do not approve of. You say that they put up with it or tolerate it. "I've put up with his bad behavior for too long. We will not tolerate bullying in this school".
- If someone does not allow something that they do not approve of, you can also say that they won't stand for it. "I won't stand for any disobedience".
- If you do not like something at all, don't say that you 'can't support' it. Say that you can't bear it or can't stand it. "I can't bear this music". "She can't stand being kept waiting".
Galations 6 comes to mind for guidance on this subject~
1 Brethren, if a man be overtaken in a fault, ye which are spiritual, restore such an one in the spirit of meekness; considering thyself, lest thou also be tempted.
2 Bear ye one another's burdens, and so fulfil the law of Christ.
3 For if a man think himself to be something, when he is nothing, he deceiveth himself.
4 But let every man prove his own work, and then shall he have rejoicing in himself alone, and not in another.
5 For every man shall bear his own burden.
6 Let him that is taught in the word communicate unto him that teacheth in all good things.
7 Be not deceived; God is not mocked: for whatsoever a man soweth, that shall he also reap.
8 For he that soweth to his flesh shall of the flesh reap corruption; but he that soweth to the Spirit shall of the Spirit reap life everlasting.
9 And let us not be weary in well doing: for in due season we shall reap, if we faint not.
10 As we have therefore opportunity, let us do good unto all men, especially unto them who are of the household of faith.
2 Bear ye one another's burdens, and so fulfil the law of Christ.
3 For if a man think himself to be something, when he is nothing, he deceiveth himself.
4 But let every man prove his own work, and then shall he have rejoicing in himself alone, and not in another.
5 For every man shall bear his own burden.
6 Let him that is taught in the word communicate unto him that teacheth in all good things.
7 Be not deceived; God is not mocked: for whatsoever a man soweth, that shall he also reap.
8 For he that soweth to his flesh shall of the flesh reap corruption; but he that soweth to the Spirit shall of the Spirit reap life everlasting.
9 And let us not be weary in well doing: for in due season we shall reap, if we faint not.
10 As we have therefore opportunity, let us do good unto all men, especially unto them who are of the household of faith.
Sometimes we feel like we don't have support because we are "sowing to the flesh" unknowingly. Sometimes we are "weary in well doing". Sometimes we are doing a lot of "good to the household of faith". Sometimes we are "bearing one another's burden" too much. Sometimes we are "bearing our own [heavy] burden". Sometimes we are "overtaken in a fault". Or we "think ourselves to be something". Do you see how ambiguous it can be? And how only God can know our hearts and intentions, and our friends and family do not? How we may be heaping burdens on them, when it may or may not be theirs to bear? Only the Holy Spirit can guide us on this subject, but these verses reinforce the grace and humility needed for all these interactions.
Sometimes we also may be completely using the wrong word. "Support" sounds so noble, but maybe we should use more accurate words to aptly name what we actually want people to do:
Edify: Teach us in ways that enlighten, encourage, and uplift individuals intellectually, morally, or spiritually
Exhort: To correct, rebuke, or “fill up with courage”Pander: To provide gratification for others' desires
Grovel: To humble oneself or act in an abject manner
To lie or crawl with the face downward and the body prostrate in abject humility, fear, etc
Cajole:
To persuade by flattery, gentle pleading, or insincere language
Acquiesce
To give or express one's approval
Or who knows what word might fit?!
One time friend was trying to "dogmatically" get me to "support" her on an idea. After the subject was told to me, I asked, "are you trying to convince me or yourself that you're on the right path?" She admitted that it was herself that she was trying to convince. She thought that if she could get others to agree with her, that would reinforce her own stance. This should be a clue that you aren't on the right path, and perhaps should change direction. If you have to keep telling your friends that you are so right and that they should "support" you, then you probably aren't. The truth shines through whether you speak it out loud or not. Repeating a stance or idea doesn't make it the truth either, no matter how often it's told.
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| ~Booker T. Washington |
Still not much answers on how to approach this issue in real life on a day to day basis, but praying for wisdom and guidance moving forward. Relationships don't get easier as we get older it seems, they often get harder as we gather more baggage and hurts, and our own sinfulness becomes more glaringly obvious.
