So this is the book I was supposed to read in the previous post. This one is called Are You Really OK? by Debra Fileta. (amazon link and reviews). I have to say, of all the self-help, relationship type books I've read over the years, I would say this one is the best! It deals with the inner workings of each of us from a Biblical perspective without all the works-based-do-gooding and pie-in-the-sky expectations of a Christian relationships and/or marriage. She's real, she's raw, she's genuine, she's compassionate yet she's firm in why we need to examine ourselves for Christ based behaviors and habits; not family baggage type ones or trauma based ones, or just excusing personality quirk ones. But instead allowing Christ to "And be not conformed to this world: but be ye transformed by the renewing of your mind, that ye may prove what is that good, and acceptable, and perfect, will of God." (Romans 12:2).
She has a section on our own emotional health. How we got to where we are today. She suggests doing a genogram to track our family's behaviors (good and bad), coping mechanisms, traumas, addictions, birth order, and any significant events that you can see have shaped your family and yourself to be the way you are today. It could be death of loved ones, or even death of a dream. Kind of like a family tree of behaviors. We aren't looking for blame here, but to acknowledge where we've come from to where we are today. Try to go back 3 generations (including siblings, aunts, uncles and cousins too) if you can. The majority of issues we face today have roots in our past. This can help us pinpoint things that were/are unhealthy which then points us how to get healthy, rather than be stuck in what is familiar but unhealthy.
What is your stress level like? Have you gone through any major life changes? Good changes cause just as much stress as bad changes (marriage, new baby, moving, etc). Acknowledge these help diffuse pressure that may be building unknowingly in a relationship.
The next chapter is called "God is More Real than my Reality". It's a goodie. Do we let our feelings be our reality? Do we think they are always right and that we have to respond to them? Why or why not? Often our emotions don't know the full story, so they aren't accurate, they are more like a dash light warning us to check into something further. They can also react from past triggers but the current event may be totally safe. Feelings, if not kept in check, can wreak much havoc in our lives. She then goes into different emotions that Jesus felt and reminds us to try to emulate His responses. How He thanked God for hearing His prayers in a time of deep sadness and sorrow (John 11:33-35). Just because we feel afraid doesn't mean there's something to fear. We need to trust in God's promises over our own emotions time and time again. Do a Bible study on all Jesus' emotions and how He responded to them if you'd like.
Learn to express your ideas in a healthy way. This is often best done in journaling or expressive writing. For one, it puts into words what we think and feel. It helps us organize our thoughts, fears and ideas so that we can share them in a healthy format once they are sorted. If we don't sort our thoughts first, we can tend to respond too emotionally to our loved ones, when it's really not their fault at all. There's often something deeper to our present emotional distress and writing things down helps us pinpoint them. Making our mind/body connections will help us in so many ways, but often we can't do this unless we know what's going on and writing helps us get there. We also can keep it private (which we can't do with our words) and then burn it when we've worked through an issue. Or we can share the parts that we want, and keep the other parts private until we're ready. The next step is to share these emotions with someone you trust, in order to help you gain control over them, rather than them having control over you. When you talk to friends or family, are you able to look at your emotions objectively or do you let them run the show? Get professional help when needed too. Just because we are Christians, doesn't mean we actually know how to handle many situations. Expressive writing will help a counselor to see what's really going on too. The key is to be honest. It won't help anyone to have a sugar coated writing session, or one in which nothing is shared. (I have my kids do expressive writing for me if they are struggling to find words for how they feel, or feel too shy to say how they feel. If they put it down on paper and give it to me, it gives me something to go on when we have a discussion about it. This is different writing from their journals/diaries which are kept totally private from everyone, where they can freely write without fear of any others reading it.)
The next chapter is about our identity in Christ. How do we see ourselves? By our successes? By our failures? By what others think or don't think of us? Have you placed labels on yourself or on others that is through our own lens rather than how God sees us as His chosen, redeemed children? Why is my view of myself important to my spiritual health? Are there "black and blue buttons" that come out in my relationships with others? Things from my past that I'm still holding onto although they've been forgiven?
The next chapter is encouraging us to have healthy friendships. The 3 she recommends is to have one of each: mentor (someone guiding you along the path of life, who can be an example of Christ-like-ness), a friend (iron sharpens iron, someone always pointing us back to Jesus), a disciple (someone we can pour into with Christ). She says how these will change over time and our own needs, and that often our children will be the disciples once we have some. The church body is made up of all of these, and we need to ask ourselves- have I contributed to the spiritual health or lack thereof of the body of believers? Have I strengthened the bonds of love in my family, friends and church or have I weakened it with my lack thereof? What would someone else say? It's easy to blame others, but we need look no further than ourselves for the health or lack of health in all these areas. How can I work on loving others better?
Cognitive distortions is the next area. What we think --> influences how we feel --> which impacts how we behave. What is easiest to think often becomes default because of it's ease/habit. Starting new thought patterns are hard, and we often have illusions of how things really are. We can't change it if we don't even recognize it. Cognitive restructuring (this is neuroplasticity of changing thought patterns) helps us replace our cognitive distortions with truth. It's like taking a song that's on repeat in our brains, and opening your mind to new songs with new words and new music. Here's the common distortions~
- Black and white thinking, all or nothing (seeing things as black/white, right/wrong, helpful/unhelpful rather than a balanced perspective and being able to see all the shades of gray that life brings
- Overgeneralizations (you take one negative experience or interaction and generalize it to fit everything else)
- Minimization and magnification (this tends to be making light of the good things and/or exaggerating the bad)
- Mind reading (assuming you know what someone else is thinking, although we have not confirmed it to be true)
- Fortune telling (assuming something will turn out negatively when we have no evidence, worst case scenario thinking)
- Catastrophizing (those who make catastrophes out of everything, mountain out of a molehill)
- Emotional reasoning (allows our feelings to lead the way, "because I feel it, it must be true")
- Should-could-would statements (mental focus is on the past of what you should-could-would have done and keeps the focus on the past, ruminating on things that can't be changed)
- Labeling (words or judgements on ourselves or others that influences our beliefs or interactions, assuming things based on the labels we've given them/us)
- Personalization (assume responsibility for things that don't belong to us, take things personally making them about us rather than seeing them objectively)
What ones do you struggle with? Or didn't know you did until I wrote them out? Haha! Ask God to reveal the ones you use, and replace them with His truth. How do your negative thoughts lead to negative feelings? Make it a weekly process until you begin to see freedom from these cognitive distortions.
The next chapter is about trauma and how it affects us. She quotes one quote that I think is the best of all (by Carolyn Weber). "Trauma cracks us open..so that the Holy Spirit can get in". Do we see our own trauma in that light? She talks about ways to heal from trauma and use it for good rather than letting it rule us, which I'm not going to get into as it's rather lengthy. (One healing thing is to write it out. Write it all out, sorting it in a certain way that she describes in the book.)
The last chapter is on physical health. Eating well, exercising, and all that stuff. You know what to do there!
